WWWF has just lost contact with our man in the field, Kent Brockman. What do you think happened, Steve?
BRIAN: It's deja vu all over again! Spot?! Spot in the studio audience?! I don't think so! The Munsters don't have the kind of special effects to allow Spot to come out from under the stairs! Spot is at home, waiting for the show to arrive on syndication. (I liken the bringing of Spot into this argument to your equally ridiculous introduction of Godzilla in Tarzan v. Aquaman.)
And another thing: Herman is a wimp. Sure he's big, but he never hurts anything or anybody. He's got a heart as big as Boo Radley! But who's as large as Herman but has nerves of steel and a mean streak a mile long? That's right, Lurch (the mean streak comes from his distaste of being typecast as the strong, silent, mutant type). Lurch (coming up from his front row seat) takes Herman out with one punch. Then the rest of the Munsters are dead weight. Grandpa turns himself into a bat and flies away in fear, while Lily, Marilyn and Eddie are too busy "cheering". Wednesday would take all three of them by herself.
STEVE: Boo Radley? This is the WWWF! We don't bring quality entertainment here! Mentioning Herman Munster and Boo Radley in the same sentence is a felony! For shame! Anyway, as far as Herman is concerned, you've never seen him really mad. He tones it down for the TV audience, but off-camera he's an enraged psychopath. And you're dead wrong about Lurch-- he couldn't help the Addamses at all-- he's just too slow. They really need to take him off 33 1/3 and bring him up to 45 rpm to be useful. Lurch would flail wildly (but slowly) and Herman would give him one punch square in the nose. Lurch would then be playing the big harpsicord in the sky.
And Wednesday? Gimme a break! She's probably scared of the Wolfman doll. Lily would easily claw her eyes out, and maybe cook her into some type of stew for dinner later that night. Wednesday just isn't significant in this match-up.
BRIAN: First of all, YOU are the only felon here with your implication that the Addams Family, the Munsters, nor the Family Feud are not quality entertainment!! I am shocked by this statement and am very disappointed in you, Steve.
Second, you claim we've never seen Herman "really mad." Well, when have we seen Lurch "really mad?" Once that adrenlin gets pumping, I guarantee you that Lurch can fly like a butterfly and sting like a bee (tm).
Third, you are really misjudging the capabilities of the women in the families, Steve. Lily is soft, Marilyn doesn't even belong there, and Eddie (they claim he's a boy, but he plays with dolls! Hello!) is not even worth discussing. Wednesday is pure evil! She is Rosemary's Baby at age 9! She can easily call up the forces of hell and vanquish half of the Munster family in seconds.
And finally, there is Gomez' rage. He had plans for that $10,000 they got from the bonus round (something about a Kool-Aid company in French Guyana). He will not be amused about losing out on all of that cash. Munsters get their three strikes and out in a hurry.
(Note: Richard Dawson and Kent Brockman are both mangled in the melee, of course.)
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HOWEVER, these are not ordinary circumstances. Consider, if you will, the unusual behavior of the Addams, specifically Gomez. First, he starts a fight over $10,000. Ten thousand dollars? Since when did the Addams need money. That's Wednesday and Pugley's allowance for a week. Anyway, Gomez could take the X hundred odd dollars, invest it in the stock market and then buy the Family Feud with the profits. MONEY SHOULD NOT BE A FIGHT MOTIVATION. Second, consider the fact that Gomez was distracted by Herman Munster. Gomez distracted? HAHAHAHAHA! You have to be kidding me. HE COULDN'T BE DISTRACTED BY ANYTHING! Herman could have put a loaded shotgun under Gomez's chin and not get a reaction. Finally, WHAT ARE THE ADDAMS DOING STARTING A FIGHT!? The Addams do not start fights. They don't need to. Under standard operating procedures, with no effort on their part, the Addams traditional intimidate and/or scare off every hostile person who comes in contact with them. Despite outward appearances, the Munsters act very much like normal people. Thus, they would be just as intimidated and scared. Combining this with the Feud slaughter, THE MUNSTERS ARE NOT ONLY DEFEATED BUT PSYCHOLOGICALLY BROKEN. PHYSICALLY BEATING THEM UP WOULD BE UNNECESSARY AND OUT OF CHARACTER!
Taking all these facts into account, there can be only one conclusion:
THESE ADDAMS ARE IMPOSTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The real Addams have been kidnaped before the Feud began. And this fight is no accident either. The Munsters INTENTIONALLY instigated the fight with full knowledge of the ruse. Close friends of the Addams and special guest stars Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy and Scooby Doo solved this plot hours earlier and have enlisted the good-hearted Munsters to help solve the case. So while the Munsters battle, Scooby and the gang are liberating the REAL Addams from some locked, hidden room somewhere in the studio. Using the smoke screen, the imposters are captured using an intricate plan thought up by Velma that is totally screwed up by Shaggy (as usual) but works anyway.
As the smoke clears, the fake Gomez is unmasked as... Bob Barker. As the gasp escapes from the crowd, a second mask is taken off. It is... Ray Combs. The gang explains that since he was replaced by Richard Dawson, he hasn't been able to get a job in the entertainment industry. To pay off his debts, he hoped to win the $10,000 prize and ruin the Family Feud in the process. As he yells, "And I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling kids!" the Munsters and Addams shake hands while Scooby and Shaggy enjoy some Scooby Snacks.
The Munsters defeat the phoney Addams. Q.E.D.
- Paul Golba
There's also one factor nobody has mentioned: Thing. I tell you that hand can do more than beckon; it can hold a gun. When Herman stomps his foot too hard and gets it caught in the floor, Thing will take aim and fire. Then it'll be off to the graveyard to get another Abby Normal brain for Herman. With their champion gone, the rest of the Munsters will crumble like Mexican housing during an earthquake.
The Addams Family will go on to make another hit movie, and the Munsters will continue to be consigned to cheap, cheezy, made-for-TV movies with stand-in actors. Realizing that he almost won an Oscar for My Cousin Vinny, Herman will try his hand at more erudite game shows like Tic-Tac-Dough.
- David Ranney
Fester ate Spot. Morticia pulled out all of Lily's hair. Wednesday kicked Eddie into the middle of next week. Pugsley had Marilyn, well...Let's just say they'll be married in 2 weeks. Gomez laughed as he saw Herman's body, smashed *through* the glass. Thing took Lurch and tied him into knots.
Hee hee! Addamses rout. :)
- Rusty (cornell '93)
Anyway, on to the Carnage: I have totally accurate intelligence reports from my spies that sitcom characters always emerge unchanged, even when struggling against each other. Detailed computer analysis shows that the two monstrous families have become separated in the confusion and Eddie Munster and Wednesday Addams have been kidnapped by a misunderstood "monster hunter". This will lead to a two hour special in which there will be much conflict between both ex-contestants, but everyone will become friends by the end, including the villain.
SO sayeth the law of the sitcom!
- The Man in Black
Now, ingenious as they are, the Addams' overly diabolical inventions have a tendency to miss at the last moment. Thus the Munsters will blunder across the landscape, narrowly avoiding death at each turn. Unfortunately, they will neglect to make any type of pun or witty comment based on said escapes (as per the movie), thus enraging Richard Dawson. Said game show host will enlist some beefy stagehands to face the Munsters mano a mano with an assortment of chainsaws, flamethrowers, rotary saws, etc. But this tactic doesn't work either. These villains will be disposed of by a combination of Grandpa's magic, Herman's blundering, and Marilyn's natural athleticism. They will proceed to the finish line in short order, there to receive their prize.
Which of course will be Wednsday's last and most ingenious trap, beheading Grandpa and Lily, and electrocuting Eddie back into potty-training. Those Addams' never did play fair. Gomez will give the despondent Richard Dawson a hearty slap on the back for being such a good sport("Sorry about the stage hands not working out, old boy, better luck next time.") and take his happy and content family back home. Herman, realizing he hasn't won anything will probably start jumping up and down and yelling "Darn!", no doubt bringing the studio down. Then Grandpa's severed head (peeking out of the rubble) will make a funny comment to Lily's severed head, thus ending the episode. (Naturally, Grandpa, Lily, and Eddie will be okay - as in all good sitcoms, by the start of the next episode everything will be exactly the way it was at the start of the previous episode - heads and all).
- Ukolovak Tile
- Timothy Ritty
I believe the rumors of Dawson's demise are greatly exxagerated. I got a bit suspicious when your on-scene correspondent held up a book, yelled "Stern rules!" and ran off laughing, hopefully to meet the wrath of Wednesday and her hell-minions (she met them while filming Casper-- they run Disney's financial department). It's highly unlikely that the combined might of the Addams and their clones could match Dawson's power even in ideal situations, much less during a mob's brawl.
No, Richard is alive and well, sitting off camera with a cigarette, wondering how he's going to find a replacement for his recently massacred cameraman. Growing bored watching the orgy of destruction before him, he asks the afforementioned Wednesday for a kiss, and she, high on adrenaline and the scent of charred flesh, refuses to kiss Richard-- a first in the history of humankind.
Richard, already miffed about having to interview for a new director and producer, gets, in the words of a surviving caterer, "ugly mean." He pulls the Microphone of Death[tm, makes the perfect gift!] from his pocket and quickly dispatches with anyone in a ten foot radius. The contestents and audience, recognizing the new terror, quickly settle their disputes in hopes of staving off the raving Dawson, but to no avail. After cutting through the Addamses like a table saw through butter, he corners the now-groveling Munsters and makes them one through five on the Dead Sitcom Star survey. He doesn't get to most of the audience because they trample themselves trying to get to the door. The rest meet their end against doors barricaded from the outside, in the vain hope of keeping the Host contained.
The barricaded doors give the security guards a thirty second head
start as Richard's Rampage continues with the receptionists outside and
the Swat team sent to put him down. The network executives are saved
only by a last minute call to Pat Sajak, who awakens from his perennial
daze to descend on Richard like the plague, and finally takes Dawson out
with his Mediocrity of Doom.
Herman: An formidable machine of pure might. Friendly, yes, but don't mistake that for being unable to defend his family. He should be able to easily overpower Lurch on his own (Lurch being the heavy hitter for the Addams family) but you wouldn't see Lurch on his own. Its lurch with the help of Uncle Fester, would is not as tough as lurch but still fairly robust and has occasional displays of great street cunning.
Grandpa: As Herman falls, Grandpa cannot come to rebuild Herman, Why? He's doing with Cousin it and Thing. Grandpa show great errudition as an engineer, but I say that Thing has more tricks up his sleeve.
Marilyn and Eddie: Both Wednesday and Pugsly are smaller and weaker than Eddie and Marilyn has seen far scarier things than the Addams family and yet she is still beautiful and charming, which should frighten anyone who really thinks about it. BUT, BUT, BUT... They lack the teamwork that makes the Addams children such a potent one-two combo.
Lilly: Very evenly matched against Morticia. Morticia's love for cruelty and torture (both giving and receiving) are LEGENDARY. While Lilly's deadly cooking and carefree killing ways are equally famed. But Mortica's just playing the waiting game here... keep Lilly busy while Cousin it finishes off Grandpa. And even if Lilly gets the upper hand, Morticia can certainly take the pounding.
- william li consultant
The big match is Lurch vs Herman. Herman's got the speed (fast motion at least once an episode), but Lurch has got the attitude and he's probably in better shape.
Thing can always lend a hand while Cousin It gets in their hair.
Lurch's harpsichord kicks ass over Lilly's harp. I mean, hell, it's got a whole "sichord" more, plus he doesn't sing.
None of the Munsters have a clue with weaponry of any kind.
---> and check this out... Addams is an anagram for Saddam. The Mother Of All Families. Munster makes sternum. Right where Lurch will punch Herman.
- Patrick Hester
Thanks! Great Page!!!
- Jason Edwards, University of Kansas
1. Herman is absolutely no match for Lurch. Especially considering the fact that Gomez has rigged up the diesel so that it smashes Herman in the head making him half unconcious, Lurch will take Herman out blindfolded with both hands tied behind his back.
2. Thing will take out Old Granpa Munster while he is being distracted by Fester's lightbulb trick.
3. Wednesday is the daughter from you don't want to know where and will find many new ways to kill Marilyn (Wednesday would have no problem killing many ensigns with such a creative mind).
4. Cousin IT has the power to pulverise anyone (even though he can't see with all that hair in the way). If nothing else he will drive them to insanity with all those squeeky noises he makes.
5. Morticia will get her mother to cook something up that will kill absolutely anything and by acting sweet get the gullible Lily to eat it.
6. Pugsly will take care of Eddie by just sitting on him.
7. Spot will bet taken care of by some of Morticia's carnivorous plants that she accidently left near the stairs.
As you can see it is absolutely no challenge. The Addams' win hands down.
Game, Set, Match
All right, let's look at this scientificly. We'll start with the Addams Family. Gomez Addams was played by John Astin. John Astin also played Harry Stone's father on Night Court, so he can count on them joining his side. The combination of Lurch, Bull, and Roz makes the heart shudder. Harry and Christine are what is politely called "combat ineffective", and Dan will be too busy hitting on Marylin to notice the fight going on around him. +1 for the Addams. John Astin also played The Riddler in two episodes of the Batman TV series in the 60's. This means that he can call on dozens of arch criminals and a small army of ineffective henchmen with cute nicknames. It also means that Batman and Robin will join the Munsters, but Adam and Burt are hopelessly outnumbered and the net advantage goes to the Addams Family. +3 for the Addams. The actress who played Morticia also did a guest appearance on Quincy where she played a nurse who killed one of her patients. This means that the legal firm representing the AMA will join in with the Munsters to counter this slanderous misrepresentation of the quality of American health care. And nobody in their right mind wants to mess with a bunch of ticked off lawyers. +1 for the Munsters Quincy and Sam will also join the Munsters side, but they don't bring much to the table. A combination of limited physical abilities and co-stars like Tony Randall will make them a non-factor. The actor who played Lurch also starred as a thug (BIG surprise) in an episode of Banacek. Banacek is a tough, scrappy guy who can hold his own in a fight. +1 for the Munsters. Banacek was played by George Peppard, who also played Hannibal Smith on the A-team. Although the A-team is never able to hit anything smaller than a jeep with their automatic weapons, they always held their own in the hand to hand department. +1 for the Munsters. The addition of the A-team to the Munster team will, of course, bring McGyver running to join the Addams clan. But this is a free for all bar room brawl, and Mac won't have time to build a nuclear warhead out of his belly button lint or whatever lame crap the writers have come up with this week. A definite non-factor. Dirk Bennidict was a member of the A-team, and was also on Battlestar Galactica. When he calls in Apollo, Boomer, and the rest of the squadron, the Munster clan will have the all-important air superiority over the Addams Family. +3 for the Munsters. However, the actor who played Lurch also played a 7 foot tall alien (another BIG surprise) on an episode of the Twilight Zone. Lurch will be able to summon an entire fleet of flying saucers, once he has been assured that the aliens will be allowed to eat the losing team. +3 for the Addams family.
Now let's look at the Munster side of the equation: Butch Patrick played Eddie Munster. He was also in The Phantom Tollbooth, but that was animated, and so doesn't count here. He also starred (and I use the term loosely) in Lidsville, a Sid and Marty Kroft effort about a boy who is magically transported to a world populated by hats. Sorry, Eddie, but no help there either. If anything those hat people will only get in the way. +1 for the Addams family. Al Lewis played Grandpa, and also starred (along with Fred Gwynne) in Car 54 where are you. Grandpa will call in dozens of New York's finest who will be able to put aside their doughnuts and their ticket books long enough to let out some pent-up frustration on the legion of criminals that the Riddler has brought along. A small army of cops is worth +3 for the Munsters. On Car 54 where are you, Al Lewis was married to Charlotte Rae, who was later on The Facts of Life. A couple of those girls were definite Babes(tm), which earns the Munsters +1. And last, but certainly not least, Fred "Herman Munster" Gwynne himself. Fact one: Gwynne was in My Cousin Vinnie, which also starred World Class Babe(tm) Marissa Tormei. Worth at least +2 for the Munsters. Fact two: Gwynne was in Pet Semetary with Denise "Tasha Yar" Crosby. Although not a Babe(tm), Tasha can certainly handle herself in a fight. And we can count on Data hijacking the Enterprise and bringing it to her aid. The combination of the Enterprise and the Galactica annihilates Lurch's fleet of flying saucers, giving the Munsters total control of the skies. +5 for the Munsters. Tally up all the points and we see the Munsters win a decisive 17 to 8 victory over the Addams Family. Hey, science doesn't lie.
- Dr. Dave
OK so Both Lily Munster and Morticia Addams have pulled the mind if I smoke gag at least a dozen times each, Morticia's flesh eating plants would slither out of the audience, and don't EVEN pretend they would leave them at home for an event like this, and make mince meat of the slower moving Munsters.
Uncle Fester would have his blunderbuss out and shoot Grandpa Munster before you could say "low down dirty sticken rotten no good back....." well you get the idea.
As to the heads of the clans, well, on the brute strength side I'd have to go with Herman, however, given the incredible skill with blades of all kinds, and rapier in particular that Gomez has I would have to say that Herman would never lay a ham sized mitt on him. Not to mention the agility that Gomez has been known to show at times, and Hermans clumsiness.
The kids, I'd give points on Wednesday and Pugsly being able to double team Eddie anyday. Why they'd have him hog tied and strapped to the nearest electric outlet before you could say "I can't even make it as a rock star."
Frankly in a fight I would have to give this one all the way to the Addams'. Now if we were to stage a drag race that would be a different story altogether.
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