Outside Brainerd, MN. The winter chill of a January morning has set in on the outskirts of this small hamlet. Two figures cautiously move through the waist-high snow banks, their breath rising in white billows against the stark blue sky.
Stopping to rest next to a frozen lake's edge, Mary-Kate Olsen turns to her sister.
"Hey, Ashley. Look over there - see that cabin? Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"Hmmm... well that depends. Are you thinking about boys?" replies Ashley.
"No, silly. If we can get to the cabin, we can try to use the phone to get back on the trail of the international jewel thieves we're chasing," Mary-Kate answers, marveling at her fraternal twin's ability to draw boys or soccer into any discussion the two ever have.
"Good idea, M-K! Race you there!" notes Ashley as she races over the drifting snow towards the cabin. Mary-Kate shakes her head in amusement and walks after her.
When the two arrive at the cabin, they find it locked and deserted for the winter. Running around the back of the cabin, however, they find a humming, churning wood chipper, apparently left on by the cabin's owners and patched in to the cabin's electrical system. The rhythmic churning of the metal blades calls out seductively to the Olsen twins.
"Hey Mary-Kate: don't you feel like you want to jump inside the wood chipper and see what it's like?" asks Ashley dreamily.
"Yeah... I mean, no! Ash, we have to get to that phone and call home to mom or the evil jewel thief will end up marrying our dad, and then she'll be our mom!" But when Mary-Kate looks at the chipper again, a trace of longing runs through her hazel eyes. "Still, I wonder... gosh, I'm so torn!"
So, John, do the diminutive duo decide to dive into the deadwood dismemberment device or do they determine to disavow death and defeat the devilish distaff duffer?
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen vs. A Wood Chipper
JOHN: Well, Hotbranch!, I'm glad that this object of heated discussion in the Grudge Match Towers Cafeteria is getting the public airing that it deserves. By any studied analysis of the facts, you'd have to agree that Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen will not be diving headfirst into that wood chipper.
First, as we found out in "Mary-Kate and Ashley and the Mystery at the Pittsburgh Steel Mill", the twins are savvy enough to understand the functions of heavy machinery and to avoid significant injury. They'll certainly understand that jumping into the wood chipper won't help them get any closer to the evil diamond thief villainess, and certainly won't improve Ashley's chances of meeting that cute boy she's got her eye on! And here's where the fraternal twins' differences will help them. While Ashley is the fun-loving one (witness her performance in "Party with the Pope!"), Mary-Kate is the level-headed one, and can be counted on to talk sense to her sister, like she did when talking Ashley out of piloting the spaceship into a black hole in "Mary-Kate and Ashley: Encounter at Farpoint".
And because they're twins, they share a sort of psychic link that most of us will never understand. Remember when they hosted the Source Awards, and the teleprompter went out? The Olsens were able to co-ordinate and improvise seamlessly until the machine was fixed. That kind of communication will help them avoid being rendered into sludge at the hands of the wood chipper.
HOTBRANCH: As usual, John, you got the facts straight, but you missed the point entirely. True, the girls will not jump into the wood chipper, much to the chagrin of a drunken, emaciated, and ranting Dave Coulier (who continues to blame the girls for unleashing a weapon of career mass destruction). But the fact of the matter is that these two girls are evil incarnate, and they will harness the wood chipper to wreak death and mutilation on nerdy boys (bye bye, Internet) and rude people (au revoir, France). They've tried traditional ballistic and explosive weapons and found them to be lacking. The wood chipper is what they've been looking for all along.
Though their media relations staff of 200 works tirelessly to protect their squeaky-clean image, they haven't been able to keep all of the twins' missteps under wraps. Remember the issue of the National Tattler with the front-page photo of a cherubic 8-year old Mary-Kate holding a smoking shotgun in Kurt Cobain's bedroom? What about when 15-year old Ashley was unwittingly featured on the Osbournes, partaking in a bacchanalian weekend bender with Jack, Ron Jeremy, and that bevy of porn starlets? Those free samples of Rohypnol M&Ms were meant to make the world believe that these events were simply a twisted dream, somehow shared by 6 billion people. Media fabrications, my ass!
It's clear that the Olsens are being supported by a wealthy criminal mastermind. How else can you explain the recent spate of reality TV shows hosted by Ashley and Mary-Kate, including "Tree House Paradise Hotel" and "Who Wants to Go Steady with a High School Senior with a Minimum Wage Job"? At first, I thought the puppet master was Bob Saget; then I sobered up and realized my folly. Rupert Murdoch has an alibi, so he's off the list. If we can find this evil genius, we can stop the twins before they kill Corey Feldman and fulfill their contractual obligation with Hef. Or not.
JOHN: Well, look, Dave Coulier can be excused for his current state. All of Alanis Morissete's songs are about him (Rule #2 from the Thinkmaster General guide to life: As a thirty year old, don't date one of the stars of "You Can't Do That On Television". You'd be surprised at how often this rule applies).
I'm glad we agree that the twins will win this one, but I still have to disagree with your methodology. Wasn't it just the other day that we were watching the Olsen twins' remake of Shichinin no Samurai and you argued that the twins' portrayal of soldiers-for-hire underscored the concept of man as a rope - fastened between animal and superman - over an abyss, as first mooted in the Olsens' autobiographical work "Also Sprach Ashley"? I think it was... or possibly it was Golba. I was quite drunk at the time.
Ever since the twins first burst into our collective consciousness with "Mary-Kate and Ashley's guide to fighting SIDS", we've known these two are smart cookies, exactly the kind of kids you don't expect to fall headfirst into a bloody maelstrom of whirling blades capable of rendering flesh and bone into a pulpy mess. No, if such offerings as "Mary-Kate and Ashley: Pass the Corn Starch", "The Olsen Twins' Psychic Surgery Jamboree" and "Mary-Kate and Ashley display the top 50 rugby injuries" have taught us anything, it's that there is simply no reason for these two to propel themselves into the wood chipper, and that Congress won't pass a law to this effect even if you write them 300 letters a year.
To sum up, it's the Olsen twins in a walk, or my name isn't Shane Tourtellotte.
HOTBRANCH: You must be hearing dyslexic. I said their role as soldiers-for-hire underscored their feelings of rope's inadequacy to hang superman from an animal, over an abyss. You really shouldn't be that drunk at the morning staff meetings.
Regardless, I have it on good authority that Russ Meyer has a signed deal to have these "smart cookies" star in the 40th anniversary remake of "Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!" These girls would have never agreed to do this movie if they didn't have serious sociapathic problems. You can see it in their eyes when they discuss knife and axe safety in "Camping with the Olsens at Crystal Lake", and I'm not sure that the patient was supposed to be screaming like that in the psychic surgery sequel "Mary Kate and Ashley: Hand Over the Spleen".
Clearly, the girls will resist the temptation to embrace sweet, mechanical mutilation, but only because they plan to unleash a maelstrom upon an unsuspecting nation, busily chugging NyQuil to fight off election fever. If the girls' Machievellian scehme goes according to plan, Corey Masterson will present himself as a novelty Presidential candidate, much like Ralph Nader. However, two days before the election, the Olsen twins, who have been taking turns campaigning as the Vice-Presidential candidate will reveal that they captured Osama bin Laden, ensuring a landslide victory over Bush and the almost dead Democrat, what's his name? Oh, yeah, Kerry...
With the Olsen twins controlling President Masterson, the US will stop invading countries run by dictators and begin invading nations with poor color coordination and fashion sense. Sorry, Scotland, plaid kilts will soon be reserved exclusively for Britney Spears videos. Get ready to salute the Fuschia, Eggshell, and Indigo.
CLICK HERE to read the real match from this month.
