World Wide Web Fights presents

WWWF logo by Aaron Lindgren

G2: Grudgement Day

The Scenario

Washington D.C. lies in shambles. Various fires burn uncontrolled among the tremendous piles of bodies, broken equipment, and shattered monuments. Death is in the air (he took a plane out of Dulles).

The world clamors for news--but the entire infamous Washington Press Corps™ has been wiped out. Two broadcast teams are first to reach to the capital to provide live feeds. However, they aren't your typical newspeople.

In front of the ruined White House, Jack Palance and Leonard Nimoy look into the camera. Jack begins, "On July 2, 1999, in the middle of Washington, a number of witnesses report seeing a 100 foot dragon climbing out of the Potomac River, walking on two legs and breathing fire. Most people are understandibly skeptical of these accounts, but the discovery of this large green severed claw in the area, shall we say, convinces some people otherwise. Believe it or not..."

Leonard Nimoy continues. "Believe indeed. If you look closely next to this claw, you will notice the decapitated head of myself, identical to me except for deformed ears. Is time travel at work here, or parallel dimensions? Could this be the fulfillment of Nostradamus's prophecies? Come with me, and find out as we go In Search of... Ripley's Believe it or Not."

Meanwhile, Robert Stack and John Walsh take position nearby. Robert begins, "In this tree lined capital of the greatest power in the world, an unforseen calamity of incredible magnitude has struck. Incredibly, no eyewitnesses have an explanation for this tragedy. So we have come to you, our viewers, to help uncover the riddle of this Unsolved Mystery."

On cue, John takes over. "The police are looking for several possible witnesses to this crime. The first is a white male dressed in a green jumpsuit, carrying a gumball machine and gold statue. If you have any information about this man, please call us at Unsolved Mysteries: America's Most Wan--hey!"

Both groups were moving toward the White House steps for a dramatic shot to immortalize them in the history of broadcasting. Instead, they collide in an ugly tangle of bodies.

"Watch where you're going!" Stack shouts. "Don't you know I'm untouchable!?"

Palance stares hard at Stack. "This town ain't big enough for both of us." A sneer curls his lip. "Besides, I crap bigger than you."

Argument rages, tempers flare, weapons are grabbed--and a camera crew from America's Funniest Home Videos catches it all on tape.

So Brendan, which titans of true-life television tally a tag-team takedown?

Robert Stack, Unsolved MysteriesJohn Walsh, America's Most Wanted

Jack Palance, Ripley's Believe It or NotLeonard Nimoy, In Search of

Robert Stack and John Walsh


Jack Palance and Leonard Nimoy

The Commentary

BRENDAN: Ken Starr has a better chance of getting a Supreme Court appointment from Bill Clinton that Nimoy and Palance have of surviving this matchup. There is no way the Stack-Walsh juggernaut can lose.

Robert Stack was Elliot Ness. The man who singlehandedly brought down Al Capone (at least according to everything network television tells us, and do any of us really want to live in the kind of world where we can't get our knowledge of history from network television?) Beyond that he has also worked as Optimus Prime's right hand man, the Al Gore of Autobots, Ultra Magnus. Someone who's gone head to head with Al Capone and Galvatron ain't going to even notice Leonard Nimoy and Jack Palance. Then there's John Walsh. He's facilitated the capture of nearly 600 criminals, has a network of informers the KGB would have envied and has friends at all levels of law enforcement. He'll know what Nimoy and Palance are doing before they do.

And let's face it, Nimoy and Palance aren't exactly going to be in top form today. Nimoy has been using identity confusion (I am Not Spock, I Am Spock) and the willingness of Trekkies to buy anything to pay the bills for years now. He can't afford to be seen in the same place as the smoldering corpse of Spock, at least until the final installment of the Nimoy biography trilogy, Maybe I'm Spock, Maybe I'm Not comes out. Do you really think he's going to risk financial ruin for a one shot TV gig?

As for Palance, he's haunted by the specter of his most dangerous enemy. He's already been humiliated by the MST3K gang once. Ddo you really think he is going to want to investigate the site of their greatest triumph, inviting further taunting and humiliation? Stack and Walsh won't even have to get involved, they'll just let their army of Autobot and FBI lackeys take care of the hapless Nimoy and Palance. We can only hope that Nimoy and Palance will be able to draw some comfort from the fact that where their bodies are buried will make a great unsolved mystery next season.

SHANE: Congratulations, Brendan. You do a gallant job in the face of certain crushing defeat. Now hold still, this won't hurt for long.

Jack Palance is a man. A real man. A man of the West. He doesn't need those Robert Stack trenchcoats to hide his shortcomings. He just goes out and does what a man does -- which is shoot people. The only time he ever lost a gunfight, it was to another real man, like Shane. (Yes, I'm enjoying this.) Elliot Ness's tommy guns from the early-sixties-no-realistic-violence-on-TV era won't scare him. Nothing will. And if those wisecracking robots show up, he'll beat them senseless with his Oscar™.

Nimoy's no slouch, either. He has survived the ultimate stereotype with dignity and style, not to mention a fat bank account. That takes endurance, a vital stength in this match. And he doesn't care about the viability of the Am I Spock? books, sicne he always has the Hey, At Least I'm Not Shatner series to fall back on.

Speaking of whom ... remember Rex Kramer, the character Robert Stack played in Airplane? In the sequel/remake Airplane 2, that role metamorphosed into Buck Murdock, played by William Shatner. Yes, Robert Stack got replaced by Shatner. His humiliation is total. He is an unfactor in this match.

As for John Walsh, I've got nothing against him. He's a credit to the country. His show is entirely responsible for collaring my hometown's most notorious murderer. But he's out of his element. He tracks down criminals. What's happened here? Washington D.C. has been leveled. Personally, I don't see anything wrong! Walsh will just wander away, looking for a jaywalker or something.

Justice Starr finds in favor of Jack Palance and Leonard Nimoy.

BRENDAN: Washington D.C. may have been destroyed, but its spirit is clearly living on in your commentary, Shane. It's time to face reality.

It is hardly surprising that you would try to belittle Gangster movies, since Palance's most notorious gangster role was him getting offed (real easily) by the Joker. But I am amazed that you would hold up Cowboy movies as proof of Palance's manhood. Need I remind you that Palance has been outcowboyed by Billy Crystal??? And yes the Shatner thing was embarassing, but for true humiliation one must look no further than Jack Palance playing the straight man to Chevy Chase in Cops and Robbersons.

At this rate of degradation, Palance will probably be costarring with Pauly Shore before too long. He needs to be put out of his misery right now. Fortunately, Robert Stack is just the man to do it.

As for John Walsh yes he does collar criminals, which is why he is perfect for going after Leonard Nimoy. Surely, even you Shane must concede that Nimoy's brief singing career (which included an unholy partnership with the dreaded Shatner) warrants criminal prosecution. And even if the Mr. Tambourine Man abomination was somehow not enough to warrant lifetime imprisonment for Mr. Nimoy (and a firing squad for Shatner) there is still Nimoy's role in Star Trek V. United Nations peacekeepers (showing the same efficiency which has won them the acclaim of being the only group that even Red Shirted Ensigns and the French Army can defeat) have been attempting to hunt down the cast, crew, and all three of the people who actually watched it for years. Clearly it is up to John Walsh to end the Nimoy reign of terror and drag him in for crimes against humanity.

Stack gets to save Palance from himself, Walsh gets to save all sentient life from Nimoy, and Washington D.C. is in ashes. Looks like we can score one for the good guys this time.

SHANE: Brendan, you just associated me with the Federal government. You're going to die. It's going to hurt.

Did you even see City Slickers in that parallel dimension you inhabit? Jack Palance made Crystal wet his chaps just by standing behind him. He got Crystal dragged to Albuquerque by a maverick steer. He had the poor schlub so petrified, that rather than cross Palance, he stuck his arms shoulder deep into a cow's CENSORED. It takes a real man to humiliate the star of the movie that thoroughly. That real man is Jack.

As to your pathetic Cops and Robbersons jab, sorry, but Robert Stack has Palance beat cold in the self-humiliation department. BASEketball. Joe Versus the Volcano. 1941. And by the way, Caddyshack II. Yes, Robbie got shown up by Jackie Mason, thus taking his self-esteem from negatives all the way into imaginary numbers. Stack will sooner calculate the last digit of pi than be a threat to Jack.

And John Walsh won't be running Nimoy in anytime soon: he's needed as a witness in U.S. vs. Shatner. Nimoy can exculpate himself thoroughly by introducing as evidence the two Star Trek movies he directed, compared to the one and only one Shatner will ever get to handle. Leonard's one of the good guys ... and if there's any justice, you'll be getting a personal demonstration of the Vulcan Death Grip really soon to prove it. (Spirit of Washington ... muttergrumblecurse ...)

Thanks to Dom who originally suggested Stack vs. Palance.
We added Walsh and Nimoy to this mysterious matchup,
just to add the proper amount of weirdness.

The Results

Jack Palance and Leonard Nimoy (567 - 69.7%)


Robert Stack and John Walsh (247 - 30.3%)

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Voter Comments


Gold Grudgie

Ooooh, the first vote. I've been hovering near a computer all day (Wed, July 21) to check out the results of the first WWWF Tournament of Champions, and I got the first vote for this match. I was so excited, I dispensed with reading the commentary entirely. So maybe I did cast my vote uninformed, but when I finally do read the commentary, perhaps I will realize that an uninformed vote was for the best.

Anyhow, I voted for Nimoy and Palance. I overheard on the radio that the U.S. government, in order to ensure democracy, employs a system of Jacks and Palances. Good enough for me! Plus, 'Nimoy' is Swahili for "Man who, through his incontrovertible will to dominate, will destroy you, leaving fire and destruction in his wake".

Which tag team does better with reality-based shows? Who cares? All they need to do is read off a teleprompter anyway. The criteria above show that Palance and Nimoy are *truly* superior. And because this is the first response, it follows that the reasoning contained herein must be the most sound, right?

- 1/2 Nelson

Darn. You figured out our rating method. - Eds

ROTW ™ Silver Medal Grudgie ™

Silver Grudgie

[Shocked silence]

Good Bob, what have you done. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??

You've summoned up the missing-persons/Bermuda Triangle crew and given them some actual bona-fide evidence to speculate on. These are the people that can fill an hour-long show with absurd speculation with nary a whit of fact in sight, and now you've given them some real ammunition for their writing staff.

This won't be a single episode; this won't be a single match. the Fox network alone will fill several thousand hours' airtime with shows like Giant Japanese Lizard Autopsy and Will Smith's Acting Career-- Fact or Fiction? Imagine thousand of syndicated tabloid shows broadcasting this footage, forever. Dare we speculate about the actions of the Paramount or WB networks?

No one will have time to worry about the outcome of this match, we'll all be beating our televisions to death to avoid the Dateline expose' and the extended-length 60 Minutes coverage of this incident (which will be tagged something like Catastrophe '99 by Dan Rather or someone). After the endless news shows, the soppy retrospectives ("Where were you when D.C. was flattened?"), the benefit concerts ("We cloned Ricky Martin for D.C. Aid!"), the [shudder] T.V. Movies.

The Weather Channel will enjoy record ratings as the entire planet tunes in to avoid news bulletin break-ins on all the other channels ("We interrupt our regularly scheduled programs to tell you that D.C. is still blown to hell"). And you thought the JFK Jr. plane crash coverage was bad.

Thank you, gentlemen. You've just doomed us all to damnation via TV news coverage. Next time you destroy the human race, could you at least do it with something more dramatic?

This was the third time I was saved by total apathy to current events,

--Rosencrantz, Mighty Hunter of Media Personalities

- --If you want to imagine the future, imagine a newscast, stomping down on a human face, forever.

ROTW ™ Bronze Medal Grudgie ™

Bronze Grudgie

WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!?! Why won't you learn? When will you understand? How many more will die before you learn your lesson?

Let me explain. The Ensigns. Worf. The Enterprise. Data. DS9. Spock. WESLEY!!! They have all been (brutally) defeated in previous Grudge Matches(TM). And now you create a match with Nimoy in it. the name of humanity...let Star Trek Rest In Piece. Or at least annihilate Voyager for us.

- The Animator

I am sure many will make obscure references to Palance doing the push up's at the oscars, but that man is hepped up on something. I am betting he is one of Phizer's Viagra Ranger's, and after raging on the Stack and Walsh, I am afraid Mr. Nimoy will not be able to escape the wrath of Curly. Palance, last man standing

- Prancing Gypsie

This is an easy one. As the MST3K crew - The newly appointed All-Exalted Grudge Match Champions(TM) - pointed out, Jack Palance can make anything sound menacing. Anything. I mean, this is a man that made "Hey, the floors look great," sound ominous, threatening, and hinting at madness. Now imagine John Walsh saying that. Sound evil? Hell no! In fact, lets take a look at the John Walsh Hall of Shame:

(over a shot of laughing children coming out of a pool and getting toweled off) "You love it when people you love give you attention. Some kinds of touching make you feel good, and happy. But sometimes, people touch you in a way that hurts you, and makes you feel uncomfortable. That's called sexual harassment."

So, John, I guess that means it will be sexual harassment when Jack shoves the skeleton of an eight-legged wallaby through your skull! Palance wins: Believe it... or not!

As for Nimoy and Stack, ol' Lenny has an advantage. In fact, he has several thousand advantages. Yes, I speak of the Trekkies. The second Robert Stack lays a finger on Spock/Not Spock, The inevitable horde of rabid fanboys will have him reduced to an unsolved stain on the Capitol steps.

- Vermin Boy

Finally, after spending years in prison, the criminals featured and captured on Unsolved Mysteries and America's Most Wanted gang up on Stack and Walsh, then beat them to the ground. Palance and Nimoy are confused but victorious.

- Charge Man

This is an interesting matchup. But I feel the team of Stack and Walsh will triumph. Here is why:

Consider each of the opponents. Both Jack Palance and Robert Stack are tough old men, but there is a difference. Many people find Jack Palance plain old creepy. If the match only involved giving people the heebie-jeebies, Palance would win hands down. But it doesn't and he won't. On the other hand, Robert Stack inspires respect. He is also a better actor. Look at the old "Untouchables". Most of the bad guys were rather hammy, so Stack compensated by being slightly subdued and straight-arrow. Also, Robert Stack has helped collar real-life criminals. To my knowledge, Jack Palance has not. This fact means that Robert Stack could be classed as a "senior citizen crime fighter". As anyone who watched any episode of "Murder She Wrote", "Father Dowling", "Matlock", or "Diagnosis Murder" knows, crime-fighting seniors never ever lose. If this isn't proof enough, Stack is the tougher of the two. Reason: Back before World War II, Robert Stack had his face almost ripped off in a motorcycle accident (it's in his biography) and he bounced back and made a success of himself. On the other hand, Jack Palance claimed he was in a plane crash when he was in the Air Corps. However, there is no record of him having served in that branch of the service at that date. A case of fictional toughness. The real thing beats the fake every time.

Now on to our younger opponents. As much as I like Leonard Nimoy for his performances as Mr. Spock and for his charitable works (such as work with the Holocaust Museum), our trekker friend will not win. The only TV gigs his "Star Trek" work has lead to are "In Search Of" (piece of crap endorsing the paranormal), that show he has on cable (also pro-paranormal garbage), and some guest spots on "The Simpsons". On the other hand, John Walsh's career has taken a different turn. A man with no previous television experience, he was able to parlay a single appearance on "Real People" (remember that show, folks?) where he dealt with the abduction of his son into a long-running TV series. To build a TV career from a total lack of experience and a humble start takes a lot of guts. Even his show, "America's Most Wanted" is tough. Fox has tried to shorten it and even attempted to cancel it once, but they failed. Also, Walsh gets death threats almost constantly. No way Leonard Nimoy is going to intimidate this guy. It's John Walsh all the way.

This match will be over quickly as Leonard Nimoy uses the logic he inherited from Spock and sees how hopeless it is to go up against such a powerhouse combination. And, if he analyzes the situation, Jack Palance will see the futility of taking on a crime-fighting senior, one of the most invincible entities on television. The match will be over before the spectators even know it.

- The Demented Astronomer

As logical and persuasive as both your arguments were, boys, you were leaving out one vital piece of pertinent superpower:

The Leather Skin Factor.

Jack Palance's skin is tougher than that of a marshmallow that has been microwaved and allowed to harder. No matter what the pathetic opposing weaklings (or pumped-up opposing titans, whichever you prefer) could hurl at him, it would just bounce off and smack them in their sissy little soft pink faces. So unless one of the opposite team happens to have a gift certificate to Bath and Body Works, Palance will triumph.

Wouldn't you just love to watch his face dissolve if it came into contact with any product containing aloe, vitamin E, and alpha hydroxy acids, though??

One armed push-ups? What was he thinking??


Moo! - Paul

You guys must be trying to let our brains cool off from deciding the last match by giving us something this easy. C'mon! You've got Jack Palance, a man who defines "tough old bastard" (you think Billy Crystal was actually JOKING when he was talking about what he was doing during the Oscars?) and Leonard Nimoy, who has access to the cosmic secrets of the universe thanks to hosting "In Search of", and WHO do you match up with them. First you've got Robert Stack, who if the Beavis and Butthead movie can be believed has an unholy fascination with body cavity searches (one wonders if he's searching for his head or something...); after pounding him for a while I imagine Palance will put his talents to their best use helping out a few more pregnant cows. Now John Walsh is a much more credible opponent given his fearsome ability to bring criminals to justice (an ability inevitably associated with superheroes, I might add), yet unfortunately this career has gained him more than a few enemies who will seek revenge upon him for landing them in jail cells. Even if none of the people he caught have finished serving 6 months on their 58 consecutive life sentences and been paroled yet, any criminals out there who see him will no doubt suspect he's after them and want to preemptively strike first, and you're never going to find such a large population of crooks and assorted villains as Washington DC. With those kinds of odds, Walsh will inevitably fall in a hail of bullets from some craven criminal killer before he can do much (although being a superhero as I noted above, he will at least conveniently reincarnate in time for next month's issue). Obviously it's Palance and Nimoy in a walk for this one.

- "Mad Dog" Mike

First, John Walsh. Yes, he's been instrumental in capturing America's Most Wanted", but all he does is stand there and talk, just like Shatner did when he performed his "music" on The Transformed Man (the CD of which I own purely for car wreck value, by the way). He never goes on the raids himself, therefore he will be utterly useless except to provide the voiceover while his partner gets his ass kicked. Speaking of which, this brings me to:

Robert Stack. You see, Brendan, it's funny you bring up the Transformers. You should have heard me sitting here and sniggering (Doesn't that word- and yes, I'm pretty sure it's a word- just make you want to vomit?) when you said that Robert Stack would be aided by the fact that he was Ultra Magnus. Do you remember who blew Ultra Magnus into whoopee-I-change-into-a-car-carrier bits? Yes, it was our good friend Galvatron. Now, do you remember who voiced Galvatron? Yes, it was Leonard Nimoy!!!!!

So you see, since John Walsh is totally impotent (stop laughing, I didn't mean it like that), and Robert Stack has been blown up by Leonard Nimoy once before, Jack Palance will be doing one-armed pushups while Leonard does his rendition of Proud Mary to cleanse the area of the media-induced overhipness bled into it by the (thankfully) late Ricky Martin (or, as I like to call him, Buckethead- watch his head and neck in the LLVL video) before you can say "it's O.K. because it was the 60s and everyone was on drugs".

Meanwhile, in his insidious lair, the vile Puff Daddy begins to sample Buckethead and Iron Butterfly for his most hideous bastardization yet: Inn-a-gadda-da-vida Loca. May Mr. T stop him quickly and without mercy.

- The Maniac Clown

Well once again we must look at outside factors in this match. Namely, Mystery Science Theater 3000. I know what you're thinking: HUH?!

Well it's very simple. MST3K is a perfect 2-0 in Grudge Matches thus far. They are also a science-fiction type of programming. Spock-and therefore Leonard Nimoy-is Science-fiction, so you have to like his chances, merely by association. Spock's embarrassing 8th place finish in the battle royal will only help him. Seeing his head laying on the ground in front of him-realizing that, just this once, he DIDN'T cheat death, will serve to give him a case of THE RAGE (tm). Forget Jack Palance, Nimoy could take these 2 bozos by himself. Nimoy and Palance in under 30 seconds. Thank you, drive home safely.

- Dark Fact

C'mon, man! It's Jack Palance! He's got the face of a leather jacket! He's got a...a...a raspy voice! And a... aww, who am I kidding.

- Tracer malone

Jack Palance can do one armed pushups, man. You don't f@%! with a man who can do one armed pushups.

- beej

Of course Stack and Walsh will win. Just look how pissed they are. Nimoy and Palance are awash in giddiness, and as anyone who has ever watched Daria knows, people who think they're happy make easy targets.

Ignorance is bliss, fellas. Jack and Lenny won't know what hit 'em.

- Hurricane Andrew

I don't have any idea what's going on, so I'll just look at the pictures. Hmm... Nimoy and Palance will win. The other guys (I forget their names) look ordinary, and Nimoy looks like... himself, but Jack Palance looks just plain EVIL. I always side with evil because good is DUMB!

- Colonel Zippo Kanaza

Please, Jack Palance would waste Walsh and Stack by himself. Ol' Curly doesn't need any help from Leonard's ancient ass. Jack'd have 'em tied up and horsewhipped in the time it took Leonard to find out he didn't have a phaser with him.

- Johnny Mack

I don't believe that EVERYONE in the Washington Press Corps died. I think one comes out of the rubble and makes his presence known:

I'm Sam Donaldson and I'm okay
My hair-do saved my life today.
He's Sam Donaldson and he's okay
His "hair"-do saved his life today

I block phasers and flashy things
And space ships that hover
I block all clubs and beer kegs
With my comb-over


I badmouth Bill. I say my piece.
I laugh at Hillary
I hob-knob with ol' George Will
And hit on dear Cokie


I comb over and then around
And spray hairs 'til they set
I add a tub of hair jell
It's such a great helmet


- Mark Wentz

Nimoy makes a few phone calls, and a few hours later, as this closely matched battle rages on, the dozens of criminals caught via America's Most Wanted and Unsolved Mysteries who are currently on parole descend on the are, beating Robert Stack and John into a bloody, unidentifiable mess.

Nimoy and Palance get out while the getting's good, making one more phone call before leaving.

William Shatner shows up in his Rescue 911 ambulance to rush the beaten crimefighters to the nearest hospital and ends up becoming the next victim.

At least, that's the way it should happen.

- The way it should happen

Towards the bottom of page two of last week's responses, there was an editor's note saying that teen-age girls have no interest in this page. My friend Kailin (Lady Mab Of DragonHood) is a teen-age girl. If either of you two wrote that, it was probably Shane. So I vote for Brendan's side.

- Jazz Solo-Gecko

We didn't say that teenage girls aren't interested in the page, but that they aren't interested in us. Big difference. Shane did write that, though, so your vote stands. - Eds

I dunno, guys. Given the extent of Palance's overacting in that SF gem, "Hawk the Slayer," I think he could win the fight based solely on forcing his opponents into bouts of uncontrollable retching. I mean, a few choice lines delivered in his finely over-emotive style would put even Shatner down for the count, and *that's* saying a lot.

- Another non-member of the Shatner fan club

Haiku(TM) time again.

Godzilla's hungry
Four TV stars for breakfast
Tommy Lee for tea!

- Nicky Lewer

C'mon! This one is easy! Jack Palance and Leonard Nimoy are silver screen vets! And either one could win a Death Match. Spock has, what makes us think that Nimoy can't?

Let's look at it this way. You mentioned that Palance was in Cops and Robbersons. Big Deal! If anything, that makes him a candidate for the RAGE (tm). Put into a Chevy Chase movie? That guy hasn't made anything good since the first Vacation movie. Anybody would tear someone a new one if they had THAT on their shoulders.

As for Nimoy, he's had to deal with Shatner for God-knows-how-long. You think he enjoyed it? You think he enjoys being second, under SHATNER of all people? You think he likes the fanbase that the show has earned? You think he likes being called Spock everywhere he goes? The man could host "In Search Of: A New Identity." That's a case of the RAGE for even a Red-Shirted Ensign. And for cryin' out loud, he was on the SIMPSONS! That clinches any Grudge Match. Never, NEVER mess with a Simpsons character.

As for Stack and Walsh, they don't stand a chance against a double dose of RAGE.

Believe it, or not...

- The courteous Kopper Golyathe, formerly Juan Cortez

The four combatants are about to begin the battle when, from out of the shadows, steps a new contestant. A man who has years of experience in real-life TV. Bob Saget surveys the other four. Saget is now full of the RAGE(TM), as anyone would be if they lost their job to Daisy Fuentes, and had to spend eight years working with the Olsen twins.

"You boys are in for a world of hurt" he says with the kind of menace that only Bob Saget can muster.

He then proceeds to unleash line after line of dialogue from Full House, said in the crappy cartoon voices that were his trademark on America's Funniest Home Videos, to make them that much more painful. All the other competitors flee the scene (as anyone would if they were faced with that dreck). Saget then commandeers the camera crew and tries to take the next step in rebuilding his career that began with him playing a cocaine-addict in "Half Baked".

- King of No Media

The one element that everyone is forgetting is age. At the sight of this mass destruction Stack,Nimoy,and Palance will go into massive cardiac arrest. Walsh will be the only one standing and carry his partner into the immortal halls of history.

- John "Jacknife" Giesen Jr.

In my book, John Walsh is a hero. Heroes beat actors any day of the week.

- Noel S.

Nimoy and Palance all the way. Palance won't exactly be a deciding factor, though he could potentially distract the crime-fighting duo while his partner goes for the kill. And it will be Nimoy who scores the finishing blow. He may not be getting any younger, but he can still do that Vulcan Neck Pinch (TM). Good night, boys.

Oh, and Brendan, you were right when you said Ultra Magnus went up against Galvatron. But you didn't mention that he got his candy ass kicked, and Wreck-Gar had to put him back together. Talk about pathetic...

- The Black Shadow - Master of the Night and Collector of Transformers

Palance and Nimoy are truly famous. I'd never heard of Stack or Walsh until now.

Hollywood Rule #13543: In Grudge Matches, the guy I've heard of wins (see Cousteau-Perkins).

- Zhirrzh

Brendan, Brendan, Brendan...

If you insist on referring to Transformers: The Movie, at least get your facts straight...

Robert Stack, for all I know, was Ultra Magnus, and he did inherit the leadership when Optimus Prime died...But if you had actually watched more than half an hour in, you'll discover that he couldn't open the damned Matrix, let alone use it to smite the Decepticons.

Galvatron blew Magnus up in no time flat due to Magnus' Matrix problems. Only when Rodimus Prime appeared did the Autobots have any chance of winning...

And who was Magnus' angel of death? Galvatron, Megatron's next evolutionary step, voiced by:

Leonard Nimoy

Don't even TRY to go one-on-one with the Great One of irrelevant pop culture trivia...

- Vlad, Unemployed Student Journalist of Wonder

Nimoy played Spock on Star Trek. Spock was a Vulcan. Vulcans are the progenitors of the Romulans. Romulan society was based after Earth's Roman Empire at the height of its military glory.

Palance played Attila the Hun in Sign of the Pagan. Attila's Hun empire stretched from the North Sea to the Ural Mountains and threatened Rome until the pope interceded and the Hun advance stopped. Huns were the "English soccer hooligans" of the ancient world. Nimoy and Palance both belong to the ancient world.

With ageless wisdom and the brutal strength of two empires between them, the only "unsolved mystery" left after this match is what happened to Walsh and Stack's corpus delecti.

- Chris 'Jedi' Knight being an unemployed historian does have its advantages!

In the immortal words of Robert Stack in the movie "BASEketball"....

"Nimoy and Palance could be hanging by a rope for all I fucking care."

Thank you.

- disco volante

Okay, kiddies. forget all other factors. It all comes down to this:

Jack Palance can kick the can of anyone or anything on this Earth, and I'm certain the same holds true for other Earths as well.

Besides, if he should by some unlikelyhood die, his identical twin brother Duke will come and take over.

So there.

- ~the Stranger

Robert Stack doesn't even need Walsh to win this match, and I'll tell you why. True, his humiliation at the hands of Shatner, Chase, etc. is quite serious, but one incident is still quite fresh in his mind. I am, of course, speaking of his run-in a few years back with everyone's favorite MTV rejects, Beavis and Butt-head. Beavis and $? @! Butt-head, for cryin' out loud! Not only was he unable to catch them as the most wanted "men" in America, he ended up needing their help in the end! I'm afraid to say that humiliation of this caliber can lead to one thing, and one thing only (yep, you guessed it) - the RAGE".

As he stands outside the White House, the flashbacks start to overwhelm him. "I want full cavity searches! Go deep on 'em!" is the last think Nimoy and Palance hear before their untimely demise...

- Waderick, webmaster of Waderick's Asylum.
"I'm not just the owner of the Asylum, I'm also a patient!"

Oh, god. Give me a break. You got three losers and Jack Palance. C'mon...Jack Palance. What are they going to do? Try and hit him. The man is made of leather. I mean the guy even makes a great bad guy..."Cash and Tango...Tango and Cash". It took two blockbuster stars to take him out. You think the hosts of two shows watched primarily by trailer park trash can even come close! And think about his name! Jack. Who else do we know with the name Jack? Jack Nicholson, the king of ... know that train of thought is scaring me so I'm going to stop there....

Nimoy? Well, he'll probably just get in the way so Jack will whoop his ass too.

- Mikey

To my knowledge, Leonard Nimoy has been to Washington twice.
1. In the WWWF Tournament of Champions--Leonard aka Spock, along with his bodyguard of 25, were bloodily massacred.
2. As an Air Force General in Invasion America--Leonard's character died within the first two episodes (he crashed his jet).

History shows, whenever Leonard shows up in D.C. he dies. I don't think this time will be any different.

- Atreyu

All four fighters vanish in a puff of smoke. No one can believe what has happened, the mystery is never solved, it sets a new record for government cover-up theories, and the authorities place whoever did it at the top of their LEAST wanted list. (people who are going to mysteriously die while in police custody)

- Michael Moon

With the Spock and Nimoy factor, the devastation in DC, and then the docu-tabloid shows, I don't see how William Shatner and "Rescue: 911" can be far behind. If the MIB were still alive, I'm sure they'd jump at the chance to capture the Big Giant Head, With the Big Giant Ego, and the Big Giant Toupee. They'd kill him for TekWar.

- MonkeyDog

This is so simple. Jack Palance has a face like a leather saddle (tm), as referred to is City Slickers. Who on this earth can tear a leather saddle( or even dent it ) with their bare hands.

Secondly, Nimoy's ability to keep the very limited Spock character running for more than 3 sequels shows amazing endurance and ability. Nothing can stand in the way of these two! Heck, they were probably the ones who levelled Washington just to lure the other two cronies out and then squash them. Ah, life is good!

- "'m not mental or anything..."

As the smiling picture of Leonard Nimoy is a Vulcan anathema, the Nimoy/Palance teamup just ain't gonna cut it.

Vulcan, it's what's for dinner.

- Mike Leung

I voted for Walsh and Stack since Shane is mocking my country. Damn anarchist scum. In my day we had we had the musack box. And it played only the good stuff and sometimes it would just blow up in your face and we liked it that way! Nothing from Star Trek can win either. Plus in Beavis and Butthead:Huh huh for Hollywood the dimwitted duo walk in on Nimoy taking a dump, his defenses must be poor. Plus America's most Wanted is a cooler show than Star Trek.

- Captain Demento

To everyone who volunteered to Sedate Vlad™: We have a new subject for you. - Eds

The shows that Robert Stack and John Walsh are on are actually responsible for people being found. The Leonard Nimoy and Jack Palance shows just tell the same story about it fifty years later...

- Darth Brooks - Sensitive Redneck Dark Jedi(TM)

Stack and Walsh keep asking me for help to do all their dirty work for them. I mean, what the hell am I going to do for them? Brew their coffee? There's no way I'm getting involved in this one. Stack and Walsh are left in the lurch by me and other right-thinking citizens of the country and nerve pinched in half a minute.

- King

Yes, it is possible to have more Rage" than Devin the Mental Hospital Escapee". However, it takes "very bad things" to do that. Sadly, John Walsh has been through that, with the incident with his child in the early 80's.

And heaven help the [expletive deleted] who gets in his way!!!

- Tristan "MWSC's most wanted" Pratt

Who in the world thought up this pairing?

- A Curious fan

Keep reading. You'll find out. - Eds

Jack Palance was the "Evil Rothbart" in the Swan Princess children's movie. Now, I am all for cartoons, love 'em to death, but if he has stooped so low in his career, it should be easy for God (oh, ah, er ahem, Robert Stack that is, of course, hehe...) to take him down.

- One girl in 2.5 billion

There is only a single factor one need look at in this fight. Nimoy has been fighting off crazed and perhaps drugged Trekkies for 30+ years. He takes those other two pitiful bums BY HIMSELF in under 3.75 seconds!!

- Nazgul

It's well known that Tango and Cash is the greatest movie ever made. Was Robert Stack in Tango and Cash? I don't think so. Was John Walsh in Tango and Cash? No sirree Bob. Was Jack Palance? You bet your ass he was! Was Leonard Nimoy? Well, no, but he's saddled with Jack Palance on this one, and he's more than enough to win. Heh heh heh ... "I heard you're the second best cop in L.A." ... that still kills me.

- Kilgore Trout

So you go from a tournament of champions to this. Great match followed up by a squash involving somebody really old, two guys that are somewhat old, and a minor celebrity nobody really cares about.

It's WCW! Since I can't really think of anything better, we must follow WCW tag team rules.

Which means:
1. The really old guy (Palance) will be on the winning team.
2. His partner will turn on him (probably after hitting him with a jade monkey skull or something). Other team will join in on beatdown.
3. Save is made (in this case by Billy Crystal and Gheorghe Muresan).
4. Depending on how much time is left in program, somebody else will run-in once again giving the villains the advantage. (I'll say The Joker with Beavis and Butthead)
5. This won't really be settled until the next PPV, which in Grudge Match means: WrestleManya V! (Order today! Card subject to change.)

- Ubiq

O.K. I don't have a clue who Stack or Walsh are, but for reasons why they're gonna lose, see below:

1. As far as I can ascertain, Stack is a failed actor( 'Hi, my name is Robert Stack. You may remember me from such B movies as BASEketball, Joe Versus the Volcano and 1941' to those out there who have a life [see argument 4] this is an obvious Simpsons insult)

2.Also as far as I can ascertain: Walsh is a Crimewatch type TV presenter. RE: the recent murder of Jill Dando, English Crimewatch TV presenter. Hint.

3.At heart all Ground Zero people are scifi freaks. NIMOY WAS SPOCK (, he's not...well maybe he is. But hey, at least he's not Shatner). This is one of the ultimate sci fi characters - how could us fans refuse?

4. Fact: There is no Star Trek Jihad (There is a Jihad) on Ground Zero, as has most recently been proven by the crushing defeat of Spock last match. There is however an as-yet untapped source of lunacy and idiocy. Who could be more stupid than to back last match's loser?

- Guildenstern.

Foolish mortals! You have invoked the Gods of America's Funniest Home Videos! Whenever the cameras of AFHV are rolling, only 4 things can happen (1)Somebody gets hit in the crotch (2)Somebody trips and falls (3)A cute kid/animal does something painfully cute OR (4) Somebody does something insanely stupid or dangerous. As Palance/Nimoy are working the Ripley's angle, Item 4 is clearly invoked. Since the commentators are never actually involved in the stupid/dangerous stunt, Walsh and Stack are doomed.


Lesse.....Stack was Ultra Magnus....however, Nimoy was Galvatron, and Unicron to boot. Galvatron blew up Ultra Magnus. Therefore, through the laws of Transformer-related coolness, Nimoy wins, only to get bitch-slapped by James Earl Jones.

- The varmitlord

With commentary from both sides of the argument displaying "Shatner connections" why is there not a BOTH KILLED option?

But back to the analysis--
It would seem that "Ripley's" is more that sufficient to compensate for "In search of". In Nimoy's show, we never got the answers to the mysteries. Plus, in spite of denying his identity of Spock, Nimoy is STILL unable to separate himself from Star Trek and according to unofficial Grudge Match rules (tm), TREK MUST LOSE.

Therefore, Palance must carry all the weight. However, this will not affect the outcome. "Unsolved Mysteries" and "America's Most Wanted" both rely so heavily on the viewers providing all the information to catch the villain. Stack and Walsh won't be able to keep up with "Ripley's" already having the answers before the show is even filmed. The viewers only need to decide to "Believe it or not".

Case closed

- Topcat

As with all things Grudge... this match boils down to WHO IS MORE EVIL... let's look at the participants.

John Walsh... took advantage of his son's murder to vault himself into the national spotlight... not bad... get you a cool spot in Hell...

Robert Stack... Opposed HOMER SIMPSON! I don't think I need to tell you that the Beer Baron's enemy must be Satan himself!

Leonard Nimoy... Guilty of... mediocrity? Come on, this guy is about as evil as Beanie Babies. Plus, he's a TREK ICON, and therefore is doomed to lose by law.(Chapter 3, section X, Grudge Rules, right underneath "French automatically lose")

Jack Palance... the living embodiment of RAGE(tm.) Could whip his weight in wimps while hosting "Ripley's Believe It or Not" with his daughter(mmm.... Holly Palance...). But he's a GOOD GUY. Sorry, but Evil... triumphs... Good... dumb.

This is a walkaway victory for Stack and Walsh by bureaucratic decree. Fitting... what's more evil than red tape? And I should know. I'm...

Todd Evil
(Fear my evil ellipses!)

- Todd Evil

I can't believe that Palance and Nimoy are winning. It's them darn Trekkie fan-slobbering-boys. Heel, boy, heel boy!! Whistle! Heel damnit!

Personally, I liked Transformers better than Trek and John Walsh is studlier than Nimoy ever was.

"Autobots, transform and roll out!"

- Jaid Diah

It all comes down to which one of these four wants victory the most. While all of them would equally like to be seen as the new leader in journalism (spelled "L-I-B-E-R-A-L"), there is more at stake than that. Once this opportunity is ended, they need to secure their TV futures. Whoever wins this battle will be able to claim DC as their home turf. But who wants it more?

JOHN WALSH: "America's Most Wanted" is concerned with bringing wanted criminals to justice. The only problem is that if he is successful, there won't be enough politicians free to run the government. With the leaders of this great country unable to use their infinite wisdom to guide us and the rest of the Free World, crime-ridden general anarchy or crime-free libertarian utopia will rule the land. Neither of them is particularly profitable for his show. Of course, he probably could take over as President if he was willing to take a pay cut. But if he screws up, he becomes the prize pupil at Kenneth Starr's School of Flipping Burgers.

JACK PALANCE: "Ripley's Believe or Not" seeks out semi-obscure true stories that people don't know but are still interesting. You know, not too serious as to scare people off and not too silly as to be a waste of time. This is a perfect description of the current evening news. Unfortunately on an one hour show, how many Marion Barry stories can you do? OK, you can do A LOT of Marion Barry stories but eventually you have to do demeaning cute human interest crap like "Garfield: President and Cartoon Cat." Plus, Jack couldn't tolerate being on MSNBC for very long before attempting to strangle Don Imus.

LEONARD NIMOY: "In Search Of" takes utterly ridiculous stories and tries to make them sound plausible. This leaves Nimoy with such interesting topics as "Democracy: Myth or Legend?" and "Newt Gingrich: Speaker or Sasquatch?" In no time, the only acting jobs he is qualified for are co-star with Jonathan Frakes and William Shatner in "Alien Autopsy Rescue: 911" or fill-in host for Jerry Springer. Star Trek conventions start sounding real good in comparison. In addition, there is a good chance Jon Stewart of "The Daily Show" would have him killed.

ROBERT STACK: "Unsolved Mysteries" not only does supernatural stories and unsolved crimes, but it also features lost loves. Ted Kennedy and Thomas Jefferson alone will keep this show going for the next millennium. And just wait until he gets his hands on Bill Clinton. "Have you seen this penis? If you have, you could be the lost love we are looking for...." Considering that the type of women Bubba tends to date probably don't watch the evening news, the President will be newly revealed to hundreds if not thousands of former girlfriends. After the palimony suits subside, expect a truly repentant President doing his best Jimmy Swaggart impression in prime time. You know, I just can't get enough of that stuff for my money.

Robert Stack wins before you can say "Go, Baby!"

- Paul G.

Nice work, Paul ... but we're still revealing THE TRUTH ...

The Truth Is Out There™ Award

The Loch Ness Monster. Bigfoot. The lost city of Atlantis. Ricky Martin's appeal. I'm Henry Silva. In the next hour, we'll investigate these phenomena and ask the question: Bullshit or Not?

Our first bullshit re-creation tells the tale of a poorly received match. It begins in the WWWF Towers, a ramshackle building on the wrong side of the Jersey tracks...

After writing a story that resulted in the mass destruction of Washington, D.C., the WWWF Ground Zero editorial staff are meeting to discuss the next storyline. The two token Canadians are passed out in a corner, sleeping off their Yoohoo and grain alcohol drinking binge while the others are trying desperately to not earn the ire of the Grand Poobah, one Paul Golba.

"Ok, how about this boss," begins the one they call Shane.

"I told you maggots to call me Grand and Exalted Poobah," exclaims the group leader.

"Yes Grand Exalted Poobah," the conscious ones chant in unison.

"How about we get Jessica Fletcher and Heather Locklear to wrestle in Jell-O?" Shane asks meekly.

"An interesting idea," replies the Poobah. "How about we feed you your own internal organs?"

Camera pans to a white wall that becomes splattered with blood as shadows wrestle in the background.

"Let that be a lesson to the rest of you," reprimands the Poobah. "I don't pay you nothing to come up with lame match suggestions. Now what other brilliant suggestions are there?"

"We could have a match with South Park," suggests Mark, the Minnesotan.

"No, that won't do," the Poobah sighs. "We can't have two blockbuster matches in a row. We need something that will suck, so the readers can appreciate the brilliance of my commentary when I get my next match."

Brendan cautiously suggests "Um... There's some blood on it, but I think the suggestion file is under the remains of Shane's skull. Maybe we can find a match suggestion in that."

"That's why you're my favorite," exclaims the Poobah.

Brushing away bone and gray matter, Brendan opens the suggestion file to a random page and reads. "How about Jack Palance versus Robert Stack?"

"It needs something," the Poobah ponders. "We should add Leonard Nimoy and John Walsh, to make the match more confusing. Let's get cracking on the script."

Twenty-seven seconds later, the scenario is complete, just as a blackout hits the mighty WWWF Towers. A door is broken down and the sound of a human struggle fills the air. When the lights return, the seats the Poobah and Brendan had been sitting in were now empty.

Did Devin, the mental hospital escapee abscond with the WWWF Ground Zero leader and his favorite sycophant, Brendan? Was Jack the Ripper really a 60-foot sea monster from Scotland? Did I take this job for a quick buck? We may never know the answers to these questions...

- HotBranch!

I must set the record straight, and say that I proposed Della Reese instead of Heather Locklear. Aside from that, this is the real story of the match. Believe it ... or not. - Shane(deceased)

From the response, it is clear that this match was a bonafide grade-A turkey. Well, pobody's nerfect. To prevent such duds in the future, nuns with rulers have been released into the WWWF Tower. WHACK! - Eds.


The Final Word

..... Dude..... it's Jack. <shrug> Come on.

- D@t@Kun

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Spock v. Data
Clint Eastwood v. John Wayne
Marlin Perkins v. Jacques Cousteau

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Next match: Bazookas and bazooms...
ETA: Wednesday, August 4th.

© 1999, WWWF Ground Zero; © 2000, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC