Darth Vader hunches over his desk, muttering. "Stupid imperial tax forms. You'd think we could clone some accountants or something. I mean really..." Vader, suddenly realizing that he is no longer alone, looks up.
"Hello there, tall, dark and wheezy (tm, Michele Liguori)," quips an unfamiliar looking man in full Grand Moff dress. "How do I look? Granted, it's not as stylish as your outfit, but I think it helps me fit in. Oh, allow me to introduce myself. Q's the name, and revenge is my game." Vader, enraged, rises to his feet and reaches for his weapon. "Uh-uh. We'll have none of that." Vader grabs for a light sabre that is no longer there. "Sit down, Darth. Can I call you Darth?" With a wave of his hand, Q sends Vader back into his chair.
"I'd say you boys cleaned up nicely after that run in with John McClane," continues Q. A confused and stunned Vader does not respond. "Oh, that's right... I suppose your puny mind cannot see alternate realities such as that. No matter. Well, to make a long story short, there's this website called 'WWWF Grudge Match', that you obviously are not familiar with or you would be twice dead by now, that recently had the nerve to pit me up against that pathetic emperor of yours. And can you believe that I lost? Absurd. So, as a measure of revenge, I have hijacked their fourth annual tournament of champions, which is actually their first, but that's a temporal confusion that I'm sure would blow your mind if I tried to explain it to you.
"Simply put: the Death Star and all its little stormtroopers are contestants in and host of this tournament. To make things interesting, I have placed the 7 other contestants in 7 different locations near the center of your space station. One of these contestants I think you know rather well..."
"Yes," says Vader, finally breaking his silence. "I sense something... a presence I haven't felt since--"
"Ah, yes," interrupts Q. "That 'Force' thing of yours... very cute. Allow me to finish. Each of those 7 contestants have been instructed that they must try to get off the Death Star, and to be the first to do so. As soon as the first of those 7 gets off the Death Star, I will blow it up, along with all aboard. If by some chance you and your men should happen to capture and kill all 7 before they can do so, I won't blow it up."
Vader again stands up. "Your powers are weak, old man." Vader thrusts out his hand in an attempt to choke Q.
Q sighs, and Vader is thrown across the room and pinned against the wall. "You really should listen to me, Vader, if you want to have any chance to live. And don't even think of trying to bail on everybody like you did before... I mean like you will do... oh, nevermind. Go rent Episode IV if you want to figure that one out."
Q releases his grip on Vader, who falls to the floor. Dazed, Vader begins to nod. "Very well. I accept your terms."
Q saunters across the room, and leans over to peer into Vader's mask. "Well that's good, Darth, because you really don't have any choice now, do you? Let the game begin."
Death Star with Stormtroopers
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First of all, where's the "Q gets mangled and killed and never appears in a single Grudge Match scenario again" button? Second, I'd just like to say that a first-year Tournament of Champions without Gary Coleman is a farce, a sham, and a double-farce. Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Grudge Match? In fact, none of the really cool, old-fashioned pop-culture figures made it into this match. No Colonel Blake, no Gilligan, nobody before 1977, really. My grim conclusion is that the nominating for this match was mostly done by Fanboys (tm). And what reinforces this conclusion is that most of the competitors share the primary characteristic of Fanboys (tm), namely the inability to get a woman. Yet this action-packed Grudge Match (tm) can only be settled by determining which one of these pansies has enough testosterone to give him the edge (testosterone, adrenalin, it's all the same, who cares, I'm not in science).
Okay, the Terminator has the excuse of being a robot and thus unable to get or give no Satisfaction (tm), though being a robot never stopped Data, and it's pretty pathetic to be less studly than a TNG character. Hannibal Lecter doesn't appear to have gotten lucky either, but to be fair he usually had bars and that muzzle thing separating him from Clarice (and you thought it was just meant to keep him from eating her). But what's Obi Wan's excuse? Are you telling me with all that Force mind-control power, he had nothing better to do than control some Stormtrooper's mind (such as it is)? Come to think of it, neither Obi-Wan nor Yoda ever told Luke about the potential effectiveness of the Force for telekinetically undressing women, something even Scott "Chachi" Baio figured out how to do in the movie Zapped!. This suggests that Jedi Knights are required to take a celibacy oath like Catholic Priests (that explains the propensity of Jedi Knights to hang around young boys). And the sexual frustration of the pathetic futuristic Klansmen on the Death Star has already been definitively addressed in Steve and Brian's commentary on the Ensigns vs. Stormtroopers match. Geez, even a fictional, geeky Star Wars fanboy like Dave on NewsRadio managed to score with Maura Tierney (hubba, hubba), yet his heroes from LucasLand can't even get anywhere with the merely average-looking Princess. So the current welcome Star Wars losing streak will continue due to overwhelming lack of manhood.
Almost as pathetic, though I wouldn't tell him so to his face, is Mr. T. Remember "Amy," the female reporter who was an honorary member of the A-Team in the earliest and best episodes? She was reasonably attractive, and Mr. T had by far the best shot with her, given that Face was busy flirting with farmers' daughters, Murdock was mainly attracted to trash bags (tm), and Hannibal couldn't have sex with anyone due to the 103 venereal diseases he contracted as Banacek (there's an old Polish proverb: womanizing insurance investigators will sleep with anyone except possibly Ralph Manza). But did Mr. T ever seize his opportunity with Amy before she was booted off the show? No, because he was too busy with that homoerotic love-hate thing he had with Murdock. What a gold-laden maroon!
Khan is closer to the the manly ideal -- he did, after all, come pretty close to bagging one of those miniskirted soft-focused blondes in "Space Seed" -- but his problem is that he can't hold onto a woman once he gets her, a fact exemplified by Ricardo Montalban's short, but revealing, career in Broadway musicals. In Seventh Heaven (1955) he got the girl, but then lost her in the middle of act 1, after which she went blind or crazy or something (who cares, it was a flop). In Jamaica (1957), he played a Jamaican fisherman -- I'm not making this up -- whose girlfriend, played by Lena Horne, spent the whole evening ignoring him and running after a slick dude from New York. And why wouldn't she ignore Khan, when he kept singing fake calypso songs like "The Monkey In the Mango Tree?" Which brings us to the opening lyrics of his big song in Seventh Heaven "I never felt younger / I never felt gayer / I never had this feeling before." If that's not revealing, I don't know what is. Khan is out, but on the bright side, Jamaica actually has a pretty good score.
Now, I've seen MacGyver with women sometimes -- which differentiates him from any other science geek I've ever known -- and, within the context of what was basically a family show, he actually had reasonably good luck with them. But his very irresistibility to women will cause him separate and unique problems when his biggest fans, Patty and Selma Bouvier, sneak onto the Death Star to try and get a date with their hero. The sexual advances of these chain-smoking, hairy-legged females will turn MacGyver off women permanently. If they're naked, he may even be driven to experiment with homosexuality, in which case he, the Stormtroopers, Obi-Wan and Mr. T will organize a Death Star Gay Pride rally right then and there.
Which leaves us with the rottweiler as the winner. He ain't pretty, but I've never seen a male dog who didn't occasionally manage to get some action with the local bitches (in the literal, not figurative sense). Odd that the dog should turn out to be the manliest one here, but facts are facts: even dogs who have been spayed or neutered (tm) have more luck with the opposite sex than Mr. T and all the Star Wars characters combined.
And when it's all over, a pissed-off Gary Coleman gets Mr. Drummond to buy the goddamn Q continuum and have Q fired... out of a post-apocalyptic torpedo tube. REVENGE IS SWEET INDEED!
- Captain Corcoran [if Mr. T reads this, please don't tell him my real name]
Mr. T will obviously triumph. His well developed skills of manufacturing weapons/tanks from toothpaste tubes and sellotape will allow him to manufacture demolition tools from the shoddy 1977 props lying around. Then it's just a simple matter of his smashing down the plasterboard walls of the fake Death Star until he reaches the outside edge. Of course, once he reaches apparent safety, he "ain't gettin' on no goddamn spaceship", so he'll have to trick himself into eating a drugged cheeseburger before he affects his (unconscious) escape. Simplicity itself.
- Keyser Soze
All I know is that we can rule out the Terminator from the very beginning. In the first Terminator movie, Termie lost precious time by paging through the phone book for every Sarah Connor that he could find, since his mission was to 'get' Sarah Conner.
Q said that "each of the 7 contestants have been instructed that they must try to get off the Death Star, and to be the first to do so." The Terminator, being a killing machine and everything, assumes that his next mission is to eliminate or, in other words, get some guy named 'Off-The-Death-Star.' Because of this, he'll waste too much time looking through Darth Vader's phone book for a target that doesn't exist, while a smarter contestant (oh, say, the Rottweiler) beats him to the exit.
Well, let's get started with some eliminations.
The rottweiler runs into Obi-Wan on its way to the shuttle bay.
"Good dog... you don't want to eat me... you want to take a nice nap. I'm not the bone you're looking for."
The rottweiler sleeps out the rest of the match.
Hannibal meets Mr. T in a hallway. He tries to pull some psychological
thing on T, but T's not havin' it.
"I'm gonna be somebody, not be somebody's food! Fool!"
A quick punch and Lecter's down for the count.
MacGyver and Kenobi encounter each other next.
"Stay back, old man, I have a blaster made of a pinecone and a coat hanger!" A gesture, and the ersatz blaster flies to the floor.
"Um, I have some gum... hold on a second..."
Kenobi ignores this and clouds MacGyver's mind, who becomes confused and rushes off in the direction of a trash compactor.
Finally, just outside the shuttle bay, Mr. T and Obi-Wan Kenobi
"Get outta my way, fool! I'm gettin' off this scrap heap!"
"Put down your fists. If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can imagine."
"That's enough mystical jibber-jabber from you!"
A quick left, and Kenobi's robe falls to the ground, empty.
T walks past the TIE Fighter, the TIE Interceptor, and the Imperial shuttle until he sees his trusty GMC Van parked at the end of the hangar. As he drives off into space, Q shakes his head, snaps his fingers (causing the Death Star to explode A-Team style) and mutters, "That guy is helluva tough!"
- Denis "Party like it's 1995" Moskowitz
Khan: A strong contender, but spends too much time on the intercom making complicated, threatening metaphors and is caught by a squad of Stormtroopers and gunned down.
Terminator: He's a Terminator, which means he has no instict towards self preservation. All he does is kill humans. He spends the entire match killing Stormtroopers, until they finally lure him into the trash compactor. (Well, not so much "lure him into" as "unsuccesfully hide in." Either way, he gets smashed into aluminum foil.)
Obi-Wan Kenobi: We already know what happens when you put Obi-Wan and Darth Vader on the same Death Star: an empty brown robe. He's a goner.
Hannibal Lecter: Master of escape, sure. Psychotic genius? You bet. Great cook? Fantastic, but don't ask for the recipe. But can he pilot a TIE Fighter? The enourmous carbon burn on the back wall of the hangar says: no.
Mr. T: Mr. T almost wins it early on, but mere steps away from freedom, the public gets sick of him again and he implodes in a vortex of negative celebrity. That's gotta hurt.
MacGyver: MacGyver's mastery High School chemistry is useless on the high-tech Death Star. He's beaten to death by a protocol droid.
Rottweiler: Another strong contender early on, the rottie is taken out of the race when he starts rooting for snacks in the trash compactor and is eaten by the Dianoga.
Deathstar with Stormtroopers: The Pinto of the Stars finally comes out on top.
- Mac Hume
- The REVEREND RoboGoober98
Khan (Ricardo Montelban) finds himself staring at a small tuxedoed midget giggling at a copy of Naked Gun. "What were you thinking, boss? Shouldn't have left that damn island."
Obi Wan Kenobi (Alec Guinness) sees dirt. Because he's dead.
Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger) stares into a dark moist tunnel. A bantha cave? No, he realizes with shock as he is birthed into the world in placental glory, and handed over to his parents: Danny Devito, and..... HIMSELF.
MacGayver (Richard Dean Anderson) sees the Stargate. "I'm in the spinoff series based on a Kurt Russell and James Spader vehicle? I'm beyond B-Movie actor. I've plunged into the nether regions of C- Star."
Hannibal Lechter (Anthony Hopkins) sees thick pulpy goodness as Thomas Harris's skull-cap is peeled away to reveal brain matter. Licking his lips, suddenly, his tongue halts mid-loll as Harris mutters to himself, "Hmm. For this third book, perhaps we should give Clarice another southern-accented sidekick. Someone with spunk. Britney Spears will join the cast."
Mr. T (Mister Tee) finds God in the Ark of the Covenant. Unfortunately, God is paging through the latest manuscript for Left Behind #21, mumbling to himself distractedly, "Rayford? Who in the $! names their child Rayford? That does it. I'm calling Satan and getting his publicist."
The Storm Troopers see themselves in the Ark of the Covenant. One by one they remove their white helmets to reveal..... N'Sync. "Dude, this is totally fresh. Told you, we'd be here. It's mad dope, yo!" Gazing into their near futures makes each of them shudder with horror and disolve into puddle of pink fleshy chili-salsa, which Lechter would find delicious were he not one of them.
The Rottweiler, who was licking his balls at the time of the opening of the Ark, never noticed anything. Eventually, he finds the exit and victory.
- VooDooPork (The Other White Meat)
- Hatinsis Garamna
- Matt L., "Nem"
- Charge Man - "Ain't no gadget boy gonna take me by surprise twice, sucka!"
- Jack McMasters
- Mike W
This is Obi-Wan Kenobi, who has not only the lighsaber that can cut through any blast door, but he also has the Force, which he can use to convince everyone else that the exit is in the opposite direction, leading them to the core, so they get vaporized even sooner. While everyone else is getting irradiated, he goes to one of the docking bays, convinces the security guard that he is a pilot, and simply goes away with one of the shuttles, hyperspacing out immediately to avoid the blast.
- Richard Nixon's Head
1. Khan - yeah, he's neat. He's a badass. But come on, he thinks in two dimensions. He also thinks he's got a superior intellect. Ain't gonna happen, my friend. There'll be a showdown, and he'll go out with a bang, but he won't make it off the Death Star.
2. Terminator - he'll get sidetracked by the sweet little blond kid trying to save the princess. He might make it close, but he'd breach an airlock trying to blast his way out. I don't put much stock in his thinking processes.
3. Obi-Wan - I love Obi-Wan, I really do, but he'd throw the game. All that honor crap and must-sacrifice-myself-for-Luke-and-the-others blahblahblah. A cockroach has a better chance of surviving a movie than Obi-Wan. Ooo, there's an idea...
4. Hannibal Lecter - with that many tasty people between him and freedom, what cannibal would want to leave?
5. Mr. T - he'd get sidetracked by that blond git too, only he'd actually be useful. Sadly, he'd probably want to actually fight the stormtroopers, thus wasting valuable time. If all these other people were the only competitors, he'd have it in the bag. Or the fro. Either way.
6. MacGyver - Hey, let's make a bomb to explode this Death Star using bubble gum, a toothpick, and some old back issues of TIME! Genius! Dead in 5 due to too much do-gooder attitude. In the words of Dark Helmet, "Evil will always win because good is dumb."
7. Rottwieler - The dog never dies. In movies where the dog does die, it's a tragedy. Besides, Q's got a sick sense of humor, so he'd probably rig it so the dog would win. It's probably his dog, anyway. The bastard.
8. Death Star/Stormtroopers - Oh. Yeah. Like the Empire would win. Shaaaaah. Those white-plated bozos couldn't hit the broad side of Rosie O'Donnell. Of course, that bodes well for the other contestants, but then again, those mofos have Darth to deal with, I suppose. I mean, they could all fall into garbage mashers...
So, rottweiler is the winner. Those bastards can slobber their way out of more dangerous situations.
- The Notorious KJB
Drink your milk, dammit.
Khan leave without trying to use the Death Star to hunt down Kirk? Not a chance.
The Terminator leave without checking to see if Sarah Conner is aboard? Heck, no.
Obi-Wan leave without fighting Vader? Nope.
Hannibal Lecter leave without munching down a few Stormtroopers? No way.
MacGyver leave without trying to help Obi-Wan sabotage the Death Star? Not a chance.
The rottweiler leave without sniffing a few crotches? Not gonna happen.
The only one who has no reason to stay is Mr. T. And since the Stormtroopers are as ineffectual as any of the weekly villains on 'The A-Team,' he'll be out of there before you can say, "I love it when a plan comes together."
- David, Master of Disaster
T will cut a swath through the stormtroopers (The Empire's answer to F-Troop) wider than Sherman's March Through Georgia(tm). He is a dynamo of strength and resolve and ingenuity. Being ex-military, he will have no difficulties manuevering through the vast fortress that is the Death-Star, and he can make an escape vehicle out of ANY items (he's not limited to what he can find under the kitchen sink with Mr. Yuck stickers attached). Being a 'Nam vet, he can easily access his RAGE(tm) and wipe out the Stormtroopers at will. And his last advantage: the Gold on his chest makes him impervious to any frontal laser blasts, and no one will survive to attack him from behind.
"B.A.! Don't do it!" one yells.
"Huh!? How do you know my name, sucka?!"
They take off their helmets revealing Face and Hannibal (the one who chomps cigars, not fingers). "It's us," Face tells him. "If you throw the Terminator helluva far, he'll win and you'll lose!"
"Hm..." Mr. T merely tosses the cyborg at a couple real Troopers running down the hall.
"Maybe you're right. Did you bring the van?"
"You bet!" Hannibal tells him. "Hope you don't mind that Murdock drove."
"WHAT!? You lettin' that crazy foo' drive my van! When I get back, that sucka's gettin' thrown!"
A minute later, the Death Star explodes and the A-Team make it back to Earth safely. Because that van is fast!
"Darth Sucka shoulda been drinkin' his milk!"
None of the A-Team notice, but Hannibal Lector is attached to the bottom of the GMC van, with an evil grin on his face.
"Which one of you foo's wants to drive through the cactus patch?!"
Lector's eyes widen as he gulps in fear.
- Akhamed -- helping you to love you
Hannibal, Kahn, Macguyver, and Mr. T will all use their guile, cunning, wit, and strength to find their way to a shuttle bay at roughly the same time. Whoever gets there first doesn't really matter because of 1 key rule stipulation: They must GET OFF the Death Star. Only Kahn knows how to fly a starship. The end of this contest will see Kahn floating off cackling as he reclines in the fine corinthian leather bucket seat of an Imperial Transport Ship, with massive (reimagined) explosions in the rear view, ready to hunt for Spock once again. Kahn's hideous uncontrollable laughter and Q's sarcastic, bemused chuckles cross over as the end credits read "Story by Rick Berman." Subesquently, the movie screen is pelted with unpopped popcorn kernels.
- Hurricane Andrew
- Every dog has his day, ya hurd?
Mr. T pittying Kahn for his bad grammer usage throws him off the ledge and shuts it off. Meanwhile the toopers in the cafeteria take out Hannibal when he charges them with forks and knifes not realizing the white stuff is armor not powder sugar. The dog what can I say? It attacks Mr. T from behind as Mr. T watches Kahn fall into the chasam and they both go down. The Terminator runs into Vader standing at the entrence to Bocking Bay 327 over the robe of Obi-Wan, blasters don't work against a lightsaber. Vader decapitates the machine. Q comes back, "it appears you were sucessfull this time, but I want to have fun any way so..." a vortex of space emerges the Emperor. Q pipes up "I thought I have seen the last of you." "he he he he he, it is you who has fallen into my trap, my old friend and know with the full power of the Sith you shall appear no more" with this vader and the emperor drawing on the full power of hate emerge Q in a temperal vortex of time and his essence decentagrates. He is now mortal. the siths approach him...
Suddenly commotion comes from one of the corridors. Out staggers a lone trooper, his armor torn, his skin savagely bitten. He tries to describe his attacker, but he falls to the ground, dead. The other two troopers decide that investigating may not be a wise idea. They run down the other corridor, only to be reduced to ashes. The Terminator steps out to confront the other attacker, the Rottweiler. Viciously, the dog jumps up and bites the synthetic flesh from the Terminator's arm, revealing the metallic skeleton underneath. "Bat dockie. Very bat dockie." The towering cyborg shows no mercy, spraying the crazed canine with water.
Leaving his incapacitated foe behind, the Terminator runs down the corridor. All of a sudden, he begins to have violent spasms and falls to the ground. Yes, it was MacGyver, with his Anti-Terminator Ray Gun that he built from the components of an old bicycle. As MacGyver rounds a corner, he crashes right into none other than Mr. T! He readies his Gold-Melting Gun, but T, furious at the A-Team's loss to this bum, punches the inventor down the garbage chute. Sadly, our hero cannot find the proper components for an Anti-Dianoga Ray. As the monster pulls him under, his last words are "What a piece of junk!"
Mr. T resumes his journey towards freedom, punching out a few Stormtroopers on his way. He begins to hear strange sounds from around the corner. He rounds the bend and sees a distinguished-looking English gentleman picking his teeth with a bone.
"Hello Clarice." the man says.
"My name ain't Clarice, foo! Whatcha do ta that guy?" T demands.
"Oh, him?" the bald man asks, registering the pile of bones. "He was a strange man who had an unnatural amount of cleavage. Khan was his name, I believe. Delicious. Much tastier than the soldiers in white."
"You one sick man, sucka!"
"But now, let's get down to business, Clarice."
The Englishman advances toward T, licking his lips. However, he forgets the cardinal rule of Death Star visitors: watch your head! He knocks his head on a door frame and falls to the ground, and then is bisected by the guillotine-speed pressure door.
Mr. T, seeing his chance to escape, pushes past the body of the man and the piles of bones, and races down the corridor. But there is one more opponent to face. Standing by the docking bay, holding a shimmering lightsabre, stands a wise-looking old man.
"I ain't never hit no Jedi in my life, but nothin' is going to keep me from boardin' that shuttle." T says.
"Of course, my friend." the old man calmly intones. "But you look thirsty. Would you like something to drink?" He holds up a glass of...
"Milk!" T cries. He grabs the glass and swigs it down in one gulp. "All right, pops, let's get this... zzzzzzz."
Yes, Mr. T has fallen for the old "drugged-milk" trick, once again. Obi-Wan calmly boards the shuttle and takes off into hyperspace. KABOOOOOM! The Death Star is blasted to atoms. However, among the flames, two objects are seen escaping. One is a TIE fighter, blasting from a secret escape hatch. (Q had underestimated Vader, as usual) The other is a man, preserved in a cocoon of melted gold. Both Mr. T and Darth Vader swear revenge on Q - and Obi-Wan - as they disappear into the vastness of space.
Epilogue: "Proud you have made your old master, Obi-Wan." Yoda says as he
pins the Grudge Champion's Medal on Obi-Wan's robes. "Faith in you, I had."
"Thank you, master Yoda." Obi-Wan says with a smile.
"Yeah, good going, Obi-Wan!" Mike says. "This ought to make up for the Phantom Menace." Crow says.
"Not to mention the Holiday Special." Tom Servo adds.
"He was not in Holiday Special! I seen it!" Jackie Chan insists.
"But good job, Obi-Wan. Force was with you."
And so the sun sets on another TOC. Who knows what the future holds?
- Oxmoron (R.I.P. Sir Alec Guinness)
- The Flying Lizard
- Grudge-Pops: I pity the foo'....
- Wolf Fang Fist
- Michael Brzeski, the Toon Leader
Next, we have to eliminate Obi-Wan Kenobi. He might have one the re-done battle with Vader, but in this scenario he can't win- once again Obi-Wan gravitates towards his one major failure and attempts to right his past mistake, immediately removing him from the contest. Khan and the Terminator will both lose due to their separate, yet equally futile attempts to take the Death Star for their own quests- Terminator will attempt to tap into the Death Star's computers and use it to help Skynet rule the Earth. Kahn will simply want the Death Star to gain his final victory over Kirk, which is assured given the Death Star's record over the Enterprise. The Rottweiler will lose because of his primal needs to mark his territory and hump every leg he comes in contact with- Hey, he's already fed thanks to his own weight in Chihuahuas- all he really has left is to deal with his other primal urges, and those include peeing and humping. Speaking of primal urges, Hannibal Lector won't get off the Death Star because of lunch. Sure, a true coinsure like Lector might normally stay away from canned food, but not with stuff this fresh. He won't be able to resist.
Finally, this leaves us with Mr. T and MacGyver. As much as I'd like to give the fight to the Grudge Match patron saint, I just don't think T can do it. First, he'll be too busy busting bad guy skull to try to escape, and second, MacGyver has already proven that he can beat the whole A-Team in a scrap yard battle. Without the rest of the team to help him, T can only sit back and watch as MacGyver escapes in a TIE fighter he jump started using a flashlight, a twig, and a used piece of chewing gum
- They Might Be Matt
Time 1 hour: Terminator vs. Hannibal: Hannibal is much too busy eating Stormtrooper flesh (it tastes like stale cracker) to notice Termie as he marches up behind him, trenchcoat streaming, to blow his head off. MacGyver has stuffed three more technological gizmos into his pockets, which are beginning to swell. He begins to walk in the direction his infallible direction sense tells him is "out", sneaking past the white guys in helmets that can't see ANYTHING. The Rottweiler pees on a dead body and wanders aimlessly, a little bit hungry. Kahn strangles 16 troopers that get in his way as he rushes towards the superlaser, which he believes will allow him to gain revenge for not only himself and his friends, but for every Trek character that lost a Grudge Match. Ben ducks into a dark corner as ST's shuffle past, not noticing him for the second time. Mister T. do what he do best, and revs up and down corridors, running down helpless troopers, clubbing wandering bots over the head with a gold mace, and blowing up those annoying little black boxes on wheels. Q smiles mischeviously. CASUALTIES: Hannibal, 65 Stormtroopers, 12 Droids, 5 Little Black Boxes on Wheels.
Time 2 hours: MacGyver vs. Terminator The Terminator walks down the halls towards his next victim (he's seen Kahn, and is following his 2nd-to-prime directive: STAR TREK MUST LOSE), but so intent is he on his goal that he does not see MacGyver drop down from an air vent behind him and electrocute him with a 3-gigawatt-tazer- from-scratch. Termie's circuts fry, and he begins humming "A Pirate's Life for Me" from Pirates of the Carribean, reduced to his original form: Animitronics at Disneyland.(you probably never suspected that Skynet was an attraction at Tomorrowland, did you???) Kahn finally realizes that "a blaster is faster!" and steals one to vaporize any infidels in his path to glory. The Rottweiler is shot at by some troopers, who he quickly kills with bloodlust. Ben suddenly feels a trace of his youthful energy and impatience, and realizes that he's tired of all this slipping-through-the-shadows crap. He beheads the next squad of Stormtroopers with one sweep of his lightsaber, and simply runs towards the tractor-beam-shut-off station. Vader has been missing for some time now. Mister T beats the crap out of an Imperial Officer or 20, and continues his killing rampage. Q wonders where Vader is, but is distracted by the sight of a malfunctioning Terminator, and eats another bag of popcorn. CASUALTIES: The Terminator, 160 Stormtroopers, 20 Imperial Officers, 12 Little Black Boxes With Wheels
Time 3 hours: Khan vs. Ben Kenobi, on his way to the reactor, notices a lone figure standing at the monitoring outpost at the end of the Superlaser, shouting "REVENGE!!! FOR ALL ETERNITY, REVENGE!!!" Ben recognizes him after a few seconds and pushes the Big Red Button (tm). Khan turns at the noise of a firing sequence, and sees Ben in the control room. Ben salutes, and shouts, "You cannot change the laws of the universe, my friend. Star Wars beats Star Trek, now, and forever. Khan screams "NOOOO!!!" as he is blown away. Q considers this a moment, and comes to the conclusion that, although Khan IS the first off the station, being vaporized disqualifies him. Mister T. finds a weird-looking elevator, and gets off his bike to investigate. MacGyver finds a quiet corner somewhere to develop his next weapon. The Rottweiler is now somewhat hungry, and wanders around trying to find a mess hall or somesuch. He sees a black box on wheels and crushes it. CASUALITIES: Khan, 50 Stormtroopers, 1 Black Box on Wheels
Time 4 hours: MacGyver vs. The Rottweiler Unfortunately for Mac, he anticipates meeting up with Ben next, and consequently makes a Karyonic-Insidual-Light-Level-Barometric-Electron-Neutralizer (KILLBEN), which he plans to use to disable the old man's lightsaber. Unfortunately, this device does absolutely nothing whatsoever to stop a huge dog from jumping up and ripping out his throat. MacGyver throws the device away on his way to the floor, and the Rottweiler, after peeing on the corpse, notices that it has knocked against a big blinking panel and opened a strange, round door. Mr. T pushes "up" in the elevator, and begins his ascent. Obi-Wan Kenobi vs. Darth Vader Ben has deactivated the tractor beams, and is making his way back to the landing bay, when he sees a familiar figure in black, lightsaber ablaze, blocking his path. We all know how that goes. CASUALTIES: MacGyver, Darth Vader, 500 Stormtroopers Who Were Shot By Friendly Fire, 1 Black Box on Wheels Vaporized by Q
Time 5 Hours: Ben vs. MacGyver Ben climbs aboard an Imperial Shuttle, smiling to himself that he finally killed his former apprentice. He sits in a pilot seat and looks down at the controls to familiarize himself with them, when he notices an odd blinking light on the console, he moves his head close, and sees the numbers "3... 2... 1" before he groans and moves his lightsaber to martyr position. The explosion is spectacular, and all that is left after it is over is a single burnt paperclip.
Q watches all this with glee, marveling over the deaths of most everyone but the Rottweiler and... and... he glances over the security cameras, searching for Mr. T. Suddenly, he is yanked out of his chair and thrown against the wall with a strength that he has never felt before. He bends down and touches his lip, where there is blood oozing from what he thought before was indestructable skin. A figure of black and gold steps into the dim light, eyes glowing with the fire of every star. Q, for the first time in his life, is afraid. Mr. T leans in close to the pathetic man before him and whispers: "I pity da foo' who play God!" With sudden realization, Q gazes upon another member of the Continuum. Another demigod. He curses his not noticing that Mr. T has a single letter in his name, just like his other Continuum friends. T snaps his fingers, and Q disappears forever. The Rottweiler climbs through the door, and accidently hits a blue button on the inside. The excape pod slams shut, shooting the dog into the void. He is declared the winner by Mr. T, the Grudge God, and is handed the Grudge Bowl, which he uses to drink out of for many, many years.
- -The Mad Josher
This leaves T, Terminator and the uningested Stormtroops. Let us assume that the Terminator has arrived unprogrammed, and since my knowledge of robots is limmited to the Simpsons(TM), it is thusly common knowledge that default robot programming is Crush, Kill, Destroy. The Stormtroopers don't stand a chance with that going against them. Now at this point, Vader has emerged the showdown against Kenobi, but it was not a quick battle and Vader has been badly damaged and disoriented. He sees Terminator with his human skin totally destroyed and, in his anguish, he believed it to be on of the battle-droids he witnessed in his youth. He goes mad and uses his remaining strength to Force-Crush(TM) Terminator into a ball bearing.
T arrives on the scene to see a desheveled Vader clutching to life:
Vader: T, please help me!
T: Now why would I help a fool like you?
Vader: Because, T, I am your father!
T goes berserk and use Vader's lightsaber to behead the Sith Lord. Q then appears to T to congratulate T on his victory. A devilish grin crosses the victor's face, he levels Q with one punch (heck if Riker can do it, T can do it!), programs the Death Star Auto-distruct and heads for the nearest shuttlebay. T escapes as the Death Star goes boom (again) and T survives to conquer all pretenders to his Grudge Match throne.
- Big Kevin
- Mr. Floppy - ya know, Mr. T was quite a guy. He could hold his head up even with those chains.
(Did a Grudge Match fan actually suggest less violence? Where were you during the Dawson-Barker match? - eds.)
You know, I WANTED to vote, but unfortunately, it's apparently 1996, and in 1996 my parents think I'm too young to be on the Internet.
- My name is Kenny
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ETA: Monday, February 11th, 2002
© 2002, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC