Los Angeles Shrine Auditorium, March 25th, 2001: The orchestra plays, the audience applauds, and a tuxedo-clad Steve Martin walks to center stage.
"Now, the moment you've all been waiting for--and no, it's not Jennifer Lopez's latest outfit coming undone. It's time to present the Academy Award for Worst Movie. The nominees are--"
"Hold it!" There are gasps as Billy Crystal comes tearing into view, stage right. "I couldn't stay away, folks, not with this crowd of turkeys to inspire my medley." He dons an immense Psychlo hairpiece out of Battlefield Earth. "I'll take it from here, Steve. Hit it, maestro."
"Can it, maestro." Whoopi Goldberg swaggers in, stage left. "Sorry, fellas, but this is my gig. I've learned some brand new curses since '99 that I'm gonna use on that (CENSORED)(CENSORED) President Boy George, so you two can take your sorry, never-even-got-nominated lily-white (CENSORED)es and get off the stage."
"Billy, Whoopi, I'm the host here. If my saying so offends you or makes you uncomfortable--WELL EXCUUUUUUUSE MEEEEEEE!" Steve tears off his tuxedo, revealing his classic white suit beneath, and dons his battle gear: the arrow-through-the-head.
So, gentlemen, who's the host with the most, and who's toast?
Billy Crystal vs. Whoopi Goldberg vs. Steve Martin
MARK: Jumping Jack Flash! It doesn't take Guinan to figure out that Crystal and Our Friend, Martin don't have a Ghost of a chance against this Sister Act! Ever notice how Steve Martin closes his eyes when he gets in a confrontation. Perfect opportunity for Whoopi to twirl him senseless with her dreadlocks-o-death. Billy Crystal has made being small a career move. Whoopi can headlock him until he's the Color Purple. She'll just put the Boys on the Side and the show will be hers. Dreadlocks or headlocks, The Little Rascals will have a Long Walk Home after tangling with The Player.
And how glorious that will be, too. I'm tired of Billy Crystal's self-deprecating humor. And Steve Martin with his wild and crazy shtick? Back to the seventies for him. Nope, bring me the sharp-tongued razzing that can only be done by one Whoopi Goldberg. Bad movies need to be put in their place. There is no use for them--now that Mystery Science Theater 3000 is off the air. Whoopi's blunt and direct heckling combined with the 2000 retirement of Alan Smithee should bring an end to such horrible, horrible films. Who wants to make a bad film when you might have to actually attach your own name to it? Who wants to endure a Whoopi Goldberg monologue about how much you stink?
Billy Crystal making a medley of the bad movies would only increase them. It would become let's-laugh-at-ourselves ploy for movie studios to gain acceptance through good natured ribbing. Steve Martin would probably turn the Academy Awards into a, if you'll pardon the expression, "chick flick." What we need is the person who helped make the Friar's Club blush! The Friar's Club! Anyone who can do that can turn the movie studios into businesses of quality. That's the person we need! That person is Whoopi Goldberg!
Let's not forget that she's bigger and/or stronger than either of her two opponents. When she's done, it will be Billy Crystal and Steve Martin in need of Comic Relief. After chewing up these two hors d'oeuvres, Whoopi will be ready for a helping of barbecued celluloid.
For the love of all that is quality entertainment, please vote for Whoopi Goldberg! Thank you!
SHANE: Before I begin my advocacy of the inevitable winner, Steve Martin, let me take a moment to finish off Whoopi's chances once and for all.
Six seasons on Star Trek: The Next Generation
I've been on the sharp end of the "Star Trek Must Lose" rule more often than I can count. High time it worked in my favor. I need say no more. (Which is too bad. I had dozens of jokes about Ted Danson and Bruce Vilanch ready, but they'd just waste time now.)
With the field down to two, Steve has all the advantages. He can win with finesse or brute strength in all disciplines. His wit can be a rapier--this is a man who made a play about Einstein and Picasso howlingly funny--or a blunt instrument--c'mon, how subtle is an arrow through the head? His dexterity playing the banjo augurs nimbleness in battle--or he could just whomp Billy over the head with that banjo, or better, peck him to death with his nose. He's got brains (two to be exact), charm (he usually does get the girl), and best for this match, he's a Dirty Rotten Scoundrel. There's also that unofficial Grudge Match rule: "Never bet on the white guy." Anyone who's seen The Jerk knows that, with Whoopi dispatched, Steve's the only one left who can capitalize.
And look at Billy. Is that a mighty warrior you see? More like the shrimpy kid in the schoolyard who always loses his lunch money. Whining for help gets him nowhere: Jack Palance isn't up for an award, so he's home doing one-armed push-ups of the liquid variety; Robert De Niro is still getting in touch with his feelings; and Norman the cow, while personally safe in wacky vegetarian Hollywood, is no offensive threat.
Steve Martin's Happy Feet will soon be doing a victory dance.
PAUL: To learn why Billy Crystal will win, just Analyze This commentary. (Yes, I know that is a lame movie reference. I have a quota to fill. You try fitting When Harry Met Sally into a meaningful sentence.)
Mark, I want to thank you as one of the little people that made my victory possible. Whoopi is going to destroy bad movies?!? You mean the same woman who starred in cinema feces like "Burglar", "Sister Act 2" and IMDB Bottom 100 "Theodore Rex"? Apparently, she'll take herself out. Please, a moment of silence before Charo takes over the Center Square(tm).
That just leaves Steve Martin, a man who credits his success to "getting to know" Jon Lovitz. Be still my heart!
The key to this battle is experience and hosting, and rookie Steve Martin has none. Mr. Crystal has been the Oscar host seven times and therefore knows all the secrets. He knows where the stars hide the performance enhancing "uppers". He knows just where to stomp on stage to activate the Trapdoor of Long Speeches(tm). He knows which foods at the animal-friendly pre-show buffet make the best weapons. The amateur will quickly grab the banana peel and pineapple. Little does he understand the funny yet deadly combination of lemon juice and zucchini. His ignorance will be his doom.
As if this was not enough, Billy is a master of disguise. This is a man who can convincingly imitate Sammy Davis, Jr., of all people (hey, who's the white guy now?). Once Steve loses sight of him in one of the dance numbers, Billy becomes the T-1000 of Hollywood. He could be anyone: Raquel Welch, Tom Hanks, Pauly Shore the janitor (no, that's not a typo). While Mr. Martin is distracted by a Garry Shandling sighting, Leonardo DiCaprio Crystal presents him with the Oscar for Best Blunt Trauma Victim.
As usual, Billy Crystal just looks Mahvelous(tm)!
Uh, guys? (Is this thing on?) Guys? Aren't you forgetting someone? The man who's hosted the Academy Awards (tm) more times than all these pretenders put together, squared and cubed? The man who has a golf club and is not afraid to waggle it back and forth while he reads Kentucky Fried Chicken jokes off enormous cue cards? The man who is filled with RAGE (tm) over his constant failure to win Dorothy Lamour in all those "Road" movies with Der Bingle? The nearly one, the practically only BOB HOPE!
What happens between the greaseball, the TNG sage and the Man With Lily Tomlin's Soul is as irrelevant as the lyrics in a [Fill in name of any rock star since about 1970] song. Mr. Hope can single-handedly destroy them all the way he destroyed me: By doing another one of his endless specials, right there on the stage. "Hey, I wanna tell ya, how about them new-fangled reality shows, hah?" If the monologue doesn't make them tumble to the simulated plastic floor, the special guest rendition of "Mr. Cellophane" by Barbara Eden (appropriately clad in a huge plastic sandwich wrapper) will have all three of them begging the men from Price Waterhouse (tm) to lend them their die-rather-than-reveal-the-best-gaffer-award cyanide pills.
But does it end there? No, because while Bob is sticking to his script (pausing only briefly to smirk at the shuddering wrecks who were once the Billster, the Whoopmeister and the semi-Stevola), the awards show will be taken over by a host who isn't afraid to ad-lib: Jerry Lewis. The last time he hosted the Oscars (tm), back in the '50s, he wound up with 10 minutes of dead air time--yes, report it to Jack Palance, there really was an awards show that ran short--and let the whole thing degenerate into a free-for-all with the whole audience coming up on the stage to dance. They never let him host again. Now Jerry's back, and he's pumped full of Buddy Love Juice (tm). By the time he's through, the awards statue itself will be cross-eyed. Of course, he'll also cause all the Oscars (tm) to be awarded to French films, but if Asterix doesn't deserve a lifetime achievement award, who does?
- Captain Corcoran-- was going to write a song parody a la Crystal, but couldn't rhyme "Goldberg" with anything
Steve Martin: Played The Jerk
Steve: Well Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me!
Steve: Arrow through the head.
Steve: King Tut
And for the King Gimps playing at home:
Why do good actors keep on making bad movies? The same Billy Crystal
who was in "The Princess Bride" and ""City Slickers" makes "Father's
Day?" The same Steve Martin who makes "Roxanne" and "Planes, Trains
and Automobiles" makes "The Out-of-Towners?" These recent movies are
simply impossible to like.
- Wubbie (I'll take Lanny Poffo to block)
Since they're fighting for the right to present the award for worst movie of the year (and why are they even bothering with the presentation, just give the award to Battlefield Earth already so we can all go do something worthwhile), it is only fair that the winner be determined by judging the worst movie each of our combatants has appeared in.
Steve Martin: Hands down, the worst piece of shit Steve's been in is Sgt. Bilko. Besides being just plain unfunny it has additional points against it for being an adaption of an old TV show. Still, thanks to this film he has a troop of lovable military misfits to back him up in battle, which might give him some sort of edge in the fight to come.
Billy Crystal: My Giant. Holy crap did this movie suck, and Billy even had the gall to mention it during one of his notoriously hammy Oscar medleys. What an asshole. Still, a giant foreign guy who plays professional basketball can kick the crap out of a bunch of lovable military misfits any day. At least he can if there's any justice in the world.
Whoopi Goldberg: I was on the verge of naming that movie she was in with Ted Danson (What was that crapfest called anyway? It was so bad I'm not even gonna bother looking it up on the IMBD.) but as a Star Trek fan I gotta go with the sentimental least favorite, Star Trek: Generations. Star Trek always loses. Sorry Whoopi.
So, it comes down to Steve Martin and Billy Crystal. I wanna say Steve Martin will win, simply because Billy Crystal has already had his fifteen minutes of awards show fame . . . and stuck around for an extra hour while everyone rolled their eyes and clapped out of pity. My Giant really was a horrifically bad movie though. I still have nightmares.
The Winner: Billy Crystal, who a few minutes after his presentation of the award to Battlefield Earth will be horribly crushed when his wire mounted chariot loses control during the big Gladiator/Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon parody musical number.
- Don "King" Milliken
It would take a miracle for Billy Crystal to win this one. Fortunately, however, his role in Princess Bride as Miracle Max gives him career experience in providing miracles on demand. Anybody who can raise the dead with one chocolate-covered pill of goodness should have no trouble making these other two ALL dead.
- "Mad Dog" Mike ("Have fun storming the Oscars!")
Jumping Jack Flash, LA Story, The Man With 2 Brains, The Associate, Leap of Faith.
Need I say More
- Shaun The Other White Meat
Hmm. I need to Analyze This... (ducks) - Paul
Only one reference to The Jerk.
That certainly isn't Shinola(tm)
- Charles Wachsmuth
"First I get my name in the phone and now I'm on your ass. Ya know, I'll bet more people see that then the phone book."
With publicity like that how could Steve Martin lose?
- Milo Bloom
Billy Crystal's out. He got fired in The Princess Bride by a guy named Humperdink. Humperdink. Not only does it sound pathetic, it's probably French. That's gotta hurt, being fired by a pathetic Frenchie.
Whoopi was on Star Trek: The Next Generation. Nothing more needs to be said.
Steve Martin...Well, I saw The Jerk, and it's not funny. Idiot.
So, now the Oscars are being given out by Joe, Keanu, and Tori. What horrors.
WHAT!?! A gazillion movie references in a match featuring Steve Martin and NOBODY even mentions The Three Amigos? This is indeed a dark day for the grudge match(tm).
"The current totals are: 10:2, 10:5, 22:7, BillyCrystal:22, WhoopiGoldberg:0, and SteveMartin:0 votes." First off, who are 10 and 22? Second, why is 10 listed twice? And finally, how can anyone vote for numbers who haven't even been argued for? It's a classic case where only "All Mangled and Killed" should be applied. (See voting results if you're confused)
- Bee Feater
There were some problems with the voting system which have since been fixed. - Eds.
...after the show, Billy will present Brian and Steve with a Academy Award for best actors for bribing the security guard to break Steve and Whoopi's knee caps
- Dabe "The New Prodigy"
No one can defeat those Wild and Crazy guys, the Festrunk Brothers! No two Ukranian brothers can swing so succesfully in tight slacks!
Nice fight, guys, but with a new episode of "The Sopranos" on and the likely forerunner for Best Picture being Chocolat, I don't think anyone will bother watching to see it.
- Charge Man
I voted for Steve Martin. I had to vote for Steve Martin. Why? becuase in the pictures you showed, Steve was portayed as a guy, while the other two were shown as ugly women. *Really* ugly women. Ugly women just don't host award shows. Its bad for ratings...
- The Animator.
A grudge match.....based on only a movie, book, TV show, or whatever....but other grudge matches. Wow guys, you've become so bulkly as to become self-sustaining!
- Katrover Swatroad
I'm sorry, but Billy Crystal would mop the floor with Steve and Whoopi. Why? Think about it.
Billy Crystal has connections. He has experience. And most of all...he's not as annoying as either Whoopi or Steve. Billy Crystal can call in the reinforcements on this one and be backed by Robert DeNiro, Andre the Giant (Okay, he's dead, but so what?), or any of a host of other people that he has been in a film with.
And if all elese fails, Crystal can fake that he is MOSTLY dead. But remember, MOSTLY DEAD is PARTLY ALIVE. Therefore, once Whoopi and Steve think they've bested him, Billy can get up and get some of his many Hollywood friends to take out the other two would-be hosts.
- Lord Soth
Two fighters stand in their respective corners facing outward but one is facing inward, gathering strength. The bell rings and they come out scrapping. BAM! Who knew that Steve had been studying Tae Kwon Do in his off-time? His Buddhist links are really working! Billy takes one in the gut but the tough little guy ain't out yet. He grabs Goldberg by the dreads to use her as a shield only to find razor-wire interwoven and his hands are shredded! Turning, he catchs a spinning hook-kick for a ten count, blood gushing, he's shot. Goldberg kicks Billy in the nads as he falls over, he is truly done. But Whoopi, never one to pass up an opportunity, sticks him with a fork to prove it. Meanwhile, Steve, now in the Lotus position, breathes deep, harnesses his CHI, and catches Goldberg's foot as she tries to kick him from behind, in the ancient rear-lock grab, and twists it. She drops, Steve pivots, and assumes the tactically correct but politically incorrect man-on-top position. Steve gets a fast blood hold and Whoopi finds herself fading until she hears her vertebre starting to crackle, a twist, a snap, and the last thing that passes through her mind is the thought, "But I have some many more leftist agendas to get done!"
- GUNNY GAIL
Looks like we have a pretty weak batch of combatants to choose from for this matchup. Check them out.
Steve Martin: Once upon a time, Steve Martin was considered a really great talent. But that was back in the 1970's when "Saturday Night Live" was actually funny. But now, both are pale shadows of what they once were. Aside from appearing in a few weak films in recent years, Steve Martin has done nothing of any significance lately. This would eminently qualify him to host awards shows in the real world, but this is the Grudge Match and that doesn't cut it.
Whoopi Goldberg: Aside from being the center square in "Hollywood Squares", Whoopi has had a rather checkered career. Most of her films have been overly preachy about race issues ("The Color Purple") or utter crap ("Jumping Jack Flash", etc.). About her only halfway decent film role was in the original "Sister Act". Even then, the film was largely carried by the comic talents of the other nuns. On TV, Whoopi's only good role (and probably her best role ever) was Guinan on "Star Trek: The Next Generation". While Guinan would make a wonderful hostess for just about any program, this match only concerns Whoopi Goldberg. Therefore, she too will fall by the wayside.
Billy Crystal: Actually Billy Crystal is rather funny when he does his celebrity impressions like Sammy Davis Jr. or Fernando Lamas. He does have considerable Oscar experience and that would qualify him to win this match. In fact, I think he would win except that his career too has gone downhill since his success in "City Slickers". Besides, he has already done just about all of his good awards show schtick already. However, if we are just limited to these three, Billy Crystal will win.
But, I feel there is another option. As most people have figured out, the Academy Awards are a fixed competition. How else can one explain that Russell Crowe is considered the favorite in the Best Actor category for "Gladiator" over the vastly superior Tom Hanks who had a more difficult part in the much better film "Cast Away"? Since it is generally believed that the Oscars are rigged, I think the host should be someone who has vast experience with rigged competitions. The winner should be none other than Vince McMahon - event fixer extraordinaire. So, "Let's get ready to rumble!"
- The Demented Astronomer
Steve Martin has the Wild And Crazy Factor (tm) going for him here, but he doesn't need to use it. Certainly, he's more capable of hammering the opposition into a pulp, using his superlative slapstick fighting abilities. But he doesn't need to. Instead, he dives for the microphone, and manages to shrieks two words into it before a pummeling from Whoopi's dreadlocks puts him out for the count:
Michael Caine appears from the audience, naked except for a double-barrelled shotgun, but nobody is willing to point this out to him. "BLAM!" Both rounds tear into Whoopi Goldberg, who collapses in a pool of dreadlock roots (in an unscreened "Star Trek: The Next Generation" episode, her entire body was taken over by hair follicles).
This leaves only Billy Crystal (uninjured) and Steve Martin (unconscious). Now, I admit that Michael Caine is that bit older than Billy Crystal, but we have to consider Mr. Caine's considerable stamina. He's been in more films than most of us know of (his energy is amazing), and he was in London gangster films before wusses like Guy Richie tried to rejuvenate the genre. Plus, he's now Sir Michael Caine, which means that he must have a sword somewhere.
Steve might be unconscious, but that's better than being hacked to bits by a Dirty Rotten Scoundrel.
Jack Nicholson smiles from his roost at the carnage, but that could just as well be at having taken a Grudgie or for simply being Jack.
- My name is The Nestbeschmutzer.
As a cold, warm blooded Canadian drunk on Molson's(tm), I haven't much insight into this match. I'll base my choice on their pictures. Billy Crystal is in drag. I wonder if there's any connection between that and the abuse he suffered,but deserved, at the hands of Jack Palance in "City Slickers". Whoopie has white paste all over her face. Any time you here about a black person becoming white, one name comes to mind: Michael Jackson. I ain't voting for some one who reminds me of that twisted freak of nature. Steve Martin reminds me of an Egyption pharoah. Too bad I flunked ancient history. Damn, this isn't helping at all!! Let's see. Think, damn it!............... ....... ........................ .......................... ................... ........ OH HELL!! ALL MAIMED AND KILLED!! WHAT!!? THE BUTTON'S NOT HERE!!? SCREW THIS, I NEED A BEER!! .....
- felling left out PSYCHO JAY.
*The music stops and the lights are dimmed. Someone comes over a loudspeaker.*
"We would like to inform you at this time that the people who hired the people to host this awards ceremony have just been sacked. We apologize for any inconvenience and will be restarting the awards ceremony shortly, at great expense and with several last-minute alterations...."
- ~DoraMouse (natch to anyone who gets the Monty Python reference)
Will there be a Dead Oscars Hosts Sketch? (being directed by Ed Wood, just married Anna Nicole Smith (or OJ Simpson), starring in Hamlet...) - Eds.
This match will be determined by the basic rules of Grudge Match. For some reason the commentary ignored these.
Rule One: Star Trek Always Loses.
I seem to recall reading that one of Whoopi Goldberg's early roles was 'answering the space phone for the white guy'. Since what I was reading was a list of '100 reasons why Star Trek sucks' (hey, I'm a slow learner, I need these things explained to me), this gives Ms Goldberg a link to Star Trek. The Star Trek Always Loses rule overides the 'Never Bet On The White Guy' rule. Whoopi goes down.
Rule Two: The French always lose. Always. (Cross-Refernce: Picard, Jean-Luc)
Steve Martin starred in 'Roxanne'. 'Roxanne' was a remake of 'Cyrano de Bergerac' in a modern setting. 'Cyrano de Bergerac' was a French film about a French bloke with a big nose (and when the French reckon you've got a big nose, it's time to start hiding from ivory poachers). Not only do the French always lose, but it is acknowledged that physical deformity is death at the polls in politics.
Tragically, this leaves Billy Crystal as the only winner. Mind you, he's the only one I've seen made up as an old guy, and everyone knows that old and wise beats young and nonarthritic (is that a rule?), even when the old guy doesn't use the word 'Grasshopper'.
If we're lucky, though, the meeting of the 'Star Trek' rule with the 'Never Bet On The White Guy' factor will result in a catastrophic explosion, killing all those present but especially Whoopi Goldberg.
since I had to vote for only one of them, it went to Steve Martin, since he *is* the Wild And Crazy Guy[TM]. Anyone who can come up with 20 nose jokes in a row while sporting a schnozz bigger than the manly manhood of most mortal men is a force to be reckoned with.
Whoopi: well it wasn't only the 6 seasons of Star Trek, it's also the uncredited appearance that sort of kept the plot moving in Star Trek Generations, the one movie that dared to kill the immortal Captain Kirk Himself[TM], as well as finally revealing in all its glory her own naked and hatless scalp that pushed the PG ratings envelope
Billy: one word: "Soap"
Besides, all of them are members of The Screen Actors Guild[TM] and since they'll likely be walking the picket line this summer, the job of hosting the Academy Awards[TM: A.M.P.A.S.] for either the best or worst movies might end up going to a Non-Union Actor[TM].
Or maybe even David Letterman, as horrifying as that sounds
[The Non-Union Actor[TM] would have to be uncredited, we don't want to run afoul of union rules]
I keep thinkin about Billy Crystal going around head butting everyone in Father's Day. Show me a sarcastic wit or fake arrow-through-the- head gag that can beat that.
How about an "All Mangled and Killed" option for the *Commentators*?!?!?
This sort of heavy punnage is not
to be allowed! It is an abuse to the art of Pun, it is an affront to
humanity! It is...
- ~the Stranger
Fact #1; Whoopie Goldberg, along with Jar-Jar, is one of the most thuroughly evil and sadistic beings known to man.
Fact #2; Surviving direct contact with such a being requires something in the nature of a miracle.
I see the fight going like this... (Insert phychic dream sequence here) The Demon Formerly Known as Whoopie comes on stage, and proceeds to disembowl Steve Martin. She turns to Billy "Miracle Max" Crystal, but finds her path blocked by a burning bush. She skirts the bush, and finds herself covered with locusts. Realizing she has met her match, she departs for the netherhells, to unleash her minions, the Olsen Twins, on an unsuspecting world.
As for Steve Martin, they don't give him no fancy funeral, just one like old king Tut!
To tell you the truth, I hate both Whoopi Goldberg and Billy Crystal. I have no idea who Steve Martin is, but he deserves the win. Besides, he wears a funny hat in that picture. Funny hat!
Steve Martin has it. In the play Piccasso at the Lapin Agile, Steve Martin was able to send Elvis back in time to talk with Piccasso. Either Steve Martin sent Elvis from beyond the grave, or Mr. Martin is in on some conspiricies. Either way, he has powers beyond that of mere mortals.
Let's be serious here. Who is going to win this battle for all time worst Oscar host, and king of the washed-up titans of "forced snicker" humor? Steve Martin... hands down.
Billy Crystal's obvious lack of height has already been mentioned, and sure, he is jewish, which gives him the abbility to confuse others with tongue twisting Yiddish terms, but this hardly gives him an edge over Steve Martin, who has a good 50 pounds on him.
As for Whoopie... she's one bad ass (and yes, charitable) woman with an attidued, no one denies this. Not to mention, those dread-locks-o- death... scary. So like a midget at a urinal, old Steve will have to stay on his toes, but she just isn't funny, and there for, no match. God know's if I were there I would make sure to point it out to her in as abrasive a manner as possible, forcing her to break down and curl up in a fetal position somewhere downstage. I have no doubt my good friend Steve would do the same.
Mr. Martin is far to resiliant to be beaten by either of these hacks (although, I'll give it to Billy-Boy, "Analize This" was funny), and as we saw in "The Jerk", you just can't keep a black man down.
Steve Martin would so win after lulling the others into a false sense of security he would offer them both a free pair of glasses and scince they are both B list celebs with no money they would take them. But in cunning move they would of course be those non slip glasses from the jerk which would leave them both cross eyed and defencles. Then he could stick them both in a meat grinder a do us all a favour!
- Scary Bob from Belfast (T5S)
Actually, this one is decided in a rather short and sweet matter, thanks to yon scenario. Read it again carefully, then continue.
Now, recall with me, if you will, one of Billy Crystal's many, many movies, "Father's Day". In this movie, Billy Crystal makes an art out of the headbutt. It is one with him. It is his fighting move.
It is used here...on Steve Martin.
It works, too, but not without obvious repercussions.
What? It's Grudge Match (tm)! Did you expect a pretty sight afterward?
- Nicholas Eckert
HOW DARE YOU LEAVE US HANGING!!!!!!! WHO WON THE AWARD FOR WORST MOVIE?
- The Admiral - I voted for Steve Martin because, unlike his competition, he's funny.
Wait till next year! - Shane
Are you kidding? What an opportunity for a clean sweep! . . .
The three comics shamelessly try to out-mug each other. Crystal whines! Goldberg moons the audience! Martin gets HAPPY-FEET! Suddenly Robin Williams drives up dressed as Mrs Doubtfire and mows Crystal, Goldberg, and Martin down with a storm of 9mm bullets. Fortunately for Williams, the L.A. police, with their usual Darryl Gates efficiency, arrest Charlton Heston by mistake. "It was a drive-by fruiting!"
I have been reading and I have decided that these matches are fixed!! Jackie Chan beating Bruce Lee? Bruce made his own type of martial arts! The most widely used and popular style of martial arts in the world for crying out loud! (The world being the United States. The rest don't count) Babylon 5 taking out DS9... The complete lack of Star Trek wins... they are a super advanced society hundereds of years in the future. They can replicate matter! But no, that doesn't matter, does it? There are no Battlestar Galactia themed fights, not to mention the conspicious lack of Buck Rogers references. This whole thing is a sham! Does Don King run this place?
Oh yeah, Steve Martin wins it easily. Just because I like him better and I said so. Of course, seeing as how you have fixed these fights Mr. King, I assume my vote doesn't matter.
AND I didn't do this in HTML. Excuuuuuuuuuse me!
- Short time reader, first time commentator
Ok, now there are a few things to get straight here.
First of all being Billy Crystal. Come on, this is the man who was in City Slickers and City Slickers Two. This is the man who was willing to suck the poison out of his friends butt. Although it never came to that, an amazing feat.
But then there is Whoopi Goldberg, also known as Guinan on Star Trek. Even though she came of Star Trek that's ok. She has amazing powers, like she can serve drinks to the entire crew, who never seems to appear. Also she has lived longer then Captian Picard(Amazing that she looks about 20 years younger then him though).
But then we have Orin Scrivello(Steven Martin in Little Shop of Horrors). This man was Honored with the American Museum of the Moving Image. Wow...what a wussy award. Why not just give him a big sticker saying 'I'm not good enough to win anything good!!'. He also appeared in The Muppet Movie. Come on, Steve Martin what were you thinking? Trying to beat Kermit the frog. Now that's not right. And my final comment on him. He's a Jerk, but he has the best weapon of all. The arrow-through-the-head(TM).
So here's how I see the fight working out...Steve Martin almost dies right off the bat. The arrow-through-the-head(TM) hits on of his brains, which would have killed a normal man, but Dr. Hfuhruhurr's second brain stopped it from being a problem. Now seeing as he is in trouble because of his lost intelligence he pulls out his banjo and starts to play it.
Whoopi Goldberg hears the infernal instrument and turns towards him. She pulls from her pocket a Loaded Weapon(TM) and shoots him. Steve is gone, but Whoopi having shot him and killed him, drops to the ground and starts to pray(See Sister Act 1 or 2).
Now Billy Crystal, who has been busy polishing his 3 Emmys now sees his chance to strike. He runs up to Whoopi, who is still asking forgiveness, and Taps her Spine. With this deadly move she is gone. Having Billy, Running Scared, from the law.
Now all the hosts are either dead or just pansies. David Letterman gets up on stage and speaks. "It was mearly a plot of mine devised by CBS to upstage those NBC wusses." Then a red dot appears on Dave's forehead and he is shot, landing on the award. The audiance goes home, satisfied with the violence that fills their souls with joy.
- Steven, Clinically Insane.
The match will start out with the three each in their corners. Steve martin is a gangly guy with no professional fighting ability. Billy Crystal is a foot shorter than whoopi Goldberg, who outweighs him by 60 pounds. She is angry at him for playing a mime one to many times.
Bruce Vilanche is ringside in a stupor staring at something, when the bell rings.
Steve martin, who was always a good climber, leaps up and grabs the hanging mike in the center of the ring and works his way up to the ceiling scaffold, where the entire cast of the muppet show is waiting for him.
Meanwhile, Whoopi is chasing Billy, who is running in tight circles, screaming like Tippi Hendron.
Steve grabs his tenor banjo, while the fozzie bear puppet holds up the mike to it. He plays a sprightly complex tune. This is his weapon. The ability to play an instrument well while appearing to be a fool.
Whoopi is mezmorized by the melodic strains and breaks into a riverdance routine. Billy uses this distraction to remove one of his lifter shoes an chuck it at whoopi. The 4 inch insole takes her out quickly.
Bruce Vilanche runs into the ring, loudly singing the obscure lyrics to the andy griffith show theme song and puts Whoopi over his shoulder and higtails it to a studio where she has a doughnut commercail in ten minutes. Unable to stop the 500 pounds of overused comedy, Guest bodyguard Steve McQueen is thrown aside.
Vic Tayback and Robert Vaughn are there as well, Making up half the cast of bullitt. Vaughn is shouting insults to Crystal, threatening to come into the ring and kick his ass personally. Crystal rubs his perpetual five o'clock shadow and decides to fight.
Steve slides down the mic cord back into the ring, but they are unable to fight each other. The spastically wobble around like drunken bicycles, punching air. The permanently pissed Vaughn Leaps into the ring sporting his haircut that's been the same since 1967.
He pummels the comic into oblivion, and then snaps his spine over his knee. Steve Marting snaps his suspenders and plays "I will survive" upon the banjo.
Winner-steve martin by default
- Ed Kilt
Sadly, I fear Whoopi must win...because Whoopi is always right--in every movie and TV appearance she gets to play the "Wise Black woman Who Is Never Wrong". In Star Trek, in Sister Act, in The Color Purple, Whoopi is always all-knowing and wise. And her power only seems to increase as she ages.
Hey....First time here!! The names seem to say it all, Billy "Crystal".....He'll be shattered just like his "Glassic" name implies. As for Steve Martin...Well Lets take a look at some other Steves, Steve Urkel (Got any Cheese?), Steve Case (Nuff said), Steve Forbes (Did'nt he run for President in 2000). Now Whoopi Goldgerg......Lets take Whoopi, Derived from the Latin "Whoop Ass", now Goldberg, Synonmous with Greatness as in Rube Goldberg (Pulitzer Prize winning cartoonist, sculptor, and author), Bill Goldberg (OK, maybe I'm reachin' on this one). No question here who would be the winner......Whoopi, hands down!!
- George "The Animal" Krichbaum
"America doesn't have the guts to admit that Whoopi Goldberg isn't funny."
Well, far be it from me to argue with the late great Mr. Kinison. So we can clearly eliminate Whoopi Goldberg from this little contest. That leaves two, and it's pretty obvious that Billy is going to shatter like crystal when he meets up with Steve Martin. Does Billy have any props? No, he does not. He has the aforementioned banjo, and he's got the arrow too; one well aimed sideways thrust of the head and he'll have successfully skewered Mr. Saturday Night through the heart.
Mr. Martin will then delight the crowd by juggling Crystal's internal organs.
- Infraggable Krunk
Steve Martin has faced Iron Balls McGinty. sure, he didn't win, but who wlse has ever lived to tell the tale?
- The man whoi is royally pissed he missed the Bruce Lee Vs. Jackie Chan fight.
Okay, consider it analytically. Let's take a look at past records.
Well. None of these contestants have been on Grudge Match before. So, let's try the tenuous connection of namesakes.
Whoopi Goldberg: Only person named Whoopi on the planet. Ah, well, let's just give her a negative score for being on 'Star Trek'.
Steve Martin: Ahh... Right, Grudge Match Archives show that Steven
Segal lost to Jean-Claude Van Damme by 18 votes, despite the half
naked Belgian being a Grade A wanker. There Worships Steve and Brian
slugged it out in a back alley, with Steve losing by two votes (out
of 1654 - narrow margin). Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man,
was handily annihilated by Robocop. And over on CBUB Steve Rogers,
Captain America, lost to Batman by three votes (out of over 2000),
although there is no shame in losing to HIM.
Billy Crystal: Groundskeeper Willie took out William Wallace. Too bad
they're both called William. Mr Bill was massively defeated by Gumby.
And the Buffalo Bills took less than a quarter of the vote against
the Minnesota Vikings. Splitters.
Right. Now, though, let's look at actual history.
Whoopi: Thinking. Thinking. Nope, no-one called Whoopi in my syllabus.
Steve: There was a King Stephen of England who won a Civil War in the 12th century. He was actually a fairly nice guy, but still was quite unpopular - despite which, he won.
Billy: Okay... brief selection. William the Conqueror: He WASN'T French. He was a Norman - a Viking living in France. He conquered England, despite half his men being French, from a little Duchy in Northern France. William Wallace. Yes, he's already lost a Grudge Match but in real life he was the original hardass. He was a tactical genius and a superb hand-to-hand combatant who won multiple victories against odds that ranged from heavy to overwhelming. Also, he was a Scot - the hardest people on earth (They're descended from the Irish and they live in much, much tougher country. 'nuff said). William, Duke of Cumberland - alias Stinking Billy. Defeated the Scots in 1746. Obviously a major-league hardass, even if the Scots had made the mistake of allying with France. And, finally, William Anderson 'Devil Anse' Hatfield, the original West Virginia Hillbilly patriarch. This man fathered thirteen children, lived 82 years, and ran a war that was only formally concluded a couple of years back.
With the overwhelming might of these historical badasses, hillbillies and Scotsmen on his side, Billy Crystal will kick arse to a spectacular degree.
- Will (Yes, I am voting for my namesake)
(In a far off distant land of evil known as California, a dark figure broods in his dreary abode, since the funky lights aren't on.)
-FIGURE- "How dare they bump my time slot to play the Academy awards! And then don't even invite me as host! They should know better than to mess with me! HA HA HA HA HA!"
(Evil laugh continues for several minutes)
(Back at the Academy Awards...)
-WHOOPI- "Well I'm gonna (CENSORED) (CENSORED)(CENSORED) you little white boys!"
-STEVE- "I think not." (Whoopi dives at Steve, but in a burst of frenetic energy he dances away.)
-BILLY- "I'm gonna have toThrow this Momma from the Train! "
(Suddenly, the lights go out. Amid screams of panic and Whoopi's unbridled cursing, music begins playing. Strangely familiar music...)
-WHOOPI- "Who the (EXTREMELY CENSORED) is that?"
-VOICE- (more gratuitous laughing)
(A dark figure drops from above. Casting aside his cloak and hood, he is revealed as none other than: REGIS PHILBIN!!!)
-REGIS- "NO HOST CAN COMPARE TO MY STRENGTH!"
-WHOOPI- "What the (CENSORED WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE) are you gonna do, punk?"
-REGIS- "Hmm, let's ask the audience! Will I:
A)Cluck like a chicken,
And the audience says...1% for A, 1% for B, 1% for C, and...Wow! 97% for D, Mangle and kill all of you!"
(Since the audience is often but not always right, the results are not totally effective, but do enough. Steve, Billy, and Whoopi (in a fit of cursing) all feel as their power is drained from their bodies.)
-REGIS- "How about a 50-50?"
(Whoopi is split down the middle in a gruesome display. As if Pandora's other box had been opened, the hall is filled with the deafening roar of millions of swear-words. As the censors are overwhelmed, millions of little kids learn a very bad habit in 1.2 seconds flat.)
-REGIS- "Time to Phone a Friend! Or, in this case, an Enemy!"
(Billy goes down, strangled by a phone cord.)
-REGIS- "Fastest Finger!"
(At near light-speed, Regis plucks the arrow from on top of Steve's head and then REALLY puts it through his skull.)
(Lights swing around the stage. Several more people are brought onstage to sate Regis' unwholesome appetite.)
-REGIS- "Time to play, "WHO WANTS TO (CENSORED) WITH A MULTIMILLIONAIRE HOST WITH A DARK SIDE?????"
(The world falls to the evil that is Regis)
- Kannyn the Trandoshan Jedi (The scary thing is that I find this all too real)
I have to vote for Steve Martin because his bodyguards tossed me on my ass when I was a paparazzi for one night. Seriously.
- Jonah Falcon (yes, THE Jonah Falcon)
Dear Grudge Match Fans:
It has been one year since I drew that picture of Joel Schumacher winning the Academy Award for Worst Director. I would now like to formally apologize for not knowing what the HELL Joel Schumacher looked like at the time. Proving, once again, you can hate people without knowing what they look like. Joke six million and one about Joel Schumacher. (It's my personal six hundred thousand nine hundred and fifth.)
- Charge Man - "I hate Joel Schumacher and so do you. ...What Oscar host fight are you talking about? I hate Schumacher!"
Obviously, Whoopi dies by the Star Trek Must Lose™ law.
Billy dies by the lesser-known, but nonetheless effective rule, the All-Members-of-Saturday-Night-Live-Must-Eventually-Die-Under-Horrible- Circumstances-Curse™.
While it may appear that this same Curse™ applies to the White-Haired One™, Steve was never a member of the cast, he just seemed to be that way, so he is immune.
Besides, Steve has an even more insidious evil working for him...
Steve and Billy stand face to face over the corpse of Whoopi, slain by an unidentified bald assailant who had materialized out of nowhere, literally. No one tried to stop him.
"Well, Steve," Billy growled menacingly (for him). "Are you prepared?"
"Hah! Does a duck eat its own feet?"
"What the hell does that mean?"
"It's time I ended this madness, Billy!" Martin pulls out a rubber chicken, a ukelele, and finally, a cell phone. He rapidly dials a number and shouts orders in a foreign language. Within seconds, wave upon wave of Disney© Lawyers™ descend like locusts (the only insect to pull off the "descend" manuever effectively) upon Billy. Before long, all that is left of the former Mr. Saturday Night is a dessicated carcass covered in copyright forms and lifetime contracts.
Billy knew not of what evil he was up against. For Steve Martin is part of a family more insidious than the Family™ itself - Disney©! Yes, Steve got his start at the beginning of the Second Reich of Disney, Disneyland itself! This, coupled with the Oscars taking place on Disney's channel, ABC, assures certain victory for the Wild and Crazy Guy!
- Tracer "What the Hell was That?" Malone
As awards shows are only a ploy for merchandising, let's look at the products they've put their names on...
1) Crystal Ball - Great for "psychics" but not in use much anymore. "Billy Tarotcards" might have a chance if he can do the Jamaican accent.
2) Whoopie cushions - haven't seen one since fourth grade, which is about the time Star Trek used up all it's good material, anyway. (How'd she get into this one?)
3) Doc Martins - contrary to popular belief, these are not named after the seventh Dwarf. Steve Martin put his name on some comfortable footware that doesn't require an arrow through the head to enjoy.
In summary, 2 of the three won't survive the match, so no matter who's on top, we all win.
- Tall Burlish Artichoke
Who can make me laugh in one sentence or less?
"I'm a little black woman, in a big silver box" is not funny. Watching Whoopi dragged down the street inside a phone booth was funny. This line was not. ( c/o Jumpin' Jack Flash)
"Don't f--- with Mr. Zero" is an innately funny line, c/o When Harry Met Sally. I laugh at that every time I see this movie (which my fiancee makes me watch far too often, but which always pays off in spades due to the romantic mood it cultivates.) So I almost voted for the more experienced Crystal...
Until a voice behind me barked "Don't move or I'll fill you so full of lead, you'll be using your d--- for a pencil!" This sharp imperative, while vaguely threatening, was also uproariously funny. I began shaking and heaving with uncontrollable laughter, and got shot in the can for my trouble. But my choice was clear, and when I voted for Steve Martin, Lucky Day apologized profusely, gave me not-an-ordinary- thermos, and drove me to the hospital where he met his wife and daughter who were BOTH in labor. A man this busy deserves my vote.
- Obscured Underlord, Wild and Crazy Guy
Don't all three look like they could be those no budget Gene Roddenberry aliens on the original Star Trek?
- Budo, from City Alpha 5
The answer to this is simple. Whoppi Goldberg has FLAVA (tm), a patented and trademarked combination of streetwise attitude, uncanny talent for telling it how it is (with a maximum number of insults), and of course, bad attitude. Like Chris Tucker, Chris Rock, Allen Iverson (or any number of young NBA stars with too much money) and the old pre Beverly Hills Cop III Eddie Murphey, FLAVA equals success in movies, sports, music, and anything else that may prove troublesome. Wiping out Steve Martin and Billy Crystal would be no problem for Ms. Goldberg. Besides, if she did have trouble, she could call on her cousin Goldberg (pro wrestler=Steve Martin friccasee) or give Captain Piccard a ring.
- Grandmaster B
There is no fight, they all just laugh at how rich they are.
Well first off look at what we have here.
So that out Steve will leave upon the first sign of trouble not wanting to seem like a jerk. Billy is a bit stubborn though and will try to haggle Whoopi off the stage with promises of offers in an upcoming movie. But Whoopi with her fast talking and coincidentaly fast fists will put Billy right next to Jack Palance (which is the caboose of the pain train). At the end of it all the only thing on the audiences mind will be the sassy talkin no nonsence whoopi and she will star in three made-for-straight-to-video movies before staring along side Arnold in his next big flick a WW2 drama: I Blow Things Up, Ya
Now, I’m no movie buff but I’d like to start off by saying that this Billy Crystal character obviously has some homosexual tendencies that should probably be dealt with before any amount of hosting is to be done.
And dirty Whoopi Goldberg, Oh God, let’s just put it this way; her dirty hair looks like a piece of toast that was all but forgotten in the toaster. I’d be willing to wager any amount of money against someone whose hair can be mistakenly eaten. Dangit! Give me some freakin strawberry cream cheese spread and a knife please. The audience will in all likelihood charge the stage out of hunger or at very least in vehemence. By the way, has anyone out there ever tasted an eldaberry they’re to scream for.
So, as luck would have it, I perfunctorily declare Steve Martin the victor by default and nothing more.
- jon bowman
How could anyone expect Whoopi to win? If I have learned anything from Hollywood Squares, it is that Whoopi is always the first person out of the game. Leaving it up to Steve Martin and Billy Crystal, it is truly no contest. Steve Martin definitely has the comedic experience to pull this one out of the flames. I mean this guy wasn't born just yesterday. Steve Martin will use the old "arrow through the head" prop to play dead. Billy Crystal, thinking he has won, begins to boast to the crowd. While boasting, Steve easily sneaks up on Billy from behind and secures the victory. No sweat.
- Dan, from Chicago
Let me break it down for you:
King Tut: DEAD.
Whoopie's prospects for a decent movie: DEAD.
Miracle Max from The Princess Bride: power over the fate of the the (mostly) DEAD.
Pretty easy pick from there
- Mr. Silverback- Y'all forgot never to bet on the non-Jewish White Guy.
Well everybody I think it is pretty clear cut that whoopi will come out on top. First of all you can hide a large amount of various deadly weapons under those nun outfits. Who knows what dangers could be conceled under there. The boys just are not ready for the big leage. If worst comes to worst she doesn't need any weapons under the nun robe she can just take it off. Yup that can can give her just enough leadway to steal the show. During the shock of the her move "the robe whipper off-er" the guys will be defenseless to her bad acting or horrible singing voice. Yes sir this ones in the bag.
This match reminds me of a story.
Once upon a time there was the son of a rich noble. He was everything you might expect from a son of a young noble. He was handsome, rich, well educated, snobbish and a total ..... well you get the idea. One day he decided to take a ride by himself in the hills near his fathers estate. While he was he turned a corner a little quick ran right into a giant. The giant (being a rather nice guy to begin with) appoligized to the noble. Of course the nobles respone was typical. "Well you should appoligize! Do you know who I am!? You should feel lucky just to have met me! Now if you grovel I may forget that this whole thing happened." Now the giant was a rather nice guy but he is a giant and this is about the same as your action figure trying to talk down to you. "How about this" said the giant "I'll tear your legs off and shove them down your throat. But since I'm a nice guy I will let you go if you can beat me in a tounge twister contest." Now the noble was a total snob but he wasn't stupid enough to not realize he was in trouble. So the contest began in earnest and it lasted long into the night. In the end the noble lost, had both his legs ripped off and shoved down his throat.
The moral of the story? It takes a quick tounge to keep your feet out of your mouth.
What does this have to do with the match?
Well nothing really I just like that story. I voted for Steve just because I love his work.
- Spam boy
I don't care how many seasons Whoopi has been in "ST: The Next Degradation," the "Star Trek Must Lose(tm)" Rule describes WWWF voter behavior, not real-life. Therefore, it is easily trumped by the Uncle Olaf Caveat, as stated by Brian way back in the legendary "Mr. T. vs. Mr. Clean" match: "Never bet on the White guy." This truism eliminates Martin and Crystal, leaving Whoopi as the winner.
Of course, sharp-minded readers will remind us of the Dana Rosenblatt Exception to the Caveat: "...unless he's Jewish." This would ordinarily indicate a Crystal victory. However, Whoopi Goldberg is both Black AND Jewish. This combination bestows upon her two rare abilities: 1) she can make "Rev." Louis Farrakhan pause for thought and 2) logically, she should be able to neutralize the Rosenblatt Exception, allowing the Uncle Olaf Caveat to come through for her unabated. The smart money says that Ms. Goldberg will beat the feathers off these two turkeys, using the plumage as stuffing for some nice "Whoopi cushions."
- Matt Bricker
As Whoopi enters in, swearing she's hearing voices (a la Ghost), Steve Martin enters asking where the OB Rooms are (his daughter AND wife are both giving birth). Then the triumphant Billy enters on horse, with pistols in hand. He has brought a few friends along with him. One impartivular is Russell Crow, who is EXTREMELY irate over not getting the Oscar nod for EVERY category. Russel has coincidently brought his mask and sword as well and make quick work of the two nitwits, leaving Billy to start the show to the appeal of the crowd, who think it was all a gag.
- Tam Xcalibur
Who wins? Who cares, Ted Danson said of Whoopi after their breakup that she's "like throwing a hot dog down the hallway". Sorry, that line wins everything for all time. There doesn't need to be any more Grudge Matches, Whoopi wins them all.
- Akhamed - demahkA
I'm sorry, I must have typed in the wrong URL. I was looking for Grudge Match, not the Annual Gay Pride Parade (dead link).... A thousand pardons....
- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie
Anyone ever notice that the Oscar™ Hosts are always better actors than the people winning? Its frickin' eerie.
- The Amazing Wonder Jew
Next Match: Do you have a reservation?
Next Match: Do you have a reservation?
© 2001, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC