The want ad read simply:
After many resumes, Robert and Katherine Horn have narrowed the field to two finalists: Mary Poppins, a British nanny, and Maria Von Trapp, an Austrian governess. Hopefully one will be able to replace the previous nanny who hung herself.
Both candidates, seated across from the Horns, listen carefully as the final selection process is explained to them.
"Both of you will spend the week with the child," Mr. Horn says, "and, when we return from our vacation, we will speak with Damien who, ultimately, makes the final decision."
"We are so happy that you both like to sing," Mrs. Horn explains. "Singing seems to make Damien happy. He has been so morose since the death of his last nanny," Mrs. Horn pauses and shakes her head. "He is usually a good child," she brightens, "and we desperately need some time to ourselves." Mr. Horn adds, "If we are unable to find a nanny that Damien likes, we will have to send him to the Fundamentalist Christian Military Academy."
The Horns rise to shake hands with both nannies, saying "We expect both of you here tomorrow at 7:00 AM. Our flight leaves at 9:00."
So Brendan, muster some musings on the musical mommy-mimic who manages the malevolent miscreant.
BRENDAN: This one should be obvious to even the most dim witted mental hospital escapee, there is no way Mary Poppins can lose this match.
Let's start with the obvious, Mary is practically perfect in every way. Look at the skills she has: singing and child care, of course, but also levitation, teleportation, weather control, and creation of universes at will. She is beloved by every chimney sweep in London (useful for hired muscle) and effortlessly ran rings around George Banks, a pillar of British capitalism (back when that actually meant something). The woman even lives above the clouds, if she is not actually a god she is definitely at least an angel.
As for Maria, she knows how to handle dog bites and bee stings, but anything else is way beyond her abilities. She even needed the help of a man to help her get away from the Colonel Klink Brigade. What kind of role model is that for young girls? What would Time Magazine say? (Mary Poppins of course would have just ORDERED Bert to paint a sidewalk drawing of a quaint little town called Stalingrad and then teleported the entire German Army there).
Besides the word is out about Austrian child rearing techniques, look at what they produce, Freudian psychology, Schwarzenegger movies, Nazism, and a nation that can't even beat France in a straight up fight. Why would the Horns want their child to be subjected to such horrors when they could have a proper British nanny instruct young Damien?
Maria is a nice enough lady, but she is well out of her league here. Mary knows how to get rid of competition and will doubtlessly 86 Maria before the job even starts (probably by Godzilla attack). Practically perfect people do not like to lose.
HOTBRANCH: I want to thank you, Brendan. You made the majority of my arguments for me, and even inspired a song. Ahem... (sung to "My favorite things")
Brendan are you nuts?
Have you taken head blows?
Clearly you don't see
What ev'ryone else knows.
A flying nanny is
Doomed from the start,
There is no way Pop'ins can get this part.
Kicks her ass and
Makes her lose her mind.
It's painfully ob'vious, how can you deny
Von Trapp is the best, this time!
Poppins' paranormal abilities might land her a guest spot on the X-Files, but, to Damien, she will be little more than a telekinetic clay pigeon to be blasted out of the sky. I laugh at your claim that the Horns want a "proper British nanny". HA! What was the primary conflict in Mary Poppins? George Banks not approving of the new nanny. It's not hard to imagine that the Horns will also disapprove of Mary's blatant disregard of simple FAA regulations. The final choice may be Damien's, but the parents pay the salary; they will want someone who can instill responsibility and respect in their son. Damien will be in Christian Military Academy long before he ever has a "proper British nanny".
Furthermore, it is clear that you have never taken care of children in your life. Ask any parent: as the number of children increases, the degree of difficulty increases exponentially. Mary Poppins only had to deal with two children. Maria Von Trapp was saddled with seven kids, including a couple of teenagers. Rebellious Teenager Factor excluded, the mere number of children she cared for demonstrates Maria's superior abilities. Hell, even Fran Drescher is a more competent nanny than Mary Poppins!
Finally, the Von Trapps left Austria as a FAMILY when the Nazis invaded; the Captain made Maria his wife (probably as a reward for her brilliant child rearing abilities). Mary Poppins using sidewalk drawings to get rid of the Nazis is the same logic the Coyote uses to fool the Roadrunner, and we all know the track record there. Give it up, Brendan, Mary Poppins is nothing more than a coyote in nanny clothing.
BRENDAN: It truly astounds me HotBranch that you, a subject of the Queen yourself, would be so disrespectful of the power of British nannies. Of course the Horns are going to want a proper British nanny, how else is Damien going to pick up a proper British accent (which as we all know is a surefire ticket to any Ivy League school.)
And yes, Mary is used to working with a smaller number of children than Maria, Mary is a specialist. When you are taking care of 7 children, all it takes to be considered a good nanny is to make sure none of them end up dead or pregnant. Taking care of Damien though is a much more demanding job, it requires establishing a close one on one relationship between nanny and child, something that no one does better than Mary Poppins. I would also like to add that you deserve to have Mr.Belvedere come over to your house and sit on you, for that Fran Drescher comment.
Now can you answer me this, if Mary with her vast array of powers can't control Damien, how is Maria possibly going to do it? I don't think Damien's too interested in learning how to sing or running through the hills, and his biggest problem isn't that he's about to turn 17. As for the Captain marrying Maria: what is this, the Austrian version of Who's the Boss? Maria was supposed to be taking care of the children's needs not the Captain's.
Mary Poppins is a pure professional. She never allows sentiment to cloud her thinking, and she's got Damien completely outgunned power-wise (if Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious isn't an anti-demon power word, I don't know what is.) By contrast Maria is just a female Tony Danza, and if either her or Damien try to mess with Mary Poppins, they are going to find out that a spoonfull of sugar helps the reconstructive surgery go down.
HOTBRANCH: Well, I'm glad to see that Devin will shortly have a roommate in the mental hospital. Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious an anti-demon word? Obviously you and Poppins took the same English class at Texas A&M, probably taught by professor Boomhauer (I hear the final exam involves fogging a mirror).
You have also exposed Poppins' fatal flaw: SUGAR! Mary doles out spoonfuls of the stuff like it's going out of style. This is a free lesson in child care for you, Brendan, pay close attention. Giving a child any amount of sugar is a recipe for disaster. Imagine the horror of a demon child on a sugar rush... Maria will control Damien the way she controlled the Von Trapp children (as well as keeping them alive and maintaining their virginity): with love and understanding. When she gets in touch with Damien's inner demon, she will have him tied around her pinkie. If that doesn't work, I'm sure she picked up a few good tips on exorcisms during her time in the convent. Mary is simply not equipped to deal with supernatural beings.
Two final things: The only royalty I am a subject to is "Le Roi du Hot-Dog". Also, I've sent Mr. French over to beat you like a redheaded stepchild. (Isn't your middle name Jody?)
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Obviously, the Van Horns' talent for picking domestic help is only matched by their luck in offspring. Neither of these women has ever dealt with a real child in her life. They've been taking care of the sort of children you get in G-rated movies -- ones for whom being shockingly bad means sassing back or not picking up their room. After training on these nauseating little Goody Two-Shoeses, neither Poppins nor von Trapp could handle a genuine kid, much less Satan incarnate. Putting them together with Damien is like having a high school boxing champion step into the ring with Mike Tyson. (Which, I hear, is what Don King has lined up when Iron Mike gets out of the slammer again. But I digress.)
Fortunately for us all, once Damien has chewed up and spat out the limey and the Kraut, the Van Horns will finally come to their senses and hire the one woman who can keep him in line: Rosalyn. Since the Van Horns are filthy rich, they can easily afford to lure her away from Calvin's parents. And after ten years of handling an obnoxious, hyperactive, six-year-old Hell Brat -- and even beating him at his own game -- Rosalyn should have no trouble intimidating Damien into shape. Which means Damien will grow up to be a minister, and the Antichristhood will instead pass to the designated alternate, Calvin himself. And the Apocalypse will come not with four horsemen, but with tyrannosaurs in F-14s ...
Mary Poppins? Please. It's gonna take a lot more than a spoonful of sugar to handle the Antichrist.
And Maria Von Trapp? C'mon! She was a former NUN! Damien eats church workers for breakfast! Remember that monk getting decapitated by that pane of glass? Leo McKern getting buried alive?
No, what we need here is a REAL nanny! One who doesn't take crap from her charges. One who (having been through the wringer once already) knows how to cover her butt in terms of legality. And one, since the book deal fell through, really needs the cash.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Louise Woodward.
"DAMIEN!!!" shakeshakeshake "STOP LEVITATING THINGS, YOU LITTLE @#$@*!!!" shakeshakeshakeshakeshake....
Mary Poppins is English and supernatural. Maria von Trapp is German and not. Supernatural English women regularly send Germans running (see: "Bedknobs and Broomsticks").
Head to head, no contest. So who does Damien choose, seeing as he has a rather large part in the decision? Given that he is EVIL, the choice is obvious: Poppins. Why? He has to learn how to properly annunciate the accent. It's a known fact that the real bad guys have English accents (see: "Star Wars"). The ones with German accents just die by the truckload (see: any Die Hard movie).
- Keith (writing from the Arctic...really)
- The Disney Jihad
Coming soon to the WWWF: the Braveheart Jihad vs. the Disney Jihad in downtown Tehran. - Eds.
Christopher Plummer was General Chang on Star Trek VI. A Klingon (read Kick butt race). To make it to "General" means that he's got some serious guts, outranking even the psychotic Christopher Lloyd (captain Kruge, ST3)
Also, we have to acknowledge that he, as a mere Captain, stared down a Nazi. No kidding. Stared down a nazi, the meanest scum that ever walked. I think this should qualify him to help his wife to teach this Damien brat some manners. Either the steel of his eyes or the steel of his batlet'h should get this kid to behave
- Tristan "The hills are alive, with the sound of GRIFFONS" Pratt
Maria? She FAILED at being nun. How do you fail at that?
Mary Poppins, perfect in every way. Maria? Betrayed God and will be striked down for her sins.
(Besides, there's always the Disney factor, meaning that if they wanted Mary Poppins to have that job, there's nothing Maria and the entire 3rd reich could have done about it)
Any person with an OUNCE of sense will know that the magical nanny
will be winning this one. Come on guys, there's no question! One has
to remember that the Von Trapp act is based on NUMBERS. If Von Trapp
is alone, she doesn't stand a chance... While Mary Poppins can animate
the kid's clothes to be her support signers.
Plus, Poppins will be able to add special effects that'll put every rock show to shame while Von Trapp is still busy installing the puppet show.
Get serious... The spoonful o' sugar's going to beat Do Re Mi anytime.
- The Mighty Blou
SHE IS NOT IN COMPLETE CONTROL OF HER POWERS!!!
This can be seen when OTHER people start to float or do strange things when she is around. How many people started to float around just because she was near by and someone told a joke? This shows that she allows her powers to bleed off into those around her. Before this didn't matter since she only had to deal with two nice little children. But this is Damion we are talking about now. Given his natural abilities and sadistic streak combined with what ever power Mary will practically hand over to him he will be unstoppable and Judegment Day(tm) will be at hand.
Maria on the other hand has no powers for him to steal. He will coniseder he a minor annoyence and will make the fatal mistake of ignoring her. When he is not looking she will make him a really, reallly really, REALLY, UGLY outfit from some old curtians. The sight of such a horror will unhinge even his jaded mind and he will be reduced to a normal boy when the demons flee in horror of something even they can't stand. This will leave Damion with out a prayer (pun intended) and Maria will easly bend him to her will. Meanwhile Mary is still cowering in a corner repeating "No bad thoughts, only good thoughts" over and over again as she rocks back and forth.
End point for Maria, though on a side note Mary finally recovers enough to talk again but is so messed up in the head she is given her own TV show and becomes a huge success.
- Spamboy (still not working)
1) A fair and honest evaluation of the contestants' qualities. Booooring. Let's go to #2.
2) Hordes of clueless bozos who will mindlessly support one contestant over the other. Since this match doesn't feature a Star Wars, Star Trek, or Babylon 5 entity, this factor is not an issue.
3) Name recognition. Maria von who? Mary Poppins is so much a household word that everything from the Simpsons to the Far Side has made some sort of reference to her.
Sorry, guys, Mary wins solely because no one else will know who the other chick is.
- Bozo the Clone
A big 10-4 on seeking professional help, good buddy! Also, given that Julie Andrews has exposed her ta-tas only once in more than 20 movies, you might be waiting a long time. The older she gets, the less appealing that scene is gonna be. - Eds.
That out of the way, There is no way Poppins could possibly win this match. Why? Because Mary is high as a kite(no pun intended). I offer the following as proof that Mary is hooked on drugs:
1. The handle of her umbrella is a talking parrot head. Mary
actually takes advice from this thing.
2. She has a "magic bag" that she thinks can store anything.
3. She accuses her mirror image of being "cheeky."
4. She thinks that inatimate objects can put themselves away.
5. Finaly, she halucinates about going into little worlds that exist inside chalk drawings by Dick Van Dyke. Inside these little worlds, she can sing songs, talk to penguins, and win a horse race riding mary-go-round ponies.
My predition; halfway through the week Mary ODs and Von Trapp gets the job by default.
- The Animator
MARY: After you, my dear.
MARIA: Nono, after you.
MARY: All right, we go together.
MARY: On three.
MARIA: On three.
MARY: One... Two...
MARIA: Wait, wait. Do we enter ON three, or right after three?
MARY: Err... On three.
MARY: One... Two...
MARIA: Wait! Nose itches! (She scratches. MARY sighs.) Okay, I'm fine now. Let's do it.
MARY: One... Two... Three!
(They burst into the room. Sitting inside is a little boy with blonde hair, smiling serenely. This is obviously not the kid from the Omen. The two women look at each other, then burst out laughing.)
MARIA: Of course! How silly we've been! This child is Damien *Horn*,
not Damien *Thorne*!
MARY: We are so lucky that this boy wasn't Damien *Thorne*, or we probably would be diving off rooftops by now!
MARIA: Besides, everyone knows that the Antichrist is really a Jewish professor at Harvard!
MARY: Alan Dershowitz? (The two women laugh merrily as we fade to black.)
This program has been brought to you by the Falwell Foundation and the 700 Club.
- Rei "Leaper" Nakazawa
Good to have you back, Leaper! - Eds.
- Alan "Father Killjoy" Smithee
Unfortunately for Fox, its major firepower Star Wars"©® is off whipping Star Trek"'s ass AGAIN and so Fox will therefore be required to mainly rely on animated characters which Disney is doing anyway.
Many people will undoubtedly be mistaken in the assumption that the Nazi party is affiliated with Disney, this is refuted by Der Fueher's Face. They are in fact a Turner company; this is proven by the presence in WCW" of Hanz Guderian (AKA "Alex Wright"), Joseph Goebbels (AKA "Blitzkrieg") and Herman Goering (AKA "'Hollywood' Hulk Hogan"). Turner despises both Billionaire Tyrant Rupert Murdoch and Mick "The IceMan" Eisner and will enter the battle with Time Warner. The beleaguered forces will join but to no avail. Their animated champions will fight bravely but will be crushed by the combined masses of Hanna Barbera, the MGM cartoon library, and the Warner hordes. Add in the Nazi Bastard Modifier provided by WCW to the BOKCR (blunt object to kneecap ratio© 1994 Tonya Harding) numbers produced by the Atlanta Braves and victory for Turner is assured. Lucas will be paid by off Turner for keeping Wars out of it more than the fifteen seconds needed to beat Trek.
The cheery music will make Damien's head implode so he will be a non- factor in this entertainment war.
- Ubiq-"O the Hills Are Alive with the Sound Of Gunfire"
- Denis "as long as we're being geeky" Moskowitz
Consider then, the endings of both nannies known adventures. Maria Von Trapp is left crossing the Alps, children in tow singing and hoping that they have outrun the Nazis. Tho' the year is not precisely given, it is clear that by the recent German subjigation of Austria, that it cannot any later than 1938. This means that even if the Von Trapps make it to Switzerland (or wherever the heck they were going) they will have the better part of a decade to wait/watch before the Nazi Reich(tm) will fall. All this waiting and doing nothing to thwart the evil Nazis will surely have Maria crawling the walls in madness. You see Maria is used to being the Instigator(tm). She is the one who taught the Captain's children to laugh, sing, play, dance, perform puppet shows etc. Furhtermore she seduced the Captain, nearly converted the Nazi Mail Boy(tm), and got away from Col. Klink with the help of her nun friends. In short, she will not sit idly by and let the war play itself out.
Rather, she will teach her children, her commandos, to do wet ops, aid the French Resistance (they need all the help they can get), and covertly undermine their enemy's strength. So with merry background music, Maria will teach her children songs like, "Don't say yes to the SS", "A Tiger Tank is Just a Moving Bomb", and "We'll Break the Bread When Hitler's Dead". Maria will be there on D-Day, sabotaging the gun placements. Maria will be at the Battle of the Bulge, buying time gor the 101st. And in a final brave act, Maria will kidnap and impersonate Eva Braum, shoot Hitler dead and take her own life, dying a heroine.
Mary Poppins however has demonstrated a pragmatic and much more sensible nature after dealing with client children. After all, hasn't she hinted before that she'd "have to go away and not come back" before? At first this would disappoint dear Darien, but we all know that in the end it works out. Mary Poppins will instill her godly powers of Let's Learn To Share Our Feelings With One Another(tm) to not only Darien, but to his parents, the servants, the entire nieghborhood for cryin' out loud. After a week, Darien won't need a nanny. Heck, the whole town won't need a nanny when she's done.
Besides, if things were to go amuk, Mary Poppins has already had the foresight to accept jobs where she already has agents like Bert or Uncle Albert placed. With their help, even a tight-assed Darien would soon roll over and beg for his "Spoonful of Sugar".
And so, as Darien's parents go to dismiss the two nannies, Mary Poppins will politely interject.
"As you know, I'm Practically Perfect in Every Way. And being so perfect, I cannot allow myself to accept a job without facing some kind of reasonable and equally qualififed competition."
With that she reaches into her carpet bag, procures a remote, and clicks it at Maria. Her image goes static for a second, then disappears. Mary Poppins then removes a Holoprojector from Maria's seat and returns it to her carpet bag.
"I'm sorry for my deception," she apologizes,"Which way is the nursery?"
(Sung to that master of my domain thingy that the dad sings)
Around this world there is no other
who can control the average teenage boy!
But the one who does and can
is a really sweet woman!
Her name is Mary Pop'pins
With just a simple song she makes the whole day seem not long!
So hire her before you die!!!!!!!!!
Now this is my first time writing in to the WWWF, but i hope my contribution has helped thwart the effort of the incabable Maria Von Trapp.
Mary Poppin's natual defenses of letting the children do whatever they want will save her, while Maria will be slowly and painfully killed in order to protect Damian's identity until it's time for him to start that whole apocalypse thing.
- Joel Mathis
Hey, someone had ta say it.... G'nite, everybody!!!!
- Wonka aka Noel Schornhorst
On the other hand this isn't Mary Poppins V. The prince of all evil. Its Mary Poppins V Austrian nanny, and frankly Poppins wins. Only, Damien descides who is nanny, and I ask you, out of the two nannies, who will pose more of a threat? Poppins or Von wassername? Damien picks the Austrian, in fear of the awesome power of Poppins.
(That is assuming Ms Nazi even gets to the interview, we all know what happens to competitors for jobs that Poppins os applying for. They are quite literaly blown away)
- Seb Rabit
Mary Poppins is also a pagan witch, read the orignial book if you don't belive me, she will have no problem with Damien as they are one of the same, they will get along like a house on fire. VonTrapp is a Christan, a natural enemy of Damien. They are get along like a Norwegian church on fire. Nuff Said.
- Evan D.
My money's on Von Trapp.
- Mark "What's the name of his other leg?" Wentz
"maintaining their virginity" is not going to happen with Maria. It didn't work the first time around with the Von Trapps. Lisel and Rolfe....they were "taking care of each other" if you know what I mean!
Maria Von Trapp - Austrian(country of weight lifters)
<Maria>Why are you throwing food on the wall?
<Damien>Because I #@!! want to ya loser!
<Maria>Oh look, these curtains would make beautiful play clothes..
=>when Damien looks - BAM!! she coldcocks him.
Mary Poppins - British(country of tea sippers)
<Mary>Why are throwing food on the wall?
<Damien>Because I #@!! want to ya loser!
<Mary>Young boys should not use such words, why don't we use Supercalifrajalistexpealidocious instead, OK? Now why don't we whistle to this beautiful Robin...
=>as she puckers up to whistle - BAM!! Damien Coldcocks her.
<Damien>Why don't you Supercali-suckmybig***-expialidocious that, bitch.
- 5th Gear
took care of two adorable well-mannered children (whose biggest badness was wandering away to fly a kite.) She turning a well- meaning but foolish banker into a sweet inner-child loving banker. Thiss, after her reproted many many years of expereince... that's the best challenge she can set herself against? She's been cruising on a reputation made against those foes?
Maria Von Trapp:
took care of seven children, and had sullen teenage brats running around in matching playsuits singing music within days; all on her first try, with no expereince whatsoever! If she can do that without any practice, imagine what she can do now!
Besides, who better to confront the devil than a nun? even an almost- nun (now married).
- King of No Media
Meanwhile in Britain, the Ministry of Defence is working on a plan to stop Damian's plan of world dominance. A military officer bursts into an office, interrupting what seemed to be a tea party on the ceiling. "Ms. Poppins, we have recieved word that the Damian and the Commie-Nazis are advancing towards London..... and we need your help." Poppin replies with clenched fists, " It's time to stick a spoon full of sugar where the sun don't shine!"
Meanwhile, in the hills of western Europe, Von Trapp makes a stand. With her army of.... well... um just her I guess, she sets up an ambush. But her pincer attack was unsuccessfull due to the fact that there was only one unarmed person involved. As tank after tank rolled over her crushed body Damian quipped, "Hehe, the hills are alive with something all right..... Now it's time to take care of Poppins." As the army marches unimpeded towards London, Poppin gathers her army for a final conflict. Damian orders the shelling of London as they approach the outskirts of town. Just as the shells begin to fire, the battle cry of the opposing army is heard. Wave upon wave of Chimney Sweeps(tm) descend upon the unsuspecting Commie-Nazis like locusts! As the Nazis get "Chim-chim cherood" into next week, Poppins descends from the clouds with a squadron of fighters. Mary Poppins soon banishes the defeated Damian into limbo until he apoligizes for trying to conquer Europe without asking.
Well, that's always how I figured WWII went......
- ex-WVU Chuck
"Mrs Deirdre Young... is having a golden-haired male baby we will call Baby A...
Mrs Harriet Dowling... is having a golden-haired male baby we will call Baby B...
Sister Mary Loquacious... is being handed a golden-haired male baby we will call the Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is called Dragon, Prince of This World, Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan, and Lord of Darkness."
Guys, we're not dealing with Baby A or B here, people.
So, lets look at this logically. What kind of parent _really_ lets their kid choose their own nanny? Of course, they'd go for the one that lets them do what they want, and doesn't make them brush their teeth, or do any of the things a good nanny would. So who's really choosing the nanny? The kid's father, of course. And we all know who that is.
So which would he choose? On the one hand, we have a de-frocked nun. She decided to give up a lifetime of belief and commitment to the church to run off and be a nanny, and marry some rich guy. Obviously, not a real nun, but a gold-digger.
Damien's father would respect that. And I'm sure, in this day and age, all things considered, by the time he's 'sixteen, going on seventeen', Damien will have defrocked a few nuns himself.
It has been said "If nuns are the Brides of God, then when they get divorced do they get half of Everything?" If this is true, certainly Damien's father would want to get his hands on that. But, of course, although God, the source of all that is good, one who cannot stand the very sight of the slightest amount of evil, could never find a lawyer, you still wouldn't want to take Him to court for your cut.
And, ultimately, from the father's point of view, the ex-nun still works for the enemy. Not a risk he'd want to take, even if she decided to take the job, after finding out Mr Horn is married, and she can't get his money that way.
On the other hand, we have Mary Poppins, who has years more experience - not just one movie's worth, but all the books as well. Not only that, take a quick look at all her powers. She literally blew away all her competition to get her most famous job. Dresses all in black... She can only be a witch. Which obviously means she already works for the boy's father. Everyone knows that.
So which would he go for? The nanny who works for him, or the one who works for the opposition?
Mary Poppins, of course.
Maria got it under control.
- Michael Leung
- "Mad Dog" Mike (this horror could all have been avoided with a "Both Mangled and Killed" button)
"Thank you, Devin. Now the way The Rock sees it, Poppins is gonna kick Von Crap's Rudy-Poo Candy-Ass(tm). Face it, Hotbranch, ya jabroni, The Pop has the help of magic. Von Crap had got 7 pieces of Trailer-Park Trash(tm) referred to as the Von Trap family. And as far as Damien goes, he's gonna get the SMACK LAID DOWN on his ass. Bottom line, The Rock's got a song for ya: 'Since she lost the Grudge Match, Von Crap's got a new place to dwell/ At the corner of Jabroni Drive, it's the Smack Down Hotel(tm).' And Brendan, ya piece of trash, you best Know Your Role and Shut Your Mouth or The Dev will kick your sorry ass, since you fight worse than 10 pounds of monkey crap in a 5 pound bag, if YA SMELLLLLLLLL... WHAT THE ROCK... is cookin'"
Well, thank you Rock. I vote for Poppins, oh and Brendan, cute little comment. I accept this challenge to fight you on WWF GROUND ZERO! Thank you, that is all!
*Devin wishes to inform Hotbranch that he is not a jabroni, but The ROck thought he was. Devin only hates Brendan.
- Devin The Mental Hospital Escapee
I can feel the love... - HB!
- Big Mike
First of all, it is established that Damien possesses super powers. Maria von Trapp did not. But Mary Poppins does. These include the ability to neutralize mass, control weather on a local scale, and even access alternate universes. Damien's powers seem pretty much limited to telekinetics and mind control. If Poppins really wanted to teach him a lesson, she could use alternate universe-accessing skills and send Damien to one where the laws of physics are different and prevent him from practicing his powers. Also, Poppins' powers indicate that she can easily resist any mind control tricks Damien could use.
Then, there is the matter of allies. As stated earlier, Mary Poppins was quite popular amongst the chimney sweeps. And who played the chief chimney sweep - Dick van Dyke. In an interview on "Entertainment Tonight", van Dyke mentioned that he is capable of creating computer generated special effects like the ones you see in "Lost World" on his home computer system. Damien's movies never used computer effects. Therefore, Poppins has access to vastly superior technology than Damien does.
But wait, there's more. in addition to computer skills, van Dyke has another thing making him the ideal ally. van Dyke plays Dr. Sloan on "Diagnosis Murder". Dr. Sloan is a crime-fighting senior citizen. As we know from the examples of Jessica Fletcher, Ben Matlock, and Father Dowling, senior citizen crimefighters are never ever defeated. Therefore, van Dyke is invincible - an ideal quality for an ally. Damien will certainly know this and, if he is smart, realize that he doesn't stand a chance against Poppins and her ally.
Finally, there is the deadliest weapon in the Poppins arsenal - sicky sweet production numbers. Subject Damien to these and he will hang himself, just to escape.
- The Demented Astronomer
But consider Maria and her ally. The most powerful ally in the universe ... it's creator. Maria is the favoured champion of God.
Poppins tricks will amuse the youngster for a while, but when he gets bored she's going to find herself in a world of hurt.
Maria seems to be all raindrops on roses, but don't forget the wrath of religion (anyone with a catholic education knows what those nuns are like!).
Go with God, and his champion Maria.
- Jon Garland
However, recall Mary Poppins' guest appearance wherein she served as a nanny for the entire Homer J. Simpson household. Granted, she did not completely succeed, but who could? Mary performed better and lasted longer than I can envision anyone else doing, and she maintained her life and most of her sanity.
Maybe the untested Maria is up to this Horn assignment, maybe she isn't, we don't know, but we have seen that Mary can handle an impossible task as well as anyone. Putting Maria in charge of Damien would be like putting Steve Forbes in charge of the Presidency.
- Matt Bricker
- Nicky Lewer
- S.O.B. rocked
1) Maria Von Trapp was a Real Person(tm). She couldn't hope to have all the powers and skills that Practically Perfect Mary Poppins had.
2) Real People(tm) die. Maria died quite some time ago and her grave is in Stowe, Vermont -- by the Trapp Family Lodge.
Considering that Mary Poppins was not a Real Person(tm), and she did not die in the movie, we can therefore assume that she did not die.
So you've got one dead nun-wanna-be-turned-governess-turned-baroness vs. one live nanny with a funky tape measure and the spiffy ability to win a race on a wooden horse.
Mary Poppins pulls a win for this match out of her carpet bag, just as easily as she pulled out her hatstand.
- Julie "Juliebug" Martin
After careful consideration, it has become clear that the outcome of this match will depend on each contestant's cooking ability. Cleaning windows and imparting moarlity is a breeze compared to fine cuisine.
Mary Poppins has connections..."Poppin" Fresh, the lovable, white, ticklish, amorphous blob-type thing that hawks Pillsbury products. She brings along a few "All-new Super-Zowie Crunchtastic Incrediberry Streudel" samples (TM) to her interview, and she'll win over the dear child on the promise of sugar alone. Maria Von Trapp's homemade "Just-like-An-Overweight-Austrian-Matriarchal-Stereotype-Used-To-Make" streudel just won't compare. Von Trapp would probably dish out altogether too much tea (a drink with jam and bread)and too much deer...female deer. What kid would want that?
As a Disney employee, Mary Poppins, on the other hand, can serve a wide variety of dishes beyond her Pillsbury products. Duck a L'orange, Mice dipped in honey, Vietnamese Dog stew....
- 1/2 Nelson
Maria is another matter entirely. She has been out-classed before and learned never to under-estimate the manuverings of the children in her care. She also learns quickly, as _The Sound of Music_ clearly shows.
The Von Trapp family was her first job ever; before that, she was little more than a child herself, singing in the hills and being constantly late for everything. Thrust into a situation in which she must be constantly on watch, Maria quickly learned to Sleep Vigilantly. All attacks on her methods or character were first absorbed soundly, and then snuffed out. Why? Because the truth is, while Mary Poppins is the Mistress of Conjuration, Maria has a power of her own, one which is invisible to the naked eye: the power to change other people's opinions of her.
Why do you think the other nuns huddled in a corner to talk about her behind her back? They were terrified of her. Mother Superior knew that singing to the hills is actually Maria's Pagan Ritual of Song; that's why she sent her away in an attempt to keep the enchantress from taking over the abbey. Ever notice how many people who once tormented Maria end up doing her bidding and worshipping the ground she walks on? Mr. Von Trapp and the Baroness never had a chance; Maria only left the house because she needed an alibi before the full force of her enchantment came into effect. One spell to roughen the waters for the Baroness and another to send the children into a state of depression reminiscent of Caffine Withdrawl, and the Von Trapps were begging to have Maria back--just the way she knew they would, and all in the guise of simple plot movements. How utterly diabolic!
Knowing this woman's incredible power of enchantment as we now do, does it not seem as though Damien might succumb to her pseudo-innocent sweetness (who needs a spoonful of sugar when YOU are sugar?)? Damien will play one demonic prank on Maria, who will feign surprise and horror as she begins to silently play with her Semi-Divine Influence (tm). In a matter of hours, she'll have the problem child wearing curtains, playing fair, and singing about his favorite things--which, of course, are now Maria's favorite things. Coincidence? I think not!
- Eric Zawadzki
- Fire and Ice
"I want... I want Charles in Charge of me!" (not really though)
- Adam B.
(And even if she didn't have this connection to Damien's birth father, her ability to walk into cartoons would give her an insurmountable edge anyway. Kids can't resist cartoons, even(or especially) the demon-spawn among them.)
As for poor Maria, well, she's faced evil before in her life, and what was her response? Right. She ran away, letting her pals the nuns break a Commandment or two to cover her retreat to Switzerland. This time, I anticipate her being run down by a pack of wolves as she flees Damien's home through the woods. Funny, there were never wolves in this area before ...
- Call me Shane
Mr. Thorn is a shrewd and careful man; he will take the analytical approach:
Poppins: experience with children, many useful friends/connections, handy with an umbrella.
von Trapp: experience with children, all her friends live in a convent, connections to the Pope.
Poppins: Chimney-sweep friends track soot through house, dates man of questionable character, instilled liberal sentimentalism in children that led to a chain of events which ultimately cost previous employer his job.
von Trapp: incessant singing, lack of upper-class refinement, possible Nazi sympathizer.
Poppins: Mysterious powers involving sidewalk paintings and tea parties on ceilings, travels light.
von Trapp: McGuyver-like ability to make pansy-looking play clothes out of draperies, experienced in covert operations behind enemy lines.
Ultimately, for Mr. Thorn, it will come down to this one final category:
MORE LIKELY TO GIVE IT UP FOR THE BOSS
Poppins: raised in Victorian England, doesn't even bang her boyfriend.
von Trapp: Despite joining a convent (hey! did she go to a catholic boarding school?), she was overcome by lust and married her last employer. Wouldn't be surprised if she still has her old nun's habit and maybe a whip in her closet.
I think we have a winner.
"Oh I just feel like singing. The Hills are alive with the... what, they REALLY are alive, ahhhh."(splatting noises.)
(British accent)" Now young man, cleaning room can be fun." (sound of pan being thrown.) "Don't toy with me boy, I can throw stuff with my mind just as well." (noises of mass destruction.)" Now then, do you want some sugar."
- The One Who Knows Too Much
A woman was found impaled and strangled to death by a variety of houshold objects ,childrens toys, adn realy tacky "playclothes", which according to witnesses flung themselves at here after she sung an overdramatic song about "some of here favorite things". The only witnesses, a lage group of overly-perky children from two rich families, and a British nanny with an interesting umbrella refused to comment other than to say... "she had it coming."
The autopsy alos revealed a toxic mix of medicine and sugar had been forced down the woman's throat during some point of the incident.
Then Mary Poppins descends from on high like an omnipotent diety that would have been worshipped by and sacrificed to by the ancient Romans (arguably the toughest sonsabitches ever to enslave and subjugate their way across Europe). She looks at the debased Austrian woman, then at the smirking demon child, and says in a stern voice that could only come from a disciplinarian demi-goddess summoned by Victorian England's collective unconscious, "Damien, you have been a -naughty- boy! I shall simply have to punish you."
After seven hours of being held down by cartoon penguins and subjected to Dick Van Dyke's attempts to sing in a cockney accent, Damien will be licking Governess Poppins' boots and begging forgiveness: perfectly obiedient
- SoupIsGood Food
Mary poppins has one that damm girl named maria Doesn't. What does this mean.
No civizilzation that has umbrelllas has ever sucseeded at any thing (The british, the chinnese, The french). In fact when ever they go upagianst a non umbrella using civizilation they tend to loose. big time.So big that big might not even be an aquetoe word to describe it.
Well sir... What abou ww2? Well the british and chinese only won that one becuse they had helped from the non umbrella using russian and the only semi umbrella using americans. We have the history books People.
as for fiction characters we have the Penguin(umbrella user),That guy from pretty woman(richard gere, and lets not go thier),Rock Hudsen, The bad guy from point blank, and turner D. Century.. Turner D. Century? Come on.
So if any one can win it won't be that mary poppins character.. The umbrella user.. Hell she was played by julle andrews and where has her carerrer gone. Maria via knockdown.
- Hatter (no not THAT Hatter)
Neither one of the ladies in question is going to be able to handle Damien on her own. He's already sent more than one Nanny to the Big Playroom in the Sky, and magic tricks or fresh-faced Austrian enthusiasm are not going to be enough to make a difference. True, Poppins can call in all her friends in the domestic servant community. Though the list of her backup would be long and contain the names of some genuine hardcases ( Hulk "Mr. Nanny" Hogan and Alfred the Butler come to mind) they would mostly be completely unprepared for the child-rearing combat that awaits them. The coroner van is going to look like an airport shuttle bus. Von Trapp, however, has the full power of the Catholic Church and all Nazi fighters behind her. Think about it, who's better equipped to adjust the attitude of the Antichrist: Alice from "The Brady Bunch" or The Penguin from The Blues Brothers? Fran Fine-Sheffield or the casts of The Longest Day and Patton? Hazel, or the Dirty Dozen?
Best of all, if all else fails Maria can bring in the biggest anti- occult gun of all: The Pope. All that he'll need to do is employ the New and Improved Catholic Exorcism Rite. Damien had better like the taste ofsilver, onionskin paper and wax, because if he doesn't cool his jets real quick, JPII will shove the bell, book and candle so far up his keister he'll be able to taste them for a month.
- Mr. Silverback- A big 'ol can of whoopin' is still one of my favorite things.
Man, this is a tough one. Disney vs. Disney. It's the one most undeniable evil against itself. Let's just hope that Lincoln was right when he said "a house divided against itself cannot stand". But again, i digress.
The name Poppins looks a lot like Poppin, i.e., Poppin Fresh. According to my personal copy of Grudge Match Da Book!(tm), Poppin Fresh cracked Mr Peanut in half.
Now then, Maria was in an Animaniacs(tm) skit once. do you remember what happened to the Warner Bro's? (and the Warner Sister?) she nearly drove them insane with her inferanl singing! It was all the Warners could do to keep from bashing her skull in with a mallet! Do you know why they couldn't hurt her? It was because she had not directly done them any harm!
Though I personally never saw Mary Poppins spank either of the children, I'm sure that she has it in her to beat down a child when she needs to. Maria will never do that. Mary will be teaching Maria her upbeats and beatdowns within 10 minutes.
- Bri Rob the Caveman
Having been one of the lucky ones that was blessed with a top notch Catholic education, I can tell you right now that messing with nuns is an extremely bad idea. Triple so for children. Let me give some examples. I have heard of a nun teaching two children not to fight by making them fight in her presence until they begged for mercy. I have seen a nun dressed in a martial arts outfit wielding a broom like a staff. And I have seen nuns reduce many a child to tears without even trying. Need I talk about rulers and knuckles? And (censored - do not take His name in vain, young man) forbid that you forget to button that top button or *GASP* wear makeup. Most children are more fearful of their nuns than their parents. I swear that if every school had a nun as the sex education teacher, the out of wedlock birth rate would plummet into nothingness. And that's before she gets to talk to the girls.
True, Von Trapp was ousted from the sisterhood but I submit that she was removed for being too tough. I give five seconds of the Evil Eye(tm) before Damien becomes a whimpering snot and Poopins hastily catches the next umbrella out of town.
- Paul G.
But Maria Von Trap doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell now. At least one of them dies. Miserably, painfully...
- The Colonel
If you notice the position of the sun at the end of The Sound of Music, you'll notice that Maria von Trapp's actually taking everyone BACK INTO NAZI GERMANY. What a dumbass.
- Kilgore Trout
If you liked this match, check out these other past
Cinderella v. Snow White
Calvin v. Bart
Regan MacNeil v. Carrie White
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