Time Travel Match's Ritalyn Reading Room™

PEABODY: Upon arriving in 1995, we discovered that there was a certain amount of competition for the job of saving the Grudge Match. Particularly troublesome was Doc Brown, who turned out to be the same person as Judge Doom from Who Framed Roger Rabbit, and unsuccessfully attempted to "dip" us.
SHERMAN: Golly gee whilikers, Mr. Peabody, what's "dip" mean?
PEABODY: I can't tell you, Sherman, until we go back in time and prevent Disney copyright lawyers from ever existing. Hmm. I just might have found a way out of this quandary.
SHERMAN: Gee, Mr. Peabody, what other quandary do you want to go to? Canada? The U.S. is the greatest quandary in the world!
PEABODY: I make the puns around here, Sherman. To put this in layman's -- or Sherman's -- terms, I have solved our problem. The only person in the world with enough ruthlessness, malice and special-effects power to carry out this operation would be a lawyer from Disney, furious at the repeated and unauthorized use of Disney characters and even the Disney corporation itself in Grudge Matches.
SHERMAN: But how are we going to stop him, Mr. Peabody?
PEABODY: Nothing easier, Sherman. All we'll need is a makeshift ambulance siren to distract the lawyer from his dirty Grudge-eradicating work. For no lawyer, however rich and corporate, can resist the compulsion to run after an ambulance.
SHERMAN: But who are we going to find who can build an ambulance siren out of spare parts in an hour?
PEABODY: As it happens, I have located someone for this task, a Mr. Laurence Tureaud, I believe his name is, who has expressed an interest in preserving Grudge Match and his lucrative role as mascot...
MR. T: An hour? Man, it won't take me five minutes to build this siren if I got my duct tape! Gimme my duct tape and start my buildin' music, sucka!
PEABODY(voice-over): Well, that was all there was to it. Sherman and I soon had the siren ready to blare, and as I predicted, the Disney lawyer forgot all about his task and ran off down the street, shouting:
DISNEY LAWYER: Hey, you in the ambulance! Swear in court that you've got water on the knee and we can sue the Water Commission for millions!
SHERMAN: That was fantabulous, Mr. Peabody! This is the most time-travelling fun I've had since my bit role in Stan Freberg Presents the United States of America. Now Steve and Brian are free to create Grudge Match! But what's the lawyer going to do, now that he's messed up his job for Disney?
PEABODY: Don't worry about him, Sherman. He'll go back in time to 1969 and become famous as the lawyer on Sesame Street.
SHERMAN: I never heard of a lawyer on Sesame Street, Mr. Peabody.
PEABODY: You never heard of "Bert and Attorney?"

- Captain Corcoran - Walter Tetley, voice of Sherman, played two small parts on Stan Freberg's United States of America album. And you thought Python trivia was the geekiest info around...

Sherman & Peabody win for three simple reasons:
  • McFly should know by now that if you want to build a real time machine from a car, don't choose some lame foreign job that constantly stalls and for whom parts either no longer exist or cost roughly 95% of the GNP of Italy to replace, let alone fix.
  • Dr. Who is British. Probably means he's also a soccer hooligan -- that is, when he's not off taking his phone booth to the Land That Time Forgot (i.e., Florida). And being a soccer hooligan, if he does manage to get to Cornell, you know the very first thing that will happen: roughly 500 drunken Cornell frat boys will try to cram themselves into his time booth. Hey, where there's liquor involved, guaranteed: The Doctor Is In.
  • Sure, Peabody & Sherman are relative unknowns in this day and age, but thanks to their cartoonists, they do have a powerful ally.... There's no need to fear; Underdog is here! (Much cooler theme song than either Dr. Who or Back to the Future, too...)
As far as the mysterious villain who tried to wipe out this site I keep hearing about but never could find (what was it again....? grudge something-or-other.....) ....

Oh well anyway, I can't be sure, but some whacked out dude name Steve said he had this other guy Brian who helped him make this site. And then he said they were attacked by this dude with a tall, black, square turban and a red robe. He said the attacker was rattling on and on about some bald French captain, crimes of humanity, and being insulted by their pitting him against some crusty old wizard and a black helmeted guy with a scorching case of asthma, some rottweilers, and about a half dozen other weirdos.

Anyway, I did the caring, compassionate thing.... gave this Steve dude some milk and cookies to calm his nerves. And while he was nervously munching them down (all the while constantly looking over his shoulder as if that red-robed dude was after him), I made a friendly phone call to the nice fellows with the white suits and respectfully requested that they come pick up their stray, post-haste.....

He also kept calling me "Genius"... never could figure out why..... so I did feel a little badly for snitching on him.......

- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie

This is a match with three very solid competitors on a noble mission - saving the Grudge Match that we all know and love. However, only one of these fine teams can win. In this case, that honor belongs to Team Gallifrey. Compare the contenders and you'll see why.

Mr. Peabody and Sherman: While these characters were considered witty, satirical, cool, and a bit smart for their show, they are still cartoon characters. Therefore, they will have some difficulty dealing with the non-cartoon world, an area where such characters usually have trouble. Plus, this is 1995 Cornell University. A talking cartoon dog would merely be considered a hallucination (especially by the late Carl Sagan, who would have sworn off pot on the spot if he saw Mr. Peabody walking the halls.) Plus, you have Sherman, who is a very dumb assistant - not someone you want on an important mission.

Marty McFly and Doc Brown: A very cool team indeed. Doc Brown was played by no less than the same Christopher Lloyd who played Rev. Jim Ignatowski (a Grudge Match veteran). Marty is a decent, likeable guy. And they also have a cool car/time machine. But, when it comes to actually saving the timelines, it is always a close-won, by-the- skin-of-the-teeth thing with this team (as anyone who has seen the "Back to the Future" movies knows) This is likely the result of their lack of experience in time travel (they only made three trips).

Dr. Who and Romana: This is the team that will win! There are several reasons. First of all, they will have tons of allies, including the vast Internet Dr. Who fandom, past regenerations of the Doctor, and a platoon worth of assistants. No one else comes close in this regard.

Then there is experience. In this area, the good Doctor is untouchable. The Dr. Who franchise lasted nearly 30 years on TV and would have made it and still remain on the air if it wasn't for the BBC screwing things up. Add to that the vast quantity of fan and professional written fiction concerning our man from Gallifrey, and it is apparent that the Doctor and Romana will win this without breaking a sweat.

Finally, let me unveil a brand new factor that can be applied in this case - the Demented Astronomer Meeting factor. By this criterion, there is no doubt that Team Gallifrey will win. Since Mr. Peabody and Sherman are cartoons, there is no way I can meet them. I have never met Michael J. Fox or Christopher Lloyd. But I *have* met people involved in the Dr. Who franchise - a Doctor (#5 - Colin Baker), several assistants (Leela, Nyssa, Turlow, and Romana #2 who was played by Lalla Ward), and Jon Nathan Turner, who was the producer of the series at the time. And that is more than enough to earn points in my book.

How it will all go down is that the Doctor, Romana, and K-9 will discover why the Grudge Match disappeared, who was responsible, foil their evil plan, and save the timeline while the other teams are still trying to get their acts together.

- The Demented Astronomer

Are you kidding me?! Nolo contendere! I'm surprised you invested the commentators' time and your web host's Kb in such an obviously one-sided tilt. Although I will admit you've thrown your constituency a rather tricky Uncle Charlie(tm) by providing three contestants capable of time travel rather than a more manageable two, it is still a walk-over for one of the participants. BTW, the cop-out "it never happened" voting option overlooks the fact that none of the contestants would EVER give up. If someone went back in time to erase the contest from existence, someone else would go further back and prevent the interference, etc. ad infinitum.

Your minions are grappling with the mind-numbing plethora of time leaps forward, backwards, inside-out and up-side-down . . . I mean there could be innumerable permutations of events that happen, then never happened, are undone or God-knows-what-all! But most of the voters will overlook the obvious advantage McFly has by leveraging his clever assistant, Jim Ignatows . . . ummm, I mean Dr. Brown.

My initial, gut reaction to this match was to crown The Dog and His Pet Kid the champs because, as Steve so observantly pointed out, Mr. Peabody has successfully practiced revisionist history in virtually every age. But, Mr. Peabody is limited by his equipment. His WayBack machine (the makers of which I believe WWWF owes some sort of naming-rights royalties to) is a static device. It never changes. Oh, it works just fine and dandy, but the technology never improves. Dr. Who suffers from this same indignity. Effective as this plucky Brit can be, his technology is stagnant.

Doc Brown, OTOH, improvised technology during every adventure. From harnessing the energy of a bolt of lightening, to the disgustingly handy Mr. Fusion upgrade, to the supercharged locomotive, Iggy. . . errr, The Doc displayed an uncanny ability to adapt technology to any situation. Or as Mr. Peabody might put it, Technology on the McFly(tm).

So McFly and his genius sidekick take a quick side trip to, oh 2010 and confiscate some hydrogen powered, time-continuum contraption and reenter the fray armed to the teeth with new technology.

And Dr. Who, Mr. Peabody and even young Sherman all said, "I hate manure."

- The Mile High Think Tank in Denver

The answer to this match rests on who it is that has a reason to destroy the Grudge Match.

This is obviously the group that has been repeatedly humiliated by Grudge Match, not only can they never win but their enemies seem to be unable to lose. I am of course refering to the one the only STAR TREK.

Let's look at the history here. Khan vs. Luthor, Khan wins, this makes Kirk and Co think they have a chance to be a contender on this then upstart site. They brashly challenge the Death Star and are destroyed. Next we have the red-shirted ensigns vs storm troopers. The troopers that can't even hit the side of a barn from the inside somehow manage to finish the ensigns. Their lone non-red-shirted ensign Wesley can't even hold his own against a big purple dinosaur and is promptly killed, (ok maybe this isn't a bad thing) Worf gets crushed by Chewbacca, Deep Space 9 is eliminated by Babylon 5, Voyager loses to Battlestar Galactica 7 of 9 loses to Leia and Ivanova, and in the mean-time the Borg and Q are kicking respective butts.

All this one-sided destruction on the part of Star Trek has been held in long enough. They feel that the only way to regain face is to stop grudge match from ever happening, maybe also setting up a pro- trekkie grudge match in it's place, we'll see.

Anyway With that in mind it's time to look at the contestants this week. First off Doctor Who: This show could give Kirk et al a run for their money in the bad acting department. I admit to only seeing two shows of this so I'm nowhere close to an expert, but when they travel to another planet on the whim of a random guy who just appears in the middle of a battle field and tells them flat out that he's too scared to go after them himself, you have to wonder about their sanity. However this kind of stuff happen all the time on Star Trek. What this means is that the Enterprise crew will know what to expect from these guys and wipe them out before they can take three steps.

Next we have Sherman and Peabody, OK a talking dog and annoying little boy might fit in on most campuses, but we're talking about Cornell. It's very grassy, and could be seen as a dog heaven. Have you ever seen Peabody out and frolicking in the grass in any of his shows. NO!!! I give him 5 minutes before all of his pent up needs burst loose and he slips down some ravine and is lost for all time. And remember this is the place with Slope Day if he manages to avoid the ravines he'll be trampled when everyone and their brother head out to the grass and run up and down the hill.

This leaves us with our winners: Marty McFly and Doc. I almost made the fatal mistake of saying the the Delorean would be out of place in Cornell, and therefore easy for the Enterprise to pick out and destroy. But then I realized that we're talking about Cornell and not a real Ivy league school like Columbia or UPenn or even Brown. the school is in Ithaca of all places. They are so far behind the times that a Delorean would probably fit right in. With the perfect camouflage Doc can whip up some device in the labs and Marty can execute it without making a complete fool of himself. With the trekkies plot defeated they can wait until the summer (June 21-June 23) to get the heck out of Ithaca, like everyone else on summer break.

In conclusion the back-to-the-future-kid wins in 10 minutes, but takes 100 days to get back to his time, but the Grudge Match is saved for all. Allowing people like me to find even better ways of spending their time than doing physics homework.

- thebaumbomb


The distant cry is hear 'round the world. Somewhere in the dank bowels of our nation's capital, a mousey young woman is hunkered over a keyboard in her Cubicle of Death(tm). She is panting, eyes popping out of her skull. Several cubicle neighbors are hiding beneath desks or passed out from the sheer menace of the warcry from the cubicle of "that weird girl who always wears black."

Her face contorts. Teeth bared, she hisses at her screen...

"Nobody messes with 'Da Grudge Match."

A crackling energy begins to fill the cubicle. It's a good thing that most of her coworkers are unconscious, or they would see something more frightening than Godzilla, more horrible than It, more terrifying than Keanu Reeves doing Shakespeare... they would see Melanie, in the grip of The Rage(tm).

The energy reaches a blinding peak, and Melanie disappeares in a flash of radiation.

1995, Ithaca

In a dark basement laundry room, a light wind begins to circulate. Crumpled dryer sheets and long lost single socks begin to blow around the room in a whirlwind. A crackling fills the room, and suddenly a bright flash of light illuminates the substandard dryers. A figure stands there, looking normal but for the massive nimbus of brown/blonde hair floating around her head like a live thing. She pauses for a moment, sniffing the air. With an inhuman growl, she moves to the exit. She has only one goal: protect Brian and Steve.

"Are you kidding?? Webster would kick Gary Coleman's ass!"

*clicking his mouse through the latest news on the release of 'Generations'* "Brian, you could not be more wrong. I bet my geekserve group would have no trouble proving my theory."

"Yeah, well, my nerdnet group would thrash your geekserve group. Maybe we should post this on the Geek/Nerd BBS..."

*glances at Brian* "That's not a bad idea. Hell, maybe we could even make a webpage. I've been learning HTML-"

The think tank discussion is interrupted by a scream from the end of the hall. Steve and Brian exchange a concerned glance. The floor shakes as something approaches. The door suddenly bursts open and Melanie walks in, the ground shaking mightily in her wake. Energy crackles and burns around her as The Rage(tm) fuels her intent. She sees Steve and Brian and smiles.

"Grudge Match must go on!" she cries, The Rage(tm) infusing her voice with the power to shake the room.

With no further ado, Brian and Steve promptly collapse dead of heart attacks.

The energy slowly fades from the room. Melanie seems to shrink and her hair droops back to its normal state. She blinks at the two dead grad students lying one the floor.


A commotion fills the hallway as two figures rush to the broken door. They pause, assessing the situation. The more diminutive of the two figures tackles Melanie to the ground, holding her down as the taller of the two pulls some strange wiring out of his white coverall. "Don't let her get away, Marty. She needs to be contained."

Doc pokes on end of the wires directly into an open socket, then applies the other end to a pair of small clips. Squinching his eyes shut, he touches the clips to Steve's chest. A hum is heard, Steve jumps, and a moment later he is coughing and sputtering. Doc nods to Marti. "Go on, take her to the Delorian. We'll get her back to her time."

Marty and Doc, ten minutes before they left

1995, Ithaca (two days later)

"Man, she was scary. That was some rage she had going."

"Steve, man, that wasn't just rage, that was The Rage(tm)."

*pauses for dramatic effect* "You know, I bet if Gary Coleman had The Rage(tm), he could slaughter Webster."

"Dream on, Steve..."

2002, DC

A serene (if somewhat sheepish) Melanie clicks to the Grudge Match page to check out the latest fight. Cubicle neighbors look on in worry, breathing a sigh of relief as Melanie chuckles and mutters "Man, I love those Chihuahuas..."

- love, Melanie

Presented for your approval: The Low Down(tm).

Points of analysis for Marty McFly: Mentos Level Coolness(tm), Parkinson's Disease, the ability to summon the powers of the Almighty Mayor of New York.

1. Marty's coolness will unfortunately be canceled out by the Mentos Level Coolness(tm) bestowed upon our perpetrator, Stone Cold Steve Austin. (It can only be him, for he is a regular character on that blasphemous MTV copy, and built the time machine that enabled the Mahatma Ghandi v. Genghis Khan match with his own two drunken hands.)

2. The Parkinson's Disease will be a major factor, considering he'll already be too nervous to operate the DeLorean properly. This will also decrease his fighting abilities. However, this is clearly made moot by...

3. THE MAYOR OF NEW YORK!!! (trumpeted fanfare) Nothing can stop one who has the power of this minor deity on his side. Especially considering Barry Boswick's Clark-like ageless state. The only problem is, the mayor isn't the only minor deity involved...

Points of analysis for Dr. Who: status as a Time Lord, numbers, appearance on PBS.

1. I never got to watch this show, so I'm not sure, but if I'm not mistaken, his being a Time Lord makes him some sort of god. This is obviously a bonus.

2. Numbers. Lots of 'em. I never saw the show, but I did read a book about the companions, and there are loads.

3. Appearance on PBS. This, quite sadly, cancels everything else out. The only good thing about PBS is Monty Python, and even that isn't good enough to justify a win after being featured on the same channel as Barney, animals humping, and the Antiques Roadshow. (Which, by the way, is pretty good when you don't have cable and everything else is teenage pop culture crap. God, how I hate my own demographic.)

Points of analysis for Sherman and Peabody: cartoon state, historical accuracy, that stupid kid.

1. Shane's arguments on this pair's two-dimensionality are moot, considering the Rocky & Bullwinkle movie in which this proved to be no issue through Disney/Pixar movie magic. (That WAS Pixar, wasn't it?) Their being cartoons is actually quite an advantage, as it entitles them to do hideously unrealistic things. (Other than, of course, travel through time and talk without the proper mouth or brain structures.)

2. The biggest problem they will encounter is the fact that they never dealt with actual history: it was always some ridiculously skewed version of it. (I don't care how inaccurate the other two were. Neither could be as bad as this.) As such, they will probably not even arrive in the correct timeline and will, because of this, save some extremely gay-ified version of the Grudge. This would be the final blow if not for...

3. That stupid kid. The cartoon was cool, but God, that kid was stupid.

Considering all this, it would seem hopeless given the fact that despite Marty's slight advantage, they all seem to have failings that decide the match. But fear not! Four great heroes will step out of a telephone booth and save us all! Yes, I speak of Bill & Ted, the Excellent Adventurers, together with Rufus and Station! This team is unbeatable, period. Problem solved. After all this is done, Agent 5 from the Journeyman Project pops out of the Obscurity Dimension and arrests everyone involved, both heroes and villians, and the world may sleep soundly again.

Of course, this is all useless conjecture considering the fact that the most up to date physical theories state that there are infinite universes at every point in time, and therefore Grudge Match can never be destroyed, since there will be infinite universes where they have it regardless of its status in this one, as well infinite ones where it was never there in the firstplace. (God help those poor sods.) What a complete waste of time, whatever THAT is.

Here signed by the great, the incomparable, the sexy...

- 007Bistromath

Rufus: Bill, Ted, the world is in dire straits.
Bill: Dude, I thought we were done with you, I mean we are famous rock stars now.
Ted: Yea, what do you want?
Rufus: There is a new deadly force. Something so powerful it threatens your existence as rock stars.
Ted-Bill: What is it!!!!!!!!!!
Rufus: This new force is grudge-match. I looked it up in the data bank and according to my calculations it will be much bigger and more famous then you two combined.
Bill-Ted: NO WAY.
Rufus: Yes way.
Bill: Ok, we got it handled.
Ted: Off to the phone booth.

Bill and Ted set off to 1995 and stop grudge match just to have all the other would be heroes arrive as Bill and Ted attempt to stop grudge-match's existence.

Bill: Oh no dude, we are outnumbered.
Ted: No kidding, although I like the awesome car.
Bill: Wait we got a phone both to call people with right?
Ted: YEA that is right. You thinking what I am?
Bill-Ted: The Terminator.

And so our young travelers put in a call to Rufus, have him travel and reprogram The Terminator to kill all time travelers that would interfere with Bill and Ted's destiny as rock stars. Unfortunately the Terminator kills off Bill and Ted as well since there destiny was to be dwarfed by grudge-match's awesome persona. The Terminator in desperation to complete his mission travels and kills all would be time travelers that could ever possibly effect time again. Then serves as personal servant and body guard to Dave, Steve, Shane, and all other grudge match commentators. The Terminator saves the day as the rest fail.

- Heath Tindall

A very interesting match. I think the best way to determine the winner would be to look at how their advantages stack up:

Problems faced
You have to remember that Marty usually spent all of his time solving problems that he created. All the benefits were just accidents of him not being able to fix things correctly. If we are lucky this will just be a no effect situation otherwise he could cause more damage then he can fix. Point value: 0

Sherman & Mr. Peabody are a little better, but what was the most serious problem they ever faced? Most of the things they had to fix were problems with the famous people in question. They have never once had a case where someone was deliberately trying to destroy the future. Point Value: 1 because they didn't do more harm then good.

Doctor Who, for anyone who has seen the show knows that he fixes problems like this every single day. He has the experience, the skill and coolness to take out any problem. Point value: 5

Marty faced off against the local bully and nearly lost in the first two movies. In the third movie he fought an actual gunfighter, who turned out to be dumb as a rock anyway. Not that dangerous and none of them could travel time. Point value: 0

Mr. Peabody did actually fight some nasty people, once in awhile. Normally he spent all his time fixing the problems of incredibly stupid historic figures who made his pet boy Sherman look like a genius. But none of these guys could travel time either. Point value: 3

Doctor Who has faced everything from petty local nobles, to gun happy soldiers, to evil geniuses, to ancient gods with bad attitudes. And he has always beaten them. Point value: 10 (it should be more but I'm trying to keep this fair)

The Setting
A college campus in the late 1900's, not an easy place to survive even if you belong there. Right off the bat I can see Sherman hanging from a flagpole by his underwear and Mr. Peabody captured and on his way to being sold in Vegas as a new live animal act. So no points for them. Dr. Who might do a bit better, I'm sure he could pass for your average college professor with a little work but it would still be a stretch so only 1 point. Marty would be best suited for this, he would easily be able to adapt and blend in (well easily compared to the other two group) so he finally makes it on the board with 7 points.

Who can our contestants call up to aid them? Well Mr. Peabody could call on all the historical figures he has helped over the years, most of which were dumber then moose poop. No help there and no points either. Marty could call on his future self except that Doc probably wouldn't let him. Again no help and no points. The Doctor can call on dozens of side kicks that have helped him over the years, a few military commanders who's bacon he has saved, and at least 6 other incarnations of himself. With that kind of help he is nearly unstoppable and gets 10 points because of it.

Movies and TV
You can't have a grudge match without bringing up related movies and TV. Lets look at the numbers. Mr. Peabody and Sherman, side kicks to the Rocky and Bullwinkle show that didn't even get a mention in the movie based off the show, no points. Doctor Who has a successful TV show for several years as well as a single movie so that is worth about 3 points. And of course Marty and the Doc have 3 movies and a TV cartoon (which lasted for like 3 episodes) which is worth about 5 points.

So far the totals are Marty:13 Mr. Peabody and Sherman: 3 points and Doctor Who: 29

With all this in the doctor favor I say that history will show that in two hours he had successfully diverted his incompetent competition to some distant planet where they were all killed. After that he easily defeats the villains and takes on Steve and Brian as his new sidekicks for a series of dangerous and exciting adventures that would warp both their minds to the point where Grudge Match is born.

- Spamboy (I'm Pink therefore I'm Spam)

Let's break this down, shall we?

First off, Marty McFly. Sure, he has never failed to fix a timeline, and usually makes it better somehow. That's why he's here, right? He seems to have the advantage from the Mentos Level Cool Factor(tm), but that shall be his undoing. When the two time travelers arrive on the college campus, their first priority will be to park the Delorian. Unfortunately, since the doors open up, they will be trapped between the various cars of the students.

One down, two to go.

Peabody and his little friend will arrive unharmed, but ignorant of the current laws and customs. Peabody is not on a leash, and will therefore be sent to the pound. His companion/pet would try to intervene, I'm sure, but when the authorities talk to him, he will be immediately sent to a child psychologist. After all, he's an idiot kid who claims to be from an alternate time, and he is the pet of a dog. Wouldn't you lock him up?

Last one.

Dr. Who...is British. And we all know what happens to British people here, don't we? He'll be Force-choked by Darth Vader, and the sight of Darth Vader will bring in hordes of Warsies, who will trample what is left of the Doctor. That, or he will be forced to join the Soccer Hooligans, and will never be seen or heard from again.

So Grudge Match dies? Not quite...

Because of the simple fact that this match is being commented on, and that I'm writing this, means that Grudge Match is still here. Why? Because either the villains who tried to commit such an atrocity failed, or someone else stepped in. But who...?

Do the words, "I'll be back" mean anything to you?

You see, SKYNET found that the founders of Grudge Match were, in the future, the leaders of an organization (allied with Mr. Connor, of course) to overthrow SKYNET. The megalomaniac machine sent it's newest Terminator back in time to erase Grudge Match by any means necessary. In turn, John Connor and the Grudge Match League sent their own Terminator back in time...armed with Grudge Match Logic, meaning that the Terminator (played by Arnold, of course) has access to all of his other forms- the first and second incarnations of the Terminator, the Last Action Hero, The Running Man, the guy from Total Recall, both selves from The Sixth Day...the list goes on.

So the real question is not which of the three will fix the timeline, the question is can one new-age model Terminator stand against an Army of Arnold?


Two hundred quatloos on Ah-nold's Ah-my! - Green Brain
(Your obscure
Star Trek reference for the day)

In every single one of their adventures, Sherman and Peabody propose to visit famous historical figures to learn a few things. But when they go there, the occurrences that they view are not what is "known history," so they "correct" history by leading the figures into doing "the right thing." It's obvious, then, that most of the events in our current history were not meant to happen, but merely happened because that's what Sherman and Peabody made them out to be. So now, Christopher Columbus is credited with discovering America instead of Leif Ericcson, John Wilkes Booth shot Abe Lincoln instead of Robert E. Lee, and Dwight Eisenhower was the 34th President instead of Mickey Rooney. If these fellas "save" Steve and Brian's hobby, then they would probably create Grudge Match, but it would be a midget- tossing Cirque du Soleil website.

Marty and Doc Brown are none-too-successful, either - they merely go back in time for the hell of it, screw up something important, then go back and fix it, usually making it better than it was originally. If they save Grudge Match, it may grow so uncontrollably that it becomes a Skynet-from-Terminator type medium that turns against mankind and obliterates the Grudge Match Panel. And we wouldn't want that, would we?

So this means Doctor Who would get it, except he dies nearly every chance he can get. In fact, the good doctor will probably eventually morph into his sixth incarnation and start acting all ineffectual and whiny, or his eighth incarnation, and start slapping around poor Romana, thus wasting time, and wrecking Who's chances of saving the Grudge.

Because of the fact that Grudge Match must exist, and none of the travelers presented can win without messing up, only one time- traveler duo can save us now.

"Oh boy, oh boy... where am I, Al?"
"Ahhhh, it doesn't look good, Sam - Ziggy says you gotta control this 'Brian Wright' guy and make sure that he and some guy named Steve make Grudge Match into an Internet web page instead of a claymation TV show. Otherwise everything'll go straight to hell!"

Suddenly, a voice rings in from elsewhere. "Brian! Brian! I want you to come look at these figures I made for the show. And I'm thinking that maybe we could get MTV to buy the rights for the whole thing! Cool, right?"

Brian wanders toward his friend, although a bit more confused than usual. "I... uh... I'm not so sure about that, Steve..."

So, Grudge Match is safely created on the newly-born Web, although perhaps a little more awkwardly and bumbling than before.

- Charge Man

The first thing that must be done when determining the winner of this match is to deduce who could possibly have been so demented as to destroy Grudge Match! What twisted mind could have plotted this???


Anyway, you get my point. Who could it be? Wanna-bees from Celebrity Death Match? Mothers who are tired of their teenage sons giggling incessantly over jokes about a Rottweiler's weight in Chiuahuahs instead of trying to get laid? Barney's corporate lawyers?

Or something more sinister?

That's right, a force has returned to the scene to avenge itself. Using slingshot-around-the-sun-time-travel and incredible luck, Star Trek has returned to the year 1995 and erased from existence the website that has humiliated it so many times.

So, now it's up to the three diligent time travel geniuses to combat the Trek menace. This match has turned into a Back to the Future vs. Peabody vs. Who. (I dunno, versus who?) vs. Star Trek.

Star Trek can't win, thus the match is reduced to a contest to see which contender can defeat Star Trek the quickest.

Who is best suited for fighting off scientifically advanced opponents? (That's right.) No, I'm askin' you, WHO is best suited for fighting off scientifically advanced opponents? (Naturally!) I'M ASKIN' YOU, WHO IS...

Dr. Who, with the TARDIS time travel device, restores Grudge Match to its proper place in the spacetime continuum and lays the multicolored- scarf smack down on Trek with his knowledge of how to deal with Daleks.

- The Mad Josher

Well, with time travel, there ALWAYS has to be a paradox.

Therefore, the retro-active destruction of the Grudge Match will actually be caused by one of the contestants who are attempting to fix the problem.

There's only one group that's clueless enough to do this. One group that's previously lost their time travel device to an enemy, interefered with western history, and almost wiped themselves out of history by getting their own MOM to have the hots for them.

Doc and Marty.

As they arrive in the future to stop history being tampered by an unknown enemy, they'll accidentally run over Steve and Brian, who are crossing the street arguing over the tactical superiority of a rottweiler vs. a rottweiler's weight in chuihuahuas.

Sherman & Mr. Peabody would try to help, but Sherman gets accidently mauled to death by a large number of over-enthusiatic children who mistake him for Harry Potter, he dies screaming "MY NAME'S NOT HARRY!"

Mr. Peabody gets picked up by the pound. Depending on your preference, he's either put to sleep or adopted and then "tutored" (in the Far Side (TM) sense of the word) by a family.

With the future of humanity of at stake, there's only one man who can save us all. Only one man willing to go back to 1985, to prevent Doc and Marty from leaving for the future in the first place, causing the tragic deaths of Steve and Brian.

(Knock knock.)
Doc: Yes?
(a man in a brown coat and long scarf is on the porch)
Man: Are you Doctah Brown?
Doc: Yes.
Man: (Bang bang bang)
Man: I won't be bok.

Sadly, Doctor Who, upon arrival, was killed and mugged by a newly arrived T-800 model Terminator. His mission was to preserve the timeline so as to ensure Skynet's existence.

So, the Grudge Match survives, but 90% of humanity is slaughtered, killed and puree'ed by the machines.

- Shadowknight

We cannot determine who is most likely to save grudge match (and someone must have because--duh!--You're reading this), until we determine who is the vile perpetrator or perpetrators. So let's see: who has means, motive, opportunity?

First, means. The villain must possess the ability to travel in time. This rules out any Rottweilers or English Soccer Hooligans, Vince McMahon, or Bill Gates (I think).

Second, Motive. The criminal must hate Grudge Match enough to want to destroy it completely. That rules out such cosmically powerful forces as The Terminator, Mr. T or Calvin--Grudge Match has treated them too well.

Finally, opportunity. Our suspect must be based in the future or present, rather than the past, or he would never even know of the existence of Grudge Match. This allows us to rule out Alexander Hartegan, from H.G. Wells "The Time Machine" and Austin Powers. Who do we know who is from the future, regularly travels in time, and has every reason to hate Grudge Match to its very core and wish to wipe out of its existence????

Who else but Star Trek?????

Kirk's Enterprise, Picard's Enterprise, Janeway's Voyager, and Sisko's DS9 Space Station--all with the help of Q, still burning from his shameful loss to Emperor Palpatine--Have joined forces to destroy Grudge Match at its source!

Now, How would Marty McFly and Doc Brown deal with this threat? They could not. Never mind that Marty will be too dazzled by Seven of Nine, Dax, Deanna Troi and Uhura to think straight, but he is hardly the equal of Riker, Kirk, or Odo. As for Doc Brown, well Doctor Bones, Doctor Bashir, or The Holographic Doctor wouldn't have much trouble with him. (I mean, for heaven's sake, Doc Brown lost to KRAMER as Jim Ignatowski!)

Next we come to Peabody and Sherman. Peabody may be very smart, but frankly Data, Tuvok, and Spock could think circles around him. If Worf or Scotty don't simply eat him. Sherman doesn't bear consideration--I think Wesley could beat him up. Well, maybe not, but Neelix anyway.

That leaves Doctor Who. Doctor Who, who has experience in fighting galaxy spanning imperialistic societies. Doctor Who, who has enough foxy women never to be distracted by breasts-in-spandex. Doctor Who, who is British, and hence able to beat the stuffings out of any Frenchman, even if he happens to command a galactic starship. There is only one real threat to Doctor Who--Q.

But is he really a threat? Who was Q always afraid of on Picard's ship? Guinan! Why? Well, because she controls the Oscars, of course, guaranteeing that Star Trek will keep losing there as well. But also because she was a time traveling entity that went around meddling in other people's business, trying to fix the time line to the way she thought it would be. Ergo, the Q fear the Time Lords. Doctor Who restores the time line, in less time than it took to write this.

- Elementary, Captain, Elementary

We can take McFly and Dr. Brown out of the running right away. They spend most of their time running around cleaning up after McFly's own blunders or patching makeshift auto repairs; how will they be able to focus on any broader quest? Three movies (if the last one even counts) is really too small a sample-set anyway compared to Mr. Peabody's many adventures or especially the Doctor's 26-year track record.

The 1995-era contest between the two remaining competitors reminds me a lot of the X-Files versus Scooby-Doo match, in that the wiser choice depends upon the true nature of the problem. If this is a matter of merely canceling a historical figure's poor decision (e.g., Sherman: "Gosh, Brian, joining the Amish sounds like a lot of fun, but wouldn't you have to give up violent fiction and computers?"), Mr. Peabody and his boy are the better candidates, as The Doctor inevitably winds up in the thick of any trouble in a 1200- mile radius, if he even arrives where and when he's supposed to be. While he and Romana waste days in the captivity of McVeigh and fellow militia members or the radical Quebec Empowerment Division (QED), the Wayback Machine crew will jump straight to the task. Further, this "WWWF now encompassing virtually every medium" smells a lot like product placement, a la "All restaurants are Taco Bell" in Demolition Man, and Dr. Who is a creature of non- commercial PBS broadcasts.

On the other hand, if this is an epic confrontation against a force Ripping The Fabric Of Space-Time Itself, the situation really calls for a pair with Gallifreyan expertise and equipment. Also listed as assets are the TARDIS as an unassailable base-of-operations and the nine-lives factor of the regenerating Time Lords.

So, due to incomplete information, this comes down to a draw. If forced to break the tie, I'd go with the Rocky and Bullwinkle refugees, just because their soundtrack would be vastly superior: Sherman inspired the name of "Herman and the Hermits" (band members joked their lead looked like Sherman, but got the name slightly wrong), and I'll take "I'm Henry the Eighth I Am" over cheesy bargain- basement BBC synthesizers any day. Let's go with the right British Invasion music, shall we?

- Matt Bricker

Sherman: Gosh, Mr. Peabody, what's Grudge Match?
Mr. Peabody: Grudge Match, Sherman, was the dominant entertainment industry of the early 21st century. From humble Internet beginnings, it grew to encompass virtually every medium, making billionaires of its founders. And it all began on an ordinary college campus.
Sherman: That'd be interesting to see, except every time we visit history, something's always going wrong.
Mr. Peabody: And we always put it right, Sherman. I'll just set the Wayback Machine to 1995...

Mr. Peabody (Voiceover): And so we arrived in lovely Ithaca, where we perchance to wander onto the Cornell campus. As we walked, I noticed two distraught students...
Sherman: Gee, Mr. Peabody, those two look glum.
Mr. Peabody: Well, my emasculated young sidekick, those two are Mr. Brian Wright and Mr. Steve Levine, the founders of Grudge Match. Looks like the problem has already occurred...
Peabody Voiceover: But before I could inquire as to the nature of the problem, we were surprised to find... more guests.
*Show DeLorean skidding across parking lot, Doc and Marty leap out.*

Doc Brown: Great Scott! We're almost too late!
Marty: Hey, you two look familiar... that one show...
Mr. Peabody: Ah yes, the famed Doc Brown and Marty McFly. I am Mr. Peabody, the young boy is Sherman...
*Police box appears.*
Mr. Peabody: ...and what's this? Doctor Who, I presume?
Doctor Who: Correct.
Mr. Peabody: Fascinating. Now, which of you three knows what's gone wrong?
Brian: We do.
Marty McFly: Who are you?
Brian: Uh... I'm Brian, and this is Steve. There are a few problems. One, the campus server's been stolen. We got this GREAT idea for a webpage, but we can't put it up till it's found.
Dr. Who: ...and?
Steve: We didn't know any of you were real.
Doc Brown: Well, believe it! Now, to retrieve the server!

Peabody Voiceover: Our compatriots from the DeLorean thus began a campus-wide search for clues as to the server's disappearance. As they walked off, Sherman and I decided to ask questions to the founders of Grudge Match.

Sherman: Golly gee, what kind of website was it gonna be, Mr. Levine?
Steve: Well, uh, we were arguing over who would win between Webster and Gary Coleman-
Sherman: Who?
Steve: ...never mind. So we were going to post it on the 'net and put it to a vote.
Mr. Peabody: And it's essential that you succeed. Have you noticed anything... unusual?
Brian: Well... those two Pottsylvanian exchange students...
Mr. Peabody: Pottsylvania?!
Peabody Voiceover: Before I could react, a loud whistling was heard.

Steve: What the?!?!
Sherman: Holy smokes, Mr. Peabody! An anvil just crushed Dr. Who!
Mr. Peabody: I think I know what's going on now...
Mr. Peabody: I'M supposed to narrate, my friend. You help in the moose & squirrel bits.

Boris: Hah! The funny haired one is not going to bother us now!
Natasha: You mean the one with the car.
Boris: No, my evilness, the one with the police thingy.
Natasha: Ah yes, the Who fellow.
Boris: This is infallible! With Grudge Match gone, we can make Pottsylvania Match! All will come to our site!
Natasha: And no moose & squirrel to stop us! Perfect plan!


(Insert Dudley Do-Right cartoon here)

Mr. Peabody: Correction, we HAD FOUND them.
Boris: Hah! All time travelling fools now stuck together! Time to get read of the goodniks!
Natasha: Bomb away!
*A bomb with an excessively long fuse is lit and dropped.*
Sherman: What's that, Mr. Peabody?
Mr. Peabody: Well, Sherman, usually it is a cue to run before we die. However, I have an idea...
Doc Brown: What do you propose?
Mr. Peabody: Well sir, I'm a cartoon, they're cartoons, so that bomb...
Doc Brown: ...is a cartoon...
Mr. Peabody: ...and thus follows the path of most hilarity.
Doc Brown: GREAT SCOTT! You mean?
Mr. Peabody: Send it back.
*The two build a complex catapult in approximately .03 seconds.*
Marty McFly: Now what, Doc?
Doc Brown: Release when I say so, Marty...
*The bomb falls directly over the catapult.*

Marty McFly: Doc, I think we're caught in the fuse!
Doc Brown: We are, Marty!
Mr. Peabody: Well, I wasn't expecting that to happen.
Mr. Peabody: You fools! Stick to Frostbite Falls, this is way over your heads.
Boris: But we just want web site...
Sherman: Gosh, Mr. Peabody, can't we just let them?
Mr. Peabody: Shut up, Sherman. No one likes you.

Brian: Hey, look behind that tree!
Steve: ...who'd hide a server there?
Natasha: But I thought...
Mr. Peabody: ...that you were dealing with Bullwinkle? Do not underestimate me, foolish mortal.
Natasha: ...what?
Mr. Peabody: Erm, nevermind...

Peabody Voiceover: With Grudge Match saved, I returned to lab. Unfortunately, so had Sherman.
Sherman: So is Grudge Match ok now?
Mr. Peabody: For now. Of course, later down the line, there was the Brendan W. Guy threat, but that was corrected by a mentally insane fellow with a pair of safety scissors.
Sherman: Really?
Mr. Peabody: Yes, but that's another story...
*Fade out.*

- Devin the Time-Travelling Mental Hospital Escapee

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