In a trash-strewn alley, a DeLorean screeches to a halt. Footsteps and riotous yells echo in the surrounding streets, coming closer. A white-haired, white-coated figure races into the passenger side, almost braining himself with the gull-wing door, and the car peels out.
"It's more horrible than I thought, Marty!" Doc Brown gasps. "The whole timeline's been changed. This isn't the world we knew. It's a bleak, chaotic nightmare! We have to change things back!"
"Whoa, whoa, Doc," Marty McFly says. "Just what changed? Did the Soviet Union win the Cold War? Did the icecaps melt? Did Ted Turner get elected President?"
"Worse than that," Doc says, punching a date into the control panel as they accelerate toward 88 miles per hour. "Somebody wiped Grudge Match out of existence!"
"Gosh, Mr. Peabody, what's Grudge Match?"
A bespectacled dog dials up a screen on a large, complicated machine, as the young boy watches. "Grudge Match, Sherman, was the dominant entertainment industry of the early 21st century. From humble Internet beginnings, it grew to encompass virtually every medium, making billionaires of its founders. And it all began on an ordinary college campus."
"That'd be interesting to see, except every time we visit history, something's always going wrong."
"And we always put it right, Sherman. I'll just set the Wayback Machine to 1995..."
"...1995 Earth." Doctor Who makes one last adjustment to the TARDIS controls, sweeping his ridiculously long multicolored scarf out of the way. "Not my favorite period in history, but can't be helped. There's work to be done."
"Saving the hobby of a pair of students?" Romana wonders. "That doesn't seem very important in the scheme of things."
"Why not? I like a good laugh as much as the next Time Lord." With a grinding roar, the TARDIS sets off for its destination. "Now, I wonder who could have tampered with the timeline...?"
So, Dave, which time-travelers are destined to save the world as we know it? (Or is that "as we will know it?")
Marty McFly vs. Sherman & Mr. Peabody vs. Doctor Who
DAVE: We know two things about the identity of the person or persons trying to wipe out Grudge Match: That they are motivated by spite and jealousy, and that they have access to time travel. Personally, my suspicions lie with a certain lame-ass Grudge Match clone found on MTV, but that's not important. What is important is the realization that stopping these monsters will take extraordinary measures. And the team of Marty and Doc Brown has never failed to restore a damaged timeline. They are the only true adventurers in this scenario. They devise creative solutions to get around obstacles. They have never been afraid to throw a punch when needed. Can you really support a snot-nosed kid and his smarmy dog? Or some British guy who regularly gets pushed around by robots that are clearly made of cardboard and aluminum foil? I thought not.
Consider the time-travel devices our contestants will use. The Wayback Machine has a pretty cool name (later co-opted by Grudge Match), but in reality, it's big, awkward and imprecise. The TARDIS had so much potential, but a police box? That's really, really stupid. The DeLorean definitely has the Mentos Coolness Factor (tm) advantage here. Learning from past mistakes, Doc Brown will make sure it has a full tank of gas. Don't forget, it's now retrofitted with a Mr. Fusion (trademark pending in 30 years) so there's no need for expensive plutonium. In this phat ride (tm), Doc and Marty will be able to hunt the culprits up and down the timeline in style.
And make no mistake, the perpetrators of this heinous crime will stop at nothing. If they are thwarted in 1995, they will try to wipe out Grudge Match in other ways. For example, they may try to wipe out Grudge Match's first contestants, and the inspiration for the whole concept, Gary Coleman and Webster. Or they may attack Steve and Brian in their pre-college years. Both of these scenarios, however, would necessitate a visit to the 1980's, where Doc and Marty have an unquestionable advantage. While Sherman, Mr. Peabody and the Doctor struggle to make their way through a land of incomprehensible slang and weird fashion, Doc and Marty will blend right in and swiftly take care of business.
The so-called Time Lord can start drinking piss-warm beer and watching soccer. Sherman should go back to grade school, and Mr. Peabody should resume licking his own 'nads, because Doc and Marty are the only ones capable of handling this time crisis. Hello, McFly!
STEVE: Dave, I fail to see how anyone could possibly back Marty McFly on this one. He was almost thwarted three times by a high school bully with an IQ of a tomato! And all his delusions of rock stardom demonstrate that no matter how much time travel he does, he's mentally trapped in the 80's forever. And let's forget doing any time travel to the future for Marty; it's clear he can't go too much further into the future due to his health. If he does, he'll be unable to properly press the buttons on the dashboard to get himself home again. And that assumes he can even keep his DeLorean running since the company has gone out of business. Good luck getting that thing fixed when it breaks down on the side of I-95. If he's lucky, he might get one time jump in before he's stranded in whatever time zone he punches into the machine.
On the other hand, Dr. Peabody and Sherman can easily correct any flaw in history. After all, Dr. Peabody was the original prototype intelligent dog. His true genius has spawned all of our common day Intellidog (tm) creations such as Scooby Doo, Air Bud, Astro, and Lassie. But they broke the mold when they made him -- he blows then all away. He built a time machine. He has a pet boy. And he can speak English without adding crazy "R" sounds to it. Add to this the fact that he has a flawless record of fixing history, and is able to do it even while having to explain every last detail to Sherman. He's multi-talented! And he has shown his flexibility by working with ease in times ranging from ancient Greece, King Arthur's time, the Renaissance, the industrial revolution, and into the almost-present day. If you can handle all of those, you can handle anything.
Then there's Dr. Who. I assure you that any show that had to be watched on PBS is in a sad state of saving the world. Dr. Who is aptly named because...
Ahh! My hands are disappearing! I feel faint! What's going on? Ahh! Help m--
SHANE: Uh oh, our timeline-altering miscreant is erasing the future (or the past, or something) as we speak! Is there a doctor in the house?
As a matter of fact, yes: Doctor Who is In Da House.
The Doctor has battled the worst that a hostile universe could throw at him across every era, and always triumphed. Though not afraid of brute force, his chief weapon is his infinite cleverness, and his persuasiveness - two, his two chief weapons are cleverness and persuasiveness, and his acquaintance with historical figures throughout time - three, his three chief weapons. (Yes, I'm entitled to use Monty Python bits to defend the Doctor. John Cleese appeared on "Doctor Who" once, bestowing an aura of coolness you cannot get from candy commercials.)
Not even death stops him: he just regenerates, seven times and counting. It's entirely possible that all eight of his incarnations could descend upon Cornell, making his victory exponentially easier. Add his myriad Companions into the mix, and they could just surround the temporal evildoer and subdue him. Those Companions would also provide huge distractions to the other competitors: Marty would be hopelessly smitten by Romana and half a dozen comely ladies, while Mister Peabody couldn't help himself from sniffing K-9's backside, and getting electrocuted.
Not that they don't have other problems. Sherman and Peabody, being cartoons, would be limited to two spatial dimensions even as they flit across the dimension of time. Unless our villain is in a straight line from them, they can't do a thing. And Marty/Michael, with his roots in "Family Ties" 80s America, would suffer fatal culture shock upon being introduced to the 90s. (And Doc thought Ronald Reagan an unlikely President?)
The setting itself would deal the fatal blow. This is Cornell. Grudge Match was conceived in the winter. In a word, snow. You try getting a DeLorean up to 88 through four-foot drifts. Sherman and Mister Peabody would disappear from sight, even with Peabody on his hind legs. Doctor Who, though, in his most famous incarnation, doesn't go anywhere without a heavy coat and twenty-foot scarf. He's the only contestant prepared for an Ithaca winter.
Ask Steve. He'll tell you -- once Doctor Who has rescued him from nonexistence.
All Fail (no voting)
In a dark area between dimensions, a small shuttle hovers, emitting beams. These beams have the power to alter reality, however the twisted minds behind them wish. Aboard the shuttle are two figures. The small boy in the Starfleet uniform smiles as he increases the power of the Infinite Improbability Drive (TM). The purple dinosaur next to him giggles uncontrollably.
"Patience, Barney." Wesley says. "It's working. It's... yes!"
"Ohhh, we got them good! I got Steve to switch his major to dentistry! He'll be dull as dishwater in no time!"
"Hyuk hyuk! And whut about Brian?"
All seems lost. Sure, several parties have tried to stop them, but they have been dealt with. The Doc has been transformed into a burned-out taxi driver. Marty is now a Parkinson's-ridden geezer. Dr. Who mysteriously perished aboard an exploding Death Star. And assimilated English Soccer Hooligans have stormed the Chateau HotBranch!, leaving no survivors.
"Golly gee, Mr. Peabody! What are they going to do with us?" Sherman asks.
"Well, Sherman, I believe they are about to destroy us with their fiendish device. Now, I'll likely be gone since Bill Scott is dead, but you will likely be forced to watch The Littlest Vampire or somesuch." Peabody remarks. "Fortunately, I have invited another time-traveller to aid us. He will arrive in approximately 1.2 seconds."
With a roar, a very familiar figure bursts through the wall. "I PITY THE FOO'S WHO MESS WIT' THE GRUDGE MATCH!"
As Mr. T tears Wesley and Barney limb from limb, and Mr. Peabody calmly repairs history, Sherman comments.
"Golly, Mr. Peabody, I didn't know that Mr. T was a time-traveller!"
- Oxymoron ("Now here's a feature you're sure to like!")
You FOOLS! Do you realize what you've done?! Don't you know that the second you get more than three time travelers in the same era that you've pulled the proverbial plug out of the drain in the universe's bathtub, allowing all the dirty water (ie time travelers) to gush down into the sewer system of temporal mechanics?!
Oh, things will start off well enough, that is until Phineas Bogg and Jeffrey Jones land on Mr. Peabody, startling Sherman into stepping into the DeLorean's path. Dr. Who won't even be able to step out of his phone booth (I know, I know, it's a police call box, but bear with me) before it's crushed by Bill and Ted's phone booth, which in turn is landed on by Babylon 4, sent there when the Heart of Gold collided with it in hyperspace. While Marty is being roughed up by the Terminator, Sam Beckett Leaps into Doc, which doesn't help when Dr. Evil bumps into Bruce Willis, Jean-Claude Van Damme, along with Charlton Heston AND Mark Wahlberg.
To say nothing of the chaos caused when Kirk, Picard, Sisko, and Janeway all land in the very same spot via Convenient Transporter Accident (tm), creating an amalgam being who tries to pick up women with his bald pate while wearing sunglasses and whining about being lost...
Needless to say, hilarity ensues. Oh, and the Time Squad will convince Steve and Brian that they AREN'T the next big names in glam rock, and everything will be hunky dory.
If there's one thing that Sci-Fi television and movies have taught us, it is that time travel is a dangerous thing and not to be taken lightly. Even the smallest and most insignificant changes in past events can have horrific ramifications for the world as we know it. Step on a cockroach during the Mesozoic Era and suddenly the United States is a Communist country and Canada is ruled by Martians, all because that cockroach was the great-grandfather of the little bald guy from the Benny Hill show!
Or some shit like that.
The point is, time travel is dangerous, and just look at all the morons who've had access to it over the years! Bill & Ted, those midgets from Time Bandits, Homer Simpson, any Doctor Who that wasn't played by Tom Baker. With all these fools mucking about in the time-space continuum, how do we really know that this is the world as it was meant to be? Surely the popularity of Survivor and its many rip-offs must be some horrific cosmic mistake! Surely the fact that MTV now has almost nothing to do with music is the result of some boneheaded temporal paradox! Surely Celebrity Boxing on the FOX network could only exist in a world twisted beyond comprehension by the fuddleminded meddling of well-meaning dumbasses with way more power than anyone that stupid deserves. (Speaking of which, President George W. Bush is obviously yet another unforeseen result of some horribly botched time travel experiment.)
At any rate, getting to the match at hand, Doctor Who takes this one, successfully saving Grudge Match, the only thing that makes sense in this mixed-up world, from nonexistence, and thank God for that! I'm not quite sure how he pulls it off, but it probably involves the tragic sacrifice of one of his many marginally attractive female assistants. That, and tipping a few Daleks, just because they're even more fun to tip over when you're drunk than cows, but only because cows know better than to try to take over the universe. Take that, foolish cardboard and aluminum foil funnel on wheels!
- Don "King" Milliken
So, Grudge Match has been wiped out of existence. A terribly bad fate for internet dwellers (such as myself), but even more of a headache for physics types.
If Grudge Match is gone (in fact, never existed), then there is no possible way for anyone to destroy that which never existed. And if it was never destroyed, than it did exist, thus making it possible for someone to destroy it. Which means it never existed and thus did exist. Confused yet?
Well, I'm just getting started. Trying to save grudge match may turn out to be more of a disaster than a land war in Asia. Inconceivable! Well, no.
Assuming someone actually managed to find out about the destruction of an entity that never existed, they would also face problems. If they are successful, then they will have saved Grudge Match, which means that Grudge Match did exist, and is therefore in no need of saving, which means the actual match that saved Grudge Match never needed to happen, and therefore never happened, and grudge match never existed. Which means our intrepid heroes are unsuccessful. Which, through the converse of the preceding logic, means they were successful. Which means they were not successful. And vice versa.
So who is the winner of this temporal catastrophe? Sherman & Mr. Peabody. Why? Because they are the only cartoons in this match, and it is a well known fact that the laws of physics do not apply to cartoons.
(For headaches, take two aspirin and call me yesterday)
- The Phantom
"OK Sherman, ready the way back machine."
Later, at Cornell U.
"Ok, almost done with my brand new site. Grudge Match will be the
And so, we finally find out why GM never existed, but If it never
I wouldn't vote for Dr. Who if you paid me- everyone knows what people who always wear huge overcoats are like. No one would ever back him up, except maybe Pee-Wee Herman.
- The Amazing Rando~!
That stupid trick you did for Grudge Match did the following:
All Gone. Years upon years of my work, terminated.
Not only will I be sending you the bill for the repairs, but I will be launching a suit against Grudge Match Corporation for loss of property and mental anguish.
Of course, as in all litigious cases, these can be settled out of court. Not only will this require a new computer, but perhaps a Porsche and a new Condominium near the Waterfront would be appreciated. My "lawyer" will be in touch with you soon, as soon as he gets out of prison on Tax Evasion charges, finishes his classes, and survives his disciplinary hearings on charges that he "cheated" on his exams......
- Tahna Los
A wrecked computer is the least you should expect for trying to crash the Space-Time Continuum by erasing us from history. - Shane}
First of all, we can safely eliminate Sherman and Peabody. Their cartoon was made in like 1960, and their Wayback machine can't send them forward into time -- as it was designed to be a "should have been" machine for Sherman. Trust me, I've watched enough cartoons to know this.
Which leaves us with Michael J. Fox and Tom Baker, and the eerie timeline-altering foe. Now credit where it's due, Michael J. Fox is the man to turn to if your foe can be defeated by cute glibness. But under any other circumstance, I'll take a guy who beats the bad guys every time despite having the attention span of a turnip. I'm trying to envision a scenario where Michael Gross is the bad guy, but it's just not happening, so I gotta go with the good Doctor.
Okay, I'm just hot for Romana, I admit it.
- Lou the Inscrutable
I get it... this match connected to the release of the new Time Machine movie, right?
Anyway... of all the three methods of time traveling... the DeLorean would have to be the coolest way to go. It's a souped up sports car with our of stainless steel. Men goes for the sports car.
It'll be Doc Brown and Marty McFly for other reasons too. They got allies in form of Doc Brown's family, Clara, Jules, and Vern, the dog Einstein, and... a former Grudge Match winner, Bill Nye the Science guy?
How many of you caught the Back to the Future cartoon series back when CBS aired cartoons on Saturday morning, which includes, btw, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, another Grudge Match winner? Anyway, at the end of a Back to the Future cartoon episode, a live version of Doc Brown will voiceover a certain scientific principle, and Bill Nye will demonstrate it.
I don't recall if Doctor Who has any Grudge Match connections... but Sherman and Mr. Peabody were parodied in a Simpsons episode and well...
AUUGH! DAMN IT!
- Chaotic Nightmare
Shane forgot one tiny detail in his commentary. At the same time that Doc had Mr. Fusion(tm) installed in the DeLorean, he also had it hover converted. This detail renders his "snow" defense utterly useless as Doc and Marty simply have to hover above the 4 foot drifts and then time travel to their destination. :)
"Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads!" - Doc Brown
- "Weird Ed" Woody
What does McFly as a name mean? It means a Scottish flying insect. Anyone who knows about Scotland in the Summer knows that it's full of midges, Scottish flying insects. And when you couple Marty's diminutive stature with this, it is clear that we are talking about midgets here.
Well the 8 life spans of Doctor Who will have easily totaled more than 100 years. And as Mr. Peabody is a dog, he only has to have lived for 15 years to have passed that 100 barrier. For a dog to be so knowledgeable about time-travel and history and everything else, not to mention learning to speak perfect English, he must have been studying for well over that 15 year mark. Especially when we consider that he first turned up in 1959, and can still be seen today sometimes on the Cartoon Network (Tm). Plus all of that time does not even include the years of being a puppy/schoolpup.
What we have therefore is a case of midgets verses centenarians. And Grudge Match (Tm) precedent clearly shows that midgets can easily defeat five times their number of centenarians. So only having to face 2 will be a walk over for Marty. I predict Marty will win this in approximately ... 7 years ago.
- Gareth the All-Knowing Toast Lord (Tm)
Hold on a moment! If we are going back to save the Grudge Match from being destroyed, hasn't it already been destroyed? So in the time- space continuum that we exist in, it no longer exists. So we are trying to save something that doesn't exist. So if it doesn't exist, how in fact, can we discuss it, in a forum that doesn't exist? Furthermore, if we prevent it from getting destroyed, then we can discuss the possibility of it being destroyed, but in order to do that, it would already have to be destroyed and then it wouldn't...ah, fuck this, what's on cable?
- VooDooPork (The Other White Meat)
Since the term "Wayback Machine" is in use by the WWWF, it is obviously a gesture to the saviours of the Grudge Match - Sherman and Peabody.
Doc Brown and Doctor Who...
Now THAT'S what I call a "paradox" in the time-space continuum!
Let's break it down.
Equipment: Okay, the Wayback Machine has a cool name. And the Delorean is pretty neat. But if the bad guys go off-planet, only the Doctor will be able to pursue them. Although we don't know that the WBM can't travel in space...Mr. Peabody and Doc built their respective machines themselves. The Doctor stole his, thus upping his coolness factor. Advantage: Doctor.
Sidekick: Sherman asks too many questions, and when he does so, he whines. Romana is pretty and smart, but stuffy. Marty plays guitar and hitches onto the back of cars while on a skateboard. Advantage: BttF team.
Experience: I don't recall Mr. Peabody facing down anyone dangerous. Marty did have to run from Libyan terrorists. But he mostly had to put up with Biff, who is more annoying than dangerous. The Doctor, though, had to face truly terrifying enemies: Daleks, Cybermen, the BBC. Advantage: Doctor
Peabody and Sherman are out of the running at this point. The
decision will come down to...
So, with Marty's endorsement, the Doctor saves the universe from certain doom, and gets home in time for tea. (If that doesn't work, he'll go round up all of his female companions and get them to scream loudly and shatter the flux capacitor on the DeLorean.)
Entire panel killed by rampaging dwarves from "Time Bandits." Result:
Peabody -- dead.
But to HELL with all of these *snort*FICTIONAL*snort* characters! The real winner is the only man to have ever constructed a REAL time machine--H.G. Wells! Didn't any of you see "Time After Time"? Non-gray Malcolm MacDowell disperses David Warner and his cheesy muttonchop sideburns to infinity and beyond and gets the girl, despite his lack of dress-sense. Where's the "H.G. Wells" button?
well, i'm one of the many that has tried to vote that grudge match has never existed, but I was thrown into that time loop that i couldn't get out of because of that paradox. luckily, i was able to travel back out of that and cast a vote for Dr. Who. it was then i realized, if Grudge Match didn't exist, my grades would be lot better than what they are at the moment because of all the more studying that i would have been able to get done with the time that i would have spent here. being that may grades suck and the only other reason that my grades would be so bad would be beer and being that i dont have a beer tap here in my apartment, it must be that grudge match must exist for my grades to be so shitty!! therefore, you do exist!!! being that its hard to control the outcome of time, i would suggest that they would all team up so that the proper timeline is restored. two heads are better than one, and three would just kick ass!!! now, if they could just go back in time and stop the prohibition movement in this country so we wouldn't have to bother with having to be so old before you can legally buy beer here.
- BIGMRG74 - *I pray that my grades never go up due to a lack of beer!!!*
Dr. Who saves the day while Mr. Peabody gets pissed at Marty for knocking down his pine trees and starts humping his leg in retaliation.
- They Might Be Matt
Well, that 'All Fail' option certainly confuses me. If they all fail, and grudge match never existed, then I couldn't vote that, which means someone must have saved it, meaning I really could have voted, meaning it never existed.
This is why I stopped watching all movies involving time travel. Too many headaches.
- The Voice of Reason
A few questions:
- Master Doooom
Sometimes it pays to be a geek in high school. I was a devotee of the Doctor's until I gained my mobility from the house on Saturday nights. Not only has the Doctor survived through his first 8 incarnations (including that American-made TV movie of a couple years ago), but he was a mainstay on British Television (TM) for nearly three decades. In his 27 years on the BBC, he defeated nearly countless villains, including his own people the Timelords (they call themselves that for a reason), numerous gods, vampires from another dimension, the Yeti, cyborgs from the 10th planet in the solar system, a being of pure evil on numerous occasions, and the infamous Daleks, sci-fi's version of the Washington Generals. Handling a two- bit time punk should be no problem for him. He can do that with one hand tied behind his back after a comely companion trips and falls and twists her ankle upon some invisible obstacle, which always seems to happen. That is so long as he is able to stay devoted to the cause and does not get distracted by a butterfly or a cricket match, or Britain's Invasion of the Week Not Having Anything To Do With The Beatles (TM). If that happens, then I guess Peabody saves the day. Unless he starts licking himself. In which case Doc and Marty save the day. Unless his Parkinson's flares up while he is thinking of Jennifer (TM) in the shower again. That disease doesn't seem so bad anymore now that I think about it that way. In which case, I am not really writing this right now because the Grudge-Match never existed. Which means I must be looking at midget porno or something right now instead of writing this. Because without Grudge-Match, that's all there is on the Internet (TM: Al Gore).
- Mrs. Pell's Frozen Peas: Full of country goodness and green pea-ness...Wait, that's terrible. I quit.
I had a dream just like this tomorrow night.
Mr. Peabody and Sherman will win. Why? The power of the pun. They come from Rocky and Bullwinkle, one of the punniest shows on TV, and their own show always concluded with some truly terrible pun relating to whatever they had done. Mr. Peabody need only make one comment, and his adversaries will be incapacitated with groaning. Tie 'em up, and he has no more competition.
Okay, short and too the point. Mr Peabody is a dog, and Sherman is a moron. Doc Brown looks like he's sniffing something illegal, and Marty being the only teenager here is probably his dealer. Only two people can untangle the mysteries of a corrupted timeline as bad as this. The Doctor, with countless years and countless regenerations of experience under his scarf, will obviously be victorious over a cartoon and movie trilogy. But I urge you not to count out the dark horse in this match. You guessed it. The grand master of mucking about in temporal physics, Albert Einstein, runs in from the crowd and takes out the Doctor with his finishing move, the Atom Split. Much as I hate this, being a Doctor Who fan, I'll also include the fans chanting "Einstein Sucks, Einstein Sucks" to the beat of his theme music. Result? The Grudge Match website never exists, and is replaced by a site dedicated to molecular bondage.
- Hyper Intelligent Fish (Lets see if a sonic screwdriver can withstand an uncontrolled nuclear detonation)
Grudge-Match? What's a Grudge-Match? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get to the CBUB-Temple for the daily ceremony.
Man, I don't care about the Doctor, it's about Romana. Wow.
The photo shows the Doctor (Doctor Who merely being the name of the series) as Tom Baker, the best of Doctors. This confirms certain things-
1- The Doctor cannot lose his TARDIS, as he lost it once in this guise and they wouldn't do that twice.
2- The Doctor cannot be killed, because we saw this incarnation die (and be replaced by the annoying one with the question marks on his collar).
3- The Doctor may well have K-9 available.
The most important of these is 3. Not only is he a more-than-adequate match-up for Peabody, he is also the underdog (no pun intended). Nobody likes K-9, which is exactly why he always saves the day if featured. As K-9 was created by the Doctor, any win for K-9 constitutes a win for the Doctor. Also, while the trusty robot is busy reinstating Grudge Match it will leave the Doctor free to save Romana from the mortal danger she will have, without a doubt, got herself into.
Of course, some people would argue we should take the latest incarnation of the good Doctor. This could be one of two- the feature- length special made in about 1997 or so, or the BBC Comic Relief one with Rowan Atkinson. This is an American site, so we will ignore the Comic Relief one (not that anyone would have counted it anyway). I don't know if you ever got the feature-length one either, but I'll argue with it anyway. In this one the Doctor, having made his TARDIS all pretty with wood and suchlike, saves the universe from the Master who has opened the Eye of Something. He does this in the closing minute, when the Master has the power and the girl who was necessary for some reason. But that, while valid, is unimportant. The important part is that he was played by the guy who played Ford Prefect in the TV version of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. The Doctor knows where his towel is.
- Mark T
Sherman and Mr. Peabody by one of the most powerful forces in the universe: Process of Elimination (tm).
Marty McFly can only win when the antagonist is related to Biff in some manner. None of Biff's relatives could possibly be smart enough to put an end to an Internet site, not knowing how to work one of these newfangled computers and all. So while McFly will certainly be involved in some zany hijinks, he isn't going to save the Grudge.
I don't know anything about Dr. Who, and if I don't know anything about it then it certainly isn't worth knowing. He's out.
Thirdly, the Grudge must exist; much of my college experience was defined by the Grudge. If it never existed, then logically my college experience never existed. So I never got my Bachelor's, or my Master's, or met my friends or girlfriends, and I'm sitting at home watching TV, chugging a brewski, with a hand in my shorts... alright, so I still do the TV/brewski/hand thing, but not all the time.
Anyways, the only other viable choice is Sherman and Mr. Peabody.
- Adam B.
Isn't it obvious that they all fail? All of them will screw up in some sort of comical way and Grudge match will go the way of disco. It will be destroyed forever and no one will remember it. Actually, come to think of it, this Grudge Match thing never existed. What am I writing about? Something to do with a match. Maybe I need to buy matches. I'm so confused!!! Where am I? I need my medication.
- Evil Pop Tart
In a strange twist of fate (tm), all 3 contestants are able to out- smart those who would destroy Grudge Match (tm). However, because of his connections in the world of kiddie TV, Mr. Peabody is the 1st to figure out who's behind the plot.
Who are the insidious masterminds (tm) bent on destroying the Grudge Match (tm) empire? Why the law firm of GIBNEY, ANTHONY & FLAHERTY, LLP of course! All because you will make that billion dollars and keep your promise to post a picture of Barney (tm) and tell them to go to hell! They just couldn't stomach losing to you AND the San Diego Chicken (tm)!
- FerrisFan ML-'90
No!! Nuts! My friend and I were just about to e-mail you with a new idea for a grudge match!
Alexander (The Time Machine) vs Doc and Marty (Back to the Future) vs Doctor Who (Doctor Who) vs Bill and Ted (Bill and Ted's) in a race to the end of time! Who'd get there first?
Oh well. I guess I'll have to pick Doc and Marty for this one. But wait. If I go back in time, and make this match never happen, then I could wipe this from memory and send my idea.
But I already voted.
But if I go back in time and take back my vote then...
At first I voted for all fail, but then the vote totals didn't come up. I hit the back button, but I got a 409 error. So I went and a search for grudge match(tm) but didn't get any results. I asked around in chat rooms, but no one knew what I was talking about. Almost as if Grudge match had never existed...
Well, time travel isn't exactly realism central, so my bet's on the talking dog.
My guesses as to the creeps who are trying to take out this wonderful website would be a magenta-colored giant reptile, a geeky-looking kid in a Star Trek Federation suit, a guy with a grey beard and white turban, and several guys in colored plastic uniforms. There couldn't possibly be a guiltier party...
Dr. Who, after a complex twisting plot, descends upon the evildoers, and hands out the proper punishment. Bin Laden is liquified before he goes off to Afghanistan in 1989 - the events of Sept. 11th never happened. Barney and Wesley are forced into a recurring timepoint - they are forced to forever cut themselves to pieces with chainsaws. The MMPR are forced to watch their own junk over and over again - for eternity.
Justice has been served.
- The Colonel - back and loving it...
Only the Back To The Future guys would think to come forward to 2002 and fiddle with the voting. See how they won the match? Right. They might not have in the original timeline, but in this timeline they won the match and thus they must have saved Grudge Match even if they didn't.
You see, forgive my pessimism, but all contestants fail. Miserably. You see, this is all a massive conspiracy of the Evil Fox Network Zombies(tm) (otherwise known as "executives") to bump off Grudge-match and all other competition. Competition towards what, you might ask? Well, I have two words for you-
You see, they bumped off Grudge-Match to make room for their horrid "Celebrity Boxing" special. I have proof of this, because I didn't even hear about it until after seeing the current competition. In fact, I'm hearing bits and pieces of the trash show from the other room as I type. You see, Fox(TM), using the Wacky Nexus-Time-Warping Skills(TM) of two very disgruntled Enterprise crews, nicked Steve and Brian in their college days right before the initial Gary Coleman vs Webster match (details from the coroner's office are still sketchy, but the bodies were reported to be covered in numerous chihuahua bite marks). And since there was no Grudge- Match(TM), therefore no Star-Trek-Must-Always-Lose(TM) rule, Kirk, Picard, and company were able to easily blast off photon torpedoes at anybody threatening the Fox Corporation's evil regime. In other words, McFly, Sherman, and Dr.Who (Mr.Peabody, on the other hand, manages to escape and get his own show on Animal Planet(TM)). The initial victories boost William Shatner's ego enough to convince him that he actually has the ability to sing.
However, do not despair Children of the Grudge(TM). For another hero will succeed where the other heroes have failed, smiting the enemies and restoring the timeline. And his name is-
- Catie, Basterd Daughter of the Knights Who Say "NI!" (hey, you didn't make him Guardian of Grudge Match(tm) for nuthin')
Noticing some fine print in the Supreme Court's ruling on the 2000 presidential election, Dubya, Inc., discovers the ruling disallowed any Al Gore claim of existence as president. Using an oft-used political ploy, the administration makes Al Gore's political non- existence retroactive. No longer was he a Representative from Tennessee. No longer was he a Senator from Tennessee. No longer was he vice-president.
Not existing, Al Gore was, unfortunately, unable to invent the internet.
Steve and Brian tried to get Grudge Match going anyway. They put a scenario up on the dorm bulletin board with tear-away phone numbers at the bottom. People who wanted to vote or submit a response could call or leave notes on the dry-erase boards outside Steve's or Brian's dorm rooms. Unfortunately, it was not enough. Few people actually read the bulletin board. Plus, the matches were often covered by sheets of paper reading "Lose weight now! Ask me how!" and "I need a ride to Springfield! WILL PAY FOR GAS!" In the end, the only phone calls they received were on Saturday nights from drunks wanting to know if they had "Prince Albert in the can?"
Due to a signature from the president, Grudge Match doesn't exist.
- Mark Wentz
The Doctor cannot fail.
a) Coolness factor. If having one name is cooler than having two (Cher, Madonna, Bono, Sting, etc) then having no names is absolute- zero cool.
b) If comics have taught us anything, it's that certain events, people, and I dare say, web sites, are constant to all alternate timelines. Even if Bruce Wayne's parents live to be 100 and he is born with cerebral palsy, he can't help but become Batman. Grudge Match may become Whood-Win.com, but it will always be there. The Doctor knows this.
c) Unlike Star Trek, where they go to great lengths to avoid influencing alien cultures and timelines, the Doctor is actually the cause of much human history (he started the Great Fire of London, killed off the dinosaurs, etc). During this match he probably got mortally wounded and regenerated into Steve or Brian.
Finally! After years and years of people demanding an "All Mutilated and Killed Button" (TM), one has been kindly provided for us. Since the ballot has become so warped, just cast my vote for MST3K and be done with it.
Oh, and a word of warning: if you make the ballots any more complex, you're going to have people voting for Buchanan again.
- Zaphod Beeblebrox (who else?)
Dr Who all the way. Anybody who survived the BBC special effects department for three decades can defeat anything.
I just looked outside, and Biff Tannen is waxing Dad's car. I'm going to guess Marty won.
- Kilgore Trout
Ah, the Grudge match never existed... Suddenly there's more money in my pocket that I don't remember being there. A few books seem missing from my library. My diploma looks different somehow. Don't recall getting honors in anything... but there's these lingering, horrific mental images of Leona Helmsley battling with Imelda Marcos and the French army actually _fighting_ someone... Weird...
Well, "World Wide Web Fights" anagrams to "Dr. Who slew FBI widget." Obviously the Federal Government has attempted to send some insidious "widget" back into the past to destroy the roots of Grudge Match. Fortunately, Dr. Who intercepted it and destroyed it, then inspired the past versions of Brian and Steve to name their creation after the momentous event. Unsurprisingly, this not only saved Grudge Match itself, but the future of the entire world. Brian and Steve go on to become revered world leaders (think Bill and Ted, only funnier), and there was much rejoicing.
- Kannyn (well, what did you THINK was gonna happen?)
Marty McFly for the sole reason of media plot line outcomes.
Sherman and Peabody come from the creators of "Fractured Fairy Tales", which are known to have screwy endings. Odds aren't necessarily on their side. And not to mention when they appear back in 1995, the media will be all over a talking dog in a second. Sherman and Peabody will be so swamped with PR they'll never get a chance to finish what they intended in time.
Dr. Who is a renegade alien whose machine doesn't come with a lifetime guarantee, not to mention the series comes from the BBC, aka, England. English people have that funny sense of humor that has tendencies to leave the main character in crappy or anti-climactic positions (think Monty Python and the Holy Grail, or Blood Brothers).
Only Marty McFly is taken from happy-go-lucky movie trilogy from the 80s, which guarantees not only a desirable ending, but the victory of the main character over any other competitors. McFly in a quantum leap.
When faced with a crisis of this magnitude, I imagine all three groups won't mess around with huge, complex plans, and go with the easiest one available: Copy Grudge Match to disk a few minutes before it gets wiped, wait for the guy to show up and wipe it, and then put it back on, waiting for him to come back to erase it again so they can stop him (They can't stop him from wiping it as soon as he shows up, because this would cause a paradox in time, as they can't stop a guy from wiping Grudge Match if it never got wiped in the first place... or something. This is going to be one LONG response file...).
So which groups are can use a 1995 computer here? While the Doctor and the Cartoons use two of the most complex looking machines in history, thus meaning they must have some degree of technical skill, Marty McFly drives a car with a control panel in it. And Doc Brown made that. If Marty can't do it by himself, then he should have made sure you booked him under "Marty McFly & Doc Brown". This is presuming he doesn't stop off in 1994 to get a refresher course in compute... look, forget it, okay? He's out; let's leave it at that.
We are left with Doctor Who and Sherman & Mr. Peabody. Let me say, right now, Sherman & Mr. Peabody are screwed. Every episode of Rocky & Bullwinkle I saw, they had to go back in time and fix up some trivial error, like "William Tell had a poor aim", or "The White House was to be painted blue." Do you think they can cope with an evil force that wants to destroy Grudge Match?
And let's look at our perpetrator by Dave's criteria: Hates Grudge Match enough to hold a, dare I say it, grudge; can travel through time; motivated by spite and jealousy...
It's that damn Q again, isn't it? Well, Doctor Who regularly outwits super-powerful guys, so a Star Trek Mega-Powerful guy should be no problem.
- Mixmaster Flibble
The task undertaken by the trio of time travelers totally tempts one to talk of their titanic attempts to tame time, true triumph over tragedy takes two more. Trust Bill and Ted, toiling together, to trump treachery. Their totally tubular tactics trounce trouble. It is trite to tell that the tyranny of a Grudge Match free Terra teeters without their teamwork to trash such terror. The tribute is to them.
Is it me, or is Grudge Match Doctor Who's opportunity to aggravate civil war among the robotic Daleks?
"HALT! BY ORDER OF THE SU-PREME EMMANUEL LEW-IS!"
- Mike Leung
A silver DeLorean is the first to arrive on the scene... it blast thru a time warp and hovers on those stupid hover wheel things it had at the end of the first "Back to the Future" noticing a giant yellow humanoid structure with a souped up toaster... realizing that this was causing the problem doc and Marty fly up to the monster to fix the problem, all of a sudden they hear a thunderous voice "Stupid bug, you go squish now" and they did...
Peabody and Sherman travel back in time just in time (no pun intended) to witness a giant yellow humanoid with an oversized toaster squishing a bug "gosh Mr. Peabody this doesnt look like 1995!"... Mr. Peabody recognizes that this is the real cause of the grudge match problem and climbs into the giant toaster, however at this time the toast pops sending peabody hurtling thru time and ultimately landing in an all-sabre-tooth-cat alternate timeline during lunch...
Dr. Who arrives on the time scene to see the giant humanoid step on a fish evolving out of water, realizing that this foe is much more powerful than his usual carboard nemesii Dr. Whoo beats a hasty retreat, Grudge Match be damned...
Homer Simpson warps back to an improbable (however possible) alternate reality where there is only one show, ironically that show is "Grudge Match da Show". The grudge matches actually take place live on Fox... WooHoo...
- Mike gale
That entire grudge match is bogus. I like the Doctor just fine, I'm a big fan of the Back to the Future movies, and any anthropomorphic bespectacled dog is a-ok in my book, but none of these people are particularly good time travelers. Sure, they can drop in on any historic/future event they care to participate in, but once there, they all fall victim to lazy linear thinking. None of them have any real grasp of how to move freely in the fourth dimension. Trapped on a spaceship that's been invaded by Daleks? Instead of running around like a bushy-headed ninny, merely activate that sonic dislocator you hid in the steam vents next/last week, before/after you got trapped by the evil pepper mills. Better yet, go back to when the ship was being designed and have them install more staircases.
Or, say you need to go back and help the colonists win the American Revolution, but they're having trouble because the Redcoats are wearing sunglasses and the rebels can't see the whites of their eyes. Instead of some cockamamie plan to get around that, just grab Washington and a couple of other generals, drop 'em off at West Point circa 2000 AD, and give 'em a good education in modern tactics and a complete run-down of every troop movement, ambush, tactical preparation, and supply route the British plan to use for the next twenty years. Tell 'em to keep an eye on the damned Hessians, while they're at it, and watch out for when they start calling themselves "Germans."
I'm not even going to get started on Marty McFly. He's not a time traveller, he's just some high school kid who took a wrong turn at the half-century and almost scored with his mom. Forget him, he's not a professional like these other guys.
No, the true Masters of Time and Space, the Supreme Chronomancers, the Most Excellent Time Travelling Dudes, are none other than Bill S. Preston, Esq. and Ted Theodore Logan. These guys could think loops around the other three contenders. Plus, they ended war, famine, poverty, and all forms of human misery and un-coolness. Beat that, Doctor Who.
Ah, sweet memories. Like the Grudge MatchTM, my son was born in upstate New York in the Winter of '95. Before taking my wife to the local birthing center that night, I had to wipe the pools of liquid oxygen off the seats of my truck. This was typical weather during a winter where we got (as usual) over 190 inches of snow.
How do our contestants fair in this environment? Marty's vest is very effective, which is to say that he freezes to death a whole 6 nanoseconds later than Doc, Peabody and Sherman. Only Dr. Who survives in his wool coat and uber-scarf to defeat the WWWF's foe (I suspect the unspeakable CI Host) who must be truly formidable to even survive this frozen hell, much less threaten our existence. Go Dr. Who! My retirement is riding on those Grudge MatchTM stock options!
- Mr. Silverback- Givin' a shout out to my peeps in the 10th Mountain Division! Smooth kills, y'all!
Come on now!!! This Time Lord is nothing more than Microsoft trying to get back at GrudgeMatch for broadcasting the fact that Disney walked all over them a little ways back! Michael J Fox is a card carrying member of DisneyReich, as proven by his numerous roles in various Disney shows, movies, and cartoons (I won't even mention his work in all of the company's subsidiaries)! He's been sent by The Mouse to thwart Doctor Who (aka Bill Gates in a cheesy disguise) before he can wipe GrudgeMatch out and reverse the fact that he got his ass handed to him! Doctor Who is going to "SEE SOME SERIOUS SH*T" when McFly and Doc Brown turn his sorry ass into a speed bump at 88 MPH! The mutt and brat will survive as they are obviously Scooby Doo and Shaggy before they got stoned off their asses and became "meddling kids"!
- Disney Asylum Escapee
I take back all my previous comments. The *only* time-traveling team capable of saving Grudge Match(tm),(c),(r),(whatever), is (dun-duh-duh-dah!)....
Calvin and Hobbes! They've lived to tell the tale of more dinosaur encounters than any other of the "time teams," and even brought back photos! Calvin out-witted an attack by BOTH his past and future selves, and Hobbes wrote an A+ story of the whole thing! Plus, mild-mannered Calvin's alter egos, Stupendous Man, Tracer Bullet, and Spaceman Spiff will surely beat the bad guys. Hobbes...a man eating tiger, he defeated Moe, the dumbest bully ever. And who else would try to destroy the great Grudge Match(tm, etc.) than a big dumb bully who doesn't recognize genuis when he sees it?
On the way back from saving the future, our heroes will stop and give Bart what he deserves....losing that match against Calvin! Calvin and Hobbes, for saving the GrudgeMatchUniverse(tm, copyright, you get the idea), will become the unofficial judges. Whomever they say should win a match will always win by a landslide, defeating the purpose of jihads and commentators. GrudgeMatch will morph into BecauseCalvinAndHobbesSaidSo, and all will end happily for the duo.
But nooo.....had to put a boy with a dumb *DOG* as a contestant, instead!
- Elle, the brunette
I bet whoever did it was just pissed off because he never got an ROTW medal...or even a Final Word(tm).
- Matthew J.D. Moir
All three contestants have repeatedly altered the timeline in the past (though in circumstances like this, "past" is a fairly relative term), and have done so with an exceptional degree of success. Marty McFly has redirected the course of major historical events in the course of an hour and a half, while the good Doctor has altered several timelines significantly over the course of an hour.
Peabody and Sherman have also successfully altered the timeline countless times, but they've done so in *SEVEN MINUTES.*
By the time Doctor Who and Marty even realize what's going on, Peabody and Sherman have already figured out the problem, solved it, and gone home for tea and biscuits (dog biscuits that is).
- Servitor 2152
Of course Dr. Who will win. He's an English Who(ligan).
- David Speyer
Looking at the competitors in this grudge match, Dr. Who is clearly head and shoulders above and rest, and for one simple reason he is a PROFESSIONAL! Compare our time travelers to the characters in Pulp Fiction and you will see what I mean:
Marty McFly and Doc Brown are like Jules and Vincent. Kinda messy, sometimes get the job done, one is much cooler than the other but we aren't sure which. Get themselves into messes and have to be rescued (by dumb luck in the case of McFly, by someone else in Pulp)
Sherman & Mister Peabody are like that stupid kid, Martin who gets his head blown off in the back of Jules' car. Especially Sherman.
Dr. Who is like Winston (the) Wolf played by Keitel. 20 minute drives are done in 16 minutes, and when he's done, everything is neat, clean and tidy.
Here's how it plays out: Doc Brown accidentally blows away Sherman and Peabody in the back of the DeLorean. Marty and Doc then get their car trashed and their arses kicked by English Soccer Hooligans(tm) who are sympathetic to both Dr. Who (having watched him on BBC since they were wee ones) and to Grudge Match (who would say "no" to a good fight?) Doctor Who wins in negative eight minutes, tops.
I've come to the conclusion (a Surge-induced conclusion, no less, gentlemen) that many are voting for Marty McFly perhaps due to the fact that the actor to portray him is currently battling Parkinson's Disease.
However, Michael J. Fox's Parkinson's must contend with the myriad afflictions of the entire decades-long cast of Doctor Who, including, for example, alcoholism, senility, bipolar disorder, bad Shakespearian acting, ferret infestations, and the fact that some cast members were raised in rural Scotland.
In short, as I'm your typical female, I'll have to go with the one I wouldn't mind putting out for. Eighth Doctor, per-owl.
The Wayback machine, TARDIS and DeLorean all arrive in 1995 with enough time to stop Grudge-Match from being created. We find that Bill & Ted, The Enterprise, Superman, and Q are all angry about having lost past Grudge-Matches. They have all used their various methods of time travel (qv) to come back and wreak vengeance the likes of which sore losers have never seen. So its three against four, with the odds stacked heavily towards the bad guys.
But wait! What's this? The Terminator has just arrived on the scene! This two-time winner wants to make sure nothing happens to his perfect record! So now, the forces are even, and they all have to square off against each other, winner take all.
Q and the Enterprise are immediately KO'd by the terrible win-loss ratio anything Star Trek is associated with. Even Q can't stand up against the overwhelming will of the People(tm). Dr. Who pulls out a Sonic Screwdriver and uses it to render Bill and Ted's Phone Booth inoperable. "If there's anything I can't stand, Romana, its a copycat."
Superman begins wiping the walls with everyone else. The Terminator just can't affect him, and his Heat Vision (tm) make short work of the TARDIS, the DeLorean, and the Wayback Machine. Afterwards, he kills Brian and Steve (morality being a small price to pay for pride). So all is lost? Not so fast, bucko! In his overexuberance, Superman and his buddies have created such a spectacle on campus, that the IDEA of Grudge-Match has inadvertently been caused by the forces who wanted to prevent it in the first place! Unable to grapple with this magnitude of temporal paradox, Superman resigns himself to defeat, and Grudge-Match survives, although the names of the creators have been changed to protect the space-time continuum.
Dave is right about Marty and Doc slam dunking this one but not for the reasons that he pointed out. If you think about this fourth dimensionally you'll realize three things:
A. Marty McFly is descended from IRISH immigrants (who survived the
Old West) as told in the third installment of Back To The Future!
By knowing these three things we realize that the following will happen:
1. As soon as they arrive on the scene Doc will toss Marty a bottle
of whiskey kept in the glove box of their car.
NOT EVEN THE GREAT SAINT MR T IS MIGHTY ENOUGH TO STOP A HORNY DRUNKEN TEENAGE IRISH WEREWOLF BACKED UP BY NUCLEAR WEAPONS!!!
- Slave for Uncle Sam
Sherman and Peabody enter 1995, when Peabody has a thought: "Hold on, Sherman - if we travelled back in time and saved the Grudge Match - then it should have already existed in the future, which means we failed, which means-" and they promptly vanish in a puff of logic.
Dr. Who and crew, enter 1995 when the doctor ponders: "Wait a minute- if someone wiped out the Grudge Match's very existence, how did we know about it in the first place?", and they, too, vanish in a puff of logic.
Marty McFly and Doc enter 1995, save the Grudge Match and go back to their own time. How?
Back to the Future was a Hollywood Blockbuster (tm), you see. They don't care much about logic in those.
- Boba Foot
For those that can't get enough, head over to the Time Travel Match's Ritalyn Reading Room.
"So, Sherman, now that we've successfully put everything back in its
rightful place, there's a lesson to be learned from all this."
Next Match: Two hours lost...
Next Match: Two hours lost...
© 2002, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC