"How could he do those things?" she asks in a trembling whisper. "What could make him so horrible?"
"Maybe he finally saw Barb Wire!" a bystander cracks. He is immediately set upon by other onlookers, who start beating some sensitivity into him.
The commotion doesn't reach Pamela through her sobbing. "Oh, what will become of me? Where will I find someone else, someone big, strong and masculine, to take care of me?" Pamela lifts her face in yearning, as moisture glistens on her large, round, milky-white ... uhh ... eyes! Yeah, eyes.
Suddenly, a distant rumble turns her head toward the East River. A one-hundred-foot ape, just escaped from shameless exploitation in Queens, walks out of the water. He spies Pamela atop the Empire State Building, grins, and beats his huge, hairy chest.
Fresh rumbles sound again, from the Hudson River. A one-hundred-foot lizard, just released from his Pacific lair by French nuclear testing and fresh from tearing a swath of destruction across Middle America, walks out of the water. He spies Pamela, and looses a tremendous roar.
People are already screaming and running in the streets, as the two rivals size up each other, and their prize.
So, Jeff, will the gigantic gorilla or the gargantuan green guy get the girl?
JEFF: I think the outcome of this match will be obvious to even the most casual observer. Godzilla in a cakewalk. I mean, look at this guy's record: he's beat up Megalon, Ghidra, Mechagodzilla, the Smog Monster, and really an endless supply of gigantic pretenders and invaders. He is the undisputed king of Monster Island. In fact, about the only gigantic creature he hasn't whupped ass on in a mano a' mano match is Raymond Burr. Sure, some may say King Kong beat Godzilla in their earlier match, but that was really more of a draw, and only some clever editing by the American-version film producers gave the impression that Godzilla had been defeated. And even then, Godzilla had to struggle through tanks, air strikes, 200,000 volt power lines, and basically the entire Japanese military (acknowledged by Jane's Anti-Monster Weaponry as the most advanced giant-monster suppression force in the world) to get to the base of Mt. Fuji. In the mean time, King Kong had to be given an airlift after getting drunk on performance-enhancing, steroid-containing, weight-gain producing, narcotic berry juice. Also, in Manhattan King Kong encounters a few Apache attack helicopters, and he's down for the count. What a wimp.
And there is another factor here: Motivation(tm). Godzilla was born from nuclear testing in the 50's, which puts him in his forties now. Just about the right time for a mid-life crisis, where he goes to get himself a young, nubile mistress. As for King Kong, well, let's just say he's a LOT older. He also already has a girlfriend, and Fay Wray is not the type to let her 100-foot ape boyfriend fool around on her. It's a little hard to go for a discreet night out with your mistress when you're a 100-foot gorilla and your mistress is a surgically enhanced rock and roll groupie. KK knows this, and his heart will not really be in this match.
SHANE: First, Jeff, let me say what a pleasure it is to have you on the staff, and as a commentator in the first match. That bootlicking aside, I regret to inform you that Godzilla will be on his knees faster than a White House intern, and with similar damage to his reputation.
King Kong was lording it over Skull Island decades before Godzilla could even claw his way off the ocean floor. He kicked other monsters' tails (including a T-Rex -- valuable, relevant experience). He cowed hundreds of extras in funny clothes into abject worship. All who saw him feared him. He was the Eighth Wonder Of The World. Makes you want to thump your chest just thinking about it. (This could be dangerous for Pamela, but I digress.) Who has Godzilla beaten? A parade of otherwise unemployable Japanese actors in rubber suits. As for the Japanese Army, they're wimps. They have to be. We wrote it into their constitution after WWII. I quote: "Henceforth, the Japanese Armed Forces shall be a bunch of pantywaists. Signed, Douglas MacArthur." Those four-inch windup tanks Godzilla's always stomping aren't models, Jeff. They're the real Japanese army. Godzilla has never faced a worthy competitor, and woe betide anybody standing beneath Godzilla when he sees Kong, 'cause they'll be drowned in urine, if you catch my drift.
And Fay Wray? Sheesh! She's ninety years old now, and it wouldn't matter anyway if she were still twenty-one. It's like the old joke says: Where does a 100-foot gorilla sleep? With anyone he wants! Kong will climb right up to Pamela -- oh, and when have we ever seen Godzilla climb anything? Another point deducted -- and it'll be time for some Jungle Love.
JEFF: I appreciate the welcome, Shane, I truly do. It's just so unfortunate that the rest of your commentary failed to make any logical sense....
I mean, really, Skull Island? Didn't the natives of Skull Island manage to capture King Kong behind some kind of wooden fence? Surely if KK were so tough (and good at climbing) he would have just hopped over the fence and rampaged though the islanders' village. He didn't. Why? Because he was scared. Godzilla never let mere humans stop him. He rampaged through Tokyo and Osaka, over barriers and through buildings, squashing ninjas and samurai and kamikazes alike.
And the fact that King Kong has been "lording" over Skull Island for decades longer than the big G was actually kind of my point. Primates are not known for their long lives, while fire-breathing dragons, according to popular culture, tend to live for a long, long time. Godzilla is basically an 18 year old stud (in human terms) compared to King Kong, who is as much a senile old geezer as Ronald Reagan.
And lets not forget the pollution factor. Radioactive pollution is basically Godzilla's natural habitat. He will feel right at home in the Hudson and on Manhattan while King Kong will be gasping for breath in the dense smog, provided he manages to make it across the East River without dissolving.
The way I see it, "G" will give KK a big dose of his nasty halitosis, pop a Breath Saver, and treat Pamela to some roasted monkey brains.
SHANE: Ronald Reagan? Shame on you, Jeff! If you need to pick on a terminally ill 87-year-old to score points, your case for Godzilla is more flaccid than I thought. I should sic Nancy on you -- then you'll see some fire-breathing!
If you insist on harping on age, might I remind you that Godzilla is in fact a dinosaur. That's 65 million years right off the bat, compared to Kong's sprightly 65. Million-to-one odds don't look good for Geezer-zilla, and hibernating in corrosive seawater most of that time doesn't help, either. Besides, all this radioactive pollution must have some effect, and I'm guessing it weakens him in the reproductive department. Have you seen naughty bits on Godzilla? If they're there, they ain't much. (Kong's are fortunately concealed by hair, otherwise his movies would be automatic NC-17s.) This hits Godzilla right in the motivation. Nothing worth fighting for, for him.
(Even granted a monster-sized sex drive, Godzilla would still be at a disadvantage. After decades rampaging across Japan, his tastes in females run to the perky-daughter-of-the-hero-scientist type, not toward tall, blond, and bustin'-out-all-over.)
Finally, remember we're in New York, the Urban Jungle(tm). King Kong's been here before, and knows the turf. Godzilla only arrives here in his summer blockbuster, and will be as confused as any tourist. He'll need to call a cab -- actually two; he'll wear them like roller skates. Knowing an easy mark, the cabbies will be running up their fares somewhere in Harlem, while King Kong is showing Pamela he knows how to treat her right.
The two most famous chests in the world -- how could they not be the perfect couple?
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Due to the very high quality of responses, we were forced to employ The Iron Fist in trimming them down to manageable size. We salute everyone who sent us a response. Keep 'em coming!
Also, Official Ground Zero policy is that Panel members not directly involved in a match may post responses, but are not eligible for Response of the Week. However, they are eligible to win The Final Word. Please make note of this since there will be a test on it later.
Although on the surface King Kong (1933) appears to be about a giant ape wrecking havoc on New York, any Freudian psychologist worth his salt knows that it is actually about (you guessed it) sex. Kong is the living manifestation of the libido of Carl Denham (the movie director character) who is unable to have Fay Wray, the woman he lusts for.
Meanwhile, Godzilla (Gojira ), is an examination of Japanese fears of nuclear war in the wake of the Hiroshima bombing. Thus, Godzilla is not a giant lizard, but rather, a manifestation of uncontrollable violence.
Thus, in New York, the battle for Pamela Anderson Lee Majors O'Neal Varney is being fought between "sex" and "violence." Since Godzilla has no incentive to win (those Japanese monsters tend to favor either willowy Japanese maidens or chunky schoolboys named "Kenny" who wear tiny pants), Kong will win. Love conquers all...
- Dale "Geoduck" Abersold
- Chewly's Gum
When King Kong comes thundering into the scene, you hear a BOOM BOOM BOOM Jungle Beat <tm>. But what happens when Godzilla emerges from the muck? You hear the badly translated singing of 30 Japanese ten-year-olds:
HE'S SO BIG
HE'S SO HUGE
HE BIG EATER OF FOOD!
HE BIG GREEN
HE FRIEND TO ALL CHILDREN
NO WAIT THAT GAMERA!
GODZILLA BIG BAD BREATH GUY
HE LIKE PAM BEACH BALLS!
It's obvious who will win in this one. Godzill's song is Just.....Too....Sweeeeeeeeeeeet!
- Scottish Ned
The whole thing is a setup. If you had bothered to check you'd know that Godzilla has a brand new movie coming out and this whole thing is just a publicity stunt, set up to hype the movie by the MOtion Picture MEdia Conglomerate (MPMC tm). King Kong's obviously getting paid to take a fall, and if King Kong Had a new movie coming out it would be Godzilla hitting the skids.
Pamela Lee being the babe in question should have been a big clue? Ever since Barb Wire she'll do anything for a buck. Even if the fight was real instead of a lame setup to sell movie tickets, Godzilla would have to win, because he has all new special effects, while KK is barely out of black and white. How the hell is KK's jerky claymation body gonna stand up to a digitized computerized completely reworked Godzilla. And if that weren't, enough Blue Oyster cult wrote a song about Godzilla. He's got real Heavy Metal Rock & ROll theme music. Kong only has a couple of bongos.
Really guys, try not to be so gullible and give away free publicity every time some two-bit media mogul pulls a stunt like this. You have a reputation to uphold.
If you doubt my word on this I call your attention to Godzilla Vs. The Smog Monster wchich we all know was funded by Toyota to help ram expensive inefficient catalytic convertors down the throats of an unsuspecting Japanese marketplace.
Godzilla has a long history of this kind of thing. It gives a bad name to The honest monsters that are out there slaving constantly without any media support our corporate sponsorship. In the future I'd appreciate it if you didn't enourage this kind of thing. It makes the rest of us look bad.
Godzilla. Has fire breath.
In other words, two minutes into the fight, Godzilla gets sick of being smacked by Giant Gorilla Fists (tm) and blasts Kong with a burst o' Hellfire (tm).
King Kong, obviously, doesn't bathe very often, which means he'll be one gigantic grease fire waiting to happen. One touch by the 'Zilla's halitosis of doom, and Kong's running down the street like a little girl. End of story.
By the way, Godzilla's breath has unfortunate consequences; namely, it melts Pamela Anderson "Barbie" Lee (hey, is she the booby prize?) to his hand. So, though he wins, he yet loses his hand. Shame, ain't it?
- Thomas Wilde
By the way, thanks for putting my family tree on the web.
- Mark Wentz
As you may recall in such movies as Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla or Godzilla versus Megalon, the normal course of events is for Godzilla to get his ass kicked for awhile before calling in some allies and envoking The Amazing Comeback (tm) and crushing his opponent.
Why is Godzilla such a Big Monster on Campus (BMOC) you ask? Well, he is a member of the Monster Union of course, as are all those other Japanese movie monsters. So obviously all he has to do ask for the help of his union buddies in wiping King Kong off the map. Not only that, but it is a little known fact that King Kong is hated by the members of the Monster Union. Originally, a number of Monsters were up for the role in the yet unnamed movie about a monster let loose in New York. When the Union went on strike, King Kong crossed the picket line and starred in the movie. Every monster would love to get a piece of this scab.
Granted, King Kong lacks the eye-lasers and finger missiles that most of Godzilla's opponents have, but the fight will probably stay even for awhile. But eventually Godzilla will let out The Roar (tm) and a couple of his homies will join the fracas. Expect Mothra, Gamera (and of course his little friend Kenny) and a few others to show up. They will proceed to open a collective can of whoop-ass and King Kong will be no more.
Great way to start off guys, with a match as lopsided as "Enterprise vs. Deathstar". Next week, why don't you try a tough one.
- Ian (Yeah, that's all. Ian)
Due to his color, Godzilla screen-tested better with Lady Liberty, and wins the leading role. Kong, however, wins an Oscar nomination for portraying the condescending gay gorilla friend.
Saving New York City from total destruction, David Hasselhoff wins the Nobel Peace Prize, and accepts the membership of Earth's Mightiest Heroes, The Avengers.
- Michael Leung
"We did it before and we can do it again, and we will do it again!"
With this song ringing in their ears, American troops marched off to win World War II. Naturally, the American monster will have it in mind when he goes to shred the arch-enemical Japanese lizard.
Consider, King Kong is a Yankee. Yankees beat us in the Second American Revolution, and if Yankees can beat Tennesseeans, a Yankee monster can easily whup the scaly tail of some Japanese lizard.
Also recall that Lizards are cold-blooded, and Yankeedom is fairly cold, especially way up on top of a big building (presuming Godzilla can even climb it). Godzilla will freeze to death on the way up, and Pamela will not warm him up. Remember that Lizards are not mammals, whereas the most memorable aspect of Pamela is her most mammalian characteristic. Godzilla will find any other human equally edible/attractive, and not bother to climb the tall, cold, Empire State Building. He will go off to eat Louie DePalma, who cheated him on his cab fare, and King Kong will win the contest and the babe by default.
- Field Marshall J A "Dusty" Sayers, O.St.D.
Now with the ass-kissing out of the way, let's get down to business. The deciding factor in this match will be THE MEDIA (tm). You see, THE MEDIA (tm), particularly the Papparazzi (tm), follow around Pamela Lee like lost puppies (can't blame 'em). But, with the emergence of not one, but TWO 100-foot tall creatures, the entire MEDIA FORCE (tm) of the entire city of New York will be on hand. Now, the reason why this is such an important fact is due to the track records of the two sexually-deprived colossal combatants. Much like the Stormtroopers (tm), King Kong has trouble when on film; that is, he always ends up screwing up with the camera rolling. Godzilla, however, is virtually unstoppable once filming begins! Just look at his track record, fer chrissakes! And with all those movies under his belt, no way is he getting camera shy! So, here is how it plays out.........
Both exceptionally large abominations meet in the streets to duke it out for Pamela's breas.......er...... hand, yeah, that's it. A mighty battle ensues, and the K-man, due to his superior primate intellect, is able to take the early upper hand. But, once the glint of the cameras start, he feels the need to perform, starts to yield to the pressure, and eventually loses his composure. Godzilla senses his adversary start to lessen up on him, and, with a wink, nod and smirk to the cameras, bludgeons Kong, living it up in the limelight. Thus, as the final shot fades out, Godzilla is returning to the sea at sunset, with Pam and both of her gorgeous floatation devices.
- Adam B.
Anyway, she'll take one look at Kong, and seeing that he's the only thing in town that might stand a chance of satisfying her Monstrous Libido (tm), she will fall instantly in lust with him (despite that whole inter-species mating thing). When she sees him going for that little silicone strumpet Pamela Anderson (Lee?), she'll get Monstrously pissed off.
No cat fight for these two, however, as Godzilla will instantly blast Anderson with enough radiation to give the entire cast of Baywatch one humdinger of a sunburn, leaving behind little more than a few charcoal brickettes and a crispy copy of the Tommy and Pamela Lee "home video" (who needs wedding photos?).
Godzilla will then turn on Kong. In a fit of Monstrous PMS (tm)and jealousy induced Rage (tm), she will beat his monkey ass handily while repeatedly screaming "Who's bitch are ya now?" in Japanese.
Final scene of this flick is Kong with a ball-gag while Godzilla stands over him triumphantly -- look for the animated sequel and unauthorized honeymoon video: _Godzilla and Kong Uncensored_ (brought to you by the same freaks who did the anime flick _Legend of the Ovefiend_).
- The Dirty Cowboy
Kong has a chance, especially since Godzilla has never expressed an interest in human chicks anyway. My take: Kong re-enacts the Pamela/ Tommy lust video, causing Pam to explode like a wet paper bag pumped full of oysters and tabasco sauce.
- -- Whit
1) Godzilla 'melts down'
2) Godzilla's nuclear energy is 'shut off' by the government
3) Godzilla is pestered by protestors to the point of submission
4) Godzilla spends all his effort fighting lawsuits by plaintiffs harmed by nuclear energy in the past (Tokyo not included)
Meanwhile, King Kong has just the good ol' muscle GOD gave him, and that is all any American-Pacific-Islander needs.
- General Kang
As the helecopters retreat from the remaining moster - busy ravaging what is left of the city - one executive is heard to say "Keep rolling! We just saved a fortune in special effects! Aren't you glad we got that license?"
- Jeffrey Smith
All of this was covered in the commentary, of course, but it's so pivotal that it bears mentioning again. Kong doesn't have to beat Godzilla; he just has to climb higher than scale-boy can reach, then roof-hop his way (think: the Tick) to the Babe du jour.
However, it's a moot point. Kong would reach Pamela, pick her up, sniff a few times, and promptly drop her to her death because he is unable to recognize anything human beneath all of the plastic. Actually, Pamela would most likely live to pose nude another day, thanks to her driver's-side airbags(tm).
Besides, we know Kong's tastes from ample precedent. He would probably be more of a Kate Winslett-admiring beast, or maybe Helena Bonham Carter would light his ape-fires. Pamela's just too skanky for him.
- Brian Smith
CONEVNTIONAL MILITARY WEAPONRY -- Kong gets shot and killed about as often as Kenny on South Park. He simply cannot stand up to high caliber ammunition appllied at high speeds. Godzilla was created by the atomic bomb. 'Nuff said.
GIANT SEA CREATURES -- Kong beats up a poor, defenseless, suddenly land-bound giant octopus. This poor thing is probably wondering how the hell iit got on land and what the monkey is doing, it's not trying to fight. Besides, how tough is an octopus? It's all squishy. Hell, Captain Nemo took out a squid. Godzilla, on the other hand, soundly defeated and brutally dismembered a giant, heavily-armored shrimp, while also managing to take down an international terrorist organization. A handicap match, and Godzilla still wins.
MECHANIZED VERSIONS OF THEMSELVES -- Both have faced giant robots who look like them. Both have won. But this fails to support my argument, so Godzilla gets the advantage here.
CASH-CRAZED REMAKE PRODUCERS -- Kong got Dino DeLaurentis. Godzilla got Emerich and Devlin. You do the math.
Plus, with Pamela Lee in the mix, Kong would just stare all moon-eyed at her while Godzilla pounds him into monkey steak. Sorry, but the ape bites it.
True, King Kong was a greater technical achievement whereas Godzilla was just a guy in a clumsy suit, but Godzilla had a cooler toy. Show me where King Kong had anything like my foot-and-a-half tall Godzilla with flame-tongue action(tm) and spring-loaded firing right fist(tm).
Lacking a giant kid's hand to pull the lever on the back of his head to activate his flame breath(tm), Godzilla hits the button which sends his fist flying into Kong's chest. Stunned, Kong gets the breath knocked out of him and falls from the Trump Tower. Kong is forced to flee, until the new CGI-rendered remake of his movie gets made (coming soon(tm)), at which time he'll have better marketing and return with a Power-Banana Missile Launcher(tm). Until then, however, this match clearly belongs to Godzilla.
- Chris 'Jedi' Knight
First of all, Kong's got nothing when it comes to long-range attacks. 'Zilla's got...let's see...atomic fire breath, eye lasers, and a scream that can shatter glass for several city blocks. One scream and Kong'll be clutching his ears like a Goth at a Hanson concert. Then a short burst of fire to bring monkeyboy to a nice broil, and Godzilla can waltz in and finish tha ape at his own lesiure.
Next we've got the fact that Godzilla has had a far better training regiment going on. Around two dozen movies, in which Godzilla tangles with everything from space monsters to robots to giant bugs. And since he's just finished a new movie for this summer, Godzilla will be sure to be in top form for this match. Now Kong, he hasn't had a flick since the mid-eighties.
Which brings us to the clincher- Kong is doomed to lose because he's under the Curse of Linda Hamilton. It is a well-known fact that no destructive creature can survive for long after being in the same movie with Linda. Even though King Kong Lives was made over ten years ago, the residual effects of the Curse will still be in full swing.
Pam and Godzilla will be having Monkey Chow for dinner.
Four opposable thumbs! How can he possibly lose.
Even if Godzilla /did/ get to the top ahead of him, he wouldn't actually be able to grasp Ms. Lee without popping one of her implants, and silicone is /so/ drying to skin.
- Jenni G.
- Pete "G" Stine
First, consider motivation. We know King Kong's had the hots for human females. Fay Wray may still be around, but she's now 90 years old, and unable to keep up with Kong's desire for Hot Monkey Love (tm). Godzilla, on the other hand, is either a hermaphrodite or has its sexual needs fulfilled off screen (as 1967's "Kaijū shima no kessen: Gojira no musuko" indicates, Godzilla has had a son; with whom, however, remains a mystery.) My bet's that 'Zilla's a hermaphrodite; Godzilla's mate would be awfully difficult to hide for very long.
Fact is, Godzilla doesn't want Pamela. Kong does. Whatever advantages Godzilla has will be nullified by this simple fact. Add onto this that Kong knows the territory intimately, and the outcome is all but assured. Kong parties it up with Pamela, while Godzilla goes and trashes another part of town. That's all that Godzilla's interested in doing, after all.
- James Whitney
Kong is a big fat monkey who relies on sight for everything. Skull Island makes them big, but they sure don't make'em smart. Kong fighting an invisible foe . Granted, a smart super-sized human (your Ultraman, or even that shaman guy from Superfriends, who I remember growing bigger than the planet earth one time) would find some way of fighting in the rain, so G's silhouette is seen in the rain, or throwing hemophiliacs at G, so their blood becomes visible on G's still invisible frame. But Kong hasn't evolved to that point. He's barely evolved to getting thumbs. So it's the G-man. (Sorry to buy Japanese here, but he's the superior product.)
- Kilgore Trout
So one mightly reptilian kick with a Bambi-crushing(tm) foot would leave the big ape writhing on the ground in extreme pain. Worse, I suspect that Godzilla has been watching John Woo flicks during his deep ocean catnaps and will roast KK's nuts with a flame blast as he flies sideways through the air for no apparent reason.
The Kongster's only prayer is that he keeps his manhood intact but gets singed enough to unleash the floodgates of RAGE(tm). Considering that 'Zilla relies more on massive gouts of flame than pinpoint accuracy however, this is unlikely.
'Zilla in under two minutes.
- Chancellor, Province of Chiriatti
Look at the G-beast. He's practically his own military. He's stomped on the Japanese army (which, I agree is no great feat,) crushed the Japanese navy, swatted its airforce, layed waiste to entire cities, not to mention the various mutant battle creatures that have tried to impede on his Trademarked riots. Clearly, Godzilla is ready for anything! Hell, he can fight (army,) he can fly (airforce,) he can walk underwater (navy,) and he can exhale nuclear particle streams. He's a walking Chernoble with an attitude. We should be declaring Godzilla his own mobile militant state bent on human humility.
Then there is KK. He's spent his life running off with the villager's wives. The only opposition he's faced is loinclothed savages chucking flimsy wooden sticks at him. ouch. oooh. pain. Let's face it. He's soft, confused, and incapable of a decent fight. Hell, we saw him lose his composure simply trying to deal with a few fly-boys totin' pea shooters. Besides... after falling off the Empire State Building once, he's likely to have remembered his traumatic experience and lose the edge on self consciousness. (Home court is not neccessarily an advantage here.)
Face it. Without a 20 foot Ray gun and a huge jetpack, King Kong is walking to his funeral.
- JD; firstname.lastname@example.org
- not Lev, certainly not
"Pamela the pretty,"
"We both would smack,"
"Each of the other"
"To get our hands on that rack!"
Pamela ponders options as the opponents peruse her
Each thinking of ways to attempt to amuse her.
"I beat up Charles Barkley,"
"And stepped on Bambi,"
"I've been dubbed in over ten languages,"
"and I've got a new movie!"
King Kong cries,
"Well, I've done none of those,"
"And nothing else more,"
"But if you choose me,"
"I'll be in your porn,"
Pamela's pleasure is pirated and viewed by all,
when it comes on pay-per-view, starting this fall.
- Some Dork
Just from looking at his name, King Kong is obviously a monarch. How have monarchs traditionally justified their right to rule? By claiming the divine right of kings. This means that monkey boy can only justify his power because some god has granted it to him. Now, let us examine the name of his opponent, GODzilla. Obviously, Godzilla established Kong as a vassal ruler, and the primate only rules at the sufferance of the Great Reptile Death God.
Of course kings do occasionally turn against the force that gave them power, but to successfully accomplish this they must be familiar with the diabolical teachings of the great Machiavelli (and I'm not talking about any second rate rapper you philisophical illiterates). Is Kong familiar with the master's teachings??? No, because one of Machiavelli's most important rules is that you never try to take the women of your subjects (see Braveheart for why this rule is important) By going after Pamela Lee, Kong has broken this vital rule, proving that he doesn't understand Machiavelli. Suffice it to say, I'm sure Godzilla will give him a very quick and painful lesson as to why it is important to pay attention in your polisci classes.
- Brendan W. Guy
The Big Lizard Vs. The Big Ape. Wonder what happened to The Big Wolf (from RAMPAGE!) Since this is NOT the slow, clumsy Dino Delautrentis King Kong, but the much more agile ape of the classic, I'm going with KING KONG.
Altho both would be CGI creatures now, Kong was much faster in his flick than the much slower godzilla (who had to have the other monsters waddle into him for him to have any hope of connecting a blow.)
BTW, we are talking about blonde ambition here, and Kong's feelings on that are quite on the record. Godzilla would likely eat Pammy and get cancer from the silicon.
- Monkey Joe
- Longfellow's wench
Thank you for being the virtual Elisha to the Grudge Match's Elijah and taking up their mantle!
As far as this battle goes, one thing needs to taken account of: The Rage (tm). Both have it, having been shot at, bombed, and generally abused by the size-prejudiced populations of NY and Tokyo. I think the Rage Quotient (tm) of the two is about the same, so that's a wash.
As for weaponry, Godzilla is both larger, stronger, and has The Halitosis of Death (tm), as well as those disgusting glowing Stegosaurus-type things on his back. He has shown his ability to absorb artillery shells, missles, various and sundry DeathBeams (tm) from rivals, electricity, and, apparently worst of all, those Japanese Giant Auto Headlight on a Massive Truck Frame with Sizzling Lightning Bolts (tm) things that Tokyo seems to have about two dozen of. Definite advantage over King Kong, who bit it after being shot up by a few biplanes.
One thing King Kong has over Godzilla, though. KK is a mammal, as Ms. Lee definitely is. Godzilla can take or leave mammals, as he has proven by trampling geishas in the big downtown. KK on the other hand has a definite liking for the ladies and Ms. Lee has two Big Ol' Mammal Markers (tm) that even KK can see. He has a reason to fight for her and the radioactive lizard does not. King Kong grabs the bait and hoofs it, leaving Godzilla to take the punishment and loss of face. KK in 10 minutes.
This makes the 40 foot King Kong about the same size, and threat, as a Ken doll would be to the average adult male. Godzilla would reduce him to gorilla pudding in one step, if he even bothered to notice the four story ape.
And that is why King Kong would win. Because the real prize is Pamela. King Kong can actually see her so he will head off to the Empire State Building and climb up after her, this time being smart enough to keep a good grip.
To Godzilla poor little Pamela would be about the same scale as one of those green army men that come in a bucket, and about as much fun if he did notice her anyway.
If Godzilla is going to fall for anyone in New York it will be Lady Liberty or nothing.
- Warren Von
King Kong would and should win this match easily, for three reasons:
1.) Intelligence - If dinosaurs were so smart, they'd still be alive. One little nuclear winter and they're down for the count, paving the way for their superior successors, mammals (i.e. primates). True, one could argue that Godzilla must be intelligent since he has survived all this time, but I would point out that getting trapped at the bottom of the ocean has to require a large amount of stupidity. Being released by a nuclear blast is sheer luck at best. King Kong, on the other hand, is a genius. Remember that in his return in the soap-boxing 70s movie remake, he crushed Charles Grodin under foot. Some people called it gratuitous and disgusting. I call it vision and foresight. If only he had been able to do that in real life, we may have been spared such atrocities as CNBC and Clifford.
2.) The Mosi Tatupi Factor (tm) - WWWF History has shown that the Simpsons are all-powerful in the WWWF Arena. Homer, Bart, Mr. Burns, Groundskeeper Willie: all winners. Thus, links to The Simpsons cannot be ignored. As you surely remember, King Kong was Simpsonified in one of the Halloween Episodes: King Homer. This is a powerful force indeed. Godzilla, however, has been awarded no such treatment. And it's not like the Simpsons are stingy with their parodies. We've seen Simpsonized versions of Dracula, Rush Limbaugh, and Mary Poppins. Heck, we've even seen a 100-ft tall, death- breathing Madame Curie, but yet not so much as a Bart-zookie out of these people. Godzilla's in trouble.
3.) The Project X Factor (tm), aka the Matthew Broderick Transitivity Factor (tm) -- Since this summer's Godzilla movie has yet to be released, we must glean what information we can from the Internet Movie Database. The movie stars Matthew Broderick. Using the Hollywood Summer Blockbuster Plot Formula (tm), this means that Matthew Broderick will defeat Godzilla and get the girl in the end. Let's review that first part again: Matthew Broderick will defeat Godzilla. This is the same Matthew Broderick, who in Project X, repeatedly got his yankie wanked by a bunch of chimps and a fresh-from-her-role-as-the-Quarterback-Princess Helen Hunt. Thus, we can derive the following formula:
King Kong >> chimps > Quarterback Princess > Matthew Broderick > Godzilla
Ergo, King Kong >>> Godzilla.
Godzilla never knew what hit him. And neither will King Kong when two months later the New York Post headline reads "Pamela to Kong: Tommy treated me better".
- Brian (tm)
- Big Sexy Jared Goodrich
- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie
Of Pamela Lee there is no sign, for you see, Godzilla ate her... That was the reason for his coming to New York, for she was the largest source of his newest addiction - Silicone... His need satisfied once again, he returned to the deeps of the ocean, his swath of destruction and death left behind to remind mankind that we are naught to him...
Watch out next year for Godzilla's return! This time he'll be out to satisfy his other hunger - cellulite! Look out Oprah, now that Chris Farley is dead, you're next on the hit list!
- Fistandantilus of Montreal - Officially Sanctioned Crazed Looney(tm)
Pamela will laugh her implants off whenever she sees them naked.
- Jake, Self Proclaimed Ruler of Western Canada.
Nation: What did it take to cow Japan? Nuclear weapons. And Skull Island? Afew alcoholic sailors with rifles. By the way, the Skull Island people arenow worshipping a Mad Dog bottle left behind by one of the sailors, andthey're much happier now, since it doesn't snack on all the cute chicks.
Motivation: Pamela is Godzilla's type, just not the way you think. Years of exposure to Japanese superweapons have altered Godzilla's metabolism slightly, and he now requires a regular dose of silicone to live. He knows for sure that he won't be saying "Hey, where's the silicone filling?" when he's done with Pam. Next on the menu: Brett Butler.
Illegal Intoxication: When did Kong burst on the national scene? In the Thirties, when everyone in Hollywood was smoking enough hemp to make a clothesline that would reach Alpha Centauri. Godzilla is from a far less loose country and he's a child of the 60's, so he Didn't Inhale (tm). Kong's telephone-sized doobie habit will leave him light-headed, giggly, short of breath and ripe for the kill.
Campaign Donation: Even though Kong could dispute the title, much of the Godzilla memorabilia bills him as "King of the Monsters". Also, Godzilla is a major Asian movie star who is known to have ties to the Lippo Group. So clearly, he has made major contributions to the Democratic Natl. Committee, and this is just the time to call in a favor. It will only be a short time before the helicopters show up and turn Kong into a big cleanup on Aisle Six. It's no coincidence that Kong's first 20mm Enema (tm) was during the previous Democratic administration.
All I can say to Kong is: You know where you are? You're in the Jungle,baby. You're gonna diiiiiiee!
- Silverback- Where does a 400lb gorilla sleep? With his wife, the luscious Rambette!
(This would have been ROTW--except the King Kong remake came out during the Ford administration. So close ...)
- Chris Kaiser
- Geoffrey Brent
With a purposeful grimace
and a terrible sound
He kicks King Kong's
ass all around town.
He picks up the Ape
and he throws him back down
as he wades through the buildings
for a night out on the town.
on the balcony
as he looks down on them ;)
King Kong has lost the show
Go Go Godzilla!
Pamela's all aglow
Go Go Godzilla!
The Grudge Match shows
again and again
how TV points out
the folly of men.
- -Eric Klinker
#1 Kong has never appeared on Mytery Science Theater 3000. Big G has tortured Joel and the bots numerous times. Obviously the Mads recognize a talent for inflicting pain. (Behold the power of Cheese!)
#2 Kong has no theme music. Past matches have defined the importance of going to battle with theme music. Godzilla strides into the fray with Blue Oyster Cult wailing, "Oh no! There goes Tokyo! Go, go, Godzilla! Weeeiiiooo!" How can Kong compete!
#3 The power of animation. Godzilla has his own cartoon that appeared first on Saturday mornings and now on the Cartoon Network. Any parent will witness to how their hyperactive-bounce-off-the-wall kids will calm down and stare transfixed at the boob tube for hours when a cartoon is on. What's stronger than that?
#4 Godzilla is a full grown man inside a costume stomping around model cities, destroying them. Kong is a foot tall stop motion animation figure. Kong starts climing up Pamela's leg (who wouldn't?) just as the rubber skinned Godzilla storms out of the observatory level elevator. G stomps over to the screaming Pamela, grabs the chimp and with a Roar(TM) punts him over the saftey rail. After accelerating at 32ft/sec/sec for a short while, Kong learns (again)it's not the fall that kills you, but the sudden stop at the end.
- Robert Lamm
Godzilla: Fire-breathing lizard from under the sea who's turn-ons are toxic waste, nuclear radiation and screaming populations.
King Kong: A big dumb Ape covered in fur who climbs buildings, gets woozy from the smog, snags a chick that's way too small for him and gets shot down by the air force
Round one. King Kong goes for his normal tactic of climbing a building.
Round two: Godzilla starts the building on fire.
Round three: Kong, sickened by the smell of burning fur gets shot down by the air force.
Round four: While Kong falls, Godzilla fries those annoying planes.
Round five: Godzilla roasts the big ape a good one to make sure he's toast.
Round six: Godzilla, overcome by boredom goes to the sea after destroying city blocks in the pattern of "Bring it on, Smaug!"
1. Life Experience
Godzilla has spent his entire life fighting super monsters. He knows the pins. He knows the punchs. He knows the fake falling. Godzilla knows it all.
2. Continuous Winning
Godzilla has won nearly every fight he has been in. Even though Godzilla lost to MechaGodzilla (if you've ever seen MechaGodzilla, you know why), this obviously makes Godzilla the stronger between himself and King Kong. Why, you heretics may ask, why? Because out of all the monsters to pick from in the world did MechaGodzilla fight? Was it Mothra? No, not Mothra. Was it Monster Zero? No, it wasn't Monster Zero. Was it even (GASP) King Kong? Of course not! It was everyone's favorite lizard, Godzilla. King Kong just climbed a building. Oh, that's hard.
3. Title Dictates Authority
Godzilla has two name factors that shall make him the greatest. If you could choose between the names of Godzilla and King Kong, what would you choose? Godzilla. Sure, King Kong may be a king, but that just leads up to my next point. Godzilla is also a king: King of the Monsters. King Kong is just King of the Jungle. 'Nuff said!
King Kong takes the early lead utilizing the biggest advantage afforded him by his primate lineage. No, not the ability to entertain onlookers by playing with his feces, I am talking about opposable thumbs. Able to pick up buses, street lights, and the homeless (I KNEW they'd come in useful someday) Godzilla is stunned.
Then Godzilla does that cute trick where he spins one of his dangly arms clockwise, and the other arm counterclockwise. King Kong starts laughing uncontrollably, and Godzilla takes the opportunity to whip that titanic tail of his into some King Kong Kohones.
King Kong is simultaneously beaten and Bobbitted (tm). Meanwhile, Pamela Lee takes one look at that tail and forgets Tommy Lee's lizard.
And Godzilla becomes only the second green guy (after Kermit the frog) to take Manhattan!
Now, down to business. When one thinks of huge, destructive monsters, one cannot ignore the effect they have on the local economy. Sure, you're probably thinking of the millions of dollars of damage they cause to local buildings, bridges, and celebrity mansions, but what about the money they pump *into* the economy?
It's for this reason that I voted for King Kong. After all, ya gotta buy American, so why not support the American choice of mega-monsters? Sure, those Japanese monsters they import run better (Godzilla), get more miles to the gallon (Mothra), and come with all the latest features (Godzilla). But, just like the automobile industry, the American models are bigger, more powerful, and the parts are easier to replace.
So please, don't put some American monster out of work by supporting the Japanese. Not that it will matter, anyway. I hear King Kong is going to be relocated to Mexico, where he'll work for... (ahem) ...peanuts.
- 1/2 Nelson
Second, mammals are smarter than lizards. All Godzilla knows is frontal assaults. Though the Japanese military can't kill him, they sure do hurt him as is evidenced by the constant screaming. Yet, he always acts surprised everytime he gets blasted when he runs right into the field of fire. Even worse, in Godzilla 1985, big, green and stupid falls for the "watch the flare while we stick a missile in your mouth" trick at least three times in a row. If he had any brains, he would have figured out by now that imitating the French is not the way to go. Kong will use gorilla warfare (which was very successful against the French in Indochina) and wear him down.
Third, Godzilla made the rubber suit gimmick popular. He is therefore directly responsible for the creation and ongoing popularity of two shows that couldn't exist without it: the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and Barney the Purple Dinosaur. For this, he deserves to die. Though this has little to do with hand to hand combat, don't underestimate the power of prayer (you know people will be praying for good to defeat evil) or the ingenuity of eight million New Yorkers inspired by the Rage to steal a fleet of tanker trucks, fill them up with battery acid and dissolve his feet in a suicide attack.
Finally, in a time when many movies have better soundtracks than plots, Kong wins big in the music category. Remember "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown"? Well, he was "badder than old King Kong." And for all you Muppets fans out there, we all know who "made a monkey out of old King Kong." You notice it isn't "badder than old Godzilla"? No! That's because King Kong is the pinnacle of badness, the yardstick by which all ass kickers are defined. It is the equivalent of Mentos Level Coolness. If Godzilla were so tough, there would be more good songs about him. The best known ditty about him is so mediocre, last I checked it wasn't going to be used in the movie. Kong will still be getting major air time on MTV when Godzilla has been long forgotten and fighting for space in the CD discount rack with Vanilla Ice and Hammer.
I think who I voted for is blatantly obvious.
- Paul G.
King Kong - Killed by machineguns
Godzilla - Barely notices heavy artillery
King Kong - Stopped by wooden fences
Godzilla - Electric fences, volcanos, whole cities, No Problem
King Kong - Giant monkey suit highly flammable (G's death breath)
Godzilla - Giant rubber suit provides better padding
The giant monkey is going down.
The Energizer Bunny would have a better chance.
- Trey H
However, KK is a cultural icon in NY, and no doubt remainds many Yorkers of their mothers. Their bitter hearts swayed, a significant fraction of the bystanders (say 1% or so, resulting in 2 million from an average NY street) will side with our simian friend.
Godzilla won't be without allies either. As everyone knows, the sewers of NYC are filled with giant albino alligators, who will rally around their fellow reptile in a desparate attempt to throw off mammal domination. Unfortunately, the GAA are vulnerable to sunlight, and even if the smog offers sufficient protection from that, they aren't a match for the average Yorker either. There's a reason why they stay in the sewers.
Monkey boy in 30 seconds, although the spin-off lawsuits will undoubtedly go on for decades.
And, since this is NYC, here's a small list of the Super Heroes who'll be here to respnd: The Ninja Turtles, Spider-Man, The Fantastic Four...Many, MANY more! It doesn't matter which monster can stomp the other, can they stand against the combined might of the Worlds Greatest Heroes? Even more important, what part will Leonardo DiCaprio get in the movie version?!
- Mr. D
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