Wait, wait, I'm confused. so... the wood chipper was the creative mastermind behind Full House, and it has returned to eliminate the Olsens before they defile his legacy any further?
- Rabbi Jesus
Personally, I preferred the "fake" match. I could've voted for "Both Mangled and Killed" and "A Woodchipper" with the SAME BUTTON. For shame...
i am sorry, but the olsen twins are far to hot to die.
- the sam 14 year old, hormones still raging
Um... er... er... um... the wood chipper!
Aww damn, it was a fake.
Wouldn't have been surprised at how many voted Olsen, just for the same reason so many vote for Nader.
- His Eminence, The Most Revrend Archbishop Robert J. Hoplite, Church of Trivium
Hey, I'm taking bets here. I'm betting that you guys are going to get 545 responses to the effect of "the Olsen Twins must win so that they can live to do the Playboy Magazine spread and complete the Thinkmaster General's Porn Annex in Grudge-Matches Sam Roadman Library." 33 responses with a picture of Ashley and Mary Kate making out with each other on top of the chipper. 5 responses involving the Twins and the real contestants in some sort of group sex orgy. Another 17 responses with a picture put together showing what would happen if they did go thru the wood chipper. And I would bet my tax refund check that Thinkmaster uses at least one of the above pictures to rub one out. Hell, if I was you guys, I would make it a point not to shake his hand or touch his keyboard for a while. Hell, that just might be a good all the time thinking there. ;)
- BIGMRG74 - Porn: the reason for the Internet.
I note, with some dismay, that the next match is not scheduled to be up until July 1, 2004.
You think it will take that long for us to decide on this one?
- king rex the first
Oh, come on. The Olsens are easily going to avoid getting Buscemi'ed (tm). Why give in to the impulse? Do you ever hear stories of Mary- Kate throwing herself into a cement mixer, 'just for kicks'? Or Ashley sticking her head in a wasp's nest, 'because I was curious?' No, sir! Mary-Kate and Ashley have fortitude and ambition, and will live on, to sell more shonky products and cheaply manufactured clothes.
*Mixmaster Flibble turns to whispering off-camera. His face changes to an expression of shock and panic. An urgent whisper of "just ad- lib!" is faintly heard.*
Uh, well, I... uh, Kenny would definitely...
*An iris closes on Flibble.*
Porky Pig: A-th-th-tha-th-th-tha-th-th-tha-th-th-that's all folks!
- Mixmaster Flibble
The siren song of the wood chipper is no match for the collective will power of the Olsen twins. Don't believe me? Ask any small, furry animal that's been helplessly sucked into my BladeMaster 4000. They couldn't resist the hypnotic whir of the 17 powerful blades, and neither will Mary-Kate and Ashley.
- Grudge-Pops: Sponsor of the Russo-Canadian Games
Wait... so the Olsen twins aren't going to decide whether or not to use a wood chipper?
Damn! The people over at girlzanddeadlymachines.com (dead link) aren't going to like that!
- Scotty J. - How do i know about that site? Well...ummmm...look over there! ::points and runs away::
VIVA LES LIBERTAD SOLDATOS DE MARY-KATE!
The Founding Fore Parents of what we know today as the Mary-Kate Liberation Front rose out of an area in an era where political turmoil and violence grew apace with the dictatorship, military repression, and mass murders that had flooded their tiny Latin American country. In the late 1980's a group of South American rebels fighting against the military junta that had fallen over their country, found inspiration in the fighting spirit that existed in the ever-tethered American child star Mary-Kate. These rebels fighting for the rights of their peoples called themselves the Libertad Soldados de Mary-Kate (Freedom Soldiers Of Mary-Kate). Even at such a young age Mary-Kate's presence and talent was well known globally and felt even deep within the South American jungles. With Mary-Kate in their hearts, the members of Libertad Soldados de Mary- Kate lead an underground campaign urging their fellow citizens to rise up against the murderous military that was controlling their homeland. Fearing a full-scale revolt, the junta attempted to silence the voices by snuffing out the nascent members of the Libertad Soldados de Mary-Kate. On June 13, while celebrating the birth of their guiding spirit a group of government paid assassins broke into the headquarters (a shack behind a barbershop in the red light district of the capital city) of the Libertad Soldados de Mary- Kate and slaughtered each and everyone in the vicinity. The country mourned while the government grew far more contemptible by increasing with their deadly deeds on such a sacred day. The ends of such great men and women would not be in vain. Soon the cries of "tu eres en grande problemo, seņņor," filled the streets as thousands marched on the capital plaza. Mysteriously, the peoples of the country were met with little resistance as they took back the country from the brutal military rulers that had ordered the slaughtering of the Libertad Soldados de Mary-Kate.
Little else is known of the actual members of the Libertad Soldados de Mary-Kate. In public appearances they wore masks and handkerchiefs in order to hide their identity from informers to the Junta. These masks stopped the military rulers from aiming their forces towards the family and friends of the Libertad Soldados de Mary-Kate. The tradition of the mask lives on in the present day organization the Mary-Kate Liberation Front. In addition to issues of safety, the masks make sure the issues of liberation and ultimate autonomy remain the face of the matter. The mask protects the solidarity of our cause from that which has been the downfall of so many other freedom movements: individuals fighting for fame or personal gain.
The Mary-Kate Liberation Front was developed in 1999 with the release of Mary-Kate and her twin sister's Travel In Style dolls. Separate fans of Mary-Kate gathered in front of a Wall-Mart in order to protest the release of the dolls not being sold separately. The protesters peaceful protesters were met by baton wielding police, and were beaten and arrested for causing a public disturbance. In their holding cell the previously unintroduced freedom fighters bonded over the talent and inspiration that Mary- Kate possess, and spoke harshly of the injustices that have befallen her. A vow was made to join together and work towards awareness and a solution to the problems facing Mary-Kate today. Thus the Mary- Kate Liberation Front was born (soon after the Travel In Style dolls were released separately making it possible for fans to choose to purchase either Mary-Kate or Ashley. Some say that it was planned all along by Dualstar but it is considered the first hurdle achieved by the developing Mary-Kate Liberation Front.)
What started, like so many insurrections, in the holding cell of the local police station has developed into a movement that spans the globe. Acknowledged branches of the Mary-Kate Liberation Front are recognized in over 8 different countries and with the launch of the web site the organizations has the ability to teach and reach the limitless masses already concerned about our Mary- Kate. The Mary-Kate Liberation Front (MKLF) is an organization working towards the liberation of Mary-Kate from her sister Ashley. It is not sprung from hatred of her, less talented, sister but simply out of a love for the arts and a wish to see Mary-Kate reach her full potential. If there is any hatred towards Ashley that is endorsed by the MKLF it is aimed towards her name, the name that has been stamped along side Mary-Kate's both on products and contracts for years. It is through awareness, education, and activism that the MKLF hopes to rid Mary-Kate from this name, allowing her to realize her latent life, and be acknowledged for the true artist that she is.
(Copied from The Homepage of the Mary-Kate Liberation Front)
- The Mad Josher (an avid supporter of the MKLF)
Oh, ha ha, I get it. A prank. Real... yeah, real great there, guys. Get a guy's hope up... The ol' bait and tease; always a classic.
If you need me I'll be in my room, imagining my own grudge match, involving a mudwrestling fight between Mary Kate & Ashley and Tia & Tamara...
In my Match, the twins are saved (for me) and the wood chipper is reserved for the rest of the House cast. Have mer-*auuuggh!* Cut it ou-*uughhaa!* How ru-*ooooaaagghhh!*
Clearly the Olson Twins will win.
They are the epitome of Cuteness(TM). Once two Halfs of Michelle, always two halfs of Michelle. We all may despise them, but when was the last time you have ever seen something utterly cute being destroyed?
Let me fresh up your memory, it was NEVER! The best we could hope for is that someone will tie them up, put 'em in a crate and ship them to Abu Dhabi.
The evil entity behind the Olsen Twins has to be no other than Dick Clark (the music guy not the other one), I mean look at the guy he's what 1000 and he hasn't aged one bit? I would love to see the painting in his back closet. The thing must be hideous. However, Dick Clark is only a disguise for the ultimate evil - Cthulhu. After driving people insane with all his other ill conceived plots, he decided that music was where it was at.
- The Coyote Rules
Duuuhhhh..I vote for the Olsen twins! Do I win sumptin?
- bosda di'chi
The Grudge Match has hit new lows... but speaking as a teenage boy i cant let the twins die.
- Sad Adolecent (I sure hope i spelt that right, if not add stupid in front)
How dare you ask men to choose between a pair of hot twins and a piece of heavy machinery!
- The Kryptonian's DK
Does it make me a bad person that the thought of Mary-Kate and Ashley in a woodchipper turned me on?
But let's face it: we'd ALL like to hear about the Olson twins losing a fight with a wood chipper.
- Chocolate Moose
What I want to know is-- how many people voted for the woodchipper?
Mary-Kate and Ashley can't die until they turn eighteen, right?
- Johnny Kickenheimer
Although Mary-Kate and Ashley would probably win, I'd love for them to be chopped to shit in a wood chopper, so I'm voting for that.
What the hell.
No, seriously. What the hell.
This one is easy.
You can choke and kill a wood chipper by forcing too much wood into its hole. Who produces more more wood than the Olsen twins these days? The Olsen twins get naked...wood appears from everywhere...the woodchipper becomes overwhelmed and commits suicide. Game over.
Even if the chipper decides to take its chances, the twins are harder to penetrate than the CIA. Olsen twins hands down.
- Rusty Thornbush
Okay, I forgot to write this before but here's the thing. The Olsen twin vs. the Woodchipper was absolutely hilarious. Of course, I clicked the "woodchipper" button first. Out of curiosity, I went back and clicked the MK/A Olsen button and it goes to the same damn page. Hello?! You needed to have the have the words "complete, total and utter f*cking moron" for anyone who thought about voting for the Olsen twins.
To quote Dark Helmet: "What's *with* you people?! C'mon!"
Is there anyway we can get the wood chiper to compete in the next Tournament of Champions?
Die Olsen girls! The only reason why you're famous is because you looked cute as babies in full house.
- Darth Nerdspringer
Crap. I was really looking forward to using "Bloody Annoying"
- Darth Brooks
Mary-Kate and Ashley in a landslide. A landslide that is on top of Kenny, Wile E., and a woodchipper.
- Unseen Blue Duck
Wile E Coyote and Kenny ditch the contest and team up to destroy the entire Grudge Match empire, for their cruel and unusual trick of getting me all excited to vote for the Olsen twins (my heroes!) and then telling me that match was all a joke!!! Beware, or all of us Olsen-worshipers will come after you sporting great blonde locks and fabulous accessories.
I voted for the wood chipper, because if it's good enough for Steve Buscemi, then it's good enough for me.
... Wait a second...
WOOD CHIPPER!! WOOD CHIPPER!! WOOD CHIPPER!! WHAT!!! that was only a april fools prank! that was mean!
- Guy who wish that the Olsen Twins WOULD jump into a wood chipper
This one defanitely goes to the woodchipper. The Olsen Twins won't stand a chance. They go up to the woodchipper and.......SPLAT!!!!!!
They're dead! No more evil olsen twins!
- 17 Pole Hill Drive, Andover, MA
I'm suprised at this site for posting such an uneven fight. First of all the Woodchipper has mentos level coolness(tm) as every other garden tool DREAMS of being a woodchipper.
And least we forget... the woodchipper had a supporting role in Fargo, and many felt it stole the movie.
AWWW I really wanted to see the Olsen Twins thrown into the Wood Chipper. (BTW they will make less noise if you throw them in head first)
At last! A campaign that I can wholeheartedly support! A VOTE FOR THE WOODCHIPPER IS A VOTE FOR ALL MANGLED AND KILLED! And I do mean ALL- I'm talking Wile E., Kenny, the Olson Twins, let's throw in (literally!) the Happy Tree Friends, and why not, Barney, Jar Jar and an accordion player.
WOODCHIPPER FOR PREZ! It can't do much worse than Bush!
A guy can dream.
- -Guszilla. That's right, THE Guszilla.
Call me crazy, but I still think the wood chipper has the edge here.
- Jak the Duck
Mary Kate and Ashley stare at the cold, metal machine of death. The each know what the other one is thinking. Are their lives really worth anything? Or are the just hollow lies brought on from being child stars. This question has been nawing at them for years. Mary K. ask Ashely "Do you think we should just end it all now?" "I don't know, Mary Kate," replies Ashley,"Sometimes I do wish I were dead. Stardom isn't all that it's cracked up to be." Mary Kate ponders this. "Wait. Just think of all the good things. Our tons of money, the fact that we never had to go to a real school." The wood chipper drones on in the background, and Ashley eyes it longingly. "I don't know, M.K., I'm so torn," says Ashley. "Well, if fame and money don't stop you, think of our fans," persuades Mary Kate. "What would they do without us? They'd be lost." "I guess," replies Ashley. "Sorry, wood chipper, not today." The two girls turn back to the house, ready to get on the phone so they can finish their job. They knock on the door, but there is no answer. The girls turn and sit down to try and think of another way in. Suddenly, the door to the cabin bursts open. Apperently it wasn't abandoned after all! The girls spin around to see none other than the big guy from Fargo. He is carrying the corpse of Steve Bucimi, and use it like a club to knock the girls down. He then procedes to scoop them up and feed them into the woodchipper. This being done, he tosses in Steve for good measure, then goes back to the cabin for a nice mug of hot chocolate.
- Eric Bloodaxe
B-but... I really wanted to see the Olsen twins thrown into a wood- chipper!
- The Saint
You know, I almost believed that the Olsen twin thing was real, just to test the demographics that Grudge Match appeals to. I mean, if the Olsen twins won, that would mean that the voters were probably either female, young, old, or really really horny for twins. If the Wood Chipper won, that would mean a lot of people that voted were male, between 16 and 30, blood-crazed, and very very sadistic.... hmmm, I voted for the Wood Chipper..... this might be a bad sign.....
OK first of all, I must say, that in most of Mary Kate and Ashleys movies, they are either fighting for a boy, or for themselves. Here they are only fighting for dignity. Meaning no motive for them, so they lose. Plus, they would have so much undereye make-up that they would tear up, and blind themselves. End of story!
You foolish fools, you willingly bring the wrath of the Olsen twins upon your selves. An evil such as theirs will not be mocked.
Halfway through this deathtrap debaucale, the Twins will burst onto the scene wielding the wood chipper. Kenny will of couse die first, next the Coyote shall be shredded. Worry not their very natures ensure that both characters shall be returned to normal within the week. Sadly you mortals will not be as lucky and the twins shall descend upon you with vengence buring in their eyes.
Fortunately for you this is an evil that shall be enveloped by a greater evil. For the mysterious woodchipper, none other than one of my own agents of evil, shall once again call them to their dooms.
First of all however, it shall instruct them to sign binding legal documents taped to the side of the woodchipper naming me their sole beneficiary. Then once they leap to their ends, all of their vast, latent evil energy shall passs onto me ans increase my power.
Furthermore their millions of undeserved dollars shall fund my evil efforts further, pushing your pathetic realm closer to it enevitable conquest by me.
- Spiffy, Elite Shadow Warrior and Future Master of You Pathetic Organ Sacs
Next Match: Another "Full House" inspired match.
Next Match: Another "Full House" inspired match.