A loud crash from a corner of the junkyard draws the interest of a gaggle of neighbourhood kids. They quickly run over to the site of the ruckus.
"Man, I bet that's just some of the neighborhood foxes trippin' all over themselves to get a piece of me," says Rudy, patting down his 'fro as he skirts around a pile of used sofas.
"Rudy," the 3-foot tall Russell says, "they oughta call you paratrooper."
"Cuz any lady that gets a look at your ugly face'll soon be callin' a pair of troopers to haul you off to the slammer!" replies Russell.
The largest member of the group huffs and puffs his way to the scene of the commotion. "Hey hey hey..." says Fat Albert. "Who found their way into our junkyard today?" Spotting the source of the noise, he leans over and picks up a curious, horn-shaped item.
A rather large man makes his way over to the kids. "Heh heh heh. Sorry about the surprise entrance there, boys," chuckles Professor Sherman Klump. "I, uh, borrowed some Flubber (tm) from my friend Professor Brainard, and I seem to have, uh, accidentally gotten some on my latest discovery. I... er... I see you've found it."
"I've... I've been after that for a long time and have just come into possession of the fabled Horn of Plenty." He hungrily gazes at the Horn as various members of Klump's immediate family make their way through a hole in the junkyard fence. "That horn produces all the finest and most delicious foods you could ever want to eat, in perpetuity." He pauses as saliva starts to trickle down from the corners of his mouth. "I'd like it very much if I could have it back now, son."
The light around Fat Albert actually starts to dim. His eyes form narrow slits as he says in an uncharacteristically feral voice, "If you leave now, I will let you live."
"Sherman, what the hell are you waiting for?" says Grandma Klump as a completely unnecessary provocatory gesture. "Kick that boy's ample ass!"
So, Steve, which humongous hombre ends up holding the horn?
STEVE: There's no doubt about it, Klump is going to squash Fat Albert and The Cosby Kids before you can say "All you can eat buffet". The most obvious reason to begin with is age. In general, any adult is going to whoop a kid. Size, strength, and experience are just too much better as you get older. You just don't often see kids successfully taking on adults in a physical match unless you spend too much time watching Spy Kids or Disney. A second blatant reason is speed. Have you ever watched Fat Albert and pals do anything? It's always animated v-e-r-y--s-l-o-w-l-y. They kind of mosey from scene to scene, and there's just not a whole lot of movement going on. They seem to be physically limited by the animators to not do anything that requires a whole lot of motion. Definitely not a plus going into a fight. Klump, on the other hand, is full of comedic, wacky movement, which can happen at great speed. This is kind of like Neo being bored while taking on agents in The Matrix. No contest.
Another overwhelming factor that assures Klump's victory is the men behind the competitors. Fat Albert, played by Bill Cosby, is a quiet, retrospective, instructional man. Klump on the other hand, is played by Eddie Murphy. Eddie is a loud, rambunctious guy who doesn't care for rules and usually gets what he wants. Is there really a contest here?
The only lesson that Fat Albert is going to learn in this episode is how to take a whoopin'.
JOHN: Steve, you're making about as much sense as Mushmouth. Clearly, Fat Albert and the gang are going to lay a beating on Klump and his family. It's gonna be N.C.: No contest!
First of all, Fat Albert is clearly the single fattest person in this fight, if not in human history. So in any one-on-one sumo-style encounter, you can count on Fat Albert to lay out some Big Pun. Moreover, I have no idea where you get the idea that Fat and the Gang are slow. As I remember, the interstitial scenes of them running had them running so fast, their feet hardly ever touched the ground. Fat Albert, in particular, ran like a great big graceful 500 pound gazelle. You know, the kind that hungrily devours hyenas and lions as mid-morning snacks. Albert will need the Horn of Plenty's full caloric output to merely maintain his weight, so he'll be on that horn like a hungry hawk on a chihuahua.
I also don't think that the kids are naturally worse fighters than the adults. With the exception of Hercules, Hercules, Hercules, all of the Klumps are well past their peak fighting years, whereas the Cosby Kids are all at or approaching their physical primes. Frankly, Grandma Klump seems more interested in lovemaking than fighting, so count her out of this fight the second the pimpstrutting Rudy enters the picture. Moreover, Klump is always being undermined by Dean Richmond, or some other meddling functionary, not to mention trying to keep Buddy Love under control. By contrast, the Cosby kids seem to have no natural enemies, and could in fact receive assistance from the Harlem Globetrotters or other crossover cartoon stars. Also, the Kids will have the crazy bum Mudfoot on their side, so that could neutralize at least two or three Klumps from the smell alone.
STEVE: John, clearly you're delusional. The other Klumps won't be distracted by such games, simply because the other Klumps are under the complete control of Sherman. You see, since really they're all Eddie Murphy, you don't actually have to worry about Grandma being distracted by Rudy and his cool orange cap. Eddie (Sherman) controls them all. In fact, if Eddie can handle playing so many characters simultaneously, then such a mindless task as beating up some street kids looks completely trivial in comparison, don't you think?
One thing you say is indeed true however -- Fat Albert likely is the fattest person in human history. And if this is true, then all Klump really needs to do is one simple thing to utterly defeat Fat Albert. "Albert my boy, would you like this delectable mint? It's wafer thin!" Then, a la Mr. Creosote, Fat Albert will accept the mint (his perpetual hunger offers no other possibility, really), and then simply explode by the addition of just too much extra mass. True, it'll be a disgusting mess of shreds of orange sweater mixed with Philly Cheesesteaks raining down on him, but the outcome remains the same. Victory: Klump.
JOHN: You heard it here first, folks. According to Steve, the elderly overweight can beat street thugs. Wow. Is this the same Steve that learned the painful lesson that the elderly couldn't beat midgets at 5-to-1 odds?
No, that Steve died in 1996. Apparently, the new Clone Steve hasn't processed that information yet. Look, Steve II, clearly Fat Albert will be unbelievably motivated to get the horn of plenty, as his given name of "Fat" indicates. Klump, however, is the "Nutty" professor, indicative of his whimsical, lighthearted nature. In the movies, he constantly laments to himself what a softie he is. And this is the guy that's going to roll over Big Poppa Albert? I don't think so. Maybe Randy Jackson or Al Roker could give Fat a run for his money, but not this guy.
Besides, many of our readers were breastfeeding the last time Eddie Murphy was a "rambunctious guy who doesn't care for rules and usually gets what he wants". The Eddie Murphy of late, of Adventures of Pluto Nash and Daddy Daycare, is about as dangerous and subversive as Gallagher. You want to know what's dangerous? Kids who fashion musical instruments out of radiators, broken box springs and garbage cans that perform so well that they sound like polished studio musicians. With this track record, expect the Cosby Kids to make homemade flamethrowers and plasma guns from old tennis shoes and fingernail clippers.
In the end, the Cosby Kids rout the Klumps and sing a song (with their junkyard instruments) about how they learned to maim and kill with ordinary junkyard objects. Na na na, gonna have a good time!
Thanks to the many people that suggested this or a similar match
Klump and Fat Albert each grab onto the Horn in an obese tug of war. The other Cosby Kids and Klump's family shout for their champions. The Horn tears in half spilling food all over the junkyard. Scene cuts to Bill Cosby doing his funny voice moral-of-the-story routine. "Ya see! When ya horn in and don't wanna share, sometimes ya end up dumping your lunch on the floor! But I think ol' Fat Albert and his new Nutty friend have a few more surprises in store..."
Scene cuts back to the junkyard where Albert and Sherman both sit on their rotund rumps with a dizzy confused look on their faces. Then a noise catches their attention as the Fat Boys dance into the junkyard singing "All You Can Eat", scarfing pizza, hoagies and whole chocolate cakes off the ground. Klump looks at Albert and asks "are you thinking what I'm thinking?". Albert smiles and says "Hey! Hey! Hey! I'm hungry for some jam today!". Everybody grabs a piece of junk and the music begins! Albert plays his trademark bedspring and Klump blows out a tuba lead on the magically restored Horn of Plenty. Food rains from the sky til the song ends with everyone lying on the ground bloated from overeating, too full to move. That's when Weird Al Yankovic shows up.
Yeah, it would be easy to give this fight to Fat Albert. Easy as pie. Nice, warm, delicious, fresh on the window sill apple pie...
Oh, yeah, the fight. Two of the fattest brothers on the block sluggin' it out for the Horn o' Plenty. Like I was saying, it would be easy to vote for F.A. After all, he easily outweighs Sherman by at least 100 pounds, and when you come down to it, in this battle, size DOES matter (patent pending after legal issues with Godzilla).
But Sherman is holding an ace up his sleeve. Actually, all four of them. That's right, it's his immediate family that will decide what happens here. All it will take is one Klump to not only do away with the Cosby Kids, but to come to Sherman's aid, throwing the match easily into his favor, and Fat Albert onto his expansive posterior.
Picture it. There's Ernie Klump, Sr., he who bears the fat that is mistaken at times for muscle: in science, "fuscle". With that size and strength (along with an affinity for loose fitting jogging outfits and baggy pants) undoubtedly comes Big-Man's Rage (tm); harnessing that, he will easily brawl the Cosby Kids away. And if he fails, there's always Ernie Jr., little Hercules that he is.
Hell, Grandma and Mama Klump could do the job. Grandma could simply make some intimations on her rather... "loose" past, thus causing anyone who isn't used to hearing that kind of talk to, for lack of a better term, "toss their cookies" (and remember, wasted cookies makes for a sad Fat Albert). Mama Klump could simply pinch their cheeks and "Her-Ka-Lees" them all to annoyance.
And Papa Klump... oh, dear Lord, let's not loose THAT on the unwitting populace. If Papa enters this fight and has been to Taco Bell within the last 72 hours, you do NOT want to be around for the horror that would follow: a stench that would destroy all living things within, easily, a 20 block radius. It would go down in history as the Great Chalupa Holocaust (with extra cheese).
So, in the end, the Klumps, working together like any good family would, will walk away, Horn in hand, leaving some bruised and stink'd up Cosby Kids, and Fat Albert... well, let's just say he's fallen and he can't get up.
- Mithrandir- Outraged that, as a Mets fan, Mo Vaughn was not included in this match.
Expecting an aging academic to win a physical battle with a kid who grew up in The Projects during the golden age of tough ghetto culture is preposterous enough. When you add that the ghetto kid is the neighborhood football hero, it becomes even more lopsided. (I should perhaps explain, for the many who are no doubt unfamiliar with the obscure sport of American football, that it is a rough physical game somewhat resembling rugby.)
Professor Klump's last hope vanishes when you realize that not only is Fat Albert the tougher of the two, he is also the more intelligent.
He is not an intellectual or an academic, because he went to ghetto public schools. And, being uneducated, he turned his brainpower to the field that has been the time-honored pursuit of those whose native genius for science and engineering has not been matched by corresponding education: building hot-rods. Fat Albert became a car hacker. And few car hackers have ever taken on a project as challenging as that which Fat Albert built: he mated a junked old family sedan with a WWII airplane engine. Could Sherman Klump, if he grew up in the same neighborhood and went to the same schools, have accomplished as much?
If the field of choice for ghetto hackers had been Mad Science, as pioneered by the late Dr. Frankenstein, then Klump would probably be performing moderately impressive wonders, such as splicing the head of a beautiful woman onto the body of an orangutan. Albert, on the other hand, would attach the head of a hammerhead shark to the body of a cypress tree, and make it work.
Albert and Klump are about to start their sumo-wrestling bout, when suddenly we hear a familiar voice.
"Heyy heyy heyy! Where ma' hommies at? Yo i need some phat bitches for ma' crib yo!"
Albert stares in disbelief. It is his South Park alter-ego, Fat Abbot.
But Albert isn't the only one with help. Klump opens a door, revealing all the rest of the Klump family. In other words, 10 Eddie Murphy clones.
Now let's say 1 Eddie Murphy is worth 10 Loser Points (TM). This means that TEN Eddie Murphies are worth 100 Loser Points (TM). Fat Albert and Fat Abbot, having 50% South Park Power (TM), waste the Klumps like it ain't no thang.
John, you're horribly mistaken. Gallagher IS dangerous and subversive. I went to one of his outdoor shows at the Punxatawney County Fair last summer, and I tell you no lie when I say the "moustachioed one" snapped a few appendages off of rowdy front row fans. And let's not mention the watermelon seeds flying into my eyes at high speeds! As my Uncle Padraig told me on his dying day, "Never trust a hick with a sledgehammer."
- Grudge-Pops: Now in lockjaw-free style!
Perhaps Fat Albert is a thirteen-year-old who's three breaths away from a heart attack, but Sherman Klump lives under the shadow of "not as funny as Jerry Lewis." Game, set, match.
- Charge Man
If i remember correctly, their was a south park parody of fat Albert.
Fat Abbot: hey, Hey, Hey! What's going on rudy?
With all due respect, i think that if the Fat Albert spinoff is this hard-core, then Fat Albert will make it through, X-rated grandma be damned.
- Potman the Predator (Does anyone else find morbidly obese african-american men/children fighting to the death over nachos disturbing too?)
Anybody who can help transform a yard full of seemingly useless junk and scrap metal into a seven piece orchestra has got to be an improvisational weapons master ala Jackie Chan.
Fortunately for Albert, he won't even need to resort to THAT... not as long as he's got the multi-purpose ace in the hole known as Weird Harold on his side.
Yes, that's right... old Weird Harold. The same fellow who, in the original stand-up routine by Bill Cosby upon which the entire Fat Albert cast of characters was based, was, thanks to his bizarre build, used for such tasks as "getting the football out of the sewer".
End result: Albert snags the horn after clubbing Sherman to death with Harold ala Conan the Barbarian. The entire junkyard is subsequently declared a condemned area in light of Albert's resulting flatulence.
- RoboGoober Version 2 (the preceding slaughter brought to you by Jello Gigglers (TM))
Fat Albert, no contest. We've learned from the movie that Sherman is conflicted between his desire for food and his desire to lose weight. When in the midst of battle, a man's mind can't be in turmoil. Fat Albert, on the other hand, has NO such conflict, and will rush to the Horn without hesitation.
Plus, Fat Albert's friends are probably from poor families where they don't get that much food anyway. So, they'll be hunting for that horn out of sheer necessity. Obviously, given how many fat Klumps there are, they certain earn enough to buy lots of groceries. For them, the main purpose of getting the Horn will be so they can spread some caviar on their pot roast, but it's not really a necessity. And desperation, which includes, not just desire, but LUST, always wins over mere desire.
After giving the matter some thought, it looks like Prof. Klump is going to waddle away with the horn of plenty. Here is the reasoning.
For one thing, Fat Albert and his bunch are not fighters. I do not recall a single instance in any of their shows where they beat up anyone. True, they are very resourceful, but that only applies to their music. The only way they solve problems is either by talking or getting advice from an adult, usually the attractive school teacher.
Klump isn't much of a fighter either, but he has several things in his favor. He is a man of science and knows that direct hand-to-hand combat can lead to very disastrous consequences (consider what happened in my award-winning response for the Roseanne vs. Rosie O'Donnell bout - the destruction of Las Vegas). Therefore, he will use a different approach.
Since Klump dabbles in chemicals, it will be no problem for him to concoct some sort of incapacitation gas or other chemical means of attack which can be delivered from a safe distance.
On top of that, Klump also possesses superpowers. Remember that all the adult Klumps were played by one person. This implies that he is capable of multi-location (being in multiple locations simultaneously) and, since the all the adult Klumps look different, also has some shape-shifting capability. This will win Klump the match. After all, a group of shapeshifters were able to nearly bring about the defeat of the combined forces of Starfleet, the Klingons, and the Romulans. So, one shapeshifter who can also be in about half a dozen different places at once could easily defeat one lazy fat kid and his friends - especially armed with the chemicals I mentioned earlier.
The match will go as follows. Klump brews up some homemade knockout gas in the chemistry lab. After checking the wind direction, Klump will split into all the adult Klumps, get into position, and unleash the gas. Fat Albert will soon pass out as his buddies flee the scene. Once the fat kid is unconscious, and the air is safe to breathe, Klump will reunite and retrieve the horn of plenty to take to the lab to learn its secrets.
- The Demented Astronomer
What we've got here is two hungry gastropods (the real loser of this match is the Pall Bearers, by the way), who possess appetites and bellies that put both Homer and Norm to shame. While Fat Albert is more street-smart, Professor Klump is known to take wild chances in moments of desperation (i.e., taking the forumula to become Buddy Love in the first place). Knowing the self- destructive tendancies of Buddy Love's desires on his own life, Klump devises the perfect plan: grab an Oh Henry!(tm) bar from his pocket (he always has a few on him to fill the gap between brunch and lunch), douse it with his secret-forumla, and toss it in Fat Albert's mouth.
Naturally, Fat Albert inhales the chocolate bar and comically transforms into a slimmer, more stylish version of himself. And after looking at Albert's picture (and noting the basketball net in the background), it's obvious that in his skinny-state, Thin Albert will become none other then Kobe Bryant. Now, observe the similarities between Love and Bryant:
Buddy Love - a testosterone-blazing attention-seeker who relentlessly chases girls, and scores, but inevitably causes his own doom.
Kobe Bryant - Ditto.
Once Albert is surrounded by cops, the media and his lawyers, Klump will have the feast all to himself. Just don't stand downwind of him afterwards.
- Dom (A fight? Come on! You'd need a shoe the size of Texas to kick either of their huge asses!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, dudes. You've got the Horn of Plenty in the middle of the Grudge Match Crossover universe? Every single glutton in the multiverse, former Grudge contenders or not, are gonna be on the scent in no time.
Before either Sherm or Al can make a move (that should give us a few hours), the scene is mobbed by Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne, plus Elvis and the Tasmanian Devil. Scooby Doo and Shaggy join the fray, as well the amazing tag team of Homer Simpson and Norm Peterson, and their rivals Refrigerator Perry and John Madden. The Aliens and Raptors drool in delight, as do Newman and Godzilla. The Godfather rubs his hands in anticipation. Drew Carey and Cookie Monster also want some action. Finally, the literary plug is pulled from the drain, and out come Garfield, Jughead, Dagwood, Obelix, Jabba the Hutt and goodness knows who else. They're all hungry, and they all want that horn!
But, when the army of greasy fatsoes lunges at the Horn, the shift in gravitational fields, combined with the Flubber, sends the Horn soaring clean out of the Earth's atmosphere. As the gluttons look up in astonishment, they hear a mighty voice rumble across the cosmos:
"I HUNGER NO MORE."
- Oxymoron - Accursed Iron Fist. I even made a Schumacher reference! Isn't that enough?!
I put my money on Fat Albert winning the match. Reason being, Fat Albert roams the streets therefore making him tuffer and most likely the first one to throw the first blow. Fat Albert would probably knock Sherman out before he even stops the beat down. Have many more reasons but my next reason why Sherman would lose, would give you pro Sherman voters a second thought about him.
Sherman is a Professor who is in love and feels sorry for himself cuz of his weight. So naturally Sherman would have other things on his mind like getting his formula to work so Buddy Love can get some p$#%y for him. When Reggie was crackin jokes about Pro Clump, it hurt his feelings. All fat Albert has to do is talk some S^%$ to make Sherman feel sorry for himself. Then *WHAM* Fat Albert get Sherman by surprise and does not have any time to react before the second blow comes. ENUFF SAID! SHERMAN GOT OWNED BY FAT ALBERT
Oooh. This one was close. Too close. So I pulled out the unofficial Grudge-Match rule book(TM, sort of), and on p.183, it clearly states:
"In the event of a tie, an overtime involving two teams consisting of both contestant's weights in chihuahuas shall commence."
(Ref looks over at the cages. 6 little rat-dogs just shaking and whizzing themselves. Looks over to Albert and Klump. Shakes head.)
"Ok, then, p.184, both contestants will be linked to Kevin Bacon."
Fat Albert was voiced by Bill Cosby.
Sherman Klump was played by Eddie Murphy.
(Ref starts to check watch. Calls wife to put roast in the fridge.)
....AHA! p.214! In the continued event of a tie, the ref will check watch, call wife to put roast in the fridge, and decide in favor of the cartoon, because reality is stupid.
Albert wins. Klump eats ref.
- Budo, now down to a size 44!
After several hours of intense battle the Cosby Kids and Klump Family lay scattered like broken dolls across the alleyway; only Fat Albert and the so-called "Nutty Professor" remain standing. Meanwhile, the scent of tasty victuals emanating from the Horn of Plenty has attracted a couple of local ne'er do wells from their usual perch in front of a nearby convenience store. So intent are the two portly fighters on bringing down their opponent that neither notices as a heavyset white guy in a trench coat rappels into the alley, snatches up the Horn, and with an agility that belies his girth quickly shimmies back up the rope, pulling it up behind him.
Seemingly aware that something terrible has occurred, Fat Albert and Klump cease in their struggles and turn as one towards the sky just in time to hear a voice off in the distance shout, "It's 'bout time you tubby bitch, I gots da mad munchies yo! Snoochie Boochies!"
- Don "Just what in hell does 'Snoochie Boochies' mean anyway?" Milliken
well the truth of the matter is that both of these lard buckets are going down after a couple of minutes as their hearts are unable to pump blood through their enormous bodies which are filled to the breaking point with cholesteral as it is.
Of course all this is irrelvant if Sherman can change into Buddy Love, will then proceed to talk so fast that Albert will slump down in a dazed confusion, this can be offset as well though if mushmouth decides to reveal that he has the largest vocabulary known to man and decides to speak clearly for a change, but I just dont see that happening.
Fat albert looses this one by association...and it's a shame, too...
The clumps suck, just because they're pop culture icons, but they are just normal pop culture icons, not SELLOUT pop culture icons...
You're probably asking what kind of weed is your Keeper smoking (only the best Seattle has to offer, but i digress)?
Like i said, association...
It goes like this...who are the biggest musical sellouts of all time? METALLICA, and in their album right before the pile of excrement called St. Anger, James Hettfield sang a song that i swear he was doing Fat Albert (Hey! Hey! Hey! here i go...). Thus, through the association of musical hacks destroying good things by copying them (See also Marlin Manson's version of "Tainted Love" and "Sweet Dreams" and Roseanne's version of the National Anthem), it makes Fat albert take some suckitude...
Or, i could be mistaken, and it gives him the rage in seeing a once Metal Icon turned sellout that tried to emulate Chris Isaac's voice try to copy his trademarked "Hey! Hey! Hey!" on which he goes on a rampage and destroys everything...
- Keeper of the Lightİ The Anti-pop
Gotta go with Fat Albert, as a Philly area native. Besides, Albert has it all over Dr. Klump, plain and simple. He has a weight advantage, he has his posse (The Cosby Kids), and most importantly, he's a cartoon character. Albert's also quick on his feet for a big guy, as John said. While Klump is huffing and puffing midway through the (short) fight, Al will be running stock-animation circles around him. Before you can say "Hey hey hey!", Albert'll be trying out his new toy, and the entire Klump family will have to team up to drag off Sherman's unconcious bulk.
- Andy the Anarchist
When I first saw the pictures of the combatants, the first thing that grabbed my attention was the fact that both are wearing belts.
Sherman's perfectly-fitting belt calls to mind a certain Weird Al lyric involving boomerangs.
Fat Albert's belt calls to mind two things:
Hey hey hey, gotta go with Fat Albert today!
- Mixmaster Flibble
One thing that we tend to forget about when comparing these two is that Klump is Eddie Murphy and Fat Albert is random shapes and color on paper.
Now that this has been established, if we had some way to find a happy medium between the "Real" world and the "Cartoon" world it would be obvious that Fat Albert would definitely take the cake (pun intended).
You see, we're talking about a physical conflict between the two. Of course the winner will be the one who doesn't get a heart attack first. This is where being random shapes on paper will be beneficial to Fat Albert. Mr. Klump will obviously get some massive heart attack from such a physically straining event, requiring copious amounts of surgery and other fun little things that will cost millions. Fat Albert on the other hand will simply just wait until Klump's heart explodes so he can feast on his corporeal vessel.
- Cinder Block Jimmy
You've gotta ask yourself, how did Fat Albert get so tupping Fat? Answer is, he ate Gary Coleman, little Webster, the Jeffersons, Nellie Harper (who constituted the bulk of it) and the entire cast of Good Times.
After making a light snack of Prof. Klump, Big, Big, Big Al will go after the PJs, Bernie Mac and Cedric the Entertainer. And wash it all down with two servings of Oprah (Regular and Lite[TM]) and some Star Jones. And pick his teeth clean with Wayne Brady...
As pointed out by Steve II Fat Albert will win. In his first comment, "The most obvious reason to begin with is age. In general, any adult is going to whoop a kid. Size, strength, and experience are just too much better as you get older." Well, looking at the pictures of those two, Fat Albert is has the greater size, and strength, seeing as he can run so fast that he barely touches the ground.
The clone next points out that Fat Albert is played by Bill Cosby, who is older and has more experience.
So we see that Fat Albert has the monopoly on all the traits needed to win. Size, strength, and experience.
So to conclude, Fat Albert, the buck-buck horse champion takes the cake and eats it too.
- Mr. Bugaw
As someone with the name; "The Amazing Fat Man", I feel I have a good insight into this match. To put it bluntly, this is a re-hash of Norm VS. Homer. We all know that Homer kicked royal ass, and helped create the "Simpsons Mystic(TM)" that hangs over this website to this very day. The Fact is the cartoon characters have a very immpressive record in Grudge-Matchs, going 18-6-7 and one both killed and multilated. Besides, Fat Albert has the "Kevin Smith Factor(TM)". In Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Chaka Luther King is quoted as saying; "Bill Cosby did the whole thing with a roller and it was EXCELLENT!" This MUST give Fat Albert an insurmountable lead.
PS-With my name, If I don't get posted, there is no God.
- The Amazing Fat Man
Lawyers win. Klump and Albert sue the makers of The Horn of Plenty (tm) for making them fat.
- Duc de Nevers
Fat Albert could kick Sherman's fat ass any day. Sherman is too soft to win any fight, even if it is for food. Plus as we all know, one of the biggest keys to victory is confidence, and Sherman has none whatsoever. In the first Nutty Professer he proved he is a wimp. I don't think he will be that hyped up about fighting over food anyway beacuse in the two movies he's always trying to loose weight, that's why he created that alter ego/personality. If any body can kick Albert's ass it's Sherman's other much more slimmer self. Plus Sherman's family won't pose a problem whatsoever, there old and fat, and don't have what it takes, Albert's friends on the other hand are young and slim, and could surley kick the ass of fat old people.Plus, just look at the popularity of Fat Albert, he has his own clothing line, he and his gang of fiends are featured on blue jeans and clothes nation wide, and they sell pretty well too( I think it's Fubu or somethin') When it's all said and done Fat Albert will be the victor
P.S. Plus Sherman couldn't even bag Jada Pinkett or Janet Jackson.
- Donte (Y.F.N.) I don't desire any credit .
This would make a great suma match. Although, i'd imagine the salt would get eaten before the start.
- Cap'n Freed
Sherman Klump got it on with Janet Jackson.
Make your own decision as to whether that's a benefit or a detriment.
- Boden-san, and we're talking the post-Rhythm Nation Janet
Thinking about this match led me to try envisioning these two giants battling it out, which led to the inevitable sumo wrestling contest, which led to a mental picture of them clothed only in massive thong bottomed diapers, which led me to nearly vomiting upon my keyboard. As such, I'm voting that either one or both of them suddenly die from massive multi-artery heart attacks before things get to ugly.
- -Dagger ( just like when Godzilla took on King Kong)
Sherman Klump in less than a minute. All he has to do is feed Fat Albert some of the Miracle Thinning Diet Hamster Food (TM) and sit on him. Game, set, and match.
- Darth Matt, King of All Things Star Wars
I never thought I would ever see this!! A gigantic pair of boobs that won't be featured in the Thinkmaster General Porn Annex!! Guess there always has to be a first for everything right??
- BIGMRG74 oh Oxxy!! don't you wanna play anymore???? im right here....
This is bigger than the Death Star, more awesome than the Marianess Trench (if that's how you spell it). But, sadly, this conflict will not be resolved because of one simple fact: the SHEER SIZE of the competitors! Why, the Iron Fist (TM) would be hard pressed to take these titans of terrible... weight out of the picture! However, there is a force out there more powerful than the Iron Fist (TM). And that force is: GRAVITY! Yes, gravity will be the downfall of this match, and these competitors. And, if it's a siultaneous crash of cellulite, we might even see a landfall! Wouldn't that be fun?
(All references to gravity and its force are unregistered trademarks of Sir Isaac Newton, Inc.)
- The Deranged Reasoner
The horn of plenty provides an infinite supply of food? Half of infinity is still infinity. Sherman as a man of science will quickly realise there is no need to fight, and Albert, who has always shown respect towards his elders (he even gives Mudfoot his props) will fall into line. After sharing a 10 course banquet and learning from each other (while they do their thing) they'll turn their efforts towards more co-operative efforts, like suing McDonalds.
- John the Scone
Maybe in a different playing field, things would be different. But Fat Albert is on his home turf - Philadelphia, home of the hoagie, the cheesesteak, and one of the world's highest per capita consumption of Cheeze Whiz.
And nothing is as dangerous as a Philly resident, on his home turf, that can't get to the food he wants. If the NFL backed down, the most powerful sports league in the U.S., then a fat version of eddie Murphy isn't going to stand a chance. Fat Albert gets the horn, and finally becomes full.
- 32_Footsteps, the Eve of Destruction
Folks, Sherman Klump is nothing more than a revision of a Jerry Lewis character. The same Jerry Lewis who is adored by the French. Guilt by association is always the most damning, especially in a Grudge Match.
Fat Albert takes out the entire Klump family in a single round of "Buck-buck." Na na na, we gonna have a good time.
- Jak the Duck
as you can see, Klump has a point.
RATHER LACK OF IT. Seeing how he is fat, the point is, as true, Klump is a wimp, he has the other slightly lesser known wild card... THE GRANDMA. She will kick the other boy's Ass, and return the horn to her baby boy. All while the mom is going " Hercule-LEZ!Hercule-LEZ!"
I rest my case.
"The Nutty Professor" was a remake of a 1963 Jerry Lewis film. Jerry Lewis is considered the greatest comedian ever by the French. (I read it in a Roger Ebert review.)
Bill Cosby, on the other hand, is inherently American. He's a black comedian with insights about kids, and is so concerned with kids' well-being it's no wonder he was popular in the 80's.
Besides, "Klump" sounds like a sticky, greasy chunk of crap, and "Professor" gives the impression of a skinny kid who passed all his classes, except gym. Compare this to a name like "Fat Albert".
By the way, I've concluded that Don King is either a moron, a lunatic, or simply lucky enough to have never seen "Chairman of the Board" or a C-A-L-L A-T-T commercial. Carrot Top is "one calorie of evil"? I mean, I'll grant you that Hitler was worse, but they were in different fields. If you HAVE seen Carrot Top's work.. repent, for your time is near.
At the junkyard, the dust clears. Bodies can be seen strewn about, all in grotesque condition. Though some have been speared or clubbed with common junkyard items, others seem to have been attacked with objects dropped by the junkyard's electromagnetic crane. Russell has gone from 3 feet tall to 1 foot tall, squashed under a FrigidaireTM which still sits atop the mess that used to be his head. The entire Klump family seems to have been dismembered by a well-aimed piece of steel plate. As for Fat Albert, all that is visible is his hand, protruding from under the Lincoln Continental that ended his life. That hand is empty, the Horn of Plenty taken from it as casually and mysteriously as all these lives were snuffed out.
Meanwhile, a few blocks away...
Shaggy is finished hiding the Horn of Plenty under Scooby's dog bed
in the back of the Mystery Machine. "Scoob, are you, like, really
sure that we should have done that?"
- Mr. Silverback- My commentary started in a junkpile and went straight to the dog from there.
Bad movies are a stumbling block, huh? One side has Pluto Nash and Daddy Daycarew, the other has Leonard Part 6 and Ghost Dad. Irresistable force vs. immovable object: they cancel each other out. But Fat Albert still wins. Why? The French Factor(tm), of course! Sherman Klump is the star of a remake of a Jerry Lewis film. Jerry Lewis is beloved in France. Thus, Klump gets dumped. Fat Albert gets a beg enough supply of food to balance out the other side of his car and drives home the victor, his Cessna engine singing a joyful tune.
- TB Tabby
One bowl of cereal: $4.00
Pair of flannel pajamas: $12.00
Watching "Fat Albert" on Saturday mornings right after "Picture Pages": priceless...
And honestly, who can forgive Eddie Murphy for "Party All the Time"??
- The Genie
Fat Albert was the baddest buck-buck breaker in Philadelphia. If you ever heard Cosby's description of buck-buck you would realize that it is a tough game played by tough people. People would cower in fear of Fat Albert so he wouldn't actually have to do anything, that is tough. Klump would shrink before the match even started.
- Buck-Buck trumps Flubber Boy
The bigger they are, they harder they fall. I'm guessing this fight caused the big blackout in some way or another.
- Pornoclaus - (also guessing that the Brown Hornet stopped Fat Bastard from getting his chubby fingers in on the action)
Basically, this boils down to a battle between Eddie Murphy and Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby is so damn white he had one the longest running family sitcoms ever, as well as hosting "Kids Say the Darndest Things". Eddie Murphy, as a former SNL member, has at least had dealings with some of the biggest scum in the known universe, and came out on top. Basically, I'd say Murphy has this one pretty well in the bag, but let me hit the high points for you. 1) He could always start playing Sherman Klump's grandmother, who is one of the most disturbing (and unwholesomely effective) sexual weapons to have ever been conceived of. 2) "Look mommy, its the hamster's bitch." - The Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps. 3) See number 2. I would NOT want to be Fat Albert at the end of this match.
- Giant Mutant Hamster
My initial epiphany of this titanic clash drew upon the T-rex vs. other dinosaur fight seen from Jurassic Park 3, 2 gigundous killing machines circling each other, waiting for the other's guard to go down and the opportunity to dash in and rip his throat out. But then I remembered that slovenly doesn't equal strength and so drew upon the countless PBS specials I've seen where 2 bull walruses heave their bulks across the icy tundra and collide in a majestical display of cellulite and blubber that shakes the very Earth.
Nevertheless, Fat Albert will win. Whilst Sherman Klump is obese because he uses food as an escape and is therefore a food addict, Fat eats for the pure joy of eating. And since the motivating force between this battle of the bulge will eventually evolve into one titan consuming the other, the Klumpster is sure to lose; There's lots to eat out there that's not donned in a red sweater, whereas Fat will want to eat Sherman, specifically Sherman, for the pure joy of eating Sherman.
With the fat guys, it always comes down to who wants to eat whom bad enough.
- Todd the fish guy
Well, since the match is technically just between Sherman and Albert, I think the rest of the gang/family should be kept out. That leaves the two heavyweights to a sumo match, running towards each other extremely slowly before smacking each other with their stomachs. Fat Albert, as the Fattest Thing on the Planet, is the obvious winner, although Sherman will put up a bit of a fight. Instead of being launched back at a freakish speed to become a permanent part of the junkyard like any normal person would, Sherman will bounce back a bit, dizzied by Albert's colossal gut. Albert will then go for the kill, rolling down a hill of trash to squash Sherman into the ground. The Klumps will stand with their mouths open as Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids leave with the prize.
Let's take stock. You're in a belly-bumpin' match of doom with Fat Albert. You need some kind of edge to give you victory. What is it going to be?
Of course: the ability to change into an alter ego who is one third your original size!
This is the kind of brilliance you expect from a man who thought Pluto Nash was a good career move. Fat Albert in the time it take for Sherman to down a spiked MegaShake, plus five seconds.
(Yes, I know Sherman has his whole family backing him up, but since they're also versions of Eddie Murphy, the same lack of forethought applies, meaning the Cosby Kids can thrash them without breaking either a sweat or into song.)
- Call me Shane
Does it need any explaining?
1.We have a person with a name like FAT albert against a super bright scientist who contrary to popular belief does not have the name fat, it is proven that fat people move more slowly (i.e. sloth speed) so as Fat Albert jiggles towards Sherman, guess whos already behind him whoopin' his gargantuan bottom, since it goes beyond all understanding, bum shaped planet. Of course he is promptly crushed.
2.Sherman has his youth formula, drinks it quick, becomes young and tries to whoop Fat Albert. Fat Albert accidentaly stumbles forward crushing not only Sherman but the entire populace of their town.
3.Fat Albert moves more slowly than all other beings, naturaly Sherman "science" Klump studies him. Eventualy aiming a badly thrown punch 10 years later, Albert whoops Klump like.... an elephant... crushing a really small thing, or like the english soccer holigans beat the french to cheese consistency.
- Noah Copolo (My apoloies to anyone whos name this actualy is)
I say Sherman Klump definitly wins this match.I mean if all else fails and he can't run... he can take one sip of the potion and turn immediatly skinny! I mean come on Buddy Love vs. Fat ALbert! Get a life! You know Fat Albert has a chance being a gangster but not much!
Three important laws apply at the beginning of this match:
1) "Never give up the element of surprise." -- Duke
Igthorn's Lesson #2, "For a Few Sovereigns More,"
The Gummi Bears.
2) "Force = Mass x Acceleration." -- Newton's Second Law of
Granted, Fat Albert himself will almost certainly survive the initial assault, as the Klumps will be concentrating on taking out the smaller, more manuverable Kids in the first wave before the latter can react. Al himself makes a more difficult target, needing a joint effort, but Grandma will whip out a half-dozen furry white sweaters for her relatives, having read in her psych textbook about Fat Albert's lingering fears dating back to when he was just Little Albert.
Seeing his big buddy cringe in horror from the oncoming pile-on of fur-clad Klumps, bad-boy Rudy will stagger back onto his knees, painfully draw his derringer (this ain't "Picture Pages," folks) and fire... at the TV camera, plunging the battleground into darkness.
When the blackness descends upon the scene, it will bring four benefits: a) blind-fighting neutralizes numbers, b) blind-fighting accentuates the home-turf advantage, c) Albert can no longer see the furry white sweaters and thus can no longer be frightened by them without contact, and d) the Fat Albert we know from Bill Cosby's audio recordings now takes precedence. This isn't the obese-but- plausible protagonist from the cartoon series, but an exaggerated childhood friend who can run down the street and generate somewhere upwards of 5.0 on the Richter scale without even intending it. This quartet of factors makes the endgame a cakewalk for Fat Albert.
- Matt Bricker ("Mmmmmm..., cake.")
Just as the two contestants square off, ready to pound each other in the dirt. Rudy steps in, "Hey wait, Mr. Professor, since you're in our junkyard, you gotta' play by our rules or be uncool."
Sherman looks at Rudy, growling with hunger, and then his good nature and constant willingness to follow the rules forces him to ask "What rules?"
"A sitchiation like this means a game of Buck-Buckİ."
"Heh, heh, heh, What's Buck-Buckİ kids?" Professor Klump asks.
"That's where you get on your hands and knees and our gang jumps on your back one by one until you fall over, but you can only jump once. Then your gang does the same thing to us. Gimme a quarter so we can flip for who goes first."
Professor Klump smiles, thinking about the girth of his family and says "OK, I pick heads." He pulls out a quarter and flips. Heads it is. Since he wins the flip he elects to jump first. The Gangİ gets down and prepares to recieve. Professor Klump starts running, and then, with a mighty leap, jumps on the backs of The Gangİ. Because of their long years of experience they hold firm. Then he changes costumes so that Cletus can jump. Just as he finishes Rudy says, "Oh, no, Professor, only one jump."
"But Cletus is part of the gang."
"Cheeter! Cheeter! Cheeter! You're not fair, You doesn't like following the rules!" Russel starts shouting. At this Sherman backs down; after all, you have to follow the rules. His nephew takes his jump, The Gangİ holds firm, and now it's their turn.
Sherman and Ernie Jr. assume the position...
Mushmouth and Weird Harold add weight to the pile.
"Hey, Hey, Hey!" *thump*, *thump*, *thump*!
"It's Faaat Albert! The Buck-Buckİ Champeen of the world!İ"
Sherman and Ernie Jr. go home with their hats smashed down over their ears. And without the Horn-O-Plentyİ
- Thomas the Kingmaker
If this were a sheer popularity contest, Fat Albert would win.
But if we weigh all the various factors and take into account both mens' strengths and weaknesses, Fat Albert would win.
- Darth Snarky
If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:
Next Match: California Dreamin'
If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:
Next Match: California Dreamin'
© 2003, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC