World Wide Web Fights Presents
What is Grudge Match?
What is Grudge Match?

The Scenario

Washington, D.C., January 21st, 2005, White House Press Room. Donald Rumsfeld at the podium.

"Thank you all for attending. As President Bush mentioned in yesterday's inaugural address, this administration will be stepping things up a bit more to defend against terrorism (TM). To that end, we have created the Department of Kicking Ass. We have not decided on a head of this department yet. We cannot use Pre-9/11 thinking and just nominate somebody. This person will have to literally kick ass to get the post. We have lined up several people to fight for this position tentatively called the Secretary of Ass Kicking. Were there people who'd be better for the position? Absolutely. Were many of them booked with prior engagements? Certainly. Were a lot of them members of the Hollywood Liberal Elite and therefore disqualified? Unfortunately, yes. Let me introduce the applicants to you ..."

"Hello, all you happy people," says Droopy as he walks onto the platform.

"Curse me kilts. You lads are in for a lesson in Scottish warfare," Scrooge McDuck quips as he walks to his place in line.

"This will all be irrelevant after I vaporize your inconvenient little planet," concludes Marvin the Martian.

The next competitor, rocker Izzy Stradlin, introduces himself by revving the engine on his Harley-Davidson motorcycle, welcoming all in attendance (or watching C-SPAN) to his jungle.

"I've killed plenty of television shows in my day," brags Ted McGinley. "And I can kill terrorists, too."

"CAPTAIN CAVEMA-A-A-A-A-N!" A furry creature waving a large club scoots onto the stage.

"Look at this pathetic group of losers!" spits Carla Tortelli as she sizes up the other contestants. "You're the scum that other scum scrape off their shoes. This is gonna be easy!"

"BROKAW!" is bellowed from stage right. "You magnificent bastard. I read your book!" General George Smith Patton, Jr. marches onto the stage, slightly nodding to the former NBC anchor sitting in the audience.

A frowning, oval-headed infant scuttles into view. "Stewie Griffin, Secretary of Ass-kicking... At last I will be able to achieve my goals of world domination and matricide. And all I have to do is defeat this bunch of vulgar philistines? Victory is mine! What the deuce?"

"Name's Ash," says the man carrying a chainsaw in his left hand as he cocks his shotgun with his right. He pauses to give a suspicious glare at Helen Thomas. "Housewares. Shop smart, shop S-Mart."

"Okay," Mr. Rumsfeld concludes. "These applicants will be airlifted into a wrestling-style ring. The ring will be surrounded by a moat filled with sharks. The ring and moat will be encased by a steel cage. Once there is only one applicant left, the cage will be lifted. At that time, the final applicant will be allowed to jump the moat and cross the finish line, and will be named Secretary of Ass Kicking. To the chopper!"

Droopy, Scrooge McDuck, Marvin the Martian, Izzy Stradlin, Ted McGinley, Captain Caveman, Carla Tortelli, General George S. Patton, Stewie Griffin, Ash Williams

Scrooge McDuck
Marvin the Martian
Izzy Stradlin
Ted McGinley
Captain Caveman
Carla Tortelli
General George S. Patton
Stewie Griffin
Ash Williams

The Commentary

STEVE: Sure, the uneducated may quickly dismiss Droopy. Clearly, they have never sat through an entire Droopy cartoon. Yes, he's mild mannered and completely harmless -- until you piss him off. Once he says the magic phrase "You know what, that makes me mad," he might as well have spoken "Shazam!" or "By the power of Greyskull!" Instantly, he can defy all laws of physics and probability. Indestructible, he's everywhere and nowhere, infinite strength, and leaving a path of destruction in his wake. All fear Droopy!

In addition, Droopy can't help but win given the meager competition. Marvin the Martian? He continually loses to both Bugs and Daffy. Stewie? The last time I checked, he's still crawling around in diapers and has been as successful as The Brain. Scrooge McDuck? Well, he's loaded, but that's about all I can say for him. Carla Tortelli? Sure, as if an over-the-hill bar waitress is going to stop anyone. Izzy? A canadian will never be appointed as the Secretary of Ass Kicking. That much is certain. Now Patton could kick ass when giving orders, but we're never too sure how he would make out having to fight his own battles. All in all, a pretty pathetic bunch. Droopy easily wins.

BRENDAN: The winner here is going to be the one with the most experience, the most resources, the one who is smarter than the smarties and tougher than the toughies. In other words: Scrooge McDuck. Scrooge rose from immigrant stock, having nothing more than a kilt and a dime to become the richest duck in the world. He's done everything from dig for gold in the Yukon to plunder tombs in Egypt. He's traveled across space and time, battled witches, monsters and more Beagle Boys than the population of China, and has proven that he can make money off of anything. He has scientific geniuses and superheroes cheerfully working for him when he barely even pays them a living wage, owns the most powerful magical talisman in the world and has access to the sum of all worldly knowledge, the Junior Woodchuck's Guidebook. He has survived not only more than 100 plane crashes and imprisonment in a maximum security prison but also raising three bratty nephews. He's so hard core that even his butler can single handily defeat an alien civilization. And if all else fails, just wait until he breaks out the bagpipes. Then you'll see a weapon of mass destruction so powerful even the U.N. couldn't ignore it.

HOTBRANCH!: If we see the changes that are on the political horizon, it is clear that the new SecAssKick must be someone who was not originally born in the US, but has come to appreciate what the land of liberty represents. This is the reasoning behind potential constitutional amendments aimed at transforming the Governator into the Presinator. This love of a new home, borne of knowing how much worse it could be elsewhere is what will allow Marvin the Martian to lay a serious whuppin' on anyone who dares to lay a finger in anger against the US.

Not only does Marvin have the passion to defend his new homeland, he has the tools: Instant Martians provide extra troops to defend the land, his disintegrating pistol leaves only piles of dust of what were once hostile enemies, and the Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator only requires minor tweaking to tone it down for land-to-land or continental applications. Nobody else comes equipped with a personal arsenal.

The counter-argument is stale: Marvin never won. Considering that Marvin lost to Bugs and Daffy, Grudge Champions™, he's a formidable opponent for these lesser contestants. Marvin won't be asking where's the kaboom; he'll be delivering it.

MARK: Izzy Stradlin has this one. This is about survival. For 7 years, Izzy was in Guns N Roses. (Do I really need to go further?) He's survived alcohol, cocaine, heroin, a riot, being attacked by his father's dog, Axl Rose, a Vince Neil sucker punch, Indiana, etc. Plus, his close friendship with Keith Richards has probably taught him some survival skills. And he's got a guitar. It's not called an axe for nothing.

Izzy's opponents? Cartoons, cartoon-voiced Patton, and Ash. Well, I'm not sure if I should call him Ash, Ashley, Evil Ash, or Mini-Ash. Whatever his nom du jour, he's A.K.A. Shark Food in the end.

Oh yeah, and a guy who played a pretty-boy QB who was bested by nerds. Good luck to Ted.

Defeating cartoons is simple. Known for public urination, Izzy (an airplane) and Patton (the Seine, the Rhine, an officer's slit trench) do their business on the cartoons, making the animation cells unusable and worthless.

Izzy is also known for having little tolerance for prima donnas (see Axl Rose). Consider this fair warning for Patton.

Izzy Stradlin: He don't take crap!

JOHN: Ted McGinley wins, not merely because of the notional shark-jumping in the scenario, but because he possesses enough shark-jumping prowess to bring the whole Grudge Match multiverse to a screeching halt. Just think about it. The man has been the primary agent for the death of at least twelve separate TV shows. His participation in this Grudge Match dooms this entire proud franchise to quick annihilation. I'm afraid.

Look, I'm not going to sugarcoat anything here. Patton, McDuck, even Droopy(tm) are all very worthy contestants. But this is like fighting antimatter. You can't defeat antimatter in a fight. You can only run from it or be consumed by it. McGinley is like the Borg. Although, if the two were to ever fight, the Borg would end up wearing v-neck sweaters and feathered hair, and they'd go on to destroy television across the time/space continuum.

Ted McGinley wins this, the potentially final Grudge Match in the course of human endeavour. I must say, it has certainly been a pleasure working with<override system params

insert command file McGinley.character.Grudge

terminating function.Grudge.Match

Ted.McGinley v7.015 has been installed. Would you like to shut down?

JOE: No one has a chance against Captain Caveman. He's the only superhero in the ring (hence the cape). Droopy's got nothing. Patton has no army. Scrooge's money won't help. Unless Izzy has a shotgun, he's dead. Ted may have had a chance if Al Bundy was along. Tortelli may talk a lot of trash, but her puny fists won't do much to Cavey Wavey's thick cro-magnon hide.

Stewie and Marvin can bring their arsenals, but the Caveman's ability to pull anything he could possibly need from his fur can counter whatever they bring. If the fight comes down to hand to hand combat, the Captain's super-human strength gives him a clear advantage. Ash might have a chance, but he has Witty Banter Syndrome(TM), so Captain Caveman will have plenty of time to beat the crap out of him while he's spitting out one-liners. And if things get rough, he can always fly above the crowd, let them fight it out, then club the last man standing on the head and declare victory.

Captain Caveman is also the coolest contestant. No one else has the Teen Angels out in the stands cheering for them and when he becomes Secretary of Ass Kicking, he's gonna have three cute little assistants working for him.

BRIAN: Is there any real doubt that Carla Maria Victoria Angelina Teresa Apollonia Lozupone Tortelli LeBec will win this event? She's basically a hockey player and a bar bouncer rolled up into one, and no one else on the slate can touch that resume. The only person or thing close to being as nasty as her is the despicable Louie DePalma, and she managed to tame that beast long ago.

Without delving too far into Carla's impressive abilities, let's simply look at her strategy. Carla's the only woman in the mix. This makes her totally immune to the five cartoon characters, since violence against women is simply not tolerated in the animated world. Ash, Ted and the guitar player will be too busy hitting on her to notice what's coming. Patton's the only one that might come close, but if he's going to slap around anybody, it'll be the nearest private, not a barmaid. She'll lay low at first and then use her womanly wiles, hockey fight tricks and lots of piss and vinegar to come out ahead.

This is a woman who spawned and raised six felonious children, some of whom are probably already on the DoKA WatchList™. Her life is a caged death match. No one else can touch that experience.

SHANE: {steps forward, salutes}

Now, I want you to remember that no commentator ever won a Grudge Match by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb commentators die for their countries!

Look at the record. West Point grad; Olympic athlete; war hero from Mexico to Nazi Germany; all-time champion of eloquent profanity. George Patton has the best skill, the best training, and the best fighting spirit in the world. Like all real Americans, he loves the sting of battle. That is why Patton has never lost, and will never lose, a Grudge Match.

You know, I actually pity those poor fellas Patton is going up against. By God, I do. He is not just going to shoot them, he is going to cut out their living (or animated) guts and use them to grease the wheels of his new office chair at the DoKA. He is going to murder those lousy would-be defenders of this great land by the bushel! Patton will go through them like an English Soccer Hooligan™ through a Frenchman! (And if anyone ever needed a good slapping...)

All right now, you know how I feel. Oh, and I will be proud to lead you wonderful guys into battle anytime, anywhere. That's all.

DAVE: Ladies and gentlemen, your new Secretary of Ass-Kicking is Stewie Griffin. If ever there were a case of brains being more valuable than brawn, this match is it. Only the right blend of firepower and strategy will win the day. And in his short life, Stewie has already built lasers, weather-controlling machines, shrink rays, mind-control devices, and all sorts of deadly gadgets. Plus, Stewie's no stranger to brawling. He's taken out men literally five times his size using psychological tactics and baby-bottle nunchuks. And his opposition? Mere thugs who probably can't think past their next punch. Stewie will vaporize them with his characteristic elegance.

Remember, to defeat your enemy you must think like him. Who better to fight terrorism than an evil genius bent on world domination? Also remember that, as an infant, Stewie is just getting started in the field of ass-kicking. Think how awesome he will be when he no longer needs feeding, changing, or naps. Plus, he sings, dances, and throws sexy parties! In short order, Stewie will win the Grudge Match, overcome the moat, disembowel Lois, eliminate the terrorists, perhaps have some pancakes, and conquer the world. Damn you all!

PAUL: It deeply saddens me to explain the obvious again. Ash was in the Evil Dead movies. He kicked the evil dead's ass. Ash was in Army of Darkness. He kicked army of darkness ass. Ash starred in Sam Raimi's first real movie. After Hercules, Xena and Spiderman, Sam is kicking Hollywood's ass. Sense a pattern?

Ash also has the intel edge from years at S-Mart. He has detailed info on all his enemies' equipment and how to exploit them. See that toy weapon Stewie is using? It's unsafe for children under age 3. Bye-bye! Most of these bozos brought clubs, moneybags, guitars, etc. This is a boom stick and chainsaw fight, not a Renaissance festival. Ash knows how to handle primitively armed enemies: blast 'em and blow 'em up. Groovy.

Add in the Mentos Level Coolness™. Only Ahnold can compete when it comes to cool quips. If the doofus Daffy Duck is too tough for him, then I got Marvin's KABOOM right here. That leaves Patton and did I mention Ash built himself a bionic hand with 14th century blacksmith technology? That's an accomplishment that would leave MacGyver in awe, the same MacGyver who in Grudge lore beat Mr. T! Guess who's dying for his country this time?

Hail to the king, baby!

Thanks to Professor Keith "Dr. Stones" Gaddie for indirectly inspiring this idea.

The Results

Ash Williams (1474 - 32.1%)

clatto verata neckties

Stewie Griffin (1113 - 24.2%)

George S. Patton (465 - 10.1%)

Droopy (439 - 9.5%)

Scrooge McDuck (335 - 7.3%)

Marvin the Martian (234 - 5.1%)

Izzy Stradlin (229 - 5.0%)

Captain Caveman (141 - 3.1%)

Carla Tortelli (100 - 2.2%)


Ted McGinley (66 - 1.4%)

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Voter Comments


There's so much asskicking going on here, I can't choose a winner. These contestants have all kicked too much ass to vote against, ever. In fact, I bet the concentrated asskickery from putting everyone in the same room would cause the asskicking to collapse into itself, forming an infinitely dense asskick field from which not even light can escape.

Man, that would kick ass.

- Fish of Death

Silver Grudgie ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

Sun Tzu's main point in his books on tactics was, "The competent general only seeks battle when it has already been won." All the contestants here have been in a situation where their futures have been in question, where the outcome of the battle is uncertain. All except one. Droopy Dog is never out of control of any scenario. Even with a loaded Howitzer pointed at his jowled mug, he is calm, cool, with half-closed lids revealing his utter disdain for any attempt to resist his might. Scrooge? His attachment to material things is easily exploited. Marvin? His anger is easily worked upon to force a mistake. Patton? His pride in his country will be his downfall. Izzy? Ted? Carla? Ash? Stewie? Caveman? They're all easily coerced into submission through their weaknesses and vices.

All will fall before General Droopy, the new Secretary of Ass Kicking.

- The Mad Josher

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

Ted McGinley wins.

Unfortunately, his Ted McGinley powers (TM) work against the White House administration instead of for it. I mean, since when did having this guy on your show mean a ratings dive for your competitors?

Ted singlehandedly brings an end to the two-party system, and possibly even all of American democracy. Pat Buchanan wins in '08. God help us.

- J-Money

All I can hear right now is George C. Scott yelling, "OWWWWWWW, my GROIN!!!!"

- Smooth Jimmy Apollo - (Insert "crap through a goose" joke here)

The fact that Family Guy gets any votes at all bothers me (c'mon. It's a Simpsons blooper reel with different color palettes), but the fact that its getting more votes than Marvin the Martian, Scrooge McDuck and Droopy COMBINED is downright appalling. These are legends of animation.

But I pick Scrooge for the win and here's why. Sure, he may not get many votes because he's a "pansy Disney character". No. The ducks are exempt from that rule. Donald? Psycho capable of conjuring hellfire. The nephews? The most devious little bastards in animation history. Scrooge is the richest duck in the world, has faced down evils that nobody else in this bizarre contest, including Ash, have ever encountered.

Droopy is the only one here that could stand up to Scrooge, being a Tex Avery cartoon and all. But his whole "that makes me mad" schtick only works on weak-willed second-string characters. Scrooge is not one of these. The only thing Droopy could do to break Scrooge would be to destroy his Number One Dime, but ol' McDuck wasn't stupid enough to bring it to the match.

DuckTales! Woo-oo!

- Mike Brzeski

As the contestants begin piling into one another, Stewie Griffin sneaks away. The carnage continues without him for a few moments, then suddenly, just when he's about to send his club into Droopy's skull, Captain Caveman gasps and drops dead. A moment later, Scrooge McDuck has become a corpse for no apparent reason, and the other contestants follow one by one! What is going on?!

Stewie has got back in his shrinking flying machine, which he last used to go into Peter's body and destroy all his sperm to prevent his parents having another child! Just replace "Peter" with "opponents", "sperm" with "essential parts of the brain", and "prevent parents having another child" with "becoming Secretary of Ass Kicking and decorating his office with a nice Lois-skin rug" and Stewie is the victor.

- Richard

This match boils down to a simple matter of cartoons vs. people. Individual characters aside, they basically have the same generic abilities.

Cartoons have two main abilities. The first to take massive amounts of damage and shake it off, and the second is that they can summon pretty much any item from thin air. However cartoons also have a disadvantage as they never really deal permanant damage. They may smack a character into a brick wall, but 10 seconds later, they get up. This means a cartoon character can never win because they can not deal permanant damage.

Real characters have the advantage of being able to deal real damage to people. Their disadvatage is that they will fall quickly to each other, leaving the cartoons to slug it out.

Barring one character who combines the talents of both cartoons and real characters.

That person is ASH.

Think about it. In Evil Dead he is thrown around, bashed, cuts off his own hand, etc. In Army of Darkness he was sucked into evil books, had his face rearranged, drank boiling water, etc. Ash can survive any amount of damage dealt to him. He also has the ability to never run out of gas for the chainsaw, or shells for his shotgun. This seems to be a limited version of the cartoon characters abilities to summon anything. Finally he is able to kill things, demons, people, etc.

Everything falls before Ash. And so will all the other characters.

- Greg T.

Ahh, another battle royale, how I love these. First, let's get rid of the competitors who DO NOT kick ass. I think they were added by Rumsfeld to give the American public some bloodshed early on, to whet their appetites.

Droopy does not kick ass. He comes back from ass kickings no problem, and he does that little thing of taking someone by the hand and swinging them back and forth, bonking them senseless, but come on.

Scrooge McDuck does not kick ass. He's Disney. What from Disney kicks ass, or is allowed to kick ass (children might be watching)?

Marvin the Martian? He GETS his ass kicked, not the other way around.

Ted McGinley is the guy who was married to Marcy and took HER last name on Married With Children. He doesn't kick ass, he says "yes dear".

Captain Caveman does not kick ass. Nothing that looks like that, or has a son as dweeby as he does can kick ass.

That leaves Izzy, Carla, Patton, Stewie, and Ash. Izzy and Carla will mysteriously disappear, for a little action they'll regret the next time they're sober, in about four years or so.

Now we have Patton, Stewie and Ash. Patton may be tough, but when it comes to fighting down and dirty, the only two who are up for the task are Stewie and Ash. Patton will either be zapped by one of Stewie's laser cannons, or laid out on the ground when Ash tells him his shoe is untied and he looks down to check, only to be hit by an uppercut.

Down to the final two. Despite how crafty he is, Stewie is still susceptible to naptimes, booster shots, and a bad addiction to pancakes. Until he can overcome these and many other problems, he won't be able to go the distance with Ash. Maybe when he's older though...

- Pareeha

Ash will win this for the following reasons:

1.) He lopped off his own hand when it turned bad. HIS OWN HAND PEOPLE!

2.) Stewie, while completely evil, a.)still can't kill off his own mother, and b.) is still an infant. Granted, an evil genius infant with many deadly weapons and experiments, but an infant nonetheless.

3.) Ash has a history of dealing with demonic evil, and eventually defeating it. Stewie's plan's rarely succeed.

In the end, Ash will raise his boomstick(tm) into the air in victory.

- He-Who Knows-All

What a Secretary of Ass-Kicking needs is not only the ability to kick ass, but a high level of ass-kicking resistance (i.e. they must have never had their ass kicked). Who on this list can claim that?

Not Izzy Stradlin. Especially considering the fact that he was kicked out of a band by a man whose last name is ROSE, for crying out loud.

Not Captain Caveman, whose cartoon was so bad they won't even show it on Cartoon Network.

Not Marvin the Martian, who routinely got his ass kicked by Bugs Bunny, even with the help of Instant Martians.

Not Ted McGinley, who suffered possibly the most famous defeat at the hands of a bunch of nerds...AND KILLED SPORTS NIGHT!!!! I LOVED THAT SHOW!!!! DAMN YOU, TED! DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry... where was I?

Not Scrooge McDuck, who was dumb enough to be fooled by the friggin Beagle Brothers. Apparently, the numbers on the shirts coupled with the masks was NO problem for him.

Not Carla Tortelli... I think that were she a proper ass kicker, she would have OWNED that bar, and we never would have seen Frasier or Diane again. Too bad, too... she's probably riding a wave of RSCBM (Red Sox Curse-Breaking Mojo) right now.

Not Stewie, unfortunately...his evil plans are continually thwarted by his mother, of all people.

Not Ash, although I was really rooting for him. He was nearly killed by his own miniature reflections! Besides, I'm pretty sure everyone else in the competition can remember the phrase Klaatu Barata Nicto.

Not General Patton, surprisingly. I've never heard of any military officer with a perfect war record. He had to have lost sometime!

Which leaves us with our champion...sad-looking even for a basset hound, but don't you dare get him mad. Not only can he kick your ass, but he can call in his brother Drippy and his son for help! Do you really want to deal with a whole family of super-strong basset hounds? I didn't think so.

Of course, this is all assuming the match doesn't take place in Florida, and require God knows how many recounts.

- Scotty J. - As far as ass kicking goes, where's McBain when you need him?

How dare you make me choose between Ash and one a member of one of my favorite bands of all time!

Eh, I guess Ash, Izzy may have an axe, but Ash has a saw. But if you chose Slash, it would be all GNR baby.

- Shaun the Other White Meat

Not only would the glorious General George S. Patton walk away as the new sec, through circumstances beyond most everyone's control, he will walk away with a better job as well. The President, V.P., Speaker of the House, and everyone else listed before him on the succession list will be in attendance to witness the action (plus a good number of representatives of the nation's media on hand to cover the event). Throughout the course of the fight, all will be killed and/or severely mangled (except, for some odd reason, the cameramen) and therefore rendered unable to perform their duties. Therefore, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the next President of the United States of America, George S. Patton.

- Shorty, Lord of Contradictory Names

This one will come down to two people.

Stewie, and Ash.

The only reason Stewie makes the final two, is that he has succeeded in the impossible... He has built a time machine, that actually worked. So, he simply rebuilds it, and goes forward in time to the end of the match. But he didn't expect what was waiting for him...


With Ash's one-liners that you spoke of so much, he will easily trick Stewie into giving up. The boy was tricked by a sperm, for crying out loud, and has argued with a toilet. Therefore, while Stewie is still trying to create a comeback, Ash will simply annihilate him, and all the sharks, and terrorists.

- Trohs Nave

This is one of those tough matches with just about too many opponents. Let's check them out one by one.

The Toons:

Marvin the Martian - Besides always losing in Looney Tunes cartoons, Marvin has done a lousy job of keeping Earth spacecraft away from his planet. He has only stopped about half of them over the years. Then, there is the question of what Marvin really is. Based on the findings of the Spirit and Opportunity rovers as well as Mars Express, the only somewhat possible (very long shot) life on Mars would be underground dwelling microbes. Such a heritage makes Marvin not very threatening at all.

Stewie Griffin - A technological whiz, Stewie alas suffers from the Evil Genius Syndrome. While his weapons and technology are impressive, his plans always fail in the end. The closest he comes to victory is maintaining the status quo.

Captain Caveman - While he might have been formidable in the Stone Age, in modern times, primitive people don't fare so well. Look at history. It is a laundry list of primitive societies being dominated or even exterminated by more advanced ones. Don't count on the Captain to last long.

Droopy Dog - A truly tough opponent. Nearly indestructible and capable of amazing feats, he could be the strongest toon in the competition except for...

Scrooge McDuck - Scrooge McDuck has the advantage of being of Scottish origin and it has been established by numerous Grudge Match precedents that the Scots are the fiercest warriors in the GM universe.

The Humans:

Izzy Stradlin - A heavy metal musician. While aggressive, he is probably too wasted to be of much use in a real fight.

Ted McGinley - The source of his power is not true buttkicking skill, but a kind of supernatural, life-force depleting power. This might have been of some use in this match except that it has weakened considerably over time and even lovely lightweights like Kelly Ripa and Faith Ford are apparently resistant to it. If you have troubles overcoming Faith Ford and Kelly Ripa, you have no business in a Grudge Match.

Carla Tortelli - Essentially a barmaid/bouncer. True, she might be effective at dealing with rowdy drunks and teens, but the opponents in this Grudge Match are sterner stuff. Carla is out of her element here.

General Patton - One of a few truly excellent fighters in this match. Coupled with his aggression and fearlessness, he also has great knowledge of strategy and history. He even believed he could tap into his past lives as soldiers for information.

Ash Williams - Probably the most resourceful opponent in the match. Plus, he was portrayed by Bruce Campbell, which makes him cooler than Mentos(tm). He will be very tough.

The Match:

At the start, Stewie and Marvin get into a heated argument over who has the better technology. Droopy and Captain Caveman, sensing an opportunity, battle the two technophiles while Scrooge McDuck goes into a rage and fights like an enraged Scotsman.

While this is going on, Ash has sized up the Toon situation and has prepared a quantity of Dip(tm) and uses it to dissolve all the Toons. Carla starts in on attacking Ted McGinley, who vainly tries to use his power to stop her. That struggle is cut short when Patton draws his ivory handled (not pearl handled) revolver and shoots Carla in the head. Ted wonders what happened, but another bullet from Ol' Blood & Guts splatters his blood and guts all over the place. Izzy Stradlin is too darn plastered to really notice what is going on and bumps into Ash's chainsaw, getting himself cut to ribbons.

This leaves the cool Ash Williams and General Patton. Much as I like Bruce Campbell, Ash loses as he is busy hurling witticisms at Patton who simply fires his revolver again and takes out Ash. Fortunately for Ash, his DIY bionics have put so much metal in his body that the bullet does not kill him, but leaves him unconscious. However, by the rules of the match, Patton wins.

Patton emerges victorious and takes the job, grateful to be working for an administration that shares his philosophy.

- The Demented Astronomer

Since this match comes down to ass kicking, not having one's ass handed to them, there are only three real combatants: Patton, Stewie, and Ash.

Now Patton doesn't have any men to command, but don't let that fool you, he could still kick some serious ass... in OUR world. This man is ruled by the laws of physics, and as such, has no chance against a domination obsessed toddler or a man who built a bionic hand with nothing more than an entry level CHEMISTRY 101 book and some elbow grease!

That leaves Stewie and Ash on the field of battle. Being both a Family Guy and an Army of Darkness fan I would normally find it difficult to decide, but I think that Stewie will lose this match. This is due to the simple fact that no matter what he accomplished all one would have to do is wait a half hour. That's right, Stewie's accomplishments would be null and void by the beginning of the next episode! Status Quo on Family Guy must be maintained! As proof, I submit the Y2K episode. After all, any universe where someone as mind- numbingly idiotic as Peter Griffin could escape winning a Darwin Award can't really be tough enough to train Stewie in the school of Hard Knocks (TM).

Ash wins, never taking the time to reload.

Hail to the King baby!

- Denevive

Droopy has a chance ... until the camera zooms out and gets a shot of the entire arena. Then the next time he gets smashed, crushed, or what-have-you, he'll reappear off-camera, out of the ring.


But I'm voting for him anyway, for while he does not have what it takes to win this match, he'll make a better Secretary of Ass-Kicking than the others. Imagine Osama in the Wolf's place in those Droopy cartoons. The War on Terror can be won overnight!

- Katrover Swatroad

Scrooge McDuck would win for one simple reason: He has a cubic acre of money. But it's not the money that can help him, it's his ability to transcend dimensions. An acre is a two-dimensional figure. A cubic acre would therefore be a six-dimensional figure. Now, if Scrooge McDuck is able to package his money into this format, just think of what he could do to the competition.

- S-chan

HOLY CRAP! Ten combatants? This took me almost fifteen minutes to decide!

Droopy: Usually relies on others' stupidity, cheating, and greed to destroy themselves. None of these fighters will fall prey to that. Out.

Ash Williams: I'm not voting for him, simply because of all the response you're going to get with the quote, "Hail to the King." Out.

Carla: Cheers characters never win in Grudge Match. Norm and the other chick didn't stand a chance, neither will she. Out.

Ted McGinley: Can only destroy TV series, and without any show to ruin, he destroys the only other thing he can--himself. Hooray. Out.

Captain Caveman: Freaks me out. He charges toward Izzy, screaming and waving a club. Izzy moves to the right and Cap falls into the shark pit. Out.

Stewie Griffin: Might have a chance, IF it wasn't for the fact Peter utterly spoils any attempt to have the Griffin family succeed. Peter thinks this is a father/son bonding moment and removes Stewie from the fight, ignoring his commands to "Put me down, you obtuse, obese, O...moron!" Out.

Marvin the Martian: Cannot run, only walk at a snail's pace while the cool music plays. The others take him out before he's halfway across the ring. Out.

Izzy Stradlin: Izzy starts to fight it out with Patton. USA defeats Canada. Always. Out.

This leaves Patton and Scrooge. Patton fights for his country, Scrooge fights for money. I'm going with the more sacred of motives.



- Sir Exal (That's Scooge!...Whatever.)

The only person here who deserves to lose is-

President Bush!

And the best method of removing this menace is by way of a pretzel. Obviously the cartoon characters can be shaped like a pretzel, because artists can do anything. But Scrooge is too old, Stewie is too small, Caveman has too much hair, and Marvin is the wrong color. The president, now not being allowed to eat crunchy pretzels, will view the Droopy-Pretzel as a godsend. Allowing Droopy to make a Surprise Attack (TM).

Droopy Wins.

- Someone who barely knew half the people on this list.

I assume I'm not the first one to mention this, but...

Shouldn't there be an eleventh button, for the sharks? There are good odds that whoever wins will decide to do some sort of victory dance afterward. (Captain Caveman never did anything but victory dances on his show, Izzy will do some kind of drunken leap, Ash and Patton do quasi-military struts, etc.) In the process, they stumble around and fall into a shark's mouth. The rules clearly stated that the winner must pass the sharks to claim victory, winner, unless the sharks can be designated as such.

The one combatant who is too sedate to stumble into the sharks is Droopy Dog. But given the excessive levels of Botox in his system (which we learned of through the fine documentary "Harvey Birdman"), Lord knows what will happen if he tries to leap over the finned fiends.

Victory to the sharks!

- Shark Bait

I voted for Ted, because I'm an American hating terrorist lover who wants to see the Department of Ass Kicking get dropped after two seasons due to lack of viewer interest.

- StrigoiTemplar

It seems that when this match was being prepared, everyone forgot one simple fact: the only competitors who can actually FIGHT are Droopy, Marvin, Stewie, and Ash. (Yeah, you could make a point for Captain Caveman, but that club against two lasers (Stewie, Marvin) and a shotgun (Ash)? There's a reason cavemen were outdone by Cro-Magnons.)

The feathers fly, Ted's head bounces out of the ring, hair fills the air, Izzy drops with three gaping holes in him, and now we're down to four. I'm afraid Droopy's next to go. As a cartoon hero, he made it past the weeding out of the noncombatants, yes. But Marvin and Stewie are cartoons as well, and he's unarmed. A minute later, and then there were three.

Who's next to die? Sorry, Family Guy fans, but Stewie just won't make it. Oh, sure, he has an industrial-sized amount of the RAGE (tm) going for him, but so does Marvin (years of being overlooked by Warner Brothers) and Ash (two really awful videogames being the only work he's had since the 80's). And they both have more experience at this than he does. And then there were two.

And now it's the final battle: Marvin the Martian versus Ash. Both have the RAGE (tm), both have Mentos-style Coolness (tm). It's down to a battle of the catchphrases:

"You're making me very, very angry!"


Marvin's helmet goes flying, and Ash claims the ring.

- Man Called True - "This was just a cheap way to clear the Orphans list, wasn't it?"

Okay, first off, McGinley will last about three seconds. Every other contestant knows that if he wins, the world loses. He'd take down the anti-terror department like a two-ton momma on a tiny lawnchair, and everyone knows it. Bye bye, Ted.

But in the end, is there any doubt? Ash will stand victorious in the end. I'm sorry, but no one else in the arena can hold a candle to the complete awesomeness that is Bruce Campbell. You have to remember that these characters are being dropped into the ring as they are. They have no access to any resources other than what they have on them. Ash has a chainsaw/mechanical hand and a shotgun that never seems to run out of ammo. Not to mention that Ash always gets right down to business. Sure, he'll wisecrack when he's got time, but when he doesn't, he kicks incalculable amounts of ass, then delivers the witty one-liners.

Droopy won't have time to get pissed. Either his head will come off or he'll find a large hole in his stomach. Scrooge is a tough old duck, but he's just that: An old duck. He's always had access to Gyro's inventions, or large sums of cash to buy supplies. He has neither here, and as tough a Scotsman as he is, he's duck soup in the moat. Too bad Ash is immune to bribery, which was McDuck's only advantage. Marvin has nothing. He's always getting his ass handed to him. Let's see if that scrub-brush helmet can stop the spinning blade of a chainsaw. Nope, didn't think so. Sure, Izzy has survived every drug known to man (and some that aren't), and thus he'd be pretty formidable, but unless his guitar is solid Kevlar, he's going down. Ash hits him point blank with the 12-guage and pops his head like a ripe watermelon.

Captain Caveman, like all the other cartoon characters, doesn't have much time to react before he's either confetti or a paper doll, just like all the other cartoons. Tortelli? "Lady, I'm afraid I'm going to have ask you to leave the arena." "Ash, you prick, you liked me when you were drunk last night!" "Baby, you got real ugly." Ash doesn't have qualms about kicking female ass when threatened by it. Patton is tough, but he's more at home as a commander. Something tells me he doesn't have a bulletproof vest under that uniform. Stewie is one wily little cuss, but the infant usually screws it up. He can't even kill Lois, for cryin' out loud! Not to mention he doesn't have access to the necessary equipment to create his weapons, like Mr. Spell or even a pair of bottles. He's going down, Dawn of the Dead style.

Ash mops up the arena, then snatches a hot young intern from the White House staff.

"Hail to the King, baby."

- anonymous

Ash has got this fight won. Ash has already proved that he can take down animated characters. Plus the odds are already in his favor. Its a ring match, who do you think the ring announcer is? That's right, its Bruce Campbell's cameo roll from Spider-Man.

Campbell is everywhere. He is the CAMEO king. If Sam Raimi ever directs an episode of the West Wing you can bet Bruce will be the Secratary of something.

At any rate if Ash needs anymore help, all he has to do is look in a mirror and he's got himself an evil Ash to help him.


Ash will mop the floor with these losers. He has the tech, the know-how, and the attitude to take them on. Anyways I like the image of Ash cutting up Osama with a chainsaw. It would make a great recruitment video.

Hail to the king baby.

- Kilt Man

Political office (and ass-kicking) are about endurance. And all the experience lies with the businessduck Scrooge. Let's face it, the only difference between business and politics is the method of keeping score - money vs. votes.

Hey ... Grudge Match idea!

- Galahad

The way I see it, Stewie can't lose. He's got the brains, the technology, the fighting ability, and the drive that is needed when faced with multiple opponents.

Droopy, he may be able to kick ass when he says some stupid line, but my prediction is that he will be vaporized by either Stewie, Marvin, or C. Caveman. He'll be there for about two seconds, and be able to make out "I think you're making me-augh!"

The Duck, what can the duck do? Whose bright idea was it to even include him? Can he even do anything? He's an elderly DUCK with some cash! What's he going to do? Smack people in the head with a sack full of 100 dollar bills? Or is he going to call his nephews up to help him out? Does he think that three DUCKLINGS will take down Stewie, Marvin, Ash, Izzy, Ted, that waitress girl, and C. Caveman? I think not.

Marvin, I think, is Stewie's only real competition. They both have the high tech weaponry, but there is one crucial difference between them. Marvin is a complete moron. He can get bamboozled by even the likes of Daffy Duck. Marvin better hope that helmet will give him some protection from the awesome power that is Stewie Griffin.

What's with this Izzy guy? I'm all for Canada, but come on. He's a guitarist. He won't last half a minute. He can smash his guitar on somebody once, and then he's weaponless.

This Ted guy. I'm not even going to go into him. He's a lost cause. His battle plan is probably hiding in the corner, hoping everyone will accidentally fall of the edge. We're dealing with sharks, remember?

Captain Caveman is just Cousin Itt with a club. The club in question will, without a doubt, be toasted by a flame thrower belonging to Stewie. Caveman may be able to pull stuff out of his hair, but once the hair is burned up by the flames, all his stuff will fall out. Besides, he's a classic character. He's very old. He's lost all his hair. Another thing, anything he may pull out from his hair is no match for what Stewie will pull out of his overalls.

This waitress girl is tough, no doubt about that, but this is a fight to the death. She could give every one beer until they get drunk, but Stewie's too young for that stuff.

Patton, He don't have his army, do he? He'll probably trip over Stewie, then the baby will have his day.

Ash. That's exactly what he'll be once Stewie's done with him. He's got a chainsaw. That's a sharpened stick compared to Stewie's weapons. He's got a boomstick. Stewie's mastered time travel and how to shrink himself. I'm pretty sure he can make a bullet proof vest for himself.

Stuart Gilligan Griffin cannot lose. He's taken down full grown men easily. All he'll need is grenades, mace, and a packet full of Cheerios.

- Old Yippie

Fact: Bruce Campbell played Senior Citizen Elvis, who along with a crazy black man who thought he was senior citizen JFK, took down a Redneck Mummy known only as the dread Bubba-Hotep, Texan Undead Master of the Retirement Home.

He was in his seventies, along with a whacko Ex-president Wannabe, going up against A SOUL SUCKING UNDEAD. No Shotgun, no chainsaw, he had a frigging gasoline sprayer, using crappy ass "magic incantation", a lighter, a walker, his bare hands, and his rapier wit. And a Sequined Suit.

Bruce Campbell, as Elvis as Sebastian Haff defeated this guy WITH HIS BARE HANDS WHILST IN HIS SEVENTIES... the only advantage he had was quite probably the coolest Comic Relief Sidekick of all time... but even THAT advantage was lacking against this undead fiend.

Patton has twin pearl handled pistols, badassery and an attitude. He's outclassed.

Stewie has rayguns, managed a time machine once, but never again. He gets Spanked. Hard.

Whatsername the waitress has Canadian bacon and a rifle, whoop-dee- frigging-doo.

Ted McGinly has the power to sink ANY series. Impressive, but certainly failed against Married with Children. He wields not the strength.

Scrooge McDuck, Launchpad, Gizmoduck, Huey Duey and Luey, though proficient against a wide variety of dead, undead, magic and technology, have not the staying power or the coolness of our hero. They are as a team, jacks of all trades but masters of none. And unfortunately, Ash has mastered ALL of them. Case in point: BIONIC FRIGGING HAND. And he beats out Scrooge with Dread Senior Citizen Elvis.

The Dread Captain Caveman..... dude, I'm not even going to put him IN this discussion. He's out.

A frigging guitarist? Yes, he has the power of ROCK, fine, the ability to Rock may even outclass the Eye of the Tiger...but to Misquote Jack Black: "To Rock Hardcore you gotta live hard core, to rock hard core you gotta live hard core, and the Legend of Ash Williams/Sebastian Haff/Elvis/Annoying Theatre Guy was WAY HAAARD CORRRRE!"

Finally, Marvin the Martian. He's Marvin the Frigging Martian. He can barely fight Duck Dodgers to a draw. A DRAW. He regularly gets beaten BADLY by Der Uber-Bunny. There's no shame in that...but Duck Dodgers ain't in ANY of these guys league, and Ash's gun doesn't disintigrate the second you pull the trigger.

Droopy though....... NOW we have a contender. Right when Droopy notes, in dull monotone, that something has made him angry, be he policeman or be he civilian... our commentators have already said it, and he has NEVER lost...... however, they've never actually SHOWN him being hurt or shot. It goes against the nature of his cartoon. If Ash gets first shot, it goes to quite the legendary asskicker. If Ash does not shoot Droopy fast though, it will be a dangerous situation indeed.

Any Questions?


Do you know who really needs to be here? Dr. Victor Von Doom. He could beat these clowns with a tissue. A used tissue.

However, if you cannot have Doom, you go with the next best thing. Stewie is certainly not Doom, but he is a child that Doom would be proud to have. And if you are Doom's kid, you don't lose. Period.

- AniX


(leaves room, grabs shot glass and whiskey, returns)

(Drinks shot)

Okay, okay...common thread...find a common thread...

(pauses, collects thoughts)

(ignores shot glass, goes straight to bottle)

(continues to collect thoughts)

Screw it. Ash wins.

- Tracer Malone (being 21 rules)

Ash takes this one faster than Speedy Gonzales after it lit a fart.

Why? Simple. Look at the rest of the characters. Marvin gets his ass regularly handed to him.

Scrooge is about as effective as Lance Ito and has to rely on his nephews, and they ain't in the ring with him.

Droopy may have a near-Bugs Bunny effect of the laws of physics, but since the deadites break all laws of physics by the very nature of their beings (a skeleton breaking fire with no ignition or fuel source?); then fall Droopy.

Izzy somehow managed to get kicked out of Guns n Roses... did he forget to return one of Slash's Tupperware bowls or something? How do you manage that--if you suck so hard that even Guns n Roses doesn't want you, you shouldn't step into the ring. Bye-bye Izzy.

My knowledge of Ted McGinley is relegated to his picture, and he looks like someone that would be a subsitute Gameshow Host for Guy Smiley or Wink Martendale. He's not even at the level of Richard Dawson or Bob Barker. Sorry, he's gone.

Captain Caveman...he was as lame as the Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm show-- which means "Lamer than Breast-reduction surgery" (chorus of my fellow Seattle metalhads chanting "LAME! LAME! LAME! LAME!). He sees the working end of a chainsaw, which shaves his Robin Williams- like furry coat real close to the bones-like. Ash gets a new horse- blanket.

Carla's associated with Diane Chambers. Grudge Match precedent. She's toast.

Stewie is trampled. You think that diabolical genius is able to help you in a steel-cage free-for-all when you've got a diminutive stature? My money would be better spent on betting for Barry Horowitz winning a match.

Patton is the only one with the insane way of thinking to even think of matching Ash, but you forget, Patton's choice armament is the venerated .45 ACP 1911 pistol. Ash's is a 12-gauge double-barreled Remington (S-Mart's top-of-the-line). Anyone that has ever played Doom, DoomII, or Doom3 will tell you that the pistol sucks and the shotgun is the best thing to use to take care of living, dead, or hellspawn.

So, how else can we say this besides the cliche that this match will have for over 61% of it's responses:

Good, Bad, Ash is the one with the (better) gun.

- Keeper Of The Light (All new and improved, (c)2005)

"Okay," Mr. Rumsfeld concludes. "These applicants will be airlifted into a wrestling-style ring. The ring will be surrounded by a moat filled with sharks. The ring and moat will be encased by a steel cage. Once there is only one applicant left, the cage will be lifted. At that time, the final applicant will be allowed to jump the moat and cross the finish line, and will be named Secretary of Ass Kicking. To the chopper!"

The Chopper unloaded the contestants, and the steel cage was lowered. Patton dropped into the prone position, drawing his sidearm simultaneously, and firing with military precision. The gun popped, sending a bullet through Ted McGinley's grinning face, and a second through Izzy Stradlin. A third shot was narrowly avoided by Ash Williams, who raised his shotgun and blasted Patton. Meanwhile, Carla Tortelli exclaimed "That thing looks like my ex-husband", and took a running jump, tackling Captain Caveman's head and making him swing his club wildly.

Amid the chaos, Droopy Dog stood, watching. He noticed Marvin The Martian, who stood looking at his watch and tapping his white sneaker. Droopy moseyed on over and asked "Are you waiting for something?"

"Yes, Earth-Creature," Marvin replied. "I am waiting for transportation."

"You know that we can't leave the cage," Droopy commented. Marvin's response was drowned out by a horrifying sound that nearly destroyed Droopy's sensitive, Bloodhound's Ears. Scrooge McDuck was playing the bagpipes, as Causing Ash and Captain Caveman to pause as they went at it Club and Chainsaw, inches from Carla's unconscious body. Overhead,a flying saucer arrived, and a flexible tube dropped between the bars of the cage. Marvin disappeared with a splung, and a Martian shaped bulge eased between the bars and up into the spacecraft, which sped away from the planet, halting with the sound of screeching tires a safe distance from the Earth.

"Thank you, my faithful companion", Marvin said to the robotic dog that worked the controls as he stood on the bridge, straitening his helmet. "Now I must take aim, and insert the PU-36 Explosive space modulator," Marvin commented, fumbling in his pockets. He held the cylindrical part up with satisfaction, and slid it into place. Then he raised his index finger and pushed the red button on the console in front of him. The Earth exploded, winning the match for Marvin, and solving the Terrorist problem once and for all.

- I. Phil Kuntz

Ash Williams uses the Necronomicron, which can be used to summon the Elder Gods of Lovecroft lore. With unspeakable horrors from alternate dimensions on his side, he can easily beat the other seven competitors before you can say Cthulnyalyogsoth.

- Darth Nerdspringer

Carla Tortelli can find pleasure in a prone and willing Danny Devito. Can she endure pain? I'd say she's actually overdoing it.

- Briguy

Sadly, we have to make two cuts right off. Carla will be out when she suddenly goes into labour 10 minutes before the battle begins, and gets Sam and Woody to drive her to the hospital the wrong way through rush hour traffic. Guest-starring Ed Asner as the traffic cop. Scrooge is out when he gets an emergency call, regarding his First Dime being stolen by a South American cult, necessitating another adventure into an ancient temple. Third time this month. Launchpad airlifts him away.

The remaining eight characters hit the cage and mix it up immediately. Izzy's the first out. All those drugs have likely made him paranoid to the max, and a dog that talks like Carol Channing is going to send him over the deep end. Izzy roars out on his Harley, and spends the next week finding Droopy popping up in impossible places until he loses his mind and checks himself into the Keith Moon Clinic. However, leaving the ring necessitates a forfeit on Droopy's part as well. Stewie starts talking smack to Capt. Caveman, but Cavey's had to raise a bratty kid of his own, and thus has no qualms about sending Stewie to a permanent nap with a Gallagher-like smash to his melon-shaped head. Hey, it's more humane than the hot water treatment. Ted tries to sabotage Ash, but c'mon. After being a regular on Xena and appearing on crap like "Jack of All Trades", Bruce Campbell has jumped more sharks than Ted can count. Ash chainsaws Teddy's prized mullet off and then tosses him out of the ring, dooming him to an eternity of "Hope and Faith" reruns. Patton and Marvin square off. Both have capacity for organized mayhem, but Marvin never loses his cool, so it's only a matter of time before Patton's neuroses take over and he starts trying to duel with a rubber chicken or something. Army man gets zapped like an extra from Mars Attacks. Three remain. Capt. Caveman has a moment of gross self- realization when he sees Marvin and realizes that he is nothing more than a cheaply-made low-cel television toon in comparison. "Unga bunga. Me pathetic." Cavey sighs, clubbing himself over the head and out of the match.

As Marvin and Ash size each other up, the officials have a moment of contemplation. Would you let anybody from "McHale's Navy" in charge of something that big? That's just scary. Marvin, on the other hand, is a technological genius and yet is monomaniacal enough to be manipulated easily. Plus, he has enough ordnance to make Granada look like a picnic AND he's named after the Roman god of war. Perfect! The fix in, the officials toss a massive 'toon magnet into the ring, leaving Ash's chainsaw, gun and bionic hand stuck and helpless while Marvin's disintegrator blows him into a series of tough-talking, large-chinned molecules. Ash's last words are "I ain't that good..."

Three months later Marvin has won accolades for blasting several thousand terrorists into oblivion. His only controversial move is miniaturizing Dick Cheney and putting him in a specimen jar for offhandedly referring to him as a "funny-hatted skirt-wearing sissy" during a press conference, and a slight misfire on the old space modulator. But, as President Bush points out in a national address, nobody really misses Iowa anyway. ("That's in Japan, right?" he whispers to an aide)

- Oxymoron - Isn't that simply delightful?

Good. Bad. Ash is the guy with the gun.

- Kairo

I predect that just as the fight is getting good Ted McGinley will enter the fray, at which point things will start to die down before the fight is finally called off for no reason and the Secretary of Ass Kicking position given to the Fonz, who will celebrate his appointment by jumping over 20 sharks on a rocket-powered jetski.

- Don "King" Milliken, who thinks the War On Terrorism had jumped the shark and should just be cancelled already. The Vietnam War, now THERE was a tv show!

Joseph E. Kernan
Governor of Indiana
Statehouse Room 206
200 W. Washington St
Indianapolis, IN 46204

30 December 2004


Greetings to you. I recently came across your wonderful web site on the recommendation of one of my advisors. It certainly fits the bill of a humorous web site. I greatly enjoyed the read.

This letter is in regards to a comment made by one of the pages wonderful contributors: Steve. Steve mentioned one Izzy Stradlin as being "canadian" [sic]. I proudly inform you that Indiana is not located in Canada and hasn't been for several years now. In fact, we've been in the America's heartland for as long as I can remember. (Unfortunately, that's more time than I care to mention.)

While some musicians from Indiana (Mick Mars, Axl Rose, the late Shannon Hoon) have given us a black eye or two, Mr. Stradlin is one of the good ones. Perhaps second only to John Cougar Mellencamp. I am certain that Mayor Tony Roswarski would agree with me when I say that Izzy Stradlin is a citizen of pride in Lafayette. I know I very much enjoy Mr. Stradlin's music.

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to correct this oversight. May all at have a joyous and successful 2005.

Warmest regards,

Governor Joe Kernan

- Mark Wentz

The hell with Carla, if you wanted a pissed off bitchy Italian- American woman to use in this fight I would have gladly sent you my mother-in-law.

Ash wins.

- The Steve

The final tally comes up and it is shockingly revealed as a farce when all of the characters portrayed are realized to be actual cabinet members! Now we must look at who represents who and who has the most commie-stoppin', terrorist raping powers!

Scrooge McDuck: Unsurprizingly, he's good ole Dick. His penchant of obscene wealth and incomprehensible outbursts makes him easily recognizable. Unfortunatley, he explodes a little too often and is a little too understandable to be the SecAssKick.

Marvin the Martian: He's our mutual friend and token resistance to the " Rape of America " plan to search for oil, gold, and... uh, freedom!: EPA man Micheal O. Leavitt. And you know that when kicking ass, several virgin forests or tropical jungles are bound to be destroyed when the terrorist bases engage their self-destruct, effectively neutralizing Marvin.

Izzy Stradlin: A retired or simply permanently hammered rocker, he amazingly enough has no match in the cabinet and is never heard of again after being appointed Ambassador to Colombia. An easy out, from whoever arranged it...

Ted McGinley: With all of his air and face time, he enjoys the public eye and is clearly Karl Rove. But he doesn't last long, simply because his alter-ego looks like a Bond villain with that slicked back hair, fat chin, and mind control abilities, and is destroyed when Marvin's aforementioned terrorist bases explode with him inside.

Carla:Predictably, she is Condi Lee Rice. She is nasty and cruel,and on a fast track to power (we all know she was after the main bartending job) and both have had scandals, Condi Lee with her illegal maid and Carla being the distributor for Granny Clampett's moonshine business in the 20's. When this new scandal comes to light, she is gone and gathers with Rove/McGinley on the Island Lair (tm).

Patton: He's Donald Rumsfeld! Although wishing to declare war on whatever small country or Muslim gets in his way, he isn't a doer. Crazed declarations of war on Andorra or Micronesia, or the patented Drunken Old Man approach to foreign policy, he has to be cool and collected to be cool enough to be SecAssKick, something he lacks.

Stewie: He's a strange blend of Ashcroft and Tom Ridge. He makes megalomaniacal plans to take over the world and then has the power to implement them. But in a character examination, thousands of Trekkies swarm over him and dismember him after they learn he is responsible for the death of Shatner(tm).

Ash: Bruce Campbell will never cease to be funny, but surprisingly (or not) he is chosen to be the Secretary of Education. His success can be attributed to the job well done of giving it to Texas education and many other places up the butt. But this time college students meekly take merely because he is Campbell. As a result, he is never allowed to leave the post.

Which leaves us with Droopy. The unperturbed grin. The quiet rage. The success with beautiful women. He's Colin Powell. He's calm enough and definitley cool enough to smite our enemies. The following scene in the U.N. occurs when America is accused of imperialism and some other stuff. It begins when Kofi Anan censures the U.S. If you've seen a Droopy cartoon you know how it ends. If not, then let me enlighten you. Kofi Anan flushes himself down an airplane toilet and fall to his doom, since he is not the Wolf(tm). Droopy all of the way.

- Wendell ( Go get civilized, those of you who answerd no!)

As much as the "expert" commentators would like you to believe that skill, strength, or the rage(TM) will decide this match, fighting prowess would have little to do with the outcome. The battlefield is the size of a standard wrestling ring, which is what, 20 feet by 20 feet? This is a battle royal, and as anyone who has seen a battle royal can attest to, once the bell rings it's total chaos. There is no way anybody could work a strategy in the crowded flailing of limbs and flesh (based on his experience with make-up and frequent gay-club visits, Stewie would probably enjoy himself).

No, this match comes down to one thing: luck (TM). This sigularly importent attribute falls soley in the favor of Scrooge McDuck. As proud owner of his lucky dime (TM). So much of his success does he credit to this coin that he has a special holiday set asside just for polishing it. Sorceresses spend their lives trying to steal it. So lucky is Scrooge because of this dime, there is no way any of the other contestents have a prayer.

And of course, name one competitor that won't take Scrooges massive bribes. He's in a position to be a high ranking government official aka Director of Sitting Back And Collecting Pork. A few billion dollars in bribes would be considered... investments.

- Sam "Never Underestimate a Man in a Dress in a Grudgmatch on the Internet" Dunham

Hmmm. I guess the victor will be Captain Caveman. What? Oh, right. Reasoning.

OK. Captain Caveman is a Hanna-Barbera cartoon. When he walks around, everyone in the background is relegated to standing perfectly still and not moving. So he walks around, club, club, club, club, club, club, club, club, club. Easy.

- The Lady Seahorse (Oxymoron's ex)

Lets look at the facts here. Ash kicks ass on all Evil Dead. Meaning, if it is Evil, or Dead, or both, Ash will kick ass.

Droopy the Dog: Anyone that can channel that much Rage(tm) and stay that calm is evil EVIL
Scrooge McDuck: Very rich and Money=Root of all evil EVIL
Marvin the Martian: Wants to destroy Earth and Bugs Bunny EVIL
Izzy Stradlin: Satan worshipping rock star EVIL
Ted McGinley: Does anyone dispute the fact that his career is dead? DEAD
Carla Tortelli: See above DEAD
Captain Caveman: Looks like roadkill drowned rat DEAD
General George S. Patton: Deceased DEAD
Stewie Griffin: Hates his Mommy EVIL

As you can see, Ash is up against a group of Evil and/or Dead opponents, and no one can dispute his Evil Dead Kick Ass Ability

- Hermit Boy

Man, this is one strange assortment of contestants here on the Grudge- Match. You would almost think it was the BCS committee that was picking them out of a hat. (Come on, those bums put Pitt in a bowl with Utah. ZZZZZzzzzzz!!) At least you guys sort out your Champions on the field of combat, and are not selected in a smoke filled room somewhere. (What about a darken room cluttered with stale cheetoes and pop cans? eh, I digress.) Anyways, here is a rather scary thought, if you guys did run things around here a lot more like how the BCS does things. And now, without further ado, I give you, the Grudge-Match BCS™.

Let's pick out our Matches here in our GM Bowl Playoffs. First off, we will have the Rose, Fiesta, Sugar and Orange Bowls, and I'm going add in a Fifth bowl to keep everybody happy here somewhat. We'll throw in the Outback Bowl as well.

The Outback Bowl: How about we put Patton, [Navy], (I know Patton's an Army man, but work with me here!) up against Izzy Stradlin[Cal]. (Cal=Canada eh, close enough.) Izzy will cry about how he should be in the Rose bowl and will proceed to get smacked around by Patton, and all the troops will have something to cheer about while waiting for the next suicide bomber in Iraq there.

The Rose Bowl: This one would feature two highly powered contestants here. Marvin the Martian as Michigan while Stewie Griffin will be Texas. This one game will live up to the hype as both contestants go blow for blow in a high stakes shoot out that won't be over until the end of the game. Just when Marvin thinks he's pulled out ahead for the win, Stewie will come back to win it in the closing seconds. After the game, Stewie will sing the praises of Marvin, for he has finally found a worthy adversary. Most will say that this was perhaps the best pure match of the Grudge-Match BCS™.

The Fiesta Bowl: Captain Caveman [Utah] up against Ted McGinley [Pitt]. Turn in early because this one is a yawner. The pretty boy Ted has no business going up against the Caveman, and frankly, there was probably a better orphan out there to take his place, (Tyler Durden, Axel Foley, or Curly from City Slickers perhaps?) but he did win his conference, and managed to sneak in here with that Automatic birth.

The Sugar Bowl: Carla Tortelli[Auburn] takes on Scrooge McDuck [Virginia Tech]. Carla does what she needs to do to take care of the richest Duck in the world, but not all that convincingly, as McDuck never seemed to give up hope and Carla never seemed to be able to put them away. Will this win be enough to convince the voters to give them a share of the title?

The Orange Bowl: Ash Williams[USC] takes on Droopy[Oklahoma]. On paper, this looks like it could be Droopy's night, for he is a cartoon and he can defy all laws of physics and probability. Indestructible, he's everywhere and nowhere, infinite strength, and leaving a path of destruction in his wake. However, he just doesn't seem to have an answer for Ash tonight, and gets taken outback behind the woodshed and spanked, leaving Carla supporters wondering what would have happen if they had been picked to be in the Championship Match instead of Droopy. In the end, for better or worse, Ash wins the Grudge-Match BCS title. Hail to the King baby!!

PS. - Carla[Auburn] got screwed!!!

- BIGMRG74 -- Screw the bowls, and get on with a playoffs, its not about the kids, its about all that stinking money those jackasses make.

Yeah... people with chainsaws have a tendency of getting what they want.

- Wolverine

Unfortunately for all contestants, George W himself didn't know in advance who was competing for this position, having maintained his universal policy of blank ignorance. As a result, when he sits down in his front-row seat and sees the contenders coming out onto the field, he almost has an apoplectic fit.

"Who the Sam Hill let a terrorist into this here bloodbath?" he demands of the nearest secret service officer.
"A terrorist? I'm sorry, which one?"
"That one there!"
"Uh. I'm pretty sure that's not-"
"Of course it is! Look at him, no shoes, big ol' beard, crazy look in his eye, and goddamn if he hasn't got hisself a club of mass destruction! Arrest him at once!"
"Yes Mr President..." The secret service man mumbles into his lapel, but before he can finish, W is percolating again.
"And what about that little guy? What's that he's wearing?"
"I'm not sure. Looks like a centurion's outfit, with sneakers."
"A cen-whation?"
"Sort of like a general from ancient Rome."
"What? You let someone in wearin' foreign army clothes? I'll bet you dollars to donuts he just stepped off the first boat from Iran!"
"Iran, sir?"
"Sure, Iran. Ain't that the one we blew up?"
"That's Iraq, Mr President."
"Well, whatever, you can't even see his face. Arrest him too. And the fella in the Sherman tank!"
"Uh, that's General Patton. He's one of the most iconic figures in the history of the US army."
"I don't know what 'iconic' means, but any fool can see that's another terrorist. He's got a big crushing death machine, and everyone knows Iran has all the real bad weapons!"
"Iraq, and that's a Sherman tank, it's American made and-"
"And why's that fella with the guitar covering his eyes up with them sunglasses? What's he got to hide, huh? Wait a minute - you see that white powder under his nose? ANTHRAX! HE'LL KILL US ALL! NEUTRALISE HIM, NOW!"

As Izzy Stradlin is firebombed, W inquires as to the name of the peppy little brunette.
"That's Carla Tortelli, a-"
"Tortelli? That ain't no American name!"
"No, it's Italian-"
"Just as I thought, another foreigner! Arrest her! And arrest that other fella there, the one with the shifty accent."
"That's a Scottish accent-"

"Oh, everyone knows the Scottish dictator has been secretly funding Al Qaeda for years. And arrest that little dog, it looks depressed. Like it knows somethin' bad's about to happen. What does he know that we don't, huh? And arrest that guy with the chainsaw!"

"What's wrong with him?"
"Nothin' I can see, but look at the company he keeps. What does it say about a fella that you catch him in a wrestling ring with a bunch of terrorists?"
"Actually, he was just about to fight them all to the death-"
"And him! Get him!"
"What? Ted McGinley? Okay, you've got to be kidding me. He's the most clean-cut, smiling, All-American hunk of middle-class white suburban Republican beef we have. You're saying he's a terrorist?"

"Of course, he's too perfect! That's the way these Iranians work, they could be anyone. They could be you, they could be me, they could be the little old lady down at the post office, they could be a little baby-" He shrieks when he sees in the ring an infant toting a rocket launcher. "THERE! WHAT'D I TELL YA? ARREST THAT TERRORIST!"

"Mr President, you can't arrest a one-year-old boy."
"Are you questioning my orders? You're a terrorist too! Arrest yourself!"
"What's that I hear? Are people booin'?"
"Well, they came to see a fight, and you've arrested all the fighters, so-"

"They're booin' the President of the United States of America? Arrest them! Take them all in for questioning, they're all terrorists! Terrorists everywhere! Terrorists and Muslims and Iranian spies! Aaaahhh!"

It goes without saying that nobody wins in this situation.

- Flag and Hat Boy

Gotta be Ted McGinley in a landslide.

I mean, really, when has he ever FAILED to destroy something he was involved with?

Hmmmm.....we can use this power to our advantage...Someone tell Bush and Rice that they need to use Teddy as a spy within the terrorist organizations...he'll bring them all down in a matter of days just by sitting there and doing nothing.

- Jeff Mop

As they leave Grudge-Match Central for the last time, Brian turns and points to Steve's shirt: "The second button literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it. It's too high. It's in no-man's land. You look like you live with your mother."

Then Steve wakes up and discover it was all just a dream. Brian is standing in the shower. And it is still 1995.

- Dr. Stones


Brian and Steve, you magnificent bastards, I bought your book.

- Rabbi Jesus--if this isn't deserving of the last word, I don't know what is.

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Second Chance Tournament
Battle of the Seven Deadly Sins

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Next Match: Jumping the shark™
ETA: January 31st, 2005

© 2004, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC