GALAXYCON 2003, St. Louis, Missouri
The science fiction convention is abuzz with activity. However, in the throng of sci-fi aficionados, three costumed men wander through the complex, somehow out of place.
President Skroob looks impatient. "Colonel Sandurz, are you sure this is the right place? I'm a busy man. My honeys await."
"Yes, sir! This is the United Nations where the Earth ambassador Seymour Butz is to negotiate the planet's surrender and provide you, er..., Spaceball with a fresh supply of Playboy playmates. With all these aliens around, this must be the place."
"YOU HAVE BETTER HOPE SO. YOU KNOW THE PRICE OF FAIL... *cough* *cough* *gack*..." Dark Helmet lifts his facemask. "Freaking mask. And who is this Darth Vader guy they keep calling me?"
"Never mind that. I hear something. Listen." They look into a large auditorium.
In front of a large crowd of costumed fans, the seven cast members of the new Galaxy Quest show take the stage. The emcee announces, "Please welcome Commander Peter Quincey Taggart."
Smiling to the crowd, the actor declares, "Never Give Up! Never Surrender!" The excited crowd applauds enthusiastically, many of them rising to their feet.
Skroob smiles. "A political rally. I love political rallies. Except kissing babies. Hate babies. Too much drool. Anyway, that looks like the man in charge. Let's make an example of him. Sandurz, get the troops. Helmet, start negotiating."
Dark Helmet flips down his mask. "MY PLEASURE." He marches to the stage. "THE SPACEBALLS DEMAND YOUR IMMEDIATE SURRENDER!"
"Pardon me, but you are interrupting...." Dark Helmet's Schwartz beam quiets the emcee, who falls grabbing his crotch.
Taggart responds, "Don't you listen? Never Give Up! Never Surrender!" He whispers to his castmates, "Um, I don't think these guys are playing around. Get ready to fight. I hope someone remembered to bring the Thermian communicator."
So, Paul, which super space spoof stars score at the sci-fi symposium?
Spaceballs vs. Galaxy Quest
PAUL: Spaceballs is a parody of Star WARS. Galaxy Quest is a parody of Star TREK. Furthermore, Lt. Madison combines the irrelevance of Uhura with the cluelessness of Deanna "Look at My Boobs" Troi, Guy is a wussy red-shirted ensign, Laliari is an alien romantic love interest... for the engineer (do they make those?) and Laredo is nothing more than, if this is at all possible, a dumb Wesley Crusher. Star Trek always loses. Star Trek wannabes, with the majority being useless... we're in Alderaan vs. Death Star territory here.
Then we have the main female love interest on Galaxy Quest: Sigourney Weaver. Are you kidding me? Ellen Ripley only survived Alien because the alien saw her naked and lost all will to live. I don't care if you slap on a blonde wig and some bigger breasts - she is officially the least attractive sci-fi sex symbol ever. I have proof. Here is the official Paul Golba Sci-Fi Babes List (abridged):
To complement Madison, we have Laliari... who is a squid! What we have here is the ultimate Anti-Babe Factor, which guarantees an ugly (in every way possible) defeat.
Finally, the Spaceballs are professional bad guys. They hurt people for a living. Jason Nesmith, et al, are Hollywood ACTORS. Excepting Sean Penn, actors cannot fight. Their only skills are going to rehab, engaging in stopwatch-length marriages and keeping the National Enquirer in business. Since the Spaceballs are capable of capturing stunt doubles and Dark Helmet can off cameramen with ease, dispatching actors will be a piece of cake.
At least the Galaxy Quest crew will have a successful career in opening up funeral homes.
HOTBRANCH: Huh? Were you saying something? My Golba Noise Reduction Device was turned on, preventing the high-pitched whine of your "arguments". The only thing you got right was that these movies are parodies. After that, your arguments bombed worse than Freddy Got Fingered 2. How original that you would play the "Star Trek always loses" card, the obvious sign of someone who has no valid arguments.
Precisely because we are dealing with parodies, the Galaxy Quest crew will prevail. Section 17, paragraph G, sub-section iii of the science-fiction rulebook clearly states that, when dealing with an alternate universe, all things are reversed from their normal way of being. That means that the Star Trek parody comes out on top, while the goofballs, er... Spaceballs get kicked in the groin.
Interesting that you would mention Lt. Madison and Laliari as anti-sex symbols, while Spaceballs counters with Princess Vespa and Dot Matrix. Care to wager on who the horny fanboys are hogging bandwidth downloading?
The Galaxy Questers might have been actors, but their show was emulated as a way of life, a philosophy even. Heck, using only "historical documents", the Thermians were able to create real transporters, spaceships, and communicators--all of which the crew of Galaxy Quest have used. The best technology the Spaceballs had going for them was an onboard VCR and Michael Winslow. Dark Helmet can barely breathe -- how can that pipsqueak be expected to inflict pain and suffering?
By Grabthar's hammer... what a beating!
PAUL: I know Brian was convincing in those CBC infomercials, but you don't have to pay $99.99 for two cotton balls. Then again, with the Canadian exchange rate, that may be a bargain.
So everything is different in alternate universes? Kirk always prevails against overwhelming odds and gets the girl. The Galactic Empire was crushed by a brat, a malt liquor spokesperson and teddy bears. In reverse, Dark Helmet is making time with Vespa (sans action figures) when he is not ruling the universe, while Taggart spends the rest of his days on a farm in Iowa fighting off paternity suits from tribbles. To top it all off, only the combatants here are part of this silliness, so Grudge Match bylaws are unaffected. All you've managed to do is turn this match into a bad Sliders episode.
As for technology, what good is technology when you don't know how to use it? The cool gadgets were all designed to work EXACTLY as the Galaxy Quest cast used them on the show. So could they use them? NO! They nearly got themselves blown to bits failing miserably to imitate THEMSELVES! For goodness sakes, they needed fanboys to save their pathetic hides. Basically, you are giving Rain Man a phaser. This time the bad guys win.
"Evil will always triumph, because good is dumb." Or at least Canadian.
HOTBRANCH: You truly are clueless, aren't you? First off, it was four easy payments of $39.95. Second, ALL Sliders episodes are bad. How often must we have this debate?
You talk about Galaxy Quest almost blowing themselves up, yet you cleverly ignore the inherent stupidity of the Spaceballs. Seymour Butz? It's pretty clear that they were outsmarted by Bart Simpson, much like Australia. In their quest for the UN, they managed to confuse Manhattan with St. Louis. Honestly, that puts you several beaver IQ points below the French! Furthermore, they would rather stockpile Playboy playmates than collect the fresh air they need; neither of which can be found in Missouri. Female Missourians pretty enough to be playmates immediately head for civilization, and the mist rising from the Mississippi and Missouri rivers fills the air with a flegmy brown goodness that even Los Agelinos make fun of.
You are forgetting that Tech. Sgt. Chen (whom the missus says is Shaloubalicious) is tight with agents J and K. His easy going demeanor won't prevent him from having the Men in Black rid the convention of the stupidest scum in the universe. As a bonus, the conventioneers will be flashed by the neuralyzer and sent home to try and get some lives.
Thanks to Dora Mouse, PE (Paul), Larry Bernard and James for suggesting this match.
Why did you both ignore the very important Alan Rickman Deserves Justice Factor(tm)?
Alan Rickman is the embodiment of Sarcastic British Coolness (at least since the death of Graham Chapman) and has very, very unfairly been beaten by two of the most undeserving monosyllabic sweaty Americans ever: Bruce Willis and Kevin Costner.
Do you honestly think he's going to let a Canadian be added to that list? A whiny Canadian with a bucket on his head, who couldn't even pick up a computer, much less use it to weight a big wad of explosives? Or that guy from "She's the Sherrif"?
Oh no. Oh hell no. He'll call in Alanis Morrisette to blow his head up first.
- Sir Robin of Pantyhose (In my movie, the Sheriff of Nottingham is an anti-terrorist hero)
Suddenly one of Dark Helmet's guards produces a large box and slams him over the head, turning the helmet around backwards so he cannot see.
"Ow! Hey, what the? Somebody hit me with a pile of old SCTV scripts"
"Yes, it is I... eh?" And the guard pulls off his mask to reveal... Doug MacKenzie!
"Dave Thomas? Boy am I glad to see you, help me with this..."
But Thomas has other ideas...
"Take off, eh? They've shunned my artistry in Hollywood, eh, so I'm going to go back to what pays, you knob. Now just put on this toque..."
Thomas rips off the Helmet and the two one-time partners start scuffling... but Taggart separates them with a well aimed blaster shot.
"Just what I thought, a bunch of Canucks. Rich, take care of these 'hoseurs'." Suddenly, another guard rips off his mask to reveal - Richard Karn!
"You got it boss. You know you guys should really learn to live with..."
"Take off!" exclaims Thomas. "Like I knew every Grudge Match (TM) response would like bring up Richard Karn, eh? So I brought like REAL reinforcements you hosers..." and two more guards remove their masks to reveal "...Bob Vila and Norm Abram, eh?"
"That's right Dave," says Norm, "and using the power miter box we can create a nice even cut in this wood, so as to..."
Vila interjects, "What Norm really means is, in spite of our previous differences, we figure these Home Improvement posers owe us a little dinero..."
"I can make a lot of reproduction Shaker wood cabinets with that kind of money..." says Norm, menacingly brandishing a power joiner...
"Hold on a second, this convention is our turf!" Shouts another voice, as George Takei and Mark Hamill appear from the next room over. "If you guys scare the fans off we can't pay our bills."
"Well, that's not true, exactly..." says Norm "...using some parts l found lying around the convention center I've built a router jig that can convert your unused, ghost-written, scifi novels into reproduction Louis XVI coffee tables..."
"Wow, that's a nice coffee table, " says Bruce Boxleitner, emerging from the VIP room. "How much does it cost?"
"Yes, a table like this could fetch a handy profit!" exclaims Richard Karn, "this guy really is more amazing than my parody, or even MacGyver"
Tim Allen picks up the jig "Hey, I can do that! So you just..."
"Oh no..." shouts Karn, "somebody stop him..."
15 minutes later, the convention center is in ruins...
- Dave C
This match will not be won by comedy but by cunning.
The Galaxy Quest team has a secret weapon up its sleeve: Alan Rickman! This is a man who can certainly out-evil the Spaceballs crew. He ran his cousin through to test a sword, hired an army of bloodthirsty Celts to run a couple of bandits out of town, and worst of all, cancelled Christmas. Even Skroob would never cancel Christmas, because nothing will stop him from opening "Jiggle All The Way: the Playboy Christmas Special" video on December 25th.
Now, we have the spacegoofs... er... Spaceballs Vs Galaxy Quest.
Spaceballs: Dark Helmet may be the most quoted villian in Good Vs Evil matches, but in all seriousness he looks like motherfucking Woody Allen! And the fat guy's probably FRENCH! thus defeating the "Star Trek Must Lose(TM)" rule by invoking the "French lose to EVERYTHING(TM)" rule! 20 Red-shirted ensigns could probably take down France, with the only casualties from when the RSEs inpale themselves on sharp works of art!
Galaxy Quest: We have TIM ALLEN(TM) a proven winner in the Grudge(TM) and Tony Shaloub, aka ADRIANNE MONK(TM)! Now with Tim Allen's alter ego Tim Taylor, with his ability to create death machines out of paper clips and a pack of Double A energysers! Now, add Tim Allen, AKA Tim Taylor's(TM) ability to create weapons of Mass Distruction along with Tony Shaloub, AKA Monk's(TM) ability to find ANYTHING ANYWHERE, these two should be able to create a weapon capable to blow a crater into the Earth's crust the size of Alaska! Now everything will be obliterated, except Monk and Tim Taylor by way of Sheild Of Sitcom and Crime Drama Inability To Die(TM), they will emerge from the rubble, Tim letting out a grunting Uh-Oh, and Monk freaking out at the dust and debri!
So, GO GALAXY QUEST!
- The Hooligan Of Doom, saying Monk could take out both Austin Powers and Pink Panther single handedly
Okay, I could just indicate that Spaceballs wins by virtue of the fact that it's one of my favourite movies while GalaxyQuest sucked so badly I didn't bother to finish watching it. But I won't. Instead, I'll pose a simple question. Which is more dangerous: a race of aliens so stupid they modelled their entire society after a televison show, or Mel Brooks as Yogurt with Spaceballs: the Flamethrower?
I rest my case.
- The Jester (now how can I get me one of those...)
This is an exercise in Seinfeldian physics. As George Costanza onbserved, "shrinkage makes things appear smaller than they usually are! It is all shrinkage! Shrinkage!" Doubtless, no one has endured more career shrinkage than Rick Moranis. The Big Schwantz withers to nothing in the stifling cold draft that was Santa-Claused.
CODA: Come to think of it, anyone associated with a Mel Brooks movie (other than Mel Brooks) suffers from career shrinkage. Has anyone heard from Gene Wilder or Clevon Little lately?
- Dr. Stones
Galaxy Quest won in the end of their film, and wound up getting a new TV show. Tim Allen came up with a stroke of genius to use the magnetic-mine trap against his enemy instead of letting it damage his ship. The bad guys from Spaceballs not only lost, but proved themselves to be morons! How? Oh, let me count the ways.
1. President Skroob uses 12345 as his luggage combination. How easy is this to crack?
2. Dark Helmet orders the ship to Ludicrous Speed(TM) and not only crashes head-first into circuitry, but winds up badly overshooting his quarry & letting the good guys get away.
3. Dark Helmet also goes around in a closed, suffocating helmet, and then wonders why he can't breathe.
4. I refuse to vote for anyone who needs to have the concept of now explained to them!
5. Paul, the Spaceballs were not trying to capture the stunt doubles. They were going after the real good guys. If you can't tell the doubles from the originals, then you are really dumb! Especially when one of the doubles has facial hair the matching original lacks.
Evil is the dumb one here, so good will triumph.
6. Finally, the good guys from Spaceballs haven't been accounted for. The baddies from Galaxy Quest are toast. I have found Lone Starr's Schwartz ring, and I have mastered its powers. I aw willing to use it to get published.
- mtk1701, not a stunt double
I was undecided about which way to go on this match... until reading the Paul Golba Sci-Fi Babes List (tm). Ivanova... not in the top two? I've seen this woman's naked pictures (thanks, Hugh) - anyone who ranks her below Princess Leia and Dana Scully cannot be trusted.
Galaxy Quest, because at least HB! knows his women.
- 32_Footsteps, the Eve of Destruction.
Upon further review, I might agree that CLAUDIA CHRISTIAN is a bigger babe than CARRIE FISHER. But we are talking about SUSAN IVANOVA here. She thinks she's God, she would probably slam your head into a wall during a lovers' spat and she wouldn't want to have sex with you until you're dead. NO THANKS! - Paul
1) Galaxy Quest parodies Star Trek.
2) Spaceballs parodies Star Wars AND Star Trek (you should've paid attention!)
3) Star Trek must lose/always loses/lost/losing/will lose.
Therefore, they BOTH must lose, hence "both maimed and killed," unless one loses more quickly than the other...
4) Galaxy Quest = 102 minutes (1hr. 42min.)
5) Spaceballs = 96 minutes (1hr. 36min.)
Therefore, the Galaxy Quest crew barely squeaks by with six minutes to spare. (Movie run times culled from IMDb.)
- Yogurt... Raspberry Yogurt
Ugly. Already Spaceballs is leading, but you forgot another factor:
SPACEBALLS WAS AN AWFUL MOVIE. Don't believe me? Check The Stinkers (www.thestinkers.com) - Spaceballs was a nominee for worst film at one time.
Let's face it - anything Mel Brooks has done since Young Frankenstein has been howlingly bad - History of the World Part I (another Stinker nominee), Robin Hood: Men In Tights, Spaceballs...
... anything that has "Pizza Da Hut", "Yogurt", and "Barf", just blows. The ONLY funny joke in the damned movie was the Planet of the Apes riff at the end.
Spaceballs? Space Losers. Get over the anti-Star Trek bias - if you can sit through Spaceballs without wanting once to slap Mel Brooks for this unfunny piece of garbage, go ahead and vote for it. I dare ya.
Additional comment: The Star Wars movies have gotten so bad, they're already Star Wars spoofs much funnier than Spaceballs. Did Mel Brooks come up with "Attack of the Clones"?
- Jonah Falcon, soon to be in Rolling Stone (seriously)
"If you will not surrender, you will suffer the consequences!" Dark Helmet sneers as he activates his Schwartz ring, targeting the male cast members of Galaxy Quest one by one. Guy is the first to fall, screaming "I don't want to be a crewman anymore!" Fred follows soon after, muttering "Hmmm... I haven't felt anything there in years." Lalairi, distraught, goes home with a convention attendee dressed as Dr. Octopus. Alexander collapses, but with a Shakespearian flourish that would impress any critic. Tommy has long since fled, being the youngest and therefore the most protective of his sensitive spots.
Jason Nesmith grimaces as the deadly beam makes contact. Drowning out Dark Helmet's giggles of triumph, he focuses all of his waning testosterone and emits a loud, echoing grunt.
"Hey, what are those wimps doing to the Toolman?" The three villains turn and see a bunch of angry middle-aged men, wearing flannel and wielding power tools. They quickly toss Colonel Sandurz at them to pacify them. It is then that Dark Helmet realizes that his ring has fallen off in the confusion. He sees three children in Hobbit costumes fighting over their newly discovered "precious". They accidentally activate it, nailing President Skroob dead center. Down goes the politician.
Dark Helmet, now on his own, sees that Jason has recovered. "I'm not done yet, Helmet!" Jason shouts. "Buzz Lightyear to the rescue!" On cue, a group of toys lead the charge. Helmet, however, knocks them aside with his Dark Helmet Action Figure (TM)(Now with new Pelvis Thrust Action!).
"Forget this." Helmet mutters, and gets a minion to fast-forward to the end of the fight, with Jason lying on the floor. How Helmet won may never be known. "You deserved that for Big Trouble, Joe Somebody and Santa Clause 2." Helmet says as he marches back to his ship, accidentally clotheslining himself on a welcoming banner on the way out.
Epilogue: Gwen managed to escape in a small shuttle, but a group of hostile aliens had also stowed aboard. Horribly wounded, Gwen headed for a crash-landing in Jurassic Park, and the rest is history...
- Oxymoron - I promise fewer groin jokes next time
Wow! I got a Grudgie for the last match! You can be assured i'm still doing a victory dance for that. I'll be putting it up with my most prized possessions: my Nomar Garciaparra rookie card and my complete set of Kevin Smith movies. It's really such an honor to even be considered for a Grudgie, even a bronze...
What? This match? Please. It's so simple. Thanks to GM's rule about characters played by the same actor, Galaxy Quest has an angel (from the highest choir no less), a powerful wizard, an alien killer, an obsessive-compulsive detective who never misses a single detail, and Santa Claus on their side. And you know what? They're still gonna lose!
Why? You're asking why? Do I even have to tell you? It's all about Classic Movie Power (TM). Spaceballs is one of my favorite movies ever. Every time i see that it's on TV, i watch it. Galaxy Quest, I watched once and hated it. That movie will NEVER be called a classic. I'm willing to bet even sci-fi geeks (you know who and where you are out there) wouldn't call it a classic.
I don't know how the Spaceballs are going to win, but i don't think Dark Helmet's helmet will be smashed in this time. (And by the way, there's nothing sexual about it. As Freud said once, "Sometimes, an oversized black helmet that parodies a sci-fi classic is just an oversized black helmet that parodies a sci-fi classic." Get your minds out of the gutter, pervs.)
- Scotty J. "Yes, I was the one who beamed that commander twice...I was so good, she screwed up my name."
Sure, Lailari's a squid. But she's such a cute squid!
- Denis "I can't think of any quotes that won't get misinterpreted" Moskowitz
Once again, my NRA (Negative Recollection Association) is the deciding factor here.
Remember that scene in "Galaxy Quest" where Tim Allen directs the ship's engines to engage at Warp 15 or something and the ship begins disintegrating as a result?
Well, a character of mine pulled the same screw-up during a session of a certain Sci-Fi role-playing game many moons ago. I nearly wound up killing the entire party less than 10 minutes into the game. My face had NEVER gone that red before.
Consequently, for resurrecting that memory, here's hoping that Mega- Maid sucks the entire GQ crew (with the possible exception of Alan Rickman) into an Inescapable Vortex of Doom (TM).
- RoboGoober98 (I cannae push it ANY faster, Jim...)
Quote: "Evil will always triumph, because good is dumb."
And Tim Allen is a good guy? Do you pay any attention to films these days?
Ok, I think the best way to decide who wins this match is to look at the directors because he is the one who tells everyone what to do. Sitting in one corner, in his director's chair, far away from the action, we have Dean Parisot (who I've never heard of before, & I looked up some other movies he directed none of which I've never heard.) In the other corner... or rather standing with the rest of the Spaceballs, we have Mel Brooks (who has directed, produced, & acted in movies most people have actually heard of & seen.) Not to mention he plays a major character in most of the movies he directed & with the case of Spaceballs he played 2 major characters: President Skroob & Yogurt.
With the Quest director so far away from the action, it's virtually impossible for him to give effective orders. So the Quest crew is out of comission, not knowing where to go & when to dodge.
But Mel Brooks/President Skroob/Yogurt, is where he can effectively command his minions. And therefore, easily commands Helmet to Shwartz the men of Quest & they all overpower Sigourney Weaver & take her back for Skroob's personal concubine collection.
Spaceballs drag Sigourney Weaver out of Galaxycon while the men are curled in the fetal position, holding there crotches.
If anyone is wondering about the fans reaction, they do nothing because they think it's part of the show.
- Mistress Heather, Keeper of the Dungeon
Not even a fair fight. Your pitting a crew that couldn't operate a VCR and their own set against a crew that has the best engineers and scientists in the unknown universe on their side. Just to tell you that I have to much free time on my hands lets do math. Alpha Centauri is the closest star to earth, so lets assume the aliens in galaxy quest come from there. Alpha Centauri is 4.3 light years from Earth +- a few AU (AU = Astronomical unit -Length of the semimajor axis of earth's orbit around the sun: 92,955,808 mi (149,597,870 km). Radio and television waves travel at the speed of light, or close enough to make no never mind. That means after 4.3 years to get to Alpha Centauri, and a few more years to figure out the historical document, design, develop, test and refine the technology in the movie, and then get the galaxy quest actors to come save the universe. That's pretty impressive. Not only were they smart enough to build the technology, they recognized their own limits, and went looking for leaders who could do the job. Admittedly they got actors, but the actors still did the job.
Now that we have technological superiority assured, we go onto firepower. Being actors, they are undoubtably members of the screen actors guild. That means they can call in a few favors, and get Charles Bronson home number. They call in Charlie, and before you can say NRA, you have more responsibly handled firepower at the convention that the LAPD and Missouri state law enforcement officers combined. Plus, this is a convention. Having been to a few of these, the odds are good that over half the people are toting weapons of every variety of their own. All the galaxy quest people have to say is "Sic em" and all you have 15 minutes later is a large red smear, and a loss of the convention cleaning deposit due to the stains on the floor. So the final question for the spaceballs becomes "feeling lucky, punks"
- lunatic fringe
Remember the last time Colonel Sanders competed in Grudge Match?
- Grudge-Pops: Tap the Appalachians!
The Spaceball guys have a huge advantage here, in that Tim Allen's cohort seemed to take their movie somewhat seriously, almost as though they didn't realize it was a Star Trek farce (and let me tell you, I can't speak for Kate "stage presence is for losers" Mulgrew or William "skipped one too many speech lessons" Shatner, but Patrick Stewart would have kicked some SERIOUS alien ass). Also, Paul ripped Hotbranch to shreds on this one. We can't overlook (as Hotbranch seemed to) that the Spaceball guys lost in their movie, while their opponents won in theirs, but here's the deciding factor.
Galaxy Quest mocks fans. It portrays them as socially inept, droolingly idiotic fools who actually believe the show they love is about real events, even when they have to EXPLAIN THE MYTHOLOGY OF THE SHOW TO THE CHARACTERS IN IT. Whether or not one agrees with this portrayal, the fact is that Grudge Match sci-fi matchups are ruled entirely by fanboys, who cannot fail to notice the insults offered them by Galaxy Quest and the contrasting respect from Spaceballs, will run those sniveling actors into the ground.
- the Infamous Lemon of Doom
i voted for spaceballs, because it was worth hearing Rick Morrison say "Fuck"
- Potman the predator
Although my compatriot HotBranch! is involved in this one, I have to go with Spaceballs over the Galaxy Quest geeks. First of all, at least the Spaceballs had some inkling of what they were doing - I mean, at least they knew how to fly their spaceship. Secondly, the Spaceballs will unveil their ultimate weapon: MegaMaid II, the ShopVac (TM). With such suctioning power at their disposal, it will be no challenge for them to suck millions of gallons of water from the Mississippi River in order to airdrop it on the convention centre, drowning everyone inside, destroying the building, and incidentally killing the St. Louis Blues who are practicing nearby, allowing the Vancouver Canucks to gain a bye to the Stanley Cup finals, where they go on to defeat whatever pathetic hoser team the Eastern Conference is fielding this year. Tim Allen and his crew will sink like his career after Home Improvement, and the Spaceballs will annex Earth, installing a puppet ruler who goes by the insidious nickname of 'Dubya'.
P.S. If you think Canadians are stupid, you should watch the Rick Mercer special "Talking to Americans"...I mean, did you all really think that Tim Horton was the Prime Minister of Canada?
- Kapitän der Armeen vom Norden
As I have mentioned before, I have footage of Canadians who couldn't name their own former prime minsters or thought George Bush was one of them. Not even Canadians know anything about Canada. - Paul
Actors can't fight! You, you mean Sean Connery is a, a..... FRAUD! YYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! Paul, how dare you question the Mentos(TM) level coolness of his Conneryness!! I retroactively withdraw all my votes for whoever you've ever supported. MAY YOU BE CURSED TO PERDITION FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Aerdude(whoever Aero is, I'm gonna serve him with a class-action lawsuit if he ever shows his (TM)-infringing face around here again!
Paul's arguments dismiss all the characters of Galaxy Quest... all but one: the unstoppable Dr. Lazarus. It will be he who singlehandedly turns the tide and makes the galaxy safe. Because he understands motivation.
- KP... (I could mention that he also knows from potions, but I won't)
There are two factors that I see pushing this bout to the crew of the N.S.A. Protector - Grudge history and Dr. Lazarus (which you two really should have mentioned, rather than waste so many lines on Sigourney).
If Skroob, Sandurz and Dark Helmet's ultimate goal is to make Earth
surrender, they will be going home disappointed. Grudge history
shows that a contestant who wants to either conquer or destroy the
world will lose to one trying to stop them. Examples:
Speaking of McClane, that brings me neatly round to Alan Rickman. Clearly, because he's now a good guy, Hans Gruber is in league with John, and he's out getting his personal bodycount quota for this month filled up with the Spaceball troops. Also, if Harry Potter can take out Darth Vader in kid form, Snape should make short work of Helmet. Can you image what the potions master could whip up... I'm thinking wizard molotov cocktails here.
Skroob and company end up as men in tight coffins.
- Mixmaster Flibble - Leia higher up than Ivanova? What the fudge, Paul??
Spaceballs has Mel Brooks -THE Mel Brooks! so he could call in Max and Leo aka The Producers, and the whole cast of Blazing Saddles (you'd do it for Randolph Scott!)
but on the other hand -
Now, Galaxy Quest has Siquegorny? Weaver -an actress who has a weird
first name I can't spell, who gets it on with slimy aliens and geeks
of the oppostion.
uhh, guys? I want my presents this year . . . I'm going with Galaxy Quest!
The sceen; deep space
The prow of "Spaceball one" edges onto the screen, endless minutes pass by as this behemoth of the void cruises unstoppably. After many hours the end of this levithan comes into view.
Floating after it the mangled wreckage of the galaxy quest vessel.
The bumper sticker is "WE BRAKE FOR NOBODY", they mean it.
One really good way to resolve this match is to look at this as the Mel Brooks school of film parody versus the more modern concept of film parody. In this case, Team Spaceballs is going down.
While I have nothing against Mel Brooks and I liked much of his early film work, he seems to have lost the knack. Starting with "History of the World Part I", Brooks' film comedy skills went into a slow decline with each film being worse than the one previous. "Spaceballs" suffered from an excessively scattershot approach to parody.
On the other hand, "Galaxy Quest" kept a somewhat tighter focus and was more entertaining. It was great fun trying to figuring out what Trek movie they were parodying in the various scenes. They covered them all, even including their own version of "the Riker Maneuver" from "Star Trek: Insurrection" and a far less fatal version of the crash scene from "Star Trek: Generations".
Then, there is the method that is the traditional Grudge Match staple - which side has better allies. Team Spaceballs has as their allies the folks from SCTV (courtesy of Rick Moranis and the late John Candy) and the crew from the "Police Academy" films (courtesy of Michael Winslow).
But, they pale to insignificance against the powerful and deadly allies Team Galaxy Quest has. I am referring to Aliens. Not the stupid squid creatures or their enemies, but those fierce, tenacious, acid-laden monster Aliens (thanks to Sigourney Weaver). Just a few of these critters would make short work of everyone on Team Spaceballs. Heck, they could even turn Dot Matrix into scrap metal in seconds. Since they are insane mindless killers, the Schwartz will have no effect on them at all.
So, this match will be a very short one indeed, with the "Spaceballs" crew as bloody piles of goo on the convention floor. Then, Lt. Madison will go into her Ellen Ripley mode and remove the Aliens from the premises, which will damage her outfit even more, much to the delight of the assembled fanboys at the convention.
- The Demented Astronomer
In a battle of comedy good guys vs comedy bad guys, has there ever been a group of comedy bad guys that won?
Cause I'd really like to see that movie.
Even IMDB couldn't help me find an answer to that question.
Due to overwhelming odds, I therefore must take the Galaxy Quest gang. They're the good guys. As far as we are concerned.
Break out the Playboy bunnies and Booze, cause we're gonna celebrate with a little Sigourney cleavage!
- Hurricane Andrew
Lonestar is played by Bill Pullman, whose finest role was in "Ruthless People" in which he played "The Stupidest Person on the Face of the Planet".
Infer what you will.
So let's see here... We have Tim Allen, who destroys everything he tries to fix, against the Spaceballs, who need everything fixed...
I'm not sure what exactly will happen, but I'll bet the explosion dwarfs Alderaan's.
- Safety Swami Pippin
Helmet threatens Taggart. Taggart thinks it's scripted and stays in cocky character. Helmet's getting really steamed, when Lazarus steps in: "By the Sons of War VanTM, I shall a- AAH! My groin!" At this point, Tommy, being a grown-up black child actor, flips up Helmet's visor and punches him into a crowd of excited Questies. An informed visitor (who bought a copy of the "Spaceballs: The Grudge MatchTM" script from Yogurt in the lobby) steals Helmet's ring and runs around showing everyone the size of his Schwartz.
Meanwhile, Sandurz is trying to get the troops' helmets turned the right way around, and Skroob is hitting on a 4-breasted alien. Once the convention-goers regroup (by strongest MagicTM deck), the Spaceballs retreat to their ship. "Don't worry," Sandurz says, "we can still blow them up with our super-atomic death ray gun." While they were out, though, a man in a Darth Vader costume was led aboard the ship; lifted all the ray guns, Spaceballs Merchandise, and Randomly-Blinking Light PanelsTM; and was currently selling them on ebay.
Finally, the other race of alien beings who worship Galaxy Quest come to abduct the crew, but, only finding one spaceship, take the Spaceballs instead. Thus, the "Galaxy Quest" crew are Earth-saving heroes, and the Spaceballs are lost in space.
Victors: the nerds
...and the moral of today's story is:
- The Iconoclast(TM)
Right... I know how this one is gonna end... all the fatass flabby fanboys and fangirls (yes there are a few of THOSE these days) will vote for Spaceballs. But seriously... as funny as that movie is, there's no way in hell that Dark Helmet, Sanders, and Scroob will ever win that match up. Hasn't anyone learned that one is gauged by the might of one's enemies? Seriously... that's why no sane country will ever piss off the Israelis. So let's look at the lineup.
Spaceballs: Despite superior military technology, they got their asses kicked halfway across the galaxy by a midget Mel Brooks, a Druish Princess and her robot, and let's not forget the rednecks in the Winnebago.
Galaxy Quest: Started out outnumbered, outgunned, and being aided by a bunch of intelligent cephalopods (squid to the layperson) with the mentality of five year olds. Despite facing a sociopathic homicidal cyborg general who JUST WON'T DIE, Tim Allen still managed to pull a victory out of his ass.
Prediction of real outcome: Galaxy quest, victorious in five minutes.
Seriously, though, I don't see how anyone could take the spaceballs seriously. They're most ruthless fighter is RICK MORANIS. Sigourney Weaver would tear him a new helmet in the opening moments of the fight. So what do they have left? A Col. Sanders (chicken) and Pres. Scroob (womanizing ignorant twit) Sanders would flee in terror while Scroob fell victim to the Binford 5100 300hp Wedgie- matic. (made in the USA, chrome plated melvin attachment sold seperately)
- Thomas Wolfe
A movie that rips off another movie that never wins a Grudge-Match?
Yeah, and Gonzo is gonna sleep with Piggy too, right?
- The Genie
Well, Paul, it's apparent that you went off your medication today. What you're forgetting about the Galaxy Quest crew is that they're adaptable. While no one on the Spaceball One was able to handle a bottle of jam on their sensor dish, the crew of the Protector was able to figure out how to use every feature of their ship just in time for the climacitic battle scene. By contrast, the Spaceballs team was too busy with sexual puns about the Spaceball One to win the day.
And what about teamwork? The Spaceballs are simply unable of working together, because they're too busy shoving each other out of lifepods in order to save their own skins. The Galaxy Quest team has a code from countless first season episodes that allow them to coordinate with uncanny ease.
And their goals? Which is cooler: air or Berillium Spheres?
For a semi-final comment, Galaxy Quest isn't about Star Trek--it's about Trekkies. The near-infinite supply of these people mean that the strategy-making ability of Galaxy Quest is multiplied untold times. The Star Wars fans are going to be too busy figuring out why there aren't any X-Wings in Spaceballs to help the Dark Side of the Schwartz, even if they did want to rather than back up Lone Star.
And finally--how 'bout their enemies? Gigantic ultra-ruthless warlords and small brutal miners with a penchant for duels, or a guy in a Winnebago and a girl who has matched luggage? Really.
I'll count this one as Galaxy Quest within 10 minutes after the opponents get to their respective ships. 3 if Tim Allen can get to to a random minefield in time and start dragging high-explosives. And 7 minutes if they go hand-to-hand, with Questers storming the stage to tear apart the Spaceballs (this is at a Galaxy Quest convention, y'know).
- Analysis King
This is an interesting match, as (unlike many Grudge Matches) bad guys are fighting good guys, but not really a close one. I can see a few possible scenarios developing.
Scenario 1: Both sides decide to fight it out right there in the hall. The battle would be pretty conclusive, as the Spaceball troopers (led by the good Colonel) would provide a distraction for the Galaxy Quest team. While they would be mostly cut down, being expendable troops that are intended to die, they would provide enough time for Dark Helmet to reach and then cut through the other side using the Swartz ring/lightsaber. The GQ fans in the hall, who might have been considered a threat, see which film is superior and switch allegience rather quickly.
Scenario 2: The two sides realize that their ships are their real weapons, and decide to fight it out in space. It is at this point that the GQ heros will realize that their ship is a speck of dust compared to the Spaceball 1 (like that Voyager vs. Battlestar Galactica match). They are about to attempt to find and attack some kind of critical weak point, such as an easily jammed radar, when Dark Helmet orders his men to fire a warning shot 'across their nose.' However, his weapons officers, being from the cross-eyed Asshole family, accidentally hit the ship. Many times. The Spaceball 1 then transforms into Mega Maid and sucks the pathetic remnants of the GQ ship into a cargo hold for subsequent study of the advanced technology (like beaming tech that works properly).
Scenario 3: The GQ team realizes they have an ace up their sleeve - that time travel thing. Every time they lose to the Spaceballs, they simply back up and try again. Unfortunately, it is a futile effort. The GQ team are hopelessly outclassed, and eventually give up rewinding.
Result: Victory and Playboy girls for President Skroob to enjoy as he desperately sucks down more 'Perri-Air' (98% salt-free!) and plots more ways to get some air, and for the GQ team, another confirmation that 'Evil will always win - because good is dumb.'
- The Anachronistic Gamer - Besides, the good guys are only being played by actors!
"Evil will always triumph, because good is dumb."
Hmm...an interesting theory from the Spaceballs camp, who consider themselves the badass side. Is there a better quality of badasses on the Galaxy Quest side?
Let's look at the leader, Capt. Taggard (Tim Allen). Well, there's a low badass factor for starters. See ya.
What about Lt. Madison? (Sigourney Weaver) Her alter-ego, Ripley, eats badasses for breakfast. Way to go! It's starting to look bad for Skroob & co.
Of course there's the Alan Rickman Factor(TM) too. Yep, Dr Lazarus can call on multiple badass alter-egos such as Hans Gruber in Die Hard 1, the Sheriff of Nottingham in Yet Another Kevin Costner Movie, and one of my favourites, Professor Snape in the Harry Potter movies - he does sneering so well! You do not want detention from this teacher (especially if your surname is Potter). He can therefore deal out a particularly nasty death or an exquisitely horrible detention. Either way, the Spaceballs are toast.
- Nicky Lewer, Rickmaniac
blaster fire reigns and casualties rise as this battle rages on, niether side hitting their opponent.
Dark Helmet smiles cockily as he stares out from underneath his huge helmet and says "You can't win! Evil will always triumph because good is dumb!" and continues to fire until he sees a blue blaze behind the Galaxy Quest crew.
He just stares until a blast comes close to hitting him, and he shakes it off and continues firing until he watches as a tall, muscular man with a buzzcut, wearing sunglasses, jeans, shirt and leather jacket walk out of a portal behind Galaxy Quest and walk off.
He shakes it off and continues trading blasts until he sees an old man walk out of a magical portal behind Galaxy Quest and dissapear in another direction.
He shakes this from his mind and fires as he sees four men, one black and wearing gold chains ride behind Galaxy Quest in a van and dissapear.
Dark Helmet continues to fire as he watches a black portal opens behind Galaxy Quest and a small, childish figure with short black hair clad in armor and a kilt ala Braveheart and wearing Braveheart facepaint walks from the portal, looks at the SpaceBalls crew, and lifts a notebook, flashing them a picture of a naked old woman before he walks off too.
The three Spaceballs villians scream and drop their lasers, holding thier hands infront of their faces to block the image of the nekkid old woman flashing them and the Galaxy Quest crew looks at each other confused. They then look behind them and see nothing, and turn back.
"What is it man?" asks Tim, as he sees several figures appear behind the Spaceballs crew. Tim recognizes Sonic the Hedgehog, The Terminator, Albus Dumbledore, the A-Team, but doesn't recognize the last figure who looks like Braveheart.
"A-HEM!" says the last figure as the Spaceball crew turns and stares at the group. "Who are you?" Dark Helmet asks as the blue hedgehog, Sonic, says "We're good guys, and we're sick and tired of all this "Evil will always triumph because good is dumb" crap!" Sonic says. "We will!" the fat French-looking man says until the old man uses a magic spell to make his mouth dissapear.
"Have you ever heard the "Good Guys win because people pay more to see the movie then" clause?" The Braveheart-looking figure says as Tim asks "Who are you?" "He is John Connor." the T-800 Terminator says as the Braveheart-looking figure does a facefault. He then stands and says "No! I'm The Hooligan Of Doom!" as he slaps the robot in the back of the head. "Really?" The T-800 asks and The Hooligan Of Doom says "Yes!"
The two groups look at one another and shrug, and prepare to fire their blasters but drop them in surprise as each of the eight people pull out sawed-off shotguns and cocked them. "Asta-lavista baby!" The Terminator says, and Mr. T says "Exactly!" and all eight blast at the two teams killing them. "Finally! I killed someone!" Hannibal says as he chomps on a cigar and lights it up. "And no more "Evil will always triumph because good is dumb" ka-rap!" Sinic says as he speeds off, and all the others leave, except The Hooligan Of Doom and The Terminator. The Hooligan OF Doom looks at the Terminator and says "Back to the future?" The Terminator picks up The Hooligan of Doom, and gives him a piggy-back ride as he says "To the future!" and the two dissapear in a black portal.
- The Hooligan Of Doom, "Good will always win cause people pay more to see the movie when they do"
The key to this match is Tim Allen. Sure, he can bring in the Thermians. Sure he can bring in the folks from Home Improvement and thereby the Binford Whirlwind 9000 Leaf Blower which can fire wood chips at one-tenth the speed of light. Sure he can bring in Santa's entire organization from The Santa Clause. But most important of all, Tim Allen can bring in all the folks he used to buy cocaine from. And let me tell you, there is no way that an evil empire brought down by a blow-dried pretty-boy in a space Winnebago is going to be able to stand up to the evil empire known as the Pan-American League of Cocaine Smugglers & Affiliated Scum. Fortunately, there's a very high probability that President Skroob's honeys have little black dresses appropriate for his memorial service-- Closed casket for sure.
- Mr. Silverback-- If good is dumb, whay are we celebrating Christmas instead of Satan day or something?
This really is a no brainer. First of all, despite what Rick Moronis might say, the Spaceballs are dumb. Dumb by villain standards. Hell, dumb by Mel Brooks standards. They got beat by Bill Pullman in a flying Winnebago.
Second, Galaxy Quests has Alan Rickman power. It takes the likes of John McClain (who, remember, took down the REAL Death Star) to defeat Rickman. Rickman was the voice of God in Dogma! How can Spaceballs defeat someone with the Lord on his side?
What we have here is a conflict between two titans of the literary world, parody (of Star Wars) and satire (of Star Trek Fans). The voter, who will make the crucial descision, often understands broad parody better than the more subtle machinations of satire. The moral of all this? Never underestimate the power of the Farce.
Oh Please!This match easily goes to the cast of Galaxy Quest. Their commander can build and fix ANYTHING with tools(considering his nickname is "Tool Man"), Their Lt. has had plenty of experience kicking Alien a$$. Their maintainence man is a first class detective. However, their greatest strength lies with the good Dr. Lazarus, Alan Rickman. The entire crew could be obliterated and he could still win the day. I , at this point in the commentary, bring up the classic grude match rule of bringing an ally in. He can bring in Grudge Match champion John McClane to waste those losers from Spaceballs. He has already killed Darth Vader, so killing a pardoy of Vader would take half the time. Colonel Sanders would be killed instantly. And the President of planet Spaceball would cower in fear. Alan Rickman has the power of GOD behind him, fo he is the Metatron, the voice of God. This helped Moses win a grudge match and it can help Alan win. With God supporting the Galaxy Quest team, planet Earth shall be saved, just like n any classis Sci-Fi movie.
Galaxy Quest, easily. The stars of Galaxy Quest have never before used their equipment in real life, and they haven't even pretended to use it for around fifteen years. Despite this, they are able to use it perfectly after a little practice and a few minutes of instruction from their fans. Contrast this with the Spaceballs, who have a lifetime's experience and training in the use of their equipment under combat conditions in space. They don't know what will happen when they go to ludicrous speed. They don't know that there's a button they can press to cancel the self-destruct function, or that it's out of order.
Dark Helmet has trouble with VCR equipment. Technical Sergeant Chen has much less experience with teleportation equipment than Snotty, but, after one false start, can still use it a lot better. Clearly, the stars of Galaxy Quest are much better at adapting to new situations.
- Harry Wise
Galaxy Quest wins. The GQ guys actually did have a real adventure and won against some really evil, nasty types. The Spaceballs are idiots who only stood a chance of winning in the messed-up logic of a Mel Brooks movie. It's heroes vs. villains here. Duh. Who do you think is going to win? Especially when you've got the heroes from a family movie and the villains from a Brooks movie? It's like pitting a fight between God and Mickey Mous-- *blink* Hey, that would be funny...
- The Mysterious Dr. X
I can't believe you both overlooked the glaringly obvious point in Galaxy Quest's favor: MORE POWER (arrh arrh arrh)!
The GQ leader (not to be confused with GQ the rag) is none other than Tim the Tool Man Taylor. He's busy salivating over that huge Mega- Maid ship the Spaceballs own....think of the awesome suck power that maid wields....all he has to do is get on board and start playing with buttons and levers. And what better way to do that than get himself and Sigourney captured; use her as a distraction for Skroob, Helmet, and the other Spaceballs (believe me, that won't take much effort); and then go try to find out how to use Mega-Maid to wipe out Bob Vila....only as always he does something stupid, like slip on a banana peel and land on the ship's auto-destruct.
Cut to the final scene: Mega-Maid (which bears a striking resemblance to the Statue of Liberty) buried in the sand by the ocean. Two apes come riding down the beach and see all the occupants wandering aimlessly about in zombie-fied fashion.....
APE #1: "It's that 'Tool Time' fellow!"
APE #2: "oh $***....there goes the planet."
- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie
Well since were bringing in the alternate universe crap(which is probably required cuz this is a sci-fi convention) we consider that sigourney weaver and rick moranis had sex in a ghost buster feature. Now it is my hypothesis that Darth Helmut upon getting a good look at weaver's character some vestige of gozer in him will be rekindled. Weaver will take a moment longer, but the godlike power of gozer will be channeled through her once more as well. As revolting feeling of attraction comes over the 2 of them, Gozer realizes the power of the schwartz is now his to command through Darth Helmut. The rest of the SpaceBalls cast realize that they had best get gone while the gettings good. The Galaxy quest crew however, is compelled by foolish heroic qualities to stay and do their best to fight the otherwordly menace. They are eaten in a gruesome display of cannibalism as Moranis and Weaver revert to their dog form and give into the hunger. Spaceballs wins by default as their competition is eaten. But that is only a temporary reprieve as Gozer enters the world and makes Missouri the seat of its New Empire. Of course the Ghose busters do their best to stop Gozer but they had not reckoned on the newly aquired powers of the schwartz. They are cut to pieces by what would appear, to an uniformed oserver, to be a glowing phallus. All hail to our new overlord, the naked woman in foam, LORD GOZER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Technology will define the match.
The Spaceballs have Schwartz ringsTM,
liquid SchwartzTM, PerriairTM,
and a cool ship that transforms into a giant vacuum.
However, Galaxy Quest technology is superior. Why?
If all of their technology is as sophisticated as their
translators, the Spaceballs have no (insert favorite cliche here).
Not only do Galaxy Quest(Star Trek) translators convert
speech, they also convert facial movements! No alien
language could possibly have the same mouth movements
as English. This conversion must work through either
highly developed holographics, group mind control, or
some unknown ability that is so powerful that it has
been banned by the UN(usa), unless to prevent an alien invasion.
With those technologies, they could either make infinite
duplicates of themselves, control the minds of all the
Spaceballs, or annihilate them in a blinding flash.
Afterwards, they might decide to go for some frozen Yogurt.
- Captain Olimar, protector of small, defenseless alien lifeforms
As we know ALL Sliders episodes are bad. We also know that Grudge Matches are almost always decided on facial hair (see Chewbacca vs. Worf) so therefore Spaceballs MUST win hands down on the facial hair o'meter with a petty 1/1000 with the guys mustache.
- Captain Donut aka. Oli
Alas, you're right. I have spent much time in the state of Missouri (Missour-ah, misery), and you are right, all the women beautiful enough to be Playboy Playmates have up and left.
Now, if only they'd come to Kansas...but no such luck.
Oh, the fight. I think if Tim Allen had come as Buzz Lightyear, then maybe the Galaxy Quest crew would have a chance, but as it stands, Spaceballs.
- Tristan (who lives just outside the state of Misery)
The Galaxy Quest team led by Tim "Ultimate Tool" Allen has in its arsenal two mighty weapons, cocaine and Disney. Spaceballs has Mel "I Was Funny In The Seventies...No Really!" Brooks and his mighty army consists of....Broadway dancers. It ain't good to be the king when your court consists of "fagelas?". In a snowy Santa Clause ridden haze, Galaxy Quest is pounding Spaceball ass before you can say "Where's my f*@$ing speedball?"
- VooDooPork (The Other White Meat)
"Evil will always triumph, because good is dumb."
You realise, of course, he lost, right?
Next Match: Peaceth
Next Match: Peaceth
© 2002, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC