An old man steps out of his office, approaches the technician and gazes at the blinking computer screen. "What is it? The T. Rex?"
"Negative, sir. We've had some sort of impact in the acid-resistant Raptor paddock. I'm trying to isolate what occurred."
"Acid-resistant?" Hammond mutters. He turns to an asian man in a lab coat. "Why did we make acid-resistant Raptors?"
"Because we could."
"I told you we shouldn't have ever let those monsters out of the pen," snaps the warden. "Are the barriers still intact?"
"Yes, Wally," replies the technician. "The 50 foot electric fences separating the Raptors from the glow-in-the-dark triceratops and the Chia Mammoths (tm) are still intact." (In the background, Hammond can be heard to mutter, "Chia mammoths??") "In a few seconds I'll have the video working."
Everyone crowds around the screen as the image flickers to life. There, amid the dense vegetation, lies a small battered spacecraft. Through the cockpit glass can be seen the dead pilot, a tall bald woman. (No one there realized, of course, what she had gone through to kill the queen, only to have "The Company" stow worker Aliens on her ship.) Suddenly, there's some motion from a rupture in the ship's hull. A hideous, slimy Alien with two sets of jaws emerges from the ship, followed by another, and then another. Hammond and the others look on in horror as more and more of these things climb out of the ship, acting very nasty. "Looks like we've got twelve of whatever those things are. And they're holed up with twelve of our acid-resistant Raptors."
The sound of a shotgun pump startles the group. "What should we do, Mr. Hammond?" asks the warden, brandishing his favorite weapon.
Hammond looks back at the screen and thinks. "Let's do nothing. No matter what happens, the winner isn't getting out of that paddock, and the video would be one dickens of a seller!"
So, Steve, will a dozen dastardly dinosaurs defeat a dozen dangerous dual-dentured demons?
The Aliens have just been in a traumatic spaceship crash, and are likely to not be at their best today because of it. With little sustenance on the ship, they are bound to be weakened. In addition, like the US in Vietnam, they don't know how to fight in the jungle. They are used to fighting in enclosed places like spaceships, penal colonies, or various corridors and ventilation shafts. And with the raptors' acid resistance, their primary defense is gone. And I don't think that little set of inner jaws is sufficient enough to do any serious damage to the Raptors. The Aliens are akin to the chihuahuas in the classic Rottweiler Match, except they don't have the advantage of numbers this time.
The final nail in the coffin is intelligence. Let's face it; the Aliens are rather stupid. In Aliens the space marines were blowing away Aliens left and right, but the Aliens just kept on coming, head-long into the fire. They don't have the sense to come in out of the rain. The Raptors are quite crafty though. They know how to use teamwork to their advantage, and will trick the Aliens and lure them into ambushes. Result: Raptors in 15 minutes.
BRIAN: Mixed metaphors aside, Steve, let me inject a huge dose of reality into this discussion. First of all, unless Jurassic Park has experienced a time warp and is now 80 million years in the past and contains the appropriate prehistoric ecosystem, there IS no home field advantage. Sure, they may have been there for a few more months than the Aliens, but the Raptors are strangers in a strange place as well, so that's a complete wash.
Second of all, these Aliens have been through so much over the course of four movies that I don't think a minor crash that wasn't even bad enough to shatter the cockpit windshields is going to do them any harm. And as far as sustenance, what evidence do we have that the Aliens even need sustenance? Or are you forgetting how big that Alien in the first movie got without actually eating anything? And speaking of eating, how keen will the Raptors hunting skills be after months of being fed hapless bovines?
Third of all, and most importantly, is that the Aliens are far from dumb. Their perseverance against the space marines is not a sign of stupidity, but a sign of their guts, determination, ability, and overall nastiness. They are, in fact, quite intelligent. Remember, in Aliens it was the Aliens that were thinking 3-dimensionally before the marines were. And in Alien: Resurrection, the head scientist declared that they "learn quickly". Also in A4, the Aliens escaped by spilling the acid blood of one of their own to eat through their cage. "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one." That's Vulcan level thinking. Clearly, these are advanced, albeit violent, creatures.
The Raptors, however, are D-U-M dumb! Aren't these the same animals that were outsmarted by a couple of 8-year-olds? During that kitchen scene, I was reminded of that baby buzzard that went after Bugs Bunny. "Uh-huh, uh-huh, there's that little girl, a-yep, I'm gunna go get her, a-yep..." BANG! "Uh, nope, nope, that wasn't her, nope, nope, just a reflection." Darwinism rears it's ugly head and the dumb species goes down.
STEVE: I'm sorry, but I can't believe you think those Aliens are smart. According to your definitions, a mouse crawling through the ceiling and baseboards is also thinking "three-dimensionally" and is therefore also extremely intelligent. Or even an ant crawling up the side of your house. In addition, I don't remember you personally ever crawling around in the ceiling, doing any of this "three-dimensional" thinking, so I guess you must not be intelligent. Of course, that is evident from your commentary.
Intelligence is learning. The Aliens never learn anything. One hundred of them could die, and the 101st would just walk right into the same line of fire. Now there's intelligence for you. However, the Raptors did learn. They figured out how to kill the worker during the cage transfer. And the Raptor carefully and methodically tracked down where the children had to be. It would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for that meddling T. Rex.
But of course, intelligence is only part of the story. Let's compare the teeth of these two competitors. Sure, the Alien teeth look nasty, but they're really not that big. And if you turn off the faucet on their saliva, there's just nothing there that the Raptors haven't seen before in their adventures in Jurassic Park. And they do survive well in Jurassic park, don't they. On the other hand, the Raptors have these nice long pointy stabbing-like teeth (I warned you! I warned you! But did you listen to me? Noooo....) which will shred apart the Aliens. The Aliens, accustomed to their acidity offering protection, won't be expecting this kind of assault, and will be doomed because of it.
BRIAN: OK, Steve, I'm going to type this slowly so that you can follow it. A mouse crawling through the walls is not a sign of intelligence. But when that mouse drops through the ceiling with 20 of its friends to launch a surprise attack on an unsuspecting yet well equipped and well trained cat, then you've got intelligence. With me here?
And how was there any "figuring" involved in the killing of that worker? Shove, grab, and chomp equals "figuring"?! We're talking about an unsuspecting extra that got eaten here. I once saw my dog successfully track down, kill, and eat a kibble one time. Then he licked his own balls. Is he smart, too, Steve? Besides, how smart is it to pull something like that when the only way out is to get shot? Oh, and then the Raptors "carefully and methodically tracked down" the children. Where'd they go to find them? The desert table! OH! What insight! Quick, someone call Scotland Yard and see if there are any openings!
The Aliens, OTOH, have shown they can learn. As I alluded to above, in A4, an Alien learns very quickly what the red button means, and then later uses it to his advantage. And in Aliens, we see obvious intelligence by the queen's understanding of Ripley's threatening of the eggs, which is followed by advanced communication amongst the beasts. Higher beings, these are.
But that aside, the Aliens are just meaner. Raptors kill to eat and survive. Aliens kill to kill. The Aliens are quicker, they're tougher, and they have opposable thumbs. Plus, the Raptors are pack hunters, i.e. they can only succeed when several of them gang up on one other thing. One-on-one ain't their forte. Heck, they couldn't even beat the kids one-on-one.
Finally, I'd like to go back to the control room. Since Hammond is there, we know that a Blood Sucking Lawyer (tm) can't be too far away. In mere seconds he'll point out that the expendable Raptors are easily replaced, in a variety of colors and flavors. The Aliens, however, are not -- and live extra-terrestrials are the only thing that would be a bigger draw than a live T. Rex. Even if the Raptors put up a good fight, they won't stand a chance once the wardens start firing from the towers.
Current Match |
Related & Similar Matches
History Section | Tell a friend about this match
JURASSIC PARK: Out of a total of ten possible victims, a pathetic 60% of them survive and the Velociraptors managed only to kill two of them. And what impressive victims we have here! First, you have the engineer who has the smoking habit (as we all know, smoking *will* kill you) who goes out into the dinosaur infested jungle ALONE. Then you have a game warden who decided to go out on a hunting trip with his pea shooter ALONE. Heck, those two nitwits were dead as soon as the movie started. Eve n more embarrassing, the velociraptors (and the rest of the dinos) also fail to bag either the Skeptic(tm) or the Frankenstein Monster-Like Creator In An Anti-Technology Morality Story(tm), both of whom were marked men from the beginning. Then to top it all off, they don't even get vanquished by a main character. No wonder they became extinct.
ALIEN: Out of a total of six possible human victims, five die. True, all of the dead fall into the typical stereotypes and the android did help but at least it got the job done. The only blemish is the fact that it allowed Ripley to survive after (1) she goes out ALONE (2) to look for a CAT, (3) PANICS and (4) strips to her UNDERWEAR. This is of course forgiven since she fulfills the Minimum Survivor Quota(tm). On the other hand, if the alien did kill her, it would probably have ripped off her clothes and I had seen enough o f that already. Come to think of it, maybe the Alien committed suicide rather than see her naked. If anything shows intelligence, that would.
So unless those Velociraptors have some JPGs of Sigourney Weaver somewhere, look for twelve exploding chests in a theatre near you.
- Paul Golba
toronto center, number 21, Marcus Camby sets up for the tip-off with the alien center (they all look alike). Though taller and with a better vertical, the alien has poor reaction time. As the ball is thrown up by the officials, rather than jump for it , the alien slowly opens its outer jaws and proceeds to drool over the court. This allows Camby to tip the ball to point guard Damon Stoudamire. The officials call a brief time-out to wipe up the drool on the court. The aliens hiss at each other to set up their defense. Shawn Respert inbounds to Stoudamire who passes to Reggie Slater posting up at the base-line near the lane. Slater then goes for the fall-away jumper scoring two. The alien guarding him misses the block completely, opting instead to d rive his inner jaws deep into the power forward's throat, decapitating him. Blood pumps from Slater's headless body, spreading all over the lane as the officials call a technical foul on the alien and eject him from the game, just before they, too, are s laughtered by the now enraged extraterrestrials. At this point, the remainder of the raptors starters, bench, and even the coaching staff, rush to center court to engage in some unsportsmanlike conduct. Despite being outnumbered, the aliens manage to ho ld their own, killing the entire raptors roster, and cocooning the coaching staff in a saliva resin to await the face hugging alien larvae. Final score, raptors 2, aliens 0. Victory for the raptors. Next week, the aliens take on the san antonio spurs.
[Besides,] the raptors greatest ally is Jurassic park itself. The aliens are visitors here. The very nature of JP is that something goes wrong and the visitors die. Poor, poor aliens.
Bearing this in mind, they probably wouldn't have got on the ship unless they figured they could get something out of it. In which case, they KNOW they're going to win, and I'm not going to argue with someone who's got two mouths (or two sets of teeth, anyway).
Alternatively, ignoring Brian's spoilers, the Aliens DON'T have precognition, and we ignore his comments. In which case, when only reading Steve's comments, the Raptors have the upper hand.
So, the question is, can we ignore the existence of Brian's comments? Well, obviously not, because I've read them. Unless I don't really exist. In which case my vote is irrelevant.
So I haven't voted for anyone - it wouldn't be counted anyway. Uh oh, the giant eyeball is outside my window again...
- Chris Kuan
- Chris Knight
We all know the raptors have at least some intelligence. They get thrust into this totally unknown situation and within an hour and a half they know how to open a door. Our cats have been around for over 14 years and don't even know which side of the door the hinge is on. These raptors are far more intelligent than our cats, so I'm willing to believe they're quite smart.
Now, we also know the aliens are smart. They may also be suicidal and bloodthirsty, but they're not stupid. They melt holes through cages, outsmart marines, etc.
So: We have two races in an enclosure. One has acid, one is acid- resistant, both are smart. Naturally, they both realize whoever wins the battle will be gawked at by visitors until the end of their natural lifespan, so they break out of the area (using the alien acid) and kill everyone on the island. After all, they have been defeated twice before, and we all know third time's a charm.
So now we have the aliens and raptors running around the island, with no way to get to the mainland? Not so! All they need to do is use the Jet-powered Pterodactyls(TM)! (Hammond's ghostly voice, muttering: "Jet-powered pterodactyls?") The raptors' incredible strength will bend them nice platforms out of the Steel Marsh Grass(TM) which will be carried by two dozen pterodactyls, moving all the aliens and raptors over to the mainland. After twenty years of ripping heads off, melting buildings down, and lots of pyrotechnics, the earth is barren aside from flesh-eating acid-resistant monsters and flesh- eating acid-spraying monsters.
It doesn't really matter who wins this battle - whoever wins starves in about 20 years, as all the earth's supply of plant life and food have been destroyed. In a few more centuries the Borg arrive, having recently defeated the ID4 mothership, and take over the earth as their prize. End of story.
Now your typical predator like the raptor would probably attempt a kill by biting the neck. Herein lies the problem. First of all, there's no reason to think that the aliens would be impeded by a bite to the neck. Second, and most profoundly, the aliens have an armored exoskeleton, and the raptors don't. This means that even if a raptor was able to ambush an alien, he'd be incapable of delivering a death blow with its killing organ, teeth. The aliens, on the other hand, have not just very sharp teeth, but FORWARD PIERCING jaws. This unique adaptation allows them to bite and impale their prey at the same time, ensuring maximum destructive power no matter what the adversary. We've also seen some evidence in A4 that the aliens don't just simply maul their prey, they aim for the softest and most vital tissues (heart and lungs).
Given this assesment, I say the Aliens will trounce the raptors in no time.
But then, I remembered one over-riding fact. The raptors hunt in packs, while the aliens, as we all know, can only kill people ONE AT AT TIME. So while the aliens find themselves some nice dark hidey-hole to slime into a resemblence to their home land and wait for the raptors to wander off alone to "check out some noise", the raptors will work together and polish off the aliens one by one.
- Do mess with Texas, see if I care
- TV's Colin
Oh, and film it so it'll end up on MST3K, where it belongs.
- Call me Shane
Plus, the raptors would be written by Michael Chriton and would therefore have some major plot contrivances on their side, while the Aliens would be directed by some French guy they couldn't understand and would bump around in Ridley Scott's smoke and Dav id Fincher's dark lighting.
"The Lost World" showed us that Raptors are easily outmanuevered by two scientists and a little girl. It showed us that Raptors let people have time to make a plan, even though they're staring at each other from a distance of three feet. It showed us that Raptors actually prefer lucky backpacks to real live prey, to the point of ripping up the backpack and letting the prey escape. It showed us that a little girl weighing all of eighty pounds (who got cut from the school gymnastics team) can knock the stuffing out of a Raptor with the aid of some uneven bars. Repetitive? Sure. Exhaustive? Hardly. Whatever reputation the Raptors may have earned from "Jurassic Park" as grade-A badasses was thoroughly squandered in that turd of a sequel. In case it's not obvious yet, the Aliens were killed by trained marines with guns. Big ones. The Raptors got their butts handed to them by scientists and little kids. I think the outcome of this one is pretty obvious.
- Dwayne Bandy
And the raptors will let them. They may or may not be hungry, but the Aliens won't exactly make their stomachs grumble, "acid resistance" or not. The Aliens, for their part, are smart enough to size up the situation and realize that there's no reason to fight the raptors when there's a whole island of presumptuous humans ready to serve as hosts for the Queen.
The Unduly Sophisticated Base Computer (TM), will be unable to figure out whether to crash or assume godlike infallability (as raptors and Aliens respectively inspire computers to do) and will therefore compromise by opening all the gates, in order to usher in its new reign as the new Mad Dictator of the Island(TM), the Queen of Hearts.
If there is indeed a fight between these two sets of creatures, it will be over who gets to eat the last of the strawberry mousse, and whether Hammond himself will serve as an incubator or the world's biggest capon.
- Delbert P. Sweeney
Biological factors: First off, who says the Aliens are only used to fighting in shafts and the like? They didn't BUILD the space stations, they adapted to them. But unless their natural habitat is the steam tunnels underneath the university, they know how to fight out in the wild. Secondly, *look* at the Aliens. They are encased in a armored exoskeleton. They are covered with spines and horns and other spikey what-nots. They have a nasty tail to stab you with. Any raptor jumping on an Alien to attack it will suffer the same fate as throwing an alligator skin handbag full of rocks onto a bed of nails.
The raptors were intelligent enough to figure out how to open doors and systematically test a 10,000 volt electric fence (how intelligent is that?).
The aliens were intelligent enough to figure out how to cut the power and get past the motion sensing guns in aliens.
Raptors: Capable of going cheetah speed out in the open.
Aliens: No one has even lived long enough to clock them.
Raptors: Can tear through a chain link fence.
Aliens: Can smash through a six inch thick solid steel door.
Aliens: Can wipe out a platoon of well armed, well trained Marines.
Raptors: Can kill a group of panicked hunters, but not two defenseless little kids.
Raptors have sharp teeth and a wicked six inch claw with which they can tear through the thick hide of a dinosaur.
Aliens also have claws not to mention a double jawed mouth (which probably wouldn't do a whole lot of good). But most importantly, the aliens have a nasty scythe-like tail that will make the raptors evolve into chickens with a speed that would make Darwin proud.
Since the raptors have a better knowlegde of the terrain they will probably get the first kill. However, the raptors will be so busy chowing down on the unlucky alien that the other aliens will have plenty of time to surround the raptors and attack, resulting in the death of 2-3 raptors. A general melee would then ensue in which both sides would try to out-shriek the other. The raptors, having been bored to death in their cages will want to draw the contest out as long as possible, much to their disadvantage. The aliens simply want to kill everything and soon will be successful in doing so. The aliens will emerge victorious and then will procede to get out of the cage and kill everything else on the island.
ONE ON ONE VS MAN
RAPTORS:They disable the human and begin to eat him before they die.
ALIENS: If a queen is nearby, they will cocoon the human. If no queen is present, they will tear the human to shreads and leave them on the floor as a pile of goop(tm).
THE VICTOR: TIE
ONE ON ONE VS WOMEN AND CHILDREN
RAPTORS: Useless. They are unable to harm women and children. It is against all Spielberg principles.
ALIENS: They destroyed an entire colony, women and children included.
THE VICTOR: ALIENS
ONE VS A GROUP OF ARMED HUMANS
RAPTORS: Somehow have the ability to confuse humans into not using their weapons. Wouldn't want the Raptors to get hurt now would we?
ALIENS: They aren't afraid of them, but they should be. Most of them get slaughtered before the humans run out of ammo. But you gotta give'em credit for being persistent.
THE VICTOR: RAPTORS
ONE VS A GROUP OF UNARMED HUMANS
RAPTORS: The Humans will confuse the lone Raptor who will spin around in circles and eventually collapse of exhaustion trying to follow the sound of all the people banging sticks against whatever they can find.
ALIENS: Let's face it. An Alien by himself becomes very cunning. Aliens have shown us on numerous occasions how amazing they are at ambushing lone humans straying from the group, and cutting them down (slowly) to nothing. Pure evil.
THE VICTOR: ALIENS
CONCLUSION:As long as the raptors don't obtain advanced weaponry, the aliens will force the raptors in extinction once again. Likely, the raptors will try to lure the aliens into the open by placing a lone raptor in the centre of a group of hiding raptors. Unfortunately, the aliens will already be waiting in the raptor hiding places and will swarm in on the lone one after remov ing his buddies.
- Darren (from the B5 vs DS9 match)
ALIENS: can survive in a vaccuum for a really long time, as well as repeated hits from an M-41A Pulse Rifle and still shred you to bite sized niblets. Almost impossible to stun with a stick.
RAPTORS: not vaccuum resistant, can't take more than one shotgun blast at close range, and they have to get close enough to use those funky foot claw thingies. If you brain 'em, the are stunned.
ALIENS: OPPOSABLE THUMBS! Yep, that thing that makes us the top of the food chain is also on the Aliens. God help us if they ever figure out how to use an M-41A Pulse Rifle. Claws on their hands AND feet, as well as a wicked spear-type tail. Range: 8ft.
RAPTORS: just them claws and choppers. Range: 2 ft.
ALIENS: Only in the Hive where they can hid in the walls, but still, it's damned effective.
RAPTORS: Natural camouflage makes them invisible in natural surroundings. Tough stuff to see in the woods. They got the Aliens there.
ALIENS: Bred to be hunted by the most efficient of hunters: the PREDATORS! They are bred to hunt and to kill. Nothing else. Just the mindless urge to shred something into little tiny pieces. "It's structural perfection is matched only by it's hostility"
RAPTORS: Just hunters, they may have hunted for sport, but this is an unconfirmed rumour. Yeah, sure, the may be mean-LOOKING, but that doesn't mean that they really are.
There, you can see that the advantage is definitely the Aliens, and it really is no contest. While the Raptors are casting for a scent, the Aliens launch a trap from the trees, and adios muchachos.
Nevermind the fact that the Raptors have "The Clout" (as in Box Office), the Aliens have "The Rage" after having been hunted for countless years by the Predators, so this looks like a slightly lop sided match up here. Aliens in as much time as it takes for someone not to hear you scream in space.
Besides, that whole argument about intelligence of the raptors is open to question. Doesn't inbreeding have to factor in somewhere when you breed a bunch of dinos from the same DNA, let them switch sexes, and then have them reproduce (read the book, if you haven't already)? I say it's a wonder those raptors are even walking straight!
The aliens, on the other hand, are the perfect killing machines. They
do it not because they're hungry or protecting themselves. They do
it because they like to kill! And they're not picky about who they
kill...I mean, they could have just spit on the glass a couple of
times with their acid spittle to get free in Alien 4, but noooo, they
The raptors don't stand a chance when faced with the kind of ruthlessness, efficiency, and job-satisfaction that the aliens possess.
Once the battle is over Hammond makes a tidy profit selling the video to Fox executives. It makes the top ten in the Nielsons for the week as a special presentation of: When Aliens and Raptors Attack! This leads into a very touching episode of Party of Five where tragedy strikes once again. They try to cope with not being able to access the current Grudge Match after their computer crashes.
- Chris Maune
The Aliens have an advantage that few take into account. After watching all 4 Alien movies numerous times, I've concluded that the bulk of an Alien's cranial space is devoted to their over-developed salivary glands. These guys spew spit like a fire hose! It is yet to be seen whether this could be used as an offensive capability in battle. However, if the Aliens and Raptors are fighting in an enclosed space, it's going to fill up with Alien slobber really fast. And as Alien Resurrection taught us, Aliens can swim faster than Richard Dreyfuss fleeing a battered shark cage.
A total bloodbath. Raptor pieces everywhere. Only Turok is a better dinosaur hunter than the Aliens.
- Gaines Redd
Now, a raptor may be able to tear right through a fleshy extra or a blood-sucking lawyer in record time, but if you pit that thing against a Hoover upright or a Dirt Devil with teeth, and then you give the little sucker a nasty mean streak and legs, you'll see how much good those little sickle claws and piercy teeth things do.
Besides, a raptor is a no-substance computer animation. Real Aliens, however, are all too solid, marionettes or not. A raptor couldn't do all that much to Pinocchio, come to think of it.
- Jason/Psyko/Billy the Squid
- SoupIsGood Food
It would seem that the raptors are good at naturally selecting their prey to evolve more fitfully, where as the aliens are good at wiping out ALL the other animals they encounter. Anyone remember the SIZE of the thing that died in the ship investigated in Alien where the face huggers are introduced? This giant thing is dead at a console in its ship with a hole in its chest cavity. IT WAS A BIG FELLA. BIG FELLAS FALL TO THE ALIENS TOO.
- Daryl Devil
- Chris Behrens, aka The Great Bear
For you to even suggest that the Xenomorphs could face a serious challenge in the Velociraptors--much less risk defeat--shows a total lack of respect for my published work, my many speeches, and my programming which instructed me to kill all of the other crew members of the Nostromo for the sake of securing a Xenomorph warrior for use as an unstoppable biological weapon.
As a highly sophisticated super-intelligent robot designed in the distant future, I have extensive files relating to every aspect of Earth biology and the potential threat posed by all its various organisms; and since the whole "Jurassic Park" escapade took place in what is my past, I have long studied the combat prowess of these genetically-reconstituted Velociraptors.
It was with that in mind that I made my final assessment on the Xenomorphs (or as you so crassly call them, the "Aliens"). To repeat, they are "a perfect organism". Since they are perfect, it follows that the Velociraptors are inferior. I much regret that you chose to ignore all my hard work.
Ash's disembodied head
- Matthias H. Lacine
24 irate creatures: 1
Cocky humans: 0
- Longfellow's wench
The only other weapon the raptors have is the formidable back claw. Those things are wicked. However, they are made for attacking either very large creatures or creatures you can gut. Since the Aliens kinda hunch forward, a raptor would have to g et well within the reach of the Alien's hands (with nifty opposable thumbs) and his jaws in order to be able to use the disembowling kick. And, again, I think the exoskeleton would play a major part. Do the Aliens even have guts? If they do, why assume they would be in the same place as earthling guts? I mean, these are aliens. There's a chance that where the Raptors are aiming is not a vital organ at all, but something pithy. Maybe even just an empty body cavity. We don't really know.
1. The Raptors- As a paleontology stud (tm), I can tell you that most of the force-of-nature-carelessly-unleashed-by-stupid-geneticists badassedness of these deinonycheroids is largely Speilbergian(tm) in origin. They were fast, they had big lawyer-evicerating claws and they had a bigger brain/body ratio than a chicken. Big whoop. My guinea pig has a bigger brain/body ratio than any raptor, and he just sits there like an overfed bratwurst! Yet we are made to believe that they can learn from experience as quickly as a human, figure out simple machines like doorknobs, and perform moderate-level calculus just to get two scrawny kids!
2. The aliens- this is a fictional race of beings birthed in the id/superego conflict of a deeply disturbed German artist. ("now ist the time in Shprockets when big penis-head aliens kom und lay eggs in our intestines"). They seem to be silicon-based, require no oxygen or any other gas to survive (you'll recall the scene in aliens where the queen hung on to the outside of the spaceship, unconcerned, for twelve hours or so), and their most fundamental body fluids vaporize most anything on the periodic table, like spaceship titanium-based floor hull.
I don't care how 'acid resistant' the raptors are. A mortal terrestrial organism cannot defeat the personified castration anxiety of H.R. Geiger. The raptors may take out one or two, but in the end, the grinning-phallus crew will be calmly pondering how to chew through the barrier.
The Raptors OTOH like any dinosaur can't even stand a small meteor impact. Remember that tiny mammals later de-evolved to beings wasting their time with sci-fi movies and Grudge Matches could do that job. Furthermore that bunch of featherless birdies cannot breed by themselves, they need a testtube and a white-coat cladded descendant of the above mentioned meteor-disaster-survivors for that.
And besides all that, if the fight lasts for more than a few hours, the Raptors simply die of a lack of Lysine.
Conclusion: Aliens beat Raptors by 12:0
- Andreas 'Toni' Mang
- 1/2 Nelson
but, such an analysis would ignore the NIGH COSMIC FORCES SET INTO PLAY with meat-eating predator dinos vs. acid-blooded alien nasties intent on parasiticly breeding with man near the crash site of a wrecked spacecraft...
The opening fury is complete, two aliens lie disembowled mixed with the corpse of one raptor. The raptors move as 11 bodies with a single territorial mind, the aliens move like a 10 bodied killing machine, a vital-circulatory-fluid spilling confrontation seems imminent, when, from the wreakage comes the squeek of moving plastic hatches, and, with fumes of the various fused bits of the Freem drive rising from his body... SPACEMAN SPIFF STEPS FORTH!!!!
Smoothing drawing twin atomic blasters from his undershorts, Spaceman Spiff reduces both sides to fumes rising from craters in true John Woo fashion! Just another mind boggling adventure for Spaceman Spiff... (Who is later captured by Mulder and Scully ("All these crashes, this is about colonization, isn't it!"))
Nay, you have to look to two simple advantages for the Aliens. The raptors have nasty teeth and fangs.. so do the Aliens. The raptors have huge amounts of strength and a big tail.. so do the Aliens. What *don't* the raptors have? Two things. 1) Gallons upon gallons of saliva; and 2) Arms. Oh sure, the raptors have spindly little useless arms. But, I couldn't help the mental comparisons during the kitchen scenes.. arms all flopping lookin' around like Corky from Life Goes On searching for a snack. The saliva and no useful arms are a deadly combination. As the raptors slip and slide around helplessly in the puddles and ponds of Alien spit, those Corky-lookin', can't open a simple door, prehensile arms are of no help in getting the raptors back to their feet. Consider for a moment your favorite Godzilla movie, and the times when Godz was knocked to the turf, and how much of a dork he looked trying to regain his footing.. and that's with five times more arm! I rest my case..
Raptors all fall down like a neighborhood fulla children on a Slip'N'Slide on a hot summer day... Aliens pounce on helpless Raptors and kill them at their leisure.
- Rob Souza in Phoenix, AZ
Of course, the raptors see their buddy get wasted. The big one
stops and honks, "Shit! (That's right, she actually stops and honks,
"Shit!") It's some kind of predatory Super-Cow!" And, in true raptor
fashion, they sneak over there and quietly close the door. Since it
is a universal law that an Alien cannot just come through a door (its
entrance must come suddenly and violently), in true Alien fashion two
of them kill one of the other ones and spray acid all over the front
glass of the spaceship, which eats it away, allowing the rest to
Aliens: 11 Raptors: 11
So two of the snarling Aliens jump out, jaws dripping slime. They
spot a Raptor. The Raptor stares right back at them. Then the attack
comes, not from the front, but from the side, because you see,
Velociraptor is a pack hunter. The two aliens get ripped to shreds.
The ones still in the ship become scared, because the raptors were
supposed to melt from the acid, but it doesn't happen. They're acid
Aliens: 9 Raptors: 11
The Aliens freak out, bust out of the top of the ship and run like
a lottery winner from insurance agents. However, two more of them
get pulled down in the escape and the raptors tear into them.
Aliens: 7 Raptors: 11
The Aliens run until they hit the electric fence. One of them gets
fried by 50,000 Volts as it slams into the current. The other six
turn around, and see the raptors coming for them. Just then, in
true Jurassic Park fashion, the electricity goes out and the fences
shut down. The Aliens escape to the compound. Now they are in their
element! The raptors chase them into the facility and become easy
prey. The Aliens know how to sneak through hallways and ventilation
shafts, tearing their victims to shreds. Ten raptors and all the
human extras go down in a bloodbath. Only the big one survives the
Aliens: 7 Raptors: 1
The big one rushes out into the shed on the other side of the compound, looking for an escape route. Inside she finds Hammond and Ian Malcolm, the only two survivors. She looks at Dr. Malcolm and in a snarling voice says:
"I think we should blast off and nuke the site from orbit. It's the
only way to be sure."
"Why did you breed talking acid-resistant velociraptors?"
Hammond replies, "Because we could. But listen, there are millions of dollars worth of investment here, we can't just nuke it."
"I believe Dr. Malcolm should be the judge of that. (snarl)"
"We're gonna blast off and nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Aliens: 0 Raptors: 1
- Some Dork
Also note that the Raptors have little experience in fighting against another Team (that's NOT running and screaming in terror), whereas the Aliens have been fighting in groups AGAINST other groups, and have the tactical experience.
Also consider the weapons: Raptors have two, toe hook and mouth, both close range weapons (I'm not counting bad breath). The Aliens have long arms, sharp powerful hind legs, and a nasty whip like tail with a huge knife thing on the end of it, giving them an advantage in claw-to-claw combat (close and medium range). In short , the Aliens have a distinct reach advantage.It would be like Stretch Armstrong vs. the "Boxing Helena" chick.
Finally, the Aliens have exoskeletons, which are VERY hard, much more so than the hide of any lizard. Additionally, they are overall larger, and as with any exoskeleton equiped bug, stonger on a per-pound basis. You've heard the addage that if an ant were our size, it could carry a jet aircraft in it's mouth.
Therefore: Hammond would end up with a great video in one hand and an embryo in his gut.
- Scott Gill
I gotta go with the raptors here for the same reason I went with those charming chihuahuas (spelling not included) - razor sharp teeth. And although the link to the mexican dog fight didn't work, the immortal words of Dr. Bob Hypodermic were too convincing to ignore.
- A ghost of the 305 Club
First comes the CARNAGE, then comes the LUNCH,
Then comes the RAPTORS, smiling like the Brady BUNCH!
Aliens, schmaliens, can't beat the pack!
Steve is right: Brian don't know jack.
So gimme an R!
Gimme an A!
Gimme a P - T - O!
Gimme an R!
Gimme a ROAR! Gimme a ROAR! ROAR!!!! ROAR!!!!
RAPTOR! RAPTOR! RAPTOR!
- Carnivorous Cheerleaders With Disemboweling Talons of Desire
Aliens in 5 minutes, with 8 casualties.
- Datsun Q. Wanderer
Before the battle royale, we took care to spread a tear-resistant tarp on the living room floor and then filled our favorite inflatable pool with lime Jell-O(tm), to simulate the green foilage of the Jurassic Park(tm) refuge. I'm sure you can imagine how well Sweetums' heaving bosom and sculpted buttocks blended in that environment. I had to look closely to find her sometimes, her camouflage was so impressive. After the requisite hissing and name-calling, Sweetums and Yummy Nuggets came out of their corners to battle. At first, the women circled each other warily, testing each other's strengths with feints and half-hearted grips. But in a blur of motion, Yummy Nuggets dove for Sweetums' right ankle and pulled her off balance.
Whoa! You can't imagine how perturbed that made my favorite li'l raptor. She sputtered something rude while clearing her mouth of lime sludge, then struggled to get out from under Yummy Nuggets's vise-like Thighs of Death(tm) -- my girlfriend had taken advantage of Sweetums' surprise and straddled her tummy immediately, pinning her wrists to the mat. The match looked to be over before it started, and the alien's nipples hardened noticably under her wetsuit with the thrill of an easy victory.
But Sweetums' has never been one to work only with her hands. In a surprisingly agile move, she flung her legs up behind the slimy alien's back and locked her ankles around her neck. A quick pull back, and the tables were turned.
I'm sure I don't need to elaborate on every little detail of the Jell-O battle here -- it involves a lot of sliding and rubbing and scantily clad nubile female bodies and violence, something I'm sure you see every day. Suffice to say, though, that while Yummy Nuggets did indeed land the first blow, and even though Sweetums' ample breasts were set loose when her top was ripped away (which we agreed simulated a potentially life-threatening injury to the raptor), my Mean Green Machine of Love came out on top. Yes, the "home court advantage" does pay off in the end.
We eagerly look forward to your next match. I strongly suggest "Ginger vs. MaryAnn in the Lagoon of Lust" as they fight over the Professor and his coconut-powered, vibrating banana machine.
- Bruce O'Brien
- Ben Binford
If you liked this match, check out these other past
Godzilla v. King Kong
Ewoks v. Gremlins
Tarzan v. Aquaman
Awards | Commentators | Real Life | Fun Stuff | Studio Store
© 1998, WWWF Grudge Match; © 2000, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC