World Wide Web Fights Presents
What is Grudge Match?
What is Grudge Match?

The Scenario

"There's still one more piece of business, Don Corleone."

"What is it?"

"That man... the dockworker that saw us with Scacchi. We spoke to him as you requested, and then he went to the police. We think he may be trouble."

"The police are no trouble," mutters the Don. "But this man is interfering with business. We need to make sure he doesn't talk too much. Make him an offer he can't refuse."

"Of course."

Later, in a simple Brooklyn brownstone

"Johnny! Why can't we just run?!" his wife sobs.

"'Cause they'll find us! Look, honey -- somethin' went down on the docks that night, but I didn't see nuthin'. But they thought I did, and that's all that matters. When they threatened me on the street that day, it scared the hell out of me. They talked about you -- they knew you were pregnant and when you were alone. They ain't just gonna leave us be! So I had to go to the cops. But the cops can't do nothin' 'cause nothins been done to us yet. They said we'd be safe here at your sister's place until somethin' can be figured out."

Suddenly, the sound of squealing tires is heard outside.

"Get down!"

The windows are shattered with a barrage of tommy gun fire. Then a brief silence, followed by more squealing tires.

"You alright, honey?"

"I'm OK..." she said, despite being visibly shaken. "What now, Johnny? Back to the cops?"

"No, baby. The only ones besides your sister who knew we were here were the cops. We're through with the cops."

"So do we run now, Johnny?"

"Hold on." Johnny sifts through the broken glass and pulls out a copy of that day's newspaper, open to the classifieds.


Johnny dials the number, and gets an answering machine. "Yeah. I'm answering your ad in the paper. I need your help. The mob's after me, but I didn't see nuthin' and I just want me and my wife to be left alone--" Johnny's interrupted by a voice at the other end.

"I understand. We'll have to arrange a meeting."

The Godfather, Don Vito Corleone
The Godfather


The Equalizer
The Equalizer, Robert McCall

Given that this match takes place in New York, the Godfather-related commentary will be limited to the characters and situations from The Godfather, Part I. Of course, given that these characters can draw on past experiences, the flashbacks from The Godfather, Part II may be referenced.

The WWWF welcomes guest commentator and staff member Chris "Jedi" Knight, who drank gallons of extra-virgin olive oil to build up his physique for this matchup.

The Commentary

CHRIS (hoping that his commentary career will last longer than Dennis Miller's on Monday Nite Football): Great to be here Brian, although this match is about as lopsided as English Soccer Hooligans vs. English Soccer Hooligans' weight in chihuahuas, as the Corleones go home with plenty of time for three-course pasta, while Robert McCall will go sleeping with the fishes.

Let's dispel the obvious: the overwhelming odds of the Equalizer taking on a Sicilian famiglia and walking away unscathed... maybe in certain Ah-nuldt Scharzeneggar flicks with Governor Jesse Ventura does that happen, but not here. At the very least he's put in a body cast, and that's only if Don Vito doesn't want to be disturbed for his godchild's baptism...

"Do you renounce Satan and all his works?"
"I do."
"Do you promise to raise your godson in the church?"
"I do."
Heck, why does it have to be the ENTIRE Corleone family against the Equalizer?! Michael held his own against that Irish cop, and he'll do just as well if not better against a Scot gone soft with expense-account living. Don't get me wrong: I watched "The Equalizer" all the time as a kid, but he's way out of his league here. Penny-ante loansharks? No sweat. Corrupt cops? Piece of cake. Playground bully? Gets slammed against the fence and never, ever yanks little Cindy's ponytails again. Guys who'd imply a threat to their own wives if they break omerta? Sorry, but you don't bring a whoopee cushion to a campfire scene out of "Blazing Saddles" if ya know what I mean.

And let's talk about something else: McCall was working for "The Company" before becoming an entrepreneurial vigilante. Now, anyone who's plowed through a Tom Clancy novel knows that "The Company" is the CIA. Now, who killed JFK? It was the the CIA, who hired the gunman through the Mafia... with me so far? Great. Now, if McCall found working indirectly for the mob tasteless enough, what makes him think he can take on their equivalent to the Green Berets? How's your man gonna get out of THIS one, "Hulkster"? (laughing with derision)

BRIAN (feeling bad about crushing a rookie, but this is business): Chris, I commend you for so nobly defending an irrelevant player in this match. True, Michael Corleone turned into a bit of a bad ass by the end of the film, but read the scenario. Vito is in charge. Thus, Michael is still some lame GI making goo-goo eyes over Annie Hall. Mike's character arc develops way too slowly to get in the Equalizer's way.

Speaking of slow, that's Vito in a nutshell. With all that Kleenex in his mouth, he talks slower than that crippled kid from Malcolm in the Middle. And then there's those looooong "deep thought" pauses he takes before making any major decisions. Geez, his slowness got him so far behind schedule that he had to work during his daughter's wedding! And let's face it: Vito's losing it. He was dumb enough to entrust his safety to Fredo, he lacked the vision to invest in drugs, and before long he was nothing but an orange sucking vegetable getting wheeled around a hospital. Anyone that sits in a chair and strokes a cat is aligned with Bond villains, and thus doomed to failure. Even having Rocky Balboa for a son-in-law can't make up for the Mr. Wigglesworth Effect™.

Now, while mobsters can make people disappear, and may own some cops, judges, and Frank Sinatra, they're also really good at getting convicted and dying. Remember that Robert De Niro aka the young Vito Corleone aka Al Capone was taken down by Kevin friggin' Costner. The world of international espionage is an entirely new ball game. Allow me to quote Kevin Bacon from A Few Good Men after Lt. Col. Markinson disappeared: "Do you know what Markinson did for his first 22 years in the Marines? Counter intelligence. Markinson is gone. There is no Markinson." And McCall is two steps higher than military intelligence, being involved in a part of "The Company" that the President probably didn't even know about.

The best the Corleones could ever do is bring down a corrupt police chief or maybe a congressman. McCall has brought down terrorists and dictators. The Corleones cannot handle such experience and power, and will wisely back off.

CHRIS: Power? You wanna talk power?! If it weren't for the RIDICULOUS rule preventing me from mentioning any Godfather flick after Part I... (sheesh who fixed this match anyway, Don King?) But since you mentioned PART II with the young Corleone bit, I'll point out that in Part III the Corleones went after the Vatican... the SAME Vatican that possesses a Cenobite box, the dread Necronomicon of the Mad Arab Abdul Alhazred and untold other mystic relics within its vaults. Fer pete's sake, ever since 1994 the Vatican has been owned by Bill Gates! So tell me again about the Corleones not being able to handle power if they can handle something with Microsoft, Cthulhu and Pinhead in its stable.

McCall on the other hand will run when it comes to power cosmic on the scale of Galactus. I cite Crusade, alias "TNT Ruins 'Babylon 5' With Attempted Sex Appeal", where McCall shows up as a technomage. And what were technomages doing all along? RUNNING WITH THEIR EQUATIONS BETWEEN THEIR LEGS FROM THE SHADOWS!!! Maybe they wouldn't have had to run if they hadn't stolen so much junk from the Shadows. So not only is McCall a coward, he's also a criminal. What the heck kind of consistency is THAT for a freelance crimefighter?! What a loser.

And if this IS the period of Part I, who's really in charge of the Corleones, since Vito is laid up in bed from gunshots? And it's not Michael either. I pick the reins falling to Robert Duvall, AKA The Great Santini and The Apostle. Remember that scene when preacher-boy crushes the guy's skull in with the baseball bat? No wonder he's Vito's right-hand man. Y'see, Duvall has The Rage(tm) like few mortals do. The Rage(tm) destroys some, but with the Corleones it refines them and makes them stronger through attrition. That's what the Corleone family is, Brian: an exercise in adaptation and social evolution. The same forces that gave us Superman villain Doomsday has bred a crime family (with Superman's dad even) that's invincible, plain and simple.

Final answer: McCall takes the case, then flees the country after finding the severed, bloody head of Fupp Duck in his bedsheets.

BRIAN: [Sound of Brian unfolding and rustling a road map]. Babylon 5? The Vatican? Am I in the right place? [Rustle. Rustle.]

The only thing remotely on point above is the bit about Robert Duvall, but even the Corleones themselves admit that Hagen "is not a wartime consigliore." Maybe if Duvall reverted back to Boo Radley he could beat up some drunks and hide behind a door, otherwise he's better left to dining with movie producers and giving advice that Vito doesn't take.

Getting back to Vito, let me stress again that this guy has gone soft. After he killed that first Don so many years ago, he's been completely hands off, constantly sending hired goons (hired goons?) off to do his dirty work. And who is he taking on most of the time? That landlord? Those two punk kids that beat up a girl? Khartoum, the race horse? Pitiful.

When you think about it, The Equalizer and The Godfather are actually very similar: both constantly have desperate people begging for their help. So which is better driven to perform this task? It boils down to motivation. McCall is driven by such noble qualities as fairness, justice, and equality. Additionally, he is constantly haunted by the ghosts of those who he has killed, the Memories of Manon™, and that whiney son of his. Someone so driven towards such noble ends will not be denied! But when someone wants a favor from the Corleone family, Vito only grants it in order to receive something in return. Thus, they exist only for their own self-interests, and the drive to succeed will be miniscule by comparison.

Sterno creates a diversion that pulls security from the house. Mickey and Jimmy go inside and secure the area, while McCall bursts into the office, slaps a dossier onto the desk, and grab's Vito around the neck. In McCall's sufficiently exaggerated style he says, "Mr. Corleone, I have come here to ASSURE you that Johnny witnessed NOTHING at the docks that evening. And if ANY harm should befall him OR his family, I ASSURE you that the incriminating evidence in THAT folder will find it's way into the hands of the proper UNCORRUPTED authorities. Do I make myself CLEAR?" Once convinced that leaving Johnny alone is in the family's best interest, Vito's decision is obvious.

The Results

The Godfather, Don Vito Corleone

The Godfather (455 - 62.9%)


The Equalizer, Robert McCall

The Equalizer (268 - 37.1%)

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Voter Comments


"It's over, Corleone!"

It's McCall, holding a 9mm pistol in one gloved hand, standing behind the driver's door of his Jag. The pistol is pointing at the corpulent Vito Corleone, who is standing at the buffet table loading up his third dessert.

*mumble*mumble*mumble* says Corleone.

"I think not!" says McCall. "Your boy 'Sonny' was killed in a gun battle with my operatives this afternoon at a toll booth in Bayonne." Upon hearing the news of Sonny's death, Vito clutches at his chest and slumps dead over the buffet table with a decidedly final SPLOORT. From out of the corner of his eye, McCall sees Fredo charging at him with a dull butter knife. McCall trips Fredo, who goes flying across the patio and lands head down in the cake. He smothers to death.

Now only one Corleone son is still alive. "HOO-HAA!" shouts Michael Corleone, wearing dark glasses and waving a white cane randomly in the air. "GONNA GET-CHA, McCALL! HOO-HAA! DIE, McCALL, DIE! HOO-HAA!" McCall knocks the cane from Michael's hand. Michael pulls his own gun, but before he can fire, McCall shoots him dead. (Lucky thing, too. McCall's gun only holds one bullet, apparently, since he has never been known to need to shoot it more than once in an episode.)

- Deacon (who learned everything he knows about tactics in American McGee's "Legion")

Silver Grudgie ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

I had to go with the Godfather. More intimidating nickname. Equalizer sounds like a low-grade math superhero from the Electric Company. 'Cower in fear, villain, as I, the Equalizer, make that remainder disappear. All decimals shall be rounded to the nearest ten until the world is safe. More ferocious than a fraction, more stupendous than a square root. It's the Equalizer!!!!! On the other hand, Equalizer is worth an astonishing 77 points in Scrabble, counting the 7-letter bonus....for what it's worth.

- 1/2 Nelson

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM (tie)

Damn. The only thing I know about The Equalizer is that he looks pretty good on Grudge Match. The Godfather is ruthless, but doesn't look as good as The Equalizer. Based solely on my keen ability to accurately determine a person's profile by winging it I have determined that The Equalizer will slaughter The Godfather- or at least stare him down real good.

First, there's a lot to say in a name. "The Equalizer" sounds cold and indifferent. Much like a customer service rep for a phone company. It's enough to make you want to sit in dark rooms and talk uninteligibly. "The Godfather" sounds almost angelic and the kitty doesn't help.

Second, The Equalizer has enough sense to wear his clothes loose and toss the tie. He is fully aware of how taxing unnecessary clothing can be when you're having a discussion with someone at the end of your 2x4, and he is fashionably prepared for the occasion. The Godfather, however, is conveniently dressed for his upcoming funeral.

Third, it is plainly obvious to anyone who is easily manipulated by suggestion that THE EQUALIZER IS HOLDING A GUN...YES...YOU SEE A GUN. The Godfather could either toss the cat at The Equalizer or use him as a shield. I have three cats and my experience has been that regardless of what kind of cat you have it is not wise to expect anything from it- especially any level of protection.

The Godfather will be hanging out of the nose of the Statue of Liberty in time for The Equalizer to get some R&R for a serious assignment.

- Roger Alicea

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM (tie)

In this match, the majority of people are probably going to vote for the Godfather without even thinking about it. Why? Because everbody's seen the Godfather, but relatively few people have even *heard* of the Equalizer. Thus, everyone will vote for who they are familiar with.

With that said, I vote for the Equalizer. Purely out of spite over the way Yoda won the Tournament of Champions V. After that shameful display of fanboyism, I say: Screw the majority! Screw pop culture! POWER TO THE OBSCURE!

- The Animator

I wanted to vote for the Equalizer... I really did, but then the Teamsters from the Local 25 in Boston showed up & threatened to "lean" on my terminal.... Teamsters & Hollywood... like oil & fire, never a good combo!

- Cygnia

Fact: Marlon Brando was recently in the Montreal area, filming a movie.

Useless trivia: The only news released from the set was that the one-time Godfather refused to wear pants during filming, in order to keep the camera pointed above the paunch of his midsection.

Natural conclusion: A mob boss running around without his pants is obviously a few clams short of the Olive Garden's dinner special. Rather than worry about what a dockworker does or doesn't know, Vito will have his troops rough up the Taco Bell chihuahua to get the secret chalupa recipe.

Match result: The Equalizer tames the Corleones, then teams up with the Amplifier, the Surround Speakers, and DVD Man to form the Home Entertainment Justice League.

- HotBranch!

I give this to the godfather, because Brian made a reference to "To Kill A Mockingbird," which is unforgiveable because that book TORTURED MY NINTH GRADE ENGLISH CLASS. Damn you.

- Keith, the Emperor of Penguins... DAMN YOU AGAIN!!!

Since we're taking this match literally enough to disinclude The Godfather parts II & III, then let's take this literal-mindedness a step further and see where it gets us. Robert McCall became a "crusader for justice," some time in the 80's. By that time the only major surviving member of the Corlione family was Michael, who was busy having a stroke on some farm somewhere in the middle of Italy. Johnny has been six feet under for forty years and McCall is busy setting up a sting operation on some guy for spanking his son a few times too often.
I hope that this sufficiently illustrates the pointlessness of bringing logic and continuity into a Grudge Match, where they most certainly don't belong.
P.S. To Chris, no I didn't have anything to do with setting up this match, but I appreciate the mention none the less.

- Don "King" Milliken

We hope that the second Godfather-based match clarifies our reasons for such restrictions. -Eds.

This being a matchup between the criminal underworld of the New York Mafia (that is IF it even exists - as we all know, this is a FICTIONAL matchup and as such is the only reason we can even surmise that the mafia exists - which we all know it doesn't, right Mr. Brazzi?) and a vigilante, we all know it is destined to end in bloodshed. Personally, I don't like blood. I'm a businessman. Blood is a big expense. Anyway, if this FICTIONAL matchup ever DID happen, the mafia (which I should reiterate to my friend Mr. Cangelosi, we ALL KNOW isn't real) would most certainly have the resources to put a mere vigilante out of business. Right?

- Jay

Since this fight really isn't about who-kills-who first, but who eventually saves or shoots Johnny and his wife, I'll have to go with The Equalizer. Why?

Because McCall works for "the Company", which is really the Generic American Movie Intelligence Agency. McCall will place Johnny and his wife with the Movie Witness Protection Program, which is in league with "The Company". The Witness Protection Program was featured in the lousy movie "The Eraser". The Eraser was played by, gasp, yes, I do think it's Ah-nuld Schwarzennegger (Geseinteit). Even Chris admitted that Arnie could tackle the mobsters, and after they make another attempt on Johnny, that's just what Arnold will do.

- Koske

This is truly a formidable match. The Godfather has the whole Mafia as his allies. McCall, despite appearances, is not without allies since he has his "Company" (read that as "CIA") connections. While it may seem a shoo-in for the Godfather, it must be remembered that the Mafia today is not what it once was. The Federal government has thrown most of its powerful leaders in prison with no prospects for release, leaving the lower-level crooks and small-timers. Even the most famous mobster these days, Tony Soprano, is of limited assistance since he has a whole mess of things going on that require his attention. So, this vacuum of power and leadership equalizes (no pun intended) the match-up.

Since I have never seen the Godfather films and also since my best friend was a *big* fan of "The Equalizer", I am somewhat leaning towards McCall. However, there is a more objective factor than my leanings that will decide the match. Consider the actors involved. The Godfather was played by Marlon Brando. Brando was, at one time, considered a great actor and the Godfather was probably his last gasp as a good actor. However, he soon became a bloated fatass that would make Eric Cartman look like Callista Flockhart by comparison. In addition, he has become a human parody and will do any role, no matter how dumb or demeaning, for money. Then we have Edward Woodward. True, he never attained the heights that Brando did when he was at his peak, but Woodward always lent a touch of class to any production he was in. And he was very well liked. For example, when he had some heart trouble back in the 1980's, he got tons of get-well messages from his fans. To his great credit, he actually took the time to write thank you messages to the fans though his doctors told him to take it easy and not bother. A truly great man. Brando would never do something like that.

So, McCall would use his class along with his high-tech skills to confuse and confound the Godfather. Perhaps he might even set things up so that at least some of the Godfather's henchmen run into the NYPD, a group prominently known for beating the crap out of people. It will be a tough one, but McCall will win.

- The Demented Astronomer

At first, I was planning on voting for the Godfather. I mean, who would vote against the greatest crime family ever? (unless it was the Russian mafia he was up against) but then I read that the Equalizer was a Scotsman. No one can defeat the Scots, particularly not the freakin' Italians. For God's sake, they had to ask for German help in conquering ETHIOPIA for Christ's sake! There was an incident in the war involving a German unit shooting a Scottish piper. The scots descended down on the Germans like a scene out of Braveheart, and killed every German but one poor sonuvabitch, who they sent back to German HQ to tell them not to shoot the pipers.

Why do I relate this, you may ask? Follow my logic:
1. Italians lose to Ethiopians.
2. Ethiopians lose to Germans.
3. Germans get freakin massacred by Scots.

Ergo, Scots make Italian haggis. End of story.

- I'm not an Alien!!!

Brian, I'm ashamed of you. Your motivation commentary smacks of exactly what you argued against in your "scintillating discourse" back in Grudge Match IV ( Really, who quotes from the 'equalizer'? According to "You've got mail" everyone knows 'The Godfather' Prediction: The godfather takes the equalizer to the mattresses.

- Topcat

I was going to respond to this personal attack, but then noticed that you quoted "You've Got Mail". Please don't do that again. - Brian

Let's see... The Godfather's a Catholic, so he has God on his side... The Equalizer reminds me of math, and, as anyone will tell you, math is a tool of SATAN! So, it's good vs. evil, essentially. As a Christian,and thus going with all things good and holy, I would've voted for the Godfather, but I accidentially pressed the wrong button. Whoops. Well, Good is overrated anyway!

- The Blue ONe

C'mon, one guy against an entire mob FAMILY? The C.I.A isn't what most people think, which you'd know if you read Tom Clancy. The guys at Hostage Rescue Team (H.R.T), Delta Force, and some of the Navy S.E.A.Ls (Sea Air Land) are the ones who do that sort of stuff. The best of that the C.I.A had is John Kelly a.k.a John Clark. He almost got killed taking down some lowly drug dealer punks in "Without Remorse". Even he couldn't take down a mob family. Kelly even did his stuff on his own terms. The Equalizer, whoever he is, is way out of his class. P.S: Clancy's "The Bear and the Dragon" is out! Jack Ryan and John Clark (with his pal, Ding Chavez) are back!

- Noman

I have no idea who this "Equalizer" is, but it doesn't matter. All that matters is that someone is fighting Marlon Brando. No one fights Marlon Brando and wins.

Brando, at the very beginning, was thin, cocky, wore leather jackets... Marlon Brando was a badass, the icon of a generation. He would stomp your ass in the ground if you annoyed him, just because he was cool enough to do so. Brando, near the middle of his career, had obviously grown up. He was a Sinatra-like figure, he was Hollywood royalty and he knew it too. He did what he liked and didn't care what you thought. If he didn't want to accept an Oscar because he was pissed about some political problem, then he just flat out didn't show up and you couldn't make him either; he was Brando. You messed with him, he would give you a nice punch in the face, and the three people nearest to him would start pounding you, because you don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit into the wind, you don't pull off the Lone Ranger's mask and you don't fuck with Brando. Period.

Then there's the scariest incarnation of all; the modern Brando. The eccentric Brando. The clinically insane Brando. This Brando is definitely someone you don't want to have mad at you. He has his own little island off the coast of Tahiti. He has had gangsters put out hits on him. He has people killed all the time for no reason. Even his performances have become stranger and stranger as time progresses. Many of his actions are self-destructive, making him more dangerous than ever. Pull a knife on him, or a gun, go ahead. "What good will it do against a man who strangles himself?" Whoever this Equalizer is, he's going to have his skull fragments equalized with the sidewalk pavement.

- Infraggable Krunk, quotes Eminem without worrying about legal action

The Godfather romps easily over McCall. Ignoring all other factors, I'll concentrate on Starpower(tm). Let's look at Marlon Brando, first. This guy's been in movies like On the Water Front, and A Streetcar Desire. This is the same person, who ONCE REFUSED AN OSCAR (for his role in The Godfather, I might add) sending some two bit actress posing as a Pakistani in his place to take the award for him, as a protest against something or the other. This is clearly the work of an insane man. But, as we've seen before on the Grudge Match, insane is good.

Now lets look at the Equalizer. Edward Woodward? Who? Exactly. I could stop right there, but I'll go on anyway. The only time he came close to playing alongside atual stars was in Beckett, where the main roles were played by John Gielgud, Peter O'Toole and Richard Burton. Woodward played an extra. This is not Starpower(tm) criteria.

Starpower aside, Corleone's a member of the freaking Cosa Nostra(tm)! Come on kids, spell it with me: T-H-E M-O-B. Not even a former member of the 'Company' can handle that. I'm afraid Johnny's going to that big dock in the sky... (Oh, and Brian, that comment comparing Corleone to Bond villains? Go and take a good look in the mirror, because you may never see your face the same way again)

- Boba Foot (Call me Bob)

If there's only one thing one can learn by watching the Godfather films, it's "don't screw the mafia". You'd think someone would take that advice sometime.

- Charge Man

Watching this match after TOCII is like watching the third undercard *AFTER* Tyson-Hollyfield


What has Don Vito done to make you treat him so disrespectfully? How dare you guys match him-- the very personification of coolness and, I daresay, possessor of Mr. T Level Bad-Assedness(tm)-- against a guy I never even heard of? It just boggles the mind. Put Vito up against a medium-sized country for a good Grudge Match, not this schmuck. You don't need any references to anything outside of "Godfather 1", hell, just the first few minutes should be proof that Vito is THE MAN, with THE PLAN, who can shake up the most powerful people in the country with a snap of the fingers and some semi-coherent mumbling. Equalizer don't wake up with a head in his bed; some other, more important enemy of the Corleones will wake up with Equalizer's head in their bed.

- Mark Dziak

I voted for Corleone, but now I'm starting to wonder why. All I can think of is how he died, cavorting around like a gorilla with an orange in his mouth, while a small child sprayed him with what looked like pesticide. (start comic book guy voice) Worst Death Pose EVER!!(end comic book guy voice)

- Tracer Malone

The Equalizer is in the business of making things equal, no? Otherwise they would neglect to call him "the Equalizer" and call him "the Moderator" or "the Marginal-At-Best-Care-Giver". Since the Godfather is, perhaps, a nudge EVIL. All things being even (yeah, I know you wanted that bad pun almost as much as I did, but it'd be too easy) that would make the "Equalizer" terribly good in this case. In a hypothetical situation, say the Equalizer vs. Mother Theresa, he would be extraordinarily EVIL to level the playing field. Hence, this Equalizer has no morals or beliefs of his own - just knee-jerk reactions to the situation at hand.

So, in the case of this match, when the competitors take the "field" as it were and good ol' Marlon suanters in with a provolone wheel ala Dom DeLuise, our Equalizer will not know how to react. How does one counteract cheese? - meaning, if cheese is all that's good and holy in the universe (ask ANY vegetarian) how does the Equalizer do his job? Simple: Wesley Crusher, of course. Who is more evil, sinister, or generally despicable? I certainly didn't want to mention the Unholy(tm) here, but you made me didn't you? You sick bastards...look at what you made me I have to go take a shower. The Equalizer hasn't a chance now that young Wes is here...the CROWD will get in on the Godfather's side for chrissakes. Great...all that beautiful commentary just FLUSHED down the can now that Wes is I'm all upset because the Godfather wins on a technicality...I HATE technicalities.

- Akhamed - Psychological Help 5 cents

A tough one, but I've gotta give it to the Corleones. They eat a lot of pasta, and everybody knows that carb loading is a key part of every champion's training regimen.

- Mr. Silverback- Also known as Silver "Tommy the Hlibut" Backorini

I'm a wee bit miffed right now. I saw Marlon Brando's character from the Godfather, saw Marlon Brando's character from On the Waterfront, and thought this would be an all-Brando belly-bumping brouhaha. You had the all-Batman match, why not one for one of most gifted actors and weight gainers of the screen? I put my putrid memories of Dr. Moreau on deck, knowing he'd have to be the winner in any given collection of Brandos.

Then I read the rest of the match. Nope, no Brando bash, just the Godfather vs. the Equalizer. Cripes, I never watched the Equalizer. I was aware of his existence, but I was nine when that was on the air. That and Wiseguy and Jake and the Fatman and L.A. Law and St. Elsewhere were all in the second category of TV shows, the ones that did NOT have the General Lee or Ponch and John, and which I thusly didn't watch.

Was this guy a one man A-Team, a Punisher who dresed preppy? How tough could this guy be if he advertised in the phone book? Is he really such an ass-kicker that he could give Vito Corleone a decent fight? Are there even reruns of this show on anywhere?

Regardless, my mind is still steaming since I can't cast a vote for Dr. Moreau. Please don't dangle the Moreau carrot again.

- Kilgore Trout

I think the last time I saw my godfather was when I was eight. However, I see an equal sign every day right next to the plus sign on the upper right of my keyboard. This probably holds true for everyone else, so we'll all subconsciiously vote for the Equalizer.

- Wubbie (back and brimming!)

The thing about an equalizer is that it only occurs AFTER the first goal from the other side, or in this case, first shooting by the other side. Unlike a goal, a shooting tends to leave the other person unable to equalize. Particularly when the shooting is done by several guys with machine guns. The Equalizer will never happen. Final score remains 1-0 to the Godfather.

- O.P.

What's this? A semi-literate Don versus an aging, low-end Jaguar driving Nielsen RatingsTM cancellee?


The Don would be the clear winner, as he has minions at his disposal. The only tragedy here is that the Don is too old and senile to understand that he's staring at the head of the Equalizer when its brought to him on a silver platter...he thinks its a cleverly designed cake and tries to eat it.

- Yawn, Despoiler of Bad Plots

In this case, I'm going to go with the side whose theme would make better music for ice cream trucks: Godfather.

- Mike Leung

How can someone named after artificial sweetner win?

P.S. Chris, as a Catholic(TM) I am going to get you for attempting to connect the Vatican, even remotely, with Bill Gates. And, hey, the Necronomiumiumium(tm) is nothing. you should see what I've got under my bed.

- Antidisestablishmentairianism

Simply listen to Vito. The man has a severe speech impediment, but he still managed to rise to become head of a Mafia syndicate. That might not seem like much in this day and wherein the F.B.I. reports on the mob falling into decline, but think of the period when "The Godfather" was set. There was no Affirmative Action nor Political Correctness then, so anyone trying to get a job had to face considerable opposition if they had any disability whatsoever. If Vito can become a crime boss back then, he must have Qualities of Leadership far above the human norm.

- The Nestbeschmutzer, using the Concisifier (TM) to keep my response short. Alas and alack, it malfunctioned lamentably when signing my name.

I voted for the Equalizer because I'm sick of everyone asking me if I've seen the Godfather movies.

- The Bunyip

In the immortal words of Fat Bastard, "Once you go FAT, you never go back!" Make mine Brando.


Simple, really. The Godfather has The Devil Himself(tm) as a son. Not only that, but Mr. Pacino went after the one thing more ruthless then the devil, Big tobacco(tm) and won.

- Bob

I'm sorry, but even though I've watched the Equalizer, like his style and what he stands for, he's outmatched. First, I've never seen a movie about him. Godfather's got his trilogy. Second, these days it's all about the mob. You've got the Sopranos, you've got Cover Me (USA messed things up by going from the FBI standpoint), you've got every movie involving the mafia since Godfather. They have some celeb clout to call in that will make the equalizer equalize the pressure in his drawers. He'll be called the Defecator after his run in with Joe Pesci (What am I here to amuse you, like some freakin' clown?), Al Pacino (Say halo to my little friend!), Robert DeNiro (You lookin' at me?), James Gandolfini (Those who show respect, get respect: Translation - He's telling you to shut your mouth and me to go F**k myself)!

Mafia is badass. They deal with scum all the time and they don't play around. Unlike Dr. Evil, they won't place the Equalizer in a room with an intricate method of death and an inept guard to watch him, while they disappear. No, bullet to the back of the head, a butcher shop to make the body easier to dispose of, and then a quick trip to a construction site to make the Equalizer part of a building's foundation. Quick and easy is the mafia's motto. The fight'll be over as soon as it gets dark and the Equalizer is walking along on his own.

- Pareeha, the man with one cement shoe.

Hey, don't dis the Godfather's physique. I seem to remember seeing him get shot five times and still he survived. Now that's toughness for you. Plus, he has THE RAGE (TM). That Fanuchi guy just wanted a couple hundred bucks from him, and instead of paying the guy, Vito blew him away. Such RAGE (TM). Equalizer doesn't stand a chance.

- J.R. Who Spits Upon the Equalizer's Chances

The Equalizer takes this one, though not for the obvious reasons. Not because a Godfather/Jabba match of gangsters would have ended up tagging Marlon Brando with all the fat jokes. Not because Robert DeNiro as young Vito Corleone would go crying to his shrink three minutes into the match with 'issues'. Not because Robert McCall's Scottish surname portends the immeasurable weight of the Braveheart Jihad™ coming in on his side. No, it's all due to television.

McCall gave us a hundred hours of wholesome vigilantism with nary a peep from his home network. However, when NBC aired The Godfather Saga in the late 1970s, it was slashed to ribbons by the Broadcast Standards department, all the juiciest violence and profanity taken away. You'd expect people with the reputation of the Corleone family to wreak bloody revenge for such disrespect. So what happened? Did network honcho Fred Silverman wake up with a peacock's head in his bed? Were Larry Wilcox and Erik Estrada's bloody bodies found stuffed into tollbooth baskets? Was the original cast of Saturday Night Live sprayed with machine-gun bullets? (Hint: When they talk about John Belushi and 'shooting up', that's not what they mean.) I think this lack of reprisal exposes the Corleones for the paper tigers they are. If they're lucky, McCall will leave Don Vito with just enough teeth to keep up his constant diet of Lucky Charms. (Oh, and do not get me started on that Matthew Broderick connection.)

- Call me Shane

"Your request for help honors us, Corleone" says a thin, well-dressed Italian man at one end of the table, "But I am surprised by the number of powerful individuals surrounding me," he states, looking around at the others at the table. All around are Italian men in sharp suits, flanked by muscular bodyguards with twitchy expressions and a tendancy to put their hands inside their jackets. "This 'equalizer', he is no ordinary foe" Corleone says, leaning his immense girth back into the chair and taking a familiar pose: hands in front with fingertips just touching. "While my family could take him alone, he is crafty, intelligent, and dangerous. Should I somehow fail, he will not stop here, he will move on to one of you next. Will it be you, Scorcerro? You, Vermosi? Maybe. But if we strike now, together, it will be one less concern for all of us." The meeting progresses swiftly, and after deals involving the control of prostitution and numbers rings, hands are shaken, cheeks are kissed, and plans are put in motion.

At the same table, that same day, barely two hours later, a round Irishman with a very suspicious look sits down with 6 other Irishmen. At the head of the table, Don Corleone again strikes the same pose. "We have long been enemies, but now we have a common enemy..."

Later that day, the Don sits with his family around the dinner table. Breaking with house rules, one of his sons quickly discusses "the business" before momma gets back with the wine. "Pop, do you think the other families and the Irish will stand by the deal?", asks one, in a hushed voice. "Of course they will. The other families are now bound by honor. We have a common goal. It will last only until he is dead, but that will be enough. The Irish are just a precaution. While we're busy, I don't want any other organizations moving against us." says the Don, with a warning look. Another brother leans in and says "You know pop, this is the kind of thing he does best"

- Tirdun

We've got one guy from an organization of Italians (the same bunch that got their heads handed to them by the Ethiopians and had trouble with fighting the French) which is prone to shooting each other with more enthusiasm than they shoot outsiders, and on the other side we have a guy who not only used to do shady things but got government funding for his work. And since we're talking about the CIA in a fictional context, he's an ex-member of an organization that seems to alternatively save the world then threaten it according to a million or so movies; a little above La Cosa Nostra's level I think. Besides, it's not like Brando's a hard target to hit these days...

- "Mad Dog" Mike

Woodward was the star of "Breaker Morant," a movie far better than those silly American mafia movies. The Breaker fought off an army of Boers by himself while he was a prisoner. The Godfather mumbled and mumbled and ended his career as an animal smuggler in "The Freshman." The Godfather was brought to justice by Matthew Broderick. Woodward is not an Equalizer, he is a Breaker who will break the Godfather like a piece of crazy bread at a Little Caesar's. (BTW, it should also be mentioned that Little Caesar would have pushed the Corliones out of business too).

- The Bushfeld Carbiner

(Close shot of the outside of a convenience store, a place called Qwik-Stop. The shutters are down, and a person comes over, and opens up the door, grabbing the keys, restocking the papers, etc. He comes to open the shutters... not this time. They're locked and covered with gum. A painful sigh, and he goes back in. He'd make a sign, but the last time he did that, he smelled like shoe polish for the entire day.
Zoom in on the clock. It speeds ahead, cheesily, like someone turned it manually. 11:30. A second figure roams into the picture. He enters the Qwik-Stop.)

Dante: You're late, Randal. As usual. You gotta stop doing this...
Randal: Or what, they'll fire me? Please, I'm the only person in Red Bank who would work for that little money. Why don't you open the shutters?
Dante: Someone gummed up the locks, again.
Randal: Bunch of savages in this town. Woah, déjà vu.
Dante: Go open the video store.
(He leaves. Another clock advance, to 2:00. Randal walks into the Qwik-Stop.)
Randal: You know what I just saw? Some web site was having a Grudge Match between the entire Corleone family and the Equalizer.
Dante: How did you see a web site? They don't have a computer any newer than a Commodore in the video store.
Randal: I went home.
Dante: You went home?
Randal: I went home.
Dante: You closed the video store?
Randal: Does that surprise you?
Dante: ...
Randal: Anyway, what do you think? Corleones vs. the Equalizer.
Dante: The entire Corleone family?
Randal: Well, Godfather I. You can't count II or III. III sucked anyway.
Dante: The Corleones in a heartbeat, even without II and III. Especially without III.
Randal: Are you kidding me? The Equalizer would take them all out in one episode, even.
Dante: Are you doubting the sheer power of the Mafia? They run entire cities. They have police, government officials, even ordinary citizens under their thumb. If you have a problem with someone, you go to Don Corleone. It's that easy. Besides, Pacino's in that movie. And Brando. You can't go wrong.
Randal: But Brando was an old time don. He didn't really do anything, and he just thought way too much. Besides, he's the new Brando, not the old "Streetcar" or even "Waterfront" Brando, so he's fat, lazy, and untalented. And Pacino's character did nothing but try to woo Diane Keaton, which simply shows a lack of taste in my book. Besides, the Equalizer's ex-CIA, man. They kill people like the Corleones daily, and still have the time to both spy on Russia and the US.
Dante: The CIA can't handle the big jobs by themselves. I mean seriously, they hired a patsy like Oswald for crying out loud. When they can't get the job done, they go to outside sources, like Golgo 13. Hell, they've even hired the Mafia.
Randal: Leave the Professional out of this. All I'm saying is that the Corleone family doesn't stand a chance against the sheer power of the Equalizer. No matter what you try to say, the Corleones just don't have what it takes to survive in this day and age.
Dante: And the Equalizer does? The guy's like 80 now. He's lucky if he can go to the bathroom by himself.
Randal: C'mon, you mean to tell me that you don't think a guy like the Equalizer would have trained a successor by now? He knew he was getting old, and he knew he needed to keep the business alive, so he had to have found someone.
Dante: Now we're talking conjecture, Randal. We don't know that. We only know that the Equalizer is in this fight, not anyone he's hired.
Randal: It's also conjecture to assume that the Equalizer is even still alive, but we've passed that point already.
(A new face comes into the picture. He's wearing a suit, and he grabs a newspaper, and stands at the counter. We only see the back of his head, but both Dante and Randal are in shock. Finally, the man speaks.)
Man: I couldn't help but overhear you talking about the Equalizer and the Corleones. Lemme tell you, the Corleones would've kicked my ass.
(The camera turns to him... it's Robert McCall!)
Dante: What the hell are you doing here? In Red Bank, of all places?
McCall: Well, I'm a TV exec now. There's this game show at the mall that I watched yesterday, but I'm really here to see Kevin Smith. What else is there in Red Bank?
Randal: See, Dante? Hate to say I told you so.
(Then, the ones known as Jay and Silent Bob make their way in. McCall immediately recognizes Silent Bob as Kevin Smith... right?)
McCall: Kevin, good to see you. How you been?
Silent Bob: ...
Jay: Who's this fuckin dude, man? Why's he callin you Kevin? What's up with that?
Silent Bob: ... (shrugs)
Jay: This here's Silent Bob, and I'm Jay... wait a minute... aren't you that guy from those fuckin Infiniti commercials?
McCall: (pissed off and ignoring Jay) Pack of cigarettes.
(Fade out to sounds of "Berserker".)

- Boden-san, your resident safety representative
The Surgeon General warns that clicking here could be hazardous to your health.


If the Equalizer was so good, how come he hasn't been hired to find Dan WillisTM?

- Capital J

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Bandit v. CHiPs
James Bond v. Indiana Jones
Imelda Marcos v. Leona Helmsley

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Next Match: The greatest sequel ever made.
ETA: Friday, September 15th, 2000

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