World Wide Web Fights Presents
What is Grudge Match?
What is Grudge Match?

The Scenario

At a bowling alley near WWWF Headquarters:

Dick, Sally, Harry, and Tommy Solomon appear from nowhere. Shortly thereafter, Beldar, Prymaat, and Connie Conehead appear from a different nowhere.

With much fanfare, smoke, and pyrotechnics, two figures walk into the alley.

"I," pronounces the John Belushi looking one, "am the Emperor of Remulak."

"And I," continues the William Shatner looking one, "am... the... big... giant... head!"

"We have made a wager," explains the Emperor. "You will compete against each other in the tournament called bowling. The winning team shall survive."

"The losing team," laughs the Big Giant Head, "shall be fed to the Mutlantans on the planet Flungerult."

"Yikes!" scream all Earth-dwelling aliens.

"Excuse me," begs Dick Solomon. "What is the wager?"

"The ruler of the winning team," the Emperor answers, "gets, from the ruler of the losing team, a diet soda."

"Of... his... choice," finishes the Big Giant Head. "Mu-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaa!"

"Point of procedure," interrupts Beldar. "We only have three on our team. A standard team consists of four persons."

The Big Giant Head and the Emperor of Remulak confer. Then argue. Then punch. Then agree to a truce wherein the Big Giant Head has to release the Emperor's ear and the Emperor has to remove his thumb from the Big Giant Head's nose. Then they announce their decision.

"Beldar, your fourth competitor," the Emperor proclaims, "shall be Aristotle Nostradamus 'Bull' Shannon from the popular television program 'Night Court.' "

Bull suddenly appears from elsewhere.

"Hi, guys!" cheerfully greets Bull. "Call me 'Bull.' "

"Let.. the.. bowling... begin!"

So, Brendan, which Americanized aliens will alleviate themselves of becoming appetizers?

The Coneheads, Saturday Night Live


The Solomons, 3rd Rock from the Sun

The Commentary

Brendan: Mark my boy, you are totally outclassed this time out. I grew up in Temple, Texas: a town so utterly lacking in anything diverting, entertaining or enlightening that it is said that the only two things you can do in the entire town are sex and bowling. And given that I write for the Grudge Match, which of those two things do you think I spent my adolescence doing? At any rate, years of accumulated expertise on the subject tells me that there is no way the Coneheads can lose this match.

It all really comes down to the environmental conditions. With Russian nuclear subs being all but extinct these days, bowling alleys are now the most toxic locations on the planet. The air has more smoke in it than a raging Dakota wildfire. The food could drop a billy goat at a hundred paces. And lets not even get into the horrifying visual pollution presented by the appearance of the average bowler. Faced with these abhorrid conditions only one of our teams can hope to survive and it's clearly the Coneheads (and the unkillable Bull).

The Coneheads eat so fast that they won't even have time to taste the bowling alley food (which is the only possible way to survive it). And their Emperor is John Belushi. Any society which would make Belushi its Emperor obviously doesn't have a problem with and in fact probably encourages (or even requires) the constant use of mind altering substances. As such, the Coneheads have doubtlessly built up an immunity to all manner of drugs and will not be affected by the Bowlarama Tobacco Death Cloud. And as for the apocolyptic appearancs of their fellow bowlers, Connie was attracted to Chris Farley. Beldar and Prymaat think all humans are ugly so they won't even notice. And Bull, well he's from New York, which has even weirder looking things walking the streets than you'll see in a bowling alley.

By contrast, the Solomon's are trapped in fragile human bodies -- bodies that just aren't designed to withstand the conditions inside a bowling alley. They'll be dead before they even get to the rented shoes. The Coneheads are spared even having to compete as they strike another victory for Remulak over the blunt skulls.

Mark: Well, I can't claim to have the entertaining background you have. Then again, you don't become Rochester's Number 2 Citizen by hanging out in bowling alleys. But I think I can still provide some valid arguments for the Solomons.

While the Coneheads MAY have immunity going for them, how are they going to order the food? I've never met anyone who could both serve un-survivable bowling alley food AND understand the Coneheads' dialogue. Can you imagine the befuddled look on the gum-snappin' waitress' face when Beldar asks for a "porcelain disc containing fowl fore-appendages dipped in boiling vegetation oil with various aromatic vegetable products?" By the time the waitress, bartender, cook, two busboys, and eight other bowlers figure out Beldar means buffalo wings, the Solomons will have finished bowling and will be on their roof waxing poetic about the beer they had earlier.

But, if it's okay with you, perhaps we could move on to an analysis which actually pertains to bowling. Correct me if I'm wrong, but to win in bowling, don't you have to actually be able to bend? As I recall, the Coneheads aren't all too flexible. I don't know if it's a consequence of too many anal probes or what, but moving doesn't seem an activity in which they excel. The Solomons are pretty flexible -- they just haven't figured out why yet.

Plus, the Coneheads have no real motivation. Sure they've got that crazy "life and death" thing hanging over them, but they are too independent to see any other real gain. The Solomons have ulterior motives. Dick wants to impress Mary Albright. Sally wants to prove, this time through bowling, that she is a true warrior. Tommy can do about anything he puts his mind to. And Harry? Harry fits right in at a bowling alley. Just look at him. Plus, the pins probably look threatening to him, so he'll want to destroy them. He's weird that way, you know.

And to conclude this portion of my commentary, let me remind you (and all the young ones reading this) that only losers use mind-altering substances. That rebuts your opening paragraph in itself. While you can't think of any way the Coneheads could lose this match, you give an excellent way in your third paragraph. Looks to me like you argued yourself into a 7-10 split. While you try to babble your way out of that one, I'm off to Dairy Queen for a banana split. Yummy!

Brendan: Can't we get through even one match without someone bringing up anal probes? And if the use of mind altering substances was good enough for the man who will hopefully be our next president, than its certainly good enough for the Coneheads.

Forget flexibility (even though Beldar was flexible enough to become an accomplished golfer), the real key to bowling is strength. The Coneheads are capable of ripping the tops off of cars. They can just chuck the 20 pounders at the pins to knock them all down. (Normally this would get them kicked out for damaging the lanes, but since all the alley's employees will be distracted by the buffalo wing conundrum this isn't a problem).

And far more important than motivation is unity and focus. The Coneheads work well together (witness how they have continuously outwitted the INS, something that only about 2 million other people per year do) and have stayed focused on their mission despite years of being castaways (they even managed to resist the awesome powers of a crack Jehovah's Witness conversion squad). By contrast, the Solomons are always fighting amongst themselves or getting distracted by human mating practices and the mysteries of the towel rack.

What will actually happen is that Dick will try to explain the physics of bowling to the drunken rednecks in the next lane and get beaten up. Sally will either spend all her time flirting with Bull or refuse to compete at all when she sees the kind of shoes they are going to make her wear. Tommy was his school's mascot which by definition means he can have no atheletic ability at all. And Harry in a bowling alley is a Flintstones episode waiting to happen. If the automatic pin setters don't get him, the bumper lanes will.

But the final reason the Coneheads must win is simply a matter of higher law. The Coneheads were the original wacky aliens masquerading as humans; the Solomons are but cheap imitations. Everything the Grudge Match stands for demands that the original must brutally crush the imitation. To allow otherwise would be to open the floodgates of madness. After all, if cheap imitations are allowed to win Grudge Matches, what will stop Star Trek, France, and the Democrats?

Mark: The Coneheads were aliens masquerading as French immigrants. FRENCH immigrants.

And what's this about the Coneheads being the original wacky aliens? Did someone forget about the likes of My Favorite Martian and Mork & Mindy? Gotta throw Superman in there, too. An alien with super powers posing as a mild-mannered reporter? Infinite laughs! But not only are the Coneheads not the originals, they aren't wacky, either. They'd be boring if they weren't so creepy. Heck, they don't even wear funky rainbow suspenders. Even Perfect Strangers was a wackier show about an alien.

More than that, you mentioned the INS. Why is the INS after the Coneheads? Seems to me, if the Coneheads had any talent, they would never have attracted the INS' attention in the first place. You never see the Solomons running from the INS. They're clever enough not to attract attention to themselves.

If the key to bowling is strength, explain to me how Earl Anthony is in the Bowling Hall-of-Fame. (I apologize for knowing who Earl Anthony is. My wife is from St. Louis: Home of the Bowling Hall-O'-Fame.) There is skill involved in bowling. That skill requires a certain amount of flexibility--of which the Coneheads have little to none and of which the Solomons have plenty. Now that you've granted the Solomons (or, at least, Harry) bumper lanes, victory for the Solomons is all but guaranteed. Thanks!

The Solomons have the advantage. They want to learn and they want to succeed. Plus they have a cool car and they hang out on the roof. They even have a cool salute. Seems to me they were born for bowling. A creature in its habitat has the advantage. The Solomons are in their habitat.

The Solomons will win. And they'll delight us by acknowledging the unspoken intricacies of the sport of bowling and the foibles of bowling alley life. The Solomons will be victorious AND hilarious. The perfect combination. 3rd Rock will strike down those Coneheads!

Disclaimer: Yes, we know that the Jane Curtin looking one is a Conehead and on 3rd Rock. We didn't feel it necessary to mention that in the commentary because her 3rd Rock character isn't in the match and the Coneheads are losers. - Eds.

The Coneheads are NOT losers. - Eds.

Yes they are. - Eds.

No they aren't, dumbass! - Eds.

For 3rd Rock From the Sun links, visit Sitcoms Online.

The Results

The Solomons (641 - 54.6%)

strike, split, but do not spare

The Coneheads (533 - 45.4%)

Current Match | Related & Similar Matches
History Section | Tell a friend about this match

Voter Comments


Screw these guys. I'm starting my own league with Ray Walston, Alf and the talking Burt Renyolds box from Out Of This World.

- Kilgore Trout

Silver Grudgie ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

Easy match: In the movie, the Elder of the Conehead Triad was able to Narfle the Garthak. Let me repeat that - He Narfled a Garthak, and he did it using golf skills. Golf is a sport that requires no physical abilities and doesn't deserve to be called a sport, so it's kith and kin to bowling. Coneheads win and the Emperor of Remulak gets his prize.

- Albatoo - the sequel

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

I am the one who is going to tell you the winner! I will use my secret weapon, the mystical octet sphere. Now, onto business, will the Coneheads win? ([The answer is not clear.]) What? Ok, try again. Will the Coneheads win? ([Try Again Later.]) Ok, will the Coneheads win? ([I don't know.]) What?!? Give me the answer!! ([No.]) Hey! Give me the answer @#%&* you stupid ball!! ([I cannot tell.]) Hey, you little.... um, uh, the Solomans will win. Excuse me while I "fix" my ball.

- The Super-Intelligent One

John Rocker World Series Commemorative GrudgieTM

The Coneheads/Solomons dichotomy is a metaphor for the assimilationist experience in America: The immigrants who do try to fit in(Solomons) versus those who are unwilling or unable to adopt the practices of their new home, and cleave to their old culture in many ways(Coneheads). Staying solid in the Melting Pot™ will spell doom for the Coneheads.

A triangular array of curved and painted wooden pillars, perched over a precipice? To Beldar and company, that's a religious display from back home, the 'pins' representing fertility. They spend the first several frames tossing sensor rings down the alley, and making sure those three-holed devotional orbs pass harmlessly down the channels to the sides. Bull will be making strikes all the while, to the horror of his teammates, but he can't do it all by himself.

Only when the Coneheads have consumed enough mass quantities of Schlitz to put them in an iconoclastic mood will they start aiming for the pins. By that time, though, the steady play of the Solomons will have built up an insurmountable lead, and three drunk Coneheads won't even make it close.

The match ends with a incriminating round of "Meps! Meps!" from the Coneheads. Bull's rejoinder: "Nah, I'm more of a Yankees fan."

- Call me Shane

It was mentioned that if the Coneheads were clever they wouldn't have drawn attention to themselves from the INS (or something of that sort). I'm just wondering how you would managed to not draw attention to yourself with you a madonna-cone-bra-style erection popping out of your head.

Oh... I voted for the 3rd Rock aliens by the way.

- Just a 'PFHS' Drama student.

Well, Bull was a bowler on the Flintstones movie, which, while being a horrible movie in it's own right, reveals something about his character. He lost. To John Goodman. Who's best score was a 95. Now, is this really an edge? I dare say that Harry Solomon, in all his incompetence, could bowl ten times that (which, I know is impossible, but bear with me) on any given night. Including tonight. Shatner is gonna get that soda, baby.

- Mr. Potato Head

Remember the long-standing rule that Grudge Match contestants always operate under the laws of their own milieu. So, given the kind of "jokes" in "Coneheads", we can expect some moment where the Aykroyd-looking one sticks his head in the ball-polishing machine, thinking to give his cone a fashionable high shine, like that of Gordon from "Sesame Street". (Of course the head detaches from the body without harm, if there's a cheap gag.) Dropping it in leads to panic before it's finally retrieved, having been polished as round as a, well, a bowling ball.

Now who can lose with a sentient, tongue-propelled bowling ball? At least if having your woman leave you for Dick Solomon while you're busy winning a bowling game counts...

- The Nestbeschmutzer

Are you kidding? Solomons win, pins down! True, Harry would get stuck in the pin return rack. Tommy would be bored out of his brain, but be forced to bowl, as a "family bonding experience" by Dick, who himself would then later subject his students to Physics of Bowling tests. Sally, on the other hand, probably already knows how to bowl, having had gone bowling on several of her dates with Don, a bowler if ever I've seen one (and I've seen a lot, believe me!) And they live in Ohio - The Bowling State! (Drew Carey, anyone?)

Coneheads have several strikes. . . er, gutterballs against them. First, and foremost, They're posing as French. Not as bad as BEING French, but bad enough for a GM(TM). Second, they are _way_ too interested in food and beer; not that that's bad in a bowling alley, but to win, you actually have to roll a ball down the alleys. I see the Coneheads gutting the snackbar and playing arcade games while Bull finds that the Solomons are much more his speed. After all, he's used to Harry Stone and the other nice but crazies at Night Court; a place that the Solomons could fit in and no-one would notice. Family Night at the Bowling Alley? Color it Solomon!

- Gibsongirl

You've got your French immigrants on one side, and a man named French on the other. This whole match seems like a Star Trek vs Star Trek match; it's just an attempt to give the French a notch in the win column.


The Coneheads are the products of SNL! They were a sketch containing one of the wild and crazy guys! All hail the Festrunk brothers! No two Ukranian brothers can swing so succesfully in tight slacks! The Roxbury guys are nothing compared to Orgay and Yurgay! Quail before their wild and crazy power!

- Noman of the Wild and Crazy Jihad (there is no jihad)

The Coneheads "come from France." They immediately surrender. The Solomons win by default, and the Coneheads are dismembered by a butch of English soccer hooligans.

- Deacon

There is a very simple reason why the Solomons will win this match. That reason is this:
The Coneheads look like bowling pins!!

All the Solomons have to do is roll the ball, and sometime in the 10 frames they SHOULD hit at least one pin (more if they get bumper lanes). However, as soon as the Coneheads go up to bowl, the drunken rednecks in the next lane will see "a couple that got away" and immediately throw every ball in the vicinity at the pointy-headed ones. Assuming they survive the barrage of twenty-pounders (which is unlikely), I doubt the Coneheads will be able to muster the concentration needed to hit the GROUND, much less the real pins at the end of the lane. And no, no one's gonna kick the rednecks out, as they're all too busy with the "buffalo wing dillemma. The Solomons win, the Big Giant Head gets his diet soda, and the Coneheads get fed to the whatever-it-was (I'm too lazy to go look). Assuming they don't get killed in the bowling ball assault.

- Hydra

"William Shatner as The Big Giant Head . . ."

Give it to the Coneheads - I can't let Star Trek have anything to use in a future match.

- Some Guy

Every Tom, Dick, and Harry (and Sally) knows the Solomons win this one.

First and foremost, they have a defector on their side -- the Conehead Currently Known as Mary Albright(tm). The way Dick and Mary carry on like rabbits on Viagra, you KNOW she's defecting. And just think of all the Conehead secrets she'd be bringing with her...the others don't stand a chance.

And then there's the tough angry homicidal blonde Sally and her boyfriend Officer Don -- who first introduced Sally to bowling. How was he to know she doesn't know how to follow the rules and use the bowling ball as an oversized shot put? With a little worse aim, she could take out the other 2 Coneheads with one shot (and probably derive great pleasure from such a convenient accident since we all know Sally likes to kill people). And failing that, Don could just switch into his so-called singing act "Don Orvellini" and torment the poor ex-SNLers to death.

Next there's plucky little Tommy...who took all of 5 or 6 seasons before FINALLY gettin' some from Alyssa (or August or the glee club teacher or just about any other female on the planet). With that much pent-up frustration, talk about a walking time bomb...or worse yet, a teenager with a genius IQ -- oh, the humanity! And with his side connections to the heavenly hosts (remember Angels in the Outfield, anyone?), I'm thinking Tommy could easily arrange a few good zots of lightning on the unsuspecting Coneheads....or at the very least another horrifying epic starring the Dark Master of Cinematic Flops: Christopher Lloyd -- as if that weren't punishment enough.....

Last but not least there's gonna be a colossal match just between the two weirdos Harry and Bull. Harry runs a bar and will invite Bull to split a few keggers...and then when Bull's totally tanked, Harry calls in his tough butch bodybuilder girlfriend Chyna to lay a good old fashioned WWF Smackdown! on the drunken Bull. Poor Bull will have no choice but to go back to being Marsha Warfield's lap dog...pathetic.

All hail the Solomons...I'd do the salute, but how do you draw something like that with a keyboard?

- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie

Pointy-headed aliens who eat too much..... and people-looking aliens that talk to much. Either way, the mouth muscles are constantly in motion. I'm moved to write a Haiku.....

Peach blossoms on trees
The bowling alley thunders
"A strike!" cries the Dick

I feel better. ^_^

- D@t@-Kun

Hmm. The Solomons have...a stupid show, the WWF's Chyna as a guest star, and a tendency to put the word "dick" in every title of every episode.

The Coneheads have...a movie, REM and Chilli Peppers on the movie's soundtrack, and Dan Akroyd, plus they started out in SNL's golden years.

Given the choice, I'm going with the Coneheads. They actually succeeded in conquering the world in their movie. The Solomons haven't. End of story.

- rock_lobster


All of this comes down to one thing. Shatner.


If you haven't realized the gravity of the situation yet, Solomons, you need to see something.



Buy the diet sodas for them both, and save yourselves now.

SHATNER. You'd think that WWWF would learn their lesson and not book these futile matches.

SHATNER. The downfall of any team.

- Boden-san, protecting the world from

The Coneheads are from Paramus, New Jersey. Paramus has so many malls -- five, with five more being built -- that there’s twenty and thirty minutes delays to turn intot he parking lots. Routes 4, 17, and 80 turn into Elvis’s large intestine - no possibility of a movement. And these malls! -- Gold coins in the fountain, eleven bucks for a movie ticket, not a single eatery that doesn’t require three forks. I have spat on Paramus every time I passed it on the Garden State Parkway for four years, until I realized my spit was too valuable to waste. It sucks your time and your wallet like Peg Bundy.

Between the exorbitant fees that any Paramus bowling alley would pay its slumming customers and the hours-long wait due to the Garden State Plaza overpass merge, the Coneheads will have become the fastest bowlers since the one on Oddjob’s head. They’ll be done before Harry hilariously figures out the ball washer’s just for the lane balls.

- Wubbie (fish paralyzer-free, contrary to reports)

Because Beldar and Dick are both men of math and science, I have put this match analysis in algebraic deduction and expression.


The Cheesy Poof Theorem: I love Cheesy Poofs (a), you love Cheesy Poofs (b), if we didn’t have Cheesy Poofs (c), we’d be lame (d). (a + b) - c = d.

The Cartman Cheesy Poof Theorem: Being lame without Cheesy Poofs (d) is talkin’ Night Court (e) in its Fifth Season Lame (f). d = (ef).

Theorem A1: According to their fight picture, the Coneheads are in their 1993 movie version, filmed during the year of 1992.

Theorem A2: Aristotle Nostradamus “Bull” Shannon (g) is of Night Court (e). g = e.

Theorem A3: Night Court (e) was in its fifth season in 1992. Ergo: “Bull” (g) is Fifth Season Lame (e). g = f.

Thus: “Bull” (g) and his presence are irrelevant. (Theorem I)


Theorem B1: Larisa Oleynik (a) was a regular on 3rd Rock from the Sun (b).

Theorem B2: Larisa Oleynik (c) appeared in The Secret World of Alex Mack (d) and 10 Things I Hate About You (e). c = d + e.

Theorem B3: The Secret World of Alex Mack (d) is evil (f). d = f.

Theorem B4: Shakespearean Plays Modernized for a Teen Audience (g) are evil (f). g = f.

Theorem B5: 10 Things I Hate About You (c) is a Shakespearean Play Modernized for a Teen Audience (g). c = g. Ergo: 10 Things I Hate About You (e) is evil (d). e = d.

Thus: Larisa Oleynik (a) is evil (d). a = d. (Theorem II)


Theorem C1: Ron West (a) played Larisa Oleynik’s (b) father on 3rd Rock from the Sun (c). a = c.

Theorem C2: Ron West (a) was a regular on Whose Line is it Anyway? (d) a = d.

Theorem C3: Whose Line is it Anyway? (d) is good (e). d = e. Ergo: Ron West (a) is good (e). a = e.

The Dark Helmet Postulate: Evil (f) will always win, because good (e) is dumb. e > f.

Theorem C5: Dark Helmet is a big loser. Ergo: The Dark Helmet Postulate is false.

Thus: Good (e) overcomes evil (f). e < f.

Theorem II: Larisa Oleynik (b) is evil (f). b = f. Ergo: Ron West (a) will negate Larisa Oleynik (b). a + b = a.

Thus: 3rd Rock from the Sun (c) is powerful enough to overcome evil (f). c > f. (Theorem III)


Theorem D1: Jason Alexander (a) first appeared in a movie called The Burning (b). a < b.

Theorem D2: The Burning (b) had a Summer Camp Janitor Gone Crazy (c). b = c.

Theorem D3: Jason Alexander (a) was most likely killed by the Summer Camp Janitor Gone Crazy (c). a < c.

Theorem D4: The Burning (b) was filmed at Crystal Lake (d), the same as Friday the 13th (e). b = d = e.

Theorem D5: Crystal Lake (e) is home to Jason Voorhees (f) of Friday the 13th (e). e = f.

The Immortality Quotient: The inability to stay dead for long.

Theorem D6: Sequels (g) mean the Immortality Quotient (h). g = h.

Theorem D7: The Burning (b) has no sequels (g). b + g = (h0).

Theorem D8: Friday the 13th (e) has nine sequels (g). e + g = (h9).

Theorem D9: Friday the 13th (e) has more of the Immortality Quotient (h) than The Burning (b). b + h0 < e + h9. Ergo: Jason Voorhees (f) could murder the Summer Camp Janitor Gone Crazy (c). f > c.

Thus: Jason Voorhees (f) could destroy Jason Alexander (a). f > a.

Theorem D10: Jason Voorhees (f) wants to eliminate anything that has to do with his victims, no matter what it takes.

Theorem D11: Jason Alexander (a) is the Coneheads’ (j) next-door neighbor. a = j.

Ergo: Jason Voorhees (f) wants to eliminate the Coneheads (j).

Thus: Jason Voorhees (f) will kill the Coneheads (j). f > j. (Theorem IV)


Theorem E1: Jason Voorhees (a) will try to kill anyone within a two- mile radius (b). b < a.

Theorem E2: Jason Voorhees (a) was last seen at WWWF Grudge Match (c). a = c.

Theorem E3: The Solomons (d) and the Coneheads (e) are at the bowling alley (f). d + e = f.

Theorem E4: WWWF: Grudge Match (c) is within a two-mile radius (b) of the bowling alley (f). c + b = f. Ergo: Jason Voorhees (a) wants to kill the Coneheads (e) and the Solomons (d).

Theorem IV: Jason Voorhees (a) will kill the Coneheads (e). a > e.

Theorem E6: Jason Voorhees (a) is evil (h). a = h.

Theorem III: 3rd Rock from the Sun (g) is powerful enough to overcome evil (h). g > h.

Theorem E7: The Solomons (d) are of 3rd Rock from the Sun (g). d = g. Ergo: 3rd Rock from the Sun (g) is powerful enough to overcome Jason Voorhees (a). g > a.

Thus: The Solomons (d) are powerful enough to overcome Jason Voorhees (a). d > a. (Theorem V)


“Bull” will not matter (as per Theorem I) and therefore is out of the competition. Before the bowling game begins, Jason Voorhees, newly resurrected from two years stuck in Grudge Match limbo, will slice up the Coneheads, (as per Theorem IV) who are ready as Mutlantan appetizers. The Solomons will easily send the goalie-faced killer back to the grave (as per Theorem V). They will finish the bowling match with an impressive score of 279 - 0. So the Solomons win.

- Charge Man

To be critical people, the solomons would win. Look at it in this context. What nationality do the coneheads claim to be? French! French! The French can't do anything! Of course they do have Bull. Bull who can spit out a million laughs still can't do a good job as a baliff let alone win a bowling match.

Now the Solomons. Has anyone seen the amazing things they have done, look at when they got into the beanie babies craze, holy parchessi, they nearly took out everyone. They can only do pointless things good and bowling is probably one of the most pointless activities on earth.

Now don't forget one more fact, the coneheads look just like bowling pins, they'll probably get knocked out by other bowlers before they could even throw thier fir

- Pophy

Although I really like the Coneheads, one must eventually face 3 inevitabilites.

1) SNL Characters never work on the big screen. They hardly work on the small screen. As amusing as the coneheads were, if you saw the movie you would realize that it is the same shit they pulled on SNL for so many years. The Only reason the movie was tolerable was the cameo appearences and the supporting Cast who carried the film.

2) Dan Ackroyd is useless in a fight. Have you ever seen him in a actual melee?. Did he slug Ms. Daisy and whoop her old ass?. In Ghostbusters he was the token chicken, the matyr if you will. Any actor who is reduced to working on Psi Files and has the intelligence defiency to make a 2nd Blues Brothers Movie does not deserve to be alive.

3) Do you think NBC would let one of their biggest draws(3rd Rock) Go up against the Coneheads?. Both are a product of NBC, so it is logical to assume that due to copyrights, both groups could not fight each other. NBC would most likely go after other Alien Losers( See Mork, Earth Final Conflict).

But Hey who cares, as long as they don't Recal Probe me, I don't give a rats ass.

- Canadian Highlander

The Coneheads, as a threesome, might be defeated. However, Bull appeared on Night Court with one Harry Anderson -- who, as a professional magician and con artist, probably spent a lot of time conning bowling alley patrons. It's equally likely that Bull accompanied Harry on these trips and picked up some pointers on the way. Furthermore, NEWMAN! appeared on Seinfeld, which took Night Court's Thursday night time slot. There will be a definite RAGE factor for Bull to whip the team with NEWMAN!'s girlfriend. Thus, given Bull's strategic advantage and the Solomans' complete inability to be together for five minutes without fighting, it's an easy victory for the Coneheads.

For what it's worth, Belushi is the definite winner. As anyone who recalls SNL's early years can tell you, Belushi IS James T. Kirk. Thus, he's both the emperor and the giant head.

- Kevin Cherry, Washington, DC

Forget about the INS. The Solomons were able to outwit the IRS, which ultimately proves their superiority. How many millions of people are able to outwit the INS, each and every day? Living in California, I can tell you the number is extremely high. How many people are able to outwit the IRS? Next to zero. Even Al Capone, who got away with all sorts of bad things (ie. murder and such), was put in prison because of tax evasion. The Solomon's continually do the unthinkable, and they get away with it. (Like letting Roseanne and Will Shatner guest star. You'd have thought that would have killed their ratings for sure.) The Big Giant Head gets his diet soda, and the Solomons will get their bowling trophy, which will eventually be stolen by Homer Simpson, to replace the one Mr. Burns stole from him. And by the way, Bull wouldn't compete in this match. If you remember from the final "Night Court" episode, he has his own alien family now. There's no way he would agree to help out another.

- Goatboy

Somebody is going to say this eventuly. So I might as well say it first

"Threre's a BULL on the lose"

- greenlante3rn

Ladies and Gentlemen, Blue Lightning Entertainment proudly presents to you our first Grudge Match Response!

I'm sorry, but there's no way the Coneheads can win. It's a simple matter of Name Karma™...think long and hard: What originazation is sometimes known as Coneheads? The Klan. The Klan is bad karma to the Nth degree.

To make things even worse, their opponents have such good Name Karma™. The Solomons? Obvious link to King Solomon, the greatest Jewish ruler of all time + a very wise dude.

If not that, then it really comes down to Bull v. Harry...both have never bowled before, and both will have Dumb Luck™...emphasis on dumb. Most likely scenario: Bull leans over to see how the balls return from the end of the lane, and Harry mistakes Bull's shiny skull for a bowling ball, accidentally dismembering the only human in

- The incomporable Blue Lightning

I don't know if you guys saw the movie, but Coneheads don't -have- anuses (anii? whatever).

- Nobody

"they even managed to resist the awesome powers of a crack Jehovah's Witness conversion squad."

That's true, Brendan. The Coneheads did manage to survive the Hehovah's Witnesses. But you forgot one tiny detail. The Solomons have scared off the Jehova Witnesses. Let me say that again. The Solomons SCARED OFF the JEHOVAH WITNESSES!!!

The Witnesses were in the house, and wanted to leave. They practically RAN OUT THE DOOR! Normal people just can't do that. The Coneheads aren't even in the same league as the Solomons.

- The Animator

1) This is bowling, A game based squarely on PHYSICS! The Solomons have on their Team A person who masquerades as a physics Professor at a university. This implies that they have a marginal understanding of physics. The coneheads have demonstrated a golf ability. Even there (0 all)

2) Who is more in touch, It takes the coneheads 16+ years to rig a simple communicator, The solomons being prepared have harry. Solomons by being prepared (1-0 solomons)

3) Who got shot down by the US military, Any alien invaders who are taken out by the standard military without heroic intervention are obviously a weak species, The Solomons have slipped in undetected (2-0 stealth solomons)

4) as for the unbreathable bowling alley athmosphere, The solomons in their 'natural' forms are giant purple invertabrates. those can survive anywhere. (3-0 solomons)

5) Environment familarity. The Solomons know how to cheat creatively. The Cone heads are too honest, in any game with a score this can be decisive. (4-0 solomons)

- D.merzel

On the one hand, the Coneheads maintain that they are French, so they apparently should automatically lose.

On the other hand, they AREN'T actually French, so they can't actually lose. Therefore, they win.

I'm pretty sure Socrates used this same syllogism to get out of a traffic ticket once.

- Lou the Inscrutible

Another tough match. Both teams are about evenly matched, each with their own advantages and weaknesses. Therefore, I predict that this match will be based on outside influence, namely the Men In Black. The MIB have the exact location of all aliens on the planet at all times. Upon seeing the Solomons AND the Coneheads converge upon one place, along with the Big Giant Head and the Emperor of Remulak, they will get suspicous. Within minutes, Agents Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones will be on the scene. Now, which side looks more suspicous- a group of normal looking yet zany humans, or a group of coneheads? Add in the fact that they have a infamous record (abducting David Spade AND attempting to cross-breed with Chris Farely) and it seems pretty obvious who's gonna be at the wrong end of the Subatomic Destabilizer (TM). The Coneheads are instantly converted into a smear of green protoplasm on the floor, but, this being a bowling alley, will go unnoticed for weeks.

I love a happy ending.

- The Blue ONe

John Belushi or French Stewart? Hmmmm. Touch choice, if I recall, "Soul to Squeeze" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers was featured on the Coneheads soundtrack, and my philosophy is, good enough for Flea, good enough for me.

- My name is Kenny

While the Coneheads are ordering their glass cylinders of fermented alcholic beverages and cardboard packages of toasted corn triangles covered with hardened lactic acid substitute (nachos and beer), Tommy does a quick background check on the Coneheads to find their weaknesses. He quickly discovers their problems with the INS, and tries to get Officer Don to arrest them. However, Don is easily intimidated by Bull, who points out several different things wrong with his procedure (all of which he made up) and threatens to claim police brutality. The game proceeds.

The Coneheads, rather than bowling the traditional way, decide that it would be easier to hurl them overhand at the pins. However, they discover that not only is this damaging to the alley, it is also horribly inaccurate. They quickly decide to start playing the normal way, but due to their terrible form and utter lack of flexibility, the result is the same as before: The ball is let go too early and flies off to dent the alley without touching the pins. They are only kept it in the game by Bull's nearly perfect game and the fact that the vibration from the balls thudding into the walls would occasionally knock over a pin or two.

Meanwhile, the Solomons also make a startling discovery: They really suck at bowling, with the exception of Harry, who performs beautifully, if not gracefully. When Dick asks him to teach the technique to the rest of the family, Harry explains that he doesn't know how he's doing this. "I start out thinking about how I need to win this match or we're gonna die, and then I think about how if we die, I'm never gonna eat another nice omelet for breakfast, and then I think about how much I like eating omelets at the IHOP, and then I think about that rude guy who sat next to us the last time we went there, and then I look and I've already bowled," he explains. Dick continues to try and bowl, steadily improving. Sally, however, does not improve, and responds by turning over a couple of the alley's tables. Tommy takes the opportunity to participate in some underage drinking and takes all of Dick's beer.

Tommy has a pitifully low alcohol tolerance, as it turns out, and starts bowling horribly. He also has the bad judgment to start hitting on Connie, with all the style and class that makes drunk guys so popular. Connie gives him a slap hard enough to knock him unconscious for several seconds. Dick, on the other hand, notices Prymaat for the first time, and sees her resemblance to Mary. Using the quick thinking that made him commander, he pretends that she is Mary, and no being on any galaxy is more driven than a guy determined not to look bad in front of his woman.

The Solomons demolish the Coneheads. Sally, Dick, Tom and Harry discuss and philosophize on the match later on the roof, while the Coneheads are fed to the Mutlantans (which for some reason bear a strong to resemblance to Chihuahuas.)

- Infraggable Krunk

Okay, here's how I see it. The coneheads are strong, they are smart, but they have S&L style special effects, which does not bode well for them. Now, while they would enjoy chucking objects resembling the craniums of bluntskulls, They would shriek away from the pins resembling themselves. They will not throw anything but gutterballs. Now, if the pins were round orbs, they might even hurl themselves down the lanes and with their aerodynamic heads, they would definitely win.

Now, the Solomons have a lot going for them. The woman's hot, and Dr. Solomon is all about physics. Games like this are physics examples in real life and death situations (See The Big Lebowski if you don't believe me that a bowling ball can save your life). Bowling and billiards both utilize physics. Also, Dr. Solomon is a desperate man. He'll order his students to fling themselves at the pins or he'll fail them. Given Harry's randomness, he'll probably end up being a bowling whiz. And the kid will hit on a 56 year old waitress who he thinks is cute because he can't see her clearly through the smoke. All in all, a fun night, but it'll end with the Solomon house on top of the roof drinking beer and laughing at the thought of the Coneheads crying "Meps!"

- Pareeha, Zen Master of Projectile Orbs

The Big Giant Head sits down and Emperor has "GUM" in his mouth. The Emporer slaps his head as Harry ALMOST rolls the first ball.

Everyone stops.
Emp:We alomst forgot.
The Big Giant Head(With a couple Screwdrivers):Huh?
Emp:Whomever rolls 2 straight gutterballs must....(Dramtic Pause) NARFUL THE GHARTOK!
(The Conehead's gasp)
Bull:Whats a Ghartok?

Harry hits the 7 pin.
Harry:I HIT ONE!!!
Harry rolls and hits the 10 pin.
Harry:Is that a 7-10 split!?
Beldar rolls a strike.
Emp:Make my soda a diet rite!

7 frames later:

Harry:14(All 7-10)

Beldar:X X X X X X X
Connie:X X X X X X X
Prylack:X X X X X X X
Bull:X X X X X X

Bull rolls a Gutter Ball.
Bull:*GASP*I can't believe that!
Bull rolls another
Emp:You must Narful the Ghartok!!

(A Ghartok appears and rips Bull to shread.It gets loose and takes out Harry)

Beldar:Even playing field.
The game stops there as Connie,Beldar,& Pryulack(?) are jumped by Tommy,Dick and Sally.

BGH(Spilling his 30th Screwdriver):STOP!!
Emp:Let them fight...this is amusing(Blows buble with Condem GUM)
Sally beats Prymaack(?) sensless with a bowling ball.
Tommy makes out with Connie in the closet.Ronnie discovers them..
Tommy:Theres more than TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU!*Punch*
(Ronnie Falls holding nose) think your the BLACKSHEEP of everyone here huh?
(he spears Tommy)
Tommy:*Punch*Take that you loser!*punch,punch,punchWALLOP(!)*
Ronnie falls unconious.Connie and Tommy continue making out.Connie pulls out the censor rings.....
Dick and Beldar choke each other.
Beldar:Are you...turning BLUE BROTHER?
Dick:I'm not your brother!?
Beldar:Excuse my misconseption,I watched Star Wars last night.

Spock appears and zaps them all except Connie & Tommy.
Spock:I'm here sir...just as ordered...
BGH/Captain Kirk:Good job Spock...zap them and lets go to another Galaxy!
Emp:WHat is this?
BGH/Capt.Kirk:You fell for the trick...we have became bounty hunters since saving the world so many times...we work for....

A flash of light occurs.
J:You were bowling when you accidently slipped bumping your head(Punches his skull)you remember that you are a movie star.Go to hollywood and demand a movie and travel LIGHT YEARS away.
J:(Turns to Emp):Your under arrest for having an alein unsactioned fight without permit.
K:Move it Cone boyeeee!Big Willy In Black!
J:(Turns to spock0:Your arrested for being an accomplise to a corny TV Show that has tooo many groupies now come along before I miss my favorite part of the game show on.
(J punches K)
Spock:What is your favorite spot?

- Disturbed

Whenever someone questioned the Coneheads' Earthly nature, Beldar's stock response was always:

"We are from France!"

A quick look at the Grudge Match glossary will tell you that he might as well have said:

"We are horrible, pants-wetting pieces of excrement who will never win a Grudge Match, ever!"

The Solomons win, simply for being less French.

- Vermin Boy

The Solomons enter the bowling alley and that stupid little kid makes a "cute" joke, pauses, and a laugh track plays. The Coneheads enter and walk stiffly to the bowling shoe rack, place the shoes on their feet, order 50 plates of nachos and 60 glasses of beer and go to their um, what the hell do you call it, I never go bowling, um, bowling... table... alley, whatever. The Solomons go up to the bowling shoe rack, and John Lithgow makes "cute" joke, waits, and a laugh track plays. They order a piece of pizza, 2 plates o nachos and Pepsi because their network is sponsored by Pepsi and you're not allowed to drink beer on that station. The woman, um whats her face looks at the nachos, makes a "cute but sexually suggestive joke because she's a woman and all women on sitcoms are nothing but vaginas with legs", waits, and a laugh track plays. They pick out their balls from the ball rack and go to a alley/table/whatever by the Coneheads.

Beldar pulls out a bag, unzips it to reveal 3 customized balls that look real "spacey". The Coneheads have already eaten all of the mass quanities of food. The Solomons pick who is going to go first, someone makes a "cute" joke, waits, and they keep on waiting, the laugh track has broken! They can not move! They are stuck there standing, my god! Beldar (is that how you spell his name?) decides to go first, he's up at the alley, he goes foward, the ball is going down the aisle, it knocks down one pin. Wait! The Coneheads are screaming in horror! They just realized they performed a sacred death ritual or something and they go running out of the bowling alley, hold up! Beldar has ran smack into John Goodman. Uh oh, Jeff Bridges and Steve Buscemi are grabbing Beldar and asking whats going on. Beldar shows them his horribley huge rack of teeth, oh my god! John Goodman has shot Beldar in the forehead, gore is all over the place, I have never seen anything like this in the history of bow.. WHOA! Steve Buscemi has just crushed his skull with a bowling ball.

John Goodman: "Goddamn gremlins! I knew it! They were there in Vietnam! Wicked VC experiments! They've come back from the jungles! Time for all to die!!!!"

OH no! John Goodman has just pulled a double barrel shotgun from his bowling ball bag, he's going after the other two Coneheads.

John Goodman: "I'll show you the life of the miiiind! I'll show you the life of the mind! Look upon me!"

he's firing! Both Coneheads are bullet ridden piles of gore! Oh the humanity! Anyways, it seems the Solomons are still standing there waiting for the laugh track to play. The Coneheads win by 1 pin.

- Charles White Jr.

First glance - Coneheads. But then I saw the commentators and it was all over. How can the founding Mark of the Mark Jihad ever vote against another Mark? It's not possible! The resulting paradoxes (yes - multiple) would tear the very fabric of all we know and hold dear apart like those stupid wet toilet paper commercials that show how strong theirs is and how wimpy the other's is.

- One of Many Marks - too tired to have a quippy Mark Jihad quote here

Unfortunately for Brendan, many of the physical arguments he makes are based on the COneheads movie. If Belushi is the emporer, these are obviously the TV Coneheads. They never showed any superhuman abilities at all. Further, the TV Connie was a rebellious teen-ager who would probably throw the match on purpose just to piss off her parents. The Solomons are nobody's definition of a prize, but they should be able to handle the Coneheads in bowling. Plus, Harry can always get his friend Chyna to come in and beat up the Conehead team.

- Eihort

Well, if this were fighting, the 3rd Rock folks would win going away...but bowling? This was tough to decide. I was forced to do the TV-Land link thing. Coneheads=Dan Akroyd=SNL=Mike Myers=Austin Powers=midgets=Oddjob=James Bond=Sean Connery=Scotland=good food=Italian restaurants=Rocky Balboa=Rocky III=Mr. T. So the Coneheads win.

- Ha ha funny

Brendan, I hate to say this, but....
I totally agree. Coneheads get this.

Much like my least favorite commentator, I too come from an area with bowling as about the only thing to do. The smog from the rednecks smoking is enough to kill all but the hardiest, and the music is horrid. The food is a gigantic ball of grease, and don't get me started on Galaxy Bowling...

But the main thing there is beer. Lots of beer. In bowling pin shaped bottles. Now then, we have the Solomons, who on occaision drink beer, and the Coneheads, WHO HAND IT OUT AT HALLOWEEN! These three drink "canned consumables" like crazy! Have you ever seen them with a six pack? It's Gone in Sixty Seconds(tm) and they remain unaffected. Seeing as this is a bowling alley, both teams will be getting sloshed. It is widely known that bowlers who drink beer while bowling bowl better. Thus, the Coneheads, whose beer drinking to time ratio is much better to that of the Solomons, will easily clean house. But don't fret, 3rd Rock fans. The mini-series on which this happens has several funny scenes where The Big Giant Head talks about airline tickets and hotel rooms while telling us to BUST A MOOOOVE!

- Devin "Reluctantly Agreeing w/ Fellow Republican Brendan" The Mental Hospital Escapee

(If I had a nickel for every time a mental hospital escapee agreed with a Republican... -Mark)

I have never heard of either one of the contestants, so I voted for the Coneheads because Mark mentioned Dairy Queen(tm)

Or was Mark for the Solomans?

- Antidisestablishmentairianism

This match is living proof that Brendan is indeed a hypocrite. He claims that the originals will always triumph. Yet, Brendan was rooting for Daffy Duck over Donald Duck, despite the fact that Donald predates Daffy bt three years, thus making him the "original" of the two.

Besides, his logic is flawed. There are dozens of times the rip-offs have beaten the originals here at Grudge Match (tm). Bart (1987) defeated Calvin (1985). Tick (199?) beat Spider-Man (1962). Indiana Jones (1981) bested James Bond (1962). Of course, I suppose you could argue that Star Trek is 10 whole years older that Star Wars. But if the original cowboy, kung-fu fighter, and Batman couldn't defeat their own predecessors, then what chance do some wacky TV aliens have? The Solomons all the way.

- Michael Brzeski, the Toon Leader

The first thing to consider is which group of aliens could most easily pose as human. It is clear that the Solomons are the winners in this category. We must now consider history in which one alien which can pose as human easily is pitted against another which cannot. I consider the case of Spock vs. Data. (OK, Data is not an alien. So what?) Spock may easily disguise himself as human, simply by wearing a headband and toning down his vocabulary. Data, on the other hand cannot do so without a visit to Dr. Crusher to alter the color of his skin and eyes, as well as a reprogramming session with Geordi to tone down the vocabulary. Spock defeated Data, and so the Solomons shall defeat the Coneheads.

- James

The Coneheads fought off Jehovah's Witnesses? Big deal! The Solomons fought them off as well. Anyone remember the episode where the Solomons came down with the flu,and thought they were dying,so they OD'd on cold/flu medicine? And does anyone remember the ensuing verbal gymnastics of Dick&Sally Solomon vs. the Jehovah's Witnesses?

"So,Jehovah,what is it that you witness?"

Yeah,I thought so... Oh,and wait,their OD on an OTC medicine makes them immune to the toxic fumes of the bowling alley! Bonus! Besides,that chick who plays Sally (I think her name is Kiersten Johnston,or something like that..) could kick the Coneheads' collective arses while still looking as foxy as ever! :-P

Seriously,though-kids,doing drugs is bad for you!

- CaptSheridan

Out of all the nations on the Earth that the Coneheads could have chosen as their fictional homeland, they chose France. This is utterly inexcusable.

- 1/2 Nelson

Gotta go with the Coneheads; not only do they have the awesome power of Bull on their side (and if he makes a few phone calls, it'd be easy to have the 3rd Rock crew hauled off to Night Court (not like they're the STRANGEST defendents that've ever shown up there)) but the kinship between them and the bowling pins is obvious to all, which should give them tremendous understanding of the game. And besides, their masquerade as French shows not only their brilliance at selecting the ultimate harmless-looking cover, but their willingness to throw even their last shreds of dignity to the wind in order to win if needed. Faced with that level of skill and determination, the 3rd Rock crew is monster food (unless Shatner gives them a few pointers in fist fighting the hideous alien critters; he is rather good at that...). Win and diet soda to the Coneheads!

- "Mad Dog" Mike

You know, the problem with this match from the get-go (as opposed to, say, later) is that I've never bought into the idea of either the cast of "3rd Rock" or the Coneheads portraying actual aliens. I mean, where are their death rays? The lizard-like beasts hatching from their chests? The essence of "We stand apart from Humanity; ergo, we are your reflection"? Nosirree, no angst here, just laughter.

In all fairness, the Coneheads actually do exhibit some extra-human abilities whereas the Third Rockers are just plain fools. On the other hand, when asked where they originate, the Coneheads inevitably answer "France." France, of all godforsaken places. If this doesn't sound their death knell in a WWWF match, then I don't know what does. My appreciation for the American hatred of everything French originated when I visited Paris--and then having the stupidity (and temerity) subsequently to visit twice more.

My appreciation for anti-French only deepened since I moved to Quebec. It's not bad enough they're simply French fry-gulping, pro wrestling-watching, no money-earning, bad fashion-wearing yokels stuck in North America like the rest of us, they have to rub our noses in it and gallop about like the Gaellic pussies they are and make utter fools of themselves. "Look at dis, eh? We're not Canadian! We're Quebecois, mes amies." I say phooey. Phooey to you and the prison/debtor ship you rode in on.

(Note: I know the WWWF is now hosted by a Quebec company. So, in the spirit of friendship, cooperation and the hope they keep buying our stuff: "Hi! How y'all doin' today?")

Oh, where was I?

Yeah, the Coneheads and 3rd Rock. Okay, so there's the French connection (no offense to Gene Hackman), but then again, when it comes to 3rd Rock, there's ole Bill Shatner at the helm of their (star)ship. Here's another conundrum. When you factor in the Star Trek angle, you instantly have another WWWF loser on your hands. So where does that leave us? (Finger wags over the big red button.) Thass right. All killed, maimed and destroyed.

- psychotropic

I voted the Solomons only because my mom watches 3rd Rock, and she knows bowling.

- D-kun, Grudge fan and writer supreme

I thought for sure there would be a "Both Teams Dismantled By Mork" option.

- Captial J

The most painful thing that the Coneheads have ever done is forced me to watch hundreds of people sticking damn ice cream cones on their heads as a stupid joke on shows like "World's Funniest People (Starring Joey from Full House, and a miscellaneous woman who'll be gone soon).

The most painful thing that Third Rock from the Sun had ever done is given French Stewart a Career.

The most painful thing Night Court has ever done, is last 8 seasons while "The Facts of Life" lasted 9. This proved to me that Satan clearly is in charge of most television networks (Disney case in point).

The most painful thing the Grudge Match has done to me, is rebuffed my all too logical assertion that Clinton Vs. Starr would be a more applicable related Grudge Match for Yelstin Vs. Kennedy, than Helmsley Vs Marcos. In hope to avert this situation (and possibly to get into the glossary) I have just formed the OOPWWTCCRFWOHARCA (Organization of people who want to chance certain related fights whose organzation has a really crappy acronym).

As such my vote goes to the Coneheads, what the hell, they have the Belushi power behind them.


The key here is situational awareness. I'd wager that the Solomans would take a page from the Tonya Harding playbook, and wait for the Coneheads in the ally next the alley with a sign that says "French Immigrant Special Entrance (Special Prize Inside!)" The coneheads, being the trusting dupes they are make their way to the "entrance" only to be jumped by the Solomans, wearing black jumpsuits and ski masks, and brandishing various heavy objects... like a lead pipe, Sally with a police baton, etc... Admit it. The cone shaped head screams "please hit me here with the blunt object of your choice and take my wallet". Those intergalactic stooges wouldn't have a prayer. The only wildcard is Harry Soloman. His wacky unpredictability could result in one of two things: either overkill or retarded fumbling. If Dick told him to bring "a heavy object to hit the Coneheads with" he could either interpert that as a bus (safe, building, etc...) or a foam bat.

- Grandmaster B

Dick holds all the cards in this match. For starters, I seem to recall him to be a professor of physics. As a physics expert from an advanced (well, technologically advanced, anyway) civilization, he should be able to rig up some "ST: Voyager"-style contraption to suspend some laws of space-time to aid his team in this contest.

Secondly, listeners of Dr. Demento know that the actor who plays Dick recorded a re-make of the song, "I'm a Gnu." Given his intelligence, he must have considerable pull with his fellow savannah-dwellers. If the beasts' stampedes along the neighboring bowling alleys were timed properly, the vibrations across the wooden floors should knock down all the Solomons' pins.

Depending on how dirty the 3rd-Rock crowd was willing to play, Dick could also direct his African brethren headlong into his competitors. Does everyone remember Mufasa's death from "The Lion King"? Conehead guile and tools might stop sentients or individuals, but not huge masses of stupidity. Trying to face a wildebeest stampede is the Serengeti equivalent of standing inside the front doors of a hickville Wal-Mart the morning of the first shipment of "Cabbage Patch Kids." With the combination of high-tech and Sheer Brute Force(tm), the alien anthropologists win all the Diet Tab they can stomach.

- Matt Bricker

The Solomans live in Ohio. Have you ever been to Ohio? It's like one big giant flat bowling alley, only with corn instead of pins. Bowling is the only thing to do here; my town alone has two alleys in it. If you think Tom, Dick, and Harry spend ALL their time up in the attic, and haven't acquired the bowling skills necessary to survive in the Great Flat State, then you've been misusing Ball-O- Shine too much.

- MonkeyDog

John Belushi and William Shatner betting over a soda. Considering the appetites involved, it's clear that the Coneheads will win. If you want to see the Big Giant Head in competitive action, have them bet over a copy of Ferengi Playboy's Bald, Bald, and Bald Playmates.

- Mike Leung

I say give this one to the Coneheads, paragons of the glory days when Saturday Night Live was still funny and we could get away with making fun of homosexuals!

- Andy the Anarchist

I don't know if I should be sharing this with you, but I feel that over the years we've built a pretty strong sense of, if not friendship, mutual existence. So, I feel comfortable enough sharing this with you: I am a bowler. There, I said it. I used to be in a league. I was on my high school bowling team. I was the CAPTAIN of the team for two years. I have my own shoes. I have three different balls. I'm so embarrassed. But I felt like I needed to let you know that, because it gives me a knowledge base from which to draw for my response to this match. By the way, that was a dead-on description of a typical bowling alley (maybe I'm not the only pathetic dork out there after all...).

Any-who, the Coneheads are definitely going to win, and here's why. Dick is a Physics professor, so he could flawlessly explain the physics involved, could describe the perfect speed and torque to apply to the ball, yadda yadda yadda. But come on, we all have known his type: he can talk a great game when it comes to sports, but he trips all over himself whenever he has to try anything athletic. So he is not going to be a great help. Harry is too goofy to be talented at, well, anything. Tommy probably won't even be able to lift a six-pound ball. Sally should be athletic enough to compete, but she won't be able to do it alone. The Coneheads are good at everything they do. But their secret weapon is, of course, Bull. He just looks like a bowler; he'll definitely be able to carry the Coneheads to victory. So even though Beldar is off confusing everyone by talking to them and all the employees are gawking at Connie, the 'Heads take it. Viva la France!

- Adam B.


Regardless of who survives, Tuesday night filler on NBC and crappy movies will never be the same.

- tracer

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Addams Family v. Munsters
Men in Black v. Mork
Alf v. E.T.

Home | History | Suggestions | FAQ | Stats | Links
Awards | Commentators | Real Life | Fun Stuff | Studio Store

Next Match: Terror at 671 Lincoln Avenue
ETA: Monday, October 23rd, 2000

© 2000, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC