Governor's Ranch, Maple Grove, Minnesota
Governor Ventura sits watching his son Tyrell play video games alternating between Nintendo and SEGA.
With a smirk and an extra long drag on his cigar, the lame duck governor leans back on his couch and plots his next big plan.
Days later, the Minnesota Secretary of State, Mary Kiffmeyer, holds a press conference:
SoS: As per Governor Ventura's proclamation, these are the rules for the 2002 Minnesota Gubernatorial election:
Reporter: What are the seven special interest groups?
SoS: The Minnesota Chapters of the NRA, PETA, Chamber of Commerce, Minnesota AARP, and the Sierra Club. Plus, the Education Minnesota teacher's union and Minnesota Citizens Concerned for Life anti-abortion organization.
Reporter: Is the governor's plan actually legal or constitutional?
SoS: I wouldn't think so, but with Florida in 2000 and this year in New Jersey, who's to say?
Two candidates highlight themselves, enter the race, and start their campaigns.
The first candidate, named Mario, is a mustachioed man of Italian descent wearing a big hat with an "M" on the front. The second, going by Sonic, is an upright-walking blue hedgehog with white gloves.
So, Joe, which candidate will bounce, jump, and spin its way into Minnesota's leadership?
JOE: I think Mr. The Hedgehog is going to win this one. Video Game Rule #12 states that "Mini-bosses Get Harder As You Go". Therefore, the contestants will try to do the easiest ones first. For Sonic, these will be PETA ("Hi, I'm an Animal, Gimme your GEM") and the Sierra Club ("Hi, I'm an Animal, Gimme your GEM").
Sonic will also send out his friends to help. Amy Rose will go have some girl-talk with the Pro-Lifers while Tails and Knuckles head out to the Retirement Village and play Denture-keep-away with the AARP members until they get all dizzy and hand over their GEM. Sonic will wrap up his "campaigning" by starting a riot at the school and stealing the Educators GEM during the ensuing melee.
Using his speed and his friends, Sonic will be able to capture a majority of the GEMs before Mario even gets out of the sewer. However, if Mario is able to snag the NRA GEM and the Chamber of Commerce GEM before our hedgehog hero is finished, Sonic will just have to show the chubby little plumber who's boss. The majority of Sonic's attacks seem to revolve around finding a slow moving target and using his incredible speed to hit it really, really hard.
And Mario is nothing but a slow-moving target...
MARK: First things first: B-A-B-B-Up-Left-A. There! Using the GrudgeGameGenie, I've made Mario invincible. Now, Right-A-B-Up-B-A-Right. I've turned Sonic into a French Apple Pie (low fat). Now that we've set the match specifications, let's get back to the commentary.
You mentioned targets and, I have to ask, isn't Sonic one? NRA members aren't all locked in a room, you know. Minnesota is chock full of gun-totin' gun-toters. Heck, Minnesotans don't even need guns. They hunt deer with pickup trucks. (*thud* "Whoo-hooo! Dinner!") Then Sonic would have to deal with the Chamber of Commerce--who would be glad to sell hedgehog traps to farmers who see hedgehogs as a destructive nuisance. Sonic wouldn't last too long with the AARP, either, if there is an exterminator in the phone book. (I checked ... there is.)
There is no place for Sonic to turn. He will have to be in hiding most of the time. Unless there is something to the Al Gore School of Political Advancement, I don't see how long stretches in hiding are going to help his cause. And I don't even see where Sonic would SURVIVE meetings with the special-interest groups much less collect the GEMs.
And, not so fast with the ol' PETA GEM there, skippy. Since you've enacted the old Grudge Match buddy system, Yoshi can help Mario. Yoshi is not only an animal, but also a dinosaur. PETA and the Sierra Club couldn't pass up supporting a nearly extinct animal. Plus, as we've all been told, animal-rights activists only like the cute animals and hedgehogs are ugly. Yoshi is downright adorable. He's got the GEM in the bag, whereas Sonic is just going to get bagged.
Moreover, the speed you mention is, in this case, overrated. Sonic may be fast, but Mario has great aim. He's stomped on bullets, cannon balls, and flying critters of all sorts--often while dodging leaping lava. One little hedgehog will be short work for Mario's work boots.
Maybe it will be a street, a tree, or the bottom of Mario's boot; I don't know. But this match ends with Sonic being scraped off of something.
JOE: First of all, any real gamer knows that the best cheat code ever is Up-Up-Down-Down-Left-Right- Left-Right-B-A-Select-Start. In the case of the Grudge Match, this code turns on "Jihad Mode" in which an underground group of militant lunatics skews the match into the contestant's favor.
Secondly, for pick-up driving Minnesota hicks, everything is a target... Mario is no better off here than Sonic. In fact, he's a little worse off because Sonic can get out of the way faster. Giving the farmers hedgehog traps may result in a rash of severed hands (and other body parts) but it will have little effect on Sonic, whose adventures seem to revolve around avoiding traps of all kinds.
Sonic will get the PETA GEM by using his "overrated" speed to get there first. Yoshi may be cute, but he's damn slow, and PETA will have handed off the GEM several days before Yoshi walks in the door. PETA would never support anyone campaigning for Mario, anyway. Mario is a plumber who hangs out in the sewers and is therefore an icon of the toxic-waste dumping corporations that are destroying the environment where the PETA-protected animals live.
Lastly, Mario doesn't have great aim. The only bullets he's ever stepped on are floating lazily through the air. A psychotic, charging hedgehog with a top speed of 439 KPH is a little more than poor Mario can handle.
MARK: Dude, we all know there is no Jihad mode.
More importantly, PETA has an issue with the use of sewer systems? I did not know that. I know PETA is vocal against a lot of things, but poop? That stinks!
Along with that amazing revelation about PETA, you suggest that Minnesotan drivers will hit anything and Minnesotan farmers can't handle animal traps without maiming themselves? Where are you getting this stuff? I bow to your efforts to gain knowledge of computer games, but don't you think you could move away from the computer screen to experience reality or get some natural light for a change? Go outside and read a book, or a newspaper, or even a Bazooka Joe wrapper. You're turning a fluorescent pale green, man!
Yes, I know we're all supposed to believe that Sonic's spinning really fast is the same as Sonic having great speed. Mario has a bit of speed, too, as he has his kart. Plus, as demonstrated by the game, anytime you run down something in a Mariokart, you automatically acquire the possessions of that which you ran down. If Sonic were to somehow gain a GEM or two, Mario would get them when he ran Sonic down.
Which reminds me of my favorite Haiku (written by David Oberpriller):
Lifeless and flattenedThis match ends with a blue splotch on the road and Mario as governor.
Welcome to Minnesota!
Thanks to the many people that suggested this match.
TED BAXTER: Hello, Minnesotans, and welcome to "Post-election Punditry." Take off glasses, look concerned. My first guest is electoral analyst Jumpman, who will explain the reasons behind Sonic's stunning victory.
JUMPMAN: I think we can all agree that Mario failed to provide a clear alternative to Sonic's policies. Sonic advocated a simple, comprehensible platform of zapping bad guys. Mario expressed doubts about Sonic's policy, on the basis that Wario might not be a real threat to national security. But then he lost his nerve and voted to zap bad guys. If he'd had the courage to stand in clear opposition to Sonic's hawkish policies, Mario might have won.
TED: So you're saying that Mario could have won by advocating the exact opposite of the policies that people actually voted for?
JUMPMAN: Exactly. It's like taxes. I vote for the politician who promises to eliminate all taxes, or the politician who promises to tax everything 100% and boil people in oil when they don't pay. Nothing in between will do, am I right? AM I RIGHT?
TED: Uh, thank you for that, Jumpman, and good luck with that flower-eating problem. Now let's turn to our senior political commentator, that Commodore 64 Clown who popped balloons.
CLOWN: Are you people out there NUTS? You picked a #$!*@-ing HEDGEHOG! We're in for four years of PORCUPINE-BARREL POLITICS! And now we're going to spend billions of dollars on nuking PlayStation headquarters and cutting billions of dollars in programs to help the poorest, graphically-challenged games! Oh, you -- you make me sick! Democracy sucks! I'm moving to Paraguay!
TED: Ha-ha-ha. Thanks, Clownie. Hope you get back on the wagon soon. For WJM and our new lord and master Sonic, this is Ted Baxter saying goodnight.
- Captain Corcoran
All I know is that in Mario 64 after all my trouble to rescue that pesky princess, who had been kidnapped for the 20th time it seems, she told me she was going to bake me a cake. A cake! I risked life and limb and all I got was a freakin' cake?!?! Sonic wins out of pure disgust for all things Mario.
- .30-06 (a cake???)
In Mario games, Mario stomps on people and then takes their coins. Sounds to me like he already has political experience, which will give him the edge he needs to beat Sonic.
- king rex the first
Sonic is a small furry animal. Do you know what happens to small furry animals in Minnesota? If they're not shot by some maniacal hunter (see my dad), run over by some moron who can't drive (see my dad), mangled in lawn mowers (see my dad) or eaten by something (see my dad), then they have a 50/50 chance of living til tomorrow.
And you wonder why PETA and other animal rights groups hate my lovely state.
- King Forrest III
unfortually, unlike most of you, my childhood developement was lacking in video gaming. so know, whenever my roommates and me play any games together, i useally get my ass handed to me, unless we are playing tekken 3, where mashing buttons somehow works for me... anyway, just really bitter about both of these two. so, i'm going to start a write in campain for Pac-Man. besides, the way this match is set up more like a roll playing game to me. shouldnt there be a third party involved in this set-up? from like final fantacy?? besides, pac-man aready has his first lady. married guys do better in campaines cause they have the eyecandy up there to *hehehe* press the flesh. and princess isnt going to help in a campaine, cause she's royalty and thats not going to help win the hearts and minds of those minnasotans who still think that the british are going to be invading soon.
- BIGMRG74 *vote Pac-Man in 2002*
I'm 16 years old. Suffice to say, I've been an avid fan of both Sonic and Mario since as long as I can remember. That said, Sonic has this made. Just look at the facts.
Accomplishments (as characters, not marketing icons):
Likely running mates:
Some more obscure reasons:
All that and this undeniable fact: Mario is not an American Citizen, he's Italian. He will not be allowed to run, making Sonic the Governer by default. SE-GA!
- Mike Brzeski, professional gamer
I'm an election law consultant and father of a seven-year-old Nintendo addict, so I could give you a definitive answer based on my Ph.D. or the expert opinion of my son, Little Stones. Instead, I'll cut right to the chase:
The Simple Logic Perspective: Two Italian Plumbers versus a hedge-hog? This sounds like my Kentucky upbringing, hunting with my Dad and his union buddies. And we never got beat by a goddamn hedge-hog.
If I'm gonna get an ROTWTM award this week, could I please have a Bronze-Medal GrudgieTM to go with my Gold Medal GrudgieTM, Silver Medal GrudgieTM, Final WordTM, and my "The Not Necessarily the Best Response But Had Me Chuckling Over the Drysdale Reference"TM Award? Then my wife will quit nagging me about playing this game.
- Dr. Stones
I'd give this match to Mario, but he's a plumber. He'll show up a week after the match, do nothing but look under your sink, and demand $50.
There is a surprise third party canidate. and the Winner is a pinball machine. Why you ask? Because a few reasons One Old folks always vote in record numbers (fact and from a SImpson's episode) Two old people would not know what a MArio or a Sonic is. They therefore vote for the only recongizable thing on the balott. therefore the Winner is a pinball machine with a JUkebox as leiutenant gov.
- Cats rule dogs drool,
So Sayeth The Reverend
"And is is written that 'setteth a speed limit upon the contestants of the red one's top speed and then thou shalt have a fair match.' And the Book of The Grudge is NEVER wrong, brothers and sisters. For Sonic shalt be back to the Gubinotorial Mansion before one can say 'itsa me, that fat stupida sterotyp-eh.' But lets, for a moment brothers and sisters, say it should cometh down to each lobbying orginazation. And in a nonviolent mannerism...
NRA- Italians usually vote democratic (based on personal expirence)- Sonic
PETA-Sonic is a cute critter. Mario stomps cute critters-Sonic
Chamber of Commerce-Mario fixes their toilets-Mario
AARP-Remembers WWII (please pardon any sterotyping here) and laughs mario off their property-Sonic
Sierra Club-Sonic is a timid woodland critter. Mario is a plumber, who seeks to destroy the wild-Sonic
MTU-MTU members (teachers) have far more vivid memories of Mario ruining kids minds than sonic. Sega is a dead company-Sonic
Right to lifers-"Mario plays in pipes to save rich white women whereas i adventure to fight liberal scienctists." right to lifers misinterperit this and give the GEM to Sonic.
This, brothers and sisters, gives Sonic 6 and mario 1. Sonic could simply trade it for a lasagna and 5 golden rings and some shrooms. As it is spoken, brothers and sisters, so shall it be done."
- Revrend Robert J. Hoplite III, Church of Trivium
Et tu, Grudge-match? Dammit, my boyfriend is heading to Vancouver next week to hit the arcades, my brother is monopolizing the TV with his Dreamcast and my friend won't return my Caesar III disc. Must gaming destroy my life?
- The Jester (woe is me)
For Crying out loud people, if minorities are still having trouble getting into office then a blue hedgehog has no hope against White middle aged man. Especially a moustachioed (this word is beyond my realm of spelling capabilities) Working man with charisma. And besides, low riders are so in fashion these days
- foxy the stone cold fox and spelling bee drop out
As much as I think Sonic sucks I just couldn't bring my self to vote for a plummer who does magic mushrooms, it just didn't seem right.
- disgruntaled Uni student
As a political science major, I know the key to winning 90% of races: name recognition. Granted both Mario and Sonic enjoy a lot of popularity, but Mario has been around longer, and his platform is still selling. As a matter of fact, he outsells Sonic. Alright, you say that Sonic is used to having less than 10% odds, well let me take that down a notch.
Mario is an Italian-American, and by default has connections with the mafia. +3%
Mario is a plumber (blue-collar worker), and is probably a union guy. +2%
Mario is also most likely a Democrat, and is therefore in bed with all of those leftist special interest anyways. +2%
Mario has universal appeal (both Republicans and Democrats love him), and special interest groups don't like backing a loser. +1%
Sonic is the fastest hedgehog around. Not exactly a title you want with women. +1% for Mario.
That, plus the already established name recognition bonus of 90% puts Mario up ahead by 99% (margin of error +- .005%). Sonic has about as much of a chance winning this election as Broward County has of producing a non-idiotic voter.
- Wise Ass
Although I prefer Mario, I don't think Minnesotans wil pass up the oportunity to have the first hedgehog governor of the USA in lieu of yet another mustachioed guy.
- Foreign Element
You know, now that I think of it... Minnesota IS in fact the gubenatorial equivalent of the Diablo 2 Cow Level.
- Hurricane Andrew
Govenor Ventura smirks to himself. His plan worked perfectly... er... almost perfectly. His Minnesota is perhaps in ruins (because of some incidents including Pacman, the triforce, a lot of cheating, Mario's revenge on Duke Nukem and a cameo by Crash Bandicoot), but he has finally his winning candidate. His ticket to revenge.
"Tell me about your plan" says the President.
"I have finally found something to conquer Mr T's invincible ego- aura." the Govenor says and kneels, "I didn't think it could exist a power big enough to defeat Mr T, but it did. Japanese commercialism. I had to run a series of tests in Minnesota, but I now have control over the most powerful Japananese commercialistic icon in the world!
Govenor Ventura leaves the room, and the Presiden't most trusted man turn his head to the big diabolic desk the President lurks behind.
"Shouldn't we tell Mr Ventura the real reason why Mr T is invicible?"
"No," says Mr Burns, the real President of the United States "it is a well kept secret that Mr T actually has camoed in a Simpson-episode. Episode 2F09, Homer The Great, if I don't remember wrong."
"That is correct sir." answer Smitthers.
"But Mario will still be useless to us. The battle of the Über- Champions is nearing, and I can't trust Bush to win this battle like he did with the last Tournament of Champions. I will lead the forces myself this time, and I will need every secret weapon I have in my position to defeat Mr T."
TO BE CONTINUED IN THE BATTLE OF THE ÜBER-CHAMPIONS
As long as they're both 'running' for office, I'd say Sonic won this before it ever began.
- Xantor, the Pie O' Near
....This is a TV 13 News break...In light of the recent deaths of Mario and Sonic, Gov. Ventura will announce the name of the person to fill the next term as govenor. As we now know both cannidates were killed by shotgun blasts at close range when they tried to overpower members of the NRA. the Govenor is reading the name. Its...Jesse Ventura it appears the Govenor will complete the next term in what is sure to become known as the greatest campaign strategy in history...And now back to your regurally aceduled programming...
Ahh, truly a classic match-up, the age-old question we have all asked ourselves, finally settled on the Grudge. Lets take a look, shall we?
Level 1: PETA Problems
Level 2: AARP Antagonists
Level 3: Pro-Lifer Predicament
Level 4: Chamber of Commerce Calamity
Level 5: Sierra Club Super-Clobber
Level 6: Teacher Trouble
Level 7: NRA Nuisance
And seeing there's one element missing from this whole game so far, when Mario turns up to the mansion to get the key, Ventura will turn out to be Bowser in diguise! Three quick jumps on the head of the evil turtle-thingy, and Mario saves Minnesota, rescues the Ex- Governor (tied up in the basement with one of his feather boas, no doubt), and takes the state into a golden age of mushroom growth.
- Mixmaster Flibble
2 of the legends of video gamedom, together at last for a battle of wills. The key to victory will lie in ultimate political power;
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG
I guess I'd give it to Mario, due to the fact that Sonic sucks and Luigi would probably kneecap him.
- Shaun The Other White Meat
Now, some people might think that Sonic's desire for Chaos Emeralds would give him the upper hand in collecting GEMs. But not this time. Mario has everything a successful politician needs. To wit:
1) Ethnic background. Politicians are so much better remembered when they are ethnic. And isn't Mario more Italian than anyone? This certainly mobilizes all Italian-Americans for him. Sonic has great pull with Blue Hedgehog-Americans, but many fewer of those vote.
2) Money. Sonic runs around collecting these strange rings constantly. I don't think even he knows what those are useful for. But Mario consistently collects coins - cold hard cash, and lots of those are gold. He can afford so much advertising, the special interest groups might not even realize there is another candidate.
3) Grassroots support. No, not from the legions of video game players loyal to Mario. They never get politically involved. No, I'm talking about the fact that, as a plumber, Mario is a dues-paying union man. Unions always support union card holders in an election. Even PETA will think twice about supporting Sonic when they realize that would result in being unable to get their toilets working again.
4) Lack of speed. In politics, speed isn't an asset - it's a detriment. Sonic can criss-cross the state for support in under a day, but since he doesn't bother to stop and campaign beyond a quick "Voteforme!" nobody will want to give him a GEM. Mario, while not a slouch in speed, will take the time to greet people, make friends, kiss babies - the kinds of things that make special interests want to give votes, GEMs, and campaign dough to a politician.
5) Lovable voice. A quick check on IMDb for the television versions of each revealed that Mario was portrayed by Captain Lou Albano, who was an entertaining ex-wrestler. Minnesotans obviously like ex-wrestlers. On the other hand, Sonic was voiced by Jaleel "Steve Urkel" White. Minnesota, ask yourself this - do you want to hear your next governor declare war on Wisconsin for cheese, and say "Did I do that?" in a nasally whine when it hilariously fails?
6) Wide appeal. To take a quick, informal poll, ask around how many people can describe much of anything about Sonic beyond "fast blue hedgehog." Outside of some video gamers, not many can. However, everyone knows Mario, and more importantly, everyone loves Mario. More people can hum the Mario theme, happily, than can name their own current governor. So Mario has fans anywhere and everywhere, from the Sierra Club to the NRA.
7) Education. Often overlooked is Mario's Ph.D. in virology. This guy is a medical doctor. Hedgehogs, on the other hand, are fairly placid creatures that don't go for much higher education. So while Mario can wow leaders with his intellect, Sonic is acting like a Ritalin case, which doesn't earn anyone GEMS.
But perhaps most importantly...
8) Age. Take a look on GameFAQs and compare their first appearances. Mario first pops up in "Donkey Kong," released in the arcades in 1981. At a hale and hearty 21 years of age, Mario is an adult who can actually maintain a job legally. Sonic first appears in "Sonic the Hedgehog," which was released 10 years later. Sonic is only eleven years old - he's not even legally eligible to hold down a job in a family store, let alone vote or hold down a government job. (He certainly could do a government job, but child labor laws prevent him from actually doing it.)
Simply put, Mario is the only one with a shot at the governor's mansion. However, Mario is always one to support former rivals - he will place Sonic in charge of Minnesota's highways, which will result in thrilling loops and curves all over the state, with a speed minimum of 90 MPH.
- 32_Footsteps, the Eve of Destruction
Sonic is the winner! He relies on speed and pure bloody, tearing-your- opponent to shreds method, while Mario only has Flower Power. Stupid italian hippies
Joe, ya shouldn't have gone up against someone who is as crucial to the voting process as a Mark. Sonic© has no chance on this one.
Let's start by examining the interest groups from Left to Right:
PETA: Well, I gotta admit
Sonic© has this one. What with Mario's© terrible
record of cracking open turtles and letting them die, and his
treatment of that noble beast the great ape I can't even see PETA
giving Mario© the time of day, much less a
Final Score : Mario© 5, Sonic© 2
Now for the real kicker:
Since he was old enough
to sport a moustache back in 1981 when Donkey Kong© came out
Mario© has to be older than 30. Sonic© however...
Sonic© is disqualified, Mario© wins unopposed.
- Thomas the Kingmaker
Let's go back to 1959, to the first televised presidential debate ever, between John F. Kennedy and Richard Nixon. Kennedy basically smiled at the camera a lot and looked cool and confident, whereas Nixon was always looking down, had a cold, and didn't have as good of a delivery as his rival. In fact, a small group of reporters at the debate, located so that they couldn't see the two candidates, thought that Nixon won the debate, because his answers and arguments were actually better. However, Kennedy came out of the debate as the definite winner, making huge popularity points. Some say that this was the turning point in the campaign, leading to Kennedy becoming President of the United States of America.
Now you might be wondering,"What the hell does this have to do with this edition of Grudge Match?!" Well, just look at the pictures provided for us of Mario and Sonic. Sonic looks like a sharp, confident, cool and friendly guy. Mario, on the other hand, looks really pissed about something, like you'd rather stay away from him. So if you just look at our nation's history, you'll realize that when it comes to politics, appearance is everything.
- The Groove Meister
All right, after countless other organizations have matched these two up, Grudge Match (tm) gives it a shot, and with a novel twist. It's fairly obvious that these two will split the G.E.M.s fairly evenly at the beginning. Sonic uses his animal-ness and speed to quickly pick up the PETA, Sierra Club, and AARP G.E.M.s. On the other side, Mario uses his Mafia connections (and there are Mafia in Minnesota, they're just really, really well hidden) to acquire the NRA, Anti- abortion, and CoC G.E.M.s.
For those of you keeping track at home, that leaves only the Teacher's Union G.E.M. left unclaimed.
Our two governatorial candidates head off alone towards the dark headquarters of the Teacher's Union. Sonic's pals are still trying to get over the pain that the Mobius High School story arc in the comics gave them, and no member of the mob would dare come near the horrific site of torture and dismay that inevitably occurs when a group of teachers get together.
As has seemed inevitable since the beginning of this race, the two find themselves locked in brutal combat, the fate of a state resting on the outcome.
Although Joe seems to have made valid points about Mario's defects, he has ignored two major points in Mario's defense:
1. Mario has a great deal of experience in hand to hand combat, as evidenced in the Super Smash Brothers series. This gives him an advantage in any close combat situation.
2. Mario is also an RPG character, who has survived (among other things) being sliced in half by a diamond saw, being launched over three miles in the air, massive explosions, and being forced to watch Power Ranger clones.
But Sonic is no slouch either. While he doesn't have the physical capabilities of Mario in a duel setting (although he can survive almost anything as long as he has a power ring), he has the agility and speed advantage. When you factor in all his incarnations, his top speed is fast enough to propel him back in the space-time continuum, a feat only managed by Superman and any warp-capable starship.
These two are very evenly matched, to the point where only one thing can decide the outcome. Yes, it's that old Grudge Match (tm) staple: the RAGE (tm).
It's obvious that Mario has intense amounts of RAGE within him. After all, it would explain why he has to take all those relaxing vacations that go horribly wrong (Super Mario World; Super Mario Land 2; Super Mario Sunshine). As well, it seems likely that he suffers from a lack of commitment on the part of Peach Toadstool - try explaining why it's been 17 years now or so and he's still not married to her. Mario would have this in the bag against nearly any other gaming opponent by his RAGE.
But not Sonic. You see, the very essence of Sonic's real power comes from the RAGE. As the Sonicverse canon now seems to dictate that the powers of the Super Sonic comes not from the Chaos Emeralds, but the inner strength of the 'hog himself.
So Sonic goes Super, kicks the plumber's butt, and dashes off to the SoS's office. Unfortunately, by the time he gets there, he finds that he's already lost! "Hey! What's going on here?"
"Sonic, I'd like to introduce you to the new governor of Minnesota, Captain Lou Albano." says former-Governor Ventura.
The moral of this match: never get involved with a match involving wrestlers. They're always fixed.
Everyone at the AARP dies and leaves their GEM to the state so that one will be waiting for whoever gets the other six. Sonic manages to get the GEM from the Seirra Club, PETA, and MCCL. Mario manages to get the GEM from the MEA, Chamber of Commerce, and NRA. This sets up the final confrontation. Mario loads up on Mushrooms to become giant sized. Sonic collects a bunch of rings so he can take all sorts of hits. A battle for the ages ensues but Sonic's ability to grab rings eventually outlasts Mario and Sonic captures all the GEMs.
Unfortunately on the way to claim the governorship, Sonic is run over by Randy Moss taking an illegal right turn. Moss is the next governor of Minnesota.
(The rest of the country is just jealous because Minnesota politics is by far the most entertaining)
Anyone who has ever played a Mario game knows that he always starts out at a severe disadvantage with the Princess/stars/powerups/etc. in the hands of his enemy. He then goes around and methodically picks up everything he's ever needed and trashes someone much bigger, stronger, faster, and more powerful than he is. Seems to me he'll just let Sonic get all of the GEDs and move into the mansion then he'll show up at the mansion, negotiate all of the traps in the mansion to liberate all of the GEDs, and beat Sonic over the head with them until he takes the key away. How's Sonic gonna run away if he's stuck in the mansion? Isn't this how every Mario game works?
- Jumpmaster General
Before we can determine the winner, we must asses the streghs and weaknesses of our two adversaries.
First off, we must measure the age of them. According to the Sonic Adventure 2 (for Gamecube) instruction manual, Sonic is 16 years old. And we all know how 16 year olds have fun-snorting up various gaseous matter and being fascinated by the static electricity generated by a television. Mario is assumingly at least 34, and as a general rule I have learned from my father, once a 30-40 year old man starts on something, by God, he's going to finish it. That means that Mario will be more focused on the task at hand, while Sonic will be down at an ABC Warehouse store 'pre-testing' a can of WD-40.
Another factor is allies. On Mario's side, we have a brother who is jealous of how many games Mario gets to star in and secretly wants to kill him, a ninny princess who never makes a decent attempt to escape her captors, a dinosaur who has recently done little more than play board games and drive a little go-cart, and a simpleton midget with a large mushroom on his head. That rivals even the charcters often seen at an average Ozzfest concert. Therefore, no matter how idiotic or seemingly unusable Sonic's allies may be, they must be better than Mario's.
Finally, one must consider the objective and enviroment. Every last one of Sonic's games involved collecting valuable coins and/or gems from various freakish bosses and henchmen in wildly unfashionable clothing. In Minnesota, Sonic could likely be under the impression that this was just a trick into getting to do another video game. Mario, however, is more experienced in hostage situations, graffiti cleanup, and most conventional sports. If this was Los Angeles, (Or if Sonic was going up against the guy from Grand Theft Auto 3) Mario would be a mortal lock, unfortunately, he just won't cut it here.
Sonic races to get all of the gems and somehow succeeds, against all odds (Where have I heard this one before?), but Mario gets shot by piss-drunk hunters, mauled by timber wolves, and finally eviscerated by ninjas.
- The Knight who says, "Icky icky cowabunga-chee!"
Hmm let's see now... Minnesota's finally getting rid of one former professional wrestler as Governor, and now there's a possibility of a SECOND one coming in? (Seeing as how Mario Mario in the real world was first represented by Captain Lou Albano in the old saturday morning Nintendo Hour cartoon show.)
I don't think so.
Sonic may not be as world-reknowned, but at least he's never worn a pair of tights and rolled around onto top of another sweaty man on a piece of canvas for the entertainment of thousands of hicks.
Professional Wrestling and politics do not mix. That is why Jerry Lawler lost in his Memphis mayoral bid, and why former Killer Bee B. Brian Blair just lost out in whatever stupid post he was running for this past election in Florida. And it's also why Mario Mario will never... AND THE ROCK MEANS NEVER... become Governor of Minnesota. And that's the bottom line... because--
Aw to hell with it!
As for the match, it seems like each candidate will be able to get at least one GEM, so this will definitely come down to a fistfight (as if we'd have it any other way...). So in order to determine who wins we must examine the laws of their respective videogame worlds.
In Sonic's world the cardinal rule is: humans suck. It takes an entire special forces squad just to catch Sonic at the beginning of Sonic Adventure 2, not to mention all the times Robotnik's had his butt handed to him. One fat Italian plumber doesn't stand a chance here.
Then there's Mario's world, where there's only one place you can meet the bizzarre mascots of other videogame-themed worlds, i.e. they're playing a game of Smash Brothers. And in that game the fast characters have it easy since they can move in, attack and move out too fast for a slower character to do anything about it. Mario wouldn't have a prayer of winning here either.
So vote for the one who knows how to score, elect the 'hog in '04
- Canus Shamus
As an English major, I know first-hand that everything that ever was is actually a symbol for something else. Hence, one can surmise that Mario vs. Sonic is actually a metaphor for Nintendo vs. Sega. Once we've established this, handicapping the match becomes relatively easy. Since the help of friends is legal for these foes, one needs turn no further than the hit Nintendo game series Super Smash Bros., which Mario is a part of, incidentally. Mario can simply go to his pals in the SSB locker room, round up some help, and go out to Minnesota to kick some hedgehog tail. Mario's got Luigi, Yoshi, Link, Samus, Captain Falcon, Fox (from Starfox), Jigglypuff, Kirby, Pikachu, and even Bowser. BOWSER, for crying out loud - he's like 433 times the size of Sonic, all on his own. The power of this prodigious posse will pulverize the poor Pastaman, prior to him possessing even one paltry GEM, making this a one-candidate election. Sorry, Sonic, I was an original Genesis player, but in this case you and your furry friends are simply outplayed, outclassed and out of contention.
- Kapitän der Armeen vom Norden
It all depends on what Garrison Keillor thinks.
- The Masked Cow
This is a competition between a plumber and a mutant rodent. What more do you need to know?
- Cooler Name Coming Soon
These two are too politically non-descript for the special interest groups to decide based on ideology. But consider this:
Mario is an Italian. Italy and her American children brought us Da Vinci, Michaelangelo, Raphael, radio, pizza, spaghetti and numerous other delicious pasta dishes, ice cream, the glory that was Rome, Fonzie, Marco Polo, Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Bobby DeNiro, Al Pacino, Sophia Loren...let me say that again-- Sophia Loren, Rudy Giuliani...the list is almost endless.
Sonic is a hedgehog. Hedgehogs have brought us hedgehog droppings and (when they get jiggy) more hedgehogs.
Italians deliver, hedgehogs get underfoot. A clear lead in Pork Provision PotentialTM goes to Mario. No pack of PACs can doubt he will bring home the bacon.
Besides, Mark needs a pity win after what happened on Election Day. Looks like the Donkey Party needs about 50,000 gallons of BactineTM.
- Mr. Silverback- I forgot linguine with red clam sauce! That alone is enough for a win!
First, lets examine the facts as they are.
1: Both Mario and Sonic have special Powers. Mario gets them from Mushroom People and Brick Blocks, while Sonic gets them from TVs, presumably with the power still on. Now, both have invincibility, and they both last about the same time. Mario has two types of flight, both forms also being a weapon. Sonic needs a friend to get higher than three feet. Mario has long distance attacks, with Fireballs and Little Hammers. On the contrast, Sonic has NO long distance attacks... but he has shields... which only take on hit.
Now, on the odd chance they bring weapons into it (This IS Minnesota after all) you have to look at purchasing power. Mario gets coins for his effort, while Sonic gets rings... which don't really buy much in the real world.
2: Mario is Italian. You know what that means. He has connections with the Mob. So you know they'll be making sure that no Hedgehog gets near any of the places with GEMs.
3: While Sonic does have super speed... Mario has WARP PIPES! While Sonic is still halfway between places, while dodging all the shots of the Mob's hitmen, Mario will exit a pipe next to wherever it is he's going.
4: Next, lets look at friends. For Sonic we have:
5:Sonic also has the law after him. For speeding... and indecent exposure. Someone get Mr. the Hedgehog some pants please.
6:And now the downpoints for both.
I think Mario has it hands down.
- Mei luy: The Goddess of Random Malleting
Ten minutes into the competion Sonic runs across a lonly boy in a street corner holding a "Free Shoe shining!" sign.
Excited, the hedgehog walks to the boy and while he takes the smelly shoes (he wore them since to 90's- Sega don't pay to well), who offers him to lie his tired feet in a little water, as Sonic put his feet in the "resting bucket" he feels something teribbly wrong:
"Hey, what's with the cement?" he asks.
That's what you get for messin' with an Italian in Grudge Match.
It's all an elaborate conspiracy. Sega went out of business, and Sonic now works for Mario. Mario himself is just a figurehead. the two party system is just a front, all American Politics are controlled by the Illuminati. All hail Chairman Donkey Kong!
All I want from this match is a video of Mario beating up old people at the AARP.
- The Mad Josher
Gubernatorial starts with "goober". "Goober" is just another way of saying "booger".
Boogers are little green bits of nasal mucus sneezed into Kleenex (tm) and flushed down toilets into sewer systems.
Mario is much more familiar with sewers than Sonic, thus he is also more familiar with becoming a governor.
Mario must win.
Considering the past reports of what Tyrell's done in the governor's mansion (parties, underage drinking, and the occasional puking), I definitely pity whoever is the winner of this match.
It is obvious who the winner will be!
Politics are all about "spin." And no one does that better than our blue Hedgehog friend.
Normally I am content to submit a vote without comment, but this match I simply could not resist. I have a few things weighing in on this fight from the word go: (1) I have been a resident of the great state of Minnesota my entire life, despite attending college out of state, (2) I've played enough video games to waste several years of good living, and (3) I was one of the proud 37% that voted for Jesse Ventura in '98 in the first place. (I have a good reason somewhere if anyone cares.)
Anyways, let's look at the facts here. First off, let's put aside Sonic's obvious familiarity with collecting gems, Mario has searched for everything from keys to crystal balls to stars to shines (little sun things most recently, for those that somehow missed it). So there's no advantage there. I want to call your attention to one of the biggest parts of any political campaign: political advertising. Rewind to the days of Game Boy (the original I mean), Game Gear, and Genesis, where Nintendo was on the verge of catching up in the 16-bit gaming market, and the rivalry with then market giant Sega was at it's best. Sega's ads tended to revolve around how stupid and uncool players of their opponent's systems were, a definite negative campaign. Ninteno quietly answered with a short line of gimicks and slogans that never really took off. I still own a Virtual Boy, so I know all about things that went nowhere fast. But we're talking about Minnesota here, we don't put up with that negative campaign crap, Mario wins there by default. Next you have to realize Mario is more a man of the people. Sonic tends to be impatient and can change attitudues in less than a second, much like everything else due to his ludicrous speed. Mario has got a nicer demeanor towards the right cause, willing to wait for things, and has already won over a whole race of little mushroom folk. Mario gets the "nice-guy" vote. And last but not the least, let's take a good look at today's world. Nintendo is still thriving, making major moves in the video gaming world, now getting the support of major developers, continuing to introduce innovations that revolutionize the industry. Where is Sega now? Under contract to make games for Nintendo. Sonic is practically Mario's little pet sprite.
Mario wins by a proverbial landslide. Besides, gotta go for the common sense candidate with the mustache, right Jesse?
And by the way, my position as a Nintendo stockholder bears NO predjudice on this match.
- Jer B. - My governor can still beat up your governor.
I come from Minnesota. It's obvious that this will be a tough race. Both contestants suffer from significant disadvantages. Mario is an outspoken Italian, while Sonic is a hedgehog.
Germans make up Minnesota's largest ethnic group, and experience has tought Germans the hard lesson never to rely on Italians. Europe would be a German-speaking empire with on-time trains, well-engineered cars and really snappy uniforms now if not for Italy, and Minnesota's ethnic Germans know it.
Just ask former Minneapolis Police Chief Tony Buoza. Like Mario, he was a competent Italian-American, and his 1994 campaign for Minnesota governor was slapped down as hard as Mussolini's army in Greece.
And election season comes in early November, which is bad news for Sonic. November in Minnesota is colder than January in most places. Sonic may be fast back home in the English Midlands, but the arctic blasts of Minnesota will slow him down. The earth, you see, is divided into several climate zones. Sonic comes from the "temperate" zone. Minnesota is in what meteorologists call the "good god it's cold" zone. Sonic will have two choices in his campaign: Freeze to death or hibernate. Either way, he won't get the GEMs.
Unless, that is, Sonic realizes that most offices in the Twin Cities are connected by heated skyways. As long as the special interest groups and their GEMs are in downtown Minneapolis, Sonic needn't fear the weather outside. But the skyways also give Mario an edge, since the skyway is a maze of tubes. Mario made his name running around in tube mazes.
So without the skyway, nobody wins and Minnesota falls into a state of ungoverned anarchy, which would probably lead Canada to send in peacekeeping troops with emergency supplies of green Jello and lutefisk.
But if the GEMs can be reached by skyway, Sonic will be the next governor. He'll get to each office first. But even if he didn't, the special-interest groups know better than to back an Italian candidate in Minnesota. They'll wait for someone more credible to come along, and that someone will be Sonic. A fast-talking outsider with a funny accent and spikey hair just won the US Senate race there, so Sonic won't be such a stretch.
- Darth Dustry
Speaking of constitutional, don't you have to be a U.S. citizen to run for governor? Both games are from Japan, but I know Nintendo has identified Mario (Cuomo?) as a New Yorker, while hedgehogs are not native to the Americas...
Anyway, do not overlook two key factors:
1) Winter is swiftly approaching. A Minnesota winter. The last winter of a Minnesota gubernatorial race, the mercury dropped to -30 F (and no, we don't post no stinkin' un-American Celsius conversions) and TV crews showed footage of a guy tossing a cupful of simmering-hot water into the air & watching it turn to snow before hitting the pavement. The severe cold even stymied Gov. Ventura's plan to mark his inauguration by rappelling from a helicopter off the State Capitol Dome.
2) One of the candidates is almost completely naked, and his front doesn't even have any fur. This problem will severely limit his campaigning ability because: Naked + Minnesota winter + 3 hours = freeze-dried wolf food.
If this were a normal election race, Mario the hard-hitting New Yorker might try to make an issue of his rival's support of nudity, but the last time a Midwestern would-be governor tried that, it grievously back-fired. As things stand, Sonic should go back to the fast-food business, as his hands will be too frozen to close his mitts on MN's gubernatorial postion.
- Matt Bricker (Beavis: "Heh heh, he said 'guber.'")
It all comes down to who you can get to help you out unfairly. Sonic may have his spikes and a little bit of extra speed. But take a look at Mario...he's Italian! When you have Italians, you get the Italian mafia! Sonic-well, he just gets a bunch of furry woodland creatures. While squirrels and rabbits may be intimidating, I can just see the phone call now....
Mob: 'Ello? 'O is this?
Soon after Mario calls the mafia, Sonic is swimming with his new cement shoes. How fast can ya go now Sonic? Huh? How fast? Didn't think so! Sure, those rabbits and squirrels may be a little help at first, but we all know that the mafia will always get their man. And even if they don't (which is an unlikely occurance) Mario's got Luigi,Bowser,Samus,Link,Ness,2 Japanese guys with big swords,Fox McCloud, and other people who are really,really, ticked off. So, while Sonic does have a really, really stupid bad-guy with malfunctioning robots, and a fox with 2 tails(freak), and some gay echidna(what the frick is an echidna?)that can stick to walls. Sure, knuckles is buff, but he can't withstand the awesome fury of the whole Super Smash Bros. Crew! Sonic get's one hit in at the begining and before you know it, there are flying fireballs, boomerangs, plasma shots and hyperactive yellow rodents flying through the air. Mario in 6.23 seconds
As far as I'm concerned, once PlanetGamecube catches wind of this, voting abuse will reign supreme. They've been in trouble before, seeing as how they've done a similar stunt on the GameFAQs website, so be careful. In honor (and in hopes of quelling the possible inundation of votes from PlanetGamecube), here is a poem, entitled "Ninentdowocky". With apologies to Lewis Carroll.
"Beware Planet Gamecube, my son!
He took his Fist of Doom in hand,
And, as in uffish though he stood
One! Two! The Fist of Doom flew
"And has thou slain Planet Gamecube?
'Twas silent again, and the zombie hordes
P.S.- May Planet Gamecube not know this was posted.
We don't know if they came from PlanetGamecube, but there was voting abuse, to the tune of 792 pro-Sonic votes from a single source. There were a few other minor infractions as well, but the voting corrections were enough to change the outcome. See... recounts CAN make a difference! - Eds.
AAAAHHH! A haiku! Everyone knows that the only real poetry is a limerick, so therefore, it is against my religious, moral, and economic beliefs to vote for Mario.
- A Rabid Nutria named Fred
Next Match: Poof
Next Match: Poof
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