World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF logo by Aaron Lindgren

G2: Grudgement Day

The Scenario

The 10-year old Crown Prince (favorite nephew of the King and heir apparent of the small, but outrageously wealthy, nation of Moolah) was to have the most outlandish birthday party ever conceived. On fifteen square miles of previously unusable desert, a fantastic paradise had been created complete with a full-sized amusement park, zoo, playground, Chuck-E-Cheese restaurant, video arcade, and three-ring circus staffed by over ten thousand elite servants. Over a thousand children had been brought in from the world over to be his playmates in what promised to be the greatest birthday party ever. There was just one problem:

The prince was bored.

Nothing had worked. Everything from Penn & Teller to the Harlem Globetrotters to the belly-dancing cast of Baywatch had failed to elicit even a smirk. Desperate, the King commanded that drastic steps be taken to entertain his beloved nephew. Within hours, a 767-rated airstrip was laid down, and four private jets came in for landings. Lured with obscene cash payments, the world's greatest clowns--Bozo, Homey, Krusty, and Ronald McDonald--were ushered into the young prince's presence.

The Crown Prince looked them over as forklifts unloaded tons of clown props from the planes. The King watched in hopeful anticipation, until his nephew spoke:


Large shoes began shuffling nervously. "But I love clown fights," he continued. A fierce glint lit his eyes. "You must fight to the death for the privilege of entertaining me before taking your leave. This will amuse me."

Visibly relieved, the King raised his arms and clapped his hands twice to initiate the preparations for the battle that would finally entertain his jaded nephew. The clowns' protestations were met by the King's elite guard, who explained that the Prince's wish would be met, and that the victor would walk away with the cash of the vanquished.

So HotBranch!, claim the combative clown who captures the cornucopia of cash in this comedic conflict.

Krusty the Clown, The Simpsons Ronald McDonald Bozo the Clown Homey D. Clown, In Living Color

Krusty the Clown


Ronald McDonald


Bozo the Clown


Homey D. Clown

The Commentary

HOTBRANCH: Sorry to announce this, guys, but you wasted your time showing up. You'd best not attempt argue against the über-clown, because you'll be hanging with Gabbo in the loser scrap heap! Krusty has all the bases covered: he is loved by children everywhere, has his own chain of fast-food restaurants, a clown college, and more endorsements than Michael Jordan™. No matter the odds, Krusty always emerges victorious. Do I really need to point out the Simpsons' amazing 4-1 record in the WWWF?

If Krusty has any trouble disposing of the competition, he has enough allies to help him lay down some serious smack. It begins with the psychotically violent duo of Itchy & Scratchy. Sideshow Bob and Corporal Punishment will no doubt be armed to the teeth, and don't forget Fat Tony's "Legitimate Businessman's Social Club". Nobody messes with the Mob's favorite entertainer. NOBODY!

There is also the vast array of defective Krusty Brand™ products that Krusty originally intended to pawn off on the rich and naive Moolahs. He can use items like the Lady Krusty™ (Is my upper lip supposed to bleed like this?), Krusty Brand Cereal™ (Jagged metal Krusty-O in every box!), and even WWWF Ground Zero™ (No advertising AND IT SHOWS!) to beat the crap out of his opponents. If all else fails, you just KNOW that Krusty is packing a few extra Krusty dolls with his props. Once he switches those dolls to "Evil", the battle is over and Krusty can finally settle his debt with the IRS. If they know what's good for them, Boz-o, Ron-o, and Hom-o will just lie down and play dead.

JOHN: Hey, HotBranch has a great point! Too bad it's on the top of his head. This one goes to the original wu-tang clown, Ronald McDonald, who's got all the tools of his trade at his disposal. The first opponent to make a move towards the clown prince receives an instant enema of piping hot fry vat grease, followed closely by a size 37 red shoe. If he so chooses, McDonald can also spray his opponents with his special sauce (read: napalm), Shamrock Shakes (formulated to damage all but the Irish™), or that concentrated agent orange crap they give away free to bake sales. (C'mon, you knew they were testing that stuff for the army, didn't you? Why else would they give it away?)

Beyond this, McDonald's got backup. Ronald McDonald's insane clown posse includes a convicted felon, a giant burger with significant political pull, a six foot tall bird geared up for aerial bombardment, and the giant purple people eater, Grimace. Imagine, if you will, a Grimace-splash. Now imagine a Grimace-splash off the top of a steel cage. Now imagine a Grimace-splash launched from orbit. (I know, I'm getting carried away, but just close your eyes and enjoy) Beyond these heavy hitters, the McDonalds corporation simply has too much manpower at its disposal. 24,500 restaurants worldwide, each employing an average of 150 acne-ridden sullen teens and part-time wage slave seniors equals an army of roughly 3.6 million footsoldiers, each stepping forth to volley lethal, concrete-hard McNuggets™ at their foes.

In the end, Ronald McDonald stands astride the fallen bodies of his battered and bruised opponents. His eyes are wild with bloodlust as he screams the last words his foes will ever hear: "Do you want fries with that... bitch?!"


JEFF: You guys are totally missing the crucial factor. Now I know Bozo may be a bit of a dark horse here, but he is actually the only one of the clowns who has any formal clowning experience, and the only clown with the physical stamina to go the distance.

You see, Bozo got his start in the circus. The CIRCUS, man. We're talking about the "every one pitches in to put up the Big Top," "you had better know how to walk the tight rope in case of a disaster," "it's your turn to feed the lions and all we have is Hamburger Helper," and "can someone help me control this rampaging elephant" freaking circus. Granted, he has been in the relatively safe confines of syndicated television for a while, but the muscles he built up driving tent stakes, and the skills he learned from the Flying Garbonzo Brothers will set him miles ahead of his competition.

Speaking of the Garbonzo Brothers, it would not surprise me if a number of Bozo's old comrades were also invited to Moolah for the festivities (unlike, say, Ronald's teenage supporters, who, even if they were paid enough to make the trip, can't even find their own country on a world map, much less the distant and oft overlooked land of Moolah). You know, even if Ronald's supporters did make it on time (John, have you been to a McDonalds lately? They make the DMV look spry), there is still the problem of the Imperial Guards. While those teenagers will go down like winter wheat before the harvester when the guards open fire, those same AK-47s lack stopping power when confronting Herman, the formerly-rampaging but now heavily-sedated yet still generally pissed-off-because-he-hasn't-gotten-laid-since-they-put-him-on-Prozac™ full-grown bull-elephant (as seen on FOX's When Animals Attack).

But getting back to clowning, when it comes to what it really takes to win an actual clown fight, there is no substitute for a rigorous, formal training in clowning, and Bozo is the only real clown in the group. Whether its fighting it out inside a very small car or tricking your fellow clown into smelling your cyanide-squirting fake flower, or assuring the distressed clown atop the burning building that it is perfectly safe to jump into the half-full tub of superglue, Bozo will have the clear advantage of a genuine, circus-style clowning career. I haven't ever seen Homey or Ronald juggle or ride an excruciatingly small tricycle or demonstrate any of the other staple clown skills. I just don't think they've really paid their dues. While they might be able to intimidate, manipulate, or mutilate small children, they are just not crafty enough to take on a fellow clown. Now Krusty seems to have some basic clowning skills, but judging from the five packs a day and his history of multiple quadruple-coronary-bypass surgeries, I doubt he has the physical stamina to go the distance.

I see Bozo taking the victory, and clowning contracts with two of the more renowned burger franchises.

JOE: You guys are all SOO-OOO wrong its not even funny (get it...FUNNY?!?...In a CLOWNS match?!?...oh, never mind.) Homey the Clown is the only competitor of the group with any combat experience. Namely, whompin' people on the head with a sock. This may not seem like much until you have seen a Steven Seagal movie and then, only then, do you realize what a powerful weapon a sock can be. The only possible outcome of this scenario is a constant stream of three out of shape clowns screaming, "Ow, Homey, you broke my RUBBER NOSE!!!"

Secondly, as far as back-up goes, Homey has his old buddy Bruce "The Last Boy Scout" Willis. So the Simpsons are 4-1 in the Grudge Match...Who cares?! Have they ever beaten the Death Star?! International terrorists are an everyday occurance for this man, how could three aging lard-ass clowns possibly be a match for him?

The way I see it, John McClane pulls out an uzi and wastes all of the additional help all three of these competitors could bring with them. Then, with only the clowns left, Homey proceedes to use "Sock 'Em - Fu"™ to beat each of them into a bloody pulp. The coroners later have to search through a puddle of blood, intestines, and 13 inch shoes in a vain attempt to identify the corpses. Then Homey turns to the Crown Prince and says,

"So, little kiddie, you don't like clowns..."


"Homey don't play that!!"

Thanks to the hordes of people who suggested that we "send up the clowns".
Special thanks to Meng Mantasoot for being the first to suggest a battle royale.

For more anti-clown info and resources, head over to beware the grease-painted ones.

The Results

Krusty the Clown (594 - 46.4%)

socks it to

Homey D. Clown (480 - 37.5%)


Ronald McDonald (113 - 8.8%)


Bozo the Clown (93 - 7.3%)

Current Match | Related & Similar Matches
History Section | Tell a friend about this match

Voter Comments


Gold Grudgie

My friends, you have now tread upon sacred ground. I am a survivor of working in multiple McDonald's. (They were all owned by one guy, I was sort of a special forces guy.) Do you know what kind of emotions can build up working at McDonald's for even a few months? Screaming children, PMS uber-moms in minivans, large irritated greasy construction workers and then there's the difficult customers. Putting up with this plus having to eat the stuff all the time. (It's not that bad, but day in and day out...) And then there's the little high school girls that bat their eyelashes at you and get you in serious shit with your fiancee. I'm telling you Ronald now has a severe, no holds barred case of the RAGE (tm). Yes, this man may look friendly, but when the fists start flying, there will be blood shed. Buckets. Also, I've been "In Country" if you will, Grimace and Hamburglar. I was in the Grimace suit during winter one year for the Christmas parade. A bitter winter where there's no snow, it's just damn cold. But in this Grimace suit I was sweating copiously sucking down Mountain Dew to survive. Now just imagine the real Grimace. This is in the desert so he's gonna be hot and he's gonna be pissed. Hamburglar? He knows how prisoners in this part of the world are treated and there's no way he's going to the slammer, he will maim, destroy, fold, spindle and mutilate to keep free. Yes my friends, I know the pain: I know the result. Ronald in a messy, but decisive win.

- Captain Scott, multiple McDonald's survivor

ROTW ™ Silver Medal Grudgie ™

Silver Grudgie

The worst thing that ever happened to me involving Ronald McDonald was when I got mugged by some guy in the bathroom of a McDonalds in Long Branch, New Jersey. He took the money from my wallet, then (this is the humiliating part) he made me empty my pockets. I had change and candy. He took both! I was mugged of my Blow-Pops!

The worst thing that ever happened to me involving Homey D. Clown was watching anything else in the last ten years ever touched by a Wayans. Ignoring Damon's contributions (Major Payne, Bulletproof, Mo' Money, the Great White Hype, Celtics Pride, Blankman), that leaves Booty Call, Most Wanted, A Low-Down Dirty Shame, Senseless, Don't be a Menace..., The Keenan Ivory Wayans Show, the Wayans Brothers, and a few others my mind won't allow me to recall.

The worst thing which ever happened to me involving Krusty was the pantheon of dog-sick which Fox would show after any of their successful shows. Woops, Good Grief, the later seasons of Herman's Head, Duet, Open House, Top of the Heap...I don't have the strength to continue typing.

That leaves Bozo. There has been nothing bad that ver happened to be invovling Bozo. In fact, after Bozo was over there was an hour and a half of Transformers, G.I. Joe and Voltron. God bless Bozo, and the happy childhood memories he brings me.

- Wubbie

ROTW ™ Bronze Medal Grudgie ™

Bronze Grudgie

What to say, what to say...oh, I've got it: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Youv'e got to be kidding me! Homey D. Clown is a clown BECAUSE IT'S A REQUIREMENT FROM HIS POLICE BARGAIN!!!!! Now seriously, who's gonna win, a old Jewish man with a quadruple bypass, two children's idols, or an EX-CONVICT?!?!?!?!? That's correct, it's Homey! I can see it now:

"So, Krusty, you wanna see me juggle five oranges?"
"Uh, sure homey."
<WHAP!> "Homey don't play that!"

"Hey Ronald, want me to make a balloon animal?"
"Go right ahead."
<WHAP!> "Homey don't play that!"

"Bozo, how about a story?"
"I'd like to hear it."
"Once upon a time, I carried around a sock with dead weight around it to teach other clowns like you to <WHAP!> play dead."

Have Homey lose? Devin don't play that!

Brendan, I'd like to fight you, but apparently, you "don't play that." Sleep tight....heh heh heh!

- Devin The Mental Hospital Escapee<WHAP!>Ow, what'd I do, Homey?

Oh please. Good ol' Hershel Krustovsky's going to bag this one faster than you can say "Hey kids! Whahahahaha!"
Let's face it. Sure, Ronald and him both have fast food restaurants but with what they put in Krusty Burgers (TM), Krusty can use that as biological warfare. Down goes McDonald.
Next up is Bozo "The Veteran" The Clown. While he starts making baloon animals of honking his noze, Krusty uses all the experience he gathered watching Itchy and Scratchy(TM) and puts it to good use. Before you know it, Krusty is juggling with Bozo's head and three Krusty Burgers (TM) left over from Ronald McDonald.
Left only with the only racial clown, Krusty becomes empowered with the RAGE (TM), as he screams "YOU MAY BE BLACK, BUT I'M JEWISH! FEEL THE WRATH OF YAVWEH!" After a few seconds of Krusty throwing some of his dangerous merchandise at his hapless target, there isn't anything left but some blood all over, which will probably be used as Secret Sauce for more Krusty Burgers (TM). 'Nuff Said.

- The Mighty Blou

ding ding! There's the bell.

The first one out is Bozo. He doesn't even last a heart beat. Bozo just doesn't have a violent bone in his body. All he wants to do is entertain kids. Pure and simple. Estimated time of elimination: 1 second.

Next out is Ronald. Like Bozo, he isn't the fightin' type. But he's got backup. Still with the likes of Grimace, The Hamburgler, Birdie, and the Fry kids, it's like going into World War III with ABBA armed with toothbrushes. Estimated time of elimination: 4 minutes 33 seconds.

Even though it goes against every thing I believe in, Krusty won't win. Sure he'll last a while since he's a dirty underhanded cheat, but c'mon. This is Homey. He was raised in the projects. He's done time. He's got a sock and he knows how to use it. He might get rocked by some rancid Krusty Burger Brand cole slaw, but it won't last long. Sorry Krusty. Estimated time of elimination: 15 minutes 29 seconds.

Damn clowns.

- disco volante

I haven't commented on a Grudge since it was under the old management. Now it's four guys, not two. Grunt... Kids today, I dunno...

But anyway:

My vote goes to Homey. It's an important factor and none of you mentioned it: THE RAGE(tm). I'm sure that, even if Prince Moolah (or whatever deus ex-machina plot-deviceboy's name is) *hadn't* found fault with the clowns and ordered them to kill each other, Homey would have put the smack down on all of those tard-ass face- painters. Remember, this is the clown-brother who, at one point, accepted a job at Chez Whitey and toadied up to white bureaucrats, parked cars and -- yes, even SHINED SHOES -- just so he could be granted audience with THE MAN, the source of all intolerance and fat- cattism... just so he could whap him with that sock (which, incidentally, is filled with about $20 in nickels, as seen in the first Death Wish, but I digress) ... Yes, it was all a plot to Bap The Man. Homey is the angriest clown on earth, and it's not a flailing-limbs, drool-flying-out-the-mouth, eyes-bugging-out kind of angry, it's a quiet storm, hooded cobra leaning back casually before striking, sedate bass rumble of an oncoming nuclear explosion kind of angry. Homey barely qualifies as a clown because he doesn't do all that leapin' around shit, and as such he is the only clown on Earth that I respect.

Here's what happens. He advances on Krusty, gently but firmly puts his hands on either side of his head, and snaps his neck. Then he turns on Ronald, clubs him in the McNuggets, breaks his McRibs, collapses his McClavicle with that big-ass shoe, and leaves him in a widening pool of special sauce. Finally, he turns on Bozo, swats an oncoming cream pie out of the way, unholsters a pair of Baretta 9mm's, and puts 32 bullets in Bozo, Spicy-Handed John Woo style. Then, when Prince Moolah claps his pudgy hands together in terrified appreciation, Homey pulls a Tommy DeVito: WHy are you clapping? What, do I amuse you? Do you find my appearance *FUNNY*? Here's a little alphabet lesson. Because of his A -- Attitude, We think Homey has been in prison B -- Before. And he isn't afraid of going back if the reason's right. He walks accross the courtyard, elbowing already-stunned guards in the neck, gets within six inches of the brat, unrolls that weighted sock, and ...


... caves the little bastard's skull in.

"Homey don't play that", he says, raising his hands into the air as the outraged guards begin to run to the scene.

Man, that's a powerful scene. Filmed properly it could be really.... Funny.

- Scott Randall

YOU FOOLS! Your inclusion of Krusty guarantees that Simpsons fanboys will stuff the voting box, masking the true victory of...


The Great Outer Purple One, Dark Lavender Thing of the Woods with a Thousand Young. For a long time, people who know of such things have recognized McDonalds as the Harbinger of the Void, not just because of their fruit-flavored dessert pies, but also for the fact that they've been educating generations of children to accept, nay, love the Cthonic Elders, by having a PsuedoLovecraftian-lookin' mothaf**ka dancin' around in their commercials. It's not enough that Hamburgler leads thousands of children to a life of crime, but also that every happy meal bought and [shudder] consumed acts like water over a prayer wheel, prying the minds of our children open to the nameless horrors of the Outer Ones.

It's funny, what goes into successful advertising.

At least it combats the evil tyranny of the Iron-fister Burger King,

- --Rosencrantz

Oh, come on guys. This isn't fair. First of all, the prince said he liked clown fights, not battles between the clowns' minions. The King isn't gonna let 3.6 million pasty-faced teens with the collective thinking power of a slow chimp into the ring if the prince starts throwing a tantrum. Here's the breakdown:

Krusty grabs Ronald, forcing his face down onto a grill of Krusty(tm)- brand pork products. Ronald is hideously burned (melted?) while Krusty growls, "tell me what you think of the other white meat(tm), you BASTARD!" Krusty takes out Ronald in 21.8 seconds.

While this is going on, Bozo and Homey square off. Bozo says something to the effect that Homey is a lame-ass ripoff of himself, whereupon Homey smacks him in the head, and then in the rubber parts with the sock. Bozo goes down, and Homey grabs Bozo's head. Over the sound of tendons avulsing, Homey says, "now there's your rip-off, bitch." Homey over Bozo, 33 seconds, while an amazed Krusty looks on. Homey turns to Krusty and both start circling. Which has the RAGE(tm)? The silence is broken.

"Y'know, Homey, if we fight, I might lose my show, which means I'm broke, and then there won't be any phonies hanging on to my every word!"

"Yeah, Krusty, and maybe I won't get to make any more stupid 1-800- COLLECT(tm) ads and make money without even trying to be funny."

"You know, Homey, we could team up and use our muscle to take over this dump, and monopolize the airwaves with my show and your commercials! Think of the merchandising cash! I could buy a solid gold pacemaker!"

"I'm with you, Krusty!" Both clowns turn their rancor on the royal court. The Imperial Guard, sick of the King's and Prince's whining, do nothing to avert the carnage.

The winner: Homey, because he works less for his money.

- Squidboy of the Windy City

Ronald McDonald is going to take this one, because he, unlike the others, controlls the Forces of Darkness. No, not Teeny Beanie Babies(TM), I mean genuine Magic! Ronald has overcome Urkel-voiced dragons, the Fryguys, the Hamburglar, and even a freakin' CGI special effect! Can any other "clown" boast the ability to warp space and time like Ronald has, actually violating the Second Law of Thermodynamics and CLEANING A KID'S ROOM? That's Mary Poppins-level power! Ronald will "fry" the competition before you can say "Heyyyy, KIDS!!!"

- - Antares435

While I support the efforts of Homey the Clown, who I feel would definately rise as the victor among his opponents (one must recognize his unmentioned advantage... the black rage (tm)), there is a factor unyet anticipated in the battle.

After hours of exploding pies, hand grenade foam balls, and mentally scarring the bejesus out of millions of children world wide (of coarse Don King will pay per view this event at $39.95), this would be the aftermath:

1)Ronald with 4 armies of fightin' mad (tm) employees steps up. over 3/4 disgruntled teenagers and seniors turn on Ronald McDonald and the other 1/4 employees in a terrifying episode of sedition rivaling that of the Irish mercenaries in Braveheart. Ronald is hung like Mussolini and eaten my over 103 billion people over the next 20 years. After the murder is through, the rebelious crew leaves for the computers at home to write poorly erotic cyber-porn.

2)Krusty, while stockpiling his barely-legal and unstable array of explosive alarm clocks, flamable fire trucks, and the ever popular Bag-o'-Broken-Glass (tm), is systematically stabbed over 29 times by various circus assistants including Sideshow Bob and Mel, a cigar smoking chimp on rollerskates, Sideshow Luke Perry, Itchy and Scratchy animators, and an assortment of other backstage help that has been tormented and tortured over the past decades on the Krusty the Klown Show. It is Julius Caesar circa 1999, baby.

3)Bozo the Clown, it is forgotten, is dead and his resurrected corpse is too busy trying to devour fresh brains to fully participate in the festivities. Since there lacks a full 2 ounces of brains among the hundreds of thousands of McDonald's employees and the Krusty the Klown crew are animated (thus celluloid is a foul duplicate for the tender delicacy of the brains of a living human), the only recourse for Bozo is to go after the largest source of brains on the scene: the imperial gaurd which ultimately perforates him with about 8000 rounds when he makes 3 steps towards them.

4)Homey da Clown. He stands in confusion at the flesh eating Bozo and the traitorous armies of Ronald and Krusty. With his customary frown of the sight of stupidity, he walks to the prince and says, "Now give me my money, bitch." As the prince hands over the cash, Homey is so ruthlessly cut down by a acidic stream of flowery death from the day-lily adorned lapel of the JOKER! "That money is rightfully mine," he wheezes from his ruby-red lips. He snatches the money from the prince, dances an insane jig, then pulls out a 4-foot .357 from his baggy pants and blows a 24 inch hole in the boy. From a huge clown shaped blimp in the air, over 200 thugs dressed in black armed with Tommy Guns blow away the imperial gaurd.

This is how it will end.

- Rob (Dirk was already taken) Diggler

In case no one noticed, McDonald's is the Empire.

All those times Darth Vader was choking people without even touching them? That wasn't the Force. Those were strokes triggered by artery-clogging grease from all those Big Macs the Empire serves. Vader just knew to make the choking gesture whenever anyone started having a seizure.

Why do you think Yoda made such a big deal over feeding Luke root-leaf? The Force is nothing more than high blood pressure. Ronald McDonald has mastered it, and made Krusty, Bozo, and Homey it's victims. They are insignificant to the power of feeding your enemies processed meat products.

- Mike Leung

After serious contemplation, there can only be one left standing...
Devin the Mental Hospital escapee.

By his own admission, he's OD'ing on the Rage" and cans of, well, let's just say it's not Miller Lite, but it will be Miller Time" for Devin as he, in a homicidal rage, thinking they're all Brendan (Devin, being mental, has an image of Brendan with weird hair and big shoes). He wipes them all out.

By the way, Brendan, what do you say we gang up on Devin. I'll bring the straitjacket, you bring the Mace.

- Tristan "The Griffon Master" Pratt

Con: Out of shape, smokes, pacemaker, "it ain't make-up," lacks agility as shoes are WAY too big for his small feet.
Pro: It's for money and he's proud to be yer sell-out.

Con: Barry Manilow wrote at least one jingle for McDonalds. Willard Scott was once Ronald McDonald.
Pro: Bill Clinton will use/abuse all power to ensure the survival of his favorite restaurant.

Con: "He's nothing but a thinly disguised Satan for children" - Gladys Peterson, Get a Life!
Pro: "I love Bozo." - Fred Peterson, Get a Life!

Con: He's a pro
Pro: He's a con

- Mark Wentz

Basically Ronald McDonald wins cause McDonald's(TM) is evil and Ronald McDonald is the Devil. Look at all that red hair and the red shoes. Besides, no clown could stay that happy and cheery for 25 years. Maybe bozo, but he's dead (and what do you think killed him?) while Ronnie boy is as young as when he started. and as if those fry kids aren't satanic. they remind me of those face huggers from Aliens. And grimace used to give me nightmares....he's jsut a walking eggplant. Besides, there's a statue of Ronald sitting on a picnic bench right outside a McDonald's where i live and he looks like a pedophile. So although Krusty has more RAGE(TM) than a dunken monkey in heat, the prince of darkness will lay the smack down (TM) on all of those clowns, feast on thier inner organs and drink thier blood like cheap wine.

- God i need some sleep.

Bible, CLOWNS, 3rd Testament

Bozo left the room and wept, for he had messed up his weird hair and fallen off his God-forsaken unicycle. And the people of Moolah rejoiced.

Homey spoke. Homey said," Thou dost not like clowns! WWHHHAMETH! Homey dost not dare play like that!"

Krusty, with his infinite wisdom, slammed his head on the floor of the McDonalds Playplace to do his taxes in Heaven (Or...) And it was good.

And thus Ronald McDonald tied his three-meter shoelaces and walketh, filling the young prince's heart with happiness, bringing a smile to his face and fulfilling his dreams. But it was too happy. And thus God smote the annoying happy clowns Bozo, Homey... and then he smote, and then he smote some more! Hahahahahahahahaha! And he smote the wicked Mooligans until the poop flowed from all souls. But there was no TP for their bungholes, because with God, everything was finger-lickin good.

And thus God spake... He spoke.....

"Stupid Clowns."

- the indorkable sporkable egg

Unlike all his opponents, Homey has an attitude. This came as the result of years of oppression from "The Man". All this anger and the fact that he hails from the tough inner city˙means that Homey is tough and knows how to fight. Then there is his weapon - the sock. It may seem unimpressive, but it depends on what is in it. As Charles Bronson knew in the first "Death Wish", a sock full of coins (or Chuck E. Cheese tokens) can be a very deadly weapon. Equipped with such a sock, Homey can kill his opponents before they knew what happened. The fight would go like this: Homey: "I see. You want to beat up on Homey like a bunch of white L.A. cops did on Rodney King. I don't think so! Homey don't play that!" Then Homey would deliver skull-smashing blows with his sock full of tokens. The match would end in seconds. No slapstick can stand against an enraged man of the city streets.

- The Demented Astronomer

Homey's going to win this one easy. You forgot two of the most important things about this clown: 1. He lives in the hood, and 2. He hates "The Man" with a passion. Here's how it's going to work out.

Homey: I don't think so, Homey don't play that. Get'em, Homey's

(Suddenly, an entire squad of criminals, all dressed up like clowns, wearing gang colors, and packing heavy weapondry, blow away the other three clowns, leaving only Homey and the Prince alive.)

Prince: (confused) Wha...? Two DOZEN Homeys?!
Homey: You forgot, white boy, Homey lives in the 'hood. This is my gang.
Prince: You did well, name your reward!
Homey: To crack open a sixpack of whoop-ass on all of yo!
Prince: Wha?! (The Homeys waste him in a hail of bullets)

Homey: (Looking around) All right little children, what's the lesson you all learned here today?
Random brat: Um, always search people for guns before letting them onto you multi-billion dollar estate?

Homey WHACKS him on the head with a sock.

Homey: No, never be stupid enough to invite Homey to a party that's being thrown by The Man!

- Shadowknight

This seems like a toss up at first, but after comparing the gangs backing up each of the clowns, I see a clear cut winner.

Krusty's Backup- A bunch of Mafioso types with guns.

Bozo's Backup- Other clowns, a bunch of sideshow freaks, and a Ringmaster.

Homey's Backup- All those hard core gangsta types from "I'm Gonna Git You Sucka", including Kung Fu Joe, Hammer (Isaac Hayes) and Slammer (Jim Brown).

Ronald's Backup- A huge purple thing, a yellow bird, a little kid who steals hamburgers, a green thing, and a bunch of talking Chicken (rat?) McNuggets.

The way I see it Ronald and Bozo don't have much of a chance...they're immediately decimated by a hail of lead from both sides. So it's between Homey and Krusty.

It's another White Mafia vs. Black Gangsters. Anytime that happens, you know who has to get involved to help beat Whitey down? Shaft! He's the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about! So Homey's got John Shaft, a man who knows how to kick arse, Jim Brown, who beat up 40 aliens and ran across the entire country, and Isaac Hayes who is tied with Barry White for the sexiest voice. Unbeatable! That Shaft music starts going and Isaac starts going, and the Krusty & Ko. will be running for their lives.

Then Twist the DJ and the Fly Girls appear and start dancing with Homey, Shaft, and the rest. Homey tries to get with Jennifer Lopez, but she definitly digs Shaft. What does Homey think? "That Shaft is one bad mother..."

- mf

Well, I voted for Ronald, cuz he's got more lawyers than you could poke a baseball bat at, but in truth, here's the real winner:

Robert Gray, better known as Pennywise, better known as... IT

Krusty the Clown:
Krusty the Clown lives in Springfield, where extraodinary occurances happen, and people sometimes die by the truckload.
Derry, Maine, is a very extraordinary place where the murder rate is exceptionally high.

Homer may indeed be violent, taking Joe's word on it.
Every time something exceedingly violent occurs in Derry every 25 years, a clown is present. The shooting of the gang back in 1929, the burning of the Black Spot, etc... Always a clown there, enjoying the brutality.

Bozo the Clown:
I'm quoting here from "IT", by Stephen King:
"He looked like a cross between Bozo the Clown and Clarabell..." (Clarabell being another famous clown back in the 50's, for the ignorant)
So Bozo looks a bit like Pennywise... How odd...

Ronald McDonald:
Another excerpt from the aforementioned book:
"Had he lived to see the follwing year, he would have thought of Ronald McDonald before Bozo or Clarabell..."
The child in question did not live to see the next year - Pennywise tore his arm off, and he died of shock and blood loss.

So in one sentence:

All of the above are just Pennywise in disguise...

What then logically happens is that the battle occurs at night, the best time for your nightmares to work. The doors open, the four combatants approach each other to deul - and then merge into one giant mummy-clown/spider. All adults are either somewhere else, not suspecting a thing, or those few unlucky ones in there die of shock at such a horror. The Prince, just as the abomination closes in on his hapless throat, will hear the the last words he'll ever hear... "Oh, they FLOAT, Princey, how they FLOAT..."

- The Colonel

First I want to start by mocking Hotbranch! for his blatant misnaming of Krusty's sidekick.

Sideshow Mel is Krusty's sidekick, Bob wants to kill him, the names are not even remotely similar. However this is a understandable mistake since you're from Canada, after all we didn't expect a whole lot from a resident of America's Bitch in the first place.

Next, John's "commentary". You don't actually know anyone that works at McDonald's, do you? Several of my friends have. These people, as do all McDonald's employees, eventually come to hate their jobs and by extension life and everything in it, (resulting in the DMV effect Jeff mentions). They will throw themselves at the guns in hopes of ending the cycle of "You want that to go?", the ones that get through will drag the symbol of their despair (Ronald for those not paying attention) to his demise.

Jeff, Bozo may have the experience but just how old is he anyway? Ninety? Not much stamina there. Besides with him out of the way, Cooky (or Sandy, whoever) is free to lead the parade at the end of the show. So I wouldn't be surprised if an "accident" happened when Bozo started up his imported clown car in an attempt to run down his adveraries.

Joe, I'm afraid Homey has neither the name recognition nor the staying power of these others. His line has been regulated to the obscurity of a MST3K reference by Tom Servo and the FX Channel, which makes UPN look like NBC. Points were deducted for the pun

The winner is then Krusty, who will win simply because he is a Simpsons character. He will not win in a squash, Homey will secure plenty of sympathy votes but in the end the hordes of Simpsons fans will win.

- Ubiq.

So, two cannibals are eating a clown, when one looks at the other and says, "Hey, does this taste funny to you?"

Sorry, couldn't resist.

But back to the show. My money's on Homey D. Why? He's a street clown. He's done time. He's hardened. He's tough. And you know being a clown in prison means he KNOWS how to fight. The rest are all "upper-class" frilly-laced foo-foo clowns. Krusty is overweight and has a pacemaker--exercise ALONE could kill him, let alone the strain of actually fighting. Ronald has a chance--he does have the criminal background (he actually killed the original "McDonald's crew", hence why the have the new big-headed Hamburgler and don't have Mayor McCheese floating around--actually rumor has it that Ronald actually ATE Mayor McCheese--and if that's true we all know his cholestoral level is just through the rough and his heart could explode at any time), but years of eating his own food has degraded his once razor sharp skills to that of geriatric sloth. Bozo, well, what can be said about Bozo? His name alone has been turned into an adjective symbolizing ineptness...and by now he's what, 833 years old? No, Bozo won't survive this matter how much geritol he's taking. Nope. Homey D. is bound to take this one--he's young, he's angry, he's an ex-con. Nuff said.

- Three

Two of the combatants represent big evil corporations, but nobody's mentioned lawyers? That must be a WWWF first.

- Scotty

First, if I read the results from the carbon-14 test correctly, Bozo dates back to the early cretaceous. One good whap from Homey's sock and Bozo's hip would shatter like glass in Hiroshima on August 6, 1945. Besides, Bozo is losing his mind. More than once have I seen him building that imaginary doghouse.

Second, Ronald McDonald works for McDonald's. The clown probably welcomes death.

Third, Krusty the clown is that mythical creature of Springfieldian lore. He also works on television and loves money. In my opinion Krusty would would throw the fight by faking his own death (he has done that before). In return he would collect a enormous sum of money from Fat Tony and retire to a tropical island drinking rum and getting laid. Futhermore, he smokes likes frenchmen and has had heart surgery.

Finally, Homey has better backing plus that sock (which he could fill with rocks or possibly nickles). Face it, Homey has John McClane on his side. The man who defeated the Death Star. Also he has the entire cast of "I'm gonna get you Sucka". His brother Keenan would also bring in a battered Steven Seagal. I leave you with this... Homey is a bitter black man who had to take work as a clown. If that doesn't convince you that he would win I don't know what will.

- Chamberlain

Regrettably, I must choose the least cool clown to win this battle.

Let's look at the competition:

There's everyone's favorite clown, Krusty. Although, by far, the funniest clown, he is predestined to lose. He actually bet against the Harlem Globetrotters ("They used a freakin' ladder!")

Next is Homey. That's a tired character from a tired skit. Damon Wayans' only competition at the moment is "Bitterman" from those 1- 800-Collect numbers and the box office poison which courses through his veins, so we know he's not ready for battle.

Then comes Bozo. Being the original doesn't make you the best (That's the Marie Curie rule.)

Finally, we have Ronald. While no one even remotely cares about him, he does have one thing none of the others have: super powers. At the end of every commercial he uses his fingers to create the golden arches logo. I'm sure if you got Ronnie mad, he'd jump into full Japanimation Mode (Ronald flying in the air with streaking vertical lines in the air) and shoot beams of brain-splitting energy into his foes.

- Mike O.

This one is a little tough, but I believe that Ronald will take the win on this one. He is backed by money, influence, and the law. Allow me to explain:

Mr. M, as he is referred to in the corporate world, is the spokesman for one of the largest corporations in the world. He has the moolah to hire outside help or buy some sort of special golden suit or something, I don't know, be imaginitive people! What about the others? Krusty has a little money, but not enough to do some damage. I don't think Bozo ever broke minimum wage, and I think we all know that Homey didn't have jack. Ronald has a serious advantage here.

What about influence? Krusty influences small children... no help there. Homey can only influence one at a time, since his primary influence comes from whacking people silly with that sock. Most of the people Bozo influenced are probably too old to do anything to help him. I thought that guy was just a legend till now... But Ronald influences people of all types. He's got big-wig friends in high places, and probably has mob ties. Why do you think that the hamburger cop guy never catches the Hamburglar(tm) or busts Ronald on monopoly charges?

This brings me to the law. McDonalds has withstood lawsuit after frivolous lawsuit. It has advanced to the status of "Above the Law". Like I said, that cop guy that's always hanging around him is actually for protection.

Just think, right off the bat, he's going to run out there and bust Homey for a parole violation(leaving the country). I'll bet that right after that, the Hamburglar and those Fry guys rob Krusty blind while Mayor McCheese dispenses a healthy McAsswhoopin(tm) to Bozo. Finally, Ronald will call for the McChopper to pick him up and begin launching the hot apple pie strikes against their crappy country. In the end, Ronald will claim the country as his own and rule over his people with a troubled brow.... but that.... is another story....

- Shaft

I was saddened, but not surprised when I saw Ronald behind in the polls. The fact is, few people are actually educated to the extent of Ronalds skills and influence. I'm talking about . . .(drumroll) . . .the McUNDERGROUND. Yes, Ronald has his own world-wide society, not bent on world-domination, but destruction! Why else would they sell such crappy food? Sure they have no conscience, but that's not enough to warrant the corruption of America's youth abroad! Between the crappy plastic toys, the crappy burger-wrapping, the crappy burgers, and all else that is crap at McDonalds, children are being taught to treat the world like CRAP! Sure all this won't win the fight for Ronald, but it does show that he is more dangerous than anyone seems to expect. Let's look at the other contestants . . .

Krusty: Sure he has crap of his own, but he isn't evil. He's always on the run from the likes of the Mob and Sideshow Bob. Basically, he probably won't even show up. As far as his clown empire goes . . . well, it'll make a fine addition to the McUnderground after Ronald's victory.

Bozo: He doesn't even count. Trust me, I've seen his show.

Homey: Homey is tough, but he's nothing more than a thug. Ronald, being head of the McUnderground, has had plenty experience dealing with thugs. Homey won't be a problem for Ronald and his cronies.

Basically, the match will play out like this:

Krusty doesn't even show, as I predicted. Bozo is confident, but ignorant to what he is up against. Homey is ready to fight to the death, as all thugs are. Ronald is in his corner on his cell-phone, already making arrangments for the combined wealth of Bozo, Homey, and Krusty(once the gaurds catch him).


Me: The bell has rung folks! Signaling the beginning of our deathmatch. Remember, there can be only one winner. All bets are final.

Bozo strides into the middle of the ring, ready to take on Homey and Ronald. Homey looks around, and . . . he's making a dash for Ronald, folks! This could set the pace for the whole match! Homey swings at Ronald. The blow has landed, but . . . it seems to have done no damage! Ronald must have some extra protection in that tacky suit of his! He sure did come prepared!

Bozo sets his sights on Homey. He pulls out a pie and tosses it . . . and it hits! Homey's mad, but not even hindered. It looks like it'll take more than the standard gags to win this fight.

Homey runs for Bozo, swings, and HITS! The hit has knocked Bozo down to the ground. Homey looms over Bozo, ready to do him in . . . wait a sec . . . Bozo used the trick flower gag and squirted Homey! Uh-oh! It looks like all that water did was clean off some of the pie! Homey's out for blood more than ever now!

OUCH!! That looks like it hurt! I can't tell you exactly what happened, but right now, Homey is holding Bozo's decapitated head in one hand, and his heart in the other. It looks like we're down to two contestants!

All while Bozo and Homey duked it out, Ronald was content to watch, appearently enjoying the sport himself. Now he's ready to go on the offensive!

Ronald pulls out something that looks like a squirt gun! From what we saw from the trick flower gag, that's not likely to slow Homey, who is making another dash towards Ronald.

Homey is getting close now, but Ronald is just standing there, keeping his aim. Homey lungs and Ronald squirts . . . HOMEY IS DOWN! What was in that gun? Wait a sec . . . that's not water! It's McDonald's secret sauce! It's burrowing through Homey as we speak! He's not getting up! RONALD IS THE VICTOR!

Ok, it's not a happy ending considering Ronald's objectives, but it's inevitable.

- Master Cono

It'll go something like this:
Krusty's multiple bypass surgeries will prove his undoing, as he clutches his chest and collapses. As he starts flopping around on the ground like a deboned frog, Ronald McDonald will cackle with glee at the death of the clown who blckballed him from opening a restaurant in Springfield, then finish him off with those godawfully large shoes. Once the former Clown Prince of Springfield is riding a tiny little tricycle in Clown HellTM, Ronald will have to take a break to do the weather and wish the Crown Prince's grandmother a happy 125th birthday.
Bozo will take advantage of this break in the action by recruiting TV weatherman Al RokerTM. Embittered at the way Willard Scott beat him to the job of both Today Show Weatherman and original McDonald's mascot, and drooling over the prospect of all those free hamburgers Bozo has promised him, Al will be several hundred pounds of Ramapaging FuryTM bearing down on the hopeless Ronald like Free Willy on plankton-flavored children. All Bozo will have to do is stand back and watch in horror as Al swallows Ronald whole.
He won't have to watch for long, however, as Homey brings his Sock of DoomTM (stuffed with a Krusty Doll he looted off Springfield's Finest's body) down on the top of Bozo's woefully-unprotected Clown Skull.
Homey did play dat. And he won, beeeeeeeyatch!

- Bowie Hawkins

All these clowns are worthy foes, but Ronald is the only one who has fetishized cannibalism. He eats chicken yet he is friends with a chicken. He socializes with talking hamburgers yet also tears them apart with his teeth. Perhaps this is some sort of perverse communion, where Ronald kills and eats what he loves so it will always be one with him. Now, when I think of other clowns who follow the same pattern, one name comes to mind: John Wayne Gacy. This clown's speciality was befriending 13-year-olds, tricking them into putting on handcuffs, and subsequently torturing them for days. Much like the ruler of McDonaldland, Mr. Gacy claimed he loved the kids but didn't want them to leave...he'd carry around 'mementos' of his special time with them. Little things like bitten-off scrotums, severed nipples, and other keepsakes. Ronald will win, and the Crown Prince will indeed have a memorable birthday.

- -- W.F.

This really comes down not to a question of who wins (it's going to be The Harlequin of Hamburgers) but a question of delivery systems. Will it be Chinese GPS-MIRV ICBMs that deliver the Kamikaze 300lb Vikings Fans, or will it be a stealth bomber? Oh, yeah, there's also the question of show tunes.

The Chinese don't want anything to happen to McDonalds, because they want to still be able to say "So what if you have no freedom of speech or religion, Comrade? You have a free market! Here, have a McDonalds Hamburger. The masking tape-like taste of freedom is yours!" This will keep the masses distracted, and prevent the Chinese politburo from getting garden tool enemas at the hands of 1 billion angry peasants. So they're out to protect ronald, even if it means war.

As for the U.S., if there's one thing we know from the past twelve months, it's this: Bill Clinton bombs foreign countries at the drop of his pants. We also know that the phrase "Gone faster than a Big Mac on Air force One" is accurate. So anyone who messes with Ronald messes with Bill Clinton's personal gratification, so the Moolahnese will be lucky to avoid being nuked.

Lastly, you've got Grimace and all the fellow members of the RPGA (Rotund Purple Guys Association). With Barney, Tinky-Winky and 500 of the aforementioned Vikings fans ready to rally to his aid, all he needs to do is hitch a ride to Moolah on somebody's military hardware. Look for the match (and the lives of three clowns and the Moolah royal family) to be interrupted by numerous flaming purple streaks, which impact with horrifying splatasticness (TM) on their targets. It takes no less than five Vikings fans and Barney to take Krusty down. McDonald collects his prize, thanks his dazed saviors, and crowns himself ruler of Moolah. As a thank-you gift, delivers the royal harem to Bill Clinton as a new intern pool, or to Jiang Zhemin as a road-building crew in the glorious People's Republic, depending on who helped him out.

Oh, one last thing: Tinky Winky was singing "Wash Taht Man Right Out of My Hair" from South Pacific on impact.

- Mr. Silverback- I'm too verklempt over the anniversary to put a good line here.

WHAT!!??? A violent clown fight to the death and I am not invited?? Who made this? Who is responsible? Who wants to shake?

As if a boozing Reform Jew, a has-been hack, a coporate stooge, or even an irate, racially charged, oppressed black man in big shoes could ever be as funny, as smart, as violent as I could be in my sleep. Why, I have killed more men women and children than all the grudge matches put together, (though you guys are impressive), and you refuse to let me add four more victims the the wall of shame. This really turns my hair green!!! None of these guys have what it takes. I mean, would Krusty ever turn the city's water supply into Jello? Mmm... Jello. I'm sorry, where was I? Oh, yes, the rant. Would Bozo ever beat a kid to death with a crowbar, just cause he had a silly name? Has Ronald ever put poison in a Happy Meal, to make the kids permanently happy? NO NEVER NOT ONCE. And he has had so many oportunities. Only Homey even uses a weapon, and that's just a blackjack!! Not acid filled creme pies, no razor tipped playing cards. Not even a simple, ridiculously long hand gun. Where, I ask you, are the wonderful toys? Nowhere.

Since I am not on this list, I will kill you all. But, as I was planning to do that anyway, I might as well vote for someone. Hmmm. Oh, of course. The Killer Klowns From Outer Space! Have you seen this movie? Classic. Clowns kill an entire town, except for like people. Only, it ends sad, cause all the clown die. Boo Hoo. Oh well, expect a smiling fish from me in the mail.

- Love- The Joker, a.k.a., the Clown Prince of Crime, and Moolah

If this match were "clowno-a-clowno", athletic ability would be the key factor, and I'd have to give the edge to Homey. But since this is a mass melee, the critical factor will be weapons, and an overstuffed sock ain't gonna cut it. Floppy shoes non-withstanding, Bozo is way out of his league. And sorry, Ronald, but french fries just don't make effective projectiles. This match goes to the Klown prince of Springfield, Herschel Krustofsky, who will be armed to the teeth. Hotbranch mentioned some of Krusty's potential weapons, but he barely scratched the surface.

Observe the following deadly products; each bears the Official Krusty Brand Seal of Approval(TM), only found on products that meet the high personal standards of Krusty the Klown:

(And Thinkmaster may feel free to mock me relentlessly as a "fanboy", because I included the production codes...I probably deserve it!)

Krusty Balloons: Before he switched brands, his ballons were guaranteed to take out the eyes of everyone in the room. (7G12)

Krusty Non-Toxic Kologne: "The Smell of the Bigtop"- Use in well ventilated area. May stain furniture. Prolonged use can cause chemical burns. -- Need I say more? (8F05)

Krusty Handguns: Seen among the products approved quickly by Krusty before he leaves for Wimbledon. (8F24)

Krusty-Head Knife Doll: A doll with a removable head that hides a stiletto.

Krusty Clock: It gets incredibly hot if you leave it plugged in.(8F24)

Lady Krusty Mustache Removal System: "Is my lip supposed to bleed like that?" (2F12)

Krusty-O's: Never mind the jagged metal Krusty-O, this cereal brags "Flesh-Eating Bacteria in Every Box!". (2F32)

Krusty Non-Narkotik Kough Syrup: If you will recall, this was the secret ingredient in the 'Flaming Moe' It must be like pure napalm. (8F08)

Krusty's Sulfuric Acid: Advertised on train cars that contain the industrial product. (8F23)

Krusty Electric Toothbrush: It sparks menacingly. (8F24)

Krusty's Home Pregnancy Test: "May cause birth defects". Not particularly useful in this match, unless there's something that Bozo ain't telling us. (8F23)

Deadly weapons, one and all. Merchandising, thy name is Krusty. When all is said and done, there will be floppy shoes and rainbow wigs everywhere; worse than when a tornado hit the clown convention in Lubbock, Texas (9F01).

All above information comes from the Encyclopedia Simpsonica, aka my brain. Pathetic, isn't it?

- 1/2 Nelson

The battle raged for days. As word of the fight raced like wildfire across the globe, all of Clowndom made its way to Moolah to take sides. Clarabelle was the first casualty, falling prey to the voracious Fry Guys. Sideshow Bob and his brother Cecil break out of jail with an elaborate plan involving a pound of plastique, some Duct Tape(TM), a nude photo of Paula Jones (shudder), and a piece of red twine. Each of them has a burning desire to see Krusty dead, but both are killed as they arrive by assassins hired by their ex-wives, Lilith and Maris. Leona Helmsley, with her wildly-comical painted face, shows up to reconcile with her estranged husband, Bozo. They are both struck down by God. Homey the Clown, blinded by his own overconfidence, somehow manages to take himself out with his own machine gun, but not before killing the carful of clowns from Dumbo's Circus(Tm). The Joker, with his horrid fashion sense and ungodly love of purple, kidnaps Grimace and holes up in a hotel in Gotham. Several eyewitness claim to have heard Grimace in the hotel room, "squealing like a pig". Dennis Rodman . . . well, that's another story.

With the others out of the way, the final two combatants face off. Krusty thinks he has the advantage, because, hell, anything is better than a Big Mac(Tm). But Ronald has a secret. His eyes begin to glow with an unearthly silver light. He grins, revealing his teeth are now razor-sharp fangs. Krusty looks into Ronald's eyes and has time to whisper two words before going completely insane. "The Deadlights."

"We all float down here, Krusty," the Ronald-thing hisses. "And when you're down here, you'll float, too!" Thus, Ronald reveals to the world that he is actually Pennywise. Who else but an immortal space entity who feeds off the psychic fear of children could have created the horror and failed marketing ploy that was the Arch-Deluxe (Tm).

His opponents destroyed, Ronald-Pennywise turns to the young prince. "So, you hate clowns," It snarled.

- Anthony "Goatboy" Goats. (Cujo should have won)

Sometimes you gotta vote against your favourite.

Look at the facts. The combatants are two ordinary humans (one of whom is an angry thug), a toon, and a corporate sorcerer. And don't think that, just because the sorcerer capers and cavorts, that he's no more dangerous than an ordinary clown. As has been shown in commercials, Ronald is fully capable of being deadly serious, when golfing, for instance, or chairing board meetings. And he does all this while wearing his robes of office and his ceremonial greasepaint. And people still take him seriously. Because they respect his power.

Bozo will be the first to fall, as Ronald extracts packet after packet of french fries from his victim's eye sockets and skull cavity.

Homey will pull his gun, and warn Ronald to stay back. Ronald will hold his hands up, soothingly, and then quickly trace an min the air with his fingers, creating a razor-edged golden M which will neatly sever Homey's head seconds after being flung.

Krusty, surprisingly enough, will survive the longest, since, as a toon, he is not subject to the same physical vulnerabilities as fleshlings. Still, this will only grant him an extra five minutes of existence. You cannot kill a toon, Ronald knows, but you can wipe him out with Dip, and so Krusty's last five minutes will be spent submerged in a noxious pool of Special Sauce, Irish Milkshakes, Diet Cola, etc., as Ronald adjusts the ratios necessary to synthesize Dip.

Ronald walks away clean, in six minutes.

- Danny Sichel

First off, who the hell are Bozo and Homey? Are they dead? Are their careers dead? Either way, I haven't heard of 'em and excuse my steriotypical teenage attitude, but I don't care.

Next we have Ronald McDonald. I almost voted for him, because I was very impressed by the arguments John made in his favor. Then I realized, "Hey, Ronald McDonald is a loser." His job consists of standing around grinning like an idiot in commercials. Plus, he's a complete poser. Have you ever seen him do anything remotely clownlike? Hm? He CLAIMS to be a clown, but the only hint we even have that he is one is his loser suit, ugly wig, and stupid makeup. Stupid makeup does NOT prove that you are an authentic clown. Just look at those people who wear eighteen layers of concealer.

And what's with the Hamburgler? Ronald is supposed to beat REAL clowns, and he can't even whip a weiner in a stupid hat? If Ronald were any kind of man at all, the first time he saw that loser he would've whipped off his big ole shoe and beaten the crap out of 'im. But no. He runs around his stupid house until finally he catches the bad guy...and shares his hamburgers with him.

That leaves us with Krusty. In addition to all the excellent points Hotbranch! made, I have a couple more. First, unlike the other losers, Krusty is an authentic clown with a lasting career. Everyone in his community knows who he is. Plus, Krusty has the advantage of having survived several life-and-death situations (involving the mafia and the IRS, mostly), and he's even convincingly faked his own death. Some poser clown will knock him down and turn towards the next combatant...but Krusty will leap to his feet, beat the punkers within an inch of their lives, and send them all on a free trip to Kamp Krusty.

Game over.

- Blue

Let's look at the motivation of each contenstant:

Poor Krusty might have taken this fight a couple of years ago, but after years of booze, cigars, and open heart surgury, the bug-eyed commedian will find himself thrust into early retirement and replaced by Craig Killborne before he even gets a chance to lace Ronald's quarter-pounder with Jagged Metal Crusty-O's.

Homey has the eye of the tiger (TM), but he's not used to picking on anybody more threatening than Tommy Davidson. A sock filled with sand might be effective when dealing with ice cream sucking pree-teens, but try it on someone who's made a profession out of getting hit in the face with fryingpans, and Homey won't be playing much of anything for quite a while.

Bozo? Don't make me laugh. This wuss couldn't even stand up to an annoying 5-year old who told him his TV show sucked. ("That's a Bozo no-no kid!")

Ronald McDonald is the one true champion in this situation. We all know that the evil McDonalds corp. absolutely HATES competition of any sort. The bastards even sued a scotsman for using his own name, and won! With that kind of McEvil coroperate backing, Ronald won't have to lift a pasty white finger to put down this pitiful resistance. His purple-shirted lackey's will storm the gates and throw themselves off the battlements if the big M tells them they might get then a 25cent pay increase out of the deal.
Ronald trounces the competition before you can say "Ding, fries are done."

- Troy "trenchcoat" Wood

Look, first off, let me say that I really wanted to go for Bozo on this one. Bozo, after all, does have the awe-inspiring Bozoputer at his disposal, the likes of which could have easily dispatched both the WOPR and Hal while picking lucky boys and girls to play the Grand Prize Game without breaking a sweat. (Or a reasonable facsimile thereof.) But let's face the facts here -- when Ronald McDonald was brought into the mix, all the other clowns were instantly outclassed.
Let's not even talk about backup (an argument I always found a little contrived, anyway), even though Ronald McDonald has it in spades in the criminal element (the time and space-bending Hamburglar), the civic trust (Mayor McCheese and Big Mac, now sadly missing from the McDonald's line-up save for extremely antiquated Playlands), and the outright bizarre (the Fry Guys, organisms which defy classification). Let's talk power. Ronald McDonald can do anything he wants, judging from the commercials. He creates and destroys matter as though he were playing with licensed toys made from woefully shoddy plastic. The only limit to this seems to be that he must accompany said feats with an extremely painful pun...

and, as countless Z-rated punch-n-kick bonanzas have taught us, the fighter who cracks puns along with necks is the one who wins the day. Ronald goes Beyond The Infinite and drops these cut-rate Punchinellos squarely in the sump.
As a side note, what the hell were you thinking when you added Homey D. Clown? Did Damon Wayans give you five bucks each?

- --Zartan Moloch, the International Bastard

What about IT? I think that clown would rock the house. Food, folks and fun, to quote Ronald. It would paraphase it to "Fun folks are food!"

- Mike and Ken (two green guys with time on their hands)

Ronald's bound to win here. He's got home court, since a McDonalds is two blocks away. Have you ever been anywere in your life, including other countries, where a McDonalds is NOT two blocks away? Didn't think so.

Having access not only to the psychological advantages of intimately knowing those crappy plastic swivel seats, but to the lethal abilites of the food itself, Ronald can make McCorpses of them faster than a Big Mac going through your digestive system. Homey will get a Shamrock Shake hurled straw first at him. Being from the projects, Homey will never have seen the color green before, and will be awed by the image right before the straw sinks into his cranium. Bozo gets the entire vat of coffee dumped on him. There's been legal precedent that one spilled cup of that can cause several million dollars' worth of damage to someone; a vat will kill Bozo, although give him a lawsuit every member of O.J.'s defence team would drool over. And Krusty's dead the second he walks in the restaurant, since they use microwaves for all their burgers, short circuiting his pacemaker and thus making every piece of Krusty memoribilia a valuable collector's item.

- Kilgore Trout

First I see Homy squaring off against Bozo who is a semi-wealthy white man (at least white makeup). Bozo is in good shape thanks to his trainning and runs circles around Homy. However Homy is the only violent one in the group and quickly reduces Bozo to a pile of dripping red goo with a bright red nose on top.

Meanwhile Ronald is facing off against Krusty. Now since Krusty is a toon he has all the powers that go with it. The ability to pull any object out from behind his back. The ability to survive things that would kill anyone else. The ability to be wherever he needs to be. But as we have seen in the commericals Ronald is a wizard. He throws magic around like a poltician throws promises he never intends to keep. Things start to get messy as Ronald summons his horde of elite McDonalds managers however Krusty counters by summoning up the Simpsons. Homer quickly places an order that requires several trucks to deliver keeping most of the zombies busy. Meanwhile Bart sabatoges Ronald by pulling down his pants. Ronald is disorenited and easily falls pry to Krusty throwing Jagged Krusty-O's (tm) at his face. Homy quickly realizes he is out matched (you develop good survival instincts in the hood) grabs the cash from Bozo's bloody pocket and escapes during the carnage. In the end we see Krusty smoking in a chair padded with hundred dollar bills and strange red hairs.

And there was much rejoicing.

- Spamboy (pass me those fries will you. Wow! The colors are in my eyes!!!)

As Mayor of McDonaldland, I Mayor McCheese know better than most the awesome power at Ronald, we call him "Lord", Mc Donald's disposal. This true uber-clown has held us all in thrall for over twenty years as he has warped the fabric of Earth's reality to his slightest whim. Therefore I offer a warning, as one slave to another, to those who would dare challenge our Lord's greatness in combat.

First to Krusty, I say to you that it can easily be seen that you are no more than a pathetic facsimile of our Lord. Yes you may have a formidable supporting cast and a vast array of licensed merchandise, but this pathetic pull at power is an illusion! All the time you have thought to have been in control, you are not. You are my Lord's puppet, his avatar, his John the Baptist so to speak. In his time my Lord will come to the realm of Springfield and claim his omnipotence there, oh and we all know what happens to the "John the Baptists" of this world. No student can ever excel a teacher like our Lord. You are not worthy to untie his Magical Red Shoes(tm)!

I say next to this "Homey" the clown, run, run away and never return! Our Lord knows you well. Your fighting prowess will not save you this day. Our Lord is not only a potent sorceror, but is an expert in the deadly arts. How else do you explain the disappearance of such unbelievers as the Fry-Guys, the Professor and Big Mac? Sure as 100% pure beef can mean a great many things, our Lord will smite you in his wrath! The only question to ask is, will it be from a hail of razor-sharp fries, a smothering of McShakes, or, gulp, the Arches of Death?

And finally to you Bozo the clown. You have known our Lord longer than these other upstarts and fools! What makes you think you can challenge him? My Lord instructs me to tell you that if you should even so much as raise a single cream pie against him, he will summon forth the Horde-of-Frenzied-MSG-Powered-Children(tm) worldwide to drag you into the Abyss of Failed Promotions(tm). There you will writhe in eternal agony next to other such unworties as the McPizza, the McLean burger and the dreaded Treat-of-the-Week! Ha ha ha!

Be thou warned fools, my Lord plays for keeps and he will destroy you all!

Thank you and good evening.

- From The Desk of Mayor McCheese

Now, even though I voted for Ronald, due to the convincing commentary, I hereby withdraw my vote towards him...knowing that it amounts to the proverbial snowball's chance in hell that he'll win in the first place.

But, see, we're all caught up in a catastrophe in the first place. Bozo's no great loss, as WGN's turned to absolute crap with the infusion of "The" WB...which, personally, I think stands for "Whiny Bitch" network, but that's just me. Besides, he's no great loss...anyone who didn't let me win the "Grand Prize Game" (TM) until I had to go out and spend quarters doing it in some second-rate arcade is a homo in the first place.

Homey...hardly what we'd call an American Icon (TM) at all. In Living Color lasted a few seasons, but, as with every early 90s show (with the unfortunate exception of Baywatch...hell, Breastwatch would be a better description of that show), it met with The Reaper and lost its game of Twister AND Battleship. Homey would, sadly, (or cheerfully, depending on your definition), bash himself over the head with thoughts of glory past. Two down.

Ronald: There's one piece of work. He's now got his own incarnation of himself in cartoons, via the McDonald's Association For The Wanton Destruction Of Children's Minds, which the charter member show, Blue's Clues, is wanted by a Minuteman missile just waiting to befriend Steve. (Cause they're whose clues, Blue's...*vape*) But, no matter, Ronald must retain World Icon status to sell Big Macs, and the like.

And, finally, we come to Krusty. Ultimately, this comes down to a restaurant battle. Big Mac vs. hell of a choice. So big of a choice, in fact, that this could turn out to be the modern story of "The Lady and the Tiger". Who's gonna be left alive, and who'd gonna be dinner...?

Ah, hell, they both get eaten, as the kid don't want to give away any of his allowance.

Would you like fries with that?

- Cap'n Wally

Bozo is an American icon, the epitome of innocent, harmless fun, a throwback to simpler, happier times. He won't stand a chance. He'll back away, hoping the others will maul each other first, but clowns can smell fear(didn't know that, huh?), and Bozo's stinking like the aftermath of a chili cookout. They'll pounce like hyenas on a hobbled wildebeest. Then they'll think about mauling each other.

Krusty expected this would be his usual personal appearance, complete with opportunities for flogging his number one sponsor, so he's fairly well-armed with various Pork Products™. He'll whip out a hatchet-like pork chop and a sausage-link garotte -- and this will be his doom. This being a stereotypical Middle East nation, all the attendees are Muslim, and therefore kosher. The Crown Prince's guards will dice Krusty for his insufferable insult -- and then have to dispose of their scimitars as unclean.

This leaves Ronald and Homey. Now Homey's been in a funk ever since that honky Carrey got the only big career boost from In Living Color. This has driven him into affirming his blackness in every way available to him. This augments his Rage™, but it also exposes a fatal cultural weakness: the near-symbiotic relationship between inner-city blacks and fast food, specifically Mickey-D's.

All Ronald needs to do is shower a few game pieces from the latest Monopoly© contest into the air. Homey will be briefly overcome, and start scrounging on the ground looking for Boardwalk. Ronald then takes him out with a slingshot blow to the back of the head from the hardest organic substance known to science: a stale Chicken McNugget™.

Many will play. Only one will win.

- Call me Shane

QUESTION: Have you ever eaten at McDonalds(tm)?
ANSWER: No. McDonalds(tm) does not serve food.

I'm sorry, but fried mystery grease has less nutritional value than a handful of crab grass and baking soda chased by kerosene. Have any of you ever consumed a McDonalds(tm) product that even remotely tasted like anything organic, much less what it is alleged to be? Of course not. The last time I had a McDonalds(tm) burger, it sat in my stomach like a brick for two days, refusing to be broken down by any combination of digestive juices and muscle movement my body could come up with. I don't know why it still isn't there today. My best guess is that whatever protoplasmic slime that burger was made of somehow gained sentience, got bored and made a daring escape during the night. Probably found a clown wig and became Dennis Rodman.

Ronald apparently eats ONLY McDonalds(tm) "food." Anyone who can eat that day in and day out and survive, much less thrive and become ridiculously rich in the process, just can't be beat. Ronald kills the clowns, takes over Moolah and changes his name to Khan.

But I hate Ronald so Homey wins by a crowbar.

- Paul G.


The Final Word

I just want to point out that technically, no one should win. Clowns are, originally, a French invention.

- martinl

I HAVE BEEN STOLEN! PLEASE CALL 555-mmmphhh... Celebrating One Year Online! We told you to be QUIET! You're being a VERY BAD birthday cake!

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Captain Kangaroo v. Mister Rogers
Itchy & Stimpy v. Ren & Scratchy
Grudge Match™ does Madison Avenue™

Home | History | Suggestions | FAQ | Stats | Links
Awards | Commentators | Real Life | Fun Stuff | Studio Store

Next match: A quiet Sunday drive...
ETA: Thursday, April 22nd.

© 1999, WWWF Ground Zero; © 2000, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC