R.M.S. Titanic, immense yet graceful, knifes effortlessly through the waters of the North Atlantic. The crème de la crème of high society majestically walk her decks -- and stare in shock as a trio of scruffy, shifty fellows scamper through their midst.
"I think we've shaken the boat dicks," the lead fellow says, a cigar clamped between his fingers. "The nerve of those fellows, thinking just because they built this ship that we should pay them to come aboard."
"You got-a that right, boss," the second one says in a vaguely Italian accent. "With all those tickets cost, they better be showing at least a double-feature." His curly-blond sidekick concurs with a hearty honk.
"Well, time to duck into our accommodations, before they duck us in the Atlantic." He lopes in a long-legged crouch to the nearest lifeboat, and throws back the cover.
Already inside are three other stowaways, snoring in three-part harmony. The middle one mutters "Spread out" in his sleep, and shoves the other two aside, catching the bald one with an elbow in the nostril. The victim briefly wakes up, then closes his eyes -- and opens them again.
"Hey, Moe! Hey, Larry! Wake up! We got interlopers!"
"Whaddya talkin' about, Stubble-brain? There ain't no antelopes on dis ship." He slaps the bald one, then finally sees the intruders. "Hey, you! Can't you guys read?" He points to a crudely painted sign hanging from the stanchion reading 'No Vacancy'.
"No vacancy except in-a you heads. Ha ha!"
"Yes, why don't you three just swim home?" He points with his cigar. "You can use him as a flotation device."
"Hey, I resemble that remark! R-r-ruff! Ruff!"
"Yeah, we was here first," his balding companion says, "so go paint yourself a new mustache."
Before the insulted party can toss aside his cigar and roll up his sleeves, a shout of "There they are!" sends them all fleeing for safety. Whatever future mayhem ensues, one thing is clear: this boat isn't big enough for the six of them.
So, Paul, which clique of classic cut-ups will coldcock the competition and claim the contested contingency craft?
PAUL: The Marx Brothers better hope that they are making "A Night in the Belly of a Whale" because otherwise they are swimming home.
It all comes down to Leonardo DiCaprio. Since Zeppo isn't anywhere to be found, the Marx Brothers need a romantic lead and just guess who that's going to be. Yes, we are all get to suffer through another THREE PLUS HOURS of this brat courting Kate Winslet and whining about not being nominated for an Academy Award. Even worse, it's possible he could survive and make a SEQUEL, which will effectively collapse the worldwide economy as teenage girls everywhere spend 53% of the world's GDP on movie tickets and related merchandise. They need to lose. Now if the Stooges stay on board, you just know that a Stooges/Doofus confrontation over the affections of Miss Titanic will result in a quick exit for the teen idol. Wouldn't you like to see a tarred and feathered Leonardo, complete in a woman's dress and a pie the face, become a human Popsicle ten minutes into the movie? And more importantly, wouldn't all the men out there like a shot at a now available Kate Winslet? I think the answer is clear.
And even without this righteous motivation, I think it is pretty obvious who has the upperhand when it comes to physical confrontation. Larry, Moe and Curly are the masters of Slapstick, the ultimate comedic martial art. Their patented Eye Gouge, Hair Pull and Bonk to the Head are such awesome weapons of mass destruction, they have been banned by all sports except professional wrestling, the ultimate in sports entertainment. I doubt Groucho would last very long against Hulk Hogan, much less the masters. The Stooges have also proven indestructible having survived German Torpedoes at point blank range, not to mention infinite numbers of other disasters. And that doesn't even consider the whacked out maniac Curly can become when he gets riled up. His pre-devastation antics alone should convince the Marx Bros that they would be better off taking on the North Atlantic.
The Stooges faster than you can say "Woo! Woo! Woo!"
SHANE: Actually, Paul, it's "Woob! Woob! Woob!" I'm not upset, though: you got everything else wrong, too.
Professional wrestlers, superior to the Marx Brothers? Why, don't you remember that Groucho was once President of Freedonia, Land of the Brave and Free? All wrestling's managed to produce is one lousy governor. I don't think Jesse "The Body Politic" Ventura's National Guard would be any match for the military might behind Rufus T. Firefly, who managed to win a war despite being sung at by Margaret Dumont. Now that's a weapon of mass destruction.
Your DiCaprio argument is marginally less feeble, but it's uncreative, too beholden to blunt force. We don't just want Baby-face hurt, we want him to suffer, and we want to watch. Fortunately, Groucho Marx's acid tongue is the single most painful weapon on Earth(even beating Dumont's aforementioned singing). A few of his patented insults, and Leonardo will be crying like a girl. Hm, come to think of it -- soft, unblemished face; silky-smooth hair, not a strand of which ever sprouted from his chin -- DiCaprio may actually be a girl. (Anyone who's seen Heavenly Creatures knows Kate Winslet won't mind the difference.) This public exposure should cause 'him' enough suffering to satisfy anybody, but if you still want violence, I'm sure Harpo can pull a big mallet out of his raincoat--he's got everything in there--and give Lachrymose Leo the coup de grace.
And finally, the advantage no amount of artificially-enhanced slaps can overcome: intelligence. The Marxes are masters of punning and other verbal badinage, the signs of quick, keen minds, able to hold their own against any opponent. The Stooges... well, remember Curly caging himself in his own plumbing? Groucho and company will arrange a replay, this time replacing a leaky faucet with that inconvenient gash in the ship's hull. While the Stooges are bailing the Titanic out with kitchen utensils, the Marx Brothers will be cruising off in their lifeboat, with Harpo making out with Kate in the stern. (She always was a sucker for blondes.)
PAUL: "Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me." Everyone past the age of seven knows it, with the apparent exception of you and the Marx Brothers. But no matter, they can insult away to their heart's content. They will only manage to get Curly riled up, which is like waving a red flag in front of a bull. Let's see how effective those one liners sound with no teeth.
And there is no way Harpo is hooking up with Kate. Harpo is basically the first great prop comic and thus the inspiration of such monumental irritations as Gallagher and *gasp* Carrot Top. Did we really need Chairman of the Board to defile the silver screen? Once Kate realizes this, she will throw the bum overboard herself. But do not worry. The Stooges won't leave a heartbroken Leonardo around to boo-hoo about how he is going to call his agent since Groucho hurt his feelings. Fortunately, boy wonder will make an excellent makeshift raft as the Marxes paddle their way to their new home in Nuuk, Greenland. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, indeed!
SHANE: Laugh it up, Porcupine. Just make sure Larry has his violin: he'll need it to play along with "Nearer My God To Thee" before this is over.
How dare you claim that Harpo is morally culpable for the numbskulls who followed in his footsteps? Do we blame John Belushi or Gilda Radner for the sorry state Saturday Night Live is in today? Do we blame Alfred Hitchcock for that pointless Psycho remake? No, I say. NO! Harpo was the first, and the best, and anyone who says different will get handed Harpo's leg, and subsequently his own butt on a platter!
You'll wish you hadn't gotten me mad, Paul, 'cause now I'm gonna use the Secret Weapon: the Mandatory Movie Endings. How does a Marx Brothers film always finish? With victory: the kidnappers thwarted, the opera a smash, the war won. How does a Three Stooges short always end? With those knuckleheads blown to smithereens, or chased down the street by a mob, or devoured by lions, or just slapping each other silly. This one should end with the Stooges paddling an ice floe into the distance, while Groucho and company appraise the value of this lovely necklace someone lost in all the confusion.
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The event was poorly attended, however. Everybody else was in the Marx Brothers' stateroom.
- Brian C. Strock, esq
That's just one of the sacrifices we at Ground Zero gladly make for our public. Okay, not too gladly. -- Eds.
And who do we have on the bench. Well, the Stooges have..ahem...Shemp. With no disrespect meant to Shemp (Whose real name was Marv Shempowitz, really!) the guy was a flop. But in a bad way, not the funny stooge flop way. People the world over tune in to see the Stooges and are always disappointed when Shemp makes an appearance. If I had a nickel for every time I heard "Ah damn, it's a Shemp", I might be able to move out of my parent's basement. Clearly, the Stooges can't expect much help from the bench, so to speak, in their battle to acquire a lifeboat.
The Marxes, on the other hand, have a secret weapon. A little-known brother named Karl. And because this prediction was inspired by the labour problems in the NBA, the Prince of Proletariat, and the Brigand of Bourgeosie must put in an appearance as an honorary Marx Brother. He's had TV experience anyway; he came fairly close to winning a lovely dinette set on a British Game Show (he missed the final question: Who won the Cup Final in 1964?)
In any even, our man Karl will certainly be in his element on board the Titanic. When I wasn't impatiently waiting for Kate Winslet to get nekkid (TM), I noticed that Titanic had a none-too-subtle theme of class against class. By the time the villain was chucking poor old ladies overboard, I screamed at the screen "We get it already! The guy's a rich a**hole!" In any event, who knows more about class struggles than Karl Marx? (That was the question he got on that gameshow, incidentally: Q. A struggle of class against class is a *what* struggle? A: Er, political struggle.)
So, Karl will help his namesakes incite violence to the stooges, who he will claim are actually rich eccentrics from the upper echelon of society. Whereupon, several piss drunk minorites will tear the Stooges limb from limb. Shemp will be spared, but the Stooge comedy machine will be forever disabled. Bonk n' Slap comedy (TM) just doesn't work when it's a severed arm trying to do the bonking. Mind you, I'd think it was pretty damn funny.
Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk
- 1/2 Nelson
We must point out that Shemp's real name is Samuel Howard, brother of Curly and Moe. But if you took that many blows to the head, you'd forget your name too. -- Eds.
MOE: You call for some plumbers?
CHICO: No, we-a-no call for plumbers.
CURLY: That's okay. We're not plumbers, anyway!
(Moe runs a hacksaw across Curly's skull)
CURLY: WHOA!, Oh, look!
(The hacksaw blade is ruined. Groucho grabs the blade from Moe.)
GROUCHO: Say, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, ruining a perfectly good
hacksaw like that. Now, why don't you boys get to work?
LARRY: But nothing'st broken!
GROUCHO: Don't worry, that won't last.
CHICO: Hey, boss! You think-a maybe they need some help?
(Harpo nods yes enthusiastically)
GROUCHO: Yes, and for agreeing with you, I think maybe I might need help.
LARRY(TO CHICO): You can help me. You know anything about water mains?
CHICO: Sure, I know-a all about waterma'ns. You just gotta spit out the seeds while you eat 'em.
LARRY (TO MOE): Now there's a guy with with some brains in his head!
MOE: How would you know?
(Moegrabs the hacksaw back from Groucho and konks Larry with the it)
GROUCHO: What have you got against that hacksaw, anyway?
MOE: Well, we're not gonna get nothin' done les' we get some more tools!
(Groucho motions towards Harpo.)
GROUCHO: You kidding? My associate here is like Sears & Roebuck with a bad haircut!
(Harpo opens his jacket, and a pile of tools come tumbling out.)
MOE: Oh, Boy! Super service!
(Curly looks at the pile in frustration)
CURLY (TO HARPO): This ain't no good! We need something to unclog those pipes!
(Harpo nods knowingly and produces a stick of TNT much to Curly's delight)
CURLY: Now, that's more like it! Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk!
(They all start working on the pipes except Groucho, who turns to the audience and wags his eyebrows.)
GROUCHO: This oughta be good.
- Tom Harrington
- Nick Zachariasen
They will have some delays though, they will first have Curly pitch Leonardo DiCaprio overboard to see if ego floats (it doesn't, but does seem to be attractive to sharks). But when they attempt to do so with Kate Winslet, all six men will unfortunately suffer double hernias while throwing her overboard (which will cause massive destruction to coastal regions around the world because of the amount of water displaced).
Nothing will daunt them however from their task and all comedy in the late ninties will change, hundreds of stand-ups will die, fatalities will include Jerry Seinfeld (good or bad depending on your outlook), Pauly Shore (good), and the afore mentioned Carrot Top (very good). However Bob Saget will be spared simply becuase none of the Sextet of Doom will believe he is a "comedian".
So you guys not only destroyed entertainment in the ninties, you also flooded New York City, Los Angeles, Miami, and New Orleans! I think this match should make The Grudge Match eligible for a Nobel Prize!
- Joe Klemm
Thus, the Stooges claim victory by being the ACTUAL cause that brought about the only entertaining parts of the 6 1/2 hour Cameron creation.
- ex-WVU Chuck
On the other hand, we have three guys who go "wubba wubba wubba" a lot and have never been able to beat anybody up save each other. Single handicapped windows have kicked the asses of the Three Stooges. Where the Marx Brothers only grew stronger as time progressed, the Stooges had Curly die on them, then Shemp, then "Curly Joe".
The Marx brothers personify perfection. The Stooges are bumblers to a man. It takes Groucho all of five seconds to convince the Stooges that it would be much nicer to just jump into the water so they can be refreshed once they hit land.
(On a sidenote, both groups have inspired little-known movie homages. The Marx Brothers inspired "Brain Donors", a clever remake of "A Night At The Opera" starring John Turturro. The Three Stooges inspired "StoogeMania", which is about a fat loser who obsesses about the Stooges to the point where it ruins his life. Yeah, *sure* the Stooges have a chance in hell.)
There next goal is of course to embaress the capitlistic British Empire by sinking their big boat. And of course, defending this ship are the partriotic free stooges, (who even tried to augment the U.S. military force with a new plane, which didn't work).
It is obvious that marxes win, since the boat sinks. And being clever little communists, Groucho will hit them with one insult after another that the stooges will charge out of the lifeboat, as the marxes get back in, and leave to cause new revolutions.
- The One Who Knows Too Much
I predict Groucho to be smoking three stogies in the boat.
"They taste good!"
- Trevor "Flwyd" Stone
If THIS ain't right up the Marx clan's alley, I don't know what is.
For one thing, they've done this cruise-ship shtick before. 1932's "Monkey Business." Replace Zeppo with Leo, and they're good to go.
The three-hour plus length of the film can only work in the Marx's favor. Even assuming the Stooges are in their 1930's prime (and not the ancient last-gasp Stooges of the 60's films), they can only keep up the slapstick just so long. And both teams have to take breaks while the Leo-Kate scenes play out. Gives Groucho and his boys a chance to think up new gags, while the Stooges scramble to make their beat-up-each-other routine more original.
Groucho immediately insinuates himself with both Kate and her mom, while Chico and Harpo both mess with Billy Zane and his butler/bodyguard. Old hat for them. And all throughout, the Stooges are run ragged being chased from one end of the boat to the other by the furious ship's officers.
And if it finally did come to a face-to-face showdown?
HARPO vs. CURLY: Harpo's nimbleness and sheer sadistic streak easily wipes out the semi-retarded fat boy. In the end, Curly will likely run like a bull at Harpo, who easily sidesteps and watches Curly leap overboard.
CHICO vs. LARRY: Chico can play a piano far better than Larry can scratch on that violin. Larry will try to lead into "Pop Goes the Weasel," but Harpo's already taken Curly out and is playing harp accompaniment to Chico. And if the music contest fails, Chico can just wipe Larry out in a card game.
GROUCHO vs. MOE: Moe's the smartest of the Stooges, but Groucho can still think circles around him. And when Moe gives up the gags and slaps him, Groucho returns the slap -- with a brick-filled glove.
When the iceberg hits, the exhausted Stooges panic and try to grab a lifeboat -- which the angry officers won't let them into. The Marxes, meanwhile, have already secured a deluxe lifeboat for themselves, Leo, Kate and her mom. When they get stateside, Groucho pawns off the diamond necklace for 10 trillion dollars, all four marry the gorgeous Miss Winslet (see the end of "Horse Feathers"), and then Groucho decides to marry Kate's mom too just for the heck of it. The End, cast list, fade out. Another triumph for Groucho, Chico, and Harpo.
Stooges: --Frequently get into fistfights, burned, blown up, and eaten by lions
Marx Bros: --Frequently create fistfights (usually between innocent people who happened to be standing next to them), light things on fire, cause massive structural damage, and occasionally release ferocious lions...
The Stooges only chance of survival is to wait until the inevitable musical number that always accompaniess a Marx Brother's film, when (no matter what the setting) Chico and Harpo will stumble across a perfectly working piano and harp, and can't leave the room until they've completed a fifteen minute duet.
- Troy "trenchcoat" Wood
That's a fine hunk o' woman. She can "sink His Majesty's Ship" with me any time....nyuk nyuk.
- Trooper TK
Well, I think you get the idea...maybe...
So, for the 76.7% percent of the red blooded American males out there who still don't get what I'm saying--Stooges easily cruise to victory and a better America. Good night, and God bless.
Richard Marx - Candy-ass, rumored to be lover to hockey player
Stephane Richer, for some unexplicable reason is almost universally
adored and lusted after by most of the female population of the known
world (a la Micheal Bolton) and yet somehow turns his back on his duty
to the rest of the male population to sample as many hot and horny
women as humanly possible and instead does it with a washed-up
has-been (or maybe even never-was) hockey player = LOSER
Marxism - Basis for the wonderfully efficient political systems of Socialism and Communism <snicker>...
Now, for the stooges, other famous and infamous Larry, Curlies and Moes:
Larry - Larry Robinson, Larry Bird, Larry Walker, Leisure Suit Larry
Curlie - Short and Curlies - need we say more?
Moe - Mo Vaughn, Mo Lewis, Mo' Money etc
The Stooges pummel those three Commie fairies without even breaking a sweat, and send them fudge-packing with Leo in tow whilst impressing Winslet to no end with their obviously testosterone-laced displays of martial prowess and undeniable virility.
- Fistandatilus of Montreal - Officially Sanctioned Crazed Looney(tm)
- uncle aliester pervy
For most of the fight, The Three Stooges dominate, killing all the Marx Brothers except Groucho. As the ship is sinking with one life boat left, Groucho is lying battered on the deck in a pool of his own blood just inches away from the lifeboat and escape. Curley approaches to give the deathblow, but Groucho tricks him into saying the secret word. Out of the sky a duck drops and knocks all three of the Stooges over. Groucho rolls into the lifeboat and cuts it loose in the nick of time.
- Joel Mathis
This match's outcome is preordained, since we have hard, albeit after-the-fact, evidence that at least one of the Stooges went to a watery grave. Since they were rarely separated, it is only natural to assume his companions did so as well.
What evidence? I refer to the famous animated shark Jabberjaw. This annoying elasmobranch's uncanny resemblance to Curly has been repeatedly noted. Since very few sharks, if any, talk, and no others have been noted to constantly go "Woob! Woob! Woob!" or "Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!", this cannot be a coincidence. There must have been some contact between Curly and Jabberjaw sometime in the past. And the usual result of contact between humans and great white sharks is a dark red cloud in the water. In the absence of evidence to the contrary, we must assume that is what happened here. If nothing else, it explains how Jabberjaw got so incredibly fat.
The mechanism by which Curly-ness, if you will, passed from man to shark is something for future scientists to determine. Perhaps, in a manner similar to that observed in planarian worms, Curly's knowledge (what there was of it) was passed on to Jabberjaw when he was eaten. (This, of course, means that there may even now also be sharks out there acting like Larry and Moe, a thought that cannot but chill the heart.) Some soft-hearted sorts will imagine Jabberjaw taking the Stooges to safety and in return being taught to speak by a grateful Curly, but this is not a Disney film and we will indulge no such sentimental maunderings.
First, there was Toy Story v. Chucky.
Then, we had M*A*S*H v. ER in a match involving cleaning up the mess left by Toy Story v. Chucky.
Now, we have the Three Stooges vs. the Marx Brothers. As I recall, Hawkeye from M*A*S*H often did impersonations of Groucho Marx (once including Trapper John as Harpo).
I think, rather than trying to think of a response to this match, I'll just get a head start on the next obvious match of the sequence: Baywatch vs. the Coast Guard in a competition to see who can rescue the most Stooges, Marxes, and other Titanic victims.
- Mark Wentz
- "Mad Dog" Mike
- Loss Leader
If all else fails, Margaret Dumont makes a fine floatation device.
As Adam Sandler pointed out in the Hannukah Song, the Three Stooges are ALL Jewish!!
To win, Larry, Moe and Curly merely throw themselves overboard. The Atlantic Ocean parts the whole way along a dry seabed to New York City. Groucho, Harpo and Chico take the boat, which drifts on to their greater destiny in Freedonia. A happy ending for all, though Stooges clearly take this episode of the WWWF, which ends as "Three Blind Mice" plays over our heroes "nyuk nyuk nyuk"ing it on the Mid-Atlantic Ridge.
- Chris 'Jedi' Knight, the Three Stooges were the original DEVO: "woob it, woob it good!"
We must note that the Marx Brothers were also Jewish, but if Moses likes the Stooges better, who are we to argue with Charlton Heston? Especially with his friends in the NRA. -- Eds.
Reason enough for the Marx brothers to win.. besides.. clever wit and a quick tongue will get you farther in life than repeating 'nyuk nyuk nyuk' all the time.
I can't even recall one whacked-out adventure that the Marx Brothers got into. Truly sub-par.
- Colonel Manteca
Exciting news! A recent discovery by super-scientific underwater divers lead by actor Bill Paxton at the Titanic shipwreck site in the North Atlantic have uncovered photos and other artifacts that may give us new information regarding the last hours of the ship and its crew as well as new insights as to why it sunk! Photocopies of the following documents and pictures are available from A.T.S. for the special introductory price of $58.99 a piece. (see order form on page 4)
Item 1:A charcoal drawing of an obese bald man reclining on a loveseat in one of the ship's luxury suites. The man is nude and the lines of the face suggest that he is barking at the artist. Was the portrait drawn after panic had set in? Were the crew and the passengers of the ship going mad? Buy a photocopy of this sketch and maybe you'll know!
Item 2: A huge bicycle horn, still in perfect working condition. Was this the horn that first signalled danger for passengers and crew That Fateful Night? No. It wasn't. But you should buy a taiwanese facsimile of this artifact from our catalogue!
Item 3: A photograph of the substitute engine-room crew that may have been on duty on That Fateful Night. The photo suggests conflict among them. One of the three has his wrench clamped onto the nose of a co-worker. His curly-haired shipmate has apparently just had a hot coal from the furnace thrown down his shirt. A leak in one of the pipes is barely visible in the upper-right corner. Were THESE actually the men who sunk titanic? Historians say "Who cares?" We say "PROBABLY! BUY THE PHOTO!"
Item 4: An official order to have shipmates, Larry Fine, Moe Howard, and Curly Howard confined to the bottom level deck and hand-cuffed to a big pipe, dated That Fateful Night, hours before the ship went down. The order is signed by an up-to-now unrecognized member of the ship's administrative staff, one Captain Firefly.
Item 5: A rare photo of wreck survivors in their lifeboat taken at dawn by the captain of a Portuguese Freighter the day following That Fateful Night. The photo actually depicts the famous comedy team The Marx Brothers sitting in an R.M.S. Titanic lifeboat trying to push a rather large woman in an evening gown over the side. Were the Marx Brothers actually on the boat. Most likely! Or not! It is unclear how this photo made back inside the actual wreckage to be found almost a century later.
- I.C. Sedablineman
- email@example.com -- Curator of the Mr. T vs. Hanson website
1: Numbers. 3 on 3 Advantage: None
2: Bungling: Rufus T. Firefly won a war even though he was a bungling idiot. The Three Stooges got slapped around by each other. Advatage: Marx Brothers
3: Quips: Stooges: same old same old. "You moron." "Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk." The Marx Brothers: Changes every ten seconds depending on current situation. Advantage: Marx Brothers
Finally, last but not least: Costuming: Marx Bros:Let's look at "Duck Soup" everytime we a scene change the boys are in different costumes. If they were on the Titanic I forsee different sailor costumes and then just before they enter the lifeboat. Big dresses. Stooges: Same basic costumes but remaining the same throughout the picture Advantage: Marx Brothers
Well IMHO I see that the Marx Brothers have the victory by a landslide. Fortunatly for the Three Stooges Curly makes and efficient flotation device.
- Michael G
Moe: We've gotta get that lifeboat back before the Marx brothers do.
Larry: I've got it! We'll share!
Moe:(slapping him)Where's your fightin' spirit, ya knucklehead?
Larry: Well, let's get that whistle from our cabin to make Curly mad and attack them.
Moe: That's a great idea. I'm so glad I thought of it.
(Cut to Groucho, Harpo, and Chico loading luggage into the lifeboat)
(Cut to Larry, Moe, and Curly, looking for whistle)
Larry: Hey, Krazy-Glue(tm)! I love this stuff!
Moe: Get back to work, ya bum!(slaps him)
Larry: What was that for? (slaps Moe, hand sticks)
Moe: Now look what you've done! (squirts Larry with glue of head)
Larry:(touching glue)Cut it out! (slaps Moe, hand sticks)
Moe: Ow! That hurt! (slaps Larry, hand sticks, tries to pull it off, other hand sticks)
Larry and Moe: HELP!!!!!!
(Cut to Harpo and Chico loading grand piano onto lifeboat, Groucho talking to Kate Winslet)
Groucho: If you give us the necklace, we'll let you ride in our boat
Kate: Really? OK.
(Cut to Larry and moe trying to separate, Curly searching)
Curly:(doing Curly Shuffle[tm]) Woob!Woob!Woob!(tm)
Larry: Don't just sit there, help us!
Curly: Sorry. Hey look! The whistle!
(Cut to Marx Brothers loading several tons of Spanish gold into lifeboat)
Chico: We're rich!
Harpo: Honk! Honk!
(Cut to Stooges, now unstuck, with whistle)
Moe: Good work, let's get to the boat!
(Cut to Marxes in lifeboat, with twenty Swedish models, Stooges enter)
All Three Stooges: Hello!
Moe: Now get out of our boat!
Groucho: Sorry, you missed the last call for passengers.
(Groucho unties boat, stes off to sea, waves goodbye)
(Cut to Stooges, Swimming off into the distance)
It is also rumored that Leonardo DiCaprio and Brendan W. Guy will be real-life victims in the movie.
- Devin The Mental Hospital Escapee
The simple fact remains that Moe and Larry are indestructible, and perhaps immortal. (As we all know, the third stooge is cursed as we can see from the progression from Curly to Shemp to Curly Joe to Joe Besser). But while the third stooge may fall by the way, Moe and Larry are the only constants. Bullets can't hit them, the worst thing that can happen is a stray bullet might knock a vase off the wall and send it crashing down on one of their heads, but otherwise call no lasting damage. Stabbing weapons of any kind also cannot hit them in any vital areas, they merely can jab them in the backside, but don't draw any blood or cause any injury. Of course blunt objects are also useless, they'll merely make that hollow wood sound (tm) or that bass drum sound (tm), but cause the stooges no pain. And if the Brothers Marx result to fisticuffs, the Stooges will employ a brilliant (yet unintentional) rope-a-dope strategy a la Muhammed Ali or, more accurately, Homer J. Simpson. Once the Marxes have exhausted themselves, they'll be easy pickin's for lots of smacking, slapping, and eye poking. Bottom line, the Marxes go down with the ship as the Stooges float home safely on a piece of the ship's hull.
- King of No Media
- billbb of The Sunday Funnies
The Stooges foolishly rely on brute strength and mindless, directionless energy. They also would rather pick on one another than join forces to "bonk" and "boink" an advancing enemy.
However, the Marx Brothers have the patented "Harpo Leg Hang" (TM). A few, carefully timed hangs of Harpo's knee on the opponent's hand is enough to psychologically squash even the most valiant foe. And let us not forget the "Chico and Harpo Fist Fight" (TM), in which the combatants pretend to fight amongst one another when in reality they are wearing down the opponents' tolerance level. The Stooges, noble warriors all, have neither the hubris (TM) nor the stamina to combat such psychologically-draining forces.
As for the namby-pamby DiCaprio "Fight Wildcard"....forget him. One quick jab from Groucho's sarcasm and an aforementioned "Leg Hang" (TM) will leave DiCrapio crying in his beer (or salt water as the case may be).
- Scott Jorgenson
The Stooges: the greatest troupe of physical comedians the world
has ever known.
The Marx Brothers: the greatest troupe of intellectual comedians the world has ever known.
In short, it's Physical vs. Mental, Brawn vs. Brain, or however you want to put it.
If the pen is mightier than the sword, let's fight a duel and I'll take the sword.
The intellect proves no match for the physical, and thus the Stooges take it in less time than it takes to get blind drunk down in one of those great third-class parties where the Guinness flows like water.
P.S. Hey, Paul, wrestling doesn't count as a sport (sports have rules). WF AND WWWF FOREVER!!!!!
Curly:Nyuk, Nyuk Nyuk
Chico: HEEEEEEEEYYY YYYYYYOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Yes "Chico and the man's" Chico has taken the place of Chico Marx However,suddenly 1,000,000 letters of disaproval of the stereotypes suddenly appear and give Leo a huge paper cut that sends him rushing for the Med office. Unfortunatly that's where the Iceberg just hit and.... well you know.
Oh By the way: COW
MOO! - Paul
Gee, thanks a lot, Patrickcirtap. Just when the medications were starting to work. Get out of that pasture, Paul! - Shane
1) Since we have '30s actors in 1912, I assume that plucking people from different time-eras is OK.
2) Hence, I assume that all 6 Stooges and all 6 Marx Brothers are available. They weren't in the opening scene, but they may all be aboard. However, Leonardo and Kate are not aboard, as they are busy off filming their sequel, "Hindenburg.")
In a straight-out physical fight, the Stooges would mop the decks with the Marx Brothers, especially with the presence of Shemp. These clowns spent most of their careers assaulting each other with all manner of methods and objects, and they did their own stunts. (To be fair, Harpo did that rope-stunt in "A Night at the Opera" without harness, net, or tricks at the age of 47.) They would certainly feel more motivated, as in "A Night at the Opera" the Marx Bros. crammed about 15 people into a tiny room, showing Groucho & Co. don't mind tight quarters.
Realizing this, the higher-brow comedians would flee the scene and mix with the crew and other passengers, setting things up in their own favor. This was where they excelled: the Marx Brothers could mentally fly circles, bewilder, and manipulate people better than Curly was said to have flown circles around the Ghost of the Red Baron in that Scooby-Doo episode. As with many other situations, this contest boils down to allies: who can the various competitors enlist onto their sides? Let's examine all 6 Stooges and all 6 Marx Brothers, one by one:
1) Groucho: punsters, cigar-smokers.
2) Chico: pianists, people who wish they were Italian, including people who wish they were with the Mafia.
3) Zeppo: um, singers? People who spend their evenings stuck with their mates while everyone else does something interesting?
4) Harpo: mutes, percussionists. Harpo can also call upon the vast resources at his Chicago-based media conglomerate, Harpo Productions. While Oprah lost her previous WWWF duel against the Elvii, don't discount the financial and social influence of America's top-paid female entertainer.
5) Gummo, who was with his brothers on vaudeville but chose to be a theatrical agent instead. He would win the support of those trying to get their scripts produced.
6) Karl, who disdained show-biz altogether, instead pursuing philosophy and political science. He eventually gained tens of millions of devoted followers.
1) Moe: the Beatles, people who have to put up with morons.
2) Larry: famous conductor Leopold What's-His-Name, violinists, people experiencing bad-hair days.
3) Curly: people who sense they are continually being outsmarted, dogs.
4) Shemp: hmm, I don't remember much about him.
5) Joe Besser: I don't think I ever even saw him.
6) Curly Joe: Ditto.
So, with these connections, it looks like the Stooges can count on the support of idiots, some musicians, and any first-class-deck canines (who were probably just those rat-sized dogs with names like "Fifi"), while the Marx Brothers can field James Cameron hangers-on, the combined Soviet and Chinese warfleets, AND Oprah's dreaded Book-of-the-Month Club. No contest! Karl's accompanying naval escort could evacuate almost everyone within minutes of the Titanic hitting the iceberg, including the Stooges if the Ruskies felt generous or needed target practice.
A persistent flaw in the U.S.' foreign-policies has been an overestimate in how much individuals and nations follow their ideologies, esp. Communist ideologies. About nine years ago I saw a "Tonight" show episode wherein this guy was telling Johnny his theory that nearly all people can be classifed as one of the 3 Stooges. The categories are:
1) Moe: The brains of the outfit, touchy, irritable, needs to be in
control. An example he gave: Leona Helmsley, Richard Nixon, Bill Cosby, Michael Eisner.
2) Larry: The middle-man. Wants and tries to be like Moe, but winds up acting more like Curly. Example: President Bush, Bill Clinton, Rev. Jimmy Bakker.
3) Curly: Completely out-of-control, but doesn't even try to avoid messing up because he knows that Moe will always be there to correct him and bail him out. Example: Vice-President Bush, Dan Quayle, Mike Tyson.
(Reagan, the sociologist said, was a rare anomoly: a Shemp.)
EVERYONE in the entire human race is represented on a fundamental level by one of the Stooges, and through species-wide hard-wire programming will side with these buffoons, regardless of shallower sympathies or affiliations! As soon as the crew and passengers sub-consciously recognize the Stooges and their wishes, the Marx Brothers will be stuck entertaining polar bears faster than you can sing "Three Blind Mice."
- Matt Bricker
Finally, and most importantly, I vote for the Stooges because Bridget Fonda likes them. I'm all for anything that increases my chances, no matter how small, of getting a date with her. (hubba, hubba!)
- Mary :)
The Three Stoges do not lose in every episode. In a few they have come out on top. Heck in some they even get girls at the end which is somthing that only Harpo has ever accomplished.
Second you are forgetting the time factor. A Three stoge takes only about half an hour while all Marx Brother flicks are an hour and a half. I am ignoring the few Three Stoge movies simply because most of them were really bad and don't deserve to be assoicated with the Three Great Ones.
Finally, you have to consider Musical numbers. The Marx Brothers always have several in their movies, while the Three Stoges usually only have one every other episode.
So here is how I see the fight going. Early on the much more intelligent Marx Brothers trick the Three Stoges into going below deck to hide from the cops. This gives the Marx Brothers free run of the ship and many funny situations ensue. However the Marx Brothers don't know thier opponets very well. While below decks the Three Stoges manage to put several large holes in the ship causing water the rush in. All this happens while the Marx Brothers are entertaining the entire ship in one of the ball rooms with a witty piano number. When the ship starts to go under everyone makes a mad rush for the life-boats. Since the ship never made it far enough to run into its fated iceberg history is forever altered and every important person from the movie is killed while the extras make a mad dash for the life-boats. After all their contract says they aren't supposed to die yet and they don't get the big bucks so they are really pissed.
We cut to a view of the ocean next morning. The Marx Brothers are drifting south on the piano they were playing when the ship went under. All of a sudden the Three Stoges zip by them paddling their life-boat franticaly while the rest of the survivors chase after them in their life-boats. In the end only the Marx Brothers survive, as the ice berg shows up and sinks all the life boats in vengence for them messing up its screen debut.
The Marx Brothers win by default.
- Spamboy - (I should be working)
- Mike Bell
The Marx Brothers have two: the useless "romantic lead" Zeppo, and the utterly invisible Gummo. Zeppo will be too busy waiting for his song cue to be of much use. And Gummo... well, since he was never in any of the movies, it's hard to say. I'll give him a plus for stealth, but come on: "Gummo"? What's he going to do in a fight, hickey his foes insensible? I'm presuming there's a reason he couldn't even bump Zeppo, and hereby join history in ignoring his genius for, uh, gumming. But Moe, Larry and Curly have THREE utility Stooges: Shemp (whose leathery face always reminded me of the Texas Chainsaw Massacres), Joe (whose lean, mean hippo frame will pay big dividends in any free-for-all), and Curly Joe (Is he Curly? Is he Joe? I don't know.... and neither will the Marxes). Granted, by the early 1960s, the Stooges were getting pretty gamy. But 750 pounds of extra Stooge has got to pay SOME dividends.
Of course, any dinky lifeboat that can't fit Moe, Groucho, Larry, Chico, Curly and Harpo together will surely capsize under the weight of technically six (realistically, more like eight) Stooges. However, drowning three minutes after winning STILL counts as a glorious Grudge Match victory according to the by-laws and high laws.
Shane and Paul spent loads of time chewing over the "Leo Factor," but gentlemen, it's a red herring. Leonardo DiCaprio is a complete dud when it comes to affecting this aquatic antagonism. He'll be outjigged by Curly in a dance-off, before Larry teaches the filthy Irish how to do the Elevator Dance. (Hint: it has no steps.) Chico will do things to the word "expectorating" during Leo's spitting lessons that will leave Sweetums hunched in the fetal position. Harpo will snip that ever-so-cute cowlick off Leo's head with garden shears, and Moe will take all his crummy sketchbooks and fill them with large drawings of his own thumb. Groucho will, as ever, toss off a few wisecracks while putting the moves on Kathy Bates, the closest thing to Margaret Dumont on this ship of fools.
No, gentle commentators, the first and most basic issue is the only factor. It all comes down to physical abuse.
What Stooge critics fail to recognize, while choking on their X chromosomes, is that Stooge violence is NOT mindless violence. Rather, it is highly technical mano-a-moron ballet.... a game of human chess, if you will. (That is, if you could impale the bishop in both ears with ice tongs.) Look at how swiftly the Stooges not only mastered the Assault (the quick, direct index finger to the eye), but the Counter-Defense (the upraised flattened hand across the bridge of the nose, preventing the finger from entering the eye socket), AND the Counter-Counter-Attack (gouging each eye in a two-pronged burst with a PAIR of index fingers). Lord only knows what Stages D, E, and F might have been in this harvest of havoc, had the Stooges not retired from show business at the cruelly young age of 94.
The Stooges prove lethal with any and all weaponry within arm's reach: foodstuffs, loose planks, kitchen appliances, wooden barrels. What do the Marxes have to fight with? An oversized bicycle horn? A sad, stuffed duck on a rope? A six-foot, 100-pound harp? (Yeah, THAT'S easily maneuverable in hand-to-hand combat.) Sure, Groucho could get in a few cigar burns. But there's more than enough ice on this ship to swiftly repair any skin damage. And besides, the Stooges routinely skip away from massive explosions with third-degree soot across their entire bodies, primed for yet more destruction. In military terms, the Stooges are masters of scorched earth combat, destroying any person or thing they touch. They dish it out and take it with equal aplomb. Meanwhile, the Marxes rely on Harpo's goofy disguises and Groucho's crouch, feeble camouflage techniques indeed.
Shane raised a good point when he invoked the "Mandatory Movie Endings." Yes, Marx Brothers films always finish in triumph, while the Stooges invariably end in full whooping retreat. And in so pointing out, Shane, you have unwittingly unleashed the instrument of your OWN DOOM!
If I'm not mistaken, RUNNING AWAY is pretty much the DEFINING element of victory here! You head thataway in the lifeboat, you win. The Stooges will be blowing themselves up with S.O.S. flares and throwing the anchor through the bottom of the lifeboat, while Groucho and Chico remain on board the sinking ship, trading lame puns on "biosphere" and "hypothermia."
And should the Marxes gain a temporary foothold in the lifeboat, the Stooges have an atomic ace up their sleeves: the unbridled hellbeast mayhem of Curly's Limburger Fits. Once Curly begins slapping his face and break-dancing, all the while screaming, "MOE! LARRY! The cheese! Moe! Larry! The CHEESE!", a frazzled Harpo's final act on this earth will surely be to produce the incorrect flavor-- for truly, it was always the incorrect flavor ("No, not limburger... GOUDA!"). As Harpo is disembowled by a blustering bald behemoth, his total and absolute silence will only be all the more terrifying.
But the above discussion is largely academic. Don't tell me you guys overlooked that the Three Stooges are brothers in the Local Amalgamation of Morons, Chapter 5 and seven-eighths? Surely you couldn't have forgotten their proud motto: "We are morons, tried and true / We will do our yell for you / AARRGHHAAWAARRRAAALLLGGHHH"? That's right.... the Stooges are UNION. Why did you think guys with the Stooges' resumes and track record kept getting hired, anyway? They've got the TEAMSTERS backing them up, baby! And considering all the RE-painting, RE-plumbing, RE-constructing jobs the Stooges have created for their card-carrying brethren, the Marxes' next (and last) farce will be played under the 40-yard line in "Hoffa Feathers." The secret word is "pain."
- The King of Tonga
First of all, I awaken at 3am to a noise downstairs. As I stumble blindly down the stairs, I see this half-crazed, buck naked Canadian calling himself Hotbranch! with my Christmas gold medal Grudgie(tm)! As he darts out the door screaming like a banshee, I can't help but wonder what's going on. So the next morning I pick up a paper..... All of a sudden my medal has been claimed by some country called Tonga and somehow Paul McCartney found my medal in the non-alcoholic beer compartment of a convenience store.
Shame on all of you! I want that medal back. I never even had a chance to hock it to support my Beanie Baby addiction...... $300 giraffe my Aunt Fannie! Anyway, if I don't get my medal back, I'm sending in Disney lawyers by the baker's dozen (knew that internship would pay off!) until Matlock, which I assume is your legal attourney, can't distinguish The Legal Stuff(tm) from a hole in the ground!!
As far as the match goes, I would go for the 3 stooges for the Shemp surprise factor(tm). When he and Curly get the rage, there's no tellin' how far the cigar can be shoved up Groucho's..... uhhmm, well, anyway you get the picture. Unfortunately, the stooges will probably destroy themselves in the end anyway.... maybe they'll take DeCraprio with them.
- -Shaft (Tonga go squish now!)
In a typical battle of brains vs brawn, brains usually win, because they know that if you run fast enough, you won't be beaten to within an inch of your life. Brawn wins only when it is a lovable doofus facing impossible odds against an evil genius who stupidly uses MS EvilPlanner98. We must, therefore, evaluate the relative merits of the Marx brothers (brains) and the three Stooges (brawn).
As is their nature, the Marx brothers will begin insulting the Stooges. Only one problem: for insults to work effectively, the insultee must be smart enough to understand the verbal jab. The Stooges represent the previously mentionned lovable doofus who are just too damned stupid to understand what the Marx brothers are saying. This particular brains vs brawn battle is represented by a well-known equation:
Where E equals the destructive physical Energy of the Stooges when unleashed in slapstick form, M equals the Moron factor (aka stupidity) of the Stooges, and C equals the Marx's wiseCracks that increase furiously (that's the 2 part) as the Stooges continue in their intelligence-impaired state.
As the Marx brothers increase the intensity of their verbal assault on the Stooges, the slapstick energy will build until it goes supernova, obliterating the Marxes in less time than it takes to get Kate Winslet naked.
Our esteemed common-taters (aka: potato heads) have also pointed out the presence of Leonerdo DeCrappio, and how each team would deal with him and which would be better for civilization. Groucho would insult the little greaser into catatonia. Nice, but fan-girls will be even more annoying (and spend even more on Leo merchandise) when their "Florence Nightingale" hormones kick in. The Stooges are much more effective: beat the snot out of him and toss him overboard. The fan-girls' short attention spans will soon shift from mourning to swooning over the next flavor of the month (where the Stooges will be called on again). Clearly, the world's economy demands a Stooge solution.
As the Titanic slows to a stop after her fateful encounter with one of the Almighty's ice cubes, The Brothers Marx huddle together on the boat deck in their nightshirts, brainstorming. Within moments, a struggling Leo DiCaprio has been deposited in the the perforated section of the bow. After a few compliments shouted through the nearest bulkhead by some helpful teenage girls, his head expands to fill the available space, keeping the seawater out. Though she's down at the bow a bit (Heavy is the head that wears the crown of King of the World) Titanic and her passengers are saved.
Needless to say, Captain Smith is quite grateful for the quick- thinking actions of the Marx Brothers, and he agrees to forget about that whole stowaway thing. This is one of his last acts as Titanic's captain. Groucho distracts him by setting him up with Margaret Dumont, which is just what he deserves for nearly sending 1,500 people to a watery grave. Harpo is busy (one impromptu harp rendition of "My Heart Will Go On" and Kate Winslet is eating out of his hand) but Chico is able to help and keeps the ship's officers occupied with three card monte and French postcards, leaving the ship ripe for Groucho's takeover move. Once in command, Commodore Marx turns the Titanic south and sails down to the Caribbean to start a new cruise line. Soon after that Chico meets the love of his life, Charo, and the ship acquires some new officers, including a bespectacled ship's doctor, a purser with an odd rodent-related name, and a wise-but-funky African-American bartender, but that's a tale for another day.
- .Mr. Silverback- I've got the brain of a 4 year old child, and he was glad to be rid of it.
- The Artist Formerly Known as ExentriC
As is standard practice, the Stooges start off the assault throwing cream pies at the Marx brothers. However, Stooge Physics dictate that an immense, pie-sucking vacuum must open behind a nearby wealthy dowager at the point of release, thus forcing the pie to miss the intended victim and strike the biddy straight in the face. A few seconds later, to allow the audience to wallow in this vicarious attack on the privileged class, the wealthy dowager picks up her own nearby pie and wings it back at her accoster, only to miss the Stooge and hit her husband, or some other monied interest.
Eventually, the Stooges and the high-society types are covered in pies, and the world price of custard goes through the roof, forcing long lines at bakeries and government rationing programs.
In the interim, the Marx Brothers make off with the escape craft, while the Titanic lists heavily to Port, cream filling flowing out of several cracks in the ship's hull.
- Thinkmaster General
If you liked this match, check out these other past
Clint Eastwood v. John Wayne
Cinderella v. Snow White
Mary Poppins v. Maria Von Trapp
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