World Wide Web Fights Presents
What is Grudge Match?
What is Grudge Match?

The Scenario

In a secret underground lair, deep under the Staples Center:

An important looking man speaks somberly to a diverse group of people, aliens, robots, animals and weirdoes.

"The 48 hours after Wrestlemanya VI have been ominous. With the main event competitors both mangled and killed and the exits blocked with empty beer bottles, Carrot Top had a captive audience. Several hours of uninterrupted shtick later, the people in the audience were willing to give him anything, and I mean anything, to make him stop."

"Carrot Top now has access to almost unlimited resources, which appears to have warped his already wacky mind. Because he thinks it is funny, he has become an eccentric super-villain, scheming to destroy the world as he shuttles between his two evil lairs, one on the moon and the other in Burbank. I shudder to think what will happen if he is not stopped in time." The man frowns. "The prop comics are always the most dangerous."

"And so the reason you have been called here. As a representative of the people of the Earth, I ask you to find Carrot Top... and eliminate him. Preferably messily. Any questions."

There is a moment of awkward silence.

James Bond interrupts it. "I have a full plate of world-threatening super-villains at the moment. Can I pencil you in for 2007?" Several of the heroes offer similar excuses.

Miss Piggy speaks up. "Wouldn't eliminating Carrot Top actually mean touching him? Moi is far too glamorous to touch such a foul thing." There is mass agreement on this point.

"And pardon me, but didn't you know the Spaceballs are evil too?" adds Dark Helmet.

The important man grins. "I figured that there would be some resistance to this proposal. Let's see if this persuades you." The man pulls out a notebook and flips some pages.

"Before I begin, I would like to mention that there is a very large reward for whoever can eliminate the target."

"OK, I'm in," replies Han Solo. "I hope the hyperdrive is working," he says to himself as he leaves.

"Now, let me detail what we know of the fiendish plan." The man begins reading. "First, he has stolen the world's supply of carrots so he can use them in a giant prop gag involving his name."

Bugs Bunny's ears shoot straight up. "ALL THE CARROTS?! Why that no good bum. I'll murderize him. Babies, daddy's comin'!" The rabbit quickly starts tunneling in pursuit.

"Second, he is performing a hostile takeover of the Muppet Show so he can use the cast as hand props."

"Gulp, I guess we better get him before he gets us," says Kermit the Frog. "Piggy, I'll get Gonzo, Animal and the rest of the gang and meet you at the Starship Swinetrek." Muppets start running everywhere chaotically, eventually finding their way out the door.

"Third, he has started a project to create mutant hammer throwing turtles and giant plumber eating plants."

Mario frowns. "I musta stop 'im. I gotta finda Luigi and my magic mushrooms and get to thata secret warp level." He dives into a toilet and quickly is in the sewers.

"Fourth, he has cast himself as the star of Spaceballs 2."

Dark Helmet and Colonel Sandurz grimace, but President Skroob is actually smiling. "Finally, a job! I'd never thought it would come," he exclaims. The man frowns, disappointed with the effect.

"Fifth, he has kidnapped every beautiful woman with a slutty name in the world."

Agent 007 heads for the exit. "It appears my schedule has cleared up suddenly. I'm sure Q has the special equipment ready for this eventuality. And I can supplement it with a trip to the pharmacy."

President Skroob also responds. "You mean he has my Playboy playmates supply? That double-crosser. Helmet, kill him slowly. Sandurz, kill him quickly. Then leave him to me." They depart.

"And finally, he has discovered the mythic island of the Elfs and is airdropping millions of VHS tapes of Chairman of the Board so they are no longer 'deprived' of his greatest work."

"Say no more. He must be one of the Black Riders. I wonder where I can find some Hobbits?" grumbles Gandalf as he marches off, eyes blazing.

The important man puts away his notes when he notices that someone still remains.

"While I like humans, I don't like them that much," slurs Bender. "Now, if you don't mind, I'm going upstairs and help myself to some of the leftover free beer."

"Didn't I mention that the first thing he did was replace the world's beer with Tab? A lite beer gag of some sort."

"Damn him. It's human killing time. Now I just have to convince Fry to help." He rushes off.

The important man, noting that the room is now empty, sits down in his high leather chair and leans back. "I love it when a plan comes together," he mutters arrogantly to himself. He then presses a red button on his armrest console. Walls open, revealing a number of huge viewscreens and tens of thousands of seats filled with rowdy WWWF fans.

"The Tournament of Champions VIII has begun! Sit back and enjoy the carnage!"

So which of these contestants crushes, crumples, creams, clubs, cremates and kills Carrot Top?

Han Solo, Sean Connery's James Bond, Bender, Mario, Gandalf, Spaceballs, The Muppet Show, Bugs Bunny

Han Solo
Sean Connery's James Bond
The Muppet Show
Bugs Bunny

The Commentary

Following our Tournament of Champions tradition, we will hold off on any 8-way commentary
to allow you, the viewer, more leeway in your voting and reponses.

The Results

TOC VIII Champ: Gandalf the Grey, Lord of the Rings

Gandalf the Grey, Lord of the Rings

Gandalf (900 - 19.8%)

out hunts

Han Solo, Star Wars

Han Solo (857 - 18.9%)

Sean Connery's James Bond

Sean Connery's James Bond (682 - 15.0%)

Bender, Futurama

Bender (634 - 13.9%)

Bugs Bunny

Bugs Bunny (553 - 12.2%)

Mario, Nintendo

Mario (386 - 8.5%)

The Muppet Show

The Muppet Show (342 - 7.5%)


Spaceballs (192 - 4.2%)

Once again, throwing out the vote stacking made a difference.
Even though Han Solo lead on the voting page, the lead was due to cheating.
Once the tainted votes were thrown out, Gandalf came away the winner.

To view the TOC VIII Nomination vote totals, click here

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Voter Comments


In the Arena, Carrot Top starts his schtick, beginning with 1-800-CALL-ATT ads. Grudge Fans in the audience groan with the sudden realization that he's not just working to make the world a stupider place, he's going ALL OUT. The rubber-chicken-wielding Readhead is implementing his plan to vaporize the gray matter of every living thing on the planet, reducing everyone to Roseanne-watching Survivor addicts, whose next action is always governed by the ads surrounding The Bachelor.

Of course, taking cue from The Art of War, he's already won half the battle, having enslaved the majority of TV-watchers to his bidding. The only thing that stands between the human race and an eternity of Spongebob-dictated servitude is the final nucleus of rational heros, who move to attack the insipid idiot. Mario was the first to fall.

M: Eesa mee! Mario!
CT: Are we going to PLUNGE into battle? Perhaps you should PIPE down. After all, there isn't MUSH ROOM to fight here, and I can COIN puns faster than you can FLAG them down.
His smoldering remains collapsed to the floor instantly, having not the mental capacity to brush his teeth with. Then, Carrot Top turned his attentions to Solo, who was lowering his blaster at the mass of red hair.
H: I'll bet if I brought your head back to Jabba, it'd bail me out of trouble...
CT: Having you here was a BLAST! ER, it's too bad your DEATH STARted and ended SOLO, without a friend to lend you a HANd! I did it all for the Wookie!
Solo gibbered and keeled over, foaming at the mouth. Carrot Top cast a sidelong glance over his shoulder at Bond, who had lowered himself on a cable behind the cruel comedian and was getting ready to harpoon him. Somewhat immune to terrible puns, Bond had a chance, but wasn't quick enough.
B: I thought perhaps I'd DROP in...
CT: Hey, why havn't you DROPPED ME A LINE lately? You just seem to HANG AROUND my place, but you never SWING BY! I think we should do some BONDing. You just take Main St. and HANG a left at the last light...
Bond had used the cable to strangle himself. 18 months of torture in Korea was nothing compared to the verbal onslaught of such a dim-witted demon. Taking a quick breath, Carrot Top smiled at Gandalf, who was sitting in a protective bubble of light, chanting incantation meant to dispel great evil. He might as well been casting a polymorph spell to turn himself into a cheesecake.
G: Hee yay yay ooh dorminay...Doramay ees requiem...
CT: What a GRAY situation you seem to have CAST yourself into! I couldn't SPELL out why you never had a chance in this RING, because I'd DRAG ON and on and on. But hey, don't let it become a HOBBIT to let your own hELFire DWARF your better judgement.
His pointy hat was all that remained of the good wizard. Bender and Bugs, working together, leaped out of their underground tunnel to take the nefarious needler by surprise. Bugs acted as a pun shield for Bender, who had attached machine guns to his arms in a desperate effort to silence the stupidity, but it was not to be.
CT: Wow, you both need to TOON in to reality. It really BUGS me that you're both so BENT out of shape, being DRAWN into this mess as you were. Well, things are about to get HARE-y, so you can both just RO, RO, RO your BOT out of here.
The crowd surrounding the arena gaped in fear as both assailants were thrown against the plexiglass cage by the force of the puns. So far, the arena was holding against the verbal assault, but its sound- proof layers were weakening. Even now, the celebrities in the front row had become slack-jawed and glassy-eyed, each mumbling something about American Idol. Hope seemed to be lost, as Carrot Top turned to gaze on his final two combattants. The Muppet Show and Spaceballs looked eerily calm. Suddenly, a pale blue light swirled around and encompassed both. The comedian looked startled, and tried to halt its progress with his usual efforts.
CT: Hey, this BLUE LIGHT looks SPECIAL...
But, for the first time, something was unphased by his punnage. The characters that made up both the Mel Brooks franchise and the classic TV series began to merge into a single entity, strangely resembling a maid with a vaccum cleaner. Carrot Top looked at the figure, confused by its appearance and purpose. Suddenly, the redhead reeled, as did most of the audience, as a wave of thought emenated from the new combattant. The image of a giant jar of jam smashing into a radar dish has washed over everything in the local area. Carrot Top retaliated.
CT: Well, it looks like I'm in quite a JAM now... AUUGH!
Another wave, this one stronger, had cut the evil one off. The thought had been a short clip of Kermit saying, "I would have been gone with the Schwinn!" Now they began to roll in quick succession, each becoming a stronger thought than the next. "Your Shwartz is as big as mine." "Don't cry for me, Bengimina." "Snotty, beam him down." "He's not a bear! He's a-wearin' a neck a-tie!" One after the other, they slammed into the brain of Carrot Top, until he screamed out in pain, and begged for mercy.
Then, a figure coalesced out of the blue light. The luminescent being took the form of Kermit, dressed as a cowboy. The short, deadly creature sidled up to Carrot Top, grabbed him by his shock of hair, stared into his face with narrowed, googly eyes.
K: Piss on you. I'm working for Mel Brooks.
He was never heard from again.

- The Mad Josher

Silver Grudgie ROTW Silver Medal GrudgieTM

I'm not sure who will win (and my wordy analysis would blow out the response file) but the winner(s) will probably follow a plan similar to this:

How to Get Carrot Top:
1. Make the eyebrow connection. Carrot Top's eyebrows are so thin and feminine that Elizabeth Hurley probably asks him for tweezing tips. There is no doubt that the man is a drag queen on the side.

2. Go to Burbank. Plunk down a bunch of Benjamins and rent an entire club for the night.

3. Arrange a “Miss Ultimate Drag Queen Burbank” beauty pageant for that evening. Publicize heavily.

4. Watch the door carefully. He will come, don't worry; it's just too much to resist. Odds are he'll be dolled up to look like a disco-era version of Pippi Longstocking in six-inch stilletto heels.

5. Shoot to kill, emptying your magazine.

6. Reload.

7. Walk over and put a few more rounds in his noggin just to be sure.

8. Dial 1-800-CALL-ATT to call the L.A. County coroner collect. It's free for you and cheap for them.

- Mr. Silverback- With Uday, Qusay, Scrappy, Jar-Jar and Carrot Top mangled & killed, can Saddam, Osama and Gallagher be far behind?

Bronze Grudgie ROTW Bronze Medal GrudgieTM

Once Carrot Top is located on his moon fortress, addressing his minions by performing obscene rubber-chicken gags, all our heroes converge on him at once. It all happens so fast...

...Mario leaps into action, going with his old strategy of jumping on his foe's head, but is quickly devoured by the incredibly evil and vicious shock of hair - or whatever it really is - that Carrot Top sports...
...Gandalf hits him with his throwing-a-guy-across-the-room-with-my- staff move, but Carrot Top is so scrawny and insubstantial he merely floats across the stage like a leaf, leaving Gandalf at a loss since that was his entire repertoire of combat moves...
...Bugs sits in the audience and starts horse-laughing and slapping his knee at every third word that comes out of Carrot Top's mouth - it's not much, but it's the start of a long, elaborate scheme of making himself a nuisance until the guy goes nuts...
...Bond deploys his reliable strategy of being captured and left to his death at least once before the big showdown, and is soon dangling hog-tied from the rafters over a giant Venus' fly trap...
...Kermit tries to rally The Muppets into action, but Fozzie misunderstands what's going on ("Next up - the brutal butchering of Parrot Pop. Parrot Pop? Is that right?"), Gonzo goes into a blind panic, Miss Piggy can't be found because she's backstage trying to seduce special Muppet guest star George Hamilton, and soon Kermit is calling out ineffectually for sanity...
...Skroob orders Dark Helmet to 'Do something', Helmet orders Col. Sandurz to 'Do something', Sandurz orders some Spaceball troops to 'rub Carrot Top out', and in a typical Spaceballian translation of the order they wind up prodding Carrot Top uselessly with the eraser end of a comically oversized pencil...
...Bender, perceiving that other people are taking care of the business at hand, takes a seat near the back of the audience and just lies back, drinking gin and idly stealing everyone's wallet with his extendable arms...
...And then in comes Han. Han, being the sneaky, low-down, all's-fair-in-love-and-war kind of guy he is, figures his best bet at the reward is if he eliminates all his rivals first. So:

Having experience with feeding gadget-laden hired guns to enormous plants, he shoots out Bond's ropes and lets him fall to his doom. Knowing what to do with bearded, mystical, robe-wearing old men, he takes Gandalf out with a single swipe of a light sabre he got on the black market. Having dealt with some of the biggest, nastiest, ugliest, most intelligent puppets in the galaxy, he merely laughs at The Muppets then skins them all for their valuable hides (very easy, all it takes is a firm yank off the puppeteer's hand), and gets George Hamilton's skin too for the heck of it, knowing he can pass it off as leather. Recognising the Spaceballs troops as third-rate Storm Troopers, he simply blasts his way through them, at which point Skroob, Helmet and Sandurz start running around in a panic until their heads all collide and they collapse unconscious on the floor. This leaves Bugs, who has now driven Carrot Top to such a point of aggravation that he has locked Bugs in a trunk, which he has locked in another trunk, which he has chained up and covered in a ridiculous mound of dynamite, fireworks, barrels of gunpowder and bombs that look like cannonballs with fuses sticking out. As Carrot Top tries desperately to light a match, Bugs wanders up laconically behind him and is about to offer him a lighter, when Han grabs the comically oversized pencil the Spaceball Troops left behind, erases Bug's body below the neck, and draws it back in as... the Death Star. Han flees.

The Death Star is hit with a light breeze, so of course it explodes, setting off the gigantic pile of explosives next to Carrot Top. The building goes up in flames, Carrot Top and Bugs float skyward playing harps, and Han goes to claim his reward... only to find that Bender has already stolen it and spent most of it on robot hookers. The moral of the story: no matter what your personal experience with robots is, they're not ALL harmless, ineffectual dweebs. And stay away from Carrot Top's hair.

- Derelictman

The Muppets have got this one in the bag here ladies and gentleman. They have the most incentive here to win. If they fail, Carrot Top is going to use them as hand props. And I don't think I really gotta spell it out where the hand goes on a Muppet. A Muppet would rather die that to be violated by a creature so fowl as Carrot Top.

- BIGMRG74 I ain't done with you yet Oxymoron!!

For the past three weeks, I have lain awake in my bed long into the night, sleep denied me by the inner demons of regret. Yes, I voted for Scrappy-Doo, then saw what an effect the "Both Mangled & Killed" victory would have on the Grudgiverse. And I prayed that the Grudge fans would be smart, and take the high road, and choose either Scrappy or Jar Jar... yea, even Jar Jar! But it was not to be: human nature let us down. Again.

But, I must not... no, I can not... blame my fellow man for Carrot Top's rise to power. My hands are not so easily washed of guilt, but now I must accept responsibility, and clear my conscience, and accept whatever judgement awaits me.

I had the power to stop Carrot Top. For good. Years before he ever started shilling for AT&T. And I failed...

November 2nd, 1996. Elon College, North Carolina. Approximately 07:30 PM EST: It had been a fine evening already. Two friends came over to the apartment to watch the third-season finale of Babylon 5. Main entree for the evening was Red Baron pizza and A&W Root Beer. After the show, with three days before the '96 elections we headed over to a computer lab on campus to work on a hilarious anti-Clinton stunt. Later that night we planned to catch a young stand-up comic who was performing at our campus that evening... a comic by the name of Carrot Top.

Weird Ed, Gary and I entered the lab (actually the on-campus computer store that Ed and I worked at) and I tried finding the pic I'd seen a few days earlier of Hillary in S&M black leather, the one we were putting on our "Put Yourself In Bondage: Elect Clinton on Tuesday" fliers that would mysteriously appear overnight on Monday. We found the pic and knowing that Gary was a political-science major/basketcase, I tried to show him the Ross Perot vs. Montgomery Burns matchup that was going on at that time.

It wasn't Perot vs Burns that appeared on our screen at all.

We were mysteriously re-directed to and a fight between Scrappy-Doo and something called Jar Jar Binks ("What the hell?!" Gary exclaimed). We think that for one brief moment our campus network became the nexus of an Internet intelligence that took the sum of human data and extrapolated 7 years into the future. Thus we discovered that not only would there be a Scooby-Doo movie (gasp!) or what would happen to Star Wars (groan!) but that by 2003 Carrot Top would become the most diabolical force of evil on the planet (AAARRRGGGHHH!!)

Carrot Top was coming onstage in another hour and a half, so we had to think fast. We spent the better part of four minutes considering our options and realized that the only way to stop the evil from happening was to either kidnap Carrot Top and hold him hostage somewhere in Tibet until 2003 had passed, or to kill him. Since we didn't have enough money for a one-way plane ticket, we opted to snuff him out. Gary quickly used his NRA connections and secured us three sniper rifles, plus a crateload of hand grenades and a thermonuclear weapon wired to a "deadman's" switch for good measure. I'd already learned in history classes that triangulated gunfire was almost 100% certain to take a target out, so our chances were good. We got to the gymnasium and began taking our positions.

At 09:00 PM EST, Carrot Top appeared onstage and began showing everyone how to use a portable toilet. Then things went very, very wrong. At 09:17 I found that Gary had been escorted out just before the show for getting into a fight with the on-campus chapter of Feminists Against Tasty Animal Sport Shooters (FATASS). I thought I could rely on Ed, but he was ignoring Carrot Top altogether and looking into the eyes of beatiful vixen Peggy-Sue Loudermilk. So it was now all up to me. I peered through the scope and put the crosshairs right between Carrot Top's eyes. My finger tightened just so against the trigger. Any moment now, any moment...

And then, Carrot Top bunched up both sides of his wild red hair and did his impersonation of the Wendy's girl.

I froze. I gasped! For the longest time I couldn't see Carrot Top at all. I saw Wendy, daughter of Dave Thomas. "You don't want to make Dave cry, do you Chris?" a voice whispered in my heart. "Not after all those Frostys you like getting. Don't hurt Wendy, Chris."

I lowered the gun, left the perch and went home. And have spent every day since then watching Carrot Top's meteoric rise to power. And every one of those days, I curse myself for having been able to stop the madness before it started, but didn't.

Oh yeah, the matchup: Gandalf tells Carrot Top that the orcs in Mordor are fighting over long distance charges and there's a pay-phone conveniently located just outside Barad-Dur. The end.

- Chris 'Jedi' Knight

Let's look at some facts here, shall we?
  • Carrot Top was blasted by Jimmy Fallon and Horatio Sanz in an SNL skit last year.
  • Jimmy and Horatio were smacked down with the rest of their SNL buddies by the Monty Python gang.
  • We all know Monty Python's success against rabbits.
  • Years of expensive scientific research have concluded that Bugs Bunny is, in fact, a rabbit.
Sounds like a clear case of the Transitive Property of Ass-kicking (TM) to me. Besides, what do rabbits eat again? Oh... right.

- -wallslasher -- Call 1-800-CHOW-DOWN

What most of the fanboys who vote in this match will not realize a simple, conclusive fact. The fact that, yes, Bender is great. Bender, in his not-so-secret dream of being a folk singer, has proven that he will twist any song's lyrics (such as "Froggy Went A- Courtin'" and "Jimmy Crack Corn") to let people know that Bender is great. Most of the competitors have recognizable theme songs -- merely cannon fodder for Bender's treatment.

[to the tune of Spaceballs:] "If you're livin' in a bubble and you haven't got a care -- Well, you're gonna be in trouble 'cause Bender is so great!"
[to the tune of The Muppet Show:] "It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights, it's time to meet Bender because he is so gosh-darn great!"
[to the tune of Goldfinger:] "Goldfinger! He's the man, the man who knows that Bender's so great! He knows that he's greaaaaat!"
[to the tune of The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down:] "Oh, the merry-go-round broke down, 'cause Bender is so great! Bender's great! Bender's great! And ya know that he's so great!"
[to the tune of the original Super Mario Bros. overworld theme:] "Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-DAH! UNH! Ben-der, oh, you know he's great, Bender, oh man, is he so great, I know..."
[to the tune of the Star Wars theme:] "Ben-der! He is so great! Oh, yes he's so great! Oh, Bender is great!"

Now, you're probably thinking, but Gandalf doesn't have memorable theme music. I think you're forgetting the important issue here, pal - - that Bender is great. As everyone is confused into submission, their minds now polluted with the fact that their theme songs are so much better this way (and Gandalf confounded by Bender's greatness) it leaves Bender to trudge out and destroy Carrot Top.

But how? Bender shows off his dial-down- the-center superiority, leaving Carrot Top to whine about job security as Bender bends him into oblivion. But how does Bender know these dialing tricks? Because dialing, "like everything else, is merely an extension of bending."

- Charge Man - "Hands in the air" rhymes with "just don't care"

Wow! I was the tenth voter! I nevet get to the new match this quickly!

- Affy

(Um, sorry. You have yourself confused with the tenth caller. You don't get any Britney Spears tickets or anything. -Eds.)

I definitly say that Mario has the upper hand here. Ok, so half the other people shoot stuff at him. Ever play Super Smash Bros. Melee? All he has to do is whip out his cape and before you can say "Mama Mia" Gandalf, Han Solo, Space Balls, and Bond are all victims of their own spells, blasters, and/or bullets.

So now what? A bunny, some puppets, and a drunk robot? The first two are easily flammable, and Mario has the fireballs to do it. As for Bender, well...I'm sure the alcohol, oil, and gasoline running him won't do to well in fire either...

- Gamer

Awww, why can't they all take turns?

- Rainwoman

Bond, of course. Bond IS Mentos(tm)-level cool. Connery Bond is beyond even that. With no innuendo-filled girls for Bond to "innuendoize" with, he'll be all business. The rest of the contenders will find themselves floating home.

- 005, International Nerd of Mystery

Wow, TOC VIII right in time for my fiftieth match! Yes, I think it is only appropriate to take some time to reminisce. Maestro, the sappy music and clip package if you please.

An orchestral version of `Wind Beneath My Wings' plays while some highlights of the past forty-nine matches play out on a big screen: Marvin closing the escape pod door on C3PO, Diane Chambers getting voted off The Weakest Link, me winning the Silly Explicit Warning Grudgie(tm), Kevin Spacey being shoved into a horse-drawn carriage growling "I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for that meddling detective!", Scotty and the Professor swapping tales of the fools they have to put up with, and finally Mary Katherine Gallagher getting eaten by Spiny Norman.

Ahhh... good times, good times. Cheers guys, and here's to another fifty brilliant matches!

Oh, and I voted for Mario because my brother bought a Gamecube yesterday.

- Mixmaster Flibble

Policy science teaches us that, when multiple competitors seek the same prize, the most efficient competitor will prevail. To prove this, consistent bench-marks of performance are needed. Based on the track records of these players, Bugs is the one who does the dirty deed, and gets it done dirt-cheap . . . and it is due to his incredible efficiency in vanquishing adversaries! Let us consider the "competition" such that it is:

Han Solo has never actually defeated anything (he only winged Darth Vadar in the Original Star Wars, nee Episode IV), and, without Luke, he'll never pull it off in less than three episodes over seven years.
Gandalf suffers the same defect, and, indeed, unless the Jawas show up and convince him that they are Hobbits, he may never get started.
The SpaceBalls could knock this guy off in two hours, especially with the help of the Jews In SpaceTM, but I suspect that Skroob gets confused when he realizes that 1-800-CALL-ATT is the combination to his luggage. At best, their efficiency is two hours, and that's only if the Sheriff is a Nearer.
James Bond, and even the by-definition-superior Connery Bond, can only vanquish an opponent after the "Mr. Bond I will kill you, but first I must explain all of my plans for world domination and also reiterate to you exactly how I will kill you in a needlessly complex fashion" speech, which takes about an hour & forty minutes to get to in the plot.
Bender and the Muppets both operate in a very efficient 22 minutes, and the Muppets have the advantage of numbers. But, hell, Carrot-top is a Muppet, or at least can hide out and impersonate one until the danger is passed.
Mario has no efficiency, because here is no end to any Mario game. Period. I've been watching my eight-year-old son try to "finish" SuperMario Sunshine, and it is without end. Besides, there is no "cheat" to best a Boss like Carrot-top.
So that leads us with Bugs, who has vanquished Nazis, Commies, Mobsters, Monsters, Elmer, Yosemite Sam, Daffy, and Wile E. Coyote (a true Uber-VillainTM) in an average of six-and-a-half minutes.

Footnote: Carrot-top is from Fort Lauderdale (Broward County). You know, the same folks who screwed up the 2000 Presidential Election. I doubt that the same people who can't count votes are capable of setting one of their own up as the Embodiment of Evil Global DominationTM.

- Dr. Stones

This is Carrot Top we're talking about. CARROT TOP. The sooner he's dead, the better. I voted for whoever could kill that annoying dweeb before anyone else. First of all, the saying "He who travels fastest, travels alone" led me to disregard any contestants in a group or team setting. No Muppets, no Bender & Frye, no mage & many hobbits, and no Schwartz with us. Of course, once they reach their destination, they're all encouraged to pummel Carrot Top's dismembered corpse. You know, just to make sure he's certainly dead. The plumbers both move at the same speed, so I didn't discount this duo right away. Unfortunately, Mario and Luigi are doomed when they'd decide to look for 'Magic Mushrooms' in unfamiliar Southern California. Some hippie would sell them 'shrooms, and, well, it's hard to concentrate on tieing your shoes after having shrooms, let alone stop a supervillian. Hopefully, Nintendo will send Donkey Kong to bring them home before they do anything stupid, like trying to fly without super capes. Bond would be able to find the self-destruct buttons for both secret bases with little effort, and some help from his gadgets. However, I'm sure he'd first spend some "quality time" with the likes of beautiful hostages Ima Hootchie, VerTe Tasty, Lucy Lipps and Piza Hasse. The girls would keep him tied up for a while (or is that the other way around?). As for Han Solo, he pilots the fastest spaceship in the universe. But did you even see The Emire Strikes Back? The Falcon fails every damn time they need to escape! I'd rather rely on an elderly donkey with three legs to get across the galaxy then that mechanic's worst nightmare. This leaves Bugs Bunny. In one cartoon, this guy tunneled from Hollywood to China in 27 seconds. Need I say more? The rabbit will have Carrot Top for lunch, and carrot cake for desert.

- Dom (Wait - aren't carrot tops green?)

Mario gets stuck in front of a pipe endlessly jumping on a stuck mushroom to get infinite lives. Bugs Bunny, while he would murderlize the bum if he could catch him, takes a RIGHT turn at Albuquerque...again. Bond gets lost in a crowd of Hawaiian-shirt wearing tourists there to see the World Series of Poker in Vegas after defeating Dr. Evil at a game of baccarat. The Spaceballs are inept and start looking for him on the wrong planet after popping in a copy of WWWF Grudge-Match: The Movie from Mr. Rental. Han Solo's hyperdrive is acting up... again. The Muppet Gang would wind up hiring him on as a replacement for Fozzy if they could ever find him. Bender, stuck with Fry as an assistant, winds up with mashed potatoes and gravy in his gears. Which leaves Gandalf as the FIRST to find the Ultimate Evil in the World and kill it. Some tasks are just best left to the professionals.

- Cirrocco

The bunker was dimly lit. Viewscreens provided an eerie glow to the central command room. A cigarette flared again. The cancer dinosaur turned to the teen trekkie.
"Your distraction, Wesley crusher, was brilliant."
"Yes Barney. The carrot-man will provide an excellent distraction." Wesley swiveled his chair to his security officer. "Rottweiler! Has your weight in chuhuahuas reached the detention center?"
"Yes, Master Crusher."
"With all attention diverted to the hero-grudge match, my wieght in chihuahuas has begun the liberation of the French Army."
The dinosaur snuffed out the ashes: "They will fight well alongside the Cylons, Wesley."
"Indeed. The Red-shirted ensigns are ideal cannon fodder and landmine testers. The stormtroopers will provide accurate cover fire by aiming at each other. The cylons will look cool and deliver our threats in a 1970s synthesized voice. And the French army will provide a decoy by surrendering en masse. Under the impenetrable cover of Anti-american insults and body odor, the Teletubby commandoes shall sneak in to the warehouse and insert the new computer chips."
Mecha-Johnny #6 would be unstoppable. Even Yoda would quake. Wesley Crusher laughed a silent laugh. He knew his plan would succeed. It was a shame it would have to be his success alone.

He pitied the purple dinosaur, as he watched Barney light up the cyanide- tainted cigarette. He had been a valuable compatriot, but the Crusher had his suspicions when the Han Solo action figure was found in his room. Trust was a tightrope over danger that could not afford to be frayed. Besides... he's a purple f$%*@#ing dinosaur. Only Pip from South Park was less annoying.

- Budo

You should've included a "Who cares, as long as Carrot Top is reduced to a smoldering lump of flesh with frizzy orange hair" button.

- TB Tabby

Wait, the guy in the chair muttered "I love it when a plan comes together," and he didn't light up a cigar and pat Mr. T on the shoulder? George Peppard must be rolling in his grave?

- Grudge-Pops(TM): Shut up, crazy man!

Considering Carrot Top survived a brawl with Jar Jar and Scrappy, I'd go as far to say he'll probably be able to survive this.

- Brad

It's gotta be Bond. Simply because he doesn't have The Rage(TM) AND can still open a can of Whopass(TM) on a regular basis.

- Coolerterror

Dear WWWF,

Although I am new to the site, I think it is fairly obvious who would win this match. Han Solo, Connery's Bond, Bender, Mario, Gandalf, Spaceballs, The Muppet Show and Bugs Bunny. Who then?

Ok so this line up has some of the meanest fictional chracters of all time. However I am definately going with Mario. Why? Well it's relitivly simple. Mario has the variety of attacks and the courage of an average Ox.

Han Solo is cool, anyone has to admit that, however his only combat techniques would be simply to pull out his blaster and loose a couple of bolts off. You've got Mario, who has the speed and agility of a small chimp (did you see him climb those trees in SUPER mario sunshine?). A quick and easy bounce on the head from short distance would be enough to knock Han out for a while, he wouldn't have time to drag the old blaster from his belt.

Connery's Bond would get the most votes, however need I remind you that Bond wouldn't be anywhere without Q's gadgets. It says nothing about Q there. How many times has those gadgets saved his life. And do remember brosnan's Bond is far better and more agile. Yeah Connery has his cliche comments, but they are no match for "moma mia!".

Bender is easy. If anyone has seen the new Mario game sunshine you would notice that he has a little buddy that goes everywhere with him called Fludd, the water pump. A squirt of that and Bender's circuits go out of the window.

Gandalf would be a hard one to beat, although may you not forget Gandalf's one disadvantage, if he doesn't have his blasted staff he is almost rendered useless. By the time the old fool has muttered his words and raised his magic staff Mario has done one of his super fast stomach skids and...yoink! He nicks the staff. Then it's just the case of jumping on his head.

Spaceballs have the overall intellect of three disorientated slugs. Do not let that fool you. They are evil, but not evil enough. The fight in a three. Take one out and they would be gibbering at Mario's feet. He would only have to do one of his ground puds on a head and it would split.

The Muppet show, ooh a tough one. There's so many of them. But can they resist their disadvantage. Ever noticed that when they are all together they must sing a song. All mario would have to do is start them off and take them out one by one with his head bounces. Either that or capture Miss piggy and have the frog begging at his feet.

Bugs Bunny is a clever little bastard. He has dynamite and all sorts of things, including carrots. But can his cliches match up to Mario's. I think not. Also I doubt Bugs Bunny would be the same without his damn carrots to back him up. Take them and he's rendered useless.

Long shot I know, but that's why mario must win. He's a mean machine. Don't mess or he'll come and get you. Moma mia.

- Crowfoot

First thing's first. Bugs Bunny is out thanks to having the worst sense of direction in the universe. If he tries to go to Burbank, he'll end up taking the wrong turn and ending up in the middle of a situation involving Elmer shooting at Daffy. If he tries for the moon he'll just end up on Mars, thwarting Marvin's own plans to destroy the Earth. And forget about Gandalf and his friends. Have you ever read the Lord of the Rings books? It's just walking and walking and walking and walking and walking. Yeah, he might have a chance if we gave him a six months head start. While James Bond is fast on his way to the Burbank fortress, Mario easily beats him to it thanks to a set of warp zones. There is a surprising lack of guards in the fortress. Instead there is nothing but a dark maze filled with lava, jumping fireballs and spinning lines of fire. Mario makes it through the traps and succeeds in dropping the annoying comic into a vat of lava. But to his disappointment it is revealed that he is but a Carrotbot (TM Latveria Industries). Sorry Mario, but your comedian is in another castle.

Despite the money prize and the glory, there is no real reason for competition in this match. So the other four factions team up. Well, three factions, actually. Han Solo takes great pleasure in pounding the crap out of Dark Helmet, holding the painful memory of the time Darth Vader made a fool out of him in Cloud City. The other Spaceballs, insulted, leave towards the moon by themselves. Without the knowledge that there is actually no air on the moon, they all suffocate and die quickly. With the Muppets inside the Planet Express ship, Phillip J. Fry is stoked. No doubt, we hear plenty of, "I remember you from the twentieth century!" But once he comes back from a trip to the bathroom, Fry sees that all of the Muppets are mysteriously missing. On a completely unrelated note, Dr. Zoidberg seems awfully tired and stuffed, much like someone who has just eaten a hearty Thanksgiving dinner. Oddly enough, Zoidberg had the same reaction once Chewbacca came up missing. Go figure. Han and Bender infiltrate the moon base with the agreement that they'll split the money both ways. As Bender bends and disables Carrot Top's evil ray gun, Han blasts the orange-haired villain to death. If you're wondering, Han fired first. Wait, scratch that. Carrot Top fired first, but missed a ridiculously easy shot. Yeah, that's the ticket. Bender and Han shake hands on a job well done. But Bender tells Han about a friend he met the other day who was interested in meeting Mr. Solo. Before Han can act suspicious, a plasma blast burns a hole through his chest. Bender gives the thumbs up to Boba Fett, who leaves to go get his reward from Jabba.

Back at Planet Express, Bender treats himself to a dozen or so kegs of beer whist wearing a monocle and a top hat. After all, just like his friend Boba, he *is* stinking rich off getting his bounty. Things can't get any better than this. That is, until Professor Farnsworth enters the room with an announcement. "Good news, everybody! I just fixed Carrot Top's ray gun! But I don't want anyone to touch--" "Oops!" Fry says. "Fry?" Leela asks. "Where did you aim that laser?" "Um..." Just then, on the TV, "Sorry to interrupt All My Circuits, but it seems as though Fox Headquarters has been blasted into smithereens! The parade will be held tomorrow at noon."

- Gavok

Simple. Han Solo wins this one. Once he realizes the horde after him, Carrot Top will most likely hide in the security of his lair on the moon. The deciding factor is who can get to the moon to fight him in the first place.

Muppets: The muppets have a hard enough time driving a truck, working the pedals to try operating a space-ship to the moon. On top of that, on the way they're likely to break out into songs which will only slow them down, so they're out of the competition.

Mario: Although a big fan of Mario, I don't see him winning this match. Unfortunately for him, the sewers and plumbing doesn't run to the moon.

Bugs Bunny: Being a cartoon character, Bugs can easily place an order for an ACME rocket via mail-box, amazingly get the order processed and the rocket shipped back to him in mere seconds, which sure beats the hell out of UPS. However, in his rage about all the carrots being taken he didn't stop to plan anything out. The first thing he did was start tunneling, in which case he'll end up in some 3rd world country and realize he should've taken that left turn at Albuquerque. You simply can't tunnel your way to the moon.

Spaceballs: The Spaceballs are just that... spaceballs. Even though they have the spaceships to reach the moon and blow it to smithereens from a great distance, they're simply too stupid to pull it off.

Bender: Bender will undoubtedly team up with Fry, and the laziness of the two of them combined will show them slumped in front of a tv in less than 15 minutes.

Gandalf: Gandalf will fall into some monstrous pit and be useless until the end of the 2nd episode. Unfortunately, this contest is not a trilogy

Sean Connery's James Bond: Sure he can get ass, and yes he has the technology and Q's gadgets to get him to the moon. But no way rockets back in the day of Connery can outrun Han's Falcon. It'll be over before Bond and get off the launch pad.

Han Solo: The obvious victor. He has the fastest ship to get there and everybody knows he can kick some ass. There won't be a trilogy this time, it will be short and sweet.

- Alabama Avenger

I'm afraid there's only one individual that can even hope to bring down Annoyance Incarnate(tm), and that is, of course, The Great and Terrible Wascally Wabbit(tm), but in case some of you can't grasp the blatantly obvious, allow me to elaborate. First off, there's Spaceballs. I mean really, what skills do they bring to the table? Are they gonna comb the beaches of Burbank? Sure they have a giant hoover at their disposal, but that advantage is countered quite easily by the fact that Carrot Top rigged the last match against Jar Jar. George Lucas has been itching for a chance to rid the world of his greatest blunder, and his Carrotness has been on the books of ILM(tm) for some time (who else do you think could manage the special effects inherent in the Fro?). Thus, Carrot Top has access to the Death Star, which means unless Dark Helmet is hiding John Mclain under that ginormous cranium of his, it's game over. No length of Schwartz will be sufficient to get them out of this mess. Carrot top in 3.6 seconds. Equally impotent are the Muppets. Even if we do discount the George Lucas-Jim Henson connection, THEIR MADE OF FREAKING FABRIC!!! Being surrounded by the countless models provided by our friends at AT&T, all it'll take is one good cigarette butt, and it's goodbye to the flammable mop/puppets. Carrot Top sweeps up the ashes, and the Muppets spend the rest of eternity inside a mantle decoration.

Gandalf has faced off against Saruman, rode a Balrog to the center of the earth, stood against the fires of Mordor and the eye of Sauron, and even helped rid Middle Earth of the ancient Morgoth, but he has yet to come across an evil so concentrated, so permeating and corrupting as that of Carrot Top. Grey, White, whatever color he is, he stands no chance against Carrot the Orange. The Isle of the Elves falls by the end of the week. Under normal circumstances, the Plumber in Red would be a definite contender, were it not for his underlying psychological dependency on Bowser and his Koopas. Mario has defined his existence by defending the princess against the nefarious shelled menace. Without Bowser he lacks purpose. He lacks heart. Without Bowser what's there left to save Toad from? Clogged toilets? Ruptured septic tanks? If Mario takes out Carrot Top, he's only taking out himself. That, and Mario still has an outstanding contract with Greenpeace(tm) after that whole Sunshine bit, which prevents him from battling members of the Liberal Hollywood Elite(tm). Carrot Top should be able to recommend him a good psychiatrist... and a good lawyer.

Bender might also be a threat, but for a robot, he has a notoriously short attention span, and halfway into formulating a scheme decides to take a short break, only to be distracted indefinitely by his last remaining beer and a particularly heartbreaking episode of Passions. Carrot Top joins him, hands him a Tab(tm), and in return asks to borrow Bender's Gaydar(tm) for his own personal use. Han, although able to perform the set task, is still nothing but a corporate tool for Lucas Inc.(tm), which has already been determined to be on the Orange Side of the Force. Carrot Top then uses Han and the rest of Georges cronies to completely overwhelm Sean Connery's Bond. Although he takes nearly the entire Empire with him, James goes down in a frenzy of charred stormtroopers and Jedi Robes, leaving only a crippled Death Star, piloted by the critically injured Lucas, to tell the tale.

With all his resources spent destroying Bond, Carrot Top stands defenseless against Bugs, and realizing the futility of resistance, begs for his life at the Bunny's furry feet. The Omnipotent Bugs, in his wisdom, allows him to live, but only before taking his Babies back home to live under his personal care and attention. Carrot Top goes back to the loving arms of AT&T, and all is right with the world.

- The Running Eskimo

Much as I respect and admire many of the other fine contestants assembled here I think that the heroic adventurer Mario has the best chance.

I think the that will define this the most accurately is past experience in defeating single, toweringly evil villains.

While Han Solo is daring, bold and sneaky he does not have a good record: he did support int the battle of the first Death Star and merely damaged the villain's ship, he was captured and tortured by that same villain later and had to be rescued from a second villain. After this, once again he was support combat rather than a villain-killer. I think whoever wins will be happy that Han was along... Helping.

When Sean Connery was starring as James Bond he seemed more interested in destroying the villain's structures and plans and then making out with beautiful women. Killing the villain was a side benefit.

As I recall, the only time Bender was victorious over a single opponent was a cooking contest where he drugged the judges. Not a good record.

Gandalf, while a great and mighty wizard, seems to be content to let others claim the victory over the mighty villain while he directs their actions. No matter who wins this battle and how he did it, Gandalf told him how.

The Spaceballs villains do not have any practice fighting villains so their machinations are probably going to be only a minor obstacle to the real hero here.

The Muppet Show cast has a good chance at this, since they were able to defeat Long John Silver, but their zany anticsÝ will put them behind someone singlemindedly headed for victory.

Bugs Bunny has a good chance also, but since most of his villains come hunting for him (yes, I did that on purpose) I don't think he has the practice to chase and capture a threat to all humanity. He will probably also be embroiled in a legal battle with the The Muppet Show cast for the copyright on "zany antics"

That leaves no-one but Mario, he has had lots of success fighting off and bypassing the villain's henchmen and traps, and always ends with defeating the head villain in personal combat.

Mario gets the villain and rescues the world from grating humor (copyright currently under contention from Gilbert Godfried)

- Thomas the Kingmaker

The Planet Express has destroyed the Spaceball I in an exiting battle to the comedic death, Leela has inserted a carrot in a rather uncomfortable part of Bugs Bunny's anatomy, Hermes has turned Miss Piggy into jerk pork on a string, Gandalf and Professor Farnsworth have died of simultaneous heart attacks after a night of wrinkly homosexual luvin, Han Solo and Bond have beat each other senseless over Amy and Fry has finally found a purpose to his life, accosting short fat Italian plumbers in the dark. Now Bender stands over the broken form of Carrot Top. "Mwuaaahuuaaaaah, this'll teach your flabby carbon-based ass to do whatever it is you did." Just as Bender's steely grip closes around the comic's throat it seems that the walking orange haired crime against humanity may finally be bent out of existence a crack team of Fox agents leap onto Bender, dragging him to the ground. "Thank god Mr Carrot Top, we nearly lost you, we want to offer you your own two and a half hour prime time slot."

- David "I'm not bitter they cancelled Futurama" Gorman.

Well, any of them could kill Carrot Top if they got to him. So it's just a matter of who gets there first. Han and the Spaceballs do have the fastest rides... but the second they see each other, you know what will break out. "It's Darth Vader!" "It's Lone Star!" There will be a massive, somewhat silly battle between the two, which eliminates both of them but provides a stirring light show backdrop for the eventual winner. Bond has the gadgets to break past the doors, but he'd be held up by all the rowdy drunks in the stands. I know he's from England, but he always fights foreigners, never England's own hooligans. So he won't get there in time.

The Muppets are chaos personified. While this does make them a tornado of destructive fury, it also means that they can't just go from point A to point B for their goal. They'll spend too much time with bizarre chicken-related mishaps to get there in time. Bugs has a similar problem. Oh, he has focus, but he always gets lost. After all these years, how can he still not know how to get to Albequerque? Bugs will invariably take a wrong turn along the way and show up late. Gandalf, for all his supposed power, is terrible at transportation. Notice how he always has to call on eagles to get around? Or how he can't just get Frodo to Mount Doom in a heartbeat? He's an old man, and like most old men, he gets around slower than molasses. He'll get there last. Bender will get there very fast. He's a machine, and thus never really tires out, and his beer is threatened. Very direct. But he has one problem - he can only bend things (he's a bending robot, you know, not a lifting robot). And since there are no bars on the cage Carrot Top is in, Bender can't get at him.

Mario? Just give him a whistle and he can warp anywhere he wants. Just let him stop by a music store to buy two, and he can warp in, bust on Carrot Top, and warp out. Since he's the one most capable of reaching Carrot Top, Mario manages to do what we've all dreamed of.

- 32_Footsteps, the Eve of Destruction

Let's start by thinning the herds, shall we? I see four battles shaping up from this motley crowd:
  1. Solo vs Spaceballs: Spaceballs couldn't even knock off Dick Van Patten. Solo emails them pics of his girlfriend Leia in the slave girl outfit (you gotta know email's one of those "special modifications" he made to the Falcon, go with me on this one)....and a computer virus that turns Mega-Maid into a self-destructing nuclear warhead. Dark Helmet becomes Kim Jong-Il's new "action figure."
  2. Bond vs Gandalf: Basically magic vs gadgets. Not even the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen can save Bond from the old wizard.
  3. Bender vs Bunny: This battle's been done before. Don't you wemember the wobot Elmer Fudd sent after that wascally wabbit when he was swiping cawwots off his fahm? (ha-ha-ha-ha) Let's see, what all did Bugs do to that scrap pile? Dressed in robot drag, rusted him down by making him run through a water sprinkler, and finally delivered him back to a bucket of bolts. Bender gets bent. Literally.
  4. Muppets vs Mario: The only memory I have of Mario was the original Donkey Kong game, so this one's tougher. Having battled barrel-lobbing monkeys, Mario should have no problem getting past Animal, Elmo, Oscar, Grover, and Cookie Monster. The problems start when he realizes the princess in this case is none other than Piggy. That right there is enough to make Mario go jumping to a violent, screaming death.
So now that leaves Solo, Gandalf, Bunny, and Piggy.
  1. Solo vs Gandalf: Same thing. Technology vs magic. Neither Yoda, Luke, nor any other Jedi masters are around to bail Solo out of this one. And Gandalf's probably too old and decrepit to get any kicks out of the Leia pics. Solo gets frozen in carbonite all over again.
  2. Bunny vs Piggy: One word: Millicent. The fat Slobokian female bunny Fudd tried to shotgun Bugs into marrying. Next thing you know, Fudd's wearing a pig (or frog?) costume, trying desperately to fend off a lonely Piggy.
Which leaves us with: Gandalf (GF) vs Bunny (BB), who buys off the old geezer with the Singing Sword. By this time, The Evil Formerly Known As Carrot Top (TEFKACT) has approached the ring with a terrible secret weapon -- a pay phone where telemarketers who are clones of Carrot Top call you incessantly to tell you to dial 1-800-CALL-ATT.

TEFKACT: At last, you will grovel before me! But before you do, dial 1-800-ACME-TNT....hey, waitaminnit....this isn't my phone receiver....


BB: Hee-hee-hee....ain't I a stinker? Th-th-th-th-that's All, Folks!

- The Genius Formerly (and Still) Known as Eddie

As the competitors rush from their chairs to Carrot Top's hideouts, one of them stops just outside the door. Leaning against a wall, James Bond flips open his wristwatch and contacts Q. "Initiate Plan GMHGTF..." A few hours later, Carrot Top shuttles back to his Burbank lair, only to find the Grudgies who were tricked by the voting form for Wrestlemanya. They have been armed with poweful weapons, and they are pissed. As he rushes for the exit, it seals, and a deep voices announces: "Sucka." The resulting carnage is sent to all the other Grudgies in the world, creating world peace for about a month. Lying on a beach in Rio, with a hot blonde and a cold drink, 007 smiles as he speaks to Q over the wristwatch. "Brilliant one, Q. I never thought that teleporter would work." "It was simple, James. By the way, you created the name for that plan... what does it mean?" Looking into the camera hookup with Grudge Match Headquarters, the world's greatest secret agent announces: "Grudge Match Has Gone Too Far." And a song plays softly on the breeze...

- The Man Called True - "Ve haff ways of getting vat ve vant..."

Hey... don't look at me. I voted for Jar-Jar.

- Pulmonox (and I voted for Han Solo too)

The scene is a lunar landscape. The various contestants of Grudge Match are fleeing from an underground lunar base, while various alarms blare. Finally, the group comes to a chasm, spanned by a narrow bride of stone. One by one, the members of the T.O.C. flee across the brige, all the while, the sounds of their pursuer grow louder, until only Gandalf stands at the middle of the brige... Emerging from the passage comes Carrot Top. In one hand is a long plumber's snake with a giant foam finger affixed to the end, ("You know, for when I want to really reach out & touch someone!") in the other a plastic sword hilt glued to the feet of an oversized Richard Simmons Doll. ("Because someone said I needed a 'flaming' sword!")

Gandalf stands alone on the bridge, a faint light surrounded by dorkness. "You cannot pass! I am a servent of the Secret Fire, wielder of the Flame of Hasbro! The Dork Fire shall not avail you, flaming idiot! YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!" Of course, Carrot Top not being a fan of reading anything more complex than the instructions on how to open a bag of chips, doesn't know not to rush out on the brige. So he rushes out on the bridge. And falls, plummeting to his eventual doom. (all the while thinking to himself "Why didn't I just smack him off the bridge while he was talking?") But in a last-ditch effort, he whips out a gummy, sticky stretchy hand and pulls Gandalf into the depths with him. (Because let's face it: one thing Sir Ian isn't is beefy.)

But why did it have to end this way? First, let's get one thing straight: Carrot Top must die. That's the single most important, defining factor here. Carrot Top dying. Badly. Horribly. Which, sadly, eliminates both the Muppet Show & Bugs Bunny. First, while both shows endorse hearty mayhem & violence, no one ever actually dies as a result. Bugs can drop an endless supply of Acme(tm) anvils onto Carrot Top's dome, but given the spring-like protection of his frightning 'fro, he'll be unharmed. Maimed, dazed, and stunned, but really, how is that different from normal? Mario will be similarly stymied, as from what I can recall of Super Mario Brothers, his primary tactic seemed to be jumping up & down on opponents' heads. Again, it's 'fro to the rescue of the demon-spawn Carrot Top. Spaceballs never actually managed to kill anyone (though not for lack of trying), but since death & dismemberment are the key factors here, it's too important to leave to luck or chance. Wave good bye, Spaceballs. Bender has behavior problems enough to kill, but considering how often his arms & legs fall off in the course of any given show, he only gets my vote for "Most Likely to Be Turned Into a Bad Sight Gag". Han Solo can kill, provided he's able to shoot his opponent from under a table. But that comment about the hyperdrive? If he isn't positively, absolutely sure that the hyperdrive has been fixed, then it hasn't. And if he is sure, then it'll just break down at a key moment. So while Han's got the attitude, he just can't go the distance. Literally.

Gandalf took down the Balrog, which was a large, flaming monster, not unlike Carrot Top. So he's got experience in the matter. Which leaves us with 007. Who, after seeing the large flaming beast and the small, not-so-flaming wizard both fall to their doom, will turn to his companion Ivana HumpalotuntilIcantstandanymoreandthenlickyourtoes and head back to his waiting spaceship.

- dok

Mario's going to win because of his connection to the Italian Mafia.

- Lantern

The last time i had to think so hard about a match was when you pitted James Bond Connery against James Bonds Brosnan, Moore, Lazenby and Dalton. But this time, Bond does not pull through. Immediately, Bond hears a rumor of one remaining beautiful woman that hasn't been kidnapped. Since he hasn't seen one of them for years, he heads straight for the Millenium Falcon and sees his worst fear... Han Solo/Indiana Jones. Bond, recognizing his son and conqueror, breaks down and crawls into a corner and begins to rock himself back and forth, whimpering. Elsewhere, Gandalf has run into the Muppets. After initially establishing an uneasy peace, Gonzo tries to take the funky little stone out of Gandalf's staff. Gandalf gives the highly flammable Muppets a free demonstration of his patented Flame of Henson(TM).

The remaining competitors now begin their feverish search for Carrot Top, who now demands to be called "Sir Carrot Top." Bugs is the first to spot the red haired menace. Near Albequerque NM, Sir Carrot Top was in his special high-speed 1-800-C-A-L-L-A-T-T phone, heading due east. Bugs promptly took a right, which took him west into California. When asked about it later, he only shook his head and said regretfully, "I shoulda taken a left turn at Albequerque." At the same time as Sir Carrot Top reached St. Louis later that day, the Spaceballs crew had a run-in with both Han Solo and Bender. Recognizing Bender as another second rate spinoff, they befriend him and take him aboard. But Bender, seeing that Dark Helmet smuggled the only case of true American beer left in the world, attacks the crew, who, during the fight, don't notice a streak of gray, followed by a good old fashoned torpedo launched from the Millenium Falcon by a grinning Han Solo. Governor Mario in Minnesota has deployed the national guard (or whats left of it after recent deployments to Iraq and Bosnia) and secures the border to Iowa making sure that Sir Carrot Top cannot approach from the south. Unfortunately, he failed to realize that even though the western border is relatively secure thanks to the number of Hicks with Lotsa Guns(TM) there, the eastern side is only monitered by vegan pacifists and gang members so drugged up they can't load their 9MM's. An invasion by the elite Carrot Crew(TM) takes the majority of the state, their only challenges the old hard of hearing farmers, whose years of farming has made them immune to the mind numbing effect of these Carrot Top clones.

Now the two remaining contestants have gotten information that Sir Carrot Top plans to make Pheonix, AZ his headquarters for reasons unknown, even to the poofy haired tyrant. In the spirit of brotherhood, Han offers Gandalf a ride there in the Falcon. In Pheonix, they learn through CTNN (Carrot Top News Network) that Sir Carrot Top has taken a slight detour, and will be at the Grand Canyon for a photo op. Gandalf and Solo speed there and land at the same time as the Phone. A bridge erected over the canyon in honor of Sir Carrot Top serves as a dramatic platform for Gandalf's confrontation with the twisted dictator/super-villain. "You have dishonored the island of the elves. I, the yeilder of the Flame of Henson(TM) have come here to avenge them." "Come on old-timer. I need to get across this thing so I can drink my Tab(TM) in the comfort of the inflatable AT&T phone." "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" At this, Gandalf swings his staff at Sir Carrot Top, and knocks him from the edge, but the hair that made Sir Carrot Top famous catches Gandalf's ankles and pulls the aging wizard down with him. Gandalf hangs onto the edge of the brigde long enough to say to Solo "Fly you fool!" and then falls.

Three weeks later a horrible battle has come to an end. Sir Carrot Top lays dead and mangled on the top of Pike's Peak. Gandalf (of course) dies as soon as the crumpled body of the most annoying super-villain ever hits the rocks. Solo goes to the underground lair to claim the prize. The important man informs him that since he's the only competitor who wasn't killed, scarred for life or maimed by clones, that he is entitled to a prize. Gandalf, looking like a new man(?), walks into the room. "Hey there big guy"

- King Forrest III

I think the important thing is that Carrot Top gets dialled down the center. If you get what I mean.

- Kari

Let me begin by saying that this was hard, and I expect that Bugs will win no matter what because he has such a following. With that being said, I think Gandolf would kick ass of anyone there. Here are just a few reasons why.

Han Solo: Gandolf has a power similar to the force, and Han's laser blast was stopped by a force weilder who was beaten by some young brat.

Bond: Gandolf has experience with all out war, as opposed to sneaking assasin type missions. Plus, anyone who has played Goldeneye for the 64 knows that Bond can't aim quickly.

Bender: Bender is a screw up machine. At best, most machines break all of the time. Bender is not at best.

Mario: Mario is close, but the best he can manage most of the time is fire balls, and that is no problem for Gandolf. That's with classic Mario. In the 64 version, he can fly (not very fast, makes for great target practice), he can become metal (big whoop. People with experience with metal can tell you that being made out of it would not be an advantage), and he can become invisible (very cliche power. I'm also sure that Gandolf would be able to cast a spell to be able to see him. Gandolf was able to defeat Dumbledore, who was not only able to see Harry covered by an invisability cloak, but was able to become invisable himself).

Spaceballs: They have none.

The Muppet Show: They are a bunch of freakin' PUPPET'S!!!!!! Even the most cowardly hobbit could take the lot of them! And Gandolf has all hobbits at his whim. Not to mention that Gandolf himself is by far more powerful than a large footed midget.

Bugs Bunny: He has a chance. I will give him that. Chances are that Gandolf and Bugs will be the last two left. But they are both sensable beings. They would realize that it doesnt' matter who kills Carrot Top, as long as it gets done. Since Bugs is more of a pacifist and fights strictly in defense, they decide that Gandolf should do the honors. Plus if they WERE to fight, Bugs wouldn't be able to pull of that female thing cuz I've not seen that Gandolf is swayed by that sort of thing. Bugs' gun in hole trick wouldn't work, no gun. And Bugs would be pretty ineffective while he is being thrown against trees, walls, etc. by a power he has no understanding of. In short, Gandolf posseses powers that none of the others have any sort of understanding of. Plus he looks cooler in his robes and with his staff (whether it is Gandolf the White or Gandolf the Grey)

- That demonic chinchilla

Uhh... reality check, if he can make fireworks that fly like dragons, fight with crazy magic AND with a sword, If the G-man can come back from the dead just becuase his "work was not complete" we will easily lay waste to the rest of the competitors. it took another wizard/Demigod to imprison Gandalf in Book 2, and even then he escaped and returned to waste the forces that bore the white hand. Gandalf- all the way, no further discussion required.

- Fundip

The animated characters (including the Muppets, who are close enough) decide that, by working together, they can show Carrot Top what comedy really is. Carrot Top, in seeing their shtick, decides that they are too much for him, and has them strapped to chairs watching his videos, a la A Clockwork Orange. Not good. President Skroob, being who he is, decides to stay behind and send Dark Helmet to stop this evil. Dark Helmet's ability to remove one's masculinity has, of course, no effect on Carrot Top, and Dark Helmet is then subjected to the same torture. Leaving the three that have actually killed people on screen.

Han Solo, as is his fashion, screams kamikazically (wow, I just created a new word), as he rushes toward the Comedian of Evil, laser gun blaring. The shots are simply absorbed by Carrot Top's hair (This is from experience. My hair, though not orange, is otherwise constructed similarly). Bond, as is HIS fashion, will go through a complex plot of secretly breaking into Carrot Top's lair, killing many of his minions, and coming about this || close to killing the mastermind (if he can be called that), when he is captured and taken to another sort of torturing device that works painfully slow. Gandalf, realizing his time has come, appears majestically inside the Den of Evil Comedy, and magically sets his hair aflame, causing his false skin to burn off as he dies, revealing, as was suspected that Carrot Top is not a human, but is in fact a. a. What IS that thing?

- Garfman

Everybody wins as long as Carrot Top gets a shot to the nuts with Dark Helmet's Schwartz ring. Now THAT'S prop comedy!

- Vanilla Ike

Carrot Top is immune to comedy, thus wiping out 5 of the contestents (I always thought the Mario Brothers were a joke). The other 3 are equally competent, with equally useful help. Let's face it - they could all get the job done. Han Solo, however, has the fastest transportation, so he gets there first and finishes the job. Gandalf and James Bond take him out for a few drinks afterward to hear the story.

- NIP (No one in Particular)

Personally, I'd just like to see what you guys had lined up if "All Killed and Mutilated" didn't take the day.

- DramaGuy

When in doubt go with the guy who can return from the dead and turn you into a toad...Now which one will it be...Gandalf or Bugs? I have to say the bearded one takes it based solely on how imposing a figure he is when he desires it and how when he doesn't, he is a cool guy who just wants some good food an "hobbit weed" to smoke, Bugs will sense this is another laid back hero and help him out.

- Jayce, leader of the monkey army of DOOM

Mario is a man who has spent his entire life searching for, uprooting, throwing, and eating vegetables, not to mention searching out (and having sexual relations with) the Princess of the vegetable kingdom. Mario will find Carrot Top faster than you can say "Yah, woo hoo, yippee," and he will either throw him, eat him, or make love to him. Any of these would most certainly be fatal.

- Peter Fenzel

I am overly analytical at heart. So, for me, it all comes down to weaponry... Han Solo (guns) vs. Sean Connery's James Bond (fancy guns) vs. Bender (strong arms and a fanatical sense of self-esteem) vs. Mario (things that go "boink") vs. Gandalf (magic) vs. Spaceballs (nothing that ever worked correctly) vs. The Muppet Show (Animal and Kermit's soothing rhetoric) vs. Bugs Bunny (ALL of the above) Bugs has never been pigeon-holed into using only one format of weaponry. If someone else uses one thing, he'll just whip out a bigger version of it.

- Billy_Chuck

I'm gonna keep this as short with as small words as possible so those who keep voting star wars can understand. Mario cannot even find the damn princess. I gaurentee hes as useful as ropeless soap in a penal colony. He and bond will be so busy looking for tail they are out to begin with. Bugs doesnt hunt people, he would rather screw with the rest of the combatants, and any group with a gun is screwed. Cept Han solo. Han will end up in a bar, since all he knows how to do is drink and get caught by the imperial fleet (a parcep must be really damn slow) He and bender will get drunk, at which point will be too sloshed to do anything. Gandalf knows nothing about the 20th century. Hes gonna be roadkill as fast as one can say Mechanical dragons with rubber feet.

Spaceballs vs the muppets. Since spaceballs has the video tape anyway they can find carrot top easily. The muppets have found everything, from pirates treasure to animals prozak. But in the clinch. The testiclating ring has no effect, and the lack of oxygen will slowly tire the spaceballs creaw. Allowing the muppets to sick animal, miss piggy and the large muppet eating giant on barf and lonestar. If they havent stomped everone in their way and killed that wendys look alike 1 800 collect moron yet, beaker and the professor could easily make numerous weapons of mass desctruction capable of winning three gulf wars and a korea or two.

- Star wars doesnt win everything.

Spaceballs, a rip of Star wars- Han solo +1
Muppet show, ewoks are Jim HensonMuppets- Han solo+1
Yoda, patterned after Gandalf- Gandlaf +1
Bender, patterned after the bouny hunter IG-88 -Han solo +1
Mario, a fat plumber who hangs with Toad, a small ewok like character, Toad-Han solo+1
Connery's Bond- Sir Sean Connery, like Sir Alec Guiness(Obi-Wan)- Han solo+1
HELLLOOOO... its like six degrees of han solo, it all relates back to him.
solo wins.

- gijosh

Let's break it down:

Dark Helmet's silhouette looks. . . well . . . I'll be CIRCUMspect and say it's CIZED too big, but I don't want to oPEN thIS can of worms.

Bugs Bunny: um... um... man Lola Bunny was a babe in "Space Jam". Even better than Jasmine in "Aladdin". . . where can I download pics of her?

The Muppets: Also, where can I download pics of Miss Piggy? Tell me quick. . . SO I CAN AVOID IT FOREVER!!!

Han Solo: Lo-lo-lo-lo-lola-aaaaaaaa. . . oops. Still thinkin' 'bout that bunny. Moving on now. . . . no wait . . . now.

Sean Connery: My ex-girlfriend, about 130 years Connery's junior, assures me he's hot. I want to go to the town he's from and pick up chicks with my Canadian accent just for spite because all the girls I wanna be with think HIS accent's sexy. (PS: he only has that beard because he's jowly but he doesn't want you to notice)

Gandalf: You PRINTED my feedback comment about Gandalf vs. Dumbledore! I was SOOO happy! (On my pirated "the Two Towers" DVD from Beijing, on the poorly translated subtitles he's called "white magic person Gandofu" and he helps Florido the Hobby, Rlakong, Rekolex the Elf and Kingling son of Groin (the Dwarf) fight Swron, Saruman, and his army of bitch-men.)

Mario: He can clean my pipes any time. . . . . because he's a plumber. That's what plumbers do. Also, it would be cool to meet him.

Bender: six letters, starts with B, has two vowels and six consonants, but just isn't as cool as Batman. Sorry dude.

So, thanks to the unintentional comedy of Gandalf's Chinese, poorly-translated Two Towers DVD, Gandofu walks away with it. No one else here was in a movie where lines like "He will cast a spell on us" became vaguely dirty: "He will do something to us," and a line like "I am on nobody's side because nobody is on my side, little orc" (Treebeard) becomes "I don't support any side because nobody consider instead of me, little bitch man". Yay for bad translation!

- Robbb, living in Korea where English speaking sometimes funny and my name becomes "Lap"

If no one managed to kill Carrot Top *before* he became a supervillain, what are the chances of anyone being able to do so now?

- The Amazing Rando~!

Since this match technically pits the Champions against Carrot Top instead of each other, we should benefit from reviewing their respective experience with annoying, please-shoot-me-in-the-face personalities:

Han Solo had to put up with Luke Skywalker who, while a whiny brat, wasn't near as irritating as 'Top.
Connery's Bond, in the Last Crusade of Indiana Jones (since I can think of no annoying Connery-era Bond figures), dealt with the sass-back of his son Junior. Still not nearly as annoying, and nothing a good firm backhand to the head couldn't fix.
Bender must consistently bear with Phil Fry, an imbecile, but more humourous than annoying (something CT could only dream of).
Mario's bane is surely Toad, the little guy with a mushroom on his head. He was the one in the first game always going, "Gee Mario, it's great you faced death and all to beat the level, but our princess is off in some other castle." Makes him grit his teeth, sure, but he's always ready for the next level.
Gandalf patiently bore all three Hobbits, especially Frodo "Waaahhh, the little yellow fruit loop is too much for me!" Baggins. But still not even close.
Spaceballs were pestered by the Good Guys, and Good really is Dumb, but they were more annoyed than annoying.
Bugs Bunny had to put up with joiks, half-wits and maroons, but he dispatched them all easily. And this isn't his kind of Carrot.
The Gall-dern Muppets and their Show, now we have it! The felt-and-google-eyed wonders routinely weathered random explosions, flying fish, cranky guests, and schemes to turn Kermit into French cuisine (a fate worse than death), and managed to Get Their Show On all the same. And Carrot Top looks more like one of them than anything, putting them on the same level... the prospect of becoming his "hand props" (doubtless used to play "peel the carrot") would give anyone a desperate enough drive to fight back.

- Monkeydog
Dial THIS down the center, bitch!

Come on, what are you talking about. Where is the discussion? The Muppets are going to Hi-yah this guy out of the sky so forget about it. I mean think of it, they have everything going for them: A Karate chopping pig, A Weirdo who isn't afraid of anything, Two grumps who could talk him to death, A bear who could bore him to death, A frog who could good-will-to-all-men him to death, A bunch of large (and harry) monsters, A dozen or so rats, and numerous Chickens, Penguins and, um, things. So where is the questian? Go get 'em Muppets.

- Beauregard, (Of forums)

Why are Gandalf and Han Solo in the lead? In the 7+ hours I've sat watching LOTR, not once did I see a VCR or a television set to unleash the horror of those tapes. And as for Solo, he can do without the cash. If Han truly needs money, he could just sweet-talk Leia for a loan. And besides, all his creditors are dead! These two fanboy- supported contestants surely don't have the proper motivation to win. The REAL winners ought to be The Muppets. Carrot Top might use them as stage props one day, but who's to say he won't use them as hand-puppets the next? This will give The Muppets The RAGE to win, since I doubt Kermit, Gonzo, or ANYBODY would want to be on stage with Carrot Top's hand up their ass.

- Pornoclaus

Well, of course it would be James Bond, since he is trained at these sort of assassin missions. Also add to the fact that Carrot Top has kidnapped every woman in the world with a slutty name, which is all the women who would sleep with Sean Connery's James Bond. So Bond has more incentive to kill Carrot-Top than the others.

- Josh Lindberg

Gandalf, naturally, has this pretty much down. We will, for the sake of clarity, go opponent by sad opponent and divulge why.

1. Solo: The hyperdrive(TM), as always when it is really needed, will quite naturally malfunction, prompting a two hour I-told-you-so bich-fest from 3P0.
2. Bond: Really, he did not have much of a chance, as there is ALWAYS more slutty named women, the lack of which would defy existence and shaky Bond continuity, thus causing the universe to blink itself out of reality. Thus, Bond, finding one somewhere, is deprived of his incentive.
3. Bender: A single beer or cigar tossed his way will allow ample time to dispatch him by anyone. Not even a contestant, really.
4. Mario: Unless he has a mushroom, Mario tragically follows Nintendo's One-Hit-Even-If-You-Lightly-Tapped-The-Rubber-Ball-He-Was- Holding-And-You-Die (TM pending) Policy that has plauged Mario, Donkey Kong, and others since the beginning of time. Gandalf merely taps him with his stick (twice if mushroom present) and Mario is sucking piazza-pies through a straw.
5. Spaceballs: The bearded lady and Horribly-Costumed-Bear(TM) will likely make an appearance and waylay them indefinitely.
6. Muppets: Tragically, they have Gonzo and the fish guy. Destruction from within is a tragic eventuality.
7. Bugs: Perhaps the only real competitor, A "Wrong Turn at Alberqurque" (TM) will prevent him from entering.

Thus it is down to Gandalf and the posterchild for Satan's illegitimate children: Carrot Top. Is this really even legally a fight? Try a massacre. Gandalf in 5 seconds, if not sooner.

- Solidus: The Greatest Waste Ever

It doesn't really matter who kills Carrot Top as long as his death is long, painfull, and includes repeated beatings with a payphone reciever.

- Ezekiel the Semi-Dark Prophet (Whos dialing down the center now, bitch?)

i dont have any comments about this match i just like to stare at the pic of mr t that you guys have in the emailusyourcrap section

- thus spake Zarathustra

Obviously, all of the involved parties could easily deal with Carrot Top's threat. It seems strange that local law enforcement couldn't take care of him. So the only question is, who gets there first? Bond will have to sleep his way through said harem of women with slutty names. Mario will have to start at the lower levels of Carrot Top's organization, only arriving at the moon base at the end of a long, convuluted, and probably unnecessary trip. The Space Balls villains will be forced to construct a huge, wasteful weapon, as well as content with their own crippling stupidity. Bender will get screwed up by Fry. Gandalf would have to start a giant war, come back from the dead, and form questionable relationships with little people. The Muppets once took almost three quarters of a movie crossing the country. Han Solo's ship WON'T be working, no matter what he hopes. And that leaves Bugs Bunny. Capable of distorting the local reality field, he'll arrive on the moon through a rabbit hole, confuse the hell out of Carrot Top's security with his own clever props, and then shoot Carrot Top into the sun, where he belongs. Thank God.

- -Chronic Victory

This is a no-brainer. The Spaceballs will fly to earth at Ludicris speed, and the plaid light of the spaceship will temporarily blind Carrot Top, giving the Spaceballs enough time to do their Transformers thing and become gigantic cleaning lady. After vacuuming Carrot Top into his ship, President Skroob will put him through his beaming system, effectively switching his face with his ass (and making Carrot Top slightly less hidious). "He-With-The-Red- Ass-Hair" will then be handed over to the bearded lady, who will squish Carrot Top to the size of an action figure, so Dark Helmet can play with him. For being such a good doll, Carrot Top will be given the title "Major Asshole" and dropped into the middle of space.

- Doug Packard

This T.O.C., 'tis the titanic trial of triumphers to topple the tough touched takeoff-er, C. Top. Bender says "Before I go and fight Carrot Top, I should get drunk!" (glug glug glug BURP) "Hey, this Tab tastes great, less filling™, though." (glug glug glug) (goes off to Las Vegas to marry floozies) Sean Connery's Bond cracks his back, scratches his white beard, says "I'm getting too old for this shtick," and goes to retire. Han Solo puts the Millenium Falcon into high gear, slams it into hyperdrive, and (just like any drmatic scene in Star Wars™) the Falcon stalls out. It is then blown to bits by a passing asteroid. The Spaceballs see this, and, in an attempt to imitate Star Wars™, get blown to bits by the same asteroid. The Muppets meet Bugs Bunny, who says "Hey, laughing boys, look down." the Muppets do, see that no one is holding them up, and fall empty and lifeless. Afterwards, Bugs, who has never gone this long without a carrot in his life, slowly nibbles away his hand, then his arm, until he has nibbled away his whole body.

This leaves Mario and Gandalf to fight the hated humorist(?). Mario chucks fireballs, but Carrot Top hits the flames back with that AT&T phone. Mario inexplicablly shrinks to the size of a computer mouse, and is squashed by Carrot Top. Gandalf wrestles with Carrot Top, like when he fought the Balrog, only more loathsome. They both plunge off the Golden gate bridge into San Francisco Bay. Gandalf will eventally come back to life, and be crowned Tournment of Champions winner, while Carrot Top kicks the bucket. Next time: Carrot Top Vs. Satan: which Prince of Darkness wins?

- The Unpublished Soldier

*We first open up to see what appears to be a simple shot of a group of mountains. But upon closer inspection, we see that one mountain is carved into the face of a very sinister evil...that sinister evil? None other then Carrot Top!*
*Insert Jarring Cord here*
*Instantly, the camera zooms into the inside of this mountain, which is now a laboratory, complete with random, nameless, generic henchmen and scientists walking around. Seated at a "Huge, evil looking chair" near a table is none other then the red haired goon himself. As he speaks, he strokes a telephone which has a Call ATT sticker on it.*
Carrot Top: Ladies and gentlemen...welcome to my secret mountain top lair... as you can see... my plan for world domination is working... now... we must begin phase two... my assistant will now unveil the plans for you... come Mini Carrot!
*And thus, a little guy who looks just like Carrot Top, except 1/8th his size, comes in and goes over to a huge TV screen and turns it on*
Carrot Top: Now... as we all know... President George W. Bush is set to give a world wide speech in a few hours... my plan? Seize his satellite feed and rebrodcast it to this lair... where I will put on my standup act for the entire world... the people of the world will do anything to make me stop... including... making me the ruler of this planet! Mwa ha ha.... Mwa ha ha ha ha... MWA HA HA HA HA! MWA HA HA HA HA!
*However, a door way suddenly blows up and in walks none other then James Bond* Bond: Not so fast Carrot Top... the jig is up
Carrot: Well well Mr. Bond... I knew you would find me here... you were always good at finding secret lairs... however, it is so unfortunate that you're going to have to die now...
Bond: Oh really now? Try telling that to my team mates! Come on in gang!
*And thus, Animal's warcry reverbirates throughout the lair as the Muppets charge in, followed by Han Solo, with his trusty lazer gun in his hand. Next in comes Bender, drunk and ready to kick some ass, followed by Mario, who has just given himself a fire flower powerup. Next, Gandalf steps into the room, his stick in hand, followed by the Spaceball troupe, and finally, burrowing in from underneath, Bugs Bunny. All of the hero's assemble before the trembling henchmen, but the still unphased Carrot Top*
Bond: It's all over Carrot Top... your evil plan to take control of the world is not going to work
Bender: yeah... so drag that untalented carcas of yours over here so we can take you quietly!
Carrot: You fools... don't you see that you've fallen right into my little trap...
Mario: Trap-a? What are-a you-a talking about-a?
Carrot: I'm glad you asked Mario... behold... my legion of Annoying Comics! *cue omnious music as 6 comics step out of the shadows to stand behind Carrot Top*
Carrot Top: Let me introduce each of them... first... we have Tom Green
Tom Green: Would you like some sausage? would you like some sausage? I love sausage! I want to marry sausage!
CT: Next... we have Kathy Griffin...
Kathy: well hi hi hi... you know... it's so funny that I think I'm a huge comic star when in reality I have the most obnoxious personality and a very annoying voice...
CT: Next... we have Gilbert Godfried...
Gilbert: I cannot open my eyes... where are my eyes...
CT: Next... Gallagher...
*Gallagher does not talk, he simply puts a watermelon on the floor and smashes it with his mallet*
CT: Next... we have Pee Wee Herman...
Paul Reubans: I'm not doing it man... I just can't... it's bad enough I was arrested for playing with little pee-wee once... so no... I'm sorry... i can't...
CT: *Shrugs* Ok...*takes out a pistol and shoots Pee Wee dead* No matter... finally... our last member... Mario Cantone!
Han Solo: You're a maniac Carrot Top... these guys have the ability to kill everyone they encounter...
Carrot: Exactly... go and get them my annoying comrades...

*And thus, the huge fight scene is on. Mario Cantone's freakish screaming, along with his spastic movement and frequent sweating that would make Robin Williams blush, proves to be too much for Bugs Bunny... who may have the brains and wits to survive, but not the strengh. Instantly, he explodes into itty bitty rabbit peices. (And somewhere, Elmer Fudd and Yosemitie Sam rejoice). Now, our heros and villians all square off and start a huge brawl, making a general mess of the hideout in the process. Gandalf, easily the strongest of the heros, manages to levitate Gallager in the air and then send him like a harpoon into a computer, downing him instantly. The Spaceball, who unfortunatly have the combined IQ of Cow Fertalizer, try to take out Carrot top, but simple miscommunication and bad aiming with their guns causes the shots to bounce back and hit them all, killing them. Meanwhile, Bender and Kathy Griffin battle it out, and though Kathy's voice might drive most to suicide, Bender is too drunk to really pay attention to it, and he instantly breaks her neck with his hands. While this is all happening, Carrot top and Mini-Carrot are huddled underneath the table*

Carrot: Oh for god's sake.... detonate the friggen bomb!
*and thus, a henchmen obliges*
*A little while later*
*The mountain lair has now been reduced to rubble. Slowly, James Bond emerges from the rubble, lucky to have survived such an attack. slowly, he looks around for any survivers. He sees Kermit the Frog's arm in the rubble and rushes over to it*
James: My god... Kermit... I'm here... I'm coming...
*But when James pulls Kermit's arm up, to his horror he sees it is simply that, an arm. Yes, it appears everyone died in the blast. However, out of the corner of his eye, Bond spots two figures running down the road that leads down the mountain. It's Carrot top and Mini- Carrot*
Carrot: It's a good thing that table was made of super steel... it absorbed most of the blow...
Mini Carrot: Mmmhmm...
Carrot: Noone can stop us now...Mwa ha ha...
Bond: Except for me....
*Carrot top whirls around and spots Bond, then gasps in shock*
Carrot: Wha?!?! But you were in that blast... how...
Bond: You see this cufflink? It doubles as a protective sheild...
Carrot: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight... no matter... I'll just kill you right now...
Voice: I don't think that's going to happen...
*And with one swoop, the figure's cane swipes at Carrot top and Mini-Carrot's head's... decapitating them instantly. Slowly, the figure turns out to be Gandalf*
James: Good show Gandalf... are you the only other surviver...
Gandalf: Unfortunatly... yes...
James: I see... well come on... we need to report this to the Government.
Gandalf: Yes... let's...
*And so, the two heros look at each other, and then silently go down the hill side by side... their mission accomplished... but it is one mission neither of them will ever forget*

- Dane "The New Prodigy"

The Muppets.... Why? They are basically plush toys. This matters because? All women secretly or openly still have a plush toy somewhere in their possession. Women control men…..I know this for years of personal experience. Every one of the contestants has a proven weakness for women, except maybe Gandalf. Even a great wizard as such would have trouble explaining his perchance for male midgets before betting whompt by the total female gender.

- Milo Bloom

Do you want to know why Gandalf will win? Plot device. He's a smart british guy, in every movie Iv'e seen with one of them they always kick uncanny amounts of ass. Their a horror/fantacy film arkitype. Once he gets some of those dwarves who for some reason always have scottish accents to distract Connery's James Bond the rest of the competition will be no problem. And why do dwarves always have scottish accents?

- ex agent

Can't they all kill him together? Then we're all winners.

- Weird Mark

I used to love Star Wars. Then I realized that Star Wars never got me any head, ever. However, drinking does. Fuck Star Wars, lets go get some beer. Go bender.

- spoilt victorian child

The outcome of this match will be based upon the ancient adage of too many cooks spoiling the rumble. Conflicting interests and old habits will cause these combatants to lose sight of their true goal: ridding the world of the red menace that is Carrot Top.

Han Solo, having aged very poorly, will likely spend the entire length of the battle rescuing stranded mountaineers with the Millenium Falcon and gruffly boasting of his heroics during the ensuing media frenzy.

Gandalf, hobbit fetishist that he is, will almost certainly become enamored with the small stature of the Muppets, Mario, and Dark Helmet. He will entrust them with the care of the One Ring and they will set out on a journey of magic and intrigue. Animal will likely become obsessed with the Ring, bellowing "PRECIOUS! PRECIOUS! PRECIOUS!" and leading the doomed adventurers into deepest, darkest Morgoth. There orcs and demons will feast upon the group's steaming (or in some cases, fluffy) entrails, thus robbing the world of several puppets, the wielder of Narya, the wielder of the Schwartz, and one turtle-hating Italian plumber.

Bond and Bender will succumb to their own alcoholism, instead boozing it up together in Monte Carlo, and spending the fight sleeping it off in a gutter, shaken, not stirred.

This will leave only Bugs Bunny, who will have missed all of this chaos by hours, having taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque. He will invariably launch into an immediate flurry of snide remarks, cross-dressing, and anvil dropping that will end in the undoing of his gangly foe. And the peasants will rejoice.

- Sugarbeard the Pirate Pimp

I realized something today. Each of these competitor's motivation is just to kill Carrot Top. Well, Solo wants the cash, but everyone else just wants to pummel this comedian. What, I'm getting at is, there isn't going to be a huge battle of epic proportions. We won't see a Pigs In Space/Millennium Falcon/Spaceballs dogfight. Mario won't jump on Bond's head, Gandal won't melt Bender with a fire spell, and Bugs Bunny...well, he'll get stuck at Albuequerque, but he'll be back.

No, after everyone agrees Solo can keep the cash, since only he wants it, we'll see eight of the finest competitors in Grudge Match lore team up to tear the world's worst comic a new one. Solo and Bond will shoot him. Bugs will drop an anvil. Mario's fire flower will set his 'do ablaze. Bender will bend his face. Dark Helmet will Schwartz his...schwartz, and, for a while, he'll replace Beaker in Professor Melon's experiments. And if he should die early, Gandalf will reraise him to prolong the fun.

And I'll think to myself...what a wonderful world.

- Devin the Mental Hospital Escapee (You know that'd be better than a battle!)

Bender has the Rage 2.0(tm). Yes, his rage(tm) was upgraded this season when Mom(r) had him upgrade because of x-1. Bender was a great killer before the upgrade... imagine how much better he'll be AFTER. Bender drinks, smokes and kills. He's got Mentos(tm) level coolness. He's cooler and more edgey then Bond; Han has been wussified by Lucas by being made to shoot second; and Gandalf's nothing without his posse. All the rest are 'also rans' as none of them kills. Never! and we all know that Carrot Top needs a killing that only a Bending unit could provide. In conclusion Carrot Top's last sight will be Bender's Shiney Metal Ass.

- Drew Harris

It was mentioned that the evil carrot-top had a base on the moon, and stupid as he is, he's gonna hole up there to avoid being killed. This effectively stops the muppet show, bugs bunny, and gandolf, who have no access to space age technology. (Not even Gandolf can survive in outer space) This leaves Mario (who can appear in any toilet at any time, even ones on the moon space base), and Han Solo, Bender, Spaceballs,and James Bond. Here is where the various (assassions?) will attempt their kill. Mario: Gets lost in the sewers. Eventually his skeleton is discoved by the Ninja Turtles. Bender: Please....can't read map and ends up on Pluto. James Bond: Spends so much time trying to sneak quietly into the space base that Han Solo and the Space Balls manage to raze the base to the ground with lazer fire. Han Sola exits to claim his reward, while Darth Helmet carves his name into the moon with energy cannons. And a good time was had by all.

- Zombiemaster

This is a pretty damn close match, but I've gotta say Mario wins. I mean, he's got Yoshi. Basically all ya gotta do is jump on the green dinosaur's back, punch him in the back of the head and he'll swallow down all your opponents, depending on which mario your thinking anything eaten by yoshi is completely gone, or he'll crap it out in an egg. Whoo everyones stuck inside eggs. Someone attacks mario? Well Yoshi spazzes out and runs away but Mario eventually catches him again. Besides you can't even kill Mario. I'm sure the guy would have gone munchin down as many of them green 1up mushrooms before the fight, so even if you do kill him he's immediately right back kicken your sorry butt with a plunger.

- Lacy

Han Solo is in his environment here, he knows everything about his opponents from his friends in the star wars universe. Think about it... James Bond: Cool, suave, smooth with the ladies- Lando. Bender: Doofy robot who doesn't seem to get it half the time - C3PO Mario: Short funny looking guy who gets strange powers- Luke. Muppets: Numerous small fuzzy creatures who come through in a pinch- Ewoks. Spaceballs: C'mon, is it any more obvious- The Empire. Gandalf: Old mystical wizard type- Obi Wan. Bugs: Tall furry guy- Chewbacca. He knows everything he needs to about these guys, he'll finish the job faster than the Kessel Run.

- Desh

Alright, as impressive as all the Champions are in this, the clear victor is, sadly, not getting the votes. What is undoubtably being ignored by the other voters is the very prop-heavy nature of both the villain and the contestants. At least, most of the contestants. so, clearly, it comes down to prop usage, and nobody beats a Warner Brothers Cartoon(tm) when it comes to prop usage. Not when Dark Helmet is so easily foiled by rasberry jam. Definitely the terminally chaotic Muppets, or Han Solo flying solo (no wookie? no party!). Gandalf's got High Wizardry(tm) but zero Acme(tm) products, so my money's on the bunny proffering him Exploding Pipeweed(tm) and sending him on another spiritual jouney through the ether. Mario and Bender both have a fair grasp on weilding monkey-smashing hammers and futuristic beer-related gadgets, but thats not getting either of them to the Moon.

Which leaves the aging Brit, who's Bugs' real competition here. But, lucky for our intrepid hero, Bond's equipment, however ridiculous, is limited by Science(tm), where Bugs can do anything thats funny. ANYTHING, including teleportation, walking into painted scenes, and most importantly, MURDERIZING CARROTTOP! Worst comes to worst, Bugs can always break out the Super-Vitamized Carrots (Patent Pending) and easily clean up the would-be supervillain with some Golden-Age style superheroing. Needless to say, when the dust settles, its everybody's favorite rabbit by a hare.

- mft79

This is such an incredible match that I just had to call my brother and tell him to check it out. He still owes me five bucks so I pick up the phone and dial 0 to call him collect. My doorbell rings. I open the door and Carrot Top prances in, kicking the door shut behind him. He says "Don't dial operator for collect calls! Dial 1-800-C-A-L-L-A-T-T and save your friend some money! Look! Right up the middle! 1-800-C-A-L-L-A-T-T!" The front door explodes into splinters as Mr T crashes thru it. He yells "SHUT UP FOOL! DIAL 1-800-COLLECT!" and proceeds to stomp Carrot Top into a bloody pulp. Match cancelled due to divine intervention.

- Trickster


This is a competition to see who can kill Carrot Top first? Where do I sign up?

- Old HickDonald

If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:

WWWF Tournament Of Champions VI: The Running Men
WWWF Tournament Of Champions III: HalTron
WWWF Tournament Of Champions I: Escape from the Death Star

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Next Match: Coleman vs. Webster... supersized!
ETA: Monday, August 11th, 2003

© 2003, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC