Tournament of Champions I: Escape from the Death Star @ WWWF Grudge Match

World Wide Web Fights presents
WWWF GRUDGE MATCH

The Setting

Darth Vader hunches over his desk, muttering. "Stupid imperial tax forms. You'd think we could clone some accountants or something. I mean really..." Vader, suddenly realizing that he is no longer alone, looks up.

"Hello there, tall, dark and wheezy (tm, Michele Liguori)," quips an unfamiliar looking man in full Grand Moff dress. "How do I look? Granted, it's not as stylish as your outfit, but I think it helps me fit in. Oh, allow me to introduce myself. Q's the name, and revenge is my game." Vader, enraged, rises to his feet and reaches for his weapon. "Uh-uh. We'll have none of that." Vader grabs for a light sabre that is no longer there. "Sit down, Darth. Can I call you Darth?" With a wave of his hand, Q sends Vader back into his chair.

"I'd say you boys cleaned up nicely after that run in with John McClane," continues Q. A confused and stunned Vader does not respond. "Oh, that's right... I suppose your puny mind cannot see alternate realities such as that. No matter. Well, to make a long story short, there's this website called 'WWWF Grudge Match', that you obviously are not familiar with or you would be twice dead by now, that recently had the nerve to pit me up against that pathetic emperor of yours. And can you believe that I lost? Absurd. So, as a measure of revenge, I have hijacked their fourth annual tournament of champions, which is actually their first, but that's a temporal confusion that I'm sure would blow your mind if I tried to explain it to you.

"Simply put: the Death Star and all its little stormtroopers are contestants in and host of this tournament. To make things interesting, I have placed the 7 other contestants in 7 different locations near the center of your space station. One of these contestants I think you know rather well..."

"Yes," says Vader, finally breaking his silence. "I sense something... a presence I haven't felt since--"

"Ah, yes," interrupts Q. "That 'Force' thing of yours... very cute. Allow me to finish. Each of those 7 contestants have been instructed that they must try to get off the Death Star, and to be the first to do so. As soon as the first of those 7 gets off the Death Star, I will blow it up, along with all aboard. If by some chance you and your men should happen to capture and kill all 7 before they can do so, I won't blow it up."

Vader again stands up. "Your powers are weak, old man." Vader thrusts out his hand in an attempt to choke Q.

Q sighs, and Vader is thrown across the room and pinned against the wall. "You really should listen to me, Vader, if you want to have any chance to live. And don't even think of trying to bail on everybody like you did before... I mean like you will do... oh, nevermind. Go rent Episode IV if you want to figure that one out."

Q releases his grip on Vader, who falls to the floor. Dazed, Vader begins to nod. "Very well. I accept your terms."

Q saunters across the room, and leans over to peer into Vader's mask. "Well that's good, Darth, because you really don't have any choice now, do you? Let the game begin."

Khan, Terminator, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Hannibal Lecter, Mr. T, MacGyver, A Rottweiler, Death Star with Stormtroopers

Khan
vs.
Terminator
vs.
Obi-Wan Kenobi
vs.
Hannibal Lecter
vs.
Mr. T
vs.
MacGyver
vs.
A Rottweiler
vs.
Death Star with Stormtroopers

The Commentary

Following our Tournament of Champions tradition, we will hold off on any 8-way commentary to allow you, the viewer, more leeway in your voting and responses. Plus, we're lazy.

The Results

Mr. T (910 - 21.4%)

throws

MacGyver (828 - 19.5%)

Death Star with Stormtroopers (559 - 13.1%)

Obi-Wan Kenobi (505 - 11.9%)

Terminator (504 - 11.8%)

Hannibal Lecter (404 - 9.5%)

Rottweiler (401 - 9.4%)

Khan (145 - 3.4%)

helluva far

You can view the Tournament Of Champions I Nomination vote totals here.

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Voter Comments

This response file was so big that we've now run out of adjectives to describe the fist we had to use on it. We had to slice out over 75% of the 573k response file (old record: 402k). So, obviously, a lot of decent stuff ended up on the floor. The editors are going to take a nap now.

RESPONSE OF THE WEEK GRUDGIE (TM)

First of all, where's the "Q gets mangled and killed and never appears in a single Grudge Match scenario again" button? Second, I'd just like to say that a first-year Tournament of Champions without Gary Coleman is a farce, a sham, and a double-farce. Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Grudge Match? In fact, none of the really cool, old-fashioned pop-culture figures made it into this match. No Colonel Blake, no Gilligan, nobody before 1977, really. My grim conclusion is that the nominating for this match was mostly done by Fanboys (tm). And what reinforces this conclusion is that most of the competitors share the primary characteristic of Fanboys (tm), namely the inability to get a woman. Yet this action-packed Grudge Match (tm) can only be settled by determining which one of these pansies has enough testosterone to give him the edge (testosterone, adrenalin, it's all the same, who cares, I'm not in science).

Okay, the Terminator has the excuse of being a robot and thus unable to get or give no Satisfaction (tm), though being a robot never stopped Data, and it's pretty pathetic to be less studly than a TNG character. Hannibal Lecter doesn't appear to have gotten lucky either, but to be fair he usually had bars and that muzzle thing separating him from Clarice (and you thought it was just meant to keep him from eating her). But what's Obi Wan's excuse? Are you telling me with all that Force mind-control power, he had nothing better to do than control some Stormtrooper's mind (such as it is)? Come to think of it, neither Obi-Wan nor Yoda ever told Luke about the potential effectiveness of the Force for telekinetically undressing women, something even Scott "Chachi" Baio figured out how to do in the movie Zapped!. This suggests that Jedi Knights are required to take a celibacy oath like Catholic Priests (that explains the propensity of Jedi Knights to hang around young boys). And the sexual frustration of the pathetic futuristic Klansmen on the Death Star has already been definitively addressed in Steve and Brian's commentary on the Ensigns vs. Stormtroopers match. Geez, even a fictional, geeky Star Wars fanboy like Dave on NewsRadio managed to score with Maura Tierney (hubba, hubba), yet his heroes from LucasLand can't even get anywhere with the merely average-looking Princess. So the current welcome Star Wars losing streak will continue due to overwhelming lack of manhood.

Almost as pathetic, though I wouldn't tell him so to his face, is Mr. T. Remember "Amy," the female reporter who was an honorary member of the A-Team in the earliest and best episodes? She was reasonably attractive, and Mr. T had by far the best shot with her, given that Face was busy flirting with farmers' daughters, Murdock was mainly attracted to trash bags (tm), and Hannibal couldn't have sex with anyone due to the 103 venereal diseases he contracted as Banacek (there's an old Polish proverb: womanizing insurance investigators will sleep with anyone except possibly Ralph Manza). But did Mr. T ever seize his opportunity with Amy before she was booted off the show? No, because he was too busy with that homoerotic love-hate thing he had with Murdock. What a gold-laden maroon!

Khan is closer to the the manly ideal -- he did, after all, come pretty close to bagging one of those miniskirted soft-focused blondes in "Space Seed" -- but his problem is that he can't hold onto a woman once he gets her, a fact exemplified by Ricardo Montalban's short, but revealing, career in Broadway musicals. In Seventh Heaven (1955) he got the girl, but then lost her in the middle of act 1, after which she went blind or crazy or something (who cares, it was a flop). In Jamaica (1957), he played a Jamaican fisherman -- I'm not making this up -- whose girlfriend, played by Lena Horne, spent the whole evening ignoring him and running after a slick dude from New York. And why wouldn't she ignore Khan, when he kept singing fake calypso songs like "The Monkey In the Mango Tree?" Which brings us to the opening lyrics of his big song in Seventh Heaven "I never felt younger / I never felt gayer / I never had this feeling before." If that's not revealing, I don't know what is. Khan is out, but on the bright side, Jamaica actually has a pretty good score.

Now, I've seen MacGyver with women sometimes -- which differentiates him from any other science geek I've ever known -- and, within the context of what was basically a family show, he actually had reasonably good luck with them. But his very irresistibility to women will cause him separate and unique problems when his biggest fans, Patty and Selma Bouvier, sneak onto the Death Star to try and get a date with their hero. The sexual advances of these chain-smoking, hairy-legged females will turn MacGyver off women permanently. If they're naked, he may even be driven to experiment with homosexuality, in which case he, the Stormtroopers, Obi-Wan and Mr. T will organize a Death Star Gay Pride rally right then and there.

Which leaves us with the rottweiler as the winner. He ain't pretty, but I've never seen a male dog who didn't occasionally manage to get some action with the local bitches (in the literal, not figurative sense). Odd that the dog should turn out to be the manliest one here, but facts are facts: even dogs who have been spayed or neutered (tm) have more luck with the opposite sex than Mr. T and all the Star Wars characters combined.

And when it's all over, a pissed-off Gary Coleman gets Mr. Drummond to buy the goddamn Q continuum and have Q fired... out of a post-apocalyptic torpedo tube. REVENGE IS SWEET INDEED!

- Captain Corcoran [if Mr. T reads this, please don't tell him my real name]

ROTW (tm) Silver Medal Grudgie (tm)

Mr. T will obviously triumph. His well developed skills of manufacturing weapons/tanks from toothpaste tubes and sellotape will allow him to manufacture demolition tools from the shoddy 1977 props lying around. Then it's just a simple matter of his smashing down the plasterboard walls of the fake Death Star until he reaches the outside edge. Of course, once he reaches apparent safety, he "ain't gettin' on no goddamn spaceship", so he'll have to trick himself into eating a drugged cheeseburger before he affects his (unconscious) escape. Simplicity itself.

- Keyser Soze

ROTW (tm) Bronze Medal Grudgie (tm)

All I know is that we can rule out the Terminator from the very beginning. In the first Terminator movie, Termie lost precious time by paging through the phone book for every Sarah Connor that he could find, since his mission was to 'get' Sarah Conner.

Q said that "each of the 7 contestants have been instructed that they must try to get off the Death Star, and to be the first to do so." The Terminator, being a killing machine and everything, assumes that his next mission is to eliminate or, in other words, get some guy named 'Off-The-Death-Star.' Because of this, he'll waste too much time looking through Darth Vader's phone book for a target that doesn't exist, while a smarter contestant (oh, say, the Rottweiler) beats him to the exit.

- Anonymous

My, oh my.

Well, let's get started with some eliminations.

Khan: lost to Kirk. Forget it.
Terminator: lost to Sarah Connor. As if.
Death Star: lost to Rebels, and to John McClane. Never mind.

Now that we have the losers out of the way, we can figure this out.

The rottweiler runs into Obi-Wan on its way to the shuttle bay.
"Good dog... you don't want to eat me... you want to take a nice nap. I'm not the bone you're looking for."
The rottweiler sleeps out the rest of the match.

Hannibal meets Mr. T in a hallway. He tries to pull some psychological thing on T, but T's not havin' it.
"I'm gonna be somebody, not be somebody's food! Fool!"
A quick punch and Lecter's down for the count.

MacGyver and Kenobi encounter each other next.
"Stay back, old man, I have a blaster made of a pinecone and a coat hanger!" A gesture, and the ersatz blaster flies to the floor.
"Um, I have some gum... hold on a second..."
Kenobi ignores this and clouds MacGyver's mind, who becomes confused and rushes off in the direction of a trash compactor.

Finally, just outside the shuttle bay, Mr. T and Obi-Wan Kenobi collide.
"Get outta my way, fool! I'm gettin' off this scrap heap!"
"Put down your fists. If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can imagine."
"That's enough mystical jibber-jabber from you!"
A quick left, and Kenobi's robe falls to the ground, empty.

T walks past the TIE Fighter, the TIE Interceptor, and the Imperial shuttle until he sees his trusty GMC Van parked at the end of the hangar. As he drives off into space, Q shakes his head, snaps his fingers (causing the Death Star to explode A-Team style) and mutters, "That guy is helluva tough!"

- Denis "Party like it's 1995" Moskowitz

Here's how this geekfest shakes out:

Khan: A strong contender, but spends too much time on the intercom making complicated, threatening metaphors and is caught by a squad of Stormtroopers and gunned down.

Terminator: He's a Terminator, which means he has no instict towards self preservation. All he does is kill humans. He spends the entire match killing Stormtroopers, until they finally lure him into the trash compactor. (Well, not so much "lure him into" as "unsuccesfully hide in." Either way, he gets smashed into aluminum foil.)

Obi-Wan Kenobi: We already know what happens when you put Obi-Wan and Darth Vader on the same Death Star: an empty brown robe. He's a goner.

Hannibal Lecter: Master of escape, sure. Psychotic genius? You bet. Great cook? Fantastic, but don't ask for the recipe. But can he pilot a TIE Fighter? The enourmous carbon burn on the back wall of the hangar says: no.

Mr. T: Mr. T almost wins it early on, but mere steps away from freedom, the public gets sick of him again and he implodes in a vortex of negative celebrity. That's gotta hurt.

MacGyver: MacGyver's mastery High School chemistry is useless on the high-tech Death Star. He's beaten to death by a protocol droid.

Rottweiler: Another strong contender early on, the rottie is taken out of the race when he starts rooting for snacks in the trash compactor and is eaten by the Dianoga.

Deathstar with Stormtroopers: The Pinto of the Stars finally comes out on top.

- Mac Hume

For every religion/faith/random gathering of fanaticists (yes, this includes "Warsies"), there are rules: - The Jews don't eat pork - The Catholics observe Ash Wednesday/Good Friday - The Wiccans adhere to the old "An harm ye none" rule - The Warsies steadfastly refuse to bathe regularly. My point? Although the Holy Grudge Empire (TM) has yet to declare itself a religion (though, if those "Jedi" yahoos in the U.K. can dare to do it, the Grudgeverse is probably not far behind), I'm sure that, once it did, rules would need to be established. And the number one, cardinal rule of this fledgling faith would undoubtedly be: NEVER VOTE AGAINST THE T! (Special "Hellfire and Brimstone" TM) Go now, my children, to better serve the T...

- The REVEREND RoboGoober98

As the seven contestants converge upon the escape hatch, Darth Shatner presses a button opening the Ark of the Covenant, which for some reason unbeknownst to many, gives each of the contestants a glimpse at the up and coming future. The... POP CULTURE FUTURE. (thunderous blare of a bassoon).

Khan (Ricardo Montelban) finds himself staring at a small tuxedoed midget giggling at a copy of Naked Gun. "What were you thinking, boss? Shouldn't have left that damn island."

Obi Wan Kenobi (Alec Guinness) sees dirt. Because he's dead.

Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger) stares into a dark moist tunnel. A bantha cave? No, he realizes with shock as he is birthed into the world in placental glory, and handed over to his parents: Danny Devito, and..... HIMSELF.

MacGayver (Richard Dean Anderson) sees the Stargate. "I'm in the spinoff series based on a Kurt Russell and James Spader vehicle? I'm beyond B-Movie actor. I've plunged into the nether regions of C- Star."

Hannibal Lechter (Anthony Hopkins) sees thick pulpy goodness as Thomas Harris's skull-cap is peeled away to reveal brain matter. Licking his lips, suddenly, his tongue halts mid-loll as Harris mutters to himself, "Hmm. For this third book, perhaps we should give Clarice another southern-accented sidekick. Someone with spunk. Britney Spears will join the cast."

Mr. T (Mister Tee) finds God in the Ark of the Covenant. Unfortunately, God is paging through the latest manuscript for Left Behind #21, mumbling to himself distractedly, "Rayford? Who in the &#$! names their child Rayford? That does it. I'm calling Satan and getting his publicist."

The Storm Troopers see themselves in the Ark of the Covenant. One by one they remove their white helmets to reveal..... N'Sync. "Dude, this is totally fresh. Told you, we'd be here. It's mad dope, yo!" Gazing into their near futures makes each of them shudder with horror and disolve into puddle of pink fleshy chili-salsa, which Lechter would find delicious were he not one of them.

The Rottweiler, who was licking his balls at the time of the opening of the Ark, never noticed anything. Eventually, he finds the exit and victory.

- VooDooPork (The Other White Meat)

The Terminator is the only one who isn't a nerdy geezer. Therefore, he wins.

- Hatinsis Garamna

Let's break it down for each person.
The rottweiler. A tough competitor, coming from fine Germanic warmongering stock. But it's easily distracted by chihuahuas. And if Spaceball One had a zoo, you can bet that the Death Star does (it's on level 25, next to the rendering plant). All it'll take will be one whiff of chihuahua piss, and the beast is off.
Next up, Khan. Through some freak occurance, he and Hannibal Lecter have appeared close to each other. Sure, Khan is genetically engineered to conquer. But that only provides more motivation for Lecter to make a meal out of him (with Fava beans and a fine Chianti, of course). And since being transported through time, space, and a few dimensions can give a man a mighty hunger, he'll shortly be off, looking for his next meal.
Which brings us to Obi-Wan. Once Lecter gets close enough for Kenobi to sense the pure evil within him (we won't count being British, since Kenobi is too), he simply uses the Force to strangle the cannibal.
Which is when he meets up with the Terminator. Being a machine, it is impervious to Kenobi's mind control tricks, and there's only so many things the Jedi can throw at it before he has to take a breather. Which is when the Terminator takes that lightsaber and sticks it someplace...unpleasant. (don't tell me some machines aren't malicious towards humans; ever tried to get money from an ATM in a foreign country?)
And now we finally see some stormtroopers. Being stormtroopers, they die in great numbers. But it keeps the Terminator occupied long enough for the last two contestants to have their epic battle. That's right, it all comes down to MacGyver and Mr. T.
Now granted, Mr. T is one bad mother-SHUT YO'MOUTH!!! I'm just talkin' bout Mr. T... Uh, anyway, it's between Mr. T. and MacGyver. Grudge Match history has shown us that MacGyver can beat the A-Team. And Mr. T is the very embodiment of the A-Team. MacGyver, though battered and bloody, will manage to make it to a spare TIE fighter, and escape the ball of expanding plasma that was the Death Star.

- Matt L., "Nem"

To all those who didn't vote for Mr. T: Boy, did you ever come to the wrong website.

- Charge Man - "Ain't no gadget boy gonna take me by surprise twice, sucka!"

Honestly, this one comes down to music. The theme songs for MacGyver and the A-team sucked, so those two are out. Rottweillers don't have any music. Gone. that leaves Khan, Obi-Wan, Arnold, and the Death Star. Khan had some cheesy new agey garbage, Obi-wan got the short end of the Star Wars Music. That leaves the Imperial March and "Bad to the Bone." Terminator. No question.

- Jack McMasters

MacGyver wins easily. He was, after all, able to defeat the A-Team, which includes MR. T. Anyone who can do that cannot be defeated. At least, not in the Grudge Match.

- James

I think Obi-Wan Kenobi would win this match because he would kick the crap out of all the opponents because he has THE FORCE with him.He would just use it to beat them in just seconds.Does Mr.T have it? No way!!!!!!! I know Mr.T is your sponsor and all but come on.He is just an out-of-work doing 1-800 COLLECT comericals because he needs work No Offense.I admit i am not a Star Wars superfan but Obi Wan would win just like Yoda in the Second TOC and will bring another TOC title for the STAR WARS clan! OH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! P.s No Offense to Mr.T

- Mike W

Under normal circumstances, I would vote for the Death Star, after all, it only takes one flip of a switch and all doors would close, and the air in the chamers where the seven contestants were standing would immediately have all the air sucked out of them. However, since we're having stormtroopers do the job, they are doomed to lose. I don't care if they can beat red-shirted ensigns, anyone can do that; usually the smallest thing a trooper could hit would be the side of a barn, but only if it didn't move so fast. Since we've left security in the hands of these klutzes, they're automatically eliminated. Now, while all of the contestants are pretty formidable, you might think this would be a pretty tough match, but there's one who has two advantages none of the rest has, and all the others that they have as well (except for the cybernetic implants of the Terminator and the teeth of the rottweiler).

This is Obi-Wan Kenobi, who has not only the lighsaber that can cut through any blast door, but he also has the Force, which he can use to convince everyone else that the exit is in the opposite direction, leading them to the core, so they get vaporized even sooner. While everyone else is getting irradiated, he goes to one of the docking bays, convinces the security guard that he is a pilot, and simply goes away with one of the shuttles, hyperspacing out immediately to avoid the blast.

- DataDroid

Hannibal Lecter has to win, it is a certanty. The big issue is everyone else will be busy. Darth Vader and Obi-Wan will be busy fighting each other. Mr T. and MacGyver will fight each other (Mr. T is still mad about the A-Team vs MacGyver bout.) Khan will have to fight the Terminator because Arnold is republican and hates gays, and lets face Khan does dress the part. Hannibal's only real compitition would be the Rottweiler except the rottweiler will be busy munching on R2D2. That leaves only one other to stop Hannibal, the storm toopers. Yes the bumbling, moronic guards of the Death Star. Given their tendency toward stupidity, rudness, and easy death, and the fact they are just guards this leg of the match might as well be called HANNIBAL VS BUFFET!! His biggest problem will be getting off the damned station. But he with his psycologist training will just convince Luke that he is a good guy and get out on the Millenium Falcon, then eat all hands.

- Richard Nixon's Head

This is an eeeeeevil match. Too many choices... it makes my head want to explode.

1. Khan - yeah, he's neat. He's a badass. But come on, he thinks in two dimensions. He also thinks he's got a superior intellect. Ain't gonna happen, my friend. There'll be a showdown, and he'll go out with a bang, but he won't make it off the Death Star.

2. Terminator - he'll get sidetracked by the sweet little blond kid trying to save the princess. He might make it close, but he'd breach an airlock trying to blast his way out. I don't put much stock in his thinking processes.

3. Obi-Wan - I love Obi-Wan, I really do, but he'd throw the game. All that honor crap and must-sacrifice-myself-for-Luke-and-the-others blahblahblah. A cockroach has a better chance of surviving a movie than Obi-Wan. Ooo, there's an idea...

4. Hannibal Lecter - with that many tasty people between him and freedom, what cannibal would want to leave?

5. Mr. T - he'd get sidetracked by that blond git too, only he'd actually be useful. Sadly, he'd probably want to actually fight the stormtroopers, thus wasting valuable time. If all these other people were the only competitors, he'd have it in the bag. Or the fro. Either way.

6. MacGyver - Hey, let's make a bomb to explode this Death Star using bubble gum, a toothpick, and some old back issues of TIME! Genius! Dead in 5 due to too much do-gooder attitude. In the words of Dark Helmet, "Evil will always win because good is dumb."

7. Rottwieler - The dog never dies. In movies where the dog does die, it's a tragedy. Besides, Q's got a sick sense of humor, so he'd probably rig it so the dog would win. It's probably his dog, anyway. The bastard.

8. Death Star/Stormtroopers - Oh. Yeah. Like the Empire would win. Shaaaaah. Those white-plated bozos couldn't hit the broad side of Rosie O'Donnell. Of course, that bodes well for the other contestants, but then again, those mofos have Darth to deal with, I suppose. I mean, they could all fall into garbage mashers...

So, rottweiler is the winner. Those bastards can slobber their way out of more dangerous situations.

- The Notorious KJB
Drink your milk, dammit.

Let's look at our contestants...
Khan: Khan fought against Kirk. Khan lost the first time. The Death Star blew Kirk out of the sky. Khan won't get a second chance.
Terminator: I hate to say this, but terminator's best advantage is mentos-level coolness and his supreme durability. Well, his supreme durability comes from being a robot, and in case you haven't noticed, there are robots in the SW universe. He is blown to bits, but in a very cool fashion.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Uuuuuh, are we all forgetting what happened to Obi-Wan the first time? He may be able to set the ship to self-destruct, but once thats done what remains is to get out, but then he'll be chopped in half by Vader.
Hannibal Lecter: I haven't seen this guy, but I'll bet he only kills for food. Once he sits down for dinner over some poor stormtrooper... ZAP! BOOM!
Mr. T: Um, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't he part of the A-Team? Didn't MacGyver beat the A-Team?...
Deathstar with Stormtroopers: Seven fronts at once?! These people get hit by a pilot, a farm boy, an old guy, a moving carpet and two robots that don't even fight. They can only kill the old guy, and they lose a princess in the process! They're going down, no doubt about it.
Rottweiler: Oooh, so close. Nasty thing here, most likely will cut through Stormtroops like soccer hooligans through the French army. Sadly, it will not know to get out of there! It will last to the end, and may wipe out everything on the Death Star, but won't make the match. Perhaps it will get lucky and one of the other contestants will adopt it and get it off the Death Star, but I don't know...
MacGyver: The only contestant left, he will be smart enough to set the Death Star to self-destruct, steal a ship, and get him out of there. WE HAVE A WINNER! Wow, I didn't even know who I was going to vote for until I made this chart...

- Snicker

This match is really quite easy to figure out, once you look at motivations.

Khan leave without trying to use the Death Star to hunt down Kirk? Not a chance.
The Terminator leave without checking to see if Sarah Conner is aboard? Heck, no.
Obi-Wan leave without fighting Vader? Nope.
Hannibal Lecter leave without munching down a few Stormtroopers? No way.
MacGyver leave without trying to help Obi-Wan sabotage the Death Star? Not a chance.
The rottweiler leave without sniffing a few crotches? Not gonna happen.

The only one who has no reason to stay is Mr. T. And since the Stormtroopers are as ineffectual as any of the weekly villains on 'The A-Team,' he'll be out of there before you can say, "I love it when a plan comes together."

- Bookworm

Mr.T gives one mighty yell of "I PITY DA FOO!" and its all over. Stormies have guns, Dogs have bite, Kenobi can fight, and Khan might, the Deathstar can go boom, the Vader can Doom, Lecter can snack, and MacGuyver CAN'T attack, but only Mr. T has the Webcomic Invincibility (tm) and the Throw Helluva Far No Matter Where I Am(tm) clause in his contract... besides, he'll just drive out in his van, which will go through space because it's Helluva(tm) Fast. Don't beleive me? Go to any Mr. T webcomic in the universe, and that's what happens... EVERY... SINGLE... TIME.

- David, Master of Disaster

Upon careful consideration, here is the scenario as I see it: Hannibal and the Rottweiller eat people, so soon there is no one left but a few expendable stormtroopers, Kahn (who is not human), Hannie and Rottie. Both Hannie and Rottie have never tasted Klingon blood, so they team up and take Kahn down together. Disappointed by the high alkalai-content of Kahn's life fluid, Hannibal turns to the Rottweiller. After all, they are delicasies in China. Thus fueled, he then takes on the task of talking softly to the remaining stormtroopers, causing one to start peeling his skin off, and another to swallow his own tongue. Finally, Hannibal makes it to the escape pod which Darth has also entered. Darth, however, is breathing too loudly to notice the slight noise Hannibal makes as he hides in a cargo bin. Who will win that fight? Who knows? Perhaps Hannibal will be having an old fiend for dinner...

- Heidi

I pity the fool that doesn't think Mr. T will escape the Death Star! Let's go over the alternatives: Khan will obsess with learning the technology of the Death Star and try to take it over. He may even succeed, but he still dies for not escaping. Terminator will run around trying to kill the Emperor instead of escaping. Why? IT'S WHAT HE DOES! IT'S ALL HE DOES!(tm) Obi-Wan? DV will smell him out with The Force(tm) in a Cloud City Minute(tm). OW will graciously surrender his life so that T may live. Hannibal and the Rottweiler will face off in their own Sub-Grudgematch (tm) to see who is more bloodthirsty. MacGyver may be able to make an escape using nothing but household items... Unfortunately, he is in a vast military complex and there are no household items to be had. Mac has the added disability of being unable to kill any of the Stormtroopers. Only so many of the white-clad doofuses (or is it doofi?) can fall on their own knives.

T will cut a swath through the stormtroopers (The Empire's answer to F-Troop) wider than Sherman's March Through Georgia(tm). He is a dynamo of strength and resolve and ingenuity. Being ex-military, he will have no difficulties manuevering through the vast fortress that is the Death-Star, and he can make an escape vehicle out of ANY items (he's not limited to what he can find under the kitchen sink with Mr. Yuck stickers attached). Being a 'Nam vet, he can easily access his RAGE(tm) and wipe out the Stormtroopers at will. And his last advantage: the Gold on his chest makes him impervious to any frontal laser blasts, and no one will survive to attack him from behind.

- Randy

At some point during this spectacle, all of the contestants pair up and meet somehow: Instead of trying to escape, Khan goes to Darth Vader and explains how grateful he is for the destruction of the Enterprise. Darth doesn't know what he's talking about and merely strangles him to death. MacGuyver was going to make an X-Wing out of Storm Trooper uniforms and turtle wax, but he saw Obi-Won walking down the hallway. So he quickly whipped up a lightsaber made from a penny, chewing gum and his nose hairs. Unfortunately for him, he's not much of a swordsman and fell quickly to the old wizard. Lector finds the Rottweiler chewing on a Storm Trooper. He figures what the hell and joins him in his meal. Later on, he tricks Boba Fett into eating his own brains. Mr. T and the Terminator (whose skin had been blown away by Storm Trooper lasers) battle but T wins. As he picks up the cyborg, two Storm Troopers appear.

"B.A.! Don't do it!" one yells.
"Huh!? How do you know my name, sucka?!"
They take off their helmets revealing Face and Hannibal (the one who chomps cigars, not fingers). "It's us," Face tells him. "If you throw the Terminator helluva far, he'll win and you'll lose!"
"Hm..." Mr. T merely tosses the cyborg at a couple real Troopers running down the hall.
"Maybe you're right. Did you bring the van?"
"You bet!" Hannibal tells him. "Hope you don't mind that Murdock drove."
"WHAT!? You lettin' that crazy foo' drive my van! When I get back, that sucka's gettin' thrown!"
A minute later, the Death Star explodes and the A-Team make it back to Earth safely. Because that van is fast!
"Darth Sucka shoulda been drinkin' his milk!"
None of the A-Team notice, but Hannibal Lector is attached to the bottom of the GMC van, with an evil grin on his face.
"Which one of you foo's wants to drive through the cactus patch?!"
Lector's eyes widen as he gulps in fear.

- Gavok

The dog wins. It has to. There are laws people, even here.
Law #1: A person is never allowed to kill dogs on screen, if a dog is killed on screen it is a sad thing. (Old Yeller)
Law #2: A dog in peril is ALWAYS more important that humans in peril. (Independence Day)
Law #3: Dogs are always more formidable/intellegent than humans. (The Mask, K9, Turner and Hooch, Man's Best Friend)
Law #4: Heros can never mistreat animals. (Lethal Weapon 3)

This gives our friend the dog a comfortable layer of invincibility in this match. Personally, I could walk down any street in Detroit at midnight and pass by the other contestants and not bad an eyelash. I'd most likely end up dead, but I wouldn't give the humans a second look. A dog comes walking up to me on the same block on the same night and I cross the street.

I expect the Stormtroopers to act in much the same manner. Anyone runs around the Death Star with guns (or crudely constructed non- lethal contraptions for MacGyver) blazing looking for a fight is going to get one, but a muthafucking bigass DOG comes ambling around the corner and I head for the elevator.

- Akhamed -- helping you to love you

There are certain truths in this world. 1) Stormtroopers couldn't hit the side of a parked Tie Fighter with a blaster. 2) Darth Vader and Obi Wan will fight. Eliminating those contestants because a lightsabre fight will waste significant time, we have to look at the rest of this motley crew (who are, fortunatly for us, not a hair band). The Terminator has a tendency to "warp into" any given locale completely naked. He'll waste way too much time looking for a stormtrooper that is roughly his size to kill for his armor. He may never find one. The Rottweiler will make his way through the tunnels and ducts and passageways, leaving a pile of dead Stormtroopers in his path, to the nearest plate of food. Sated at the dining hall, he will subsequently take a nap, after playing with some random shiny object that made a loud noise.

Hannibal, Kahn, Macguyver, and Mr. T will all use their guile, cunning, wit, and strength to find their way to a shuttle bay at roughly the same time. Whoever gets there first doesn't really matter because of 1 key rule stipulation: They must GET OFF the Death Star. Only Kahn knows how to fly a starship. The end of this contest will see Kahn floating off cackling as he reclines in the fine corinthian leather bucket seat of an Imperial Transport Ship, with massive (reimagined) explosions in the rear view, ready to hunt for Spock once again. Kahn's hideous uncontrollable laughter and Q's sarcastic, bemused chuckles cross over as the end credits read "Story by Rick Berman." Subesquently, the movie screen is pelted with unpopped popcorn kernels.

- Hurricane Andrew

Have to go with the Rottweiler here. All the other participants are going to get bogged down in little squabbles.
Obi-wan vs Vader (death star and stormstroopers): The obvious fight. The obvious outcome. Says Kenobi, "Strike me down, so that we can end this repetitive conflict once again"
Mr T. vs Terminator: "Come with me if you want to fix your career" will send Mr. T into a blind fury. Outcome? Mr T., shouting " I pity the fool that doesnt have his own cereal!"
Hannibal Lecter vs Khan: Trekkie, its what for dinner.
Macgyver vs himself: Macgyver will be a kid in a candyshop with these new technologies around him. He'll be too busy trying to build a Stargate (to return to his only chance of ever being in the stargate sequel) out of spare droid parts to try to escape. Which leads us to our hero, the rottie.
Final scene: Rottweiler flying away in a tie fighter while listening to Snoop's "Whats my name". Bow-wow

- Every dog has his day, ya hurd?

First MacGyger and Mr. T realizing they both need to go to the same place, Earth, they team up together. They continue foward to the Lift elevators when bells ring out as a door opens and the terminator lowers his captured blasters from a couple squads of liquidfied Stormtroopers from the Detention level. Mr. T ducks out of the way and McGyver gets his head blown clean off.As Mr. T runs from the smooking carcus of what was MacGyger he meets up with Khan. Both need allies. As they enter the core Kahn realizes he could end it all there and take out all his foes. He starts the self distruct of the Death Star from the heat of helllll....

Mr. T pittying Kahn for his bad grammer usage throws him off the ledge and shuts it off. Meanwhile the toopers in the cafeteria take out Hannibal when he charges them with forks and knifes not realizing the white stuff is armor not powder sugar. The dog what can I say? It attacks Mr. T from behind as Mr. T watches Kahn fall into the chasam and they both go down. The Terminator runs into Vader standing at the entrence to Bocking Bay 327 over the robe of Obi-Wan, blasters don't work against a lightsaber. Vader decapitates the machine. Q comes back, "it appears you were sucessfull this time, but I want to have fun any way so..." a vortex of space emerges the Emperor. Q pipes up "I thought I have seen the last of you." "he he he he he, it is you who has fallen into my trap, my old friend and know with the full power of the Sith you shall appear no more" with this vader and the emperor drawing on the full power of hate emerge Q in a temperal vortex of time and his essence decentagrates. He is now mortal. the siths approach him...

- Observer1

Here's how the events will go. (Digitally remastered and THX surround sound) Two Stormtroopers stand near a junction of two corridors, discussing important military issues. "Do you know what's going on?" "Maybe it's another drill."

Suddenly commotion comes from one of the corridors. Out staggers a lone trooper, his armor torn, his skin savagely bitten. He tries to describe his attacker, but he falls to the ground, dead. The other two troopers decide that investigating may not be a wise idea. They run down the other corridor, only to be reduced to ashes. The Terminator steps out to confront the other attacker, the Rottweiler. Viciously, the dog jumps up and bites the synthetic flesh from the Terminator's arm, revealing the metallic skeleton underneath. "Bat dockie. Very bat dockie." The towering cyborg shows no mercy, spraying the crazed canine with water.

Leaving his incapacitated foe behind, the Terminator runs down the corridor. All of a sudden, he begins to have violent spasms and falls to the ground. Yes, it was MacGyver, with his Anti-Terminator Ray Gun that he built from the components of an old bicycle. As MacGyver rounds a corner, he crashes right into none other than Mr. T! He readies his Gold-Melting Gun, but T, furious at the A-Team's loss to this bum, punches the inventor down the garbage chute. Sadly, our hero cannot find the proper components for an Anti-Dianoga Ray. As the monster pulls him under, his last words are "What a piece of junk!"

Mr. T resumes his journey towards freedom, punching out a few Stormtroopers on his way. He begins to hear strange sounds from around the corner. He rounds the bend and sees a distinguished-looking English gentleman picking his teeth with a bone.
"Hello Clarice." the man says.
"My name ain't Clarice, foo! Whatcha do ta that guy?" T demands.
"Oh, him?" the bald man asks, registering the pile of bones. "He was a strange man who had an unnatural amount of cleavage. Khan was his name, I believe. Delicious. Much tastier than the soldiers in white."
"You one sick man, sucka!"
"But now, let's get down to business, Clarice."
The Englishman advances toward T, licking his lips. However, he forgets the cardinal rule of Death Star visitors: watch your head! He knocks his head on a door frame and falls to the ground, and then is bisected by the guillotine-speed pressure door.

Mr. T, seeing his chance to escape, pushes past the body of the man and the piles of bones, and races down the corridor. But there is one more opponent to face. Standing by the docking bay, holding a shimmering lightsabre, stands a wise-looking old man.
"I ain't never hit no Jedi in my life, but nothin' is going to keep me from boardin' that shuttle." T says.
"Of course, my friend." the old man calmly intones. "But you look thirsty. Would you like something to drink?" He holds up a glass of...
"Milk!" T cries. He grabs the glass and swigs it down in one gulp. "All right, pops, let's get this... zzzzzzz."
Yes, Mr. T has fallen for the old "drugged-milk" trick, once again. Obi-Wan calmly boards the shuttle and takes off into hyperspace. KABOOOOOM! The Death Star is blasted to atoms. However, among the flames, two objects are seen escaping. One is a TIE fighter, blasting from a secret escape hatch. (Q had underestimated Vader, as usual) The other is a man, preserved in a cocoon of melted gold. Both Mr. T and Darth Vader swear revenge on Q - and Obi-Wan - as they disappear into the vastness of space.

Epilogue: "Proud you have made your old master, Obi-Wan." Yoda says as he pins the Grudge Champion's Medal on Obi-Wan's robes. "Faith in you, I had."
"Thank you, master Yoda." Obi-Wan says with a smile.
"Yeah, good going, Obi-Wan!" Mike says. "This ought to make up for the Phantom Menace." Crow says.
"Not to mention the Holiday Special." Tom Servo adds.
"He was not in Holiday Special! I seen it!" Jackie Chan insists.
"But good job, Obi-Wan. Force was with you."
And so the sun sets on another TOC. Who knows what the future holds?

- Oxmoron (R.I.P. Sir Alec Guinness)

The Rottweiler escaping in an X-wing has the highest Comedy Factor (TM). Everyone else dies.

- The Flying Lizard

Anyone that votes against Mr. T must have been "sucking back on the sauce," and should have his or her vote thrown out. According to the Grudge Match Constitution(tm), Mr. T is the patron saint of all that is Grudgy, and therefore cannot lose this fight, or any fight. Really, that A-Team/MacGuyver match was a travesty, and Mr. T should be in this competition twice.

- Grudge-Pops™: I pity the foo'....

Why is there a 1982 GMC Custom Van parked in front of the Death Star? Do I sense rigging?

- Wolf Fang Fist

Gotta be the Terminator for a few simple reasons.
1. He's the only non-organic living contestant. Should the Stormtroopers actually manage to hit him, it won't do anything. He'll just keep going. And
2. He's obviously programmed to be the first out. If that's the case, nothing will stand in his way.

The others may stop to fight some stormtroopers or hestitate to jump over a ledge, but not Arnold. He'll just keep going. Basically, the T-101 has this in the bag. The only other contestant who even comes close is Obi-Wan, and only because he's been in the Death Star before and knows some of it's tricks.

- Michael Brzeski, the Toon Leader

Ah yes, the tournament of champions. Always an interesting battle, however, this time we have to painfully say goodbye to several of the contestants right away. First, while I'd like to home field advantage to the Death Star with its compliment of Stormtroopers, I'm afraid that since they don't have Star Trek to beat up on, they don't have a chance. They couldn't even capture Han Solo and Chewbacca when they were running around the station pell mell, so they don't have a chance against the other seven contestants.

Next, we have to eliminate Obi-Wan Kenobi. He might have one the re-done battle with Vader, but in this scenario he can't win- once again Obi-Wan gravitates towards his one major failure and attempts to right his past mistake, immediately removing him from the contest. Khan and the Terminator will both lose due to their separate, yet equally futile attempts to take the Death Star for their own quests- Terminator will attempt to tap into the Death Star's computers and use it to help Skynet rule the Earth. Kahn will simply want the Death Star to gain his final victory over Kirk, which is assured given the Death Star's record over the Enterprise. The Rottweiler will lose because of his primal needs to mark his territory and hump every leg he comes in contact with- Hey, he's already fed thanks to his own weight in Chihuahuas- all he really has left is to deal with his other primal urges, and those include peeing and humping. Speaking of primal urges, Hannibal Lector won't get off the Death Star because of lunch. Sure, a true coinsure like Lector might normally stay away from canned food, but not with stuff this fresh. He won't be able to resist.

Finally, this leaves us with Mr. T and MacGyver. As much as I'd like to give the fight to the Grudge Match patron saint, I just don't think T can do it. First, he'll be too busy busting bad guy skull to try to escape, and second, MacGyver has already proven that he can beat the whole A-Team in a scrap yard battle. Without the rest of the team to help him, T can only sit back and watch as MacGyver escapes in a TIE fighter he jump started using a flashlight, a twig, and a used piece of chewing gum

- They Might Be Matt

With this huge lead so far into the match, i suspect that they're might be a Mr. T Jihad *there is no Jihad!!(tm)* out there stuffing the box.

- BIGMRG74

Time 0 hours: The contestants appear on the moon-sized battlestation in a flash of light. Each manages to land on the ground in such a way as 2 Stormtroopers die in the first nanosecond of battle. Vader grabs his lightsaber back from Q and goes in search of Old Ben. MacGyver immediately grabs a dead Stormtrooper's utility belt, as well as a handfull of paperclips and a starving weasel, and stuffs them into a pocket. The Rottweiler licks himself. Khan queries a dying S-Trooper to find out where the biggest weapon on this ship is, and perks up when he hears the word "Superlaser". Hannibal begins removing plastic armor to eat someone. The Terminator grabs every available weapon and marches towards the first life-reading he picks up. Ben makes for the tractor beam power station, knowing that it must be disabled to achieve takeoff. Mister T finds himself next to a helluva fast indoor speeder, and climbs on. Q makes himself some popcorn. CASUALTIES: 14 Stormtroopers

Time 1 hour: Terminator vs. Hannibal: Hannibal is much too busy eating Stormtrooper flesh (it tastes like stale cracker) to notice Termie as he marches up behind him, trenchcoat streaming, to blow his head off. MacGyver has stuffed three more technological gizmos into his pockets, which are beginning to swell. He begins to walk in the direction his infallible direction sense tells him is "out", sneaking past the white guys in helmets that can't see ANYTHING. The Rottweiler pees on a dead body and wanders aimlessly, a little bit hungry. Kahn strangles 16 troopers that get in his way as he rushes towards the superlaser, which he believes will allow him to gain revenge for not only himself and his friends, but for every Trek character that lost a Grudge Match. Ben ducks into a dark corner as ST's shuffle past, not noticing him for the second time. Mister T. do what he do best, and revs up and down corridors, running down helpless troopers, clubbing wandering bots over the head with a gold mace, and blowing up those annoying little black boxes on wheels. Q smiles mischeviously. CASUALTIES: Hannibal, 65 Stormtroopers, 12 Droids, 5 Little Black Boxes on Wheels.

Time 2 hours: MacGyver vs. Terminator The Terminator walks down the halls towards his next victim (he's seen Kahn, and is following his 2nd-to-prime directive: STAR TREK MUST LOSE), but so intent is he on his goal that he does not see MacGyver drop down from an air vent behind him and electrocute him with a 3-gigawatt-tazer- from-scratch. Termie's circuts fry, and he begins humming "A Pirate's Life for Me" from Pirates of the Carribean, reduced to his original form: Animitronics at Disneyland.(you probably never suspected that Skynet was an attraction at Tomorrowland, did you???) Kahn finally realizes that "a blaster is faster!" and steals one to vaporize any infidels in his path to glory. The Rottweiler is shot at by some troopers, who he quickly kills with bloodlust. Ben suddenly feels a trace of his youthful energy and impatience, and realizes that he's tired of all this slipping-through-the-shadows crap. He beheads the next squad of Stormtroopers with one sweep of his lightsaber, and simply runs towards the tractor-beam-shut-off station. Vader has been missing for some time now. Mister T beats the crap out of an Imperial Officer or 20, and continues his killing rampage. Q wonders where Vader is, but is distracted by the sight of a malfunctioning Terminator, and eats another bag of popcorn. CASUALTIES: The Terminator, 160 Stormtroopers, 20 Imperial Officers, 12 Little Black Boxes With Wheels

Time 3 hours: Khan vs. Ben Kenobi, on his way to the reactor, notices a lone figure standing at the monitoring outpost at the end of the Superlaser, shouting "REVENGE!!! FOR ALL ETERNITY, REVENGE!!!" Ben recognizes him after a few seconds and pushes the Big Red Button (tm). Khan turns at the noise of a firing sequence, and sees Ben in the control room. Ben salutes, and shouts, "You cannot change the laws of the universe, my friend. Star Wars beats Star Trek, now, and forever. Khan screams "NOOOO!!!" as he is blown away. Q considers this a moment, and comes to the conclusion that, although Khan IS the first off the station, being vaporized disqualifies him. Mister T. finds a weird-looking elevator, and gets off his bike to investigate. MacGyver finds a quiet corner somewhere to develop his next weapon. The Rottweiler is now somewhat hungry, and wanders around trying to find a mess hall or somesuch. He sees a black box on wheels and crushes it. CASUALITIES: Khan, 50 Stormtroopers, 1 Black Box on Wheels

Time 4 hours: MacGyver vs. The Rottweiler Unfortunately for Mac, he anticipates meeting up with Ben next, and consequently makes a Karyonic-Insidual-Light-Level-Barometric-Electron-Neutralizer (KILLBEN), which he plans to use to disable the old man's lightsaber. Unfortunately, this device does absolutely nothing whatsoever to stop a huge dog from jumping up and ripping out his throat. MacGyver throws the device away on his way to the floor, and the Rottweiler, after peeing on the corpse, notices that it has knocked against a big blinking panel and opened a strange, round door. Mr. T pushes "up" in the elevator, and begins his ascent. Obi-Wan Kenobi vs. Darth Vader Ben has deactivated the tractor beams, and is making his way back to the landing bay, when he sees a familiar figure in black, lightsaber ablaze, blocking his path. We all know how that goes. CASUALTIES: MacGyver, Darth Vader, 500 Stormtroopers Who Were Shot By Friendly Fire, 1 Black Box on Wheels Vaporized by Q

Time 5 Hours: Ben vs. MacGyver Ben climbs aboard an Imperial Shuttle, smiling to himself that he finally killed his former apprentice. He sits in a pilot seat and looks down at the controls to familiarize himself with them, when he notices an odd blinking light on the console, he moves his head close, and sees the numbers "3... 2... 1" before he groans and moves his lightsaber to martyr position. The explosion is spectacular, and all that is left after it is over is a single burnt paperclip.

Q watches all this with glee, marveling over the deaths of most everyone but the Rottweiler and... and... he glances over the security cameras, searching for Mr. T. Suddenly, he is yanked out of his chair and thrown against the wall with a strength that he has never felt before. He bends down and touches his lip, where there is blood oozing from what he thought before was indestructable skin. A figure of black and gold steps into the dim light, eyes glowing with the fire of every star. Q, for the first time in his life, is afraid. Mr. T leans in close to the pathetic man before him and whispers: "I pity da foo' who play God!" With sudden realization, Q gazes upon another member of the Continuum. Another demigod. He curses his not noticing that Mr. T has a single letter in his name, just like his other Continuum friends. T snaps his fingers, and Q disappears forever. The Rottweiler climbs through the door, and accidently hits a blue button on the inside. The excape pod slams shut, shooting the dog into the void. He is declared the winner by Mr. T, the Grudge God, and is handed the Grudge Bowl, which he uses to drink out of for many, many years.

- -The Mad Josher

First off, Vader will _not_ stand idly by. He will hunt down Obi-Wan and initiate Round 3 and bring him down as his own ultimate revenge. Mr T by this time has already avenged the A-Team's loss to MacGyver and proceeds to remove the three other weak combatants; Khan, without his fellow supermen will surely fall; Hannibal, c'mon this guy lost at a bake-off and heck, the loony is probably taking out Stormtroopers with a can opener he smuggled aboard when T catches up with him; the Rottweiler, ...how did he get voted in?!?! I mean a dog in the middle of a laser war? T takes him out with a Rottweiler's weight in gold chains.

This leaves T, Terminator and the uningested Stormtroops. Let us assume that the Terminator has arrived unprogrammed, and since my knowledge of robots is limmited to the Simpsons(TM), it is thusly common knowledge that default robot programming is Crush, Kill, Destroy. The Stormtroopers don't stand a chance with that going against them. Now at this point, Vader has emerged the showdown against Kenobi, but it was not a quick battle and Vader has been badly damaged and disoriented. He sees Terminator with his human skin totally destroyed and, in his anguish, he believed it to be on of the battle-droids he witnessed in his youth. He goes mad and uses his remaining strength to Force-Crush(TM) Terminator into a ball bearing.

T arrives on the scene to see a desheveled Vader clutching to life:
Vader: T, please help me!
T: Now why would I help a fool like you?
Vader: Because, T, I am your father!
T: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
T goes berserk and use Vader's lightsaber to behead the Sith Lord. Q then appears to T to congratulate T on his victory. A devilish grin crosses the victor's face, he levels Q with one punch (heck if Riker can do it, T can do it!), programs the Death Star Auto-distruct and heads for the nearest shuttlebay. T escapes as the Death Star goes boom (again) and T survives to conquer all pretenders to his Grudge Match throne.

- Big Kevin

Each will turn his own way to try to find his own way off the battlestation. Khan will be too busy trying to find his way to the bridge, to take of the battle station and kill the Enterprise. His stupidity will get him killed. After trying to devour a stormtrooper, Hannibal "Antonio" Lecter will be infected with the disease that makes the soldiers dumb. He is slaughtered in a firefight with Ben Kenobi. Speaking of Ben, he'll be mowing down troopers like there's no tomorrow. But he'll think he needs to have an unprecedented THIRD match with Vader, and he'll be distracted too long to get off at all. One Rottweiler. Against the Terminator. Ahhnold throws a bone off of the edge of the platform, and the stupid dog goes for it (hey, it doesn't take brains to chew on Chihuahuas. Just go to Taco Bell).

The Terminator has to go out, even with a bit of style. He grabs a shotgun and takes on several thousand stormtroopers. Although he mowes down quite a few, and betters the other competitors' chances by distracting the enemy troops, not even the Terminator can survive a wave of laser fire (even if it were the tenth wave). "Ahh'll be dead." Finally, Mr. T discovers the man who defeated his A-team, McGyver. A fight ensues. Although McGyver manages to grab a few wires, and a shoestring and tries to create a personal forcefield, he gets his neck snapped. The Invincible Mr. T takes the half finished shield, finishes it on the run, and takes off to the shuttlebay. Managing to commandeer a shuttle ("I pity the foo' who try to stop me!), he takes off for Earth to gather the A-team for a revival.

- Mr. Floppy - ya know, Mr. T was quite a guy. He could hold his head up even with those chains.

With such a large diversity of contestants (a word which usually assumes a willingness to participate... which I'm sure they aren't) it is hard to come to a clear Conclusion(tm). Putting these characters of world-wide fame (Mr. T's only recently being brought back to it's original strengh due to 1-800-COLLECT commercials... foo') in a more reasonable state of affairs would be the correct (possibly even British) way to procede. Something more stately which involves (slightly) less killing is needed. Hence! THE GONG SHOW! What kind of celebrity would bother making a fool of themselves on any gameshow not involving things such as Hollywood, squares and/or Whoopi Goldberg. MacGyver WINS!

- Quilt_Master

(Did a Grudge Match fan actually suggest less violence? Where were you during the Dawson-Barker match? - eds.)