Previously on the Grudge-lorette
Snow White, a princess whose heart was broken on TV's the Rolanda Show, has returned once again to tasteless television programming in search of her new prince. Now, for only the third time ever on the Grudge Match, a chick is in charge! After a series of group dates and time alone with each bachelor, Snow White reduced the field of 24 bachelors to fifteen, and then to eight:
Through a series of vignettes, Snow White describes each of the remaining bachelors
Chewbacca - "Chewie acts all tough in front of the other bachelors, but on our dates, he showed me that he's more than a furball with firearms. He's traveled so much; I'd love to have him show me new and exciting places. He's also really gentle and kind-hearted. He hasn't once tried to rip my arms out."
John McClane - "What can I say? He's a cop. What woman doesn't love a man in uniform? John is sexy and he doesn't let anything get him down or stand in his way. When I'm in his arms, it feels so right and so safe. Sure, he's got this on-again-off-again thing with his estranged wife, but I think I can change him."
Grim Reaper - "Grim has been a perfect gentleman. Unlike some of the other bachelors, he hasn't tried to touch me once. To be honest, I offered Grim a rose because he's so mysterious... I like the tall, dark, and quiet type. And he reminds me of someone I flirted with just before I met my ex. I'm just dying to get to know him better."
Bart Simpson - "My friends would think he's a little young for me, but we have so much fun on our dates. That's what's so great about Bart, he's all about having fun and making sure I enjoy myself. When we're together, we connect like a pair of carefree kids, and the age thing doesn't matter. I mean, if Michael Jackson and Jerry Seinfeld can do it, why not me?"
Borg Drohn - "When Borg offered me that cool techno-tiara, and told me that he was anxious to have me Meet His Folks (he used the words cube, assimilate and collective, but I knew what he meant), I was scared and excited at the same time, because that means he's really serious. Plus, with a name like Drohn, and with his stiff, mechanical ways, I think he must be from Germany originally. I've always had a thing for Eurotrash."
Midgets - "Their bodies might be small, but their hearts are so big. Because there are seven of them, collectively they are everything I'm looking for in a relationship. When I'm with them, I am reminded of my younger days. If I end up choosing the midgets, I don't know how people will react to a polyamorous arrangement. We may have to move to Utah."
Tasmanian Devil - "A sense of humor is so important in a relationship, and Taz is the comedian of the group. He caught my eye on the first night, when he devoured the wooden acting talents of Keanu Reeves and William Shatner. Sometimes, he's hard to read and I don't know what he's thinking, but I sense that we've bonded."
Montgomery Burns - "The final rose came down to an agonizing decision between two guys who have offered me so many expensive gifts. I thought Monty was a little too old for me and that he was only interested in me because of my celebrity. But it turns out that Joe Camel was a fake millionaire! I'll take the legit billionaire, thank you."
With eight committed bachelors competing for one amazing princess, there's bound to be trouble and egos will be shattered! Who will Snow White ultimately choose as the man of her dreams? How much backstabbing (real and symbolic) will we see when Snow White isn't around? Will she propose, and will he accept? How will the brokenhearted react? Find out on the Grudge-lorette...
Chewbacca
vs.
Midgets
vs.
Tasmanian Devil
vs.
Bart Simpson
vs.
Grim Reaper
vs.
John McClane
vs.
C. Montgomery Burns
vs.
Borg
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Television has always cannibalized itself for ideas. Every major hit inspires a slew of imitators, and this has never been more true than in this modern age of "reality" TV. Why, even The Grudge-lorette is just a spin-off of last years surprise ratings bonanza The Grudgelor. (Speaking of which, Duke Nukem and the Spice Girls recently broke up, but who didn't see it coming? It'll take more than five women to get the Dukester to finally settle down.) I predict that this competition will prove to be Grim's Fairy Tale as the Reaper sweeps the competition, but the "losers" of this latest contest of national voyeurism and relationship humiliation need not worry, as they're guaranteed to be booked for slots on new reality shows that are in the works even as I write this!
In an effort to cash in on the success of The Osbournes, Showtime has signed up an even more dysfunctional family! Every time things settle down, the arguments end and it looks like they might have a nice quiet evening in, the men with guns show up! This Fall on, The McClanes.
In the latest salvo in reality TV's ongoing effort to explore every variation on every halfway decent idea possible, the WB has signed Taz and Chewie to join Bigfoot, Captain Caveman and Ron Jeremy for their upcoming presentation of, The Fur-real Life.
Thanks to the wonders of makeup and acting lessons, twenty beautiful women from around the world will compete for the hand of a handsome, dashing underwear model with no clue that he's actually C. Montgomery Burns on FOX's Joe Not-An-Evil-Octogenarian-Billionaire.
Bart Simpson will become the first contestant on American Idol to be eliminated twice after he's voted off by the judges, and then retroactively disqualified after the officials learn of his recording of Do the Bartman.
The midget's post-Grudge-lorette celebrity will score them a very special role in the upcoming Man Vs. Beast 2 eating contest between the world's fattest man and a giant anaconda! They'll be missed...
It's Drone vs. Zombie as FOX's ratings take a much deserved nosedive on this spectacularly uneventful edition of Celebrity Boxing
- Don "King" Milliken
I would normally have gone immediately for the midgets, but then I noticed something: you stated that there were only seven midgets. As everyone knows it takes at least a dozen Little People to achieve critical mass, and the more the merrier (as their previous appearance proved). So I had to look at the contenders again.
I decided that the best way to go is to check out how lucky all the other contestants have been. Since Taz, Chewie, Bart, Borg, and Burns barely even register, they're all non-players. So John McClane LOOKS like the winner, but closer inspection reveals that the Grim Reaper is really the only possible winner. You see, the studly skeleton's got the unique honor of having spent quality time with every single chick in history. If they're still alive, well, they'll have their chance soon enough. Grim's shown all those lovely ladies the time of their lives. Ms. White is coming out of this with one hell of a guy...
- Thought Police
"When we rule out the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be true." -- Mr. Spock
Elimination by exclusion. Snow White has proven she'll drop anyone under four feet tall for any Prince Charming who comes along (Good- bye Midgets, Taz, Bart, and John McClane). She's already shown that death doesn't become her, after that whole Poison Apple thing (Death, you've been Melvined!) So that just leaves Chewbacca, the Borg Drone, and Monty Burns. Just as she's about to decide, Chewbacca pulls off his head-peice, revealing none other than... Chuck Barris! He turns, pops Monty and the Borg with a pair of well-placed slugs from his Glock, slaps the operators of Grudge-Match with a Federal injunction to prevent them from ripping off any of his game show formulas (Dating Game, Newlywed Game, Gong Show, $1.98 Beauty Show) in the future, and tosses Snow over his shoulder, and runs out the door to the tune of "The Dating Game" while Rip Taylor throws confetti on a confused Brian and Steve.
- Dr. Stones
burns got the money, but Snows a disney bitch and is aready loaded, so, unless she's blown it all her money on Nose snow, she aint going to be going with him. the midgets and taz are out cause im going to bet that somewhere in her disney contract, there are clauses there that say that she can't have sex with a group, midgets, and animals, just so they don't have her good name ruined with the pics all over the internet.
Bart Simpson?? please!! although its every young man's fanatacy to bang a disney cartoon carator, mine mostly being Arial the mermaid, he's not going to get anywhere with her do to the burnout of all the other horny middle school boys that go to disney world and give her the same offer. so, now that leaves us with 4 guys left to go on the private dates with. she goes out with the Grim Reaper goes out first, but the lack of physical touching, the funky smell, and everything seeming to whilt all around them when they go out for a walk.
next up is the borg drone, but he gets the ax quickly when he tries to get to some assimilation in before the night is over. just for good measure, the grim reaper adds him to his "collective", and lets him keep the title of the Universe's Most Relentless S.O.B. next out of the gate is John McClane. yeah, he does have the whole man in uniform thing going for him, but he kept getting calls from his ex-wife and snow white just sees that he has too much baggage to have to deal with.
last but not least, is Chewbacca. he's traveled, seen a lot of things, and he's got really big feet, what woman doesnt like that!!! hey, i'm 6'4", gotta give props to the big man here!!!
- BIGMRG74 --- big booty daddy of gvsu!!
Taz will win easily. He has no manners. He treats everyone poorly. He slobbers. His personal hygene is a total joke. He hasn't even mastered monosylobic communication. He always tries to intimidate everyone he meets but is so inept that he can't even bring home a rabbit. He doesn't have a steady job.
Ms. White will inevetably think, "I just KNOW I can be that one woman that changes his life." This is followed by a sigh and a mental list of imagined "qualities" that she thinks lurk beneath this uncivilised vineer.
Maybe I'm just a little bitter, but this seems to be the inevitable conclusion.
- Khorboth
Round One-
McClane v. Burns- McClane is the greatest action hero ever, Burns is 102 and as impotent as a Nevada boxing commisioner. McClane in 3 seconds.
Midgets v. Grim Reaper- seeing how the midgets are mortal and small, they can't beat the bringer of death, so this is also a no contest.
Borg v. Bart- Bart really can't annoy the Borg, and they're immune to his slingshot and spray paint. He won't be assimilated, because he's too quick, but running away doesn't exactly equal a win.
Chewbacca v. Taz- Chewbacca is a 7-foot tall, much stronger and smarter version of Taz with a huge gun. I doubt he would get outsmarted by a talking rabbit. (sorry to insult the uberbunny) Taz can't spin his way out of this one.
Round 2-
McClane v. Grim Reaper- Again a human against the bringer of death. sorry but it's about time for McClane to Die Hard. (get it???)
Chewbacca v. Borg- The Borg are only immune to lazer weapons, not having thier arms ripped off. I mean if Worf can take them down in hand-to-hand combat, Chewie can turn them into a pretzel.
Final Match- Chwebacca v. Grim Reaper- Chewie will win simply because on top of already being somewhere around 200 years old, to him there is no reaper. The reaper is a figure created by humans of our galaxy. Not Wookies of a galaxy far, far away. So the reaper isn't there so he will just go away defeated. Chewie is champion.
- Evil homer
G-ette Diary, Feb. 9
Chewie and Taz got into a really bad fight. Taz got so angry, he just
whirled his way out of my life, deciding it wasn't worth the
hassle of "Spprrllllrrachhbsfnnsssthtthppphhttt" as he put it.
Ooooh-kay. Chewie was moaning and groaning and bleeding in
several places. A rather intriguing hunky fellow landed his saucer
ship and came to pick him up. Too bad he came with his wife and
kids. I would've otherwise tried to let him be a contender.
Diary, Feb. 11 Down to Bart, G.R., and John McClane now.
Seems Bart and John have a long history of avoiding Grim Reaper. I
ended up booting the Reaper out for his now irritating silence
and lack of social graces. Was still a very hard decision - he
intrigued me so.
Diary, Feb. 14 Valentine's Day Still Sucks!
I'm a bad, bad, bad, mean, terrible princess! Didn't want to break
his heart, but I let Bart go for his own good. I just couldn't
see any good possibilities in hooking up with him.
For some reason, I'm feeling very frightened and threatened, and I
know /dreamy sigh\ John is the one who will protect me no matter what.
I know he's had divorce problems, but that's ok; he hasn't had a real
princess yet.
- S. Crumb 42
Next up is Chewbacca. When she invites him to tell her something about himself, he brags about defeating Worf. After she eventually figures out what he said, she rejects him. Beating Star Trek is like beating the '62 Mets or the '76 Buccaneers. It's so easy it isn't anything to brag over.
The midgets she has no romantic feelings for; she cared for those dwarfs like her kids, not her lovers.
She is seriously considering the Borg until he unexpectedly says he has to regenerate and spontaneously goes to sleep. She slips a rose into one of the many coils along his clothing. ("Excellent," Burns says from a nearby computer console.)
Taz is exceptionally speedy in anything. Snow White will realize she likes a man who takes his time in some matters.
Bart Simpson: see midgets.
Monty Burns is a contender until he shows her his mansion. Snow White excuses herself to go to the powder room. But she gets lost in the huge building, and wanders into a closet. Next thing you know, Burns' wardrobe is enough to make her run screaming.
Which leaves us with John McClane. She is impressed by his hunkiness in that white tank top, and his manly use of "Yippeekayay." Plus, John is the only contestant with THE RAGE(TM). He needs it to take on the opponents he has. He is still seething over the Demi Moore divorce. And he's never gotten over the box-office reception Hudson Hawk got. If all that doesn't give you THE RAGE(TM), then what will?
- mtk1701 (Snow, baby, why wasn't I in the running?)
- Mixmaster Flibble - Hot, in charge, and ready to rock
- Cee Macca
- They Might Be Matt
The next round was cut short by the unexpecetd death of Mr. Burns and the midgets were apparently kidnapped. The only clue was small pieces of coal and seven drarf hats and a jealousy note (we all know who was behind this).
To decide the winner, Snow White told the contestant whoever brings back the most guilty dwarves will win her hand in marriage. Taz killed six of them when he stormed passed them. One survived. Dopey was off wondering somewhere. Bart got him and won Snow White's affection.
Two weeks later Snow White was arrested.
- Brian C
But, I feel as though I should be more thorough. So, I will proceed to list the problems with all of the other contestants...as Snow would be likely to see them. Namely, by comparing them to characters from other fairy tales.
CHEWBACCA and TAZ: Both could be mistaken for the Big Bad Wolf. You know, the same wolf who has a criminal record for breaking and entering, matricide, impersonating the elderly (and soliciting a minor in said guise) and destruction of the wildlife habitats for three innocent swine ON HIS OFF DAY. Snow may have a thing for "bad boys", but DAMN.
JOHN MCCLANE: It's Prince Charming (TM) all over again, sans the Charm (TM) and plus a whole lotta sweat, grime, monosyllabic mumbling and a lovely Wife Beater (TM courtesy of Slim Shady Boutiques) to boot. NEXT.
MIDGETS: PLEASE. I'd THINK Snow would have had QUITE her fill of dwarves by now. She probably still has nightmares of Dopey trying to hump her leg. If not, then her obsession with yodeling little people is bordering on a fetish, and she should seek counseling.
BART SIMPSON: Hrm. Rumplestiltskin comes to mind, and Snow strikes me as the sort of person who would RUN her own sweatshop, not be forced to work in one. Besides, if I remember correctly, Bart died the last time he ventured into Fairy Tale land. Just watch the latest Simpsons Treehouse of Horror and you'll see how.
BORG: Reminds me of the Tin Woodsman from the Wizard of Oz. Everybody now: If I only had a heart...
MONTY BURNS: Perhaps the least likely candidate of all. Burns resembles any number of crusty, drooling, maiden-kidnapping "You will marry me by dawn or die" old leches as common to fairy tales as "once upon a time". His name ain't Humperdink, her name ain't Anna Nicole. Comprende?
Go Death! Chicks dig the "Goth" look, anyhow...
- RoboGoober Version 2
Montgomery Burns vs. Bart: This obvious match will come to an obvious conclusion, which is that viagra is superior to pre-teen hormones. Truly, the pill is mightier than the sword.
Chewbacca vs. Borg: This is as classic as butter on a baked potato. We all know how Star Wars fairs against trek..."set weapons on suicide...Damnit Jim, im a trekkie not a Jedi!...resistance of Star Wars is futile..." as so on. Trek loses faster than than the three seconds it took me to hate Jar Jar.
Midgets vs. Tasmanian Devil: With midgets obviously representing the seven drawfs, this is Disney vs. Warner brothers. I'll never forgive Disney for giving the spinnin vortex of bloody doom that is "beauty and the beast"
Death vs. his job: How can he have time to date when there are so many souls to take? "Two out of three?.....Damn right!'
Which leaves us with John McClane. His victory can be seen in the movie "Die Hard 4: die with a smile on his face after a night with Snow White"
- "Ho Ho Ho, now I have tagged a Disney chick!"~NoLimitJay
Mr. Burns is the Nerd (like Spock, Q, Dr. Evil, MacGuyver and George W. Bush). Nerds can actually win TOCs, but only with a national army backing them up. Burns can "release the hounds", but I think Taz and Chewie could take them easily. Besides, if Snow White and Burns got together, people would mistake it for the Anna Nicole Smith Show. Ratings suicide.
Bart Simpson is the Wisecracker (like Mike and the bots, The Tick, The Joker, Hannibal Lector and Austin Powers). After initial success, the Wisecrackers' appeal has collapsed. Besides, could you imagine Bart winning ANY girl's heart? Hardly.
Chewbacca is the Ostracized, Much-Speculated Entity (like Godzilla, Batman, the X-Men, the Death Star, and Marvin). Normally, I'd go with Chewie, but as many of you may know, Chewie is already married. If hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, what about a female Wookiee? Chewie's only chance at avoiding castration (at the very least) is to duck out immediately.
The Midgets are the Underdogs (like the Hooligans, Dilbert, Stephen Hawking, the Rottweiler and Cookie Monster). Underdogs don't win here. It's in their nature.
The Borg are the Black-Suited Bad-***es (like the Men in Black, the Blues Brothers, Mad Max, and the Terminator [twice]). These guys don't win either, and the Borg are lost in a romantic competition. The Borg Queen has the hots for Data, for crying out loud!
John McClane is the Man of Action (like Boba Fett, Duke Nukem, Jackie Chan, Mr. T, and the Crocodile Hunter). While these guys have two victories, you'll notice it's only when they are UNARMED. John's gun is his downfall. No yippie-ki-yay this time.
The Grim Reaper is the Robed Supernatural-Powered Entity (like Death [himself], Darth Maul, Emperor Palpatine, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Moses). These guys don't win, because it's more fun to figure out creative ways to defeat them. Besides, Death is a life-long virgin (as Mike and the bots pointed out in TOC IV), and you can't permanently kill most cartoon characters anyway. Grimmy would have more luck with Bambi's mother.
Finally, Taz has Different Moral Standards (like King Arthur, Yoda, Hobbes, Khan, and Calvin). There's a reason these competitors have a victory and two close second-place finishes: Yoda was the ideal Survivor contestant and Calvin & Hobbes have loyal fan followings. Taz is the best of both worlds: rabid fans (some literally, I think) and a great bachelor (the divorce with Mrs. Taz was ugly and he's ready on the rebound). Who could stand up to the whirling eddy of pure testosterone that is Taz? Nobody! Score one for the Woodland Creature.
... until he realizes that this show was actually "Joe Princess", and Snow White was Imelda Marcos in disguise. But that's another story...
- Oxymoron ("@#$%#@%#^*@#$!")
- Emmy the Homicidal Maniac (You can call me Mmy!)
This time it looks as though our sweaty lead male is pushed out by a bunch of midgets (ugh... porn acting flashback...). Anyways, all jokes and repressed memories aside, it really looks like Snow White may pick the shorties. However, as any self-respecting role-playing geek knows, midgets are not dwarves. They're halflings. I mean, come on. Everyone knows midgets have hairy feet. Don't believe me? Ask one!
The rest of the competition is a joke... except for one outstanding contender. He and Miss White have a past, and she keeps running back to him over and over. There's no way she can resist him now, here in the flesh... so to speak. Yes, I am of course talking about the one, the only... DEATH! No question, ol' Grim's got this one in the bag. I mean, let's look at the facts:
1)Snow White is almost magically attracted to dying, and, by association, Death himself.
- "Oo, a corset! Fun!" *Die!*
- "Oo, a comb! Fun!" *Bite it!*
- "Oo, an apple! Fun!" *Blarg! I am dead!*
2)Snow White has a thing for creepy, mysterious men.
- "Oh, hello random necropheliac stranger who kissed my dead body! Let's get married!"
3)Snow White is way less hot than Sleeping Beauty.
- This has nothing to do with anything, but I needed to round off these numbers. Plus, it's true.
So, it is quite obvious that Snow White will rush back into the waiting arms of her skeletal boyfriend to be, will promptly die, and our buddy Grim will heave a sigh and bring her back... again.
- Shadowmeld
- The Sherlock Of Doom, only one of The Hooligan Of Doom's Multiple Personalities (come on decleration of insanity so I can be an escapee too!)
I see Snow White making a series of three decisions, each based on something i have learned or been told, about "what women want".
The first is a simple one. To quote Good Charlotte, "Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money". Obviously, that rules out Bart, Taz, and the Borg, for none of them can drive (and even if he could, the Borg Cube isn't as stylish a ride as Snow White would ride in, believe you me- try gettin a chick with an 86 Chevy Cavalier... but i digress).
The second is also quite basic. As much as women SAY they want someone who cares about them... they don't. So that gets rid of chewie easily.
This leaves The Grim Reaper, John McClane, The Midgets, Monty as the only bachelors left. McClane is immediately out of it when, on their final date, he has to rush out and save something from terrorists, or the dark side, or whatever (unfortunately, the show's producers scheduled their date for Christmas Eve). The Midgets get eliminated because Snow White has already done the whole "living with 7 midgets" thing, and she didn't like all the singing.
So our finalists are the Reaper, and Monty Burns. Now if there is one thing i know about women, it's that they like guys who are tall, dark, and handsome. And who is taller and darker than the Reaper? No one, that's who.
So Snow White and The Grim Reaper embrace on the final show, but Snow White has a secret she didn't tell him, that she couldn't tell him, not until the end. Grim looks upon her awestruck as, like those Pepsi Twist (tm) commercials, she unzips her face and transforms into... (insert dramatic drumroll here)...
JOE MILLIONARE (tm)! Grim throws himself a cliff, destraught about facing his heterosexuality, Joe goes back to whatever floosie he wants this week, and Fox TV executives laugh all the way to the bank.
- Ryan Neilan
Which means some of the contestants are already out of luck. The Midgets, Chewbacca, and John McClane all leave early. Finding out there were only 5 left, Death proceeded to high five Borg, he went limp and was carried off the set. Which left 4 contestants. So which one is truly the most evil?
Taz- He shows how evil he is by continuing to eat and destroy trees and small animals despite PETA's bitching. Standing up to PETA, THE most evil corporation outside of Florida, REALLY makes you evil. Bonus points for Taz.
Monty- VERY evil. Runs unsafe nuclear power plant, owns countless pairs opf fur clothes, and has even stolen 1 trillion dollars. Only downfall si that he employs Carl, showing he is an equal opputunity employer, and lowering his evil rating.
Bart- Instantly disqualified for wanting to save puppies. I mean, Burns was gonna make a real bad-ass coat out of em too. All they were gonna do was get all big and ugly and poop everywhere. Sorry Bart, maybe we'll let you can be on Celebrity Survivor, with all the other people who are only semi-evil.
Death- He is truly the most evil. Why? Not because of the people he kills, but because of the people he REFUSES to kill. Like Anna Nicole Smith, Michael Jackson, that jackass from "American Idol" and the people who run FOX. Definitely they most evil, definitely the winner.
- Spooner *Smartest Man alive, *
- Spamboy (I once tried to understand women and they only let me out of the strait-jacket last week)
- Kramertim
He can hire a bounty hunter to capture Chewie easily enough, and a nice poacher to give him a tazmainian devil skin rug for his study. Bart Simpson poses no threat, because Burns will can Homer's ass if Bart interferes with the contest. John McClane will find himself facing another horde of privately funded terrorists with horrible eastern european accents, ostensibly led by Ranier Wolfcastle. Smithers will broker a deal with the borg, where they're allowed to assimilate all the midgets for amusement. Burns then betrays Smithers' trust by selling his soul to the Reaper in exchange for Snow White.
- Master Baster
This means the match (or at least this response) will invoke any and all Disney references, no matter how tenuous. Kinda sad; I'd rather have DC superheroes instead (Vertigo being from DC). On to the match; I would like to focus on Burns and Grim Reaper here.
Burns is a crotchety black-hearted old bastard, 'nuff said. He left a poor window washer hanging for dear life. He earned a young girl's trust only to break her idealism and the bodies of thousands of marine creatures. He once tried to block out the sun! Does this guy even have a heart?! Of course.....Burns lacks a heart; how else can he do all these malevolent things and NOT get heart attacks at such an old age? Mr. Burns is HEARTLESS.
The Grim Reaper is Death personified. He is the manifestion of that inevitable obvilion that gets us all in the end, regardless of our accomplishments, our desires for the future. He is Apathy and Nothingness. He is the antithesis of Life and Hope...and Heart. That and his incorporeal body doesn't have organs anyway. The Grim Reaper is HEARTLESS.
Snow White is a princess. In addition, her movie is highly associated with lawful-good ideals of love, hope, innocence, and romance, stuff Disney is notorious for. Snow White is a PRINCESS OF HEART.
What are Burns and Death trying to accomplish with Snow White in this match? Win her over, sweep her off her feet, date her, court her..... In short, THEY ARE TRYING TO TAKE AWAY HER HEART!! If this isn't a Kingdom Hearts (TM) scenario, I don't know what is. Looks like this match isn't so Simple and Clean(TM) anymore (heh).
Expect Sora, Donald, and Goofy to appear and whack Burns and Grim Reaper upside the head with the Keyblade. Expect Burns and Grimmy to dissolve into lots green, old, and clear balls. Expect Snow White to finally choose surprise contestant Sora over the others. Expect Sora to decline, as he's too busy searching for Kairi and the Keyholes for a relationship. Expect Snow White to select Bart as runner up, as Bart is the only other kid.
If Sora doesn't appear, consider this: Bart has spiky hair. In addtion, he is an annoying kid with lots of faults, with we love him anyway. Did I mention the spiky hair? Bart is the closest subsistute to Sora (or any Square hero) thereof, and with Milhouse acting as Donald and Cletus as Goofy, expect him to whack Burns and Grimmy upside the head with a Buster Sword....errr, I mean skateboard.
Either way, Bart Simpson wins! All thanks to tenaous Squaresoft references by means of tenaous Disney references! I feel better about the lack of superheroes already.
- Katrover Swatroad
- Noble "Durendal" Brown
- Mistress Heather, Keeper of the Dungeon
What are the other contestants doing during this massacre? Well, without Smithers to look after him, Monty Burns is having trouble coping on his own. With no flunkies and yes-men to order about, he is reduced to wandering around with a Dopey(tm) expression on his face trying to find out the difference between catsup and ketchup. The Grim Reaper isn't really in the running; sure, Snow White finds him mysterious, but that tall dark and quiet thing just tells me that he's too Bashful(tm) to marry a princess; he could never handle the media attention.
The midgets, meanwhile, are getting organised. They have decided to elect their own champion, a giant among midgets. Their chosen spokesman is a medical man, because every girl's mother tells her to marry a doctor, right? The Doc(tm) plans to woo Snow White himself, winning her heart to take back to his vertically-challenged Mormon brethren.
Bart Simpson's mind really isn't on the task at hand. He is having far too much fun being away from home; he is Happy(tm) to be away from his parents, as he gets to stay up late and watch cable TV. Plus, Snow White's Enchanted Forest is a great place for skateboarding. The Borg Drone doesn't really share Bart's enthusiasm for the Forest, though. He is feeling a bit under the weather. He is an alien, after all, and H.G. Wells taught us that when coming to Earth aliens are particularly vulnerable to the common cold. It's no wonder the Borg is feeling a little Sneezy(tm).
That leaves only one contestant; John McClane. Now, putting aside the fact that he is already married (who suggested this match, Polygamist's Weekly?), this man can hardly be expected to perform well in this fight. He has had to climb exploding skyscrapers, jump on exploding planes, run around an exploding city and escape an exploding Death Star (detecting a theme here?). What more can you ask of the poor man? Let him rest! After all that he is bound to be feeling rather Sleepy(tm).
You know, there isn't really a clear winner out of the seven remaining contestants. We need a True Champion, a man of enormous stature who dwarfs all before him. Who can this man be? None other than Mr. T, of course! I pity the fool who can't see that. When he arrives, dressed in the fine jewellry that a princess has come to expect, it's all over for Taz, Monty, the Midgets, Bart, Grim, the Drone and McClane, because everybody knows you can throw a dwarf helluva far. Mr. T is the winner!
Oh. I've got to pick one of the contestants on the list? OK then. Bart Simpson wins the First Annual Enchanted Forest Dwarf Tossing Championship after being thrown helluva farther than anyone else.
- Duc de Nevers
odds that that person will also be a rabid vote-stuffer: 45 to 1
odds on somebody sending in that picture of snow white in the orgy with the seven dwarfs: 5 to 1
odds of somebody sending in a picture of bart simpson and monty burns double teaming snow white: 35 to 1
odds on somebody sending in a picture of snow white after she is assimilated and has seven of nine's implants: 8 to 1
odds of thinkmaster general paddling the canoe to any of the pictures sent in: EVEN MONEY
- CARTOON PORN STAR
Thanks for reminding us that Thinkmaster's annual porn intervention is overdue. - Eds.
8th- Borg. "Star Trek MUST Lose!" Must us Grudgies make that more clearer to you?
7th- John McClane. Sorry, but Death will see him as the biggest competetor to overcome and kill him on national TV
6th- Death. Arrested for killing on national TV
5th- Bart. First of all, he shouldn't be here in the first place, he a minor! Second, he will seem to chidish for Snow White, and he'll get the boot.
4th- Montgomery Burns. Snow White will either see him as the corrupt, evil, spawn-of-Satan that he is, or will think he's gay because he's always around the fruity Smithers. Either way, he's gone, and possibly dead after a heart attack.
3rd- Chewbacca. If Snow White want someone who's hairy, wild, and crazy, she'll pick Taz over Chewy any day (sorry fellow Star Wars fans, I like Chewy too, but he's probably not going to win.)
2nd- Taz. He would be my pick, if you didn't say something about 7 midgets. For God's sake, could you have made it any more OBVIOUS??? Snow White was BORN to mooch off 7 small men, in exchange for a little fun at night, if you catch my drift.
WINNER- 7 midgets, who's plaque will now be displayed next to Mr. T's and all other champions.
- The Geek Next Door
- Insert cool name here
- Grudge-Pops™: Guaranteed to douple your blood pressure
- Shaun The Other White Meat
- Kain
- CJS
In Round One, Mr.Burns was spotted trying to buy a 'love apple' from a suspicious looking old woman, who was swiftly ran off the scene by the other bachelors... After Bart Simpson unwittingly exposed the Billionare, Burns sustained 72 stab wounds in the back (See the Future episode of Lisa's Fortune-telling)and was carried off the scene and declared out of the contest...
John McClane dissapeared in Round Two, although no one was quite sure where he was, 7 hours later he returned with the head of the Borg Collective in one hand, and a battered old 9MM Which still had one bullet left in it and a tape of 'Die Hardest' which will soon be released in most major theaters. During this time, Bart Simpson convinced all of the midgets that they would have a contract with Disney if they were fast. Predictably, the midgets hit the road, jack, Further reducing the field of competition to 5 competitors
In Round three, Taz and Chewbacca, in their 9th hour of their incredable staredown, finally snapped between them, Resulting in what could have been a brawl that would wreck the entire set...Until Grim intervined and saved Snow white from certain mussiness with two cold touches. With 3 Competitors Remaining, Bart Simpson, The Grim Reaper and John McClane, McClane concentrated on being the rough-but-lovable unlucky cop, as Bart showed the reaper that he could pay him in a small collection of Souls-on-paper to go away. After a brief bargainning session, Bart gained control of the scythe, in exchange for Mr.Flanders soul, Finally prompting a final Duel between the Unluckiest cop in NYC and the toughest Kid This side of Evergreen Terrace.
Finally, in round four, the battle was Joined, But bart simpson could not stand up to McClane and the infamous Rage(tm) that he had garnered over the years, after being stuck into stupid situation after stupid situation. Distracted by a roaring 'Yippie-kai-yay!'(tm) Bart simpson went down with a bullet to the head, falling fifty feet from his place among the electronics where he had planned to nail McClane from above, after 20 seconds of Bullet Time where bart fell in good dramatic style (only to have his head taken off by Grim's scythe) McClane remains the last man Standing, and after a broken, Somewhat childish, but ultimately cool Lovespeech, he rides off into the Sunset with Snow white in hand, Hoping he can finally get out of his streak of wierd situations...
That is of course... Until the wedding....
- The Spy Jimmy
- Curious Beyond Limitation
- mighty tuff to chewie!
Eight bachelors there were
Seven bachelors there was
Six bachelors were there
Five bachelors exsisted
Four bachelors to pick
Three bachelors were left
Two bachelors remained
One bachelor won
And then, you can always depend on Monty Python!
- Killer B...I like pie...
So if Mom was out of the picture early on (they always are in fairy tales) and Dad is a presumably distant monarch who also died and left you in the care of your heartless, unnaturally young (and/or alive) stepmom who depends on a barely-animate lacky for unending fawning support and gets pleasure out of ordering the deaths of helpless minions...
She's gonna be ALL OVER Monty Burns, and when he inevitably tries to have her killed so he can rule over... uh, whatever kingdom it is... her friends can sit around eating Ben & Jerry's and say "I told you so."
Then she'll get back together with him and be mad at all her friends.
- Princess Whiny of Codependia
- maverick
- Safety Swami Pippin
Snow White re-enters the room, having gone out just five minutes before to powder her nose, to find all but one of her suitors dead. But being an optimistic sort of girl she decides that it will just making choosing her suitor easier. She approaches Death with the questions on her lips. "No," cries The Reaper. "None can withstand the touch of death!"
Nevertheless Snow White reaches out and takes a bony hand in hers. "Death can oblitorate many things, but it cannot destroy love. And now we will be together forever." They kiss gently.
Death smiles and then looks worried, "Did I mention that I'm a woman?"
- The Pancake Man
- Binnsa
1. Money = presents. Presents people! Lots of them. Big ones. Like that Desoto Firefly I've been begging for...
- Velvet Blood
- Old HickDonald
- Michael Moon
Chewbacca: Bestiality. Sentient or not, interspecies mating is
interspecies mating. This goes for the Tasmanian Devil as well.
But what about John McClane, you ask? He's a police officer, so he's bound by oath to take her in. In fact, this whole thing's probably a sting operation- putting a
counter-terrorist expert like John on vice squad duty is just the kind of
thing the Bloomberg administration would do.
- Mr. Silverback- Watch for Snow White II: Prison Princess, only on
Disney DVD.
- ex agent
Chewbacca - A career second banana. Second bananas never gets the chick.
- G-Man
Point 1) Snow White is depressed after her defeat. All the saccharine smiles won't convince me otherwise. Deep down, she's hurting. She knows that whatever she once had, she lost. She needs security.
Point 2) Montgomery Burns is rich. Filthy rich. In fact, he's so rich he doesn't *really* know what to do with it all. What he really wants is companionship.
Point 3) Monty is also deathly ill. If you recall (and I'm sure you do), his health is a balancing act of all the various disease he has. If anything new enters the equation, he'll die.
Point 4) The Anna Nicole Smith story. 'Nuff said.
Point 5) Snow White would most certainly qualify as "something new" in Monty's life.
I think it's obvious that she picks him, waits until he dies (or does the job herself), inherits all his money after a bitter lawsuit with Smithers, becomes fat as her youth fades away, then finally gets a low-rated TV show on Cable.
-Spectrum
Ok... Borg are out of the question... they might always understand her, but where's the love? Besides. How good a pickup line is 'Resistance if futile'? I'd give McClane a shot, but wouldn't those blood stains get to be a bit much, anyway? And Snow White got squeemish over seeing a knife. McClane's arsenal is enough to make George W. take a powder.
Bart's out, right on the hop. Disney wouldn't back a cradle-robber. And
with the new line of sequals comming out, Snow just can't give up a piece of
that pie... This midgets lose out right quick. Seven halfling perverts were
obviously too much for her in the first place.
Taz would care for Snow's wild side, and she'd never be bored, but comunication would hold these two love birds back. The Grim Reaper and Snow White had a short fling, during the dwarven years, but there can be no sex life, and the relationship would suffer for it.
Aside from being 100+, Burns has lost what chance at childeren he
could have by years upon years at the plant. Also, his one kid was kinda a
disapointment. No sex life here, folks, same problems.
Which all comes down to this: 'Wanna see the wookie?' Bingo. Tall, dark, and handsome, he's successful, rich, he always understands, doesn't talk too much, and
obviously takes pride in his personal grooming (Note the lack of body dreadlocs.)
-H-Kat
We know that C. Montgomery Burns has cheated the IRS (he only pays three dollars a year in taxes on his nuclear plant), and that he has also cheated death (he has
every disease known to modern medicine at once). So we can draw two conclusions
from this. A:he is dead or B:he is immortal and tax-resistant. He can't be dead
or else he wouldn't have cheated death which screws up my little equasion, so
he must be an immortal, tax-resistant cartoon character. What else could Snow
White be looking for?
Oh, and let's not forget Monty's special love
tonic, made from the pockets of a pocketfox. (which is extinct due to overhunting)
-The Voice of Reason....so what if i watch the Simpsons too much...
- Biff Justice
- Tom Murphy
John Mclane: Too ordinary for the fetish-laden geeks. Out of the bucket.
- i ain't a geek. I just know them.
- High Flyer
-Grim Reaper: Obviously a working-class type. Just look at that farming tool he carries around. Besides, The Seventh Seal showed that he's Swedish, and "Swedish Aristocrat" is an oxymoron, like "Bush Doctrine."
That leaves us with four competitors who really have a chance:
-Mr. Burns: His wealth and power will impress Snow White, and his evilness will be a nostalgic reminder of her stepmother. However, she won't be able to overlook the fact that he's of low birth -- remember, his parents were poor, and his brother was a cigar-smoking comedian.
- Captain Corcoran
Chewbacca: 58%
So McClane is clearly the winner. But this would have been pretty obvious even without the Calculator; I kind of doubt that Snow White is into bestiality, pedophilia, old guys, robot sex, or necrophilia, and the midgets will just give up after realizing they'll only get her one day a week.
And so I blatantly rip off my Silver-Grudgie-winning entry from the Barker-Dawson match. Pathetic, ain't it?
- The Amazing Rando~!
- Adam B.
- Joel the Gosarian
- Love is in the air, wait that's sulphur....
John Maclean: The man who took out highly prepared German terrorists, TWO elite army units (aboard a now smouldering 747), an army of gold theives and half of New York City and (drumroll please)...THE DEATH STAR.
After all his troubles, what does he come home to? If it's not a frigid wife who likes to treat him as a doormat after saving her life twice, then it's an empty NYC apartment where his only solace comes from a bottle of Southern Comfort. To quote from past grudge matches, the man must have the RAGE(tm) up the wazoo. DOESN'T HE DESERVE A LITTLE HAPPINESS?!?!
Go on Snow White - be the sunshine in his life.
- Lindz
The only contestant with access to a cute robot sidekick is Chewbacca. Unfortunately, Chewbacca is a sidekick, so he has a hard time using the robot as a sidekick. So, does anyone have a child sidekick? John McClane has one around often enough that he stands a real fighting chance against Monty Burns -- once he was even his own child sidekick. Especially if said child sidekick is able to invoke the supernatural.
Indestructible action hero vs. even more indestructible cartoon... the carnage will be immense. But since the maiden for whom they are striving is herself a toon, I think ol' Monty is going to be the one who ends up showing off the Snow White nude polaroids to his poker buddies.
- KP (and by the way, Kobeyashi is no proper sidekick, he is only a hireling)
- -spent years living with 7 waist high men and still pure as snow.. come on now...
- Bitter Psycho Girl
Who else is old? Oh, yeah, Monty Burns. He's so old, he probably has a copy of the 'Ye Olde Grudgeth Match' site on his CRAY mainframe in the basement of some English castle somewhere. And, in case you're wondering, his was the deciding vote in the match 'Lady of the Lake vs. Sabrina the Teenaged Witch' back in 1671.
Top that off with the fact that he's a billionare and could probably pay off the other candidates to forfeit their own chance at sleaze-TV stardom, -and- that he's been observed to seemingly come back from the dead on numerous occasions...well, I think we can see which way this should go.
Of course, Chewbacca's going to win in the end. Big fat hairy deal.
- Benjamin Massey
As my grandmother always said: "Once you've had little men, you never go back again."
- Answer Man
If you liked this match, check out these other past matches:
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Next Match: The past meets the future © 2003, Dragon Hamster Productions, LLC
Going for the goal
But Snow White hated Gang Banging
and so the midgets went back digging up coal.
Going for the dame
Turns out the Borg was a mama's boy
And couldn't handle the fame.
In this game they play
Burns transfered Homer Simpson
and Bart had to move away.
To steal the lady's heart
Snow White dismissed Mr. Burns
For what he did to Bart.
What a tough choice
The Grim Reaper was kicked out
Cause he had the most annoying voice.
Snow White was in a jam
She eliminated John McClane
Just because she can.
Both large hairy men.
Snow White pulled a name out of a hat
And it was the Taz-man!
Chewy pulled through
He de-gutted the devil
And now wears his fur for shoes.
. . .
Taken from "Monty Python's Meaning of Life.
Grim Reaper: You Americans! You have no balls!
The Grim Reaper isn't american.
Both women and men seek to replicate the familiar in their choice of
romantic partners. If Dad was totally overpowering and bossed you around, as an adult you're likely to go with someone who will do the same - it feels normal and
safe (you little wuss!)
man. this sucks. i love star wars, but i know its limitations. and john
McClane would tear chewie up. i know that it is a losing battle, but since i go to
a private Christian school, i know the power of prayer, so maybe truth will
prevail and we will see that becuase McClane is more Hardcore TM than all
the rest. the end.
The three things women are most attracted to are money, bad-boy attitudes,
and dark, brooding, souls-in-torment. A toss-up between Burns, Bart, and Death.
Snow White looks a good deal like Speed Racer, who constantly flirts with
Death.
12 dead creatures of all shapes and sizes lay in various positions on the
floor. They all have a twisted grimace on their still and lifeless faces.
The Grim Reaper looks up from his work "... and now," he points at the
remaining competitor "it is your time to die." The cyborg stares back at him
emotionless "death is irrelevant, you will be assimilated." However with one touch from death the borg's assimilating days are over.
Montgomery Burns, in a seeming display of sportsmanship, invites the other 7
contenders to his nuclear power plant for a private tour. After they are
"accidentally" locked in a uranium-filled chamber, he returns to Snow White
to claim victory and, in light of the "tragic and mysterious disappearance" of
the other contenders, offer a little comfort, Burns style.
Monty is over all the obvious choice. He has money, connections, no real
compassion or soul of any kind, and don't forget the pocket-fox aphrodisia.
This can all be pounded down into these extreamly perkful perks-
2. Connections = connections! There's not one well known Celebrity and millionare who hasn't visited Springfeild once. Hey Monty, hook me up Smashing Pumpkins.
3. No compassion, soul = Many, many enemies suddenly gone from your life. Finance department here I come...
4. Pocket-fox aphrodisia = Wild, old man sex. Ok.. not so perkful but you get the idea.
Snow White lived with seven dwarves. She obviously has a fetish. I'm
goin' with the midgets.
The Borg can either: Assimilate the judges and declare themselves winners.
Assimilate the other contestents and win no matter who wins. Assimilate the
audiance and rush the stage. Assimilate the people who use this site and
vote for themselves. The second choice makes the most sense.
You don't even have to watch any of these televised matchmaking atrocities
to know that "time alone" with each candidate is usually spent in a hot tub
and that "Reality Show Bachelorette" is a synonym for "easy." Snow White could
be open to criminal prosecution if she does what comes naturally...or
unnaturally, in this case. Intimacy with the bachelors could lead to the following
charges:
The Grim Reaper: Necrophilia, plus she'll be dead.
Bart Simpson: Three words: Mary Kay LeTourneau.
Borg Drohn: Probably qualifies as necrophilia, but in any case, there will be prosecution because it "just ain't right!"
Midgets: Having sex with a dwarf is no problem, but the words "seven midgets" "nubile young woman" and "carnal knowledge" are pretty sure to get someone sent to jail.
Monty Burns: Might be mistakenly prosecuted as necrophilia, and who could
blame them? Also, depending on where the match takes place, there may be old laws
on the books against gettin' busy with demonic minions of Satan.
ok, so youve put dwarves, cartoons, a muppet and STAR TREK against bruce
willis? Considering that death will want him to win so him and the princess
can breed more killers I see this as kind of lopsided.
McClane would win, here's why:
Midgets - Munchkins couldn't get Dorothy or even the wicked witch.
Tasmanian Devil - Taz couldn't even get Bugs Bunny in drag.
Bart Simpson - Couldn't get get Rosannes daughter and even Milhouse
had a better chance with Lisa than Bart does with Snow White.
Grim Reaper - Huh? Grim Reaper? Not only could he not beat Bill and Ted in any sort of contest, but he won't be able to beat any of the other contestants.
John McClane - Granted he usually only ends up with Mrs. McClane, but the cute car rental girl flirted with him and that's better than any of these other guys could do.
Montgomery Burns - Lost a woman to Abe Simpson for God's sakes.
Borg - The Borg couldn't even keep 7 of 9. Now way they can keep Snow of White.
It's pretty obvious from my side of things.
Chewbacca vs. C. Montgomery Burns
The only unavoidable things in life are death nad taxes.
Midgets scare me. So does Disney.
With Disney making so many sequels these days, all i have to say is
remember Beauty and the Beast? Disney is way too predictable for it to be anyone
other than Chewbacca.
Ok. Lets look at it logically. You've got a dating game (a build up to a
sex scene), pop culture icons, a chick in the center, and this is based on the
internet. What do these lead to? Why, porn of course. Now then, its a known
fact that geeks have wierd sexual tastes (I just know, ok?). So it stands
to reason that geeks would like to see snow white get it on with the wierdest
of the wierd.
Montgomery Burns: There are alot of stories about corporate geeks
bonking their secretaries and all (geeks desperately hope that this is
true) but this isn't high enough on the kinkiness factor. Out this goes.
Bart Simpson: Geeks like to see younger girls get it on. Not younger guys. Out
bart.
Grim Reaper: an oddity. Don't think geeks like to see skeletons get it on. Out.
Midgets: Ok, we- I mean geeks- like to see kinky sex, but not with a bunch
of midgets gangbanging a woman. Doesn't turn us-i mean them- on.
Tasmanian Devil: Beastiality. Can't say that geeks don't find this a bit of a turn on (c'mon. admit it. you know that its true). But then there are the other 2 to
contend with...
The Borg: Robot-human sex? Hot diggidy damn! The geeks LOVE this sort
of shit! But this is Star Trek, and Star Trek Must Lose comes into play.
Chewbacca: A sci-fi animal like creature getting it on. What geek won't
INSTANTLY vote for this guy. Chewie in a nutshell...
Well folks its time to announce the winner!
{Snow White stands center stage nervously clutching a rose}
{Cutin rises on the bachelors, only Monty Burns and Mclane are there}
"where are the others?" White asks hesitantly. Before Monty
can answer Mclane bursts out:
"The two hairy things are still backstage sniffing each
others butts. Bart was just dragged off by his parole officer for that
little move he made on you in the hot tub the other night. The drohn like all
eruo-trash has mistaken the midgets for little boys, and is offering them
candy to come back to its cube for somthing called 'integration'."
"And death?" White asks puzzled that the true gentle man is nowhere to be found.
Monty mutters, "He mentioned somthing about HotBranch before he hurried off"
"oh, well in that case..." White begins to move tworads Mr. Burns.
John lights a cigeratte shakes his head "just like a woman, baby, eh. I still got a wife somewhere."
Reminded of Ms. McLane, White turns around and dives on Mclane, obeying her foolish
woman instincts (TM). Mclane looks at her with indiffrence, causing her to cling
even tighter to him. And that is the end to this twisted little romance... or is
it?
Snow White is a princess. As I learned from my unsuccessful attempt to
propose to Grace Kelly, princesses are very concerned about Blue Blood (tm). Snow
will make her decision based on which competitor is aristocratic enough. This
automatically rules out most of them:
-Bart Simpson: Well, he's a Simpson. While his family has a history of alcoholism and rowdiness, which is a sine qua non of any aristocratic family, it also has Homer in it. That Hugh Grant clone didn't want to marry into a family containing Homer, and neither will a snooty princess like Snow White.
-John McClane: While he is obnoxious enough to be an aristocrat, he also has poor taste in clothes. That whole "ripped t-shirt decorated with blood" wardrobe would make it impossible for Snow to take him to Elsa Maxwell's Riviera parties. Besides, he'd probably blow up the Riviera and Elsa wouldn't like that one bit.
-Tasmanian Devil: Already married (to the Tasmanian She-Devil
who turned up at the end of "Devil May Hare"). And his indiscriminate eating
habits would offend the refined sensibilities of Snow, who only eats tasteful
stuff like chopped fish eggs and frog's legs.
-Midgets: Their small stature and weird voices suggest that they might be inbred, and as we all know, inbreeding is a defining characteristic of aristocrats (and hillbillies). But the problem is that there are too many of them, which reduces their value. A spoiled rich brat like Snow isn't going to choose a husband from a crowd, any more than she'd agree to wear a mass-produced dress.
-Borg Drohn: His good looks, lack of human feelings, and expensive jewelry will impress Snow. But when she asks him how he feels about the aristocracy, he'll shock her by replying: "The aristocracy is irrelevant. Royalty is irrelevant. You will be assimilated." Clearly he's some kind of free-thinking anarchist.
-Chewbacca: That slurred speech. Those strange facial features. That lack of basic social skills. That bizarre ancestral history. Anyone who has seen Prince Charles on TV will recognize these as the defining features of Royalty (tm). All hail, Prince Chewbacca. Snow White has found a new consort.
According to www.LoveCalculator.com, "Snow White" has the following
compatability ratings with each contestant:
Midgets: 59%
Tasmanian Devil: 13%
Bart Simpson: 78%
Grim Reaper: 72%
John McClane: 99%
C. Montgomery Burns: 44%
Borg: 76%
I was tempted to go for the Midgets... I mean, after all, we know that Snow
White has a fetish for the Vertically-Challenged and everything. However,
let's remember that she ends up with Prince Charming. He came along when
she was in some serious trouble, dealt with the problem, and saved the day.
Her short fetish notwithstanding, Snow goes for the Hero Type. Most fitting
that bill on this season's roster is Nemesis of the Death Star, German thieves
and other assorted evil-doers, John McClane.
As tawdry as it may turn out, I'm voting for the midgets. Not only will
this help Disney in its quest to avoid originality by making sequels of
everything they've done to date, it should be a match of truly heavenly quality. I mean, can you imagine a more stellar name than "Snow White Dwarf?"
Wow what a bunch of studs. I'm stunned Urkel(TM)'s not in there. Let's break
it down stientifically contestant by contestant. BART'S jailbait so he's out
unless this is being made in Alabama (or Canada).
CHEWBACCA has serious personal hygiene issues(yeah I'm talking fleas and ticks). Plus everyone knows he's Han's bitch. Those long 'spice' smuggling runs get awful lonely.
I'm actually stunned JOHN McCLANE turned up.We all remember what happened the last time he went on a Blind Date(TM?). His own wife wants nothing to do with him and he's two, sorry one, step away from being a full-blown alcoholic. An wino/pyro
what a catch.
REAPER charming and plays a mean game of chess.So does Deep Blue(TM) NEXT.
The whole BORG thing. Unless Snowie wants to be assimilated I guess
he's fine. But think, what if she gets lucky aside from the fact he'll be quite
mechanical she'll be sharing the 'intimate' experience with the entire Borg
collective.
MIDGETS? Are we talking gangbanging here? Did I just walk into a Tod Browning film or worse a John Waters one.
TAZ has a sense of humour? NO he just eats everything and slobbers all over the rug. I know Snow White, I watched Snow white, I enjoyed Snow White and she ain't into beastiality.
Which leaves us with MONTY BURNS. Two things going for him here, first he's
loaded and chicks love money (maybe that's my problem. Second he's old. He's come
close to cacking it repeated times on The Simpsons(TM). Snow White should
pull an Anna-Nicole and marry the senile old coot.
Whilst the sentimental favorites may be the 7 little people, and while my
own heart cries for the burgeoning romance to be with Chewie, my vote is not
for the sake of the Bachelorette but the Bachelor.
C.M. Burns has a clear advantage here, in that none of the others has a steady sidekick. To be sure, one can do better in the sidekick department than a Smithers: an annoying skinny nerd sidekick is more powerful than a toady sidekick, a child sidekick is more powerful than a nerd sidekick, and most powerful of all is a cute robot sidekick. (Robot sidekicks who look like Brent Spiner are, as we have seen, less effective.)
"Mirror, Mirror on the wall; don't they know I like chicks, after all" -Snow Whie
Definitely Grim Reaper. Little Snowie flirted with Death how many times in the original story? To the best of my knowledge, she died three times, or nearly, but was then ripped away from her beloved Reaper due to the good intentions of others. Seriously folks, she may have been seven, but even seven-year-olds usually know enough to not let a person into the house if they are told so; even the duller crayons wouldn't let a person in the house if they had been nearly dead twice. So, that leaves only one explanation; she WANTED to die so that she could finally hook up with her boyfriend WITHOUT being pulled out half-way through the date.
Retro Grudge match design for this match, I notice. It took me an awfully long time to recognize it, because it's so old.
THE FINAL WORD...
WWWF Tournament Of Champions V: Survivor!
WWWF Tournament Of Champions I: Escape from the Death Star
WWWF Tournament Of Champions VI: The Running Men
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ETA: Monday, February 17th, 2003
