World Wide Web Fights Presents

WWWF Logo by Sean Ahern

The Scenario

Deep in the heart of WWWF Towers, at the annual staff meeting, dissension rears its ugly head.

WWWF Grudge Match Boardroom:

Brian (TM): Gentlemen, First order of business: the 200th Grudge Match is at hand. We need a blockbuster for this one. But before we get to that, we need to address this mascot situation.

Brendan: What situation?

Steve (TM): Good gravy! I pity the fool who isn't sick of hearing 'pity da fool'. And 1-800-Collect? He's yesterday's news! Even with all the face time we give him he barely won TOC I!

Paul: C'mon. He's our mascot.

Thinkmaster General: Dude, he's every celebrity battle web site's mascot.

Hotbranch!: Yeah, well there is no-one else that can represent Grudge Match like him!

Brian (TM): Actually, that doesn't appear to be true, and I'm afraid I must side with Steve here. [Gasps fill the room] Mr. T is very one-dimensional. Plus, we hired him on a whim. Was he really the best choice? Or do we need someone more multi-faceted to help drive the multi-media efforts of the multi-national conglomerate that IS Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC™? Would we not be better served with a soldier, an actor, a cross-dressing wrestler, a politician, and someone who once hosted a syndicated TV game show called "Grudge Match"? [More gasps fill the room] I'm speaking, of course, of--

Mark: My governor, Jesse Ventura!

Dave: Jesse Ventura?! HA! Mr. T would wipe the floor with him!

Mark: You're on!

Shane: Well, it looks like we have our blockbuster! Mr. T versus Jesse Ventura in a battle for Official WWWF Grudge Match Mascot!

Brian (TM): Make it so. And since this is a special occasion, let's invite some old friends. Joe, go warm up the bus.

June 2nd, 2002, Grudgison Square Gardens: A giant ring surrounded by all former Grudge Match combatants, some of whom have their own agendas...

Ring announcer Brian: Ladies, Gentlemen, and miscellaneous, this fight is a Lumberjack Match. If either competitor exits the ring, he will be thrown back in the ring by you, our former Grudge combatants. This match will continue until a competitor is eliminated by a 3-count or a submission. [Cheers]

Referee Steve: Keep it clean, boys. [Boos] Or not. [Cheers] Begin when you hear the bell.


Which celebrity big-mouth tough-guy will be the Official WWWF Grudge Match Mascot?

Jesse Ventura and Mr. T in happier times

Mr. T vs. Jesse Ventura

The Commentary

DAVE: This is indeed a sad day in the Grudgeverse (tm). To even consider replacing our beloved Mr. T with Jesse Ventura is sheer madness. I may be the new guy here, but I've been around long enough to know you don't mess with some traditions. Who's next on the chopping block? Gary Coleman? Hotbranch!? The Chihuahuas? In any case, the real question before us is who will win this Lumberjack match. And it's clear that Ventura doesn't stand a chance. T is a proven winner against effeminate bald guys.

If you think Ventura's pro-wrestling days give him an advantage, think again. Mr. T was in the main event of the first Wrestlemania. Where was the so-called Body? Probably wrestling midgets on the undercard. Plus, Mr. T used to be a bouncer. Unlike wrestlers, bouncers are actually required to hurt people. As a matter of fact, every time Mr. T or one of his friends would get into a scrap, the unconscious troublemaker's jewelry would go to Mr. T. That's why he wears all those chains and rings. Accordingly, Mr. T brings an arsenal of potential weapons wherever he goes. But I'm sure there's an equally good story behind those girlish feather boas that Jesse wears. We'd all like to hear it, Mark.

In a Lumberjack match, the people surrounding the ring are not supposed to get involved, except to throw back any combatant who is thrown out or tries to leave. In reality, however, the Lumberjacks always try to affect the outcome. And if you examine the lengthy roster of past WWWF participants, you'll see that the Lumberjacks' support will be firmly behind Mr. T. Sure, his fellow politicians will probably back Ventura, but I don't see Ross Perot as a match for the rest of the A-Team. Predator will be at ringside, itching for another round with the Body. Furthermore, Ventura's wacky views regarding guns and hunting will earn him the wrath of Santa's Reindeer, who, as you recall, are allied with the Teamsters. The Boxers will undoubtedly side with Clubber Lang. When Ventura gets tossed out, you can bet he'll be beaten within an inch of his life before his carcass is thrown back for Mr. T to finish off.

Truly, Jesse Ventura is a fool. But don't pity him. He's getting what he deserves.

MARK: What a minute. You mention "effeminate" in this match and you're NOT talking about the guy wearing rings, necklaces, earrings, and bracelets? You've got a skewed sense of reality there, chum.

This is a tough-guy web site. Our readers crave a bit of violence. Mr. T walks around with a bunch of jewelry and a glass of milk. Jesse Ventura has a sign on his property with an image of a gun and a caption reading "We don't call 911." Which one more exudes the spirit of Grudge Match? Jesse Ventura.

Your roster of wrath is as wacky as your claims of Ventura's gun views. As scared as Jesse Ventura might be of Santa's Rein-dinners, he probably doesn't have much to worry about. Most of the "lumberjacks" will be hacking on each other. All of them have bad blood with AT LEAST one other. Several have bad blood directly with Mr. T: Mr. Clean, MacGyver, Khan, Stormtroopers, Death Star, Terminator, Hannibal Lecter, a rottweiler, and Obi-Wan Kenobi. Yes, that's two with the power of "The Force" having issues with Mr. T. Since I don't see Norm Coleman, Skip Humphrey, or the reporter pool from Minnesota Public Radio, I don't think many have a personal vendetta against Jesse Ventura. There might be a few who might be after Jesse Ventura, but they'll have to wait in line behind the mob after Mr. T.

One of the roles of a mascot is being an ambassador. Jesse's all over this. He's been to or has plans to go to Canada, Mexico, and China on trade missions. He's testified in Washington on behalf of Minnesota's farmers and against Major League Baseball antitrust status. Good golly, he's even pleaded the case for the taconite industry on Jay Leno. This guy will do whatever it takes for a cause. Don't you want that cause to be us?

Finally, Jesse Ventura wins. What's his motto? "Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat." Will Mr. T do what it takes to get the job done or will he play by the rules? He looks at himself too much as a goody-goody role model to be effective.

Jesse "The Body" Ventura governs a three-count out of Mr. T in this one!

DAVE: I can barely believe what I'm reading. A few extra pieces of jewelry, earned by kicking some heads in, is not effeminate. Feather boas and purple leather pants, worn for no reason whatsoever, is downright fruity. Also, Jesse is a girl's name. Above, you point out that this is a "tough-guy" website. Well, genius, guess what "T" stands for. They just don't come any tougher.

You also claim that Ventura exudes Grudgeness (tm) because he has a picture of himself holding a gun. But ever since Gary Coleman and Webster first locked up, hasn't Grudge Match been about settling the score with old-fashioned fisticuffs and hand-to-hand combat? In all those years with the A-Team, did Mr. T ever need a gun to get the job done? Of course not. In both name and attitude, Mr. T simply embodies all that is Grudge Match. Always has, and always will.

Yeah, that's some catchphrase Ventura has. The "...lose if you must..." part is particularly appropriate, since that's how Ventura will have to console himself. Even his former opponents, fearful of another thrashing, will side with T. And his sense of fair play, which you so casually deride, will win him the allegiance of hundreds of lumberjacks, including the equally fair-minded Superfriends, and Zorro, to name a few. Furthermore, a strong anti-government faction at ringside (the Disgruntled Postal Worker and Lex Luthor, for example) will ensure that there's no escape for the Governor.

Final T-nalysis: For God's sake, he beat cancer! No jibba-jabberin' sucka from Minnesota stands a chance!

MARK: Personally, I'd vote for Ventura for the simple fact that he doesn't use terms like "jibba-jabberin'." (Or "helluva far" for that matter.)

Mr. T does NOT embody all that is Grudge Match. Is Grudge Match simply a where-are-they-now pawn of telecommunications companies shilling social irresponsibility? Mr. T more closely embodies Carrot Top than Grudge Match. Jesse Ventura embodies Grudge Match so much that he was part of a television program called Grudge Match.

Yes, Mr. T beat cancer. That's outstanding and takes a tough person. No question. What Jesse Ventura did was beat the Republicans AND Democrats in a political election. He beat those career politicians at their game under their rules. That takes quite a lot of determination and fortitude. Mr. T beat cancer; Jesse Ventura beat the establishment. No clear winner in that one.

But there is a clear winner in the "old-fashioned fisticuffs and hand-to-hand combat" debate. Jesse Ventura runs circles around Mr. T. Jesse Ventura was a Navy SEAL, bodyguard, and professional wrestler. And Ventura isn't limited by fair play. Mr. T handcuffs himself on this one, giving Ventura a double advantage.

Finally, you keep making far-fetched claims about what will happen to Ventura when he's out of the ring and who will and won't be on his side. With his training and toughness, I see no reason why Jesse Ventura would leave the ring until the match is over. It will be a quick match, with massive jewelry helping hold Mr. T down for a three-count.

Jesse Ventura beat the odds in 1998, and they don't come much odder than a kilt-wearin' giggly man with a mohawk, pounds of jewelry, and a kilt-wearin' rubber chicken.

Jesse "The Body" Ventura reigns again!

The Results

Your winner and reigning WWWF Mascot: Mr. T!

Mr. T

Mr. T (2436 - 67.8%)


Jesse Ventura

Jesse Ventura (1158 - 32.2%)

helluva far

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Voter Comments


You fools! Don't you see what you've done?! In that arena there are 500+ characters who should never, ever be in the same room! I can see it now: despite the efforts of Yoda, Jackie Chan, Mike, Tom and Crow to maintain order, there will be UTTER CHAOS(TM).

Mr. Clean will steal Lex Luthor's toupee. Moses will send a plague of wasps to silence the South Park kids. The Tick will be lecturing Joe Camel on lung cancer, using a painful amount of metaphors. Krusty the Clown will shoo away Calvin and Jason Fox. The Ewoks will worship Marvin the Paranoid Android as their new god. All four Batmen will chase Catwoman. John Wayne will shoot at Walker, but hit Dick Vitale instead. Duke Nukem will be putting the moves on Jeannie, until she "accidentally" blinks him to ancient Baghdad, where he is standing in line for ritual castration. Godzilla will eat Steve Irwin. Colonel Klink and Dr. Strangelove will swap war stories until Daffy Duck drops a bomb on them. Boba Fett will turn in Jeffrey Dahmer to the Superfriends. King Kong will abduct Lara Croft. Homer Simpson will eat Dogbert. ("Mmmm... canine.")

Things will just get worse. Wolverine will turn Winnie the Pooh into a new hood. Inspector Clouseau and the Terminator will misunderstand each other and shoot each other. Darth Vader will strangle ET. Emperor Palpatine will take Gary Coleman as his new apprentice. Cookie Monster will eat the Pillsbury Doughboy. Hannibal Lector will eat Captain Kirk, who has drunkenly been flirting with him.

It all comes to a head when Cliff Clavin begins lecturing Robocop about how pop culture was invented by J. Edgar Hoover in 1946 to distract the masses from the monotony of their everyday lives. Robocop finally snaps and opens fire on the ring. Ventura goes down, but T uses his gold to shield himself. Mr. T by default.

Epilogue: Beavis and Butt-head were seen debating whether the fight "rocked" or "ruled". Ronald McDonald bribed the officials and purchased Ventura's corpse for reasons best left unknown.

-Oxymoron ("Iron Fist have mercy on me and my eloquent ways")

Silver Grudgie ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

Anyone paying attention realizes that Jesse is all hat and no cattle, or more specifically, all mouth and no cojones. If you've spent time around anybody who grew up in the bad parts of town, you'll recognize Mr. T as having the nonconformist attitude of one who doesn't need to prove anything to anyone anymore. Although, someone who's never left the cozy confines of America's most livable city might not understand, right Mark?

While Jesse was hanging out at the pool in South Minneapolis, Mr. T was growing up on Chicago's south side.

Sure, Jesse was a Navy Seal, more or less. (Although those who served with him never seem to do more than roll their eyes when asked about him.) Mr. T was an MP, and I have it on good information that one MP can easily handle three surgeons and a cross-dressing Lebanese orderly.

Mr. T bodyguarded Muhammed Ali, Leon Spinks, and Steve McQueen. Steve McQueen! Lets think about this for a second. Imagine the sort of psycho who is going to mess with that whisky drinking, gun slinging, wild eyed real life lunatic. That's what Mr. T had to deal with every day, not Mean Gene Okerlund or even Gorilla Monsoon.

While Jesse was fluffin' around with the boas and Elton John's hand-me-down sunglasses, Mr. T was winning a couple of Toughman contests by smashing through locked doors while handcuffed.

So what've they been doing recently? Mr. T was kicking cancer's butt. (What kind of cancer? T-cell Lymphoma, of course.) And our governor? Well, for a while we didn't know, since he stopped giving out his daily schedule because, as he said, he was one of the top terrorist targets. (If Jesse stops giving out his daily schedule, the terrorists have already won.)

Pit a whiny wuss masquerading as a tough guy up against a tough guy with a life-lovin', happy-go-lucky exterior. Mr. T's got my vote.

-Jon Wentz, no relation to Mark Wentz, except biological.

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM


I wish that I knew HTML, just so I could make the letters in the previous line boldfaced, italicized, and really, really big, so you could see the sheer pathos poured into them.


You may hold others as equal to Mr. T, you may poke fun at his command of English, and you may even hold a secret dislike for him just a little bit, but you never, EVER, EEEEEVER insult him to the degree which I am about to relate!!!

"Mr. T more closely embodies Carrot Top than Grudge Match."


I dare say that for this, Mr. T will personally kick you Helluva Far (tm), directly into the firey pits of hell! You deserve far worse!

Side note: was that pic of J & T real or ps'ed?


That photo is 100% real, taken from an encounter in Toronto. A kilted rubber chicken... the accessory of choice for the early 80's. -Ed.

NOOOOOOOOOO! Mr. T has to be the victor here! Think about it... T stands for unadulterated, unrestrained whoop-ass. He is the living embodiment of the RAGE (TM); the majority of the Grudge Matches involve some form of whooping or other similar actions. If Jesse Ventura wins... well, look at him! He's a frickin' governor! If he wins, Grudge Match will undergo a horrible new political format - it will be just like C-Span. There's not going to be any whoop-ass, RAGE (TM), or vicious herds of chihuahuas chewing on helpless combatants; the contestants will merely argue each other to death, and the RAGE (TM) will become the FILIBUSTER (TM). We can't have that.

- duanage - the Predator will lose the next match he's in, simply because he doesn't have the FILIBUSTER (TM)

I gotta vote for the Governor on this one. I mean just compare the two competitors.

Mr T.- I pity this fool. I mean come on really, it's hard not to. He hasn't been on TV since A-Team, not in movies since Rocky III (shudder), and is now stuck doing those horrible 1-800-collect commercials. It'll only be a matter of time before he shows up on Fox's Celebrity Boxing fighting Jaleel White or something.

Jesse Ventura- The current Governor of Minnesota. As an ex-professional wrestler (yes I realize it's fake, but the match is taking place in a ring) he knows how to take bumps. Not only that but he went through the toughest training a person could go through. He speaks 5 languages, knows every weapon ever built, and could kill you 3 times before you hit the ground. In his own words "Ain't no such thing as a dumb Navy Seal."

- Tom the Enchanter

There's nothing scarier than a politician. Ventura in heartbeat.

- The Jester

This is definitely one of the more even matches in quite some time. Both contenders are quite strong, tough, and popular. Jesse Ventura claimed he was a Navy SEAL, though there is some question about whether he actually was or if he really was a UDT (see for the details). Mr. T was a bar bouncer. So, toughness and fighting skill are fairly close to equal, with a slight edge to Ventura (if he was actually a SEAL).

However, fights are not always decided by brawn. In many cases, resourcefulness plays a role. And in this area, Mr. T stands head and shoulders above Jesse Ventura. In his days in the Navy, Ventura had all the stuff he needed issued to him. On the "A-Team", Mr. T's character had to actually *make* what he needed from locally available junk.

So, the way this fight will likely go is that Mr. T will be able to improvise something using his jewelry and a few items tossed into the ring by the audience to totally confound Jesse Ventura and win the match.

- The Demented Astronomer

I hate you for making me chose. Just goes to show how good a match this is. Keep up the great work.

- Knastymike

We have established that this is a Lumberjack match between Mr. T and The Body with past WWWF entrants as Lumberjacks.
We can all agree that EVERYONE (living or dead) from the WWWF History will be here as Death and Q will be on hand to make sure that the guest list is filled or else!
It has been established that Mr. T and The Body are both currently residing on the "Good Guys" teams roster.

Now, after looking at the above establishments we must also consider that wrestling history has proven time and again that anytime Good Guys are participating in a Lumberjack Match they will attack the Lumberjacks immediately regardless of the consequences and that the Lumberjacks will turn on each other faster than Elvis on a Twinkie! So we can assume that the following will occur...

Still looking a little pale from last night's jello shot contest, Hotbranch rings the bell. The Body and Mr T take one look at each other and began tearing in to the Lumberjacks like cops on a jaywalker! While those two are doing the Down Town Stomp all over the lumberjacks, Star Trek and Star Wars are the first to turn on each other in an orgy of phasers and lasers! The others will quickly follow suit but will have a hard time getting to each other as everyone is going to be hip deep in the corpses of Red Shirts and Storm Troopers faster than you scream "LEMMINGS" (The arena will quickly resemble Saving Private Ryan especially once Mr T breaks out his favorite gold bike chain (nicknamed "Mr. Links) and The Body breaks out his Predator gatling gun (nicknamed "Painless). But alas the bodies will run out in this WWWF Death Match and only our two contestants will be left standing. They stare each other down for a moment and just simply walk away as they both know that there is far too much ass to be kicked for them to ever bother with each other! You won't hear any booing at this draw as there isn't anyone left alive to complain! I can only hope that the WWWF Crew has enough sense to watch this match from VERY far away!


I can't believe you guys missed the obvious factor here. Jesse Ventura's involvement with the XFL (tm) prevents him from WINNING ANYTHING EVER AGAIN!

Additionally, Jesse is a fan of marijuana. He will be far to busy eating Twinkies (tm) and laughing his ass off at "Three's Company" to put up a defense. Mr. T will turn Jesse into a blood stain on the floor before Jesse has a chance to say "Pass the bong, dude."

Prediction for this match: "Pain."

- Kobal

I can't believe you guys failed to mention one lumberjack in particular who will undoubtedly be the deciding factor in this match. That's right, I'm talking about JOEL SHUMACHER!

One glance at him standing at ringside and both T and V will charge out of the ring before even locking up in a desperate attempt to be the first to wring his scrawny neck for involving BOTH of them in insipid vanity projects!

If you REALLY want a winner, I'll give the nod to Mr. T because I doubt many people remember "DC Cab". (My humblest apologies for resurrecting memories in the heads of those that do).

As for Ventura's project under Hollywood's "King of Stink", well...if you don't remember it by now, pass me some of what you happen to be drinking so that I may join you in the realm of blissful forgetfulness.

- RoboGoober98 (I'm all out of bubble gum...)

Grudge-Match isn't about violence. It's about funny violence. Mr. T. is funnier than Mr. V.

- Affy

From a purely analytical standpoint, Mr. T is the truer embodiment of the Grudge Match™ simply because he embodies the principle that pop culture is more important than "real life." Think about it: Where does Mr. T leave off and B.A. Baracus begin? Is he afraid to fly in real life, or only on TV? Does Mr. T drink his milk, or is that just in the script? We don't know. And I don't even think he does. How appropriate for a site that began with an inability to distinguish Gary Coleman from the character he played on Diff'rent Strokes ("Arnold Drummond," for the 0.7 people who care). Jesse Ventura may conflate his public and private personae, like most wrestlers, but you can sort of tell who's who - he doesn't, so far as I know, wear his feather boas to official state functions. He is not a creature of pure, concentrated pop culture like the man who used to be Lawrence Tureaud.

The next question is who's the better fighter. This would have to be Jesse. I've never been impressed with Mr. T's fighting skills. Losing to Rocky is sad enough, but even on The A-Team, he wasn't anything special: The only time he got to throw anyone helluva far™ was in Act One when the A-Team went up against the pathetic cowboy-hatted henchman who were threatening the client's farm/restaurant/factory/brothel. Even the nerd from Riptide could beat those guys. But when it came to a confrontation with the chief bad guy, Mr. T always got captured and locked in a warehouse, and had to use his welding skills to build something and bust his way out. Maybe if Jesse locks Mr. T in a broom closet with some past Grudge Match™ losers, T can dismantle C3PO and rebuild him into a cannon using some of Bob Vila's tools. But it's not likely.

Finally comes the issue of outside interference. I tend to agree with Dave that Mr. T will have more help from past competitors: Most notably, Mr. T has been caricatured on The Simpsons at least four times, giving him the support of all this site's many Simpsonian competitors. Unfortunately for T, Grudge™ precedent has proven that the more help he has, the worse he does. Note that the only time he ever lost on this site was when he and the rest of the A-Team were out-welded by MacGyver. Jesse has no such problem. But there's one other unexpected guest who will decide the whole match, and I have mentioned her before: It's Amy Allen, the unsung fifth member of the A-Team.When Mr. T was interviewed about her, he offered such direct, cut-and-pasted quotes as: "This show was not designed for a lady; she says she wanted more work, more time on camera. How stupid can you get?" Now, can you imagine the degree of RAGE™ that derives from: 1) Getting fired from a hit show by Sexist Pigs™; 2) Being part of the A-Team for all those episodes and never once getting to hit anybody. Yes, hell hath no fury like a pissed-off Token Female™, and with George Peppard dead, Mr. T will bear the brunt of that fury. Not to mention the relatively few female Grudge Match™ competitors, who will join her in sympathy (perhaps, if we're lucky, burning their brassieres in protest against the all-male hegemony of the Grudge™ staff). Samantha, Jeannie, Bionic Woman, Wonder Woman, Xena - these women are not numerous, but they are powerful, and when they read what Mr. T has had to say about women, they'll assist in reducing him to bejewelled ash.

- Captain Corcoran

I can see this match only happening one way. Jesse Ventura and Mr. T would start to fight until...

Khan sees Kirk near the side of the ring and starts a mad rush to get to him. He kills a few red shirted ensigns, Stormtroopers, and Gary Coleman for getting in his way. They finally lock up as the battle music starts to play.

Vader and Kenobi notice each other and immediately try to attack each other so both fight their way to a secluded area and battle with the light sabres.

The Predator walks around having a field day, ripping heads off of ensigns, Stormtroopers, Chuihuahuas, the Rottweiler, and the Drunk Soccer Hooligans. Suddenly, he notices the Headless Horseman and just kind of stares at him puzzled.

In the midst of all the chaos, we hear a bone chilling sound.
"I wuv you, you wuv me!"
(Looking back towards the entrance, we see Barney and Wesley Crusher arm in arm walking towards the ring.)
Wesley: If we could make up, so could you!
(The entire Grudge Match chaos stops and stares at the duo.)
Khan: By god, they are back.
Kirk: That... Isn't... Possible...
Spock: Highly illogical.
Vader: What!?!?
Kenobi: I sense a strong disturbance in the Force.
Headless Horseman: ...

Mr. T and Jesse Ventura stop fighting and back up in terror at what they see.
Mr. T: Those fools are back!!!
Jesse Ventura: Nooo!!!!
Mr. T: I don't have time for this two fools! Lets knock off the jibberjabber and take these guys out!!!
Jesse Ventura: Yeah!!!
(Everyone turns their attention to Barney and Wesley. Barney and Wesley turn to run out but the run directly into the French Army. They turn to find themselves surrounded by the Terminator, the Incredible Hulk, and King Arthur and his Knights.)
Barney: Grab on to me Wesley!!! I haven't used this since the fiasco in Los Angeles!!!
(Barney fires a grappling hook from his head and latches it on to the top of the arena. It pulls up and just as it looks like they will escape, we see John McClane at the top with a knife.)
McClane: Yippie Ki Yay Mother *******!!!
(He cuts the rope as Wesley and Barney fall. And in one of the coolest moments in Grudge Match history, Godzilla grabs them out of midair and eats them both!)
Grudge Match Contestants: YAY!!!
(Everyone leaves and lives happily ever after. However a Stormtrooper trips and accidently frys Jesse Ventura.)
Winner: Mr. T!!!

- Dustin Marks

Mr. T vs an overhyped white-guy? Mr. T kicks his ass (see the first half of Rocky III) However, should Jesse "The Body" Ventura find himself an appropriate mentor and no-frills gym to retrain in, the next match should be a lot closer. (see the second half of Rocky III)

- Tristan

Before I begin, I would like to wish the boys at WWWF Grudge Match a happy 200th Grudge Match, may you have 200 more, fellas. Now, this will be quite an interesting match. Since this match between Mr "I Lost to Sylvester Stallone and my career never recovered from it".T and Jesse "The Mind, not the Body" Ventura will be a Lumberjack Match, the usual cliche things will happen. The one main thing is this: the Heels will beat the crap out of face when he is tossed to the outside, the faces will beat the crap put of the heel when he is tossed to the outside. Since Mr. T was a heel in only one movie and Jesse was a heel wrestler and commentator for much longer, Jesse is the heel by default. Now let I, former Silver Grudge Medal winner Dane "The New Prodigy" show you the recap of the match as it will happen:

The bell sounds and T and Ventura stalk each other around the ring as the blood-thirsty lumberjacks await a chance to pound on them. T gets in Ventura's face to tell him to make sure he dials Collect when he makes a call while Ventura screams back he only will if T endorses XFL 2.0. After a shoving contest, T finally just pounds on Ventura and tosses him to the outside near Forrest Gump, Mr.Clean, and Hobbes. Gump offers Ventura some chocolates as Clean, who lost to Mr. T in a Grudge Match many moons ago, slips Ventura some brass knucks for some revenge. However, Hobbes sees this and politely tells the referee about it, which causes Hobbes and Clean to brawl, which in turn causes a domino effect, and now every lumberjack begins to brawl. Rush Limbaugh is thrown up in the air by the collective might of the Soccer Hooligans, and he lands right on top of Ventura, squishing him flat. And Mr. T wins by default! Afterwards, T challenges Rocky to a re-match, which is scheduled for next week's PPV "The Rage in the Cage part VIIIIII: Damm, that's alot of Roman Numerals."

- Former Silver Grudge Medal winner Dane "The New Prodigy"

You expect anyone to leave the arena alive when Emperor Palpatine, Darth Vader, Jeffrey Dahmer, and Hannibal Lecter are all assembled there? Fools (so foolish, you will not even be pitied).

- EasyRider

I believe the best way to determine the winner of this match is to compare it to a great historical event that is similar in its contestants and situation.

Both men have a past in wrestling, but neither of them are known as wrestlers. Indeed, we have Mr. T the actor, and Jesse Venture the governor. So this match is between an actor and a governor for supreme dominance. When has this happened before?

1984. B-List Actor Ronald Reagan v. Massachusetts Governor Michael Dukakis in the battle for the presidency. The last thing Ventura will ever hear will be "I pity the.." before all goes silent.

- lenin

Actually, in 1984, the slaughtered Democratic candidate was Walter Mondale--who hails from ... uh ... Minnesota. -Eds.

Ahem. If I may quote official Grudge-match Glossary(tm)...

"Mr. T: Patron saint, mascot, and chief enforcer of WWWF. Once he cruised to victory against Mr. Clean early in our history, his ascent to Grudge Match sainthood was inevitable. We like to think we're like Mr. T: fierce competitors who live for the fight, take no nonsense, and exude menace and toughness--with just enough of a wink on the side that you can relax and enjoy us."

If Mr. T loses, will this be amended to- "We like to think we're like Jesse Ventura: fierce competitors who live for the fight, then cop out, become a two faced, slimy, prevaricating politician, and alienate two thirds of our friends while the rest of the nation screams with laughter at our expense"?

- Antidisestablishmentairianism- Minnesotan and ANGRY

Mr. T is the mascot of this page? I couldn't tell considering that he is used every where else! I will agree, Mr. T is awesome but he is too busy roaming about the internet fighting EVERYONE on the internet. Mr. T vs Highlander, Mr. T vs. the Backstreet Boys, Mr. T vs. a Big Tree, the insane madness never ends! And have you seen how he wins those matches? He throws people. This is grudge- match, you don't win fights by just throwing people.

Clearly his mind has gone numb from all the years of being stuck with the A-Team. Sure their were fights with fists and guns but how many people actually lost a tooth or got shot with a bullet? I sure haven't seen any. That was back in the 80's when fighting on TV was all nicey-nice. But my fellow grudge-matchers, this isn't the 80's. We live in a time where we aren't afraid to show blood and extreme action. Mr. T was great for a trip down memory lane but what is he good for now? A laugh whenever he says "jibba-jabber" or "I pity the foo".

Now you have Jesse Ventura. He's big, bald, and isn't afraid of anybody, including the media. That in itself speaks volumes. As for acting, he wasn't in no sissy TV show, he was in movies that had excitement and action, such as Predator which stared the mighty Arnold Schwarzeneggar, and you can't go wrong with that action-man!

Now I know what is coming up next, his wrestling career, a show where hot and sweaty men walked to a ring in tights, feather boas/meak-up and wrestled each other even though everything about it is rigged. How can that be any better than the A-Team? Simple, it takes a man to actually wear tights and feather boa's, in bright pink and yellow clothing no less, and fight in front of a crowd of thousands of people in public as well as on national television. And, unlike the A-Team, wrestlers got bruised, bloodied and even seriously hurt. The only thing that hurt Mr. T was his pocket book when he realised that he went bankrupt due to the fact that his gold chains and catchy phrases were getting him no-where. Now, sadly, he is a distant memory and is used in 1-800-Collect commercials. What is Jesse Ventura doing? He is the Govenor of Minnesota, an actual leader to a vast amount of people. (And despite what many people thought would happen, Minnesota hasn't gone under from his leadership.

Out with the old and in with the new. Jesse is a good choice and worthy to replace Mr. T. He's different, unique and above all else, he's not being mass-produced on everyone else's website. Jesse is the man for the job, hands down.

- Dark Queen

[spoken with creepy, foreboding, Old Hermit Voice]

This match must never come to be. These two figures stand watch over the voting and response forms, keeping order in the Grudge-i-verse {TM}. But, they not only keep order, they have become order. they are the Guardians, they are the Gods, they are the Law(TM). but what happens when order is turned against itself? if either of them is ceases to be, then so does the law. only entropy will survive, and the universe will be destroyed? You guys don't want to destroy the universe, do you? that would be a real asshole thing to do.

- kramertim says don't be a dick, what did the universe ever do to you?

All right, I don't mean to toot my own horn here, but I DO stake claim to being the resident A-Team expert at Grudge Match. So I would like to dispel the myth that Mr. T never lost a fight. He's lost twice. First, in the pilot, to a sweaty Mexican 7-footer. Then later to a Russian terrorist who traded punches with T for the whole episode.

Now, let's compare: a Mexican giant vs. Ventura? A Russian terrorist (who was legitimately 350+ pounds) vs. Ventura? Clearly, you have to be amazing to top Mr. T, and an old-man politician will not do it. Hell, Roddy Piper couldn't even beat Mr. T in the ring. Beat that, foo'!

- Grudge-Pops™: Specially made for the clinically insane

I have to go with the Big V on this one. Though Mr. T does rate high on the Cool-O-Meter (pat. pending), Ventura does have a trump card: he can mobilize Minnesota's branch of the National Guard. So while Mr. T drives around on a suped-up lawn mower (V8 with short pipes), the Gov is sending guys with Humvee's with machine guns.

Plus let's not forget the image of the Gov holding the chain gun from the original Terminator.

- Peter Smith

Yes, it would be great to see Mr. T win, but who cares as long as we can finally get "HotBranch! 3:16" t-shirts?

- Rainwoman

While I hate to see something this close and dear to the Grudge Match be gotten rid of, there are times when even the most cherished traditions just outlive their usefulness. We have to move with the changing times, and although most of us, myself included, really do hate to see our partnership end, it has brought us more embarrassment than benefits as of late. And so, we simply have no choice to break off our relations and bid a tearful farewell to that which has been with us since Grudge Match began.

This is why I vote that we get rid of Steve and Brian for even allowing this match to even be considered. Sorry, guys, but you have outlived your usefulness. You're gone.

- Infraggable Krunk, official stockholder in Grudge Match, Inc.

Un-be-freaking-lieveable. This might be the ultimate Grudge Match. Can this match honestly be topped, ever? I say nay. So in this, perhaps the most intriguing and important Grudge of all time, who shall be the victor?

Honestly, ignore all the peripheral stuff, like 1-800 Collect commercials (hey, everyone has to eat) and beating politicians (yeah, now THAT is a tough crowd). It comes down to several simple factors.

First, the toughness factor, but both of these guys are well-known for that. Second, experience, but again, we have a draw.

But for the all important third aspect, charisma. Who did we all respect as young kids? Who gets a smile of recognition when his name is heard? And who came to the Electronic Entertainment Expo, totally out of his league, to meet with his fans (including myself)?

Yes, Mr. T. Yes, I honestly met him. And that is why, now and forever, he should be so honored.

- 32_Footsteps, the Eve of Destruction

The fact that there could ever be any argument on this one makes me fall to my knees and weep at the futility of civilisation, after all that humanity has achieved the idea that someone could seriously suggest that Mr. T, who embodies the sacred ideals of Grudgematch, could be replaced by Jesse "I'm a Big Dumb Poncy Ex-Wrestler" Ventura really makes you wonder what the is the point of it all. Let's just take a look at what the combatants have going for them:

1. Catch phrases, on the one hand we have Jesse "I'm a Big Dumb Poncy Ex-Wrestler" Ventura's: "Win if you may, loose if you must but always cheat", the guy's admitting that he's a loser and a big cheat for christ's sake! On the other hand we have the legendary:"I PITY THE FOOL WHO MESSES WIT ME!", It represents everything about Grudgematch, it is a defiant all conquering battle cry that guaranties the receipitant a one way ticket to Painsville USA

2. Names, on the one hand we have "Jesse", which admittedly is not a bad name, for a girl, but then what can we expect from a guy who likes to wear tights and wrestle about on the floor with like minded individuals? On the other hand we have "Mr. T", there's a reason they call him Mr, it's respect, anyone who doesn't call him me Mr is likely to get a facefull of 24 carat gold.

3. Weaponry, on the one hand we have Jesse "I'm a Big Dumb Poncy Ex- Wrestler" Ventura, he likes to pose about with guns, people who pose about with guns are not tough, they are big posey sissie boys who can't fight like proper men and need to hide behind a gun-barrel cause otherwise they get the crap beaten out of them. On the other hand we have Mr. T, Mr. T doesn't need to use guns, using his barehands and whatever he's managed to build this week from a tractor and a few sheets of corrugated iron he has proven time and time again that the guys with guns are just there to get their ass kicked by him.

Mr. T wins in 2.5 seconds cause no one's going to be the one to tell him he's ot of a job.

- David Gorman, peace freak, englishman and general weirdo,

This heresy will end here
And from the lore of the past
"Who speaketh as the arbiter of final recourse
"Who else could mediate between boxers and wrestlers
Who captures the spirit of pop culture of days gone by that is the ultimate determiner of victory.
Who lead the grudge militia against the forces of "Showgirls in Beverly Hills" from the back of GODZILLA
Who has boxed Rocky/Rambo and come out in one piece
Who has been able to challenge McGuyver and by association is greater than the entire Egyptian pantheon
Who is on the world council of "the Ancient Society of No Homers""

To combat the usurper and the dark forces of the Minnesota national guard
T summons the greatest powers of the grudge
The aura of true RAGE decends like a mantle over him glinting off his gold
The BABE factor cheers him on
The MENTOS fresh taste as his mouthguard

He will not be stopped

- D.Merzel

Judging by the pre-matchup photo lets see what each contestant has going for them:

Mr. T:
1)Wearing a stylish plaid skirt(tm).
2)Choking a rubber chicken also wearing a plaid skirt.
3)Wearing enough gold to start his own strip mine.

Mr. V.:
1)Tight purple pants.
2)Sideburns the size of Manhattan.
3)Unidentified Fuzzy Objects (UFO's) hanging off his coat.

Cleary the Grudge Match(tm) is doomed either way. Kinda like whatever charity Burt Renyolds is playing for on Celebrity Jeopardy (tm).

I voted for Mr. V(tm) cause he used to be a navy seal.

- 30-.06

The picture you are using to illustrate the match, and Mark's comments regarding Mr. T's attire were the deciding factors in my decision. Due to my experience from my wrestling fan years, and my Adventures in Scotland(tm), it was immediately obvious to me who was the tougher, thus who was most fittest to be the Grudge- Match mascot/posterboy/uber-reference subject. The lesser reasons first: Mr. T has the one-liner material to rival any current professional wrestler. He also has a sense of tradition and humor in great adversity; as he dressed up a chicken (possibly rubber) while facing off against this very adversary.

But the real reason why Mr. T is going to win this match is that he is not Scottish. While this is in fact a flaw and a possible weakness when toughguy-style combat is involved, Mr. T is not a Scot, Mr. T was wearing a kilt on television, Mr. T is not the victim of a drunken Scottish lynch type mob. There. Either the Scottish have enough respect for his toughness not to try to make him into haggis, or the mob was unsuccessful, and Mr. T has a new collection of Scottish jewelry.

- Kerfledgeon

Anybody worthy of being the Grudge Match mascot must be able to earn the respect of the other contestants. How the heck can Jesse Ventura do that when two time Grudge loser Predator was able to easily take him out, while Ventura was packing a Big Friggin' Gun to boot? Sure, Mr. T lost to Macguyver, but that was while being dragged down by the rest of the A-Team; given his victory over Mr. Clean and occasional cameo in responses to crush both contestants, I think he has demonstrated enough skill to shut down any contestant who gives him the slightest mouthing off. Besides, if we get a politician as a Grudge Mascot, his political enemies will keep hauling us before Congress to testify about every stain on our clothes (they'll never buy that it's just blood) until they have something they can use against Ventura in the next election. Unless we can gain the aid of Senator Death in this matter, the result would be too terrible to imagine. Keep Mr. T, the once and future Grudge Mascot!

- "Mad Dog" Mike

HOLY COW!! Please tell me you didn't just say that EVERY Grudgematch participant was going to be in the same room at the same time! Please don't tell me you purposefully put Barney, Wesley, Roseanne, Rosie O'Donnell, Microsoft, Geraldo Rivera, and the Friends gang in the same place! Our collective souls cannot survive!

Who on earth could ref this match? Who could keep order in this madness? Who can keep Alf from flying into the ring and grappling Mr. T around the ankles screaming something about 10-10-220? Who can keep The Predator from tearing a new hole in Jesse's chest again, or keep Richard Dawson from telling him "This isn't a game, Captain Freedom! They're betting on RICHARDS up there!" Who can keep control when Godzilla is eating the Raptors, and King Kong is batting the Enterprise, the Borg ship, the ID4 Mothership and the Death Star out of the sky (speaking of which, where could you hold this thing?) Who can control Vader, Palpatine, Yoda, Q, Kosh and the Crocodile Hunter? Who has the power to keep all these in check?

It is an important question, because if Jesse follows his typical wrestling MO, he will either bribe or threaten the referee, or if this proves impossible, knock him unconscious and proceed to cheat his heart out. It must be said that this is Jesse's area of expertise and not Mr. T's. Even if Mr. T was the main event at Wrestlemania I, by Wrestlemania 2, he was getting bodyslammed by a man in a dress. Jesse knows how a Lumber jack match works--throw your opponent out of the ring to a place where the people really don't like him. So, T may find himself fighting against Vader, Kenobi, the Terminator, and Mr. Clean more than against the Body Politic. One must admit, the deck is stacked in favor of Ventura.

That said, it is also a wrestling tradition that eventually right and truth must prevail. T's gonna throw that sucka helluva far!

- DarthCovenant

One simple litmus test: When you see Jesse Ventura in a business suit, you see a man that you want to like. When you see Mr. T in a business suit, you see a man that you don't want to punch you in the throat because you're the one who put him in the goddamn suit.

- Charge Man

OK, you guys are seriously considering hiring a bulky, bald-headed wrestler as your spokesperson? Don't want people confusing you with Celebrity Deathmatch (not worthy of TM).

Explain myself, you say? Fine. The following are my list of reasons, in no particular order, of why Mr. T should remain the reigning champion of the Grudge.

reason#1: Not only did T used to be a bouncer, but he also stepped into the ring against Rocky (TM). (Sure he eventually lost to Rocky, but it was Rocky's movie fer chrissakes!) And as Grudge Match precedent has taught us:
Boxers (even the fictional movie variety) > Wrestlers (even retired ones)

reason#2: You cite the kilt Mr. T is so dashingly attired in as though it were a disadvantage, but I see it another way. People to walk around in a breezy, plaid, call-it-a-skirt-and-I'll-rip-yer- tongue-out,kilt takes CAJONES. (Hell, I'm female and I wouldn't be caught in public wearing one.) Yet the fact that T has gotten to the ring without being slapped around or publicly humiliated beyond repair speaks volumes for his character. He may also gain the support of fellow kilt-wearers William Wallace and Groundskeeper Willie, who would most likely be more than willing to distract "the Body" by giving him a flashing of their Pasty Scottish Arses (TM). Also kilts would provide much more flexibility than those shiny purple disco pants that Ventura's wearing (which I can only assume would give him the support of the Village People and Barney).

reason#3: T has brought a rubber chicken into the ring. This is perhaps meant to symbolize Grudge Match's, um, chicken-like need to....uh, erm...peck at all we desire, or, uh...the yearning we have to shed our feathers and be free.....OK so the chicken has no meaning! But rubber chickens are both funny and cool, dammit!!! Besides, he'd have the support of both Beavis and Butthead.

"Hey, Beavis, check it out. That guy's choking his chicken, huh, huh- huh, huh, huh...."
"Heh-heh, oohhh,yeah, cool, heh,heh."
I'm not sure how much of an advantage that would give him but hey what the hell.

After Mr. T wins, he will reward his supporter's with the best savings on collect calls, and will turn on those who dared to doubt him, starting by throwing Mark into the dungeon with Carrot-top for daring to speak his name in the same breath as the all might T!!!

- Insert cool-sounding name here (huh-huh, she said "insert")

One word for why Ventura falls...Abraxas. My stepfather bought this atrocity on DVD when they got a large screen tv and all the extras. It was one of the first DVDs he bought, and he didn't know anything about it other than the fact it was not an expensive DVD. We watched it and found out why it was so cheap. Mr T. has never done anything so horrible, so capable of dropping the viewer's IQ, as this movie. If you made Ventura your mascot, you'd only be harming him, because I'm sure I'm not the only person who watched Abraxas, well I might be one of the few people to have watched it completely (I used to be an optimist prior to this movie). Anyway, some other people probably watched it, and unless they had just had lobotomy surgery, the movie made them mad. Mad enough to where they'd have to Tonya Harding your new mascot or much worse. For Ventura's sake, the sake of those tobacco juice swallowing fools who voted for him, don't deprive them of their governmental representative! I thank you gentlemen.

- Pareeha

Wait a sec... Aren't you using the logo the WWF specifically told you NOT to use? (looks over his shoulder) Ah, crap. Vince McMahon and his Lawyer Goons are coming. Gotta Split - Bye!

- The Colonel

What is it you're looking for in a mascot? Traditionally, mascots serve two purposes: 1) To symbolize the ideals of its brand and 2)to put the audience in the correct mindframe to be ready for the event to come.

Let's start with #1: Grudge Match wants to convey a spirit of pop culture super-iconography kicking pop culture semi-iconology's weak ass. It wants to say, "Yes, I am cool enough to drive a battle wagon." Grudge Match teaches us that it was okay to watch a few episodes of Matlock, if only so we can confirm the fact that Perry Mason would smoke that geezer like it ain't no thing. The very sight of that mascot should invoke represent the spirit of the bygone era that we hope someday returns in glory. This is why we must choose T. The only other things that come close to embodying the spirit of the '80's (TV's most sublimely ridiculous era) are Rubik's Cube and Flock of Seagulls, and neither of those can kick ass OR drive a battlewagon.

#2: An audience member for Grudge Match must be ready to open the proverbial can o' whoopass, to examine their own memories, to laugh aloud. When I look at T, I can feel the Bad Attitude, I remember the boxing episode (where he was drugged and still won the fight), and I see that one of a kind "'frohawk" on his head and begin to chortle. When I see Jesse Ventura now, I think of commentary with Gorilla Monsoon, I think of "Captain Freedom" in "The Running Man" (what the hell was up with that guy?), and I think "Legal prostitution? What a good idea," but I do not feel the need to beat down Lambchop for the Muppet reject that she was (God rest her soul).

Mr. T must be the Grudge Match mascot. Anything else would force me to seriously question my existence (and I just don't have time for that.)

- Kairo

Now, most of the time, one must delve deeply into critical analysis of given situations to determine the victor, but not in this case. No, I'm glad to say that this battle may be reduced to a simple factor. THE CHICKEN.

Yessir, just LOOK at that kilt-wearin' poultry. Both Jesse and T are looking at the feathered fiend, because, as is not shown by the photograph, the CHICKEN HAS BEEN GIVEN LIFE. Awakened by the presence of so many members of the WWWF, the Chicken has been animated with the spirit of none other than The Almighty Grudge.

The 5 Elements of the Grudge merge (as some NY taxi driver says, "Hey! That looks familiar..."). Iron Fist(tm), Mentos Coolness (tm), Fanboy Fanaticism(tm), The Rage(tm), and Mr. T (tm) have all finally joined as one to open a collective can of WHOOP-@$$ on Jesse Ventura. The Governor wets his pants as he sees Mr. T and the Chicken merge into the Great and Terrible Grudge, and kneels as he pleads for mercy.

The Grudge reaches out and grabs Jesse by the throat and pulls him close, glaring with eyes that burn with the fires of hell focused through perfect RAGE.

And yae, the Great Grudge's voice didst rise like the wind from the West, and yae, it didst speak unto the Infidel, and it didst say: I pity da foo' who mess wit' da Grudge.

Jesse is never seen again. Mark is found 6 months later rocking back and forth in a public park somewhere in Nebraska mumbling the words "Gary Coleman in the first round." over and over to himself.

Mr. T, the Grudge God, gold-plates the chicken and hangs it about his neck.

- -The Mad Josher

You have to hand it to someone who can go by only one name (Elvis, Lincoln, Santa...). But to be able to go by only one letter? That takes an ungodly amount of MONDO RADNESS(tm[R{copyright 1969}]). Period.

- Greg, and the Masters of Everything.

Hmm. Let me think. Mr. T. "Toughest Man In the World." Defender of children everywhere. Professional mohawked psycho. Self-proclaimed spokesman for milk. Helluva strong. Owns a helluva fast van. In person, surprisingly one of the nicest people in the world.

Jesse Ventura. Ugly, chunky white boy. Has a chin that very closely resembles a bagel. Bald as a baby's backside. Politician.

Any site that uses Jesse Ventura as a mascot is really scraping the bottom of the barrel. For Grudge Match's own sake, Mr. T wins so that we dedicated Grudgies don't have to see Ventura's gnarly barely- evolved former-wrestler face every time we visit the site.

Plus, come on... It's the T. NOBODY beats the T. EVER!

- The Mysterious Dr. X

Yes doesn't taconite sound like a key ingredient at a Mexican Restaurant????

- BIGMRG74 *rainbow wig, and hotbranch 3:16 shirt standing outside the Joe Louis Arena, with a sign saying "I need tickets!!!"

I want Mr. T to win, but he can't and here's why:

Mr. T isn't just in the ring, he's also 3 lumberjacks- once from his fight with Mr. Clean, once as a member of the A Team, and once from TOC I. There are only two possible explanations for multiple T's: time travel or alternate realities. With Marty McFly and Bill & Ted in attendence, time travel is a possibility, but too much of a long shot.

The 3 T's, therefore, must be from alternate universes. All Mr. T has to do is be thrown out of the ring (this is wrestling, it has to happen) to see an alternate version of himself. After he encounters a version of himself from a different plane of reality, he'll either go insane or cause a massive rip in the very fabric of time and space that will negate himself from all existence. Governor Body wins.

- Thrillhouse

Coming off yet another trouncing of the Star Trek franchise, it seems apt to measure our combatants by their proximity to this victory-sucking black hole. Reruns of Star Trek: The Next Generation run exclusively on TNN, which coincidentally also airs reruns of The A-Team. This would be a deadly blow to Mr. T, except that TNN further runs weekly extravaganzas from the WW-whatever they're called, Jesse Ventura's old wrestling outfit. (No, not the feathered-boa kind of outfit. I was trying to avoid mentioning that, thank you.)

So it looks like a draw, until you gaze farther afield. The WWW(Wimp-out to Wildlife Weenies) has another show on UPN. An association with the dumping ground for CBS's lamest shows is bad enough, but the fact that this, ahem, network also airs Enterprise, the 5th Star Trek series, is the atomic pile-driver to Jesse's solar plexus. The only association T has with them is an occasional telephone company commercial, and that's no contest.

Besides, Ventura took to bragging once about how many Filipino girls he, er, pinned during his Navy SEAL days. I suspect he has at least a dozen strains of venereal disease coursing through his veins, and any doctor will tell you that extreme stress makes you more susceptible to illness. Halfway during this match, Jesse's going to be diverted by a burning sensation in a sensitive area, and that loss of concentration will guarantee that he doesn't keep that sensitive area for much longer.

Mr. T not only stays on with WWWF, but 'persuades' Mark to give him his corner office at WWWF Towers. And his key to the executive washroom. And his lunch money.

- Call me Shane

Theoretically, this could be the largest "All Mangled and Killed" in the history of Grudge Match. *Darth Sidious mode ON* Wipe them out... ALL of them...

- anonymous

I am going to crawl into a very deep hole for a long, long time until I have a governor who doesn't believeably go up against AT&T spokesmen with 20 pounds of jewelry.

- Ashamed Minnesotan

The primary job duty of the Grudge Match™ Mascot is to exude Mentos™ Level Coolness™ 24/7. Let's forget the "glories" of the past and take a look at our contestant's current jobs and the coolness thereof.

Mr. T
Job: Movie/TV Actor
While you won't see T accepting an Oscar™ or Emmy™ anytime soon, he does happen to have a job that is considered one of the coolest on Earth, one which millions of people dream of having. Who wouldn't want to be a movie star?
Jobs With Similar Coolness And Respect Quotients: Fighter pilot, Grudge Match™ Commentator, New York City Firefighter.

Jesse Ventura
Job: Governor of Minnesota
Let's say that again slowly: Governor..........of Minnesota. Being a Governor places Jesse in the ultra-cool company of people like George Pataki and Michael Dukakis. But Minnesota, the State which has as it's constitutional preamble "Attention, Kmart Shoppers,"...the State that contains Lake Wobegone...the State whose chief exports are taconite, moose droppings and recent high school graduates desperate to live anywhere else...I mean, that's just plain sad.
Jobs With Similar Coolness And Respect Quotients: Equivalent to Governor- Personal Injury Lawyer, Telemarketing Rep, Used Car Salesman, Celebrity Death Match Commentator. Equivalent to Governor of Minnesota- Camel Enema Technician at the Kabul Jiffy Lube™.

Quick, before you get any other stupid ideas, sign Mr. T up on a 10 year contract! And let's agree to never speak of this dark moment in our history again.

- Mr. Silverback- Did you notice that the Minnesotan commentator foolishly bet on the white guy?

If Mr T is driving and the Body is riding shotgun to deliver the votes for the TOC, how can I ensure that my votes are arriving in a timely manner?

- -thebaumbomb

T has the Almighty behind him. Has given the credit for his A- Team fame to God. Has also appeared in one of those Christian "end-of-the-world" videos -- as a good guy.

V has come out totally against Christianity.

Thus saith the Genius, "Yea, verily hath the Lord layeth the Royal Almighty Smacketh-Down(TM) on V."
I pitieth the fool who doth vaunteth himself against the Almighty and His cohorts.....

- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie

As everyone unlucky enough to have seen "C*l*br*ty D**thm*tch" knows, effeminate, moustachioed, bald wrestlers on TV are the preserve of inferior Grudge Match knock-offs.

Accordingly, I'm voting for the one with originali-T.

- The Nestbeschmutzer

For the love of god, why are so many people voting for Mr. T?! That twit couldn't beat Jesse if he had the entire A-team for backup (well, that would actually be a hindrance, but you get my point). The only thing dangerous about that %&^$ is his smell. The way I see it Jesse will whip out his mini-gun (from the movie Predator) and dice T into gold and red giblets. As Mr. T lies dying on the ground he'll probably say something stupid like, "I pity da fool who fill me wit lead."

Take that all you A-team lovers (aka Morons).

- IRS Turd

Allright, I love Jesse Ventura, and yeah, he's an ex-Marine and all... but it's Mr. T. MR.-MOTHER-LOVING-T! The icon of toughness (not to mention Mentos-level coolness)!

If Ventura becomes Grudge Match's new mascot, I will personally run amok on all the GM commentators in alphabetical order. Hear that, BRENDAN and BRIAN?

- The HeartBurn Kid, revving up to run amok

Hmmm... Brendan's office now has a sign that reads Zach Zuckerman. -Ed.

The fight proceeds as all expected, with much trash talkin' and "I pity the fool-ing". As the match continues,the former grudge-match conestants enter, sorrounding the ring. Included are: Aliens(from the movie of the same name) Velociraptors, CuJo, a deranged postal worker, a Rottwiler and it's wieght in chihuahuas. Tensions grow as fists fly and kicks land. Finnaly, Bart Simpson, in the audience, readies a slingshot. Aming at Jesse Ventura's large bald head,(He banned the Simpsons from Minnesota immediately upon their arrival, ruining another vacation) and lets loose, the rock hits home, and stuns Jesse. Dazed, he trips over the rope and POW!!!!!!!!! is in the middle of a bunch of savage and hungry beasts. He is immediately consumed, but however, the blood has let loose a savage instinct that makes them crave MORE!! Taking out Mr. T easily, the group splits up after the audience. Bart's last words are " I didn't do it" as shortly after, he is mobbed by the pack of chihuahuas and eaten.

- Dillon Sparks

I pity da fool who had to read though everybody's "I pity da fool" jokes.

- Elle

Note to our fans: Thanks for sticking with us for these past 200 matches.
Remember, for all your pop culture comedy needs, choose Grudge Match Brand™ products.


In 2002, a crack commando mascot was sent to the Grudge Match Arena by an emergency council for a contest he could in no way lose....


If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Michael Jordan v. Tiger Woods (WWWF Spokesperson competition)
Mr. T v. Mr. Clean
Wrestlers v. Boxers

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Next Match: Why is there never an Axel Foley around when you need one?
ETA: Monday, June 17th, 2002

© 2002, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC