Mr. T Jesse Ventura "We pity da fool wid da slo link!"
World Wide Web Fights Presents
What is Grudge Match?
What is Grudge Match?

The Scenario

The crowd's cheering lulls to a quiet murmur as President Carlo Azeglio Ciampi rises from his seat. He looks out into the stands filled with pre-teens eager for the forthcoming bloodshed.

"Chariot-racing was once a proud tradition of this country, and many legendary races were run right here in the Roman Coliseum. Today's match will revive that long-lost tradition in spectacular fashion. You will recognize Charioteeress number one from her mega-super-smash-hit album, Oops!... I Did It Again, ladies and gentlemen... Britney Spears!"

Britney finishes fastening the studded, black leather yoke to A.J.'s neck and hops into her chariot. She snaps the whip across the back of Kevin's head and her five stallions, The Backstreet Boys, pull her around the dirt floor of the Coliseum for a welcoming lap.

"You will recognize Charioteeress number two from her sensational self-titled debut album, ladies and gentlemen... Christina Aguilera!"

Christina grips the reigns of her five virulent young studs, cracks her whip on Justin Timberlake's ass and sends her team, *NSYNC, trotting around the track. When they get back to the starting line, Britney whips Justin on the ass, too, just for good measure.

The teams ready themselves into their starting positions, awaiting the signal from President Ciampi. He takes a deep breath, pauses a moment and shouts... "Go!"

So, Brendan, which flashy femme fatale will flog her fast and furious front-runners into finishing first?

Christina Aguilera and *NSYNC Britney Spears and The Backstreet Boys

Christina Aguilera and *NSYNC
Britney Spears and The Backstreet Boys

The Commentary

BRENDAN: I think we can both agree that the boys can be factored out of this one, it being well known that the boy band infestation of the late '90s was the result of an attempt by Nazi scientists to clone Leo DiCaprio going horribly, horribly awry. Since their being clones of one another means they will all be of equal ability, we can do as Rainwoman would do and focus on the girls.

And as much as I hate to go against a fine Southern lady like Ms. Spears, it is obvious that Christina is going to win. Don't get me wrong, if this was a straight on catfight I would give it to Britney, since she could just pick Christina up and stuff her in a smallish drawer. But instead, it's a chariot race which means Christina's diminutive size actually works to her advantage. Just the silicone deposits in Britney probably weigh more than Christina does.

But it is more than physics that will decide this race, it is also psychology. Let's face it: Britney has no idea who she is. In her own songs the poor thing reveals she doesn't even know what sex she is yet. And just look at her bizarre behavioral patterns where she goes around claiming to be all virginal and pure and then does videos that would make John Waters blush. With such obvious identity issues, Britney lacks the focus that is so vital for success at the races.

By contrast, Christina knows exactly who she is (and as a bonus she actually knows how to sing as well). And just as important, Christina hasn't had her hands tied (at least not metaphorically) by a good girl image like Britney has. Christina doesn't have to worry about things like not getting that guest shot on 7th Heaven just because she flogged a few *NSYNC boys to jelly. And since Christina actually seems to revel in her skankiness, she will be perfectly willing to offer herself to her stallions if they just make sure she wins. The *NSYNC boys, being healthy red-blooded American clones offered a shot at an extremely hot midget, will take her up on this offer (except for the obviously homosexual Timberlake -- Christina will just get her pal Ricky Martin for him) and propel Christina to victory. Britney, who apparently has a chastity belt welded to her and who has almost certainly been traumatized by her experiences giving lap dances to Bob Dole, will not be able or willing to make a similar offer to her team.

And anyway, Christina's hotter.

JOE: She isn't as cute as Christina and she's definitely not as talented as Christina, but did that stop Britney from wiping the floor with Ms. Aguilera on the pop charts? No, it didn't. Britney got herself a boob-job and a dance instructor and now she's the queen of the music biz. This shows us that Britney is the fiercest, most vicious competitor on the field today. She's going to do whatever it takes to win: lie, cheat, steal, stick razor sharp spikes on her wheels to destroy Christina's chariot, etc. I wouldn't put it past her to have a couple pints of silicone drained from her tits, just to reduce the wind shear.

Secondly, you can't just forget about the guys in this race. They are a very big factor, and an advantage for team Spears I might add. The Backstreet Boys are way more athletic than *NSYNC. *NSYNC look like the kind of guys you made fun of in high school because they spent their lunch hours in the chorus room lip-syncing to Diana Ross, whereas the Backstreet Boys look like the kind of guys who were in a dancing street gang in the 80s, like the ones in Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video. Kevin looks like he has gotten in quite a few back-alley brawls. Lance, on the other hand, looks like he has gotten into quite a few pillow fights.

Also, Britney has a motive for winning this match. Revenge. We all know that back in the days of the Mickey Mouse Club, Christina was always the one who could sing and be all cute and everything. Britney is a complete hack and totally jealous of Aguilera's talent (and natural breasts, for that matter). This race is going to be where the "girl-next-door" facade finally comes off. Britney's going to get to use that whip today, but it's not going to be on the back-sides of the Backstreet Boys, its going to be on poor little Miss Aguilera.

You know, I almost feel a little sorry for Christina and the beating she's about to receive. Maybe she'll let me... you know... console her.

BRENDAN: I must admit, I'm impressed Joe. Your ability to distinguish between the various Boy Bands borders on the savant. And on a related note, I guess we finally have an answer to who's been leaving all those copies of YM and Tiger Beat around the Grudge offices. But let me ask you this: what exactly is the motivation for the Backstreeters? They know that any time a group of guys work with a cute chick, faster than you can say "No Doubt" they are forgotten and she's getting all the attention. And while the *NSYNC team will go all out for the chance to have Christina rub them the right way if they win (and from the not unreasonable fear that Christina will make geldings out of them if they lose), nothing like that is motivating the Backstreeters. They certainly can't be motivated by pride or they would never have released any of the songs they did.

And while you are doubtlessly correct that Britney wants revenge, that doesn't explain how she's going to get it. Christina's a pretty tough cookie, having already survived both the comedic stylings of Andy Dick and being in the same room with Christopher Walken. What can Britney possibly do that will be scarier than either of those things? Just look at how she handled it when she found out that another of her hated enemies (this time Pink) was staying at the same hotel she was. Did Britney firebomb the hotel, release anthrax into its ventilation system, steal all its toilet paper? No, her response was to leave the hotel. That's it. That was the best she could come up with. And if she couldn't best the lowly Pink, how can she possibly hope to handle the far more dangerous Christina? What's she going to do, give Christina the silent treatment?

Britney knows she's outclassed. Repeated drubbings at every award show ever have drilled into her that whenever she tries to compete with Christina, she always suffers a humiliating defeat. By now she expects it, it's familiar to her, she probably even wants it. And Christina, being an expert on what a girl wants, will be happy to give it to her.

JOE: I think you're over-estimating Christina's sexual attractiveness, Brendan. You keep saying that *NSYNC is going to win so she will give herself to them, but who in their right mind is going to want sloppy seconds from Ricky Martin? The Backstreet Boys, on the other hand, do have a real motivation. They were out in Orlando, doing their boy-band dancing thing when out-of-the-blue comes another five-member all-boy group from the same city. I guess *NSYNC certainly wasn't very discreet about ripping BSB off. That's motive for revenge... and as I've previously mentioned, the Backstreet Boys are way tougher. This is going to be a dirty race and *NSUCK is about to be on the ass-end of an ass-kicking.

Britney is not going to be giving anybody the silent treatment. Why? Because Britney has The Rage(TM). We've already discussed her motives for revenge on Christina, but with little Justin Timberlake pretending to be heterosexual with someone else behind her back, she'll be pushed over the edge.

Britney doesn't want to just win the race, she wants to destroy her opponents. She'll do it by whipping Christina with her riding crop, she'll do it by letting the Backstreet Boys pound on *NSYNC mid-race and mostly she'll do it because of her NASCAR training. Yeah, Britney kicked off a NASCAR race last year. While she wasn't actually a driver or anything, she was around there long enough to pick up some tips from Jeff Gordon and that will give her a huge advantage.

And for the record... those are Paul's Tiger Beats. I only read Wired and mary-kateandashley.

Thanks to the many, many, many, many, many, many people that suggested some kind of pop star related match. This kind of celebrity focus goes against our nature, but so many viewers requested it, we obliged. Although, we had to do it in a way that allowed our twisted nature to shine through (and to allow for a gruesome death for at least some if not most of them).

The Results

Christina Aguilera and *NSYNC

Christina Aguilera & *NSYNC (1086 - 53.3%)


Britney Spears and the Backstreet Boys

Britney Spears & The Backstreet Boys (953 - 46.7%)

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Voter Comments


OH MY GOD!!! So, ok, I was like doing a google search looking for more pictures of the BSB to finish up the wallpaper in my room. And I like came across this webpage and I'm all thinking, well, oh my God, they put Christina with *nSync when everybody who knows anything would put her with The BSB cause they are all like so hot and stuff. So anyways, I called up my friend, Fawn who thinks she's like bi-sexual and stuff, but she really isnt, she just wants the attention but dont tell her I said that. And so I'm all telling her what your thing all said and stuff and she's all like "oh my God, they put the BSB with Britney when she's such a skanky whore and that just isnt right." So like anyway, I decided to think about it and decide who would win and everything. So then maybe you're right and stuff.

But then I went to the Galleria with my friends Fawn and Crystal and Paige. Paige's daddy owns a Beemer dealership so she's all rich and stuff and that why she's our friend. So anyway, we were all talking about it and stuff and Crystal like has this cousin who lives in Nevada who knows this guy who has a brother who lives in Orlanda that knows the BSB's hairstylist and he said that the BSB are way cooler than *nsync and we all know that already. And Christina didnt turn into a slut until she did that Lady Marmalade video, so anyways when I saw that, I was all like thinking that Christina out-whored Britney in that one. So anyways, back to the match, I think that Christina and the BSB have it all worked out somehow cause they are all the best even if Christina is a skank now.

But my boyfriend, Rick (he's so cute cause he bleaches his hair and is like really tall and stuff) well, anyhow he used to think Britney was all hot and everything and then he saw her on TRL doing an interview with Carson Daly (who is also real cute but was stupid to break up with Tara Reid) and now Rick thinks that Britney is like an airhead and all that. But I heard from this girl, Tenille, that she heard from Brad that Rick was telling Marcus that he would get on Britney if he could even if she was a whore. So now I'm all thinking I might break up with Rick cause he shouldnt be saying stuff like that and all when he's my boyfriend.

So like, back to the match and stuff. I would tell you how I figure that Christina and the BSB have it all figured out to get rid of Britney and 'nstink but I'm all like late for cheerleader practice so I gotta like go now. BYEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

- Mindi Sue

Silver Grudgie ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

At first I thought that this match was WWWF's sick attempt to capture the lucrative youth market. When I realized you were serious - at least, as serious as WWWF gets - I settled down to consider my, er, choices.

All four acts are superficial bubble-gum entertainers who abuse musicality, sequins, and the English language. Not to mention the patience of all those poor parents now having to search their 12-year-old daughters' lunch bags to make sure they're bringing food and not bikini tops to school. Then I realized there is indeed a difference here - Britney Spears is additionally abusing an albino python.

A few months ago I offered to help the local reptile house move to a new location. This was partly to pick up a little extra cash, partly to satisfy my fascination with slithering cold-blooded creatures, and mostly because I was working part-time as a fencing coach, allowing me to print business cards which read, "Fencing Coach/Python Handler," and I defy anyone to top that for Beyond Mentos Level Coolness (tm).

Pythons, I learned while dropping them live rats, have wonderful personalities. They are basically gentle, solitary creatures who like nothing better than to snooze in the sun, bask in their Inherent Hipness, and devour the occasional passing rodent. Like all snakes, they prefer silence and a quiet, sheltered place to rest, and they will give Serious Attitude to anyone who disturbs them.

In short, pythons hate everything that Britney is doing. Make no mistake: that snake is filled with The Rage (tm).

Here's how the race will go: thirty yards out of the gate, the python dislodges itself from Britney's shoulders, wraps itself around her temptingly bared midriff, and squeezes. It has no thought of devouring her - this is a python of distinction and taste - but it enjoys the futile struggles and gasps of its prey, and savors its sweet moment of revenge for repeated performances of "Ooops! I Did It Again!" (and who can blame it?) Since half of the crowd consists of parents forced to attend this event with their screaming offspring, they gratefully reward the snake by helping it to escape animal control. It finishes its days in the Borneo jungle, growing to a highly successful forty-foot length and enjoying regular feedings off the world's most delectable goats.

Aguilera and company by default.

- Lee Bridges

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

It doesn't matter who actually wins the running part of the race. When the teams get drug-tested afterwards, the Backstreet Boys (and thus, Team Britney) will be disqualified, giving Team Christina an automatic victory.

Thanks a lot, A.J.

- Ilsoap

Hell, no one will win this one! None of these jokers can pull their own weight, let alone make truck for anyone else.

- Dr. Stones

I must congradulate you both on remaining curteous during your debate and not resorting to violence. I know that after reading the match I felt like commiting several acts of vehicular homicide.


Remember, hold out for heaps of money when "Where are they Now?" asks for the rights to broadcast this in ten years time.

- Mixmaster Flibble

Isn't it obvious? Its a tie. That's the only way this can end, barring Divine Intervention (can I get a "tm"?) or interference. Why, you plebians may ask?


What's the difference between Britney and Christina, and those two boy "bands" (if you can indeed call them that)who's names dare not be uttered? Those groups are the same; same guy made 'em, same guy writes their songs. Britney and Christina? Look at their damn pictures on the voting buttons... no difference! Ergo, (note my intelligent use of Latin) as the two opposing parties are equally matched in every way as the drivers and the teams are one and the same, the race must invariably end in a tie.

However, I said that this was barring outside interference or Divine Intervention. You see, God himself will sense the sheer "uncoolness" that wafts from this unholy battle, and will send his mortal messenger and warrior to stop this before anything can happen (thus, we have outside interference coupled with Divine Intervention!). God sends no other than that God Among Men... Mr. T.

Yes, in a battle where the two sides are so horribly, oh, I don't know, geeky, the ying-yang of nature requires a third party of unsurpassable coolness to counterbalence this atrocity. T will arrive, stand in the middle of the track, and use his unstoppable "T- Force" to halt the chariots in their tracks, bellow a mighty "I PITY THE FOO WHO LIKE THIS CRAP!!!", and, using his great "T-Strength," hurl the two chariots into space, thus ending this uncool threat to existence itself. So, once again, via the great vehicle known only as the "Deus Ex Machina," Mr. T saves the world again, this time especially for its music fans.

- Joe Neglia

Britany will be on fire. She has many hit albums, songs and even a movie. Even if it wasn't worth watching her opponet can't say the sawe. The closest thing she could come up with was dressing as a prostitute for the video of Lady Marmalade. Spear's will be running on her "Hollywood High" while Christina will be scrambling for a comeback and a decent pair of clothes.

Speaking of movies, we have to look at the guys in this match since they will be doing all the work. Neither of them are in movies but the closest was N*Sync and their appearence in the upcoming movie Star Wars Epsidode 2 Attack of the Clones. However, Lucas cut their scene when the millions of fans screamed bloody murder at the thought of their beloved movie being soiled with the presence of a boy band. N*Sync realising that their army of femenine teeny-boppers were no match for the horde of Star Wars fans devoring them from limb to bloody limb will be too distraught to pull the chariot of Augillera.

- Dark Queen

If everyone just stops buying britney merchandise Today, then shell break down and resort to doing porn before the week is out. Who's with me?

- kramertim

N*SYNC win. Why? Simple. They did the soundtrack for "Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genious" (in the amusement park,you can hear "Pop" ringing in when Jimmy,Sean and that doofus Carl are having a blast in the Retroville Amusement Park). And I think thatīs the BEST movie ever made. Period (plus, the amusement park scene is one of the best scenes in the whole movie).

- Tyler Durden(roll over!play dead!blast off!)

Christina Takes this one, and reigns as the newly elected POPTART queen until the next one comes along in 3 or 4 months (See Natalie Imbruglia, The Return of Tiffany, Shakira...).

1)Brittany will get distracted by her ex Justin Timberlake and try everything in her power to destroy her opponent ala. Ben Hur. She will ram, Christina's chariot, only to tip over.

2)Brittany's lead horse A.J. is a drunk, he could trot a straight line (could do a line though) if his life depended on it. Which it does, as the rest of the BSB needs to resurrect their careers.

3)If Lance Bass is in good enough shape to go into space, than running a mile draggin a chariot is a piece of cake.

So, Brittany Crashes, Christina Thrashs, and the world dry heaves, all over again.

- Shaun The Other White Meat

Fifty feet from the finish line the two chariots, neck and neck up until this point in the race, both shudder to a halt as the two boy bands simultaneously collapse from exhaustion, their bodies covered in bloody welts.
Just as Britney and Christina leap from their chariots and head towards the finish line on foot, a collective shout rises from the crowd as a snarling, furry blur shoots across the track, overtaking Chistina and bringing her down in a flurry of spurting blood and shredding flesh. With speed born of mortal fear, Britney rockets past the finish line and runs for the safety of the announcer's booth. After a few seconds jostling for position on the off chance that the now-single Britney might shower her savior with loving affection, Brendan knocks Joe on his ass and leans over the edge of the booth, grabbing Britney's arm as she leaps for safety. He struggles for a few seconds, muttering, "Jeez, she's heavier than she looks. Must be the implants," before finally falling backwards, clutching only a bloody stump.
"Who in hell let Russell out of his cage anyway?" Joe asks, rubbing his head. "His fight with Hugh Jackman isn't for another twenty minutes."
Brendan shrugs as he gets to his feet, then holds up Britney's severed hand. "Hey man, how much you think I could get for this on E- Bay?"

Meanwhile, deep within the bowels of the Coliseum, Thinkmaster stands by an empty cage greedily counting his money as seven figures - five men and two women - lurk in the shadows nearby watching.
The first woman giggles with glee and says, "Now that those posers are taken care of, our return to pop stardom is guaranteed! Let's go to the mall and celebrate!"
The second woman rolls her eyes. "Sheesh! What is it with you and shopping malls anyway?"
As the group walks away, one of the men can be heard muttering, "Once upon a time I was the superstar and he was the laughing stock! I mean c'mon, the fucking Funky Bunch? Now he's Mr. Big Shot Movie Star and he won't even return my phone calls! So much for family loyalty!"
"Yeah sure, whatever you say Donnie . . ."
"Hey, fuck you Joey!"

- Don "King" Milliken

If I know one thing its that pop posers shop the fastest and will do almost anything often enough to make sure their noticed. This is why Im going with the trl charts and favoring nysnc in this match up. People with no interest in the hallowed tradition that is grudge match will turn up in record numbers to support the pre teen fantacy of choice. Granted these are the same people who think carson daly reads all the requests himself but without accounting for intellegence there are lots of them. Little girls with computers that match their outfit will decide this bout. Plus christina looks more at home with the whip.

- ex agent

I hate to point it out, but, both are blond, both are female, and both are DRVING!!!

i see it as ending at the first corner with both teams running full- tilt into a wall. then we release the tigers, lions, lepods, heyna's and duckbilled- platapus's. maybe a few wombats as well.

ALL mangled and killed i wish.

- listy the treadhead

Usually, you need a motivator to win a racing match similar to this one. I now introduce to you the most disgusting of factors: the UGLINESS FACTOR(TM). With such a factor, you'll usually have your contestants running away from the Object Of Abhorrance(TM). Though, Britney has no recorded history of being thoroughly disgusting, Christina was in that awful drag-queen-burlesque getup in that Moulin Rouge(TM) Song (Lady Marmalade(TM), what kind of a song is that?). And she also wore that disgusting getup during the Grammy Music Awards (TM) as well.

All Christina has to do is to wear the same thing in this race. The N'SYNC boys will be overwhelmed with such ugliness that they will flee towards the finish line, only to forget that they are still harnessed to Christina's Chariot.

- Tahna Los

I humbly submit to you the Rack Factor to settle this battle. Christina is one sell babe, but she lacks the, er, assets of Ms. Spears. Britney's swelling bosom has induced many a swelling in many males'.... Wait, what was I talking about?

(As Robin Williams has noted: Men have a brain and a penis; but only blood enough for one at a time.)

- Vomit Death

After the parade lap a minor accident occurs. After the days of the gladiators a minor oversight happened, the lion cages were never emptied. After years of being caged and subsideing on sewer rats and dead lions they have severly disturbed. They hear the noise of the crowd and become overly aggressive. With a burst of energy they break free from captivity wrecking havoc on the competitors. To the delight of the crowd (and music lovers all over the world) the lions quickly devour the pop tarts as well Britney and Christina.

Due to overwhelming demand, all engineered pop bands are rounded up and forced to "race chariots".

p.s. The only real loss is that there will not be a pictoral spread of the tow former mouseketeers in any "gentlemans" magazine.

- Floyds Dark Side

I'd rather gnaw my own arm off than have to contemplate this match- up. Nevermind that I've known drag queens that were more butch that those boy-band freaks, but I'm supposed to be able to choose between Britney and Christina? I can barely differentiate between the two of 'em, much less weigh their (cough!) assets.

Both girls, alas, are a tad too skankilicious for my tastes. But, I suppose if they've gotta have it out once and for all, a good Ben- Hur style chariot race will produce enough gore to keep the masses happily entertained (not to mention the enevitable ripping-of-the- bodice catfight after the race).
Not that it matter, anyway. Neither of these crews would ever be able to top the (relatively) raw soul of Gladys Knight and The Pips.

Did I read that right? Did Joe use membership in a dancing street gang as an example of being tough?
Wow, Joe, I did not know that about you. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I just didn't know.

- Spoo Monkey

As a former student of ancient Rome, I learned a great many things about the society, especially their games. True, along with gladiatorial combat, chariot races were much loved by the Roman people. And why did Romans love anything? Because it satisfied one or more of the following:

1. It was bloody as hell.
2. It involved lewd sexual practices.
3. It provided an excuse for people to get drunk as a Kennedy.
4. It distracted them from the fact that they were poor and led miserable peasant lives, and were ruled by egomaniacal, insane men who ran the greatest civilization on Earth into the ground by looking out for number 1 above all else.
5. It reminded them of the "good old days."
6. It made fun of Greece or Africa or Egypt.
7. It showed everyone else in the world they were not to be f*^@ed with.

Chariot races do, in fact, satisfy a number of these, but none more so than the first: chariot races were deadly, bloody, dangerous affairs that make Nascar look like a trip around the block.

So here's hoping that the lack of an "All Tangled in a Bloody Heap With Vital Organs and Fluids Spewing About Like Pyro at a Kiss Concert While Fans Everywhere Rejoice" button was a simple oversight.

- Adam B.

At first I was torn between having to vote for either NSync or Britney. Choosing either seems like it should be a crime. At first I wasn't going to vote, then I realized that the chariot-pullers from the winning team would probably be the ones whipped more. And nobody is more whipped than Justin Timberlake.

-Voice of Reason

This match is completely undecidable. Usually, you can use a few of
the Grudge Match rules, and get the winner in seconds, but not
here. Let me explain. Both show the Babe Factor(TM), which
means that's of no use, same with the Rage(TM), which both
clearly show. BOth also have many Fanboys(TM), and niether have
been on Star Trek(TM). Also, to the best of our knowledge,
Niether are in the Braveheart Jihad(TM)(There is no Jihad(TM)),
or is an English Soccer Hooligan(TM). Both probably weigh as much
as a rottweiler's weight in Chihuahuas(TM),too. While
Christina does show Whoop-Assability(TM), it is unused in a
race.And, using MTV as their their ladder, have climbed to Mentos
(TM) level coolness. According to the many idiotic things
I've heard about them, niether is as smart as Fluffy (TM).
Seeing as how Britney and Christina are alike in any and
all ways, they must be twins. Therefore unleashing the Evil Twin
Syndrome(TM). The youngest twin is always evil, and if
Hollywood has taught us anything, it's that the evil twin always
dies. Christina is youngest, so therefore, crashes, and dies.
Britney is winner by default.

- Spooner

'where the hell is the all killed and mangled button here for this match???" i ask myself as i take my seat in the Roman Coliseum in my Hotbranch 3:16 shirt, rainbow wig, and big sign that says "The End is near!!!" i ask that for the boys who should be distroyed by slim shady and then get to run a roman style orgy with britney and christina. hmmmm..... yeah, now if you guys could just sell the video of that, you would be all set for life.

--BIGMRG74*was sent here to distroy the evil boy bands!!!*

I vote that all the contestants, in lieu of being maimed and killed, should be forced to eat lunch with Tom Green. That'll teach them to stay out of the entertainment industry.

(On the other hand, why bother with a contest this fortnight, since I, like Kirk in the "Kobiyashi Maru" test, have found a way to award MYSELF the Gold Metal in this contest? MUHAHAHAHAH!)

Well, at least a special commendation for original thinking wouldn't be a bad idea. Technically, there's no rule that says you can't use HTML to give yourself the Gold Grudgie...

- Deacon

We must give you points for originality for giving yourself a Gold Grudgie™. However, since it's no longer original, anyone else that tries it will have their response deleted with Extreme Prejudice™. -- Ed.

**sings loudly and quite out of tune** Would you be my giiirrrrllfriend, I'd treat you goood . . . **abruptly stops singing* Wow. Dude, sorry about that. Ahem. I felt I had to write my - er - insightful comments because of two main, influential factors: a) I am a teenage girl, and b) I (unfortunately) do listen to pop. Having been fans of both BSB and Christina Aguliera a few years ago, and Britney and NSYNC, more recently, I am very much aware of their musical capabilities and furthermore, thanks to disgustingly steriotypical copies of Teen, Seventeen and YM magazine, very much aware of their personal lives, as well. I believe that the competition will be split up into two main competitions, which will be decided as seperate events that will lead to a deadlock in competition, and an eventually horrid end.

a) BRITNEY v/s CHRISTINA: Ask any pre-teen girl (such as my sister) who Christina Aguliera is, and chances are they will respond with, "Who?". Ask them who Britney Spears is, however, and they will tell you her life story and list every one of her songs by the placings on the pop charts. Britney, unleashing the power of mass numbers of pre-teen fans (which grows daily like a cancerous cells in a massive tumor) will easily defeat Christina, allowing Britney to not break any of her (fake) nails.

b) BSB v/s NSYNC: Once again, the power of multiplying amounts of pre-teen fans will be unleashed. NSYNC will send their carefully bred insane fangirls to destroy the Backstreet Boys. The battle will be later parralleled to the great Ewok-Stormtrooper battle (See: Return of the Jedi) during which, inexplicably, the much smaller and - (argueably) dumber - Ewoks managed to wipe out numerous Stormtroopers and other members of the Imperial Forces. Chances are that half of the members of BSB will be either drunk or in rehab, allowing the pre-teens a quick and decisive victory.

As I have left it, it appears that NSYNC and Britney have won. However, as they are considering what to do next, all pop-hating teenagers will attack the pairs of "pop sensations," causing the aforementioned horrible (or not so horrible) end: ALL MANGLED AND KILLED.

As none of the parties ever possesed any sort of talent (Mike from Canmore has a better voice than Christina Aguliera), realism, decency or sense of self-respect, the delusioned fans of these fabricated . . . things, will determine the outcome of this match. The poor fans, mourning their loss, will never realise how they contributed to the bettering of the music industry.

- Minnie Lockhart (Yes, I'm Canadian, and yes, I wear a toque, even in summer. Is there something wrong with that?)

Suddenly, just as the chariot race is about to begin, the Colosseum quickly fills with GWAR fans from the Free Republic of Montana! Their lust for blood, apparently unsatiated after the demise of the Spice Girls, has brought the angry throng to Rome! No, it isn't long before all four of these sources of horrendous music are imprisoned and carted off to the city Missoula for a public torture session where the pop sensations will be forced to listen to their own music for the rest of their lives.

- Affy

Why, in the name of Mr. T, is there no "All Killed and Mutilated" option? It's almost as bad as the fact that "Chairman of the Board," "Pod People," and "Batman and Robin" were left off of the last match.

Well, if it has to come down to one of them actually winning, I have to go with Christina. The boys won't be factors at all - the unmitigated Rage (tm) that each has for each other will make them forget about the race and just fight each other. Granted, this just means they'll pull each others' hair and try to ruin the makeup of the other band, but a sissy fight is still a distraction.

So we come down to a foot race between the ladies. Two factors swing this Christina's way:

1) Smaller people are faster. Remember in middle school, that one runty kid who was the best at track in gym? That's Christina.

2) Christina is more natural, so she is much more used to her body's dimensions. Britney is still getting used to the new body, and won't be able to fun as fast.

My sincerest hope is that somehow, both will be horribly destroyed. Maybe Bob Dole is waiting with his Lecher-Strength Viagra. Maybe a horde of Italian men will crush them in an attempt to be as stereotypical as possible. I don't care, just make their reign, and the hurting, stop.

- 32_Footsteps, the Eve of Destruction

Britney Spears...fake breasts, digitized voice, songs written by others, professional choreographers to teach her the moves, skanky outfits, and too much makeup.

With a better agent, that could be me.

- The Abyss

One problem: within the first thirty seconds, NSYNC and BSB, meeting each other in person for the first time in a long time, will realize what they have been missing. So, finally, the ten teens do exactly what everyone has been waiting for: they come out of the closet. It's kind of like Rosie: we all knew it years ago, and now it's official.

Since the original competition has to be scrapped (the boys are spending the eving in the hotel watching tapes of S-Club Seven), a new contest has to be created. I have a few suggestions.

1. Mud wrestling on national t.v.
2. Wrestling match in a wave pool.
3. Riding the bull from urban cowboy.
4. Wet t-shirt contest?
5. Mud wrestling, but in my back yard.

Please contact me as soon as you have chosen the new competition. I'm pulling hard for number five... don't tell my girlfriend...

- ticklewigglejigglepickle

Both of you have forgotten the "Jonny Cokrin defense" - RACE. Christina and that one kid from *NSYNC are hispanic. Now being married too a Latina and subsequently having a hispanic daughter I can tell you THEY DON'T FIGHT FAIR!!! That spoiled southern bell is going to be rung. Christina will remove Brits implants with her knife, trust me guys she's got one, while a van load of that *NSYNC kids cousins pulls up and leaves them with no wheels or stereo. All the while the Back Boys will be frozen in terror. Did you see Fast and the Furios? It proved that white people can't race. Christina's low ridin' chariot will bounce on its hydrolics into first place, showing those gringos whats what. VIVA LA RAZA!!!

- eXecutioner

We'll never know the answer. If these boy bands want to get away from Christina and Britney even one tenth as much as I do when I'm forced to look at them, this race will hit Warp 6 as soon as it begins, and then only the USS Enterprise (1701-A) will be able to track them. Are you going to trust Kirk's victory report, knowing how stupid he gets around young blondes?

- The Bunyip

If I may sum up: all members of *NSYNC and the Backstreet Boys are being whipped, and will continue to be whipped until one of them is declared a winner.

The solution is simple: Never declare a winner. But start dipping those whips in lemon juice.

- Wubbie

As flattered as I am to be featured in the commentary, I'd like it if you'd stop thinking that I like dumb blondes. They may be easy, but they couldn't find their way out of a closet with a map.

- Rainwoman

First, I just want to say neither will have a silicon disadvantage, Britney's cup size is only a 36 B, who gets their boobs enlarged to a 36 B??? she will also win because, how long can the anorexic Christina hold up that heavy whip

- denial

The Chick Factor(TM) can be ruled out right off the bat on this one, because all of the boybands are gay. Weird Al even wrote a song to that effect (it was specifically about the Backstreet Boys, but since they're all clones, it applies to everyone). So, positive reinforcement isn't going to work and the boybands must be effectively scared to get them to go anywhere. Britney isn't that bright and doesn't realize this, but Christina does, and so (stop reading if you are faint of heart or stomach) doesn't wear any makeup.

So, they show up to the race. Christina is wearing a scarf over her face. When the signal sounds, she drops the scarf and appears in all her makeup-less horror. *NSync takes off at speeds approaching the speed of light, and they win within a millisecond. But that's not the interesting part of the story "Unfortunately", she loses control, they crash into the walls, and they all die.

Back to Britney and the BB's. When the Boys see Christina, they go sideways into the wall. They are just picking themselves up when Russel Crowe, having been informed that they were planning on holding ancient-Roman style games without him, jumps down and hacks the BB's to pieces before they can pick themselves up. He then turns to Britney, who whips out the python she keeps on hand for just such an occasion and kills him with it. The snake then turns on her and kills her.

And thus, the world is rid of Skanky McMidget, Booby McLipsync, Angry McScruffyface, and the Clones. And there was much rejoicing.

- The (eeeevil) pulsating brain

There's really only one deciding factor here:

Christina Aguilera wrote and sang "Will the Real Slim Shady Please Shut Up?" Whatever other crimes she may have committed against music, she stepped up to the plate and told Emineminemineminemineminem what the civilized world thinks of him, and that's worth more than all the breast implants in the world.

- Bozo the Clone

As much as I'd rather like to see the immortally hot Christina win, I'm gonna have to give this one to Britney... And since there was no mention of length of race... let's just make this a two lap race in the arena from Ben Hur.

Right off the bat, Christina pulls into the lead because of her smaller body mass. Eventually, inertia helps out with the Silicone Princess(TM) and gives her the help to pull up to the hot latin chica. Britney's mean-streak will kick in and she will begin to whip Justin for the pain of the last few weeks. This leads to his restraints being snapped (from britney's horrible, HORRIBLE aim) and his being trampled by his fellow *NSunks). Christina, seeing an obvious advantage to britney, takes quick action and trows her outfit from the "Lady Marmalade" video onto the ground in front of the BSB. The rhines and reflectiveness catch the sunlight and blind AJ, who falls to the ground, gets trampled, and is proceeded to get dragged behind the cart. This leaves Christina in the lead at the end of the first lap. Britney, not yet having crossed the start/finish line, lifts her nipples and drains some silicone to the ground to lose some excess weight and regain some speed.

As Christina rounds the first corner again, she neglects to look ahead, and once again runs over the obviously gay Justin again, damaging her wheels and leaving a Bloody Mess(C) on the track. This gives Britney an opportunity to catch up and actually pull ahead of Aguilera's cart. Christina proceeds to reach up under her shirt and peels off one of her exposed ribs and throws it into Spears's cart wheel, ripping out some spokes and evening the race again. With only a short length in the race to go and britney grasping a short lead, it comes all down to racing skills. Since Britney has none, Christina obviously has the advangtage, and thus takes the lead again. Unfortunately, silicone is clear and Christina didn't see it on the track. She hits it and spins out of control towards the finish line. She regains control just as Britney pulls up to her, and at the finish, Britney wins by a Loosened Nipple(TM).

*POST RACE* Christina, dejected from her loss, finds consolation in going at it with the remaining *NSync-ers. Britney, upset about the loss of Justin, calls up Clone's-R-We and orders a new Justin.

- Colonel Klink's Crazy Cousin

When first looked at, this match will seem closer than a rematch between Darth vs. Kenobi. I mean, they're both pop stars, both have an adoring fanbase of pre-teen girls, and both look really good in Skimpy Clothes (TM). However, upon closer inspection, it is obvious to even the most dim-witted Mental Hospital Escapee or Genius Still Known By His Alias that Christina will mop the floor with Ms. Spears.

We can sum it all up in their albums, and following suit, the songs they have done. First off, Britney has openly admitted her lingering insanity. With songs like "(You Drive Me) Crazy" and reveals her confusion on "I'm Not A Girl, Yet Not A Woman." While points do go to her for the latter admission (C'mon, guys, even major bad-ass Alice Cooper admitted it in "I'm Eighteen," now THAT'S Recpect [TM]), it shows her insecurity with herself. Now, I would side with her if the song was more along the lines of, oh, let's say "I AM Crazy." As we all know, Full-Blown Insanity (TM) leads to a major case of Rage (TM), whereas Lingering Insanity (TM) often leads to lonely nights and a guilty conviction in a Court of Law (TM). At least that's what my probation officer tells me.

Now, look at Ms. Aguilera's credentials. First off, she knows "What A Girl Wants." That's some enlightenment that not even your truly has yet to figure out! She's obviously enlightened! I even know some girls, that's right, girls, who don't even know what a girl wants. I often will offer to help them find, but, ahem, I digress.

And the final, damning evidence for Britney: Christina is a "Genie In a Bottle." Sexual undertones of the song aside (if you're reading this Christina, call me!), this proves that she has powerful allies. Namely, Jeanie from "I Dream of Jeanie" (who WON a previous match, I might add!) and Genie from Aladdin. And if there is one thing I learned from Aladdin, it's that I have never had a friend like him. I came close once with my High School buddy Devin, but he is currently spending time in the Walla Walla Mental Institution, or so I'm told.

So there you have it. And the boys, you ask? Obviously a non-factor. Anyone who openly admits to recording such songs as "Larger Than Life" and "Pop" deserve to be horses in some Chariot battles. By next week 49'ers will be able to rent them out to tow their covered wagons. 'Nuff said.

- Bill, Not of "Clinton," Not of "Mr.," and not of "And Ted"

BSB is filled with old married men.
NSync has boys who dance around a lot. A helluva lot.
While Britney is more established as a pop princess, Christina has the more powerful voice.

Given that Christina has the better team of studmuffins pulling her cart (winkwink nudgenudge), she will win, regardless of every 12 year- old preteen girly wannabe rooting for the Britster.

Of course, the match will end with everyone slapping Justin Timberlake's ass, but that's nothing new.


I know I have already responded but I just have have to ask one small question. Can you make a picture of the pop female stars kissing? It would make up for there being no both mangled and killed.

Remember it has to be good and using real live pictures. If not, oh well. You're gonna die from me.

- Just Another Fanboy Out For Steve, Joe, And Brendan's Blood aka boba513

Even though Britney is taller and heavier than Ms. Aguilera, I've heard that silicon is very bouyant. If there was a sudden flashflood, Little Christy and N'Sync would be washed away or drowned by their lack of bouyance, while Britney and BSB would float easily to the finish. Game, set, match, it's a Britney victory.

- Pop Princess Hater

I remember being at an Alice Cooper concert. Britney came on singing "Hit Me Baby, One More Time." So he did.

Then they leave the stage for a while, and comes back carrying her head. *Sigh* the memories...

Sorry, was there a contest here?

(Btw; members of boy bands have -names-? You make them sound like individuals or something?!)

- Le Messor

One thing that proves itself to skeptics like me time and time again is the occurence of the letter B in all things Bad. Think about it - Beelzebub. Baby killers. Black death. Britney Spears. Battlefield Earth. Backstreet Boys. British people. Bat movies. Broccoli. Beatniks. Bart Simpson. Bhare krishnas (silent B). If you have the unholy B you can do whatever you please and no one will do a damn thing because they know you are PURE CONCENTRATED EVIL.

Too bad they're not up against Bristina Baguilera and B*BBBB.

- Vito "El Kabong" Stromaglia

First of all, I would really REALLY prefer Christina to win. But she's not, here's why:

Christina has N'Sync. Now, that's useful in singing or in staying in step in a marching band, but this is a chariot race. Therfore, since they will have to stay in step, (to be IN SYNC) N'Sync can't go faster than it's slowest member. So, this team loses some raw "manpower".

Britney Spears, first of all, apparently comes from a background steaped in war and violence. Look at her last name, Spears. Surnames in the middle ages usually related to one's profession, and were attached to the familial unit (Baker, Hunter, etc). "Spears" designates a warrior's profession. Possibly even a chariot driving profession (as seen in the action packed sequences of "Gladiator"). So fighting and driving's in Britney's blood. During the race, she will probably unleash her rage on her opponent, and attempt to take out her more talented imitator once and for all.

Then there's her team. The Backstreet Boys. Reportedly, they've been nick-named the "Backdoor Boys" in some circles. Assuming this is true, the members who are behind the other members of the group will have some incentive to run... closer... to their team mates. Those in front have motivation to run FAR FAR AWAY from their fellow band members (making this a "carrot and the stick" motivation, I suppose), so the overall speed of the team will be AT LEAST twice as fast as normal.

So Britney wins and enacts a celebratory, extrememly suggestive pole dance, while singing about how she's still a virgin.

- Shadowknight

I'll put aside your rather treasonous use of a King of Fighters graphic for this particular match-up, and tell you a story. A story of anguish, of pain, of epic personal trauma.

You see, once upon a time, I, like the rest of the country, was blissfully ignorant of that phenomenon called the "modern boy band." Or the phenomenon of "dressing up your barely-legal daughters like Spring Break drunkards and putting them in front of drooling middle- aged single men for money," for that matter.

Anyway. I was cruising around cable one day, and I came across a video for this band I'd never heard of, called N*Sync. It was called "Drive Myself Crazy," and took place in a mental institution. Now, disregarding the possible tastelessness of using that particular venue, there was one thing about that video that stunned, shocked, and sickened me. One thing about two of the members, members I would later know as Lance Bass and Justin Timberlake.

They were TOO WHITE.

I mean, my GOD! I'm surprised they weren't shriveled to a crisp by a 100 watt bulb! They were so white, the camera crew used them as reflectors! They were so white, you could put them in a linen closet and never find them again! They were so white, Adolf Hitler could look at them and say, "Mein Gott, you people are freaks!"

I was horrified. I had no idea humans that pale were capable of surviving, never mind getting major record contracts. Needless to say, I was scarred for life.

So my vote goes with Britney and the Boys, despite Britney's role in starting to turn me off of my favorite soda, Pepsi (due to a combination of Bob Dole lusting after her, and the fact that a co- worker has been known to hum "The Joy of Cola" song randomly under his breath, which irritates me to no end). Of all the contestants here, at least AJ looks SOMETHING like a non-Caucasian. Plus, judging by those photos you have up on the site, Britney's, er, steeds look like they've got SOME muscle to them. With N*Sync, it looks like Drew Carey could break most of those guys in half with a finger twitch. Besides, the Backstreet Boys sometimes do solo a capella, which at least proves they have a modicum of musical talent...

(cough) Not that I... know anything about that, mind you...

- Leaper

I prefer this scenario. In the fourth lap, Britney's "Giant Ball Python"(TM) slithers off her shoulders and gets caught in the spokes and axle of Christina's chariot wheels, breaking the chariot to pieces and sending her careening, a la "Ben Hur" through the air, where her "Anorexic Blade Hips of Death"(TM) slice through Britney's spinal column, which has qlready been weakened by the immense strain of being force to carry around more silicon than exists in the whole of the Microsoft corporation. Due to the loss of both charioteers, both teams would be disqualified, but it gets worse.

The boy-bands/horses, infuriated by the beating they recieved at the hands of the two underfed harpies, that they become filled with RAGE(TM) and turn on their masters/mistresses (we're still not quite sure about Britney. "I'm not a girl!") and begin devouring their flesh like the "Cannibalistic Horses of Diomedes" of Greek mythology. Then, filled with bloodthirsty lust, they engage in an immense boy-band orgy and prance off to Southern California to go shopping. Both teams disqualified, fourth lap.

- "The Anti-Pop"(TM) WCU, Cullowhee, NC

PHOTO FINISH! Its Britney by an implant.

- SumBoddy

The crowd roars as the competitors leap forward. Each team is straining mightily, each driver using the whip liberally as they run neck and neck through the first and second turns. But there is suddenly a strange noise from the crowd, the sort of mystified collective "Huh?" I often hear at Lambeau Field when a well-qualified referee makes a skilled call. A giant mirror is thrusting up out of the sand at the base of Turn 3. Soon it stands as high as the turn wall, and Britney, Christina and their teams are mesmerized. As they streak down the backstretch, they can't take their eyes off their reflections, so great is their self-love. A few heartbeats later, lost in ecstatic self-reverence, the boy bands impact with the mirror-wall. The divas didn't see it coming either, and the crash catapults them upward and forward at lightning speed into the stands, where not even Britney's breast implants can absorb the fatal energies. They lived fast and died young, but they leave very messy corpses and take a few spectators with them in a Lambeau Leap that only an undertaker with 3 kids in college could love.

Later, in a secret control room deep below the Coliseum, an old but fit man sits in a swivel chair in front of the control board for the secret mirror. He wears a tunic. His sandaled feet are propped up on the control panel and he is picking his teeth with the firing pin from a Thompson .45 sub-machine gun as he watches security camera feed of the Rome coroner's office cleaning up what used to be Christina, Britney and two boy bands. Smiling, he reaches down beside the chair and hoists up a massive trophy whose plate reads "Chariot Grand Champion, A.D. 27." Charlton Heston, aka Judah ben Hur, grins as he calls out...

"From my cold dead hands, you damn dirty amateurs!"

- Mr. Silverback- Holds record for most Lambeau Field references in a single response. Please update stats page.

Britney's team and Christina's team will be running around the track like mad. Christina's team will get right next to Britney's team, and a catfight will ensue. Christina and Britney will slap each other, pull each other's hair... maybe they'll strangle one another and ruin their vocal cords. In the end all they do is break a nail or something. Well, considering both teams of boy bands will take FOREVER to make their little trip, the night time comes. The full moon blares out... AND BOOM! The Backstreet Boys turn into those haunted house alter-egos rom that one music video of theirs. The wolfman will rip the head off of one of the NSYNC dudes, the mummy will put some curse on them, the dude with one metal eye will headbutt them, and so on. After The BSB beat the living tar out of NSYNC, Britney will grab Christina by her hair and kick the crud out of her too. Then for our enjoyment Britney straps Christina in the chariot and whips her around the track for an hour until Christina finally breaks down and promises not to release any more music. The BSB, not having to stand the pressure of competing with NYSNC will slack off and not release many tunes, and the world will be right again.

- Jimi "The Damn Jester" Sinister

Okay. Crude as this is, it really is the deciding factor. What do we know?

1- Britney keeps saying she is a virgin. Not saying that I believe it, but well she says it. That is bad enough.

2- Ever seen Ms. Chiquita banana on TV or in a video? This girl wants sex. Horney as hell.

We con conclude from this that if christina wins, there is a small but measureable chance that her sexual desire will land on me. This chance is probably made smaller by the fact that I am geek enough to even reply to this thing, but THE CHANCE EXISTS. DONT take that away from me.

- Thog the Destroyer

I was completely stumped by this match up so I consulted an expert. My 11 year old daughter. After careful consideration she went with Britney & Back Street Boys because "Well, like, Christina sucks... oops sorry..." The result is so obvious that it caused her to say "Christina sucks" to her dad. I rest my case. But I'm not sure I'm thrilled with the methodology.

- the flying lizard

Come on guys, this isn't a fair challenge at all! Britney, though I hate to admit it, has an incredibly unfair advantage. Not only is she surgically augmented for a road-race (her built in airbags), but she's got a spy on the enemy team! Timberlake has got to be using all of his strength to suppress The Rage (tm) due to his two year case of testicular blue-itis! Just give him an excuse like this, and he'll do anything in his power to stop his fellow band members from winning just to get Britney to finally "give IT up." He may be in a Boy Band, but he's not so stupid to give up all of the hard work he's already put in on spearing the Spears.

- Chappy

Let's see... Two sweaty, bouncing hotties mercilessly flogging two crap-ass boy bands to death. As far as I'm concerned, the real winners are us!

- Thrillhouse

An elementary law of physics: no matter how fast you run, you will not drag any object with you unless you are tied to it. Since N*SYNC has "no strings attached," Christina will get a nasty surprise when N*SYNC runs around the track and her chariot, unconnected to the people who are supposed to be pulling it, stays still.

- ex-eunuch boy

I hope there's a huge crash and they all die. (I bet no-one else has written that)

- The Evil Mango Overlord

I hope this race doesn't take too long. The glue factory's almost done with the New Kids on the Block corpses.

- Kilgore Trout

We all know the chaos that comes from a drunk behind the engine, so can you imagine what happens when the drunk is the engine? It so happens that A.J. McLean, the "bad-boy"-turned-chariot-animal of Backstreet Boys, has a severe enough booze problem that his group had to postpone last summer's tour while he sought rehab treatment. His watchful peers might be able to restrain him under normal circumstances, but Italy is flowing with world-famous wine, and trying to navigate the rotaries of this notoriously-inefficient country's capital in the midst of the current millions-strong general strike is enough to drive many foreigners to the bottle. Frustrations over Italian strikes are what made Mussolini seem appealing, and this is the worst one in decades. A.J. will be unable to pull his own weight; the other BSB members will have to pull him! Not even an attempt by Justin of *NSUCK to throw the match and win back his honey will keep Britney's team from an Italian-scale defeat.

Ben Hur, done that.

- Matt Bricker, glum that a circular racetrack precludes any "Crossroads" jokes

I had already commented when this match first came out but half a bottle of Captain Morgan along with a late night episode of "Married With Children" prompted me to make just one more... In this paticular episode The Great and Holy Al Bundy, leader of the secret society "NO MAAM" (The National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood), gave onto his son Bud Bundy (named after the beer) these True Words of Manly Wisdom (TM): "HOOTERS HOOTERS, YUM YUM YUM, HOOTERS HOOTERS ON A GIRL THAT'S DUMB!"

By this Caveman Commandment (TM) it is safe to assume that NO MAAM with its millions of supporters will vote for Brittney Spears as she clearly has the bigger rack and smaller brain! We at NO MAAM are gonna help The Spears carry this one all the way and that's the bottom line 'cause Al Bundy said so! Now, if you'll pardon me, I have to get down to the "Nudie Bar" for the next NO MAAM meeting... wait a minute... there's a lynch mob of women outside my front door! My girlfriend is leading them! They got pitchforks, torches, and a GAS CAN!?! Hmm... Well... Better sneak out the back! It's like old Al Bundy says "When the going gets tough run like a thief in the night!"

- Proud Member of NO MAAM (currently on the run)

You intentionally taunt us with not adding a "mangled and killed" button, as I'm sure many will request. Not me. I can stand the fact you won't let us kill them both. Listening to their music has taught me endurance.

- Bowman

As soon as the race starts, the boybands launch into their trademark dance routines to get themselves moving. In the process get themselves tangled up in their harnesses, trip over each other and pull the chariots on top of themselves, thus killing and/or incapacitating them for the rest of the competition. At this point I will point and laugh. With the boys no longer functioning, the girls will have to get out and start racing on foot. This means we'll get some nice frontal shots of Britney running, so every geek on the Internet will be happy, but Britney herself will probably be having some serious back pain. Conversely, Christina should have no problem zipping past her top-heavy opponent, even less so if she can catch the breeze and float herself to the finish the line.

- My name is Kenny

When I first saw this match, I asked myself, "Why are we holding this chariot race in Italy, when the original from Ben-Hur happened in what is today Israel?" Then I recalled the terrible violence going on in Israel these days -- and got twice as angry. C'mon, guys, you had built-in mayhem to spice up the match, as well as to raise the chances that all the participants would be wiped out by tanks, bombs, or Yasser Arafat's BO, and all you needed to do to get it was not to move the race from its original venue! But instead, you drag it off to Italy, where they live in craven fear of English Soccer Hooligans, think the French Army is "pretty tough", and when someone flies a plane into a skyscraper, it's an accident! Wrong place for a Grudge Match, my compadres in pop-culture chaos.

Okay, I think I've calmed down, but I still have to pick a winner. (Ick.) Well, that won't be difficult.

The key factor is that Britney and Christina look almost exactly alike, as a glance at the voting buttons shows. This means that somewhere on the backstretch of the second lap, Justin Timberlake (the 'horse' on the outside) glances over his shoulder, gets confused thinking his driver is really Britney, and turns around to tell her once and for all that they're Splitsville and to stop following her. The chariot slews out of control, and Christina can't rein it in because Lance Bass (on the inside) just keeps running all-out, working himself into shape to go into cosmonaut training for his ride into space. The chariot ends up plowing into the stands, where the many fans overwhelm the objects of their adulation, smothering them to death. The Immaculate Slut and her Backstreet Boys trot home to victory, and the world breathes a sigh of relief that at least half the participants of this race will bother their eardrums no more.

All right, so I haven't really calmed down. What did you expect in a Grudge Match™? A peaceful ending?

- Call me Shane


Brittany Spears & Christina Aguilera, sweating and Brandishing whips... it's like Christmas in April.

- Shaun The Other White Meat

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

Prince v. Michael Jackson
Fat & Skinny Elvis v. Fat & Skinny Oprah
KITT v. Herbie

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Next Match: Let my people go!
ETA: Monday, April 22nd, 2002

© 2002, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC