World Wide Web Fights Presents
What is Grudge Match?
What is Grudge Match?

The Scenario

"I'm sorry, sir, but you've been disqualified from the recall ballot."

Cruz Bustamante, Lieutenant Governor of California, stares in disbelief across his desk at the Secretary of State of California, Kevin Shelley. "Impossible! How?"

"You're not alone. Most of the slate has been disqualified. One of our interns discovered a forgotten proviso in California's recall election laws."

Shelley hands over a manila folder. Bustamante reads inside, with deepening wrinkles on his brow. "… candidate must be a recognized figure in the entertainment media, including motion pictures, television, publishing …" He turns a page, then snaps the folder shut. "When did this pass?"

"1971 or '72, sir, under Governor—"

"Reagan," Bustamante shrugs. "Figures. Okay, if I'm out, who's still in?"

"Under all of the requirements listed, we're down to five nominees." Shelley produces a sheet. "We have Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gary Coleman, Leo Gallagher—"

"Huh? Oh, the watermelon guy. Go on."

"Larry Flynt and Don Novello."

"Don who?" Bustamante says.

"You know him. The guy who plays Father Guido Sarducci. He—"

They both get the same look in their eyes and shake their heads. "Separation of church and state," they say in unison. Shelley borrows a pen from Bustamante, and crosses out the fifth name.

"So that's four candidates left." Shelley tries to smile. "The good news is, the ballots will cost a whole lot less to print."

Bustamante is unimpressed. "And the bad news is, instead of becoming Governor, I could have one of these guys as my boss in two months."

"Well, look on the bright side. If you're looking for career opportunities in movies, TV, live comedy, or pornography, some positions have just opened up."

So which pop-culture personality produces a political plurality?

Arnold Schwarzenegger Gallagher Gary Coleman Larry Flynt

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Gary Coleman
Larry Flynt

The Commentary

PAUL: People, I told you that California was weird. If you had listened, we could have convinced Arizona, Nevada and Oregon to perform an intervention and the Golden State would be in therapy instead of this mess. Are you happy now?

No matter. Arnold Schwarzenegger wins in a landslide.

First, Ahnold™ has extensive experience killing people. For goodness sake, he starred in a movie called Total Recall and piled up four dozen bodies. Killing off his competition will bring this election to a quick end. Gets my vote.

Second, if Ahnold™ doesn't wish to soil himself with their blood, none of these misfits pose a threat. Let's review:

Larry Flynt: His voting base of porn fans has long abandoned magazines in favor of Internet smut and will prove limp at the polls. His only hope is to sell his soul and I don't think the Devil does refinancing.

Gary Coleman: Last I saw him, he was the celebrity victim in the lame video game Postal 2, where he and his bodyguards armed with assault rifles were gunned down by incompetent police armed with pistols. Contestants on The Surreal Life look down on him.

Gallagher: Those watermelons are going to bankrupt him. Normally you can buy them for four bucks each, but this is California. I'm sure it's required that all political watermelons are organically-farmed, cruelty-free, free-range fruits raised by unionized workers using wind power. One Sledge-O-Matic target will cost as much as Joan Rivers' face.

Finally, if there is a scandal, remember that Ahnold™'s wife is Maria Shriver of the Kennedy clan. I think that Senator Ted (D-MA) can be persuaded to "fix" any problems that may arise. And by "persuaded", I mean "blackmailed". And when it comes to scandals, Ted's problems one day are, ahem, so much water under the bridge the next.

Support Arnold Schwarzenegger: After his smear campaign, Gray Davis is an overly Terminated splatter.

SHANE: In a race this strange, trust a wacky watermelon-walloping prop comic to be the only sane choice for governor.

Nobody measures up to Gallagher. Conan the Republican's apparently so politically clueless, he doesn't know that being for abortion, gun control, and gay adoption makes you a Democrat. Flynt came dead last in his last vote, and the only thing he'd bring to the governor's mansion would be the seventeen venereal diseases that leave him unfit to discharge his … er, duties. And if Gary Coleman wants publicity so bad, why can't he get a reality series like every other underemployed ex-star?

Gallagher has a head start in vote-getting. Everyone who had Showtime in the '80s will support him out of nostalgia. With his outsized hammer, California's millions of Berkeleyite leftists will think he's half-Communist and vote for him. Plus, he's the only candidate with actual programs (you listening, Arnold?), like banning loud cell-phone yakking and using military choppers to clear up gridlock. Sounds good to me. And he's sure to close the budget gap with attacks on watermelons. (Don't groan. You know you wish you'd thought of that pun first.)

Yes, he's been mocked here in commentaries and responses alike, but what those ungrateful slobs forgot was that, with his prop-laden antics, he was the only thing keeping Carrot Top from taking over the field for years! With CT safely dispatched two matches ago, shouldn't we now recognize and reward Gallagher's contribution to humanity? Handing him the basket case that is California might seem ungrateful, but is actually apropos: Gallagher's been dealing with worse messes his whole professional career.

Vote Gallagher, for a governor you'll want to laugh at!

DAVE: The winning candidate is obvious. Think back to the early days of Grudge Lore. Who duked it out in a brass-knuckles brawl for our amusement and edification? Who, with his victory over the diabolical Webster, helped to launch the all-encompassing media juggernaut known as Grudge Match? I'll give you a hint: it wasn't a mushmouthed bodybuilder, professional sleaze merchant, or melon-hammering "comedian".

No, it was Gary Coleman, and the voters will soon recognize his obvious superiority. Coleman clearly has what it takes to relate to people. His Harlem background will lend him credibility among the lower classes. His affluent upbringing at the hands of Mr. Drummond has undoubtedly earned him many contacts in the financial sector. And he's logged hundreds of T.V. appearances (including perennial Grudge Match favourite, The Simpsons), ensuring the viability of California's vital entertainment industry.

You want to talk political connections? Nancy Reagan herself taught Coleman to Just Say No on a "Very Special Episode". Can the same be said for the other candidates, especially steroid-popping Schwarzenegger? Believe me when I say Gary Coleman needs this gig. He needs it to restore his dwindling fame. He needs it so that he no longer has to shill for second-rate internet companies. Most of all, he needs it to wipe clean the criminal record of his brother "WhatChu talkin' bout" Willis.

You know, Grudge fans, everybody has a special kind of story. Everybody finds a way to shine. But no matter what you got, (not a lot), so what? They'll have theirs, you'll have yours and I'll have mine.

And together we'll be fine.

MARK: Larry Flynt is the candidate most qualified for governor. Aside from his head start in immoral activities, he's a veritable cornucopia of political votegettin'ness.

First off, sex sells. Who's going to make sexier ads than a smut peddler does? As we've seen in millions of campaign ads through the ages, the candidate doesn't necessarily need to be in the ads for them to work, which is great for Flynt. Throw some buxom ladies in a campaign ad and, as that pervert down the street says, "hubba, hubba." It's something the other candidates just can't match, even with de-Grudged(TM) Candidate Mary Carey suggesting a breast augmentation tax and Candidate Gary Coleman endorsing a flat tax.

Second, he's been hiding behind freedom of speech. What better person to continue Darrell Issa's campaign to hide political farce behind law? When Flynt saw financial opportunity, he abused the first amendment. When Issa saw political opportunity, he abused the California constitution. They're practically one and the same. For the sake of all that is Issa, Flynt must continue the revolution. It's destiny!

Third, Flynt's a very successful businessman. As the definition of "successful businessman" indicates, Larry Flynt found the best combination of exploiting workers and overcharging consumers to earn gobs of money. Yeah, doesn't sound very good to me, either, but voters seem to LOVE it! That's why so many campaign ads clearly label a candidate as a successful businessman. That's our Larry!

So, voters, Flynt has all the necessities of a politician: great ads, envelop pushing, destiny, and a successful business.

Larry Flynt: Smut More Could You Want?

Thanks to the state of California for giving us this material

The Results

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Arnold Schwarzenegger (1592 - 51.4%)

out runs

Gray Davis

Gray Davis (545 - 17.6%)

Leo Gallagher

Gallagher (359 - 11.6%)

Gary Coleman

Gary Coleman (344 - 11.1%)

Larry Flynt

Larry Flynt (260 - 8.4%)

Current Match | Related & Similar Matches
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Voter Comments


None of these candidates win, nor does Gov. Davis.

Instead, I will win in a surprise come-from-behind finish. One must be in show business? What is politics but the biggest show-biz game there is? Simply attempting to run qualifies one for the race.

My platform is very simple; just one plank. If elected, I promise to have every candidate, including Gov. Davis, publicly flogged. You see, everyone has some archetype they would love to see flogged, and there are so many people running for the post that every archetype is represented. Some examples:

Larry Flynt: NOW, religious right (first time they've ever agreed on anything in politics, no?)

Ah-nold: Anti-immigration groups, touchy-feely-anti-violent-movie types

Any non-white candidates will earn me the support of such groups as John Birch and the Klan (not that I particularly want their public support, mind you, just their votes).

And, since there is a porn star and a lingerie model running, and since one must strip the victim to the waist to properly flog him/her/it, I expect unprecedented levels of support from 18-24 year old males, historically one of the most apathetic demographics in American politics.

All of these factors, particularly the last, should leave me a shoo- in to the office.

- James - BTW, I just want to apologize to the sane Californian (there must be ONE) for the laughingstock your state has become.

Silver Grudgie ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

Because the recall election is little more than a gigantic joke, and everyone voting in this election will be doing so only to get a good laugh, the winner must be decided by who is the funniest candidate:

(1) Although the idea of the Terminator running for any elective office is inherently funny enough, it is immediately negated by the collective unfunny power of Kindergarten Cop, Junior and Twins.

(2) Gallagher cannot be construed as "funny" in any way, shape or form, although he gets a few extra points because apparently somebody thought smashing fruit with hammers is funny enough that his brother stole his act -- and sold just as many tickets doing it.

(3) Although watching a "caring smut peddler" like Flynt throw out curse words like punctuation seems like a funny idea, everyone remembers that it's in bad taste to laugh at disabled people.

(4) Saying Coleman's catchphrase, "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis," will almost always induce a smile from anyone, but regarding Coleman's career, the only laughs that you will get are the kind of nervous, pitying laugh in realization that you haven't heard from this guy in decades, save a few token "Simpsons" appearances.

(5) Which leaves us with Gray Davis. Now, through all of this gubernatorial freak show, who hasn't laughed at poor Gray's pathetic antics to try and hold on to his position? Telling Californians that "the recall is bad for you"? Trying to capture the religious right by stating that the Lord is against the recall? People will remember that Gray may have been a lousy governor, but he sure can make you laugh -- and the others just won't provide the same entertainment value. Besides, a major voting district in California is the television/film comedy writer industry, which depends on voting for the political candidates that they can make fun of the most to keep their jobs successful -- and in the end, making fun of Gray Davis will be the freshest thing on the block.

Not only will Gray Davis recapture his governor status, but he'll get a thirteen-episode deal with NBC to run "Oh, That Gray!", a Must-See Thursday sitcom that's sure to make Chevy Chase's Gerald Ford look like FDR by comparison.

- Ian "Charge Man" Pugh - because the nickname is never enough

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM (Tie)

While all of the candidates have their respective strengths and weaknesses I must cast my vote for Gallagher, if only for the interesting death penalty possibilities should he become Governor of California . . .

"I hope you witnesses in the front row brought your raincoats!"

- Don "King" Milliken

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM (Tie)

Has anyone else noticed that Gray Davis is Mr. Rogers? Let's go to the Neighborhood of Make-Believe (AKA Sacramento):

"Can you say massive middle-class tax increase? I knew you could! Now we're going to take a little field trip. That nice Mr. Flynt is going to show us how he takes all those pretty pictures for his magazine. You know, the one that Mr. McFeeley brings us in the plain brown rappers."

***Ding Ding***

"What's that, Trolley?"

***Ding Ding Ding Dingity Ding***

"You say that Mr. Gallagher broke the watermelon that Gary Coleman was going to eat? And now Fox News is suing Gary Coleman because his character name ArnoldTM violated a trademark of Mr. Schwar-e-negger?"

***Ding Dingity Ding***

"Well, you know, maybe Democracy isn't for everybody. That's why, in the Neighborhood of Make Believe, we have a king. Now let's go see if Good King Friday is having any luck at all finding those nasty weapons of mass destruction . . . "

- Dr. Stones

I had a good joke, but every other latenight talkshow host stole it and drove it into the ground.

- Mr. Chaos, I'm glad I live in Michigan

Figured you had to get to this one eventually...

Anyhoo, before reading on, check out the following web link. Go on, I'll wait:

(Final Jeopardy music plays)

Yep, you read that right. Apparently, at participating Taco Bells in CA, your purchase of a beef crunchy taco constitutes a vote for Arnie, while a chicken taco counts for Gray Davis, and a grilled stuffed burrito counts as a vote for one of the other 686 gadzillion other candidates.

So, considering that I can't stand TB's chicken tacos (because, despite what they tell you, it's mostly dark meat--bleah) AND that I know first-hand that those TV ads for the grilled stuffed burrito where it weighs down the car are 100% truthful, well...the results are conclusive.

Ah-nold wins, and hears ze lamentations of der women. And I get gas yet again.

- RoboGoober Version 2 (would you like nachos with that ballot?)

Look, I LIVE in California, and I'd rather have freakin' Bill Clinton than any of these guys.

Grey Davis is the closest we've ever come to even a flimsy attempt to hide our weirdness. We need to keep up appearances until our missile base is fully stocked.

- Rainwoman

Gary Coleman is going to win, as sure as The Simpsons are winners. Why? He's a small person! Everybody loves small persons, even if the Oompa-Loompas are the spawn of Satan and fodder for endless nightmares. People love Mini-Me, correct? Gary Coleman is only a bit taller, thus giving him the small advantage! Arnold (who seems to have a small and wimpy counter-part on Nickelodeon) is probably on steroids to keep his muscle tone in his old age. Even if he garnered some support, those 'roids might just cause him to have a fatal and untimely heart-attack right before the election, thus terminating the Terminator (tm). The Porn King is old, ugly, and in a wheel-chair. The public dislikes old, ugly people, and the religious nuts will be against the whole porn industry thing. Gallagher smashes watermelons for a living. That, to me, signifies a kid who got regular rounds of swirlies every day of his public school existence. Loser. Coleman in a month, and score one for the Oompa-Loompas! Erm... small persons.

- Bitter Psycho Chick

Like "Read my lips: No New Taxes" and "Let's make America Great again", a definitive campaign slogan is necessary for any hopes of winning an electoral race. Now, what is the best slogan each candidate could possibly come up with?

Coleman: Whatchu talkin' bout, Congress?

Gallagher: Politics are a joke anyway, so laugh it up with Gallagher!

Flynt: Just imagine the victory party!

Schwarzenegger: Vote for me if you want to live.

Given the assumed campaign slogans, I'm inclined to go with Larry Flynt. But, I probably wouldn't get laid anyway (nothing has changed since my sole grudgie, darnit), so I'll go with Arnold. After all, him and fellow governor Jesse Ventura kicked ass together against the Predator, so with Arnold in power, together they'll be in a better position to keep the peace from whatever should come our way - aliens, terrorists, or even Dan Quayle.

- Dom (I wonder what porn-star candidate Mary Carey is up to right now ...)

Mr. Coleman will easily rout his fellow contestants, er, candidates, because his stance on the IMPORTANT issues in today's California suggests that he is an enlightened individual with real, clear-cut opinions on everything from tax reform to energy crises to capital punishment.

And he's so darn cute!

- Grudge-Pops(tm): Registered for the Purple Party

While I cannot help but see this whole thing as a deliberate attempt by the Republican party to undermine the entire political process our country treasured throughout its entire history... well, up until the 2000 election at any rate... a vote for Schwarzenegger IS a vote "foh dah childrun".


You know what?

Screw the little bastards. Unlike a certain staggeringly incompetent politician I could mention, Davis did win the popular vote and they should be stuck with him until the next election.

- Ubiq- This recall thing... does it work for ANY politician?

Gary Coleman
Born in Zion, Illinois, USA

Born in Fort Bragg, North Carolina, USA

Larry Flynt
Born in Salyersville, Kentucky, USA

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Born in Thal, Styria, Austria

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Three of these people, should they win, have the horrifying ability to enter upcoming presidential races, since they were born in America. And since Bush's antics have become little more than wide-scale political slapstick, I daresay they actually have a shot. No, I say, no! Arnold, however, is what you folks call a "furr'ner". He could never run for President, so the best thing to do is stick him in that mansion. Sure, he'll mispronounce legislators' names and show Collateral Damage at state functions, but it's small potatoes compared to the horrifying possibility of President Gallagher.

I call this God's way of getting back at you for the USA winning TOC VII.

- Oxymoron - You know, BIGMRG, since I nailed you for dissing Mr. Silverback's taglines, you've become a tagline user yourself. So I'll just let you drown in the irony, "Big Booty Daddy". *snort*

It all comes down to movies. While Arnold had better movies, it comes down to The People Vs. Larry Flint The movie wasn't great but it had one factor that will boost Flint above the rest. THE RAGIN' CAJUN FACTOR(TM) That's right, Mr. James Carville was in that flick. I mean come on! He's already helped a sex-crazed candidate win against a popular Republican. With help from his friend Paul Begala, he'll invent a slogan along the lines of "It's the Terminator, stupid." Think about it. Both Bill Clinton and Larry Flint are from the south. Both have been attacked by various Christian groups. The only real difference between Bill and Larry is that Bill had a stiff. (Get yer mind out of the gutter!)

- The Amazing Fat Man

You guys took away the wrong competitors. We still have a strong man, a clown, and a midget. It's still a circus, guys.

Although, how does Porn-man fit into this? Maybe he's the ring leader.

- Vykk Draygo

I voted for Gallagher, but you left one out. Where's Guido Sarducci? You put him in the scenario, but left him out of the race! Bastages. I vote for Guido! Who's with me?

- The Brain Gremlin

{Sorry, but he got scratched from the real election for too few petition signatures. So yes, California has some standards. - Eds.}

I predict that this entire Grudge Match™ election will be thrown out by the California Supreme Court. No, not another recount fiasco, fortunately. It's simply because the election was conducted in an illegal format!

As everyone knows, the California Recall (trademark pending) is actually two votes -- first, a yes/no vote to recall Gray Davis, and THEN a vote for his replacement. Besides, Davis already lost his court motion to be included among the list of replacement candidates, anyway.

Therefore, the end result will be that Davis gets to stay in office while everyone around him runs around frantically trying to organize a second recall vote. Ahnold, the only one of the bunch who actually has the ability to take action, wipes out the remaining four candidates, the Lieutenant Governor, and then takes over.

So... the end result is the same (come on, who doesn't think Schwarzenegger's gonna win?) -- but with a whole lot more action that ultimately results in that wonderful "Everyone Mangled and Killed" option!

- Dan Carlson (Bear, DE)

Against my better judgment, I voted for Larry Flynt. Here is a man who has single-handedly saved the world from homicidal maniacs like Gary Coleman (He's crazy! Trust me!) by quelling them with pornography. Even Arnold can't say he did this much for the world. All he ever managed was a 1000+ body count, which helps no one. As an added advantage, Flynt will be able to bribe the competitors with all the hookers and strippers they could ever want. Screw California, they'll have all the chicks they want for the rest of their lives! Who could ask for more?

- Floormatt

As a person who was born in California (And had parents with enough sense to move to the other coast in 1990) I have to say Arnold's got this one easy, both in the Grudge Match and in the even crazier REAL election. First lets look at the cannon fodder...err...opposition.

First Gary Coleman. One of the chief concerns in California is the budget. There's no way they can afford to lower every table and chair in Sacramento to accommodate Gary, who if nothing else has gotten even smaller since his career went down the toilet.

Next Larry Flynt. Seeing as these people have to "run" a campaign, He's out from the get go as he can't run anywhere, period. (poking fun at the handicapped, good stuff).

Next Gallagher. Errr...who? nuff said.

Now Ahnold. Could you ask for a better governor? He's got an easy fix for nearly any issue California could throw at him. California has a major problem with illegal aliens. Ahnold has taken care of plenty of aliens, two terminators, and a predator to boot. Hasta La Vista... Mexicans. Next, the energy crisis. Well, as Terminator 3 showed us Awnold runs on two really high tech energizer batteries, each a small fusion generator. We also know that he can run quite well on just one. This means he can lend California one of them. Crisis... terminated. Terrorism... once they see a high tech assassinating machine sitting in the chair, they won't be back. To California at least. Plus California is basically a socialist nation any way so they probably don't even worry about it to begin with. Budget? Well, seeing as I can't think of quote for this one, he's surrounded himself with millionaires (including number two in the world) and seeing as he has a nice total of green stuff himself, they can probably bail the country out of their own pocket and still have enough to buy a small European country with a weak economy. Like France. People say he has no experience with running a state. Please. These ignorant fools obviously haven't done their homework or they would know that Awnold has been Mr. Universe before. This means that he was effectively in charge of the whole universe, so come on, a puny little state can't be too hard.

Now for one last comparison. Survivability. You have to be a survivor to get through a campaign like this which will be dirtier than Flynt's reserved condo in Hell.

Gallagher. Errrr...who? Nuff said

Gary Coleman, someone tell me, what exactly has he done since that horrible little "sitcom" was canceled a couple decades ago, starred in a video game that sells for $20? How's that for a NOT SURVIVING career. He can't even get into a 10-10-220 or 1-800 Collect commercial like all the other washed up has beens.

Flynt, didn't survive getting shot too well did he? Sure he's alive but he hasn't been able to get any since he was shot. And he's a frigin porn king. He might as well have died as he's been dead where it counts ever since. When gets to Hell he's going to see Hugh Hefner sitting on the right hand of Satan laughing at him.

As for Ahnold, defeated a machines that made his design obsolete in comparison. Twice. Defeated a bloodthirsty predator, not to mention countless drug dealers, terrorists, and other generally bad people. Now, as for his career, he's survived things that would have easily killed lesser actors. Batman and Robin, Clooney still hasn't completely recovered, yet Ahnold doing quite fine. Plus, bomb or not he still made a whole lot of money off it. Twins. *Shudder* All of those movies mean nothing anyway. The man spent a decade between each Terminator, and yet each film was better than the last. That kind of thing has Lucas scratching his head asking how the F*** did he do that. Plus with the last movie his badass image was taking to a height unmatched by ANYBODY. Finally, he's got a pretty damn good record on Grudge Match as well. So like I said, Arnold in a landslide.

- JonJ

First, can we eliminate Gallagher right off the bat? I mean, doesn't anyone else find he's a bit too reminiscent to Carrot Top? We just got rid of the latter (in California, no less), shouldn't we also do the world a favor and knock off the former?

But for the others, it all depends on special interest dollars, as was pointed out in the last political Grudge Match. Who will get them of the remaining three?

Well, the porn industry is one of the most profitable out there, but given that Flynt is a competitor, not an ally, the smut peddlers of California will be supporting other candidates, to prevent Larry from granting himself a porn monopoly.

So it comes down to two Grudge Champions, Arnold and (I'd link up but everyone else is linking to it, so go follow from someone else's commentary) Coleman. Arnie is clearly aligning himself with the movie industry, while (proved by his constant presence at E3) Coleman is getting the video game industry's support.

Two things thus swing this to Coleman. First, he is universally loved in his industry, while Schwarzenegger is not. Plus, as noted in this article partway through, the video game industry is more profitable than the movie industry, and thus can afford to throw more money at the race.

Besides, it gives a chance to have a campaign finance scandal involving an Asian country, and that's always good for entertainment.

- 32_Footsteps - who wishes the Laker Girls would follow him at E3

Now... wait... is voting for Gray Davis(tm) equal to an "All Mangled and Killed(tm)" button? And if so, does Carrot Top(tm) become Govenator(tm)? Or does California break off and sink into the sea? In any case, us Floridians(tm) no longer possess the most pitiful electoral system in the nation.

- His Emininence, The Most Revrend Robert J. Hoplite III, Archbishop of The Grudge(tm), Church of Trivium(tm) (Did I mention? SNL has New York On Its Side. So Those Who Disagree Are Also Traitors.)

The only question: Which will have higher ratings, Crossfire, or Entertainment Tonight?

- B-Man

What is best in politics?

"To represent the make a difference..."


Conan! What is best in politics?

"Crush the lobbyists,
See the special interest groups driven before you,
and to hear the lamentations of the voters."


Any man that can lop off James Earl Jones' head with one sword stroke and roll it down the stairs of a temple like a Slinky gets my vote.

- Budo's cousin's sister's brother's uncle

Arnold survived Sinbad. Give the man the bloody win.

- Spasm - You know you want to

Guns, porn, fruit, and short people. This sounds like a Warren Zevon song run amok.

- CyBlack

What better way to settle a California Election than with hand-to- hand combat? (They're all so messed up down there they'll think it's a just an aggressive debate.) First of all, Flynt will be so aggravated by all the stimulation of the match his diseases overwhelm him on the spot.

1 down.

Meanwhile, Ahnold will start flexing his muscles to the delight of the crowd. Thinking him distracted, Gallagher and Coleman face off with a sledge-hammer and brass knuckles respectively.
"Time to open up a little Kung-Fu on you! HEE-YAH!" Coleman leaps at Gallagher. The comedian parries with his hammer, sending Coleman flying into the stands. Luckily, because of his compact bone structure, Coleman is merely dazed. Gallagher, thinking his pint- sized foe is down for the count, begins to stalk his last opponent.

Ahnold, noticing the audience is paying more attention to Gallagher now, turns around to face him.
"You sink you can beat Ahnold? I will crush you sissy-man head like a grapefruit." He charges. Gallagher tries the same tactics with Ahnold as he did with Coleman. Ahnold is but knocked to the ground, the wind knocked out of him. Gallagher holds his hammer up in triumph. "I am the governer!!" He hears a voice behind him.
"What chu talkin' 'bout Gallagher? I'm still here." Gallagher wheels around to see nothing behind him. He turns around again. The Audience howls with laughter as they watch Gallagher try to find Coleman, who is hanging off the comedian's back. Coleman sticks his arms around Gallagher and plants them in his stomach.
"Koochee-Koochee-Koo!" He tickles Gallagher. Gallagher giggles as he attempts to stop Coleman's assault. He forgets that he has let go of his sledge hammer to get Gary off him. Gravity comes into play and the hammer beans its wielder, landing him in the hospital and out of the contest

2 down.

Ahnold gets back up, his wind regained. He sizes up Coleman. "You wussy girly black mahn. You will not crush Ahnold, Ahnold will clush you. For I am pumped up and you ar-" Ahnold(Sorry I keep typing it like this, it's a reflex) is interrupted. Gary Coleman lands a Kung-Fu kick right on Ahnold's chest. Ahnold freezes. His shirt explodes, revealing complex wiring and mechanisms underneath. He falls to the ground, twitching.
"I am Ahnold, I am Ahnold, I am Ah..." He shuts down. Thus Gary Coleman becomes Governer of California and proves Arnold really is the Terminator.

- Matev Kenas, Grudgie Addict

WHAT! I can't vote for Mary Carey? You guys suck more than she does!

- Guy

Larry Flynt's already been in a grudge match, and he didn't have what it took to win, so he'll do no better here.

All I know about Gallagher is that he was mentioned on The Simpsons, as the celebrity on the maiden voyage of Lyle Lanley's poorly built monorail in North Haverbrook. And the guy who mentioned this was talking about how Lanley cut corners everywhere. You've been labelled as bad by the ultimate force of The Simpsons, Gallagher! Hang your head in shame!

So that leaves Arnie and Gary. The Simpsons factor doesn't really matter here - Gary may have been on while Arnold hasn't, but the 'original character' Rainier Wolfcastle/McBain is clearly based on him! So let's look at other things. Gary has been on Grudge Match and won, but Arnold has been on Grudge Match and won twice! After the intense workouts he's been doing for Terminator 3, he's in good shape, while Gary Coleman is not exactly known for his physique. Plus he accomplished what very few men could bring themselves to do - beat up Kristanna Loken, and keep his mind on doing so! Arnold is just too good for Gary - he vill vin!

- Richard

Wait, the law passed in 1972 under Reagan, and wasn't noticed until 2003?

The things bureaucracy does...

In that case, I wonder how long it'll take to file my Social Security?

- The Colonel

All I know is I just hope Arnold doesn't win, because I'm sick and tired of him pronouncing the damn state as a five-syllable word, rather than the four-syllable word the rest of us speak.

Hey Arnold! We're Americans! Pronounce it CAL-EH-FORN-YA like the rest of us! Knock it off with all this CAL-EE-FORN-EE-AH crap!


Larry Flynt will take this one easily.

Consider this: California is a heavily Democratic state -- you'd have to be, to put up with all the loonies we got here. Since the whole recall mess is a blatant attempt by the GOP to hijack a gubernatorial election they lost last year, the pissed-off populace will vote for any candidate who can stick it to the Republicans.

Larry Flynt is the only candidate who can deliver on this in spades. During the whole Clinton/Lewinsky/Whitewater mess, for example, he was the one offering a $1 million bounty to anyone who had proof of an "illicit sexual relation" with a Washington officeholder -- and flushed out Bob Livingston's affair as a result. Couple this with his porno business, and Flynt becomes the obvious winner in this mess.

And let's face it, even without this stunt, Flynt's got a majority of the vote already. More than 75% of all Americans watch porn, and California is already the world's capitol in porno movie production. Add the two together, and Flynt will make Schwarzenegger's numbers look like Gallagher's. Hell, 30% of the voters will probably vote for Flynt just for the titilation factor alone.

So it's Flynt in a landslide for me, kids. Minnesota's already got the lead in gubernatorial weirdness by electing Jesse Ventura; the only real way for California to rebuild its political comedy reserves is with Governor Flynt.

- --R.J.

But what if California was suddenly taken over by Mexico??????

Didn't think of that one did ya!!!!!!

- Pancake Man

{It's in Bustamante's platform. Isn't that good enough? - Eds.}


Larry Flynt (lost to Stephen Hawking, who would be the ULTIMATE savior of the California education system if HE were elected.)

Gallagher (Paul placed The Three Stooges into the same category as Gallagher, and THEY lost the match to the Marx Brothers.)

Gray Davis (let's face it; after letting the energy industry get away with its "energy crisis" facade to jack prices, no one's letting him back in.)

This leaves Gary and Schwarzenegger in the political arena. The ancient Grudge legends face off against each other as the final choices in the election. One holds the position of first name ever to grace the halls of Grudge, won through a bloody street fight against child star Webster, while the other claims a 3-0 record against such warriors as Xena, The Predator, and The Headless Horseman. In the traditional fashion, they enter into the Grudge Match Steel Cage of Debate(TM) to "demonstrate their political differences."

Now, despite Gary's size, we've demonstrated in the past that old people (Arnold's pushing 60) have NO CHANCE against midgets. Because neither fits into the category of either EXACTLY, the fight is long and bloody. However...

Just after The Daily Show on Comedy Central, Gary Coleman walks onto the TV screen. The base of his fingers glints like blood- stained metal.

"Hi, I'm Governor Gary Coleman. Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Davis?"

- The Mad Josher

If Larry Flynt wins, does the transitive property of Grudginess grant Stephen Hawking the governorship? I'd like to see that.

So to balance the budget we take the integral of moneyflow along all possible paths....

- Atomic Legionaire of Doom #271828

Let's face it guys, in California anyone can become governor even me! And I'm a genetically enhanced Half Human/Half Lizard! In my opinion none of these losers are really in it for the good of the state. Look at Arnold's entire campaign!

"I plan to give back California it's future!"

Hey, cool! But what if someone sends a robot back in time to stop said future, could be a dude, hot chick or a metallic piece of metal gone nuts! "Our children need to learn that violence isn't the way."

Really, Arnold Schwarzenegger for Governor, cutting down violence with a super high powered laser action guided rocket launcher/machine gun, for the children!

Gary Coleman just joined so he could be the first Little Black Person to get a position of office! Who cares, he still has no political agenda and he's hardly even campaigning!

And the other two can go suck a lemon! In my opinion the Recall election is a big joke! Even the back talk from other candidates is a joke! Arnold had relatives who were Nazis, he had an affair with a couple of prostitutes! He's an Austrian! Of course he has Nazi ancestors! Every German has them! Except Jewish Germans, the whole concentration camp thing you know. He's also an actor of course he will occasionally sleep with someone! If they ever got into the chair the entire world will start to think that if a guy like them can win then an average everyday Joe could definitely take his place, would you like Dubya to be replaced by the guy who hands out tickets at the theatre? He's not that bad a president! I hope they all lose! No seriously all of them! Even the ones that do have political know how! Because they are all mindless idiots with nothing to offer but a new movie franchise!

- Lizard-Man: The Gill-Man almost got laid! Why not me?

If Arnie can survive being in a Paul Verhoeven movie, then he can do anything.

- T-Man

This match is all about politics, defined as where the candidates stand on the issues, what they will do if elected (or not), etc.....


  • Asking for your vote: COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE
  • If he wins: HASTA LA VISTA....BABY
  • If he loses: I'LL BE BACK
  • If they demand a manual recount: KNOCK KNOCK....Ka-




  • Asking for your vote: Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?
  • If he wins: Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?
  • If he loses: Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?
  • If they demand a manual recount: Whatchu talkin' 'bout,


  • Political agenda: Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?


  • Asking for your vote: Vote for me! I always knew California was the land of fruits and nuts. Ergo.... I'm a natural for this job!
  • If he wins: Well, what can I say.... I always knew California was the land of fruits and nuts. Look who they voted for!!!!
  • If he loses: Well, what can I say....I always knew California was the land of fruits and nuts. Look who they voted for!!!!
  • If they demand a manual recount: Why certainly. I'm all for honesty, integrity, and ensuring that every Californian's vote counts. In fact, here........lemme help get those ballot boxes open for you.... WHAM.... Yes indeedy, as your newly..... WHAM..... elected.... WHAM.... governor.... WHAM.... I pledge to stamp out corruption.... WHAM.... wherever it exists.... WHAM....
  • Political agenda: Agenda? What agenda? I've already achieved MY agenda.... see above. I told you I'd prove to the world once and for all: California IS the land of fruits and nuts -- look who they voted for!!!!!

  • Asking for your vote: Vote for me and my "running mate".... I'm all for the First Amendment.
  • If he wins: For my acceptance speech, my "running mate" has graciously agreed to express my appreciation.....
  • If he loses: Well, I guess I'd better "work on my concession speech".....
  • If they demand a manual recount: Fine, whatever. Count all the votes, then post the "results" here....
  • Political agenda: Agenda? ummm....did I mention I also support the Fifth Amendment? Which, by the way, I'll be taking now....
I vote for the return of the aliens from Independence Day....

- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie

Let's face it, if your going by sheer popularity, then Arnold would win. However, if you looking at not only political experience, but also political interests, then Gray Davis would win. Why you ask? Simply put, remember "The Running Man", a film in which Arnold says "I'm not interested in Politics. I'm interested in survival"?

As for the other guys, they don't stand a chance. Sure, Gary Coleman is a GrudgeMatch (TM) champion, but lets face it, he's a walking joke. Larry Flynt? Please, this guy is only doing this as a joke, and to see how many people he can piss off. Sorry Larry, but the 80's are over, as is your ability to shock people. As for Gallagher, well, don't get me started.

So, either way you look at it, whoever you winner is, you're screwed.

- the-man-who-knows-all

All I know about California is that everyone who lives there is stoned. At least, that's what TV tells me. TV also tells me that Gary Coleman was on Scooby Doo, which is what you watch when you're stoned. At least, that's what I watch. Since TV never lies, and nobody else matters, Gary Coleman wins in a landslide.

- Safety Swami Pippin

Hmmm... Tough call. Thinking quickly, I head to the archives. In the Mr. T vs. Mr. Clean fight, you provided a link to a list of Mr. T vs. 301 characters. In his second fight with Garth Brooks, he uses a posse to help beat Garth to a bloody pulp(tm). In Garth's posse, we have Kathy Lee Gifford, Billy Blanks, and surprise, Governor Gray Davis. In T's posse, we have Tony Danza, Larry Bud Melman, and... Gary Coleman. Gray Davis breaks an armpit bone, and Garth is defeated. Now wake up, Paul, because I am reaching the point. With Mr. T on his side, how can he possibly lose?

P.S.( He also helped beat down Mankind with Hulk Hogan, another little- known candidate.)

- Wendell

My home boy Gary's got it locked down! He's got the Drummond money! That man had some sick Benjamins! Gary will be able to buy madd screen time for his political ads! He's a man of the poor and downtrodden people; he started with nuthin' but his jeans, and now he's got East Coast and West Coast street cred! He's goin' straight to the governor's chair, yo, and then he'll light himself a big cigar and buy himself a pinky ring the size of Webster's head! Bling-bling!

- Mistah Silverback, Urban Flava- Don't let the Iron Fist TM keep a player down, yo.

Let me get this straight: if I vote for Gray Davis, this time Carrot Top won't win, right?

- Thrillhouse

I don't know about the rest of the voters, but I could easily fill a small town with close friends and relatives willing to pay 20 bucks to see all of these contestants (Davis included) mauled by hungry tigers.

- Fish of Death (This beats feeding Christians to the lions any day)

Hmmm, stature isn't everything, gotta go with the Colester, assuming he's not proportionally arranged anatomically. Not to get all Freudian or anything, but it all comes down to male organ size.

Let's "size" up the competition shall we.

Ahnold Schwartzkopfaneggor - years of steroid abuse and his recent admission to Oui magazine that he was a participant in some perverted sex circles will reveal nothing but shrunken testicles and a Vienna sausage -- a taste of home Ahnold?-- Remember what happened when the photos of Sylvester Stallone's pornography venture made the light of day and people saw what he was packing? Sly can't even run for city council because of it. How did you think Ahnold talked a hotty like Maria Shriver into marrying him? Because he can't have sex of course!

Gallagher - all that watermelon squashing reveals his inner contempt for his own testicles. You can't tell me that if Gallagher had elephantitis of the nuts he would place those puppies on the wacking board and just pound away at them. The truth is, Gallagher wants to be a radical feminist. He's a lesbian trapped in a man's body and I have more pity for him than confidence as a public official. Savvy Californian's will easily decipher his internal struggle.

Larry Flynt - as useless and outdated as his magazines, although he may have strong support from the "ugly whore" demographic which seem to frequent Hustler pages. True, he is a manipulator of the Constitution, but when has that stopped California before? The only chance Flynt has is to put Phil Spectre on the ticket so he can go on a drug binge and shoot political opponents and non-supporters. Don't worry, it's "Shoot 'em in the Head" Phil Spectre, he can do whatever he wants. Besides that, Flynt's flaccidity is well known and no one wants a politician who can't get it up, look what happened to Bob Dole.

So that leaves the Colester - young looking (not young), a minority who has seen the ugliness of poverty from his pre-Different Strokes days and can certainly relate to the impoverished multitudes, and a child actor who forcibly became business savvy because his parents were ripping him off.

You know what they say about the vertically challenged - growth has got to occur somewhere......

- Todd the Fish Guy

Any studious student of politics will see that the way to win elections has nothing to do with sex appeal, masculine virility, fighting ability, coolness, or any other attribute which normally helps win Grudge Matches. No, the guy who wins votes (as opposed to winning elections, which is sometimes another matter) is the guy who is best at telling the voters exactly what they want to hear.

If candidate A says "We need to prepare for serious reductions in our use of fossil fuels over the next ten years", and candidate B says "America is great because it's the country where everyone can drive as big a car as they can imagine, and we must never dilute the freedom of choice to waste tons of gas", then candidate A will lose big, even though he's right. If candidate A says "America has committed many unfortunate and regrettable acts of foreign policy, and in the future we must be more ethical", and candidate B says "I will never apologize for the USA, because it is the beacon of hope for everyone everywhere", same story. The one who declares the facts that people wish were true will win.

With this in mind, let us examine the basic messages that each of the four remaining candidates are sending to the voters.

Gray Davis: "What California needs is someone who is completely a politician. The more of a politician the governor is, the better." Yeah, right. No chance here.

Larry Flynt: "Pussy is good. You like pussy. You like to look at it and taste it. So someone who helps bring pussy into your life is someone you should support." This is true, but people do not want to say it's true. Scratch Flynt.

Mary Carey (a candidate you forgot, but who is qualified as an entertainer): the same, only for fake breasts. Scratch Carey.

Gary Coleman: "Any ordinary person can think of good simple answers to complicated problems. And by the way, I should be taken seriously." The second part ruins it.

Gallagher: "Watching someone splat a watermelon with a mallet is fun." Now we're getting somewhere.

Arnold: "I'm a winner. I'm stronger and handsomer than you. I just naturally look like a hero. I'm a real man, the other candidates are girlies. The ladies tell me, 'oooh, it's so big.' Even my opponents, whether at bodybuilding or at politics, want me to win. It's my destiny to defeat Gray Davis and become governor, because he's not a winner and I am. It's inevitable that a man like me is going to be popular. You just can't help but admire me."

Having observed my fellow citizens for many years, it's clear that this message is the one they want to hear. Ahnuld will win, with a crushing 31% plurality of the vote, whereas Davis, with a feeble 46% voting to keep him, is booted out.

- Mr. Glag the native-born Californian thanking his stars that he signed up for an absentee ballot

Gray Davis? All this time I've been calling him Gary Davis! Damn, I've been making an idiot of myself!

Well, at least I'm not actually Gray Davis. Losing your political power to a movie star has got to add insult to injury.

- Pornoclaus

I vote for Gallagher because he is sad. His profile is so low, he is so pathetic that he can't even make it as a punchline anymore. Candlebox is currently more relevant than him. Gary Coleman, sure, he's still enough in the public eye to joke about, but Gallagher? When his name is even mentioned people furrow their brows in an effort to remember if he was the guy in front of that brick wall and then usually give the look that usually accompanies witnessing a public disembowelment or stepping on an old, streetworn banana or, ironically, a Gallagher routine, when they remember that, lo, he was the "dude with the hammer". Look at the man's face on your own site for proof; behind that jovial, mustachioed grin lies a tortured soul, one on his last chance before he heads to the bridge, ties a boulder to his leg, and shoots himself. So prevent a suicide: vote Gallagher.

- Barnabus Collins


You know, voting for zany, brainless matchups is a lot more fun when no one is stupid enough to try to put them on in real life.

- Glad I Ain't Californian

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

H. Ross Perot v. C. Montgomery Burns
Ted Kennedy v. Boris Yeltsin
Ken Starr v. Bill Clinton (on Judge Judy)

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ETA: Monday, September 8th, 2003

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