Winfred Louder Building, Cleveland, Ohio: The pointy haired boss walks into a conference room. Already at the table two people are seated. On the left, Dilbert. On the right, Drew Carey. Or was Dilbert on the right and Drew on the left? Or was it just a mirror?
Anyway, the meeting commences.
"Gentlemen," the boss begins, "the merger is nearly complete. We only have one more job to downsize. Which one of you two will it be?"
"But, sir," begs Drew, "We're not even doing the same type of job. He's an engineer and I'm like sort of a lower middle management type."
"No matter," continues the boss. "We need one more job cut so one of you will be let go."
Drew and Dilbert glare at each other. Or was it one of them glaring at a mirror?
"I need to use the restroom," pointy-hair boss claims. "When I get back, whichever one of you is still here keeps his job."
So, Mark, which company cornerstone will crumble his competitor's career in this corporate cost-cut?
MARK: Well, I'm going with Dilbert on this one. Dilbert is used to corporate insanity and learned to roll with the punches. Drew Carey, on the other hand, is usually just a mindless puppet who regurgitates what higher management tells him. Dilbert has to deal with deadlines and pointless meetings. Drew only has to deal with Mimi Bobeck. Certainly, she's mean, but usually harmless unless you look directly at her. Other than her appearance, her only weapon seems to be her amazing ability to add "pig" to the end of every sentence. Ouch!
Dilbert's an engineer--he could e-mess Drew up in unimaginable ways. What can Drew do? Send an internal memo reminding workers that e-sabotage is against company policy?
Now add allies into the mix. Dilbert has "the garbage man"--an all-knowing philosopher who can help Dilbert out of any situation. Who can Drew turn to? Oswald?
Let's not forget that the voice of Dogbert is none other than THE Emmy Award winning Chris Elliott!! That should be worth a few bonus points!
What this boils down to is Drew is management and Dilbert is a cubicle denizen. Management's job is to place hoops for workers to jump through. Cubicle denizens are survivors. Dilbert will win this while searching the Internet for a new necktie!
BRENDAN: Well it may be a new millennium but I see Mark is still pulling out the same old, tired, arguments that so consistently failed in the last millennium. There is no way Drew Carey can lose this match.
Ignoring the insanity of describing Mimi Bobeck as harmless for the moment ('other than her appearance'... that's like saying other than the blast effect a 500 kiloton hydrogen bomb is mostly harmless), lets look at the rest of your claims.
Dilbert's powers as an engineer-you'll forgive me for being skeptical but after the much hyped electronic apocalypse of Y2K fizzled, its hard to take engineering threats seriously. By contrast the evil powers of management are well known to all who have ever worked in a corporate environment. Cultural sensitivity training, mandatory drug tests, or the ever popular restructure the entire department just to change it back a week later, are just a few of the weapons at Drew's disposal. It should be easy to suggest that the verticality of Dilbert's tie is a sexual harassment violation and that for the good of the company Dilbert must be ritually disembowled by the company's lawyers.
As for Dilbert's ally-Drew doesn't need philosophy, he has access to the universal philosopher, beer. But if you insist on playing this game, it should be pointed out that Drew has in his corner, the greatest power on this entire planet, a force stronger than Microsoft and Disney combined, McDonalds. McDonalds was there for Drew against the communist Chinese and it will certainly back him up against the lowly Dilbert.
Drew will win this while still having enough time to get shot down by Tina, help the Pointy Haired Boss figure out where exactly the bathroom is, and to ship a case of Mimi's makeup to the UPN corporate headquarters, rendering it uninhabitable and thus saving all of humanity from their Voyager-Clueless crossover event special.
MARK: Who needs newfangled arguments when Brendan is here to argue against himself? The Y2K bug is a perfect example of what I'm talking about. Management, in its infinite "wisdom," told programmers to shorten the year to two digits to save time, space, and money. The programmers said "okey dokey" and it was done. Along comes the year 2000 and management gets spooked. "Change it back! Change it back! For the love of Pete, change it back!" So the laborers fixed the problem so that you hardly noticed any effects of management's earlier lunacy. So we clearly see that management people are clueless and non-management people are survivors. What is Drew? What is Dilbert? Hmmm.
I think you're confusing management groupings. Upper management has the legal and power resources. Lower middle management is a large pool of puppets. Drew is lower middle management. But he does fit the lunacy of management, though. Here's a guy with a thriving brewery. What does he do? Plants his butt in front of Mimi's desk. He also had a popular band. Did he try to make a run at a music career? Nope. He stays at Winfred Louder. Might as well have a big "L" tattoo on his head.
One of the keys to defeating your opponent is to know your opponent. Dilbert knows and understands management (as proven through the comic strip), therefore, he has the advantage over Drew. Management clearly has no clue to the mentality of workers. If management did have a clue, they wouldn't make the insane decisions such as ones in your list.
I do understand your bond with Drew, though. If you've seen him on "Whose Line is it Anyway?" you might have noticed that, along with his inability to follow the alphabet correctly, he has trouble counting. In the game "Three-Headed Opera," he had trouble counting to 1. I know counting 1000 years is more difficult than counting 1 word, but I still think you should have been able to do it.
In conclusion, I'd like to say "huzzah" to non-management workers--especially those who helped prevent the Year 2000 bug! HUZZAH!
BRENDAN: I see we are going to have to go through this millennium argument one more time. Living in a democratic, capitalistic country means that the majority is always right, even when its wrong. And since the majority has decided that the millennium is happening in the year 2000, it doesn't matter what the calendar actually says. To go against this is to go against the same system that made Titanic a great movie, Bill Clinton a great president, and let Yoda defeat Kosh in my last matchup.
As for your Y2K analysis, that just shows the awesome power of management. If management can bring the entire world to its knees by accident and incompetence, imagine what will happen when it purposefully sets out to destroy. Not being constrained by logic or long term consequences gives management a power that no mere engineer could ever hope to match.
I'm going to assume that it is some unique piece of Minnesotan wisdom that playing the accordion in hotel bars is the key to a great musical career, so I'll let that one go.
As for knowing ones opponent, no one knows Dilbert better than Drew. Not only is he a regular reader of Dilbert's comic strip, he even has a stuffed Dilbert doll. By contrast, Dilbert is totally unprepared for what Drew Carey is, a competent management person.
The reason for this is simple. The Peter Principle says we get promoted to our level of incompetence. But since Drew never gets promoted, he is the only person in the entire Winfred Louder Company, who is actually qualified to do his job. It has been repeatedly shown that Drew single-handedly holds the entire company together, and in fact has even earned the respect of the mighty Dutch, for his impressive displays of adequacy. Since the Dutch are responsible for two of the greatest innovations in human history: the development of capitalism and the quasi-legalization of marijuana, their belief in Drew just shows how superior he is to Dilbert (who can't even get the respect of the backwards Elbonians).
Besides, if nothing else Drew can just fall back on his Godzilla attack and nothing is standing up to that.
For The Drew Carey Show links, visit Sitcoms Online.
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History Section | Tell a friend about this match
I have been watching your show for a long time. You are the sexiest man I have ever seen (and I have seen a lot of sexy men since I am a world famous supermodel). Please meet me this Valentine's Day at the old abandoned explosives factory. Remember, I am an actual supermodel and not just a small dog with plans of world domination.
p.s. Please bring matches
Alexa Svenson, supermodel (NOT a dog!)
[eds. note: 53 hours and 400 lbs of "Bar-B-Drew" later, Dilbert was delcared the winner.]
Only editors get to add editor's notes, dillweed! Thus the name! - The REAL editors
The combatants leap to their computers. Dilbert sends an email to Alice telling her that Drew was responsible for the glass ceiling that's kept her from being promoted.
Meanwhile, Drew tries to use his authority as a manager to delete Dilbert's employee file... only to find that he can't find Dilbert's file because he doesn't seem to have a last name! Panic-striken, he doesn't even notice the triangular bouffant shadow steathily approach...
Dilbert laughs, as best as a man with no mouth can, as the "Fist of Death" rips out Drew's still-beating heart
- --John Hunter
Even in his infinite wisdom, Dilbert lacks the one thing that Carry can use to destroy him...... Full Fledged Musicals! If watching Mimi "Shake Her Groove Thing(tm)" doesn't stop Dilbert, then Dilbert is the most powerful man alive.
- Michael Brzeski, the Toon Leader
1) Dilbert has Dogbert on his side, even thought he thinks that jis owner is idiot, he is about to let some polka playing, beer guzzling doofus take Dilbert's job, especially since Dogbert uses Dilbert's job to take over the universe.
2) Dilbert is a genius, and an expect at computers and engineering. The only thing that Drew is an expert at is eating donuts and drinking beer.
3) Drew will to preoccupied with sceaming how to destroy Mimi, and Dilbert will use it to his advantage.
4) Mimi hates Drew's guts. Even if Dilbert loses he will still win. Mimi will do anything unhumanly possible to make sure Drew gets fired. Drew doesn't stand a chance....... The end..
Coming Soon, Dibert vs Taylor Durden!!
Drew: Okay, yeah. I hate to do it, but it seems to be the only way out of this.
Pointy Haired Boss: Hmm, neither are here. I guess that I can't fire either. Ohh, what's this? (pulls off paper from desk) A new Reorg chart? Hmm, okay, time to annoucne this to everyone.
Still Later, at a bar:
Dilbert: See, told you it would work.
Drew: Yeah, you were right. Just making a reorg chart, where we both stay. By the way, what was going on with that Wally fellow in your cubicle?
Dilbert: Oh him. He was wondering if he had a chance with you're assistant, Mimi.
- The Penguin God
However, I knew if that was all I said, I wouldn't be posted, and I could just kiss my lifelong dream of being one of the Grudge Match crew goodbye.
But what could I do about this? I know nothing about Drew Carey and I don't read Dilbert. Well, my friend, the answer came to me in a dream...
I don't remember much of it, but I distinctly remember Dilbert flying in circles around Drew Carey until he eventually stopped and flew right out a window.
If I interpret that dream correctly, it means that--what else-- Dilbert went into orbit around Drew Carey. Eventually he gained enough speed to escape this orbit, and was sent flying through said window. Thus, Drew Carey wins, although it wouldn't surprise me if the Pointy-Haired Boss gets confused and downsizes Drew anyway.
- Kenny "The Infraggable Krunk" Munson
Now we come to Dilbert - a winner across the board. Dilbert is the star of a comic strip phenomenon. The only time Drew appears in the newspaper is in the TV listings. Dilbert is featured in a number of books. Again, Drew is deficient in this department.
Also, Dilbert comes with two very powerful allies - Dogbert and the Garbageman. Dogbert, in addition to being a Grudge Match veteran, also has a large internet group known as the DNRC (Dogbert's New Ruling Class). As the Supreme Astronomer Royal for the DNRC (it's official - not making it up), I know that Dogbert is highly skilled at getting people to do what he wants. Every week, he comes up with a new way to trick the Pointy-Haired Boss out of millions of dollars. And with the "Dilbert" show, Dogbert has expanded his endeavours into areas such as tricking NASA into giving him a shuttle ride, upsetting the Elbonian government, influencing the US Supreme Court, and other zany escapades. Nobody on the "Drew Carey Show" can boast that kind of influence.
Then there is the Garbageman. In addition to being multi-talented and always able to come up with a solution to whatever problem there is, he sounds sort of like a superhero (more of a "Dark Knight" type). Everyone knows those type of superheroes win (as witnessed in the recent "Batman" matchup). With allies like these, Dilbert cannot lose.
Finally, this is not a new conflict. Drew Carey has been on the DNRC Enemy List for some time. This is because Scott Adams feels that Drew's act is essentially a rip-off of Dilbert. In any matchup, the original will triumph over the rip-off. Drew at least will have plenty of beer to cry in when he gets his pink slip.
- The Demented Astronomer
Dilbert vs Drew Carey
The clear winner here is Drew. What you guys failed to mention was the Drew saved Kate from Satan. Yes Satan. If a guy who lives in Cleveland; of all God awful places, challenges Satan to a pool match, loses and still somehow ends up winning, should be able to take a cartoon who maintains its newspaper contract by the grace of a talking dog...no offense to Peanuts.
- The SecretAsianMan
Dilbert hacks into Drew Carey's credit card bill, fixing it so Drew owes US$500 000 to the Bill Gates corporate empire. He then cracks the FBI's servers and lists Drew as a highly skilled hacker using his job in management as a front for Denial of Service attacks on Yahoo, Ebay, and others. In a final piece du resistance, Dilbert gains access to Drew's medical records, and has the lab send back proof that Drew is pregnant.
Dilbert in half an hour and a case of Jolt.
- Sailor Squasher
- Weird Uncle Dave
Now, for those who would argue that Dogbert never has helped Dilbert to any great extent on the show, I ask you - if Dogbert is to take over the world, will he be able to do it better with or without the man who cannot even gain the respect of the Elbonians? Why, of course he'll be able to do it without that dead weight hanging around him.
And yet, if Dilbert does get laid off, how long will it take him to find another job? He'll be sitting around the house all day, and Dogbert will be unable to perform his sinister deeds while Dilbert is away. Dogbert needs Dilbert to stay away.
- Doug - www.tribulation.com
As usual, you GrudgeGoodies neglect the power and force of sheer, unadulterated EVIL!!! Geez! That's like ... uh, dumb.
Need we forget that Dilbert has the mighty DOGBERT in his corner? That's right, DOGBERT. 1-0 in the Grudge. The ruler of the world. Deciding factor? Under normal circumstances, yes.
There's something to be said for the BABE FACTOR as well...
NO, I'm not talking about Mimi, you sick freaks! I'm referring to Maxim Cover Girl #1, KATE "DID THE SUN JUST NOVA?" O'BRIEN! Oh, evilness gracious great balls of fire(pun intended), she is F-I-N-E! And guess who's she's doing the horizontal limbo with? Our man Drew. Right there, we know that Drew has the support of the man downstairs. I mean, look at the two of them! Is there any doubt?
Dogbert's evil, but Drew has Beezelbub Backup.
Drew wins. Dilbert spends his unscheduled downtime trying to reverse-engineer a pitchfork from out his arse.
- Todd Evil
- Uncle Pervy
The pointy-haired Boss, having hired the Dogbert consulting
firm, has left the specs for the new project on the table. Before
Drew can get it Dilbert has swiped it up. "Now you'll see how
superior we engineers are to clueless management-types!" Dilbert says
with a smirk. He opens the folder, only instead of the specs it's a
full-color photo of Mimi. Dilbert's eyewear shatters, blinding him
with debris (and letting us see his eyes for the first time ever).
This gives Drew a chance to sucker-punch Dilbert in the groin just
before the Boss returns.
Meanwhile, in another part of the office...
"Did you put the photograph where Dogbert could find it,
"Sure did, Brain... NARF!"
"Excellent, Pinky. Now all he has to do is to look at that
photograph and he'll be blinded for life. Leaving me with no other
obstacle in my way of TAKING OVER THE WORLD!"
"Uh-oh, did you say 'Dogbert' or 'Dilbert', Brain?" Pinky says
as Dilbert gets wheeled out on a gurney, grimacing in pain.
Brain sighs. "Well, we might as well return to the lab,
Pinkey. And get ready for tomorrow night."
"What are we doing tomorrow night, Brain?"
"The same thing we do every night, Pinkey. TRY TO TAKE OVER
- Chris 'Jedi' Knight is eating barbecued Ratbert after Y2K
Fact:- Last match : AOL vs. Al Gore
With a both killed and mutilated option.
Observation:- Two matches with lousy contestants with the second match not having the option mentioned above.
COnclusion :- You guys at the Ground Zero are a bunch of sadists.
- Boba "Where the heck did that mangled and killed option go?" Foot
Drew's just a wuss. You're not allowed to kill people in a prime time comedy.
Dilbert takes this one easy.
- Denis "no quote today" Moskowitz
- Andy the Anarchist
- Megan Long
"Let's not forget that the voice of Dogbert is THE Emmy-award winning Chris Elliot! That's should be worth a few bonus points!"
Yeah, right. "A few bonus points" . . . for me to POOP on! C.E.'s lack of talent is exceeded only by that dead hack Andy Kaufman.
I want to write in my vote for Chris Elliot being mangled and killed! Hanging's too good for him! BURNING'S too GOOD for him! He should be torn into itsy-bitsy pieces AND BURIED ALIVE!
Other than that, I don't care a damn who wins, but I want to see a nice fresh Chris Elliot corpse on the ground when it's over. . . .
- Scott Heisel
- Longfellow's wench
Drew is the classic nice guy. Nice guys finish last.
- GKScotty - firstname.lastname@example.org
I mean, come on...Drew's funny, but he's no Elliot Ness.
- Sugar Daddy
- Sean Hammel-the Flittin' Fury
- Ralph Von Wonder LLama
Besides, I reside in Minnesota, and I have never seen an accordian player in a bar of any sort. If Brendan can't get that straight, what does it say about the rest of his arguments.
Dilbert, being a geek, has a cell phone with him. He calls up Bob (the dinosaur), who proceeds to give Drew a whirling wedgie to help him on his way to the sling-shot.
What about time constraints you ask? Again, easy. The pointy-haired boss thinks a cardboard cut-out of a computer is real, how long is it going to take him to find the restroom, and then, well, just to figure the rest out? By the time the boss gets back, Bob will be gone (along with Drew) and Dilbert will have eaten the rest of the good donuts.
- Angry Bob
And judging by the way that necktie just won't stay down, I'm guessing that Dilbert, despite his 2-dimensionality, has a bit of a gut as well.
Therefore, something curious happens when these two behemoths meet in battle. From opposite ends of the boardroom, they charge each other like a couple of rhinos. *BUT*!! Instead of bouncing off one another, as logic would dictate, the excess flab causes them to meld together, and form a strange hybrid entity...Drewbert!!!
Now, Drewbert (not to be confused with Q-Bert, that lovable, pyramid- hopping imp of Atari and Coleco Vision fame) is a pretty odd looking creature. Picture Drew Carey with an even more rectangular head, puffier hair, and no mouth or eyeballs, and you've got him. As a result of his strange appearance, Mimi goes catatonic, her last words being "Too many possible insults..where to begin?".
Drewbert performs his amalgamated Human Resources/Engineering job(s) well for a week or two, but then the pointy-haired boss requests that Drewbert transfer the internet to hard copy, and this sends Drewbert over the edge.
Armed with nothing more than office supplies, Drewbert, in true Godzilla fashion (a long-time dream of Drew Carey's) takes out everyone and everything in the greater Cleveland area. The rest of the world rejoices it's good fortune.
- 1/2 Nelson
Exhibit A- Drew's hardiness- The man as been drinking beer at every meal and eating more fried food than someone dining at Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag(r) for years, yet his heart and liver keep chugging along. Also, when the company destroyed half of his house, he held a sit-in, undertaking the Cleveland winter, 10000-watt bulbs, and Van Halen's "Panama" for three days straight. I think that the horror that is Mimi speaks for itself. The man has ballsWhat has Dilbert endured? The mud-filled land of Elbonia. Wow, I am shaking.
Exhibit B- Drew is real, hence the infamous "truth is stranger than fiction" rule is in effect. Also, Drew is management, which is stranger than both truth and fiction.
Exhibit C- Drew can dance. Fairly well. He has twice opened his show with a different dance number, and scared away the Dutch with a great number called "Brotherhood of Man". Since all martial arts can be interpreted as improvisational dance that kicks ass, we can assume that Drew is probably nimble enough for kung-fu.
Looking at these arguments, we can assume that Drew possesses all he needs to plant Dilbert's flabby, wrinkled ass into the cold, cold, micromanaged ground. Engineer that, pear-man!
(Why am I assuming Dilbert works for the CI Host? Think about it....Only the pointy eared boss could be responsible for that big a screw-up)
- The Animator
- The Mightiest Canuck
- ~the Stranger
2. Remember, only one job needs to be cut, and these gentlemen are both somewhat dangerous. Therefore, Winner: Drew and Dilbert. Loser: Pointy-Haired Boss.
- Chris Miller
- BOB: Slayer of the Wild Spams
But not because of his technical skills, his knowledge of the workings of management, or the fact that he could probably kill someone by running them through with his tie.
No, it's much simpler then that.
Dilbert will win because Clive Anderson is going to sneak up on Drew Carey and beat the living shit out of him with a chair.
Can't blame him, either.
- James Howard
- "Mad Dog" Mike
I think we all can agree that both Drew and Dilbert are brilliant and well accustomed to things being screwed up. They seem to be fairly evenly matched in terms of wits. However, the scenario specifies a violent brawl and these two are not warriors! Sure, they can get pretty pissed sometimes, they both have to deal with fearsome creatures daily, and they may even have Issues(TM), but they do not have Rage(TM). Follow me, if you will...
Realizing the stakes, they attempt to beat the hell out of each other. Dilbert raises his T-square and Drew his beer bottle. A duel ensues, ending with Drew smashing Dilbert over the head with the bottle (mind you, he must have seen it done hundreds of times), but on the downswing, pokes his eye out on the tie. Since they're both still technically working for the company, this spells lawsuit. They both live, roll in the dough like Gump drinking Dr. Pepper(TM), and the Dutch adorn the boardroom wall with Mr. Pointy Hair. Drew retires to his bar and brewery, and Dilbert, Dogbert and the DNRC build a ship with warp drive and begin exploring the universe. 300 years later, the armies of Dogbert VII brutally conquer Earth and wipe out the Dutch, French, and Strom Thurmond for good measure. They build a huge statue of Drew and a beer fountain on the National Mall.
For that alone, Drew must die a slow, agonizing death; only to be reincarnated as Mimi's bathroom mirror.
- Lord_Odin, loyal member of the DNRC
- El Weirdo
- BF, son of RF
- Zaphod Beeblebrox (who else?)
Where's the "Pointy-haired boss mangled and fed to Sarlacc" Button? I feel cheated!
- The Bunyip
A sad scenario, really.
It seems that Brendan is like a child with a new toy, in that he's referred several times to the Peter Principle. This is a fine book, based on the researches of Prof. Laurence J. Peter (right, Brendan?).
But Peter has not used his argument to its fullest value: He has been misled by Peter's spurious discounting of the canonical work on bureaucracy:
Parkinson, C. Northcote Parkinson's Law on the Pursuit of Progress 1955
Having read both, I'm certain that I'm able to comment on the value of one of Parkinson's founding principles:
Managers don't want competitors: they want subordinates.
Think about it: The Pointy-Haired Boss still has to go to other meetings, to try to impress the CEOs and VPs that he's capable of cutting the mustard better than all those at his level. Drew's immediate superior (Weatherfield?) keeps him and Mimi in close proximity, so that they'll be kept too busy infighting to ever pose a threat to his position. (It seems to be the one act of management he can carry out well, other than handling layoffs with panache.)
So, when Dogmert (naturally, he is the only one who would merge such companies) carries out his merger, whom will he want? As a devotee of Parkinson, he can use Drew to keep the infighting humming smoothly. Too few middle managers, and the company could become profitable and spoil his master plan. (I refer Brendan to the Level of Super-Competence chapter, at the end of the Peter Principle.) I don't know what his plan is, but it probably involves further layoffs and stock options. If Drew was to find out what it involved, and had enough free time (after the layoffs) to take action, who knows what might happen?
Dilbert, on the other hand, needn't care. There are plenty of other companies with PHBs, who will be eager to hire him for a pittance. And chances are, Drew is in the DNRC.
In short, Dogbert wins, as he's never limited himself to just one management book. Drew is the one who isn't laid off; and Dilbert is transferred through a Dante-esque life, oscillating between corporate cog and unwitting pawn.
- Second-hand books shops teach us so much, if we aren't afraid of skin diseases from the previous handlers.
the guy who did the narration for the Wonder Years... "I can look back now on that time when Drew Carey stomped my ass into the ground and then used me to park his bike....with wonder."
Drew's got Kate....Kate!!!!
Dilberts got that annoying redhead from Suddenly Susan, and we all know how well that show's doing.
And let's not forget the one thing that Drew Carey does well that Dilbert doesn't even come close to...
Show stopping Musical Numbers!!!!
It takes balls to put yourself off as the average middle class American beer drinker and still perform a West Side Story-esque Rocky Horror Picture Show versus Priscilla, Queen of the Desert number. And of course Mimi can destroy the casts of both shows just by putting on makeup.
The choice is obvious, Dilbert is Drew's puppet. There can be only one.
And don't forget he's got Kate. Kate!!!!
- Chris Zaczek
1. Pointy hair can't think
2. Dilbert can think.
3. Drew... well he did get published in an earlier grudge (Seinfeld
Vs friends) and got the couch in a responce.
So my answer is this, Dilbert and Drew will lay the beatdown on the Pointy hair guy when he comes back and Drew will be CEO of the business... of course...that's usually two week maximum. Nobody WANTS to be ceo that long. So we will have TECHNO-BEER! Made just the right way, without any delays, downsizing or anything ^_^
- Zeek "Buzz BEER" Silverfire
Dilbert is two dimensional. He can simply turn sideways and the management boy can't touch him, while Dilbert is free to dish out as many Paper-Cuts of Doom(tm) as he feels like.
Dilbert in 24 seconds, with still enough time to foil Dogbert's plans for world domination.
- The Black Snotling, who prefers the English "Whose Line..." anyway.
- Broken Cubicle Worker
- The Rock
- Billy Bob, the Druken Degobhavan
- Joe Gottman
Drew has a crummy job and a co-worker who's permanently ticked off because her title role in The Blair Witch Project was left on the cutting-room floor. However, he moonlights as host of a popular improv show, and off the job, he has friends, occasional dates, and fun in general. His response to this trying but eminently tolerable life is beer, and plenty of it. He has taken the easy way out.
Dilbert has a job where people's souls get ripped out and stored in jars. He lives with talking animals, from a dog to a rat to dinosaurs. He may have lost his virginity, but this remains only a rumor. Over the last few years, his co-workers have gotten so much exposure in his comic strip, one almost forgets why it's named after him. Despite all this, we have never seen him drink anything stronger than soda or office coffee. His response to a life of frustration, horror, and insanity is stone-cold sobriety. That demonstrates an inner strength far beyond that of mortal man, a strength tempered in the fiercest of forges, one that no pointy-haired boss can break.
If Drew is wise, he will see the glint in Dilbert's eye hinting at deep-hidden powers that would make Cthulhu wobbly-kneed, and run away fast. Okay, as fast as he can run.
- Call me Shane
- Adam B.
KPI's and KRA's notwithstanding, Drew's potential stronger angst factor (ie RAGEtm) in any potential health and safety altercation, would be negated by Dilberts knowledge of fulcrums, power verses weight ratio's and general surveying equipment available to him.
At the end of any potential performance assessment, Dilberts ability to "delight the customer" and "exceed expectations" would be his main saving grace.
- HR Consultant (Catbert)
He works well under pressure and can always get any job done at any expense. He would quickly send Dilbert packing his bags before you could say "Are you going to eat that snickers bar?"
- I'm not the alien's brother!!!!!
Now, I know what you're thinking: Poor Silverback, he's finally gone non compis mentis (Latin for a few phlegm cookies short of a chest cold) and needs to be medicated up to his eyeballs. But wait- this is the sentient couch from Friends vs. Seinfeld and it will do anything for the guy who saved it from spending the rest of it's life with the only Manhattanites more annoying than Woody Allen.
Returning at the end of the workday with a secure career, Drew gets the couch two regurgitate a half-conscious Dilbert and gives it a snack (a universal remote and $1.42 in loose change) to reward it. Kate, Lewis and Oswald help him dump the comatose comic character at the local Radio Shack, where he is mistaken for a sleeping employee for 3 days before he wakes up with a fuzzy head and the aftertaste of foam rubber and old flatulence. So in the end, newsprint folds, but Cleveland rocks.
- Mr. Silverback- Demonstrating once again that "a foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of a small mind."
So he heads to the one place that will help him, as it has helped him before. A refuge for rebels, and our last, best hope for peace. Babylon 5. (What, don't believe me? Scott Adams turned up in the 4th season episode 'Moments of Transition').
Deep in the heart of the space station, Security Chief Michael Garibaldi eyes Scott suspiciously. "You weren't kidding last time about your cat and dog wanting to take over the galaxy, were you?"
"Look, I can explain later" Scott says hastily. "But I need your help" and he explains the situation. When he mentions Drew Carey, Garibaldi scowls. "No middle management ratbag is gonna mess with Drew if I have anything to say about it - he's been good to us." (The Drew Carey Show did a homage to B5 in the episode 'Three Guys, A Girl & A B-Story')
Garibaldi produces a smile that would make Bester run away screaming and says softly "The Great Maker(TM) isn't gonna like this at all."
As a result, Dilbert and Drew Carey keep their jobs, thanks to JMS and the Narn Bat Squad.
- Nicky Lewer
- Kilgore Trout
Drew, on the other hand, has drank enough beer to kill off the same amount of brain cells.
Dogbert and Mimi trade "wity" barbs for the rest of enternity, each trying to out do the other, not caring one way or another about Drew and Dilbert.
Ratbert and Lewis, both being victims of a drug lab, run off together and get married.
Oswald and Wally sit around and compare slacking off stories.
Kate and Tina the Technical Writer give up on their men and run off to have a lesbian affair.
Mr. Wilks and Pointy-Haired Boss, in their ineptitude, can't figure out how to get out of their respective offices.
Catbert just stands there trying to fire them all, but no one is listening to him anymore.
So the garbage man walks in, makes a atom-splitter from an old can of tuna, a banana peel and used kitty litter, and nukes them all.
Thus, the winner, the garbage man.
His career has lasted over twenty years.
He has two Grammies.
He plays multiple instruments.
He writes all his own songs.
He's a genuinely funny guy.
He is one of the greatest live performers ever.
He is one of the best white rappers ever.
His fans are some of the most devoted in history.
He helped both Yoda and Santa Claus to victory here at the Grudge Match.
I am, of course, talking about "Weird Al" Yankovic.
Yes, "Weird Al" is friends with Drew Carey. If you look at the video for his Puff Daddy parody, "It's All About the Pentiums," you can see Drew Carey playing Mase. So, if Drew remembers to call Al, Dilbert will suddenly have an accordion slamming into his ribcage and Harvey the Wonder Hamster digging up his nose.
- My name is Kenny -- and I'm an Al-oholic
I'm thinking that when the boss returns, Drew will assemble the entire cast of his show and jump into a huge Broadway number from "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying". He convincd the Dutch, why not a pointy-haired peabrain? And after his heart- wrenching song, the Boss will be so enamored that he will fire Dilbert and not Drew.
WHAT?! What kinda loser ARE you!?
I'm your Voice of Reason(tm), DANGIT! And reason is definitely missing in this situatuion.
What are you talking about?
How could anyone in thier right mind choose Drew over Dilbert?
Umm... Drew can "get some"?
Yeah, after he PAYS them! Dilbert has BALLS!! He faces the same insanity day-in, day-out, making eveyone laugh AT HIS OWN EXPENSE! Can Drew do that?
Umm... he does really horrid improv on "Whose Line?"...
Are you listening to a WORD I'm saying?
ALRIGHT! THAT'S IT! I'm shuttin' this joint DOWN!! Consider Mr. Potato Head's fountains of lunacy OFF LIMITS!
Wha...? WAIT!! STOP!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!
- This message brought to you by Mr. Potato Head's Voice of Reason with the annual financial support of the Thought Police and Viewers like You!
For those of you who do not know, the Peter Principle(tm) was devised by Dr. Laurence J. Peter to explain competence and incompetence in hierarchies (like business or the military). Here it is in a nutshell:
In a hierarchy individuals tend to rise to their levels of incompetence.
Did you ever wonder how that idiot who cannot find his ass with both hands became your boss? Or how that extraordinarily boring teacher has remained on the university staff for the past 20 years? Or how the military can spend $500 on a toilet seat? Well, now you know. People who actually can do their job are worthy of a promotion but once they get promoted to a job that they cannot do, they are no longer worthy of promotion. So they get stuck trying to perform a task that they are totally unsuited for until they retire or get promoted (i.e. shoved out of the way) to VP of Oddly Shaped Paper Clips.
So how does this apply to this situation? Well, one of the commandments of the Peter Principle is "the hierarchy must be preserved." So, logically, the more valuable employee will be the choice to stay.
Let's compare our two choices:
DILBERT: A very competent engineer that has provided the company with useful service despite the meddlings of idiots. Owns several key employees including Human Resources Director Catbert, SuperTemp Ratbert and Dogbert, the most popular consultant. Plus, he tolerates all sort of crap that would cause other people to quit. He is indispensable.
DREW CAREY: A middle manager in Personnel. Personnel is one of the least important parts of any company - Robert Townsend in his book "Further Up the Organization" advises to "Fire the whole personnel department" in his plan to run an efficient company. "Middle manager" is synonymous with "armpit of private sector that does no useful work." Plus, Drew feuds with his fellow employees and makes waves by dating senior citizens. Most importantly, once Dilbert rigs his palmtop to channel the static electricity from the rug into a blaster, Drew is going to be the ultimate incompetent: DEAD!
The choice is obvious: DREW! Competence is determined by the management which is brain dead anyway. A dead man would fit perfectly. Drew the corpse stays on and eventually gets promoted to VP. Dilbert eventually ends up OWNING the company, but that is another story.
In a related story, after this next match, I will be stepping down as Grand Poobah of WWWF Ground Zero(tm) in favor of Brian(tm) and Steve(tm). Hence, I will be demoted, guaranteeing my continued competence, while the founders languish with greater responsibilities. Soon, I will be the most powerful man in all the WWWF while everyone else does all the work. O Peter Principle, how I love thee.
- Paul G.
Like Dilbert and Drew couldn't convince the Pointed Hair Boss that he was was the first to leave the room therefore he is the one that is fired.
If you liked this match, check out these other past
Pinky and The Brain v. Dogbert
Cliff Clavin v. Newman
Wilson v. Flanders
